"She is stable now. If you want you can go to her now. Right aisle, the last room on the left. But please be quiet and try not to excite her. She is very weak. "

I jumped up from my seat like a spring. The nurse's words hit my heart like a kick in the stomach. A deep, dark fear seized me, laced my throat. What would I expect if I entered her room?

Together with Mikasa, we made our way to the room the nurse had given us. Less than a minute later we were standing in front of it and I was the first to pull the door handle. I slowly opened the door and pushed it open.

A dim light burned inside, like a bedside lamp. But there was no sound.

Mikasa and I looked at each other for a moment and I heard her take a deep breath, just like me.

She entered first and I followed and closed the door behind us.

When we entered the room, the whole picture of misery was revealed to us.

I wanted to gasp, wanted to express my deep shock somehow, but no air went in or out of me. The gasp I wanted to inhale so desperately, died halfway down my throat. It broke my heart to see my love like that.

Mikasa immediately went to her bedside, tenderly took her hand, but it seemed as if Nina was sleeping.

Mikasa sighed and then went to take her medical records to study it while I was still rooted in the doorway.

I slowly awoke from my lethargy and took a step closer to the free side of her bed, but the closer I got, the more my heart broke, the more I was shocked, and the more I was filled with regret and guilt.

In the dim light of the bedside lamp, she almost looked as if she's dead. The only thing that could be concluded that she was still alive was the barely visible raising and lowering of the duvet while she was breathing, a nasal mask inside her nostrils while she's attached to a respirator.

Without even registering what I was doing, I grabbed the next best chair and took my place by her side, picked up her ice-cold hand with mine, and held it in both hands, hoping that my warmth would show her the way back to me.

I was still in a state of shock as I looked at my loved one as she lay here on the bed, so weak, so cold, so lifeless. Her otherwise bright pink skin was now pale and dull, she had deep and dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn't slept for days, with an IV stuck to her right arm, from which she was nurtured and supplied with medication, and although it wasn't that long ago when I saw her the last time she looks a bit emaciated to me.

I sighed loudly and pressed my forehead against her hand, which I still clutched tightly between mine.

If I had only been with her, if I had only supported and comforted her, this would certainly not have happened.

Nina's strong, emotional connection to Levi had finally turned out to be a curse. I did not see it as a weakness to be so emotional, it was an important, and above all, the quality that I valued most about her, but now it is precisely this emotionality that brought her to the hospital.

I knew I had a saying in her condition, it was partly my fault that she lays in this bed, but I couldn't help but blame Levi as well. I needed to have a culprit, I needed to hate someone other than myself because I couldn't possibly loathe myself more.

It didn't matter why or for what reasons Levi parted from Nina, all I was interested in was that my love was currently in the hospital, completely exhausted, seriously ill, and maybe even close to death, and I WANTED it to be Levi's guilt!

"Erwin. Here it says that according to the blood test she has the flu, but I have never seen such a bad course if this disease. When I had it I was fit again after a week, but this is more like pneumonia. Can you explain that?"

I looked at Mikasa and saw her showing me the report. Reluctantly I let go of Nina's hand and took the clipboard to read the report. It actually said that it was "only" the flu, but Mikasa was right.

I have never seen such a serious case, not even during my time as a commander while visiting the infirmary.

"No, I'm sorry. Although ... I have a suspicion, but I can't say for sure whether it's related. " Extending my arm, I handed the report back to Mikasa and she put it back where she had it before she came to my side and stood next to me with my arms crossed. I felt her look on me as if she wanted to pierce me with it.

I know I had promised her, but suddenly Nina was more important to me than anything else, even more, important than my promises that I usually never break. I wanted to stay by her side, wanted to hold her hand until she woke up, wanted to be the first one she sees. I cursed at my strong sense of justice.

"I guess you want to know what happened now, right?" I asked without looking up at her.

"How nice that you haven't forgotten how to assess the situation correctly when it is necessary. Here or rather outside? "

I sighed and looked back at Nina, who was still deeply asleep in her bed. I still felt like I was stuck in a nightmare without waking up to the prospect. I couldn't believe that my loved one was so weakened that she had to be taken to the hospital, but no matter how hard I told myself that it couldn't be true, I had the living evidence here before me, weak, sick, at the limit of her strength, both physically and mentally.

Once again I took her cold hand in mine, laced our fingers, and lifted it up before I breathed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand.

"Let's go out and find a quieter place. Nina needs her rest, and if we start arguing here, it will only harm her healing, yes? "

I was determined to do everything possible to get Nina as much rest as possible, but for now, I had to leave her alone so that I could finally fulfill my promise to Mikasa.

I just hoped I wouldn't make myself a new enemy with it.

"I agree. Go ahead. " Mikasa's tone was serious and demanding, emotionless, and cold. You can clearly tell that she and Levi are related.

I took one last look at Nina before I got up and went around the bed, aware to be as quiet as possible, Mikasa close behind me as we quietly left the room and back into the main hall of the hospital.

I looked around for a place where we could talk as undisturbed as possible, walked past rooms and nurses who worked diligently, cared for patients, and distributed medication. At first, I thought of the waiting area where I had been waiting with Mikasa, but I quickly rejected the thought because there were already other people sitting and talking to each other. Then I thought of the cafeteria, but Mikasa quickly made me forget that idea too. Too public, too many people. I didn't know what to expect in the course of the discussion and whether Mikasa was making a huge scene, so I kept looking.

It was already dark outside thanks to the wintertime, despite the still early time of 6 o'clock in the evening. So many hours had passed today that I which I was either sick with concern for Nina, or I'd spent at home trying desperately to clear up the chaos that Levi and I had left behind.

Because contrary to my expectations, Levi hadn't been home since our argument. He wouldn't last a minute in a bloodstained household that was full of broken and overturned furniture and items.

Thanks to my broken ribs, I didn't get very far with cleaning up. All I could do was sweep up a few small pieces and wipe the blood off the floor. For everything else, I either have to ask Mike or hire someone to do it. I also needed a new dining table ...

I also tried to call Levi several times. I had stopped counting exactly how many times, but I could not reach him once. All I heard was his mailbox and the message that the "user is temporarily unavailable". I am sure that it was Levi who was responsible for me waking up in the same hospital where Nina was laying now. The questions from the police when I woke up were annoying, but despite what had happened between Levi and me, I couldn't bring myself to hand him over.

Looking back, maybe I should have because then Mikasa's call came out of nowhere and overturned my entire schedule. But at that moment there was nothing more important than Nina.

Finally, I decided that it was probably the best that Mikasa and I were talking outside the hospital. There was a large parking lot with enough seats and even a small shelter for smokers, which luckily was empty right now. A good, and above all, a protected place from unwanted audiences.

"There." I gave a short command and Mikasa hummed in agreement as we walked to the shed.

When the milky glass shielded us from wind and weather from three sides, we occupied the seats on the inside, where she sat directly opposite me.

Arms folded, one leg crossed over the other, Mikasa leaned back and fixed me with her piercing, cold look.

"So? I'm all ears."

The moment of truth had finally come. The moment when I'm going to tell the first outsider about my, about our, tricky and complicated situation and which is obviously to blame why my beloved Nina is now in the huge building next to me.

Even though Mikasa is a good, close friend, the matter was still very private, and uncomfortable, but I had no choice. I took another deep breath and exhaled harshly, and then I started telling the whole story from the very beginning ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

That was the first thing I heard when I ended with my very long story.

What else should I have expected? Understanding? Accommodating? Compassion?

Not from Mikasa as it seems. Her venomous, deadly look fixed me intently as she stood in front of me with her arms crossed.

She had gotten up a long time ago. Her body language was clearer than words could ever be. Everything about her more than clearly expressing her resentment and the disgust she felt towards me.

"You don't really want to tell me that all of this happened between you ?!"

"It's true. Every single word you heard. " I sighed heavily and rubbed my face with my hand. All of this bothered me more than I wanted to admit. Not only did I worry endlessly about my beloved Nina, but now I had to tell everything again, right from the start, with all the painful details that made my life hell and which was draining me from my strength, but I knew I had to stay strong. I had to stay steadfast and persevere, not only for myself but also for Nina. If I start to lose hope and strength, I have nothing left to get up in the morning.

With or without Mikasa's understanding, my decision, and the path I took wouldn't change!

"Erwin...Are. You. Fucking. Insane?! Are you really trying to tell me that all of this shit happened because you weren't thinking with your brain but with your dick instead? I thought better of you, eyebrows. Way, way better."

"Don't dare to assume that Nina is just a random pussy I want to bang! She's so much more than that! If it was only for fucking her, I would've had her in my bed a long time ago!" I bellowed back, jumping up from my seat, for I couldn't stand the way Mikasa was thinking about my Nina.

"Don't fucking twist the words in my mouth, eyebrows, and listen! You acted and behaved like a total jerk. Did you even consider the outcome of your reckless behavior? I doubt that because otherwise you would've restrained from your stupid fawning and raving over a girl that was officially taken! She was happy with Levi for so long! Until you came and ruined it all. Great job, Erwin. Really."

"Do you think I did this on purpose? Do you really consider me being so cruel and dumb to risk a lovely and happy relationship because I just wanted to have a good time? Nina isn't just a loose fuck I wanted to spare some time with!"

"Then why did everything end up the way it is right now, when it's not your fault, huh? Tell me, Erwin. Who else is to blame for the fact that your stupid selfishness and raging hormones are the cause for my best friend now laying sick in the hospital? Without Levi by her side to comfort her and make her feel better? The way how it actually should be?"

Her words hit a nerve.

Everything I never wanted to admit to myself, everything I had suppressed and denied for so long, was now slapped in my face with so much force. From none other than Mikasa, who actually had nothing to do with the whole thing, but was now full in the picture.

Beaten, I sunk back into my seat, buried my two hands in my hair as I lowered my head, exhaling a loud sigh.

"Yes, you are right. You are right about everything. Nina was happy the way it was. With Levi as her loyal, loving boyfriend, and me as a close but good friend. Everything could have been so perfect, but I couldn't take it anymore. If I hadn't forced myself on her and not confessed my deep love, maybe none of this would've ever happened. I don't think she would have even realized or admitted to herself that she also had feelings for me if I hadn't opened the floodgates for her. "

I never wanted anyone to see me like that, especially Mikasa. The only one I wasn't ashamed to show myself like that, and who had already seen me like that, was Nina, but she wasn't here. I fought so hard with myself, I didn't want to risk a tear at any cost, but it was the hardest fight I've ever had. All the anger, the frustration, the sadness about my denied love to Nina; I was at the end of my strength, and my resistance.

"Erwin ... what are you talking about?" asked Mikasa, now in a much gentler tone.

"I kept myself in check all the months, controlled myself and held back as long as possible, but every day I saw Levi and Nina walking hand in hand, exchanging kisses, seeing them disappear into Levi's bedroom to...to sleep together, although I wanted nothing more than to swap places with Levi for a moment, I held back. I buried my feelings as long and as deep as I could because I knew both Levi and Nina were so happy. "

The sting in my eyes became unbearable, so much that I could no longer stand the superiority of my feelings. Single, small drops ran down my cheeks, dripped from my chin onto my lap as light, muffled sobs mixed in my words.

I just couldn't anymore...

"I was really happy for Levi, you see? I was so happy for both of them that they found each other, that both finally had someone to heal and support each other. It was so good to see that my best friend was finally able to smile again and finally came out of his self-imposed isolation. He is my friend, my comrade. We were almost like brothers, but ... with each day the two came closer, the more I felt excluded. I held back my feelings ... locked them away as much as I could. You have no idea how much it hurt, how much it tormented me to see them, even though I loved them just so much, but I didn't want to lose Nina." Sniffling, I wiped the moisture off my cheeks when I suddenly saw a shadow sitting next to me, and just a short moment later, I felt the warmth of a hand on my back that stroked me comfortingly.

Did Mikasa feel sorry for me now? Great ... that was the last thing I needed.

"Erwin ... are you serious about this? Why didn't you say anything about it before? "

"I thought it was obvious, but what is the point now? Levi is gone, Nina is in the hospital and I have no idea when or if her condition will improve soon. I was always there for her when she needed me, tried everything to be a good friend, to comfort her when she needed me and Levi couldn't be with her, but every touch, every hug from me only left me suffering more, and yet, I held back for so long, for the sake of our friendship, for not risking to lose what I had, but it was in vain. I could no longer suppress my feelings, and finally, they defeated me. Nina knows that I love her, but at what price? "

"That means you ... do you really love her? Honestly? "

I didn't want to face her. I didn't want Mikasa to see me like that. Broken, crying, weak. How can I still rest on my past successes and the title of a commander if I am nothing more than a lovelorn fool?

Mikasa's gentle back rubs didn't help me either, although the calming and comforting effect was undeniable.

"Yes ... from the bottom of my heart."

"And you didn't want her just because Levi had her? Not just one girl out of many for an exciting night? " What was this ridiculous question?

"Of course not! I ... of course I wanted to sleep with her, I wanted it so much, but what I wanted, even more, was her love. I don't just want her body, I want her whole, with skin, hair, and soul. Nina has such a gentle soul, an impressive way of taking life as it comes, she finds joy in the simplest things and always tries to be happy. She is always there for others and puts their well-being above her own first. Tell me Mikasa ... how could I not fall in love with her? "