Hello my dear lovelies!!!

Im FINALLY back again!!!

Im deeply sorry to make you wait for so long (5 months *cough, cough*) but i needed this break very urgently. I was finally able to focus on other things and gather new strength, muse and will to continue this fanfiction.
I'll still be VERY slow at times, but I'll also promise to do my very best.

This chapter took me FOREVER!!! Not only because of lacking muse, but also to write an understandable AND believable way to make you understand that theres not just one person to blame for the shit that had been happening in the past chapters.
I hope you guys love the outcome.

I hope you enjoy this long overdue chapter <3

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Levi P.O.V.

I just wanted to forget, drink, forget, and then drink again.

I think I have never been so drunk and numb in my life as I have been in these two weeks. Or was it just a week?

I had lost all sense of time, the days blurred into one another and formed only a strange rhythm of bright and dark skies. I only left the hotel where I had stayed all the time to eat, but I never stayed out longer than an hour.

On the second day of my stay here, my boss also called me to let me know that I was fired because of the incident in London with the decadent asshole who dared to sexually harass me.

Because I had just left without giving any feedback or reason, and because I hadn't even called my boss the whole time since I returned, not even recently where I should have appeared at work to earn my money, which I didn't.

Hence it came as it had to come.

But the truth was: I didn't care.

I had more than enough money on my account to live on it for several months and maybe to move to another city. I couldn't stay here any longer. Everything I see, everything I hear and smell, every little detail here reminds me of her.

From the moment I left Nina to break up with her, my whole shitty life was like a heap of broken glass that grew bigger every hour.

After taking note of the call from my former boss, I turned the device off and threw it into the next best corner, where it would remain for the next two weeks.

Despondent and exhausted, I cut myself off from all social contacts, wanted to see and hear no living soul.

I just wanted to be left alone.

However, my thoughts never stopped circling around what I left behind: my Nina, the woman who had lied to me for months, had kissed behind my back with my best friend while I knew nothing.

Everything that was dear to me slipped out of my grasp. Everything and everyone I loved moved away from me. I lost everything I loved and I wasn't even in control of it.

The deep, dark feeling of being betrayed and lied to by the people who were most important to me in my life ate me up on the inside.

Erwin, whom I didn't just see as my best friend, but more like a brother, a comrade with whom I had walked through thick and thin and whom I could always rely on and whom I would have blindly entrusted my life to, betrayed me in the worst way I could imagine, but what hurt much worse was Nina's treachery.

The woman I loved from the bottom of my heart, with whom I was already planning a future together, with whom I could even imagine having children, and whom I trusted most of all, fell in love with my best friend behind my back. I didn't believe her assurances that she would still love me. How can you love two people at the same time, to the same extent, and without restrictions?

And yet: The deep fear and despair in her eyes as she tried to explain to me what she felt, how she felt ...

I couldn't forget this picture no matter how hard I tried. Her eyes, her face contorted with pain - I would never be able to forget it because her pain had become mine.

Even if almost two weeks had passed now, no matter how much time I had now spent alone and how much I used this time to think about what had happened, there was an irrefutable truth that I was always certain of and that slowly but surely made me feel driven to despair and madness:

I still loved her from the bottom of my heart and with every fiber of my body.

Since the moment I stormed out of her apartment, part of me stayed behind and the rest of me is dying little by little, every day.

In my self-imposed isolation, I had no choice but to think. Over and over again before I just fell asleep from exhaustion. A slumber that lasted no more than two to three hours.

Without Nina by my side, without her comforting and warming closeness, my dark self gained more and more strength, pushed me back into the state I thought I had defeated.

The nightmares came back on the first night, made me see such terrible things that for the first time in months I jolted up from sleep, screaming and in tears, not knowing who I am or where I was.

It was terrible. All the pictures that I had long forgotten, along with new ones that only made the pain even more unbearable, no longer allowed me to sleep peacefully. Over and over again I relived the last moments just before I left Nina, saw her tears, heard her cries of lament, and would ultimately see her collapse in front of me. And all I would do is stand there and do nothing. I stare at her paralyzed, unable to react, unable to help her, even though everything in me urged for it.

Every time, I wake up drenched in sweat and my heart would race. For the first time in a long time, I expected to sleep with horror rather than anticipation. Without Nina, every closing of my eyes was a risk of suffering even more.

So I decided to stay awake as long as I could until exhaustion took hold of me.

And the time in which I lay awake, I used to think.

I had no choice but to deal with what had happened, as much as it hurt, and even if I didn't like it, I was more to blame for my condition than I was willing to admit.

I was so used to having her around, was so happy with her that I took it for granted. And that was exactly my biggest mistake. Too quickly, I had forgotten what was necessary so that it could come that far.

I had forgotten how fragile she was, and still is, forgot what she had been through and how much she suffered from her fears and panic attacks.

I just forgot everything.

How could I forget?

I still knew what I had to do to win Nina for me at all costs. For her, I have turned my whole personality upside down so that she feels comfortable with me and so that she doesn't need to be afraid of me.

Nina wasn't someone who just trusted someone like that. I noticed this very early. To be more precise, I knew it from the day I met her, and yet I wanted to take the risk.

When I think back to what it took for her to open up to me, so that she even allowed me to get close enough to her to reveal my feelings ... it was a lot of work, both physically and mentally.

No woman had ever challenged me as much as Nina. She had put my patience to the test for a long time, but I knew why she was doing it. Her lack of trust in other people, coupled with her fear and ultimately the prospect of overcoming all of this when I finally did it, was a heady feeling and I became addicted to it.

Every time she revealed more about herself to me when she trusted me more and let me get closer to her to make me part of her life-

It was indescribable.

I believed that she was doing this only for me, that she was only revealing herself to me and I completely ignored that there was someone else.

My self-confidence, my blindness, and my ignorance towards Erwin finally cost me the most precious thing I had.

That was my mistake that I could never make up for. I watched how Nina and Erwin got closer and closer, saw how happy and loving they treated each other without doing anything about it.

I knew deep down that I should have been jealous, that I should have protected Nina from him, but I didn't.

Although I knew that Erwin was also in love with Nina, I didn't do anything because I felt and saw that there was a special bond, that Erwin gave her things that I was unable to do and that he had traits that I lacked and those for Nina were all the more valuable and which she ultimately learned to love.

I believed too much that I would be the only one for her, that nothing would happen if I was gone for a long time and left her alone with Erwin, but my ignorance took its bitter revenge.

I knew I would never completely get over it if I stayed in this town, so close to her, and maybe even forced to watch her show up holding hands with Erwin at our monthly night outs. No ... I don't want to have to endure this shame and this pain. In addition to having to look at Erwin's stupid grin, knowing that he had achieved exactly what he wanted: to take away the love of my life.

And worst of all, I couldn't really blame him. I should have acted much earlier, should have found my own home with Nina where only both of us would live, but I stayed with Erwin.

This whole shitty situation is actually my fault from the start.

I let Nina and Erwin get closer, I never got in between, I left her alone for weeks, and it was I who never took the necessary steps to ensure that Nina was only meant for me.

But as much as I tried to blame myself for everything, this dark, threatening boil in my gut whenever I thought of this blonde bastard made me painfully aware that there was someone else who should be much more to blame, and it tore me apart.

The knowledge that my best friend, who was almost like a brother to me, had cheated and betrayed me so shamelessly, left a gaping wound that was still bleeding.

Yes, I loved Erwin. I loved Erwin the way you love a brother, but it only makes the betrayal and pain so much worse.

After months, a time when I was never happier, my relationship with Nina came to an end and all I could do now was forget about her. Leaving the town seemed like a good start for me. Somewhere far away.

I didn't have to be a scientist to know that I've been fired, but I can find a job as a security guard everywhere, but to take this next difficult step, I first had to get out of this shithole!

I hid in this hotel for over two weeks, fed on convenience foods and delivery services, and barely used the bathroom.

I felt absolutely miserable. Dirty, greasy, unclean, and mistreated.

That's why I called Mikasa. As part of the family, she was one of the few remaining people I could really trust, but I had barely said a word on the phone when she was already yelling at me.

Crap!

The news that Nina and I have broken up has already spread, and judging by Mikasa's tone, she was anything but pleased. Tch ... as if I owe her an explanation of my love life.

I was already on the way to her home but was already infinitely annoyed.

The interrogation that was most likely waiting for me gave me a headache.

All I wanted was to take a shower and do my laundry, not talk about how and why I broke up. I want to forget everything as quickly as possible.

This will make it easier to start a new life. Somewhere.

It wouldn't be the first time for me anyway.

It took me almost fifteen minutes on the bus across town and I felt like an alien.

I was disgusted by myself as dirty and greasy as I looked. I've been wearing the same clothes for two weeks now.

Disgusting.

I'll just ask Mikasa if I can borrow some clothes from Eren, even if they might be a little too big. Better than nothing.

At least the trip finally distracted me a little, even if I still had to face Mikasa's interrogation. I would just tell her to stay out of it and let me live my life. For what reasons I broke up with Nina is none of her fucking business!

While I was going through all kinds of conversations in my head and to keep the interrogation as short as possible, my feet carried me to Mikasa's house as soon as I got off the bus, and before I knew it I was standing in front of her door. A long, deep sigh slipped from my lips as I stared at the bell as if in lethargy. The sign "Ackerman / Yaeger" was an involuntary but still clear reminder that I could have had this with Nina too.

In the driveway was Mikasa's SUV "Arnie", which was a pretty silly name for a car. Or even giving a car a name was stupid.

Anyway ... the sooner I get this over with, the better. Hopefully, I will be able to conclude this chapter all the sooner.

As soon as I finish everything here, I'll go back to Erwin's penthouse and pack my things. I can have the furniture picked up later. The main thing is that I have the bare essentials to find a place to sleep in the next bigger city.

With this plan in mind, I pressed the doorbell, but no sooner had I let go of the button, the door flew open and a black-haired woman stared at me furiously. Great...

"There you are, at last, you little squirt! In with you, we have a lot to talk about! "

"Tch, let me first- WHOA!"

Without waiting for my answer, Mikasa pulled me into the house by my collar and slammed the door shut.

Mikasa P.O.V.

Finally!

Levi had made me wait so long that I thought he was going to hide like a coward like he has been doing for the past two weeks.

The moment when he finally rang the doorbell filled me with such enthusiasm, but also with renewed anger, that I jumped up from my chair like a jack-in-the-box.

I didn't even give him time to make excuses. With a courageous grip, I dragged him into the house.

I had no patience and no desire for his attitude. I was SO angry, I wanted to shred Levi into pieces right away!

But attacking him right now with my questions would be wrong.

When I looked at my cousin's idiotic face, I realized what a wreck he was. Shabby, dirty clothes, greasy hair, and an unkempt appearance.

Shit ... he had really let himself go since he and Nina went their separate ways. I thought Nina was the only one who is really bad, but when I look at Levi he wasn't better off either.

Not as bad as Nina, but when I think about what kind of a clean freak Levi actually is and how he looks now, this state of affairs is like an apocalypse.

"First, make haste that you get into the shower. You stink. Upper floor, last door on the right. I'll put some of Eren's clothes out for you and throw your dirty stuff into the washing machine. "

"Tch ... I know that I look like shit ..... But thanks. For your help."

Wow. Hearing a thank you from Levi is almost as rare as snowfall in May. Not impossible, but very rare. That pacified me for the moment, but if Levi thinks he can postpone the inevitable like this, he's dead wrong.

"You're welcome. Take your time. It will take a while before your laundry is finished. I'll make us some tea. More than enough time to talk. " A renewed reminder of what to expect as soon as Levi is done showering, and what brought me the famous 'Ackerman eye roll' and a click of his tongue.

He was annoyed, that was obvious, but Levi seems to forget who he was dealing with.

We are of the same blood. I know better than anyone where to pinch him to make it hurt and what to do to make him tell me what I want to hear. I won't give up or let him go until he tells me what I want to know.

Without saying another word, Levi went upstairs and I started to put water to boil before I followed him.

From Eren's closet, I took out a pair of dark blue jeans and a plain cream-colored sweatshirt, along with a pair of socks and boxer shorts.

I could already hear the rush of the shower and without hesitation, I walked into the bathroom.

"Holy shit, Mikasa! Ever heard of privacy ?! " Levi snapped at me, who didn't even peek out from behind the curtain.

"Don't shit your pants! You pretend I've never seen a naked man before. I'm sure there is nothing on you that I haven't seen before. I brought you some clothes, so don't complain. "

All I heard was an annoyed grunt.

"I'll put Eren's things here for you. I'll wait downstairs. "

I left the bathroom without another word and went back to the kitchen, where I first made the tea, and immediately afterward I did something that would certainly only piss on Levi more:

I locked the front door and hid the key.

I was determined to keep Levi here until I gave him a piece of my mind, and until I have at least tried to make him overthink things.

It's going to be hard work, but it wouldn't be the first time Levi and I have an argument. At least Eren isn't there to see it happen.

The last time he heard Levi and me yell at each other, he locked himself in the bedroom and crawled under the covers like a scared cat. After I put Levi's dirty laundry in the washing machine, I waited with a full pot of tea for Levi to finally finish showering.