p r e s e n t

Fresh morning air filled Zon's lungs, as he sauntered towards the school. Monday mornings were always the hardest to find the will to exist and he often had trouble waking up. That was one of the things that had never changed and he couldn't blame his students for being late on those days either. If anything, it would be pure hypocrisy and as long as they were at least moderately engaged in his classes, he didn't mind.

But what he did mind was the judgmental shine of the sun rays and the birds mockingly chirping at the dark circles under his eyes. He knew perfectly well how little he had slept this weekend, no need for the sun to remind him he didn't wake up in his own bed too.

He closed his eyes and let the gentle breeze brush his face. The soft hum of the song took him far away from the city bustle and made the unpleasant responsibilities fade away. Even if just for a moment.

Cause I'm lost without your soul, lost among the colors of the night

In a heartbeat, he was on a tranquil beach listening to the waves whispering their secrets. No students gushing over some stupid idols, no cars speeding through the streets. Only the seashore and the sweet melody of the song, soothing his soul. If only it could last a tiny bit longer...

But it wasn't meant to be.

The first thing he noticed was the smell of cheap coffee and musky cologne, so foreign to his imaginary landscapes, that he blinked his eyes open. Saifah's face popped in front of him so suddenly, he almost lost his balance.

"You cut your hair."

I kiss you in my sleep, then I open my eyes

"Huh?" Zon took one earphone out and looked at him questioningly. "What did you say?"

"Nothing." Saifah beamed in a smile that could've outshine the sun. "Did you have a good weekend?"

Zon shrugged and shoved the cables into his pocket. "Could've been better. Yours?"

They passed the main gate and moved to the side to avoid rushing students. A swarm of white shirts and blue shorts stormed through the yard, throwing greetings in passing.

"Not bad." Saifah took a sip from his paper cup. His eyes were following Zon, when he struggled with the strap of his backpack and a small smirk tickled the corners of his mouth. He reached out to help him, his fingers quickly working around the buckle. "I've heard you met with Tor," he said, his breath sweeping over Zon's forehead.

"I did," he admitted cautiously. An odd feeling nestled in his guts, some small maggot of anxiety crawling through his body. Did they talk about him? What were they saying? The pit of his stomach was burning from worry and his eyes scanned through Saifah's face as if it would give him some kind of answer. "How often do you talk about me? He literally started the conversation by asking about you." Zon cleared his throat and imitated Tutor's toneless voice to cover his nervousness. "'I've heard Saifah and you are working together now.'" He arched his eyebrows in forced bemusement. "You really need to find some new topics, I swear."

Saifah chuckled. "We did, because he knew I work here." He didn't seem embarrassed as if he was caught red-handed or anything like that. More than anything, he was his usual self. Maybe it really was just a coincidence?

Saifah took the last sip of his coffee and added: "I guess he was concerned about us getting along."

"Oh." Zon bit his lip as the image of Tutor's smile flickered through his mind. So it had to be relief that shined in his eyes when Zon said it was more than alright and that he was hoping to hit it off with Saifah again.

For a second he wanted to laugh. How stupid was he to never even notice how hard it must've been for Tutor when they fell out? That it wasn't only Saifah and him who suffered because of the break up, but also their friend? He shook his head in disbelief. All of a sudden, from a close-knit trio, from the three musketeers, Tutor was forced to hang out with them separately. It didn't matter that no one else knew the reason behind it, but it was different with Tor. Now, he saw that. They had just left him confused, too focused on their own pain to notice anything. All the unspoken questions, all the subtle attempts to glue the group together had been met with ignorance. It would've probably been easier for him to understand if he knew about them in the first place, but instead he was just left all alone in the middle of unknown circumstances and half-truths.

Zon took a glance at Saifah. His smile was somehow different from what Zon had seen before Friday. More relaxed and genuine, almost the same he used to see those ten years ago. Suddenly, it occurred to him how deeply wrong he was. Not only he had never noticed how uncomfortable it all had been for Tutor, but he also had never noticed until now that Saifah wasn't completely relaxed around him either. Behind the exquisit politeness and professional friendliness, there was always a hint of tension in the corners of his mouth.

Fortunately, now it was all gone.

Zon let out a small breath he didn't realise he had been holding. It was like expelling the very last atoms of air from an already deflating balloon. They were fine, maybe even more than fine and it was all because of Friday's dinner. He was glad he found the courage to invite him and he was glad Saifah accepted it too. Who knows how much longer they would dance around each other, unsure what to do with the unresolved awkwardness.

"Next time we should meet together. All three of us, like in the old days."

Saifah agreed, enthusiastically nodding his head. "Definitely."

The paper cup landed in the trash can as they entered the staff room. There was a typical Monday morning hubbub: water bubbling in the kettle, metal spoons rattling in the mugs and quick chit-chats filling the room. Mr. Somchai was standing next to the window with a miserable face, looking at the yard like a convict waiting for his sentence to end. Not without a hint of amusement, Zon had noticed the irony -- usually it was the students who thought of school as a prison and teachers as their guards, but the truth was they were all locked together. He hadn't understood that until he became a teacher himself.

Teachers maybe had more power, but they were also largely outnumbered.

And also kids had at least friends to horse around together.

"It's barely Monday and I'm already fed up with those monsters," lamented Mr. Somchai, touching the window with a longing look.

"You haven't even survived the first period yet, you old goose," his wife scolded him. She turned around to look at the younger generation of teachers and added with an apologetic smile: "I hope you won't become a grump like him in the future."

"Don't worry." Saifah smiled at her and rubbed his chin, as if he was pondering about some deep things. "I'm sure some of us are already like that."

Zon snorted. "I hope you're not talking about me."

It was a risky move. He still wasn't sure about the nature of their interactions from now on, but one of the things he missed the most about Saifah was the playful bickering and teasing back and forth.

And Saifah didn't let him down, his eyes sparkling up. "If the shoe fits, Zon, if the shoe fits."

After unpacking some things out of his briefcase, Saifah picked up one of the flyers Mrs. Bunnag had left in the staff room and skimmed through it. "Zon, look." He came near him and pointed at the page. It was some brief information about a writing contest for students, organized by a small publishing house. Zon took the flyer in his hands, not exactly sure why Saifah was showing it to him, but he didn't have to wait long for an answer.

"Do you remember when you won a similar contest with your story about the lonely alien?" asked Saifah, still smiling. Zon did remember, yes. But not precisely because of the winning. "You forbade me to tell anyone."

"And then you hyped it and everyone found out!" Zon looked at Saifah with pretended displeasure but small wrinkles around his eyes gave him out. He had to admit that in the end it hadn't been that bad. Actually it wasn't bad at all. But because of the whole fuss Saifah has made around it, he had spent numerous nights rolling over in his bed and gritting his teeth. Even now, he remembered the cramps he got every time his parents called someone from the family.

"Zon, you were dying inside to tell everyone. I know you were."

Zon pouted and shrugged. Okay, it was nice to hear all those positive comments about it, but the stress nearly ate him alive. As it always did and still does, actually.

"Maybe."

Saifah leaned on Zon's desk and ran his fingers through his hair. "Besides," he added with a slightly restrained voice, "I was so proud of you. It deserved to be hyped."

"It sucked."

"It did not."

Zon sighed and rolled his eyes. "Let's agree to disagree." Small dimples appeared on his cheeks, whilst Saifah patted him gently on the shoulder and went back to his stuff. It really did feel like they were on a good track to make things right.

And maybe one day they will be able to say that they are as close as in the past.

p a s t

' University was exciting, Zon was right about that. But it was exciting only before the actual classes started and after only a week, new faces became somewhat familiar, while the taste of cafeteria's food stopped being as surprising and turned out to be mediocre at best. To say that his high spirits plummeted Zon relatively quickly was an understatement. They almost evaporated the second his eyes landed on syllabuses for courses he had taken, and never came back. It's not that he didn't like to study new things, because he absolutely did. But for some unknown reason teachers could turn even the idea of gold into the dullest piece of metal ever.

"If I were a teacher, I would make the program in such a way that students don't feel bored," nagged Zon, looking at the queue in front of him. "Look how long it is! This place is a joke! Will we even manage to eat in time?"

"You're actually good at explaining complex things," said Tutor, completely ignoring his whining. "You would make a good teacher."

Zon shuddered just thinking about it. Him? A teacher? "Never."

The queue moved a few meters before Saifah and Tanthai joined them in the line.

"Sorry, it took so long," said Saifah, playfully nudging Zon. "Junior is keeping a table, but it was kind of a miracle we found one."

Saifah's eyes were fixed on Tutor, but Zon could feel the warmth radiating from his arm being pressed to his side. He pushed against it harder, as if he was trying to shake it off, but in fact he just wanted to feel his closeness even more. His heart made a small flip. All sounds around him became a blur for an instant, when their arms were touching. Every cell in his body was yelling for even more intimate contact; a hand holding hand, a hug, or even a kiss. But they were in a public space, in front of their friends. All that had to wait a little bit longer.

He peeked at Tutor, hoping he wasn't too obvious, but their friend didn't seem interested in their teasing at all. And neither was Tanthai, who kept blabbering about something that Zon didn't even catch. Hopefully their plan was working, as Tutor still hasn't noticed--or at least didn't say--anything and their new friends just assumed they were simply a pair of very close friends.

"Have you thought about clubs yet," asked Tanthai and craned his neck at the food on people's trays to judge what they had. Displeasure was clearly visible on his wrinkled nose when the sour smell reached his nostrils. "Me and Junior will join the football team, I think. One of the captains seems really nice."

"Nice or hot?" asked Zon mockingly, but Tanthai only smiled at him and didn't answer.

Junior and Tanthai quickly became part of their gang and it felt like they belonged there from the start. They were two crackheads and Zon liked the spirit their chaotic selves brought to the group. Especially Junior's energy was a great balance for Tutor's stiffness and Tanthai, under the typical silliness, seemed like a reasonable and considerate person.

"I was thinking about the football one, too," said Saifah suddenly, which was met with a surprised response from Zon and Tutor. "What? Why are you making such faces?"

Boys exchanged looks, before saying anything; amusement flickered briefly in their eyes. "Well, we all know how it ended before." Zon's smile grew wider, seeing his boyfriends slightly furrowed brows and pouty lips. "You really want to disappoint your team again, don't you?"

"If you come to cheer on me, I won't skip practice."

"Sorry, but Tor and I have better things to do." Zon shrugged, one of those small, funny, one shouldered shrugs and narrowed his eyes in a mirthful way.

"Yeah." Tutor tsked apologetically. "Maybe if you joined the basketball team."

Zon's gaze was still lingering on Saifah, when Tanthai consolingly patted the latter on the shoulder. "Don't worry, mate," he said. "With your face I bet you will have a bunch of cheerleaders in two shakes."

"You wanted to say with his height." Zon rolled his eyes. Like Saifah would even care about a bunch of girls gasping at his skills in kicking the ball. "That's the only thing that makes him stand out."

Saifah snorted, but the shine in his eyes didn't disappear even for a second. "You just wish to be as handsome as me."

The queue moved again after what felt like forever and they finally were able to see the counter. Zon felt bad for leaving Junior alone, but also knew he was probably way too occupied with some phone game to even notice the passing time. Which was the complete opposite to Zon's own feelings. The closer they were to ordering the food, the slower the time went and even the company of his friends wasn't much help.

His eyes were smoothly drifting around the cafeteria, jumping from one table to another. No shapes nor people were catching his attention, when suddenly he heard a squeak behind his back.

"They are sooo cute!" said one girl.

"I know!" replied the other. "Imagine a series with both of them!"

"Oh gosh! That would be sooo good!"

Zon rolled his eyes and smirked. Almost as if he heard Zol and her friends.

"And the height difference?"

"It's the best, isn't it?"

He couldn't help but snicker at their words, a small, short giggle escaping his mouth. Quickly he tried to cover it by faking a dry cough, so the girls wouldn't know he listened to their conversation. It's not that he had never had talks with his friends that sounded almost the same, but he could swear he had heard almost the same exchange from his sister's room just a few days ago.

All of a sudden, a dark cloud covered his thoughts and some muddled feeling simmered in his guts. He frowned. There was no coherent idea, just fuzzy images created by fears, trying to form in his head. He blinked rapidly, but the unsettling feeling was still there. He moved along the line, ordered the food and collected it. All of that was mechanical, without paying attention to anything his friends were talking about.

Did they...? And what if...? But no, it can't be...

His thoughts were circling around, as his fingers were tracing the wooden pattern on the table. If only he was able to say what made him so insecure or if only he knew what he was so insecure about exactly... But no matter how long he was racking his brain, he still didn't know.

He bit the inside of his mouth, when suddenly Saifah's warm hand covered his under the bench. Zon twiched. The abrupt touch was like a wake-up call, like taking a rapid breath after minutes spent underwater. But as soon as he looked at his boyfriend, Saifah propped his chin on the same hand and nonchalantly answered someone's question as if nothing had happened.

Was that an accident?, wondered Zon. He gulped and tried to focus on the ongoing conversation.

"I bet I already know most of the people from our major," bragged Junior, bits of food spitting out of his mouth as he was talking. "Or at least I recognize them. I also know one really cute senior." He wiggled his brows. "I'm telling you I will make her my wife!"

Everyone at the table burst out laughing, whilst Tanthai smacked Junior on the back of his head. "I know dreams are for free, but I'm sure gods charge you a lot for all that crap you're saying!"

"You will see!" Junior jumped on the seating and pointed at his friend. "I might not be the most handsome--"

"Or smartest."

"--but I am one hell of a lucky bastard!"

Using the moment of uproar, Saifah nudged Zon gently and asked: "Are you gonna eat that, or should I finish it for you?"

Zon blinked down and realised everyone had already finished their food. Only his tray was still full of the yellow curry that stayed almost untouched. The sauce was already cold and didn't seem especially inviting, but his stomach was growling in demand of some nutriment.

Was he really caught in his thoughts so deeply that he forgot to eat?

"You wish, huh?" He grabbed the spoon and cracked a smile. "No free food for you, you parasite."

Worry in Saifah's eyes slowly faded away, as Zon dug in the food and tried to actually engage in the conversation. It was fun to tease Junior's love at first sight or Tutor's mysterious adventures in Europe, but a ghost of his concerns was still present, casting a shadow on that blissful moment. Even the feeling of Saifah's thigh pressed so closely didn't help to ease his mind. He moved his leg a bit closer; the point of contact almost burning his skin through the material.

"Saifah, you're single, aren't ya'?" asked suddenly Junior, boring into him with a strange intensity.

Zon's insides squeezed unexpectedly. Did he notice?

"Yeah, why?"

"This weekend, there's this party and I really need a wingman."

Saifah shrugged. "So? The rest here is single too, as far as I know."

"Yeah, yeah, but the party is for the football club and this asshole Tanthai already said no." A quick glare at his friend showed that Junior wasn't too happy about it. "Come on. There will be boys and girls, whatever you want. You can explore your likings, just come and help me woo Soda's heart!"

"No way." Saifah giggled. "I have plans for the weekend, but good luck with that."

Zon felt Tutor's eyes on himself and frowned. What if he actually did notice something? A wave of anxiety rumbled in his stomach. Zon was great at hiding his feelings, he knew that. All this time he had managed to hide his growing crush on Saifah and no one, not even Saifah, had noticed anything. Heck. Noone even suspected any one thing. But it was easy not to be caught, when it was just a one sided feeling. Now things had changed and maybe they weren't as secretive as he wished for. His heart throbbed in fear. What if Tutor actually did notice something? What if even strangers felt that they were way too close to each other than typical friends are? Whenever a boy and a girl are close, they are immediately thought to be a couple, no one even questions it. But was it the case with two guys as well?

When Zon raised his head, he realised that everyone beside him and Saifah were ready to leave.

"Go," said Saifah. "Take seats for us, we will catch you up."

"Okay, but hurry up," replied Tutor and wagged his fingers at them.

When his friends disappeared around the corner, Zon moved the tray away. He wasn't hungry anymore and just thinking about that cold pulp was making him sick. He still couldn't believe he let his fears consume him more than he ate the whole day.

"Earth to Zon, Earth to Zon." Saifah peered at him with a subtle smile. "I know you love space but stop spacing out."

Zon snorted. "I am not!"

He wasn't. Or at least not anymore.

"Yes, you are." Saifah flicked his fingers on his forehead. "Mind telling me what's going on in this head of yours?"

"It's nothing."

"Zon." Saifah's voice sounded like he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. But after a second he just groaned shortly. "I mean, if you don't want to, you don't have to tell me, but I can see something's bugging you."

Concern in his narrow, dark eyes and slightly pursed lips made Zon's heart melt. He felt bad for ignoring his friends through almost the whole break and seeing how much he had worried Saifah made him feel even worse.

He took a deep breath. It was hard to gather his thoughts, he wasn't even sure how to phrase them. He looked him in the eyes and said, his voice wobbly. "What if... what if people find out...? About us...?"

"They won't."
"How do you know?"

Saifah sighed and smiled at him. "Because I know," he said the most cliché answer there was, but put such an emphasis that Zon was ready to believe. "It's gonna be okay, it's not like we're doing anything more than we did before."

"But... What if they make us some imaginary couple or other bullshit?"

"What then?" Saifah shook his head, slightly amused. He looked at Zon's hands like he was going to grab them, but instead he just crossed his arms and poked him with his feet. "Does it really matter? Imaginary bullshit doesn't even mean they actually think we're dating. It just means they like to see us together."

Zon bit his lip and focused his eyes on the bench. "I... I guess..."

"Don't worry." After another moment of hesitation, Saifah gently patted Zon's hand in an awkward way. "No one will find out."

"And are you really okay with that...?"

"How many times have I told you already? Stop asking." He ruffled Zon's hair and checked his phone. "It's almost time. Do you wanna skip classes and talk more?"

"No, it's fine." Zon got up and grabbed his backpack. It really was. Even though his fears weren't completely gone, he felt peace inside his heart and just looking at his boyfriend made him want to smile. There was nothing to worry about and they were going to be fine as long as the feelings were there, he was sure about it.

A/N: I ended up writing a completly new chapter instead and editing it for so long. I'm so sorry! But I hope my intentions for this chapter are more or less clear and it doesn't feel much like a filler. ^^
Thanks for reading it, I hope you liked it! Comments are always appreciated <3

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