p a s t

"Ha, got one!" Zon waved at his friends and sat at one of the few empty tables in the packed McDonalds. He couldn't believe how many people got the same idea at the same time, when he looked at the crowded restaurant.

Or maybe he could. After all it was Friday afternoon right after classes.

Saifah placed his tray down and slid on the seat next to Zon with a big smile. "Finally, the weekend!" he exclaimed and stretched his long limbs.

One arm almost knocked out Zon's head, if he hadn't ducked in time. 'Idiot!' he wanted to shout, laughing, but the happy sound stuck in his throat as he noticed Saifah's hand on his chair. With a sudden shiver he glanced over at Tutor, to check if their friend had noticed anything. Luckily, he was too deep into his own notes to do that.

For now.

Zon nudged his boyfriend under the table and shot him a meaningful look, which Saifah understood without words. With a roll of his eyes, he took his arm back and started to eat.

"I can't believe you two already missed some classes," started Tutor, peeking at them over his papers. "Literally, the school year has just started."

Zon groaned. "Can we not? We're here to have fun, not to kill it with school talk."

Tutor looked around the McDonald and arched an eyebrow. "Fun? Okay," he mocked. "As you wish. Although I really don't get it. Sure, Sai's smart enough to be late or even ditch sometime, but you, Zon?

"If I wanted to be lectured, I would ask my parents."

"But I mean it. You used to have such good grades and now you barely focus on anything. Soon there will be exams, and—"

Zon stopped listening and hung his head. His cheeks were flushed hot, ears burning. Tutor had a point and he knew that; he did have problems lately and had no idea what was wrong either. Was it because all he could think of was Saifah? Their time after classes, all alone? Was it because he was finally in a relationship and it was distracting him all the time? Or maybe he was just too stupid for university? After all, he never was the smartest. All his grades were just decent; just enough to pass, mediocre at best. He loved to read and he swallowed every book he saw, but he never felt the same passion about textbooks or learning. He was just an average guy; average in every subject, average in every aspect; grades, looks, everything...

Suddenly a warm hand brushed his tight and squeezed in a silent support.

"You're so lucky, Tor," said Saifah loudly. A bit too loudly, even. "Man, you have your own place! Like what the hell! Everyone dreams about it, and I bet you of all people, you don't even use it properly. You could throw a big party every weekend, invite whomever you want for a whole night and what? You don't do any of that!"

Zon raised his eyes and noticed Saifah subtly checking up on him; his hazel eyes warm with love and worry. A small lump Zon had in his throat started to melt. "Yeah, imagine him inviting a girl to his place. He would freak out," he added timidly.

"I know you two think of me as some uptight asshole, but I'm not as innocent as you think." Tutor's words were followed by the high-pitched whistle Saifah did to tease him, but Zon knew it was still part of reversing the focus from his grades. "Besides," added Tutor, "you're gonna have your own place too, am I right?"

"Well, yeah. My pops promised me that after the semester ends. If I get good grades, lol."

"Wait, he did?" Zon looked at his boyfriend surprised. Why had he never heard about it?

"Yeah." Saifah sent him a cheeky smile and stole a french fry from his tray, but Zon kept blinking, chills of change crawling over his skin. Why did he feel so frightened? A new place wasn't bad news. Actually, it was great news. They would finally have a place to chill without anyone interrupting them, without fear of anyone walking in.

But why did Tutor know before him? What if Saifah had different plans for that place...?

"Can we imagine what kind of party's gonna happen there, hm?" Tutor slurped on his coke and looked at Saifah judgingly. "How many people will stay over, hm?"

Saifah burst out laughing. "Are you slutshaming me?"

"Well you always have an eye on someone, it just changes every now or then on whom." Tutor shrugged. "Besides, you have someone now too, don't you?"

Wait, what? Zon felt as if all the air got sucked out, leaving him breathless.

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," Saifah had joked, trying to brush it off, but Zon felt tense anyway.

So that was it, wasn't it? Tutor had to notice, of course he did. They were so bloody obvious, so obvious that everyone knew already, gossiping in the corners, sharing rumours around the campus and...No, it was only Tutor. Only Tutor knew about it, but he wouldn't tell anyone. He was their friend, he just wanted to know.

But what gave them away? Was it that arm a moment ago? Their messages? Or maybe he saw them kissing that one time in Saifah's room? Oh gosh, they were too obvious, even if he tried his best to hide it. Even if he kept telling Saifah to keep his hands away whenever they were not alone and now it was all—

"Who is it then?" Tutor's question snapped Zon out from his panic. "Is it that girl from Methodology? No, can't be. She has someone, right? Then that senior from the club, hm?"

Zon heaved a sigh of relief; the tension in his stomach finally losening off. Safe. They were safe and Tor did not notice after all. The relief hit him like a tsunami. Just a moment ago, he had felt like he was going to barf, right there, right on the table, right in the middle of the mall and now he almost had tears in his eyes. He slumped on the chair and gulped hard. His heart was still in distress and the lump in his throat changed its form as the subtle touch of Saifah's fingers brought him as much comfort as anxiety. He opened his eyes and smiled at Saifah.

As much anxiety as comfort and love.

p r e s e n t

Zon's roar echoed in the staff room, as one of the teachers was describing the outrageous behaviour of one of her students in an overly animated way. "If they were taken on a trip to the ZOO, I'm sure the caretaker would lock them in a cage!" she cried, sending him into another gale of laughter. He couldn't stop himself, even though he felt sorry for her, especially when he learned she was going to have another hour with the same class.

"Good luck!" he sent her off, feeling guilty for laughing so hard. The image of monkeys in the classroom was still vivid in his mind, even after Saifah and he remained the only ones left. "I pity her, but..." he snickered. He could not even articulate his thoughts without starting to laugh.

"You're the worst." Saifah side eyed him with a sympathetic smile. "Just wait until it comes back to bite you."

Zon shrugged and bit his sandwich. It was one of the free periods he shared with Saifah, although he had found out about it just recently. Before their Friday night out with Pear, he never saw his old boyfriend hanging around corridors or the staff room around that time, but ever since then, they had kept bumping on each other or sitting together. "I always stayed in the art room," explained Saifah when asked about it. "But I'm done talking with the art supplies only."

Zon wasn't sure if that explanation was good enough for him, but he never talked about it again.

"Do you want a coffee?" asked Saifah, dipping a spoon into a jar on the other side of the room. "We ran out of milk, though."

"Then no, thanks." Zon sent him a quick smile and turned back. He still had a whole pile of tests to check and no will to do that. If only those things could mark themselves...

Suddenly his phone vibrated with a new message and at the same time Saifah's rang in the distance. They exchanged quick looks and checked their phones. It was Tutor.

"18th of June, 17:30. Feel invited to a b-day party Fighter wants to hold for me, 'cuz he couldn't last month. Come if you can, no pressure. Also: NO GIFTS."

Saifah came near him, mixing his coffee. "Tor's birthday?"

"Yeah." Zon nodded with a sigh. "Whaddya think about the gift policy?"

"Figh will kill us, if we come empty handed."

"That's what I thought." He bit his lip and leaned back on his chair. "Ugh, I hoped I was gonna escape this part when I learned about his work trip."

"Same." Saifah sat on the corner of Zon's desk and shook his head. "I have no idea what to buy him. I swear, I've gone through all the options already."

"No need to tell me."

They both knew how hard it was to choose a good gift for their friend. It seemed to be like the most demanding quest in the game without any walkthrough to be found, like a puzzle without a solution. If it was something too expensive, he would get mad at them for throwing out money. If it was something cheap, it was usually useless as well and Tutor ended up throwing it away or giving to charity. It was almost impossible to make him happy, especially since he was a minimalistic guy. He was against any type of collectibles and once he finished a book, he immediately sold it out. And as much as all of them were aware of it, so was Tutor, which is why he came up a long time ago with his no-gift policy to make it easier for his friends.

Tutor did not care about material things and it was more than obvious to anyone.

Anyone, except Fighter, who was raised in wealth and believed that a birthday party equals lots of gifts. He would probably not forgive anyone who would come without even a little something.

"Zon," Saifah started abruptly, "you need to help me with it. Seriously, I'm too young to die."

"As if I have any idea!" exclaimed Zon as he looked into Saifah's pleading eyes. Something in his stomach turned upside down.

"Come on, we can go to shops and help each other. It's gonna be way faster than racking our brains on our own." With a smirk Saifah made his voice sound honeyed. "Please, Zon, please? I'm begging you."

"Don't you pull a Pear on me! You're not as cute!" opposed Zon, laughing. Lies. "Eh, okay," he finally gave up. "But no more than three shops. Y'know I hate malls."

Saifah raised an eyebrow, his lips tickling at the corners. "Hate malls, but spend three hours in a bookshop?"

Zon choked on air, half-shocked half-amused by Saifah's sassiness. "Don't think you know me so well, mister!" He glared at him, his eyes half closed. "I'm more of a secondhand books guy now."

Saifah giggled and sipped on his coffee. "Alright, alright. So..." He looked at him, a shimmer of hesitation in his eyes. "Will you go with me...? To choose that gift?"

Zon nodded with a smile, deep down excited to spend more time with his ex-friend away from school. It might be a good opportunity to make everything like it used to be. "Sure. But in the afternoon, okay? I want to have some sleep on the weekend, too."

***

Saturday came in a flash of light and Zon walked into the mall with a fast beating heart. 'What if it's gonna be awkward again? What if there was no rescue for their friendship?' his worries had been floating around his head for hours. For some incomprehensible reason, the closer it was to the weekend, the more stressed he had felt about that day. He wanted to spend more time with him, to rebuild what he had destroyed years ago and at the same time he was not sure if it was possible to restore it to what it had been.

But the second he saw Saifah all of his thoughts vanished into a thin air. He was already there, waiting for Zon on a bench, just as he always did and Zon couldn't escape the feeling that everything was just as it used to be.

In the past, Saifah was known for being quite sluggish about most things and he loved being late just as much, but not even once was he late for a meeting with Zon. Before they got together, it was one of the things that kept Zon questioning, getting him hung up on that fact, hoping that it was a sign. In the end it did not mean anything, he was just on time to meet with his best friend. But the amount of time Zon had spent deliberating whether he had or had not a chance with Saifah because of that was, to be honest, unhealthy.

Now he wished Saifah was the one who was late.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. 'It's gonna be okay,' he said to himself. It was stupid to be stressed about things that had yet to happen, he knew that, but he always had trouble with that and even therapy did not helped him about that. Not fully.

He looked at Saifah and blinked. There was something about his outfit that flustered Zon. Although he was wearing just a simple black pullover and fitted denims, he looked unusual. Good as always, but unusual and that made Zon frown.

And then it hit him—it was the casual feeling of it.

Since the reunion, he had not had a chance to see Saifah in such an outfit yet; even during their "party" with Pear, he came wearing his work clothes: a button-up and a pair of slacks. In today's outfit he looked more relaxed, like a hybrid of the Saifah he knew in the past and a matured version of him.

So why was Zon still so anxious about it?

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Don't worry about it." As soon as Saifah had noticed him, he put the phone in his pocket and jumped to his feets. A large grin split his face, when he noticed Zon's Star Wars T-shirt, making Zon feel only more flustered. The gap between their looks was big; he felt as if Saifah's was carefully polished, whilst he just took a random thing from his wardrobe, without giving it much thought. Well, he actually knew that was the case with him. He crossed his arms on his chest and shrugged, as if he was asking 'so what?', but he knew he could not possibly pull off such an attitude. Mad at himself for his careless approach, he felt streams of sweat down his back and wished he could use a time machine and grab a slightly nicer shirt.

But then a tiny voice in his head reminded him that first of all, Saifah probably did not mind, and second of all—which was even more important—that it was NOT a date. There was nothing wrong with being underdressed for shopping with a friend. Hell, there was no dress code for that in the first place.

"So," started Zon, trying to get back on track, "do you have an idea which shop we should go to first?"

"Not really." Saifah wrinkled his nose. "My head is totally empty."

"Ugh, same! I seriously hoped I would get away with it, but nooo..." Zon shook his head, dragging the vowels. "I can always count on Fighter for making my life worse."

Saifah snorted loudly in response, but they both knew it was both of them who felt this way. They moved along the lanes and looked at every shop window they passed. The hope that one of the displays would enlighten them with a great idea was big, but nothing seemed like any kind of idea.

"How about this one?" Saifah stopped in front of home decor one and looked at Zon waiting for his decision. It was the first shop they were going to enter and they did not have any better—or any other—idea, but Zon winced at the mere thought of shelves full of fragile figurines, cute decorations and glass, glass, glass. "I know, I know," said Saifah, seeing his face, "but you know how he cares about his apartment."

"It looks like it's from some designer's catalogue," Zon admitted unwillingly.

"Isn't it, though?" Saifah chuckled and entered the store.

"True dat."

Zon glanced at his back and pursed his lips. Now he was growing curious about how Saifah's flat looked like these days. For some reason he could not imagine it at all. What kind of stuff was this Saifah into? Did he still care about the same things as he did in highschool? Did he still keep all the CDs Zon had bought him on different occasions? That was very unlikely, considering everything. Or rather, considering that these days people use CDs only in cars, whicht Zon prefered to believe as it hurt less. The problem was, Zon did not even know if Saifah still lived in the same place and actually, he doubted that. He realised he knew nothing about him now and knew that even him, whose bedroom was still as cluttered with books and nerdy crape, was a different person than he was in the past.

That thought hurt him more than he would have thought.

The home decor store that they had entered was just as Zon had imagined: like a place from his nightmares. He felt completely out of place, strolling around sophisticated displays and newly wed couples. The only people who would drag him into such shops were Zol and his mother, since he would usually avoid them at all cost. Personally, he preferred cheaper places or—even better—buying his decorations online, without any judging eyes around him. And he could feel all those clerks peeking at them like vultures at prey, only boosting his anxiety. He just hoped nobody would think Saifah and he were together, as a couple. Not because they were both men, but because deep down he felt like he did not deserve being paired up with Saifah.

He glanced over at his friend, who was looking at the shelves with slight confusion.

"What do you think about this?" asked Saifah, pointing at a knife and cake server with a wry face. "I doubt they have one and it might get in handy for cake, am I right?"

"I'm not sure..." Zon crossed his arms and cocked his head. "Would you buy anyone else kitchen utensils for...a birthday?"

He could not stress out how wild that idea was for him and Saifah's answer shocked him even more.

"Yes. You." Saifah giggled and hastened to explain. "A pizza cutter in the shape of Enterprise."

Zon could only smile trying to imagine that. "Okay that's actually pretty cool," he admitted. "Please do it. You know when my birthday is."

"I will only if you invite me for pizza."

"They are usually already cut."
"Then why don't you make one for me?"

Zon felt a sudden blush on his neck and cheeks. Was he flirting? It surely did sound like it, didn't it? His heart was beating fast, the wave of panic rising. He couldn't believe it was happening, not after he clearly told himself to not let romance destroy their relationship, when they had barely reconciled. But...what if it was only his imagination, what if Saifah did not mean what Zon was thinking about?

"I mean...That is..." Saifah stammered. He looked as surprised at his own words as Zon. "What I meant is, if you make one you would have to use it...That's all..." he explained, nervously scratching his neck.

"Right!" Zon huffed. "Give me one and I'll make a pizza party for the whole gang, hm?" He forced a smile and quickly changed the subject: "So this for Tutor, yeah? As one of the options, right? What if we go around, and if we don't find anything better we would come back here?"
He dashed out of the shop after Saifah nodded gladly, and cursed himself in his mind. He was mad at himself for letting such stupid comment shake the atmosphere and almost make it all awkward again. The good thing was that Saifah seemed abashed by his own comment as well, that had to mean they were both on the same page and Zon really needed to be more careful.

Fortunately, they were in the mall for a mission that was so demanding that it distracted them from that brief moment quickly and for the rest of the afternoon they looked for the best present for Tutor. Just as they had suspected, it did not get any easier with time nor was it finished in only three shops.

"Okay, I'm fed up with it," moaned Zon after they left another perfumery. "Can we take a break and eat something?"

"Of course." Saifah looked at him surprised, but happy. "For a second I thought you were gonna call it a day," he admitted, when they moved towards the food court.

"I promised my help, so I won't until we find something. For you and me." Zon looked at his feets, hoping his next words wouldn't be misunderstood. "Besides, I kinda assumed we were gonna eat together anyway..."

"How about McDonalds then...?" Saifah peeked at him, his eyes glowing. "Like in the old days, after classes...?" There was a hint of insecurity in his voice, but Zon was more than happy with that choice. Not only was it casual, but also it was an echo of their friendship. Nothing could have been more perfect to help them ground the newly restored bases of it.

But when they sat down to eat, the problem of not having a gift for Tutor became even more vivid. The day was coming to end and they still had zero direction, as clueless as they were at the beginning. Feeling slightly desperate, Zon started to scroll the Internet, but it didn't turn out to be much more helpful.

"How about a sex toy?" asked Zon, scrolling through another ranking of '30 ideas for 30th birthday'.

Saifah choked on his hamburger and grabbed the drink to push it down. "Yeah, that's a NO," he said firmly, smiling at Zon's amused expression.

"Why? Are you shy? Oh my! Sai, you're blushing!" He tried to tease Saifah, but the other only rolled his eyes, knowing full well he did not.

"I would rather not think of what they have or like," explained Saifah with fake terror on his face. "Y'know, it's them we're talking about."

"You think they have some kinks?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure they do have multiple kinks." They both started to laugh, Zon pretending to shiver. When they calmed down, Saifah made his mind and said: "I'll buy that cake slicer. It's the best we have. But we still have to figure out something for you."

Seizing the opportunity he extended his arm and stole a french fry from Zon's tray, but Zon did not let it pass.

"Oi! Don't steal from me! You have yours!" he squeeked, feeling an odd glee at that situation. It was exactly the type of Saifah he knew; the amount of stolen fries over the years of their friendship was bigger than the kisses they had shared. He quickly grabbed two from Saifah's set and ate them with a big smile. "Now we're even."

The laugh became even louder, as their eyes met. "Your concept of equality is at very least strange," giggled Saifah. shaking his head, but Zon only shrugged lightly with a broad smile.

How good it was to hear Saifah's laughter again, to make him laugh and to laugh with him as well. That was probably something Zon missed the most and having it back left a warm ticklish feeling inside of him.

"So...How about a shirt? Or a tie?" suggested Saifah, after another moment of pondering over the gift. "He could use them to work."

Zon cocked his head and nodded slowly. "Mhm, socks maybe?"

"Yeaaaah...If you don't want to die, they would have to be from Armani."

"A tie it is." Zon put his phone in his pocket and took the last sip of his Sprite. "Thanks. That's actually not a bad idea." Cheap and useful—perfect for such a boring person like Tutor.

They got their presents in less than forty minutes, which felt like lightspeed compared to a whole day wasted meandering around the shops. Zon was glad Saifah was with him; not only was it his idea in the first place, but also without his help he would probably not have chosen such a nice colour. He raised the small box and smiled, hoping that Tutor would like it as well.

"Seriously, thanks," Zon said again when they stopped in front of the exit. "Without you, I would probably have given up and been getting ready for a death sentence."

"You always were the braver one." Saifah grinned, his smile warm and lazy, like the sun in the summer morning. Zon couldn't take his eyes away from him, as dazzled by his beauty as he always was. Everything in Saifah was perfect, just like that smile. Even that small scar on his cheek and the gap in his left eyebrow, even those wrinkles around his eyes, although deeper than they used to be, highlighted his handsomeness. Sometimes Zon couldn't believe that perfect Saifah had ever wanted to be with him.

But that was in the past.

He glanced over outside, now plunged in the evening darkness. This day would have been a nightmare if Saifah wasn't there with him and Zon was not ready to say goodbye yet. That perfect Saifah was a great companion and although he was only his friend now, Zon wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

"Hey Sai," he said, feeling the passing seconds like a breath on his nape. "Would you like to grab a coffee before we leave? My treat."

"Sure." Saifah blinked, once again surprised by Zon's proposition. "But no need to pay."

They sat down in a coffee shop on the first floor, white mugs with a hot steaming coffee covered in whipped cream in their hands. Zon bit his lip and leaned against the chair. "Sorry I didn't ask before, but how are your parents?"

Saifah raised his eyes on him, his spoon stopped midway. "Good, thanks." He frowned slightly, but seemed happy that Zon had asked. "Nothing has changed actually, they still live where they were, all healthy. The only difference is that now they are grandparents, so they have their hands full."

"Huh? Grandparents?" Zon dropped his mouth open.

"Sing? My brother?" Saifah reminded him. "He got married a couple of years ago."

"Oh! Of course!" He slapped his forehead. How could he forget? "How is he?"

"Did you just think I got a kid?" Saifah broke down in laughter and shook his head.

A flush of embarrassment rushed over Zon. "It's not that impossible," he pouted. It had been more than five years and he had had relationships with women as well, anything could have happened.

"Yeah, but not very likely either. I was way more often in relationships with guys."

"Speaking of...how did they take it?" It was weird asking about it after so many years, but he couldn't resist being curious. They broke up before Saifah came out to his parents and Zon knew they weren't as open as his. "You don't have to answer, though."

Saifah ignored that, however. "They were actually quite fine with it. Maybe because Sing was already engaged to Grace or maybe because they thought it was just a phase..." Saifah shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. "They still hope I'll get married with a girl in the end and think I don't see they are way more friendly towards my girlfriends, but beggars can't be choosers, huh?"

"Maybe it's about their personality...?"
"Trust me, it's not." Saifah chuckled and hesitated, before adding: "To be honest, I was quite surprised to hear about you coming out...When was it, a few years after graduation?"

"Not even a year, but I guess Tutor didn't tell you right away..." Zon rubbed his forehead, suddenly feeling timid. He should have known it would come down to that. With a gulp he locked his eyes on Saifah and said: "I went to therapy at the last year of uni and yeah...That helped me to realise how fucked I am. Not that I'm telling everyone about everything now, but some facts are easier than others."

At least now he was less scared of what people thought about him, including that therapy talk. He also knew Saifah well enough to be sure he would never judge him for that nor would he ever say anything to make Zon uncomfortable.

He did look a bit weird, however.

"I'm happy you did. I'm happy for you," he said, putting all his feelings into it and Zon could tell it was genuine. He was happy about it as well, as it made his life way easier in many aspects, not only in terms of being open about his sexuality but about being less anxious about sharing details of his life. Some part of him wished, however, that he could have started fighting that irrational fear way earlier.

Maybe somewhere around the first year of university.

Maybe before it was too late.

A/N: I have no clue why this chapter came out so long, but okay. Next is gonna be my most favourite chapter (the one with Tutor's birthday; but if you're gonna be disappointed with it, I'm sorry XD It's just it was fun to write it xD) so I'm gonna publish the 12th one before moving back to the other story :)

BTW I know I've stated this in the story before (especially a few chapters ago in a chapter with Zol), but I want to repeat that Zon's anxiety is not the problem with internalised homophobia or anything like that - he actually had/has probably some kind of anxiety disorder where he feels anxious about what other people think of him to an unhealthy degree, where he feels anxious about telling his close family of even winning a contest or changing work and such :)

Speaking of nothing, I feel like I keep talking to y'all readers in that author's note as some kind of conversation. I'm so sorry to y'all...

Oh, and a song, as I promised to add my playlists, which have nothing to do with the chapter XD
DAYGLOW: "Can I call you tonight?"
Parks, Squares&Alleys: "We're not just friends"
Peach Pit: "Peach Pit"
Beach House: "Myth"
Actually while writing this story I usually listen to "sad indie kid" playlist on youtube, but I skip Arctic Monkeys song because I know it too well, so it keeps distracting instead xD