Patient name: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Journal entry: 24/04/2023

Currently: Patient has managed to flee from the ward yesterday night. For reasons that were then unknown, patient became violent and stole card from ward staff. Opened the door and ran out. Police contacted to look for patient as he is under the Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act. Later confirmed that patient had found out that former co-patient who was his partner is at the edge of the Thomson bridge with the intention to commit suicide. The patient has phoned the police and run to the bridge where he has stopped his former co-patient from jumping before the police arrived. Co-patient under enormous distress upon arrival to the ward, which has caused the patient to be inconsolable. Has taken Alimemazine without effect. During conversation today patient says he's slept well. Cries during the entire meeting. We agree that he'll try Olanzapine at night to see if he can get better anxiolytic effect.

Psychiatric status: Lacking formal contact. Cries during entire conversation. Answers questions but no spontaneous talking. No suicidal communication.

Planning: Evaluation of Olanzapine tomorrow. Patient informed about the importance of eating and sleeping regularly. Patient is not to be caused any further distress by interventions during the day unless absolutely necessary. In consultation with nurse who knows patient well decision not to keep patient and co-patient apart. 

He wouldn't remember that he sent it.

The text.

But he did.

Probably an unknown part of his soul trying to save him.

Thank God for that. Thank God.

At eleven pm, my phone pinged, and I immediately knew who it was as he was the only private person who had my number. I had deleted the heart after his name as it hurt too much. But I still had his number in my phone.

Moon-man: I love you. Never forget that.

And just with that, just with that tiny piece of information, I knew exactly what was going on.

I had rushed out of my room, not even putting socks on before putting my feet in my shoes which showed exactly how much in a hurry I was as I hated the sensation of wearing shoes without socks. I ran through the corridor until I saw Steven.

"I need to get out of the ward. Now."

"Izuna, what's going on?"

I had no time for that. I was skinny, yes, but Steven stood no chance against my height. I grabbed his collar and pushed him against the wall. He immediately pushed his alarm button for help, but I was fast, as I had noticed when me and Tobirama ran away. It gave me confidence now. I took his card, used it to open the door, and ran out.

It was the most exhausting thing I'd ever done in my entire life. I ran with all the speed that I got within me and some, for fifteen minutes, while calling the police, explaining the situation to the best of my abilities while never losing speed. It was the most physically straining thing I had ever done. My lungs felt as if they were bleeding. My mouth tasted of iron. I managed to prevent myself from fainting due to blood pressure loss by sheer will power alone.

I didn't know what made me so sure. How I could've received that text message and just know. I couldn't read people. I could definitely not read people through text.

But I could read him.

So I wasn't at all surprised when I saw my beautiful moon at the edge of the bridge.

Honey, no... Honey, no, you're not meant to lay beneath water. You're not meant to drown. You're meant to soar through the sky forever, untouchable, slowly drifting away just like the moon does.

I climbed over the fence with ease. I threw myself at him. I wrestled him down.

You're mine. You're mine and I will always love you. To the day I die I will love you, even if you stop loving me.

There was a calm to him, for just a moment in time as he took my hand, like that moment of levitation after you threw yourself out of a steep before you went into free-fall.

But that moment of levitation didn't last for more than a moment.

And when it was over, Tobirama started screaming.

The first time Tobirama was forced into the ward was nothing, nothing compared to this.

I stood at the side of the road, mouth agape as I saw Tobirama fight six policemen, and fight very well at that.

He wasn't human anymore. He wasn't human but an animal, and for the first time in my life, I was scared of him. He kicked, and bit, and spat, and screamed so loudly it froze my soul to ice, then screamed again so my frozen soul shattered into a thousand little pieces.

"Izuna..."

I turned. It was Steven, coming out of a car, snapping me back to reality.

I burst into tears.

Steven came and put his arms around me. It felt strange, being hugged by someone who wasn't Tobirama, but I didn't mind. I cried and cried as Tobirama was forced into a police car to get driven to the ward while I went into Steven's car willingly. The contrast between how calmly I got into the car and how wildly Tobirama was forced into his would have been comical, if the situation would have been different. But how could the situation ever be different? It was what it was and I was living in the middle of it.

I cried the entire car ride back. The police drove in front of us, sirens off, and I dreaded the point in time when we would arrive and I would see just how much Tobirama didn't want to be there, just how much he didn't want to be, just how much he wanted to die.

It was a million times worse than anything I could've ever imagined. He fought so hard that in the end, the consultant came. The nurses and the police could obviously not hold him down to inject him and were in danger.

No...

"Belt him."

"No!!"

"Izuna-", Steven began.

And the sound of my name seemed to snap the moon-man out of it.

He jerked, turned to me.

"Izuna..." he said.

And Steven must've felt something coming because suddenly, he grabbed my arms from behind.

Just as I was about to jump into Tobirama's embrace to save him.

"Tobirama!!"

"IZUNA!!" he roared.

He reached his arm out. I tried to reach mine out, too, and we tried to capture each other but it was as impossible as trying to capture stars from the sky and take them down.

And for the first time in forever, we locked eyes, and I saw the desperation in his, the sadness, the despair. This was torture for him. This life was torture for him.

And one part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, if I truly loved him, I would just let him die out of this life.

"Izuna, help me!!"

"I'm trying!!" I cried. A trail of drool was hanging from my lips, my nose running but I couldn't make myself care.

I was pulled away from my moon-man, and he was pulled into the room with the bed with the belts that had suffocated my soul so many times. And he was forced onto the bed, and I managed to see how they fastened the first belt before the door closed.

"TOBIRAMA!!" I screamed.

"It's okay." Steven. I'd managed to forget he was holding me. It felt as if I was stuck in syrupy nightmare, anyway. "It's okay, Izuna. He's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

But he couldn't reach me.

I sunk down to my knees and cried, while the love of my life was tortured just a few steps before me.

But behind closed doors.

His screams went on for hours.

Even as they had given him anxiolytics, he kept screaming.

Several times, I heard him scream for them to kill him. Those times hurt the most, made me hide my face in my hands and wail.

Steven came and sat with me. He didn't touch me, just sat next to me. Not to prevent me from banging my head; I didn't feel like that anyway. But just to keep me company.

"I hate hearing he's in so much pain", I whispered.

"Me too", Steven said, and I could actually hear in his voice that he meant it. He had grown to like his patient. "Me too."

After five hours or so, his screams subsided, and me and Steven sat in silence.

"You love him, don't you?" Steven asked.

I nodded.

We didn't say anything more for a while until finally, Steven stood up.

"I better check up on things."

And he left me on my own.

Tobirama was written into the ward under the Compulsory Health Care Act again, but I didn't see him. He kept to his room, I figured, seeing they brought all his meals there. I couldn't help but notice they were almost always brought out without having been touched.

I existed in an elevated state of anxiety. Knowing the person you loved the most was in your close proximity while being unable to see them crushed your innards. I asked Steven whether it was because they tried to keep us apart, but Steven shook his head.

"No. I convinced them otherwise. You two were doing fine when you were together."

I wanted to thank Steven, but instead just looked down. This meant that Tobirama didn't want contact with me. This meant Tobirama was avoiding me. It felt as if someone had grabbed my heart and squeezed it.

Tobirama had been in for two weeks before I finally heard from him.

It was through text.

Moon-man: Hi.

Me: Hi.

Moon-man: I'm sorry.

Me: For what?

Moon-man: For trying to jump. For texting you. I have no memory of doing that, but I see in my phone I have. If I hadn't, I had been dead.

Me: Are you happy you're not?

Moon-man: I don't know, Izuna. I just don't know anymore.

My heart clenched further. This meant...

Moon-man: I know what you're thinking. But it's not true. It doesn't mean you're not enough, Izuna.

It touched my heart that he seemed to know me so well.

Me: Then what does it mean?

Moon-man: It means I have depression I can't deal with.

Me: True...

Moon-man: I miss you.

Me: Then why did you leave?

Moon-man: I was frightened.

Me: Maybe you should be.

Moon-man: Maybe. But I'm not anymore.

Me: Good.

Moon-man: Good.

Moon-man: Good night, Izuna.

Me: Good night.

Moon-man: <3

Me: <3

We kept texting each other.

Every evening, we texted each other.

Thank he topic of conversation was always light, easy to the heart, soothing for the soul. I would tell him what I had done that day (pool, cube, a bit of work). He would tell me what he'd done when he was out. He still didn't leave his room, but I didn't mention it.

Two more weeks passed. I missed him. I missed him a lot. Finally, I told him.

Me: I miss you.

Moon-man <3: I miss you too. So much it hurts.

Me: Come out and meet me?

Moon-man <3: I can't yet. I just can't. I'm sorry.

I searched within me for a fear of not being enough, but there was none. It was as if my soul was beginning to realise that the moon-man's well-being didn't depend on me, but on something beyond me that I first of all couldn't change, but second of all, and maybe most importantly, didn't have the obligation to change. This wasn't a show, this was real life and needed to be treated as such.

Me: It's okay. I mean it <3

Moon-man <3: God, I love you. I love you SO much.

I cried.

After a week, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I lay awake, tossing and turning. We'd said goodnight hours ago, but I couldn't let myself go for the safety sleep; my body required the safety of him. Finally, I got up, tip-toed out to the corridor and to the door of his room. I didn't hesitate. I didn't knock. I just opened the door and walked in.

He was asleep, I saw, laying on his stomach with his hands under his pillow and his elbows out, breathing slowly, rhythmically. I tried to feel bad for waking him up, but I couldn't. God, I had missed him. I had missed him so much it was as if a piece of my soul was missing. He'd been so close to death. So close. Twice. I suddenly realised I had been equally close to death several times before I even met him. It stung, somehow. Realising exactly what I had put myself through now I could feel it through someone else, someone I loved.

I walked to him, pulled his duvet off his body. He was thinner now, not having worked out for a long time, but still strong, still safe. He stirred, furrowed his brows before his eyes opened and he found mine.

"Izuna?"

"I don't give a fuck about your opinion right now", I said and crept into his bed beside him. "So shut up."

He didn't shut up.

Instead, he put his arms around me, hugged me close, and cried.

He hid his face on my shoulder and cried and cried and cried. I held him, caressed his head, soothed him.

"It's okay", I said. "It's okay."

He couldn't speak, just kept crying, and I let him until he fatigued himself out of it. I kissed the top of his head over and over. When he didn't cry anymore, he turned his head to look at me, and I captured his eyes for the first time since he'd become belted.

They were beautiful, an unusual grey, and I could see all of the hundreds of storms that had raged within him throughout his life through them just by looking through them. We anchored ourselves to the other like that, through our eyes, for a long time.

Then, he closed his eyes, put his hand on my cheek, and kissed me. A soft kiss, hesitant, as if scared of loss, yet deep, searching for even deeper. I put both hands on his face to pull him closer while he snaked his hand into my hair, the other around the back of my neck. I suddenly became incredibly aware of the fact that he slept bare-chested, pressed myself to him, opened my mouth to his. I gasped as he let the tip of his tongue touch mine, and he moaned softly.

We went on like that, never resurfacing for air, not needing to as we found all the air we needed in the other, at least for now. We lost track of time, and time lost track of us as we kissed ourselves to sleep, leaving awakedness so subtly we could not be able to tell where this dream ended, and the dream of night began.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, he was already awake.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Six am."

I groaned, and Tobirama smiled, amused. It felt good to see him smile. It was hard imagining that a few weeks ago, I'd been scared of him as he fought the police. I realised how easily the man could crush me. It thrilled me, for some reason.

He was laying on his side, propped up on his elbow in a way that made me understand he'd been looking at me as I slept for a while. He wasn't touching me with any part of his body, which made me miss him a lot.

"What?" he asked.

I looked at him.

"What what?" I asked.

"What are you thinking of?"

"It's that obvious?"

Tobirama smiled. God, it was good to see him smile.

"I want to believe I'm quite good at reading that cute little autistic face of yours. But..." He got a serious expression on his face. "Your face seems much more alive now, Izuna. You seem... Well."

I looked away, blushing at the compliment.

"Thank you."

He grabbed my chin softly. That soft touch made electric shockwaves pulse throughout my body by the sheer amount of purpose in it.

"You don't get away from the question", he said. "What's on your mind?"

I looked to the side. He did not demand I looked him in the eye.

"Tobirama, what happened?"

He sighed, released me.

"It was a concoction of a lot of things", he said. "But I stopped my meds. I believe that was the catalyst."

I furrowed my brows.

"Why would you do that?"

Tobirama sat up in frustration.

"I don't know! I was feeling better, okay?!"

"Don't raise your voice at me", I said softly. "Honestly, it scares me."

He took my hand, kissed it.

"Sorry", he said. "I wasn't screaming at you, but at myself and my stupidity. I'll do my best so it won't happen again, but if it does, tell me."

"Thank you", I said. "But you know you can't stop taking the meds just because you're better, right?"

"Why not?" he asked. "Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Make you feel better?"

I pressed my lips together, trying to think of a way to explain it that made sense.

"I've had anorexia twice in my life", I began.

"Sorry-" he bagun, but I wasn't having it.

"Shut up!" He jerked. "I wasn't fishing for sympathy! I'm explaining something important to your thick ass!"

"I don't know if I like this less autistic Izuna that knows how to crack a joke", he said with a crooked smile.

I ignored him, enjoying the sense of power it gave me.

"The treatment for anorexia is eating. You eat six times a day. You're hardly allowed to move. After a few weeks, you gain more energy, start to feel better." I looked at him, and when he saw the expression on my face, his own became stern; he knew this was important. "What if I just stopped eating because I felt better?" I saw the cogwheels start to click in Tobirama's mind. "I have to keep eating like that. Six times a day. Without moving. For a long time! Then, after a few months, maybe even years, I can start eating more freely. It's the same with antidepressants. You need to fix the neurotransmitter levels in your brain. In the beginning, you need the meds to maintain it. But in order for you he levels to maintain themselves without meds, you must have taken the meds for at least a year. Sometimes even longer. For you, definitely longer as your depression is so severe. Some people need the meds for the entirety of their lives." I felt tears of frustration burn my eyes. "People don't want to take antidepressants because they're frightened their brain is being altered with. But it's the depression that truly alters with their brain! The meds just help it back to normal."

I saw Tobirama was deep in concentration, his brows furrowed.

"I had no idea..." he murmured.

"Please..." I said, and my voice cracked. "Please, take your meds. For at least a year. Until your doctors tell you to stop. Anything else is irresponsible. And I need you to be responsible. Please..."

Tobirama immediately pulled me into his embrace, and I curled up there, happy to feel small.

"Of course", he said. "Of course."

"Thank you", I said.

We hugged for a while, and I felt the tiredness of too few hours of sleep start to creep up on me like tidal water creeping up from my toes to my torso as I lay on a beach.

"Can you tell me something nice?" I asked.

"What do you want to hear?" he asked softly.

I thought for a bit. Or pretended to. I already knew what I wanted to hear.

"Tell me how you think our first time will be."

Tobirama immediately understood. If he was surprised about the question, he didn't let it show.

"Soft", he said. "It's going to be soft. I will make you feel safe. I will make you feel whole. I will ask you, again and again, if you're all right, trust your answers. I want to make you feel so much pleasure you don't know what to make of yourself. I want you to resurface out of that pleasure to find me as a safe bay. I will be calm yet firm, leaving no doubt what I will do, and what I expect from you. But always that softness. Always, always that softness."

I sighed happily, closed my eyes against his chest. I felt tears decorate my lashes like pearls.

"Now, your turn to tell me something good", he murmured.

"You look like the moon", I said.

I fell back asleep.