Chapter 55: Fracture 

Pidgey cooed in the trees, waking me up. My eyes opened to sunlight filtering through the green canopy above my sleeping bag. I stretched briefly before remembering how sore I was from running. 

I turned my head. Dawn was in her sleeping bag a few feet away from me. I sighed. It seemed like no matter what there was always something occupying the space in between us. A few nights ago it was Joey. Last night it had been Haunter.  

I thought again of my plan to give Dawn my Rising Badge. It was still something I wanted to do to pay her back for all her gifts, her kindness she'd given me even when I'd shoved her aside or treated her unfairly. She, herself, was the greatest gift I'd received. More than a measly badge was needed as thanks. 

Still, the badge was a start. I stared at Dawn's sleeping form. She was hugging Piplup as she slept, her mouth slightly open. She was at peace. When the sunlight hit her hair, the sheen reminded me of what sunlight looked like when it hit waves on the ocean. 

It was odd, waking up to someone in the morning and realizing it was something that I looked forward to. I used to be repelled by human contact of any kind. Now, Dawn's presence was a relief, a promise that there was something, someone, who made the rest of the day worthwhile. Before she had stumbled into my life, Pokemon training had made each day purposeful. Getting stronger was the goal that made me get up without complaint in the morning. Now, it seemed like all my thoughts revolved around this Coordinator who slept on, oblivious to how much I thought of her when she was dreaming. 

Still, it didn't feel right to feel this way about her. It felt like if I pursued her, I would be giving up on being the strongest Trainer I could be. 

I was not a quitter. 

I got out of my sleeping bag as if it was the source of the thoughts that plagued me and began rifling through our food supplies. In the next two days we'd be in Mauville City and we'd restock on food. Not only that, but I'd told myself I would take Dawn to the beach. 

Now I wasn't sure if it would be the right thing to do. 

I sighed and arranged Pokemon food for our dozen Pokemon. For some odd reason, I wanted to talk about my decision with someone. Not Dawn, no, but someone who wasn't a part of the dilemma, someone that wasn't an idiot when it came to giving advice, and someone who genuinely cared about me. No one fell under that category. The only person who came close was my brother who I still disliked talking to. Every time I thought of him, he reminded me of an older version of Ash Ketchum who would lecture me on matters of the heart. I saw things much differently and talking to Reggie would be more of a nuisance than productive in any way. Which meant that left no one for me to talk to. 

I looked at Dawn again, my heart clenching painfully. Was she really the only true person on this earth I felt connected to? 

Yes, I knew the answer.  

But why, I asked myself, did that make me feel guilt and unease instead of happiness? 

After I finished putting the Pokemon food out, Dawn stirred. She sat up, letting Piplup roll onto his belly in her sleeping bag. Her eyes blinked slowly as she stretched. They fell sleepily on me, blue yet tired. And beautiful. Very beautiful.  

"Good morning." She yawned. 

"Morning," I murmured back, staring at her as if she might attack me. My growing nervousness was incredibly uncomfortable, which made no sense. Dawn couldn't attack me anyway. She was no larger of a threat than a Caterpie.  

"How did you sleep?" Dawn asked. 

"Fine." 

"Have any visitors last night?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You know," Dawn smiled, "have anything stolen from you?" 

I got her gist. "My patience was stolen a second ago, thank you for asking." 

She laughed and some of my anxiousness melted away. 

"I guess he's not the first one to want to steal your boxers," Dawn teased. 

I glanced at her. Her body was leaning towards me, but we were feet apart. Blue eyes sparkled mischievously at me, a light smile that hinted at desiring a battle of retorts stretched on her face. 

I accepted the challenge. "Are you suggesting other people want to steal my clothes?" 

"I wasn't suggesting anything." 

"Is that so?" 

"It is." 

"You could have fooled me. I've found you to be an extremely suggestive person," I mused. 

Dawn's smug smile disappeared and her eyebrows furrowed down in confusion and embarrassment. "I don't mean to be suggestive." 

I sensed her humor was gone and frowned. "Mind if I ask a question?" 

She hesitated, but nodded. 

"Why do you go around wearing a very short dress if you don't mean to be suggestive?"  

Dawn blushed. "I truthfully don't know." 

I sat back thoughtfully. "Don't take this the wrong way, but the first time I saw you I thought you were a slut." 

"Exactly how am I supposed to not take that the right way?" Dawn asked icily. 

I stared at her. "Because I found out I was absolutely wrong about you. You're the exact opposite and far too moral for my first judgment to be even slightly true." 

"I don't think there's a thing as too moral." 

"My point exactly."

Dawn shifted uncomfortably and looked away from me. 

"Are you mad at me for saying that?" I asked softly. 

"No." Dawn sighed. "It's weird. I would have gotten so mad if anyone else told me that, but when you tell me I don't react the same way at all." 

"Why do you think that is?" I asked, curious. 

Dawn tiredly put her hands on her temples, rubbing them for a while before answering, "I think it's because I know that you're truthful with everything and, because you're truthful, it's easier to know that your intentions for saying things aren't to hurt me." 

It was a different way of putting it than I usually heard. Most people, when I spoke how I felt, my opinions, what I saw was the truth, would be offended. Dawn didn't seem to mind my blunt statements even if they did reveal parts of herself that she'd rather not think about. 

She thought I was truthful with everything. I didn't feel truthful right now as I sat here, not telling her what was going through my head, unable to make a decision on what to do, not sure if I wanted to make a decision. I feared the future for the first time in my life, something I hadn't admitted to myself until this very moment. I was afraid that I would make the wrong choice. 

Pathetic of me. I didn't do the same thing during a Pokemon battle. Every decision I made was precise, instinctual. Even when I lost, it was because the other opponent was more cunning, or faster, or stronger in some way. If I lost a battle, there would always be another one to help me improve. With life, I didn't have that excuse. If I messed this one decision up, that was it. There was no next battle, no redo.  

...Because you're truthful, it's easier to know that your intentions for saying things aren't to hurt me. 

I repeated those words in my head. Today I would be truthful with her. I wondered if I was making the right decision. 

We ate breakfast in silence, my thoughts weighing on my mind. Dawn was equally as quiet. Our Pokemon had eaten before us. Bagon and Piplup were the only Pokemon outside their Poke Balls and both were playing among the trees. I assumed they were playing tag, but I didn't care enough to check. 

My hands were sweating. I was used to sweating. I spent most of my time outside, training, conditioning myself. I was not used to having moist palms because of nervousness, or having knots twisted painfully in my stomach as I tried to eat, or being unable to breathe properly because what I was about to do seemed much more difficult than anything I'd ever done before in my life.  

We finished our bowls of oatmeal and I looked at Dawn who sat staring off in the distance, distracted, frowning at something. I didn't know what. I was too lost in my own thoughts to ask. 

"Dawn," I stated. She turned her head to look at me and I continued, losing my nerve as we sat still, changing what I was going to say, "Let's go for a walk." 

"Ok." 

Relieved, I stood up. Despite my retorting muscles, it felt good to have my body upright and doing something useful. My nerves partially ebbed away. Walking was action, a delusion that I was in control. Or maybe I was in control. I didn't feel like I was. Not now. 

"You can stay here and play with Bagon, Piplup." Dawn knelt down and patted Piplup on the head. "We'll be right back, right Paul?" 

I nodded, feeling robotic. 

I made sure to grab my backpack before we left camp, walking quietly. Dawn said nothing, didn't give me a questioning look. 

She really had changed a lot from the blabbering Coordinator who didn't know when to shut up. Had I changed as critically, as crucially as her? 

I didn't think I wanted to know the answer.  

"I want to give you something," I said abruptly, my feet stopping. 

Dawn eyed me gently while I unzipped my backpack and retrieved the booklet that held my eight Johto badges, one of my few sentimental possessions. I opened the booklet, carefully removing the Rising Badge from the eighth slot. 

"This," I held it up for her to examine, "is the Rising Badge from the Johto League, given to me by the Gym Leader Clair of Blackthorn City." 

I then explained the battle that Grotle had evolved into Torterra to keep us from losing, and that it was my absolute favorite badge before adding, "And I want you to have it." 

I handed it to Dawn and she examined it in her palm, her mouth open in surprise.  

"Why are you giving this to me?" she asked, her voice in awe and a hint of suspicion.  

I had to force myself not to flinch, a handful of answers coming to me. Because you've given me gifts. Because I want to give you something with meaning. Because you mean more to me than anything else ever could. Because I'm not sure if I have anything else to give you. 

"I wanted to give you something and this felt right." 

Dawn looked up at me, puzzled. I grew tired suddenly. Tired of not telling her my intentions. 

Dawn stared at the badge in her hand before looking back up at me. "This is really nice of you, Paul, but you know what I really want right now is for you to make a decision. This isn't like you." 

"What isn't like me?" 

"This whole charade of not telling me right away how you're feeling. You used to be so point blank with me about absolutely everything and now you don't tell me what's going on," Dawn said, her eyes pained. "Please just drop it. I can't do it anymore." 

My stomach dropped. I realized I didn't want this moment to happen. That's why I'd been stalling, dreading it. I knew what I'd decide regardless of feelings. Why? I wasn't sure. Right now, my other option stared at me desperately and I wanted to change my choice.  

"I can't be with you, Dawn," I said firmly. It didn't sound like my voice. Just an echo that I didn't command myself to say. 

Silence. 

She only said one word. "Why?" 

"It would be wrong." 

"What would be wrong with it?" 

I almost flinched at her tone. She sounded so much like me now. Blunt. Piercing.  

"Neither one of us would get to become what we truly want to be in life." 

"As in a successful Coordinator and Trainer?"  

"Yes." I exhaled, unsure if she understood or not. 

"What does that have to do with us being together?" I heard her anger building. 

"Absolutely everything. People can't have everything in life," I retorted. 

"So are you saying you'd rather have power than love?" Dawn steamed. 

Without thinking, I said, "I never said I loved you." 

Dawn let out a humorless laugh. "Paul, you don't say a lot of things, but that doesn't mean much to me. I hear you more when you don't talk." 

My anger flared. "Are you not accepting that I don't want to be with you?" 

"But you do want to be with me," Dawn said angrily back.  

"I never said I did." I glared at her. 

"So you're saying that all those moments between us meant absolutely nothing? That I'm an idiot to be naive and think there was something more between us than friendship? You kissed me, Paul. Don't act like I'm a child that can't tell the difference between my own feelings and someone else's," Dawn snapped. 

Her frustration made me recoil, but my own anger didn't falter. 

She continued, "Why don't you pursue things, Paul? Why? Why does everything have to be so freaking complicated with you? Why can't you just love and let your life be filled with happiness?"  

"What's the point in pursuing a dead end, Dawn? What's the point of growing closer if we'd just get torn apart eventually? That's not happiness." 

"You don't know that." Dawn's eyes became watery, her rage diminishing. "You don't know we'd get torn apart." 

"Everything gets torn apart." I locked my jaw. Arceus, I'd been so stupid. Why had I let myself walk down this path for so long? All of a sudden, I realized why I'd never let anyone get remotely close to me. I was such an idiot. "Love isn't something anyone can put faith in, Dawn. Love is something people try over and over again to attain and everyone always fails in the end. Look at me. My parents divorced and didn't love me. Do you know why I don't have any friends? It's because when I was younger, I tried to make friends by being myself and all that crap adults teach kids. Bull shit. It didn't work and I've been alone ever since." 

"You have me." Dawn's tears ran freely now, dirtying her clean face. 

I looked away. "You shouldn't have gotten close to me. There's no reason to try to get close to anyone." 

"There is, Paul. Love's the reason."

Everything in me felt numb with cold. "All love has ever gotten me is heartbreak. I suggest you look elsewhere for happiness." 

"I can't." Dawn shook her head. "You're all I want." 

I took in her obvious weakness. She was falling apart at the seams right now, tears running down her pale cheeks, her limbs trembling. And here I stood, hating it. Hating that I'd caused her to be like this. Hating that I'd fallen for the same trap, that I was weak to her. "You shouldn't want me." 

"But I do. I love you, Paul." 

My eyes widened against my will. She loved me? Dawn truly loved me? I felt the numbness melt as I stared at her, vulnerable, pouring out her feelings to me, her tears which I'd caused. Her hurt. 

I'd caused her to feel pain. That resonated with me more than I could put into words. I'd hurt her and that was unacceptable. This was why I didn't allow myself love. Putting faith in a person caused more pain than a person should go through. 

I took a breath and said, "That's why you should leave." 

"What?" Dawn said blankly. 

"Leave." My hands formed fists. "Get away from me so you don't get hurt more than you already are." 

"But," I saw how difficult it was for her to form words, "I thought you loved me too." 

My eyes flared. "Have you not been listening to me? All love gets a person is heartbreak. I can't stand looking at you right now. You weren't supposed to get hurt."  

"Please just tell me you love me, Paul. I'm not stupid. I know you do," Dawn said, her voice thick with tears, whispering it, "I know you love me." 

"It doesn't matter how I feel about you," I stated firmly. "What matters is that you're hurt and that's all you're ever going to get from a guy like me. Go travel around with Ash if you don't want to get hurt." 

"No." 

"I wasn't giving you an option."  

Dawn wiped at her tears and I stared at her, feeling weak suddenly. I wasn't sure what I'd do without Dawn. I depended on her now. Why had I let myself get so addicted to her? Why had I let myself fall in love? 

Dawn sniffed once more and her eyes focused intently on mine as she said strongly, "Love is worth taking chances on. You act like I'm immature and naïve about a lot of things, Paul, but I do know love. I know it hurts sometimes, but I'm willing to take a chance on you." 

"All you will get is hurt. Nothing more," I said through clenched teeth. 

"I'm hurt now because you're not accepting that you love me." Dawn stared at me sadly. "Don't you understand that people change one another? When one life meets another, something will be born." 

I shook my head at her quoting me from so long ago, before this journey had taken place, before I'd even given the thought to remember her name. "Not everything that is born is God sent, Dawn." 

"I don't think that's true," she whispered, walking closer to me. 

I stared down at her, wanting to reach out and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. To be selfish, to never let her leave me despite knowing deep down that there would be problems between us in the future, problems that could break us into more pieces than we were broken into now. 

Dawn leaned her face towards mine. I let my hand come up and brush her hair out of her eyes, let my fingers trace her cheek which was wet from her tears. Her lips opened and I forced myself not to close the distance between us. 

"Something was born between us, Dawn," I whispered to her. "But I can't let it grow." 

She pulled away, staring through me. 

"It's better this way," I told us both. I didn't really believe it myself. 

After a long silence, Dawn said in a dazed voice, "I guess I'm leaving." 

"I can help you pack if you want," I said automatically, not even sure why I'd said it. 

"No. I can do it." Dawn sounded far away. She refused to look at me and began walking back towards camp. She stopped. "What's today's date?" 

Stunned, I thought about it. "The sixteenth." 

Dawn remained facing away from me. "Oh, good." 

I watched as she removed her splint, flexing her hand and wrist in different directions, her voice high pitched, "I'm all healed." 

My stomach churned painfully as she walked away, leaving me alone.

Hey Guys.

I know that ending was a painful one. I'm hoping to update next Friday (May 30) so you don't have to wait too long to see what happens next. Don't worry, First Light still has at least five chapters left, plus Dawn POV parts I'll add, PLUS added on bonus stories that happen on after First Light ends. I'm not telling you how it's ending or anything, though I'm sure a lot of you will be dying for the next chapter.

I'd love the hear what you're thinking! I won't be spoiling anything that's going to happen next when I reply though. It'd be great if you voted and/or followed too if you haven't already.

Thanks to all of you who have read First Light up to this point and showed so much support for the story and for Paul and Dawn. It really means a lot and without you, Paul and Dawn never would have gotten this far.

Pokemon Question of the Day: What's the saddest moment in Pokemon?

Thanks again! Have an awesome weekend.

-Flips