16th February
10.15 AM

Soft drizzles cover the large green lawn of the house as the breezes welcome me for the day. I smiled lazily as I read Reyansh message with a half-open eye. Oh, this man is just like these breezes in my life, making me feel alive, giving me the courage to wake up every day.

Sometimes I do wonder how life would have looked like without him. Deadly desert with no end, that will what life would look like without him.

A few years ago, I thought Love used to look like broken promises and betrayals. If not because of him, I would never get this beautiful idea of love. Now I know, Love looks like roses, it has thrones, pains of its own but still it is beautiful, filling the serenity in my heart.

I smile thinking about all ways he had healed me, I had healed him. I think that's the beauty of our Love. We were just broken and we healed together.

"Its already past ten in the morning. Are you planning to sleep all day?" Maa's voice brings me back to reality. In this place waking up after nine in the morning is nearly a sin. And I had always been a rebel.

Back in the days when I used to come during my semester breaks, I used to lay down all day, and my father used to scream his heart out, I stopped caring. I laughed at the scene now, how every time I came back, I went back before my break ends always with tears.

This place was just a house perhaps never my home. I sighed as I sit up straight in my bed, bringing my knees close to my chest as I rest my chin upon them. I pulled my hairs out of the braid I had last night.

The winds play with my waves, reminding me how Baba used to hate it whenever I used to keep my hairs open. I gulped, even in his absence now sometimes I feel chills down my spine terrified that he will come out of nowhere and hold my hairs tight.

"Aish," Maa called me and passed me a worrying look. Tears line up near the edges, I blink them away as I gulp my pain again. He is gone, I don't need to afraid anymore. I neither I am that eighteen-year-old who will

"Huh?"

"What are you thinking about?" Maa sits next to me taking my hand in hers.

My hands are no softer like they used to be, courtesy of countless alcohol wash and laboratory hours. She softly holds them and furrowed, "You are here, you should wear some choriya." And here we go again.

"Maa I don't want to and..."

"Beta I get it you don't, but yaha log baatein banate hain toh yaha pehen lia karo." Anger consumes me and I can feel my body burning in rage.

"I don't care, the people you are worrying about are no one to judge me, haven't they done that enough? What's more, is left Maa?" I screamed in frustration as I stand up from the bed.

She looked at me with this shocking expression. It's not a regular thing to see me losing calm. She had never seen me like this, for her I had always concealed my emotions behind this smiling face. It was until Reyansh came into the picture. I breathed calming my nerves, this is one of the reasons I never wanted to come back here.

"Sorry Maa." She smiles but disappointment fills her expressions. And honestly, I care less about it now.

"I think I should get ready." I took a new pair of jeans and started looking for a top to go with that.

"You have some plans already?" Maa asked.

"Yeah." I hummed taking out my white bodysuit and black jacket. "I am going to Tanveer's place."

"And you are wearing that?" She eyed my outfit, I passed her a questioning look.

"Aish please at least wear a salwar, your Bua is coming today and..." As much as I want to debate on that, I don't have it in me anymore, another reason I never wanted to come back to her, it makes me lose my mind.

I took out my white sleeveless long dress paired up with white churidar and multicoloured heavy embodied dupatta. The memory of Tanveer's Amma giving me this is still fresh in my mind. That lady loved me nevertheless.

I smiled at the thought, it been months since I haven't met her and today I am looking forward to that. Even if I am angry with her thoughts I know its not her fault, sometimes we can't change some people's mentality, and for her, I have long lost hope.

"Why are you smiling?" Maa asked, I shook my head.

"Nothing. Bus soch rahi thi, kuch log kabhi nahi badalte aur logo ko badalne ka shauk humne bohot pehle chor diya hai."

She looks at me with an open mouth, she got the hidden message.

3.30 PM

I step into the threshold of their bungalow the large brown wooden doors welcomes me as always with open arms. The sun is right above my head yet soft winds are dancing near me, I have the dupatta wrapped around my shoulders.

I smile as I cross the main hall, an echo of my laughter with Tanveer running behind me, chasing me and Ishrat is still fresh to my ears. Those smiles those games those nonsense talks everything plays in front of my eyes as I cross the family corridors again. I sighed, those were good days. The one year I had spent with them was the best highlights of those gloomy years.

"Bhai please drop me." Ishrat's voices bloom through the hall as I stand by the door. I smiled, at least this girl is living again.

"Ishu, Aish is coming today and I don't want to leave her with Amma alone."

"Di is coming and you didn't even bother to tell me that." She screamed.

"Well, that's very wrong of you Tanveer. You should have told her, she would have made my favourite haleem." I step into the room and she engulfed me in a tight hug.

This is what homecoming feels like. I can feel my eyes burning with unshed tears and I sure she had already spilt some. I had mastered the art of controlling emotion, life had taught me that, she hadn't and I hope she doesn't have to.

"I missed you, Di."

"I missed you too, Ishu." I smiled.

This little girl had seen enough but the good thing is I was there for her always. The day she left her in-laws, the day she filed the divorce, the day she got it, and the day she joined her work again, I was always there. A reason why this family loves me, I have always been a daughter to them.

Tanveer smiles at me as he steps forward, his arms tighten around me as he engulfs me in a hug. I hold his shoulders tight sighing in contentment.

"Why don't you just drop her? Till then I will meet Amma?" He hesitates for a second but then agrees.

I pushed myself through the doors of a known room.

"Amma?" I call her name.

The lady in her late forties looks up at me, a smile comes to her lips as tears beam her eyes. Tears of the longing of love.

"Beta baccha." She hugs me tight as she pours her heart out.

"I am here now." She nods as she started talking about everything that's going around her.

Tanveer came into my life as a blessing on those days when I was losing my sanity in the chaos. My family was a mess and my life was burning in the scorching sun of their so-called dignity and social status.

I was burning in the fire and there was no sign of rain to stop that. Then one day out of nowhere this guy, a stranger who started this virtual mehfil. Someone who understands my love for poetry, who writes some of his own.

Between those nazms and shayaris, somewhere our friendships bloom up. That brought a peaceful blast which I needed back then. A blast full of hope and I survived.

I smiled, as Amma continues to speak, "Mujhe toh tumhare jaise bahu chahiye thi."

"Joh kabhi mumkim hi nahi uski umeed hi kyu karna Amma. Main aur Tanveer dost hi thik h." I can see the pain evident in her eyes as I speak those brutal honest words.

I and Tanveer can never have a relationship more than friendship. Sometimes I can feel his graze on me, the longing his eyes hold for me to accept the naked truth, we could have a much easy life if we ended up together. But then again we were honour bound.

The ropes of rules of the society had bound around our necks, we were already standing on the stool of dignity one wrong move and we slipped out, suffocating with their nefarious words, dying a dead we never deserved.

So we held ourselves, put out heart in a cage and kept our friendship above all. Grasped all those rousseauistic emotions aside as we didn't afford to lose that friendship which came like a soft shower after those cunning summer noons.

"Amma she came here for something else, what the hell are you talking about?" He speaks coming from behind, what I didn't miss is the pain behind his anger.

I never had any strong feelings for him, it was just his company I used to love. He was more like a distraction I needed that time, on the other, he felt something, something I never had the gut to name neither did he.

Today when I look at him, sometimes I can see the guilt of losing a chance, but Tanveer never dared to fight against his family. To say the truth people like Tanveer are real cowards, they know what they want, they know what's right what's wrong but they will choose silence above all. In between black and white, Tanveer will always choose grey.

"It's okay Tanveer. We were talking in general." I smiled he shook his head holding my hand.

"I think it's enough for today, let's go." He pulled me up and started dragging me outside.

I didn't stop him either, before talking with Amma even I needs to talk to him about the girl. No matter what I care for him and can put my life on hold. This guy held a part of life, a friend, a confidant.

"I am sorry about her." He breaks the silence of the car.

"You shouldn't be."

"Aish"

"Tanveer, what we have is more than any relationship can ever have. The trust the loyalty and above all the understanding. Sometimes something should only be left as wishes."

"And you are one such of mine." He spoke absentmindedly, I smiled at his honesty.

"I ...."

"Where are you taking me by the way?" I changed the topic.

That topic is from a book I never opened in the past and now it is out of the syllabus in the present. He sighed closing his eyes and opening them the next second.

"Aree Mohtarma, let's go to this spring fair."

"As in the festival of colours? No way I am wearing white."

"So what?"

"Janab are you being serious?"

"Ab apse bhala kya mazak ka rishta hai humara?" And we laughed.

5.30 PM

The surrounding is busting with music and dhols. The fragrance of spring is in the air. As the colours of varies hues dances among the breezes with flowers drizzling every here and there. This fair is one of the best things that happens in Kolkata, Basant Utsav.

A sudden pull and I stand in the middle of a circle people dancing on the beats of dhol, as I look at my one hand hanging on-air as Tanveer hold it while doing his bhangra steps.

My mind wanders back to the shy guy whom I used to call Buzurg, the guy who never used to dance, never used to do any of this perhaps in that one year he learnt all this, as he would say, "You taught me to live Aish"

I smile as he puts pink colour on my face and I smashed his with yellow. The dhol beats heightens and I started dancing. For once it left like ages.

I let my hair flow in different direction and twirls with my hands in the air, smiles linger on my lips as I laugh. For once in a decade I felt alive, I felt happy without any good reason.

As I twirl again my heels halts, breath choked eyes burns as the sky roars. A blast of pain hits me hard with the mist of misery in them. The sky roars again as the war has arrived and I stand in the middle of a battlefield without my sword, in front of my captive.

I gulped as I blinked looking into those familiar charcoal black eyes. I stumbled back as he lowers his eyes. A decade had passed but the pain had sojourned.

For all, I know pain stays buried behind the clouds of reality.

Qki apne dil ka ek hissa uske ps chor ayi thi.