Two days later, almost nothing had changed as well. On Tuesday, I had fought my way up to the doctor to be able to present a medical certificate to my boss, but as soon as the door to my apartment closed behind me I reverted to my previous behavior.

I barely slept, ate even less, and my skin was pale and lackluster. I didn't even notice if my stomach was growling from hunger. In any case, I no longer felt hungry anyway. I looked terrible and felt more terrible every day.

Another reason why I didn't want to leave my apartment.

Erwin hadn't even reported once in all the time. He hadn't even read the messages I sent.

The feeling that he had lied to me too all the time crept over me more and more. All the sweet-talking, the kisses, the promise that we will somehow make it, together. With each day that passed without an answer, the all-consuming fear of being betrayed again grew in me.

I rolled over and stared out of the window with heavy, aching eyes. My couch has become my new bed in the last few days because I couldn't bring myself to enter my bedroom.

I felt worse today than usual. Every single bone in me hurt, every muscle, every movement made me flinch.

I couldn't even say exactly where it hurt the most, because everything was one painful lesion.

Exhausted and with an empty, veiled look, I pulled the thin fleece blanket over my head, hoping to get some sleep, but seconds after I had done so, my cell phone vibrated with an incoming call.

Startled, I jolted up and grabbed the buzzing device.

It was Erwin!

Finally a sign of life! Relief filled me when I hastily accepted the call.

"Yeah? Erwin? Finally ... I was very afraid that you- "

"Hey, baby. Please forgive me for not reporting until now, but there was no other way. I haven't been at home for the past few days and didn't have my phone with me so I couldn't answer. I'm so sorry baby. How are you?"

I sighed loudly and heavily into the phone.

"What do you expect? I feel like shit. I mean, really. "

"So, this means that the thing we feared about had happened?"

"Yes..."

"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked. You must have suffered a lot, my poor little one. Can I do anything for you? Should I come over?"

"No ... I don't really want to have anyone here right now. But ... could we meet for training as usual? I really need the distraction. "

Silence on the other end. Erwin also sighed loudly into his device.

"It's actually not a good idea. My health isn't the best and I am not allowed to do any sport. I also have a lot of work to do here at home. Levi and I ... we kind of had an argument and a few things broke down in the process."

Shit. So it was actually like I feared. I'm sure Erwin's quiet voice hid more than he wanted to show through.

Do I really want to know what happened?

"But if I take your condition into account, a little training and distraction may be just the thing, but I can only come later. Do you want to start with Mikasa and wait until I join? I can at least support you mentally and emotionally, okay? "

"Yes, it's okay. Better than not seeing you at all. I need you now, you understand? "

"Of course, baby. I have already promised you that I am there for you and will stay with you for whatever you want. Whether as a friend or something else, it's your decision in the end. "

"M-hm. Do you think ... I'm depraved? Or a bitch? "

I felt just like a slut. Being freshly separated from Levi, still loving him and hoping that he would come back to me, but running into someone else's arms. I felt so shabby and dirty during the past few weeks, and no matter how hard I showered and scrubbed, the dirt won't come off.

"Absolutely not! Stop thinking about yourself like that right away. You are a human, like everyone else. You have feelings and emotions, and as with everyone, feelings are sometimes weird and stupid and unfathomable. They make us do stupid things, but that's why we're not worth less than we are. You are a wonderful person who has a lot of love to give and unfortunately had a hard life before. You see the good in everything and you are honest and kind. And if Levi doesn't see this and leaves you because of the feelings you have for me, even though you told him that you also love him, then he doesn't deserve you and I can go to hell! "

Erwin's serious, booming voice from the other side and the way he spoke of me almost brought me back to the brink of tears. That he speaks of me so well despite everything and supports me and stands behind me was too much for my emotionally troubled mind, and I could not suppress a sniff.

"Baby? Everything okay? Please forgive me if I made you cry, sometimes my tongue goes loose when I talk about something too passionately. "

Hard to believe, but I actually laughed a little from Erwin's remark.

"That's fine. Don't worry. I'm just very emotional and vulnerable right now. Please don't use that to your advantage. "

"I won't do that, I promise. How could I still call myself a gentleman if I tried to mess with you in your condition? Even if what I have been doing in the past few weeks has not been very gentleman-like, I admit that openly, this here is something completely different. Take as much time as you need to have your wounds healed. I want to see you laugh again soon, right? "

"Thank you. Do we see each other later during training? I'll get ready straight away. "

"Of course. Just be patient until I get there. I'm sure Mikasa will be happy to take care of you in the meantime. "

"Okay. See you later, Erwin. "

"See you later baby. When I come, please don't be scared. I look ... a little damaged. Levi was a little angry last Friday. "

"Uhm ... okay. Bye. "

After hanging up, my guilty conscience grew louder again. Erwin and Levi had actually fought each other. Because of me.

They were friends, best friends, roommates, and former comrades, and then a stupid, naive thing like me comes along and intervenes. I never wanted it to get this far. That the friendship of the two breaks because of someone like me and even ends in violence is really evidence of what a bad person I am, no matter what Erwin says.

I sat upright on the couch and put my feet on the floor as I buried my face in my hands.

"I'm really human trash," I muttered to myself as the flood of memories of last Friday washed over me again.

The guilt and shame ate me up like a parasite.

I felt sick again and in addition, there was a raging, throbbing headache adding to my ailments. To say that I felt like eaten and thrown up again would be fitting, but still not enough to describe my current condition.

I was freezing, probably from all the lack of sleep and food, I was trembling all over, I felt totally sick again and just wanted to throw up.

I still didn't feel hungry but I knew I had to eat something if I wanted to work out, even if I had planned to take it easy today. I just wanted and had to get out. Everything in here reminded me of Levi and everything we both had and what could have been.

The last days have cost me more strength and nerves than ever before and I had none of that left. And a little pity from Erwin might be the right thing now. But is it still wrong to hope to wait for Levi to get in touch at any moment?

I wanted it so much, still loved him so deeply with all I've got. I couldn't let go and forget him. I couldn't bring myself to delete his photos or his number. My situation is just shit, and the longer I stay here, the worse it gets.

So I got up with a heavy sigh to pack my things, but as soon as I stood up I became terribly dizzy and had to sit down again. Everything was spinning and my heart was racing like crazy.

"No, no! No panic attack, please! And please no circulatory breakdown! Not now!"

I waited a moment and my condition improved somewhat. I breathed out in relief and got up again, but more slowly this time. I was still dizzy, but on my way to the bedroom to pack my things it got better,

When I packed, I tried to ignore the room as much as possible. Everything in here reminded me of Levi so much that the sight of it made me excruciatingly painful.

I just grabbed everything I needed, stuffed it in my gym bag, and left the room without looking around.

The last hurdle I had to take was to eat something. I wasn't hungry, but my common sense advised me otherwise.

I searched every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen, but nothing caught my interest. How much I wish Levi was here to cook something for me, but he wasn't, and he would never come back.

Again, my heart and stomach contracted equally at the thought of Levi, and in a hint of despair and depression, I seized the first thing that was within reach: a cold quarter pizza from a few days ago.

I examined the pizza to see if it was still edible, and when I was sure it was, I warmed it up for a few minutes.

It took me almost 20 minutes to eat the quarter piece.

The smell and the sight made me nauseous and I had to torture myself to every single bite.

Once I was done I felt even worse than before, although I was absolutely sure that the pizza was not bad, it came as it should. In less than five minutes after swallowing the last bite, I ran to the bathroom to let it all out again.

Choking and coughing, I hung over the toilet bowl while vomiting my stomach contents out, together with my grief.

While my stomach was still cramping painfully, ironly trying to squeeze out every last bit of food, I slowly got up from the floor.

Panting, I rinsed my mouth out several times and checked myself in the mirror again.

I looked like a corpse. Hollow eyes, dark circles like those of Count Dracula, pale, dull skin like paper.

"Fuck it all. Brings nothing anyway. " I said to myself and straightened my tousled hair before I tied it up in a bun.

After getting dressed, I just grabbed my sports bag and headed for training. I knew that what I was doing here was not healthy, with an empty stomach and obviously too weak to go to training, but I had to get out of here!

I couldn't bear to stay alone all day in the apartment with which I had so many wonderful memories of Levi, only to wake up again in the cruel reality that was now my life.

Levi was gone forever because I lied to him and cheated on him. Erwin can turn it around as he wants, but in the end, it is and remains my fault.

The fact that Erwin had promised to stay with me and maybe even become my new boyfriend was not entirely impossible, but at the moment I saw that in the very distant future.

I can't forget Levi. I love him so much, I need him even more, and every day without him was like a wasted day, a day without content and meaning.

I wiped my tears as I got into the car and drove towards the gym where it all started.

A little later I arrived at my destination and after I parked my car, I shouldered my bag and made my way in, but I was suddenly startled.

"Nina! Wait for me!" Mikasa called to me cheerfully. Before I could react, I already had her slender but strong hand on my shoulder to turn me around, but every other word from her got stuck in her throat, instead, a loud, shocked gasp slipped away.

"Oh, shit .... what happened to you ?! You look awful. What happened?" Mikasa looked at me with worried eyes, eyes that looked at me intently and ears eagerly waiting for an explanation, but instead, I stared at the floor without a word, not knowing what to say.

"Are you sure it's smart to be here in your condition? Does Erwin know? What about Levi? "

I flinched when Mikasa mentioned Levi's name and took a deep breath trying to fight another flood of tears, but that only fueled Mikasa's curiosity.

"Yes ... Erwin knows. He comes a little later and he has asked me to stay with you for as long as you can so that you can keep an eye on me. "

"Huh. Alright, but why? What happened? Does Levi come later too? I haven't seen the midget in a while. "

Mikasa didn't know. How could she? They may be related, but why should they share their private lives? And yet ... I couldn't keep it a secret from her forever. Sooner or later she would find out, either way.

"No. Levi... Levi won't come. He will never come again. " I managed to say with difficulty and effort, my voice barely a whisper when I choked on the lump in my throat, which also hurt as if I had swallowed a thousand needles.

Mikasa looked at me with wide eyes as she tried to process what I just said. It seemed like she didn't quite know what I was going to say because her lips moved several times as if she wanted to ask, but no sound came out.

"No ... I can't believe that. Don't say that Levi and you ... Don't tell me that you broke up. Tell me it's not true. "

I couldn't anymore. With her words, I could no longer fight the still fresh wound and salty pearls of grief ran down my cheeks as I bit my lower lip to suppress my sobs. I just nodded my approval and looked away. I didn't want Mikasa to see me like that.

"I'm going to kill him ... I'm going to kill this midget! How could he ?! You are by far the best thing that has happened to him in years and he breaks up?! I can't believe it! I'm so sorry Nina. What happened? "

"Please ... please stop. I don't want to talk about it. I've felt so shitty since Friday. I still love him so much, I can't anymore. Please don't ask any further. " I sobbed while holding my hand over your mouth, muffling my sobs.

"Oh, my poor girl. I am so sorry." Mikasa's voice suddenly became warm and gentle again and I felt her approach to hug me, but I backed away.

"Please don't touch me. I don't want to collapse again. "

"I understand. Then ... are you here because you want to distract yourself? " Mikasa still asked with concern. I hastily wiped the tears off with my sleeve and took a deep breath.

"Yes. That's why. Will you help me?"

"What a question. Of course! But I think in your condition we'd rather take it slow today. You really don't look good. "

"I know. I was going to do that anyway. And thank you, Mikasa. "

"Nevermind. You are my friend and friends help each other. I like and I care about you, even if it doesn't seem so sometimes. "

I smiled weakly and nodded before we finally went in to change for training. I was glad and grateful that Mikasa dropped the topic for now, even though I felt that a thousand questions were burning on her tongue and she would like to drag Levi straight away to demand answers, but I also knew that I couldn't take it if she asked further, let alone if Levi really should show up here.

After changing, Mikasa and I went to the treadmills to warm up first, but today I chose the elliptical machine for me. Although a few machines and meters separated us, I felt Mikasa's scrutinizing and worried look on me all the time.

I couldn't stop thinking about Levi and what happened and of course who was to blame for it. In trance, I started to work on the machine, but after a few minutes, I felt the effect kicking in.

My headache from before came back; harder, worse, and more painful than before. I breathed heavily and quickly as if I had asthma and forgot my inhaler. The blood rushed in my ears and made me deaf to all other noises. My heart was beating so fast that I feared it would burst through my chest.

And then this terrible nausea. Damn, I felt so sick that I could hardly stand it.

With every minute that passed, I became dizzier. Everything turned and the world blurred before my eyes, became fuzzy and foggy.

After less than ten minutes I stopped the warm-up and got off the machine, but braced myself against it so as not to fall over. Just seconds later, Mikasa rushed to my aid.

"Nina! What wrong? You are dead pale. We should stop for today. You really don't look good. You're not doing yourself a favor if you keep going. Instead, let's both go into town and have a coffee and cake while we talk about God and the world. Wouldn't that be better? "

Mikasa placed her hand on my shoulder with care, patted it carefully, and rubbed my back. As tempting as her offer sounded, I didn't want to. I came here to distract myself and Erwin would come later. I couldn't and didn't want to go.

"No, thanks, Mikasa. Let's move on a little, please. I'm just out of practice that's all. Let's take it easy and I'll be fit again soon." I smiled to minimize her worries and downplayed my condition. I sincerely hoped that I would soon feel better once I got used to training again, but Mikasa only sighed.

"As you wish, but if you get even paler, I'll take you home, no arguments, no discussions. I have carried Eren over my shoulder against his will often enough because he couldn't hold back starting a fight. Don't think I wouldn't do the same to you just because you are a woman and my friend. "

Even if the idea to see Mikasa with Eren over her shoulder as she wagging him home was amusing, I knew her strength and didn't want to gamble, so I played along.

"Don't worry. It won't get that far. I think I've warmed up enough anyway. Let's go to the barbell area, right? "

Mikasa was about to say something, but by then I had already turned. I was tired of the discussions. All I wanted was a distraction.

I heard Mikasa grumbling behind me and cursing something, but I felt that she was following me and I exhaled in relief.

The door to the area in which I had trained so often with Erwin and Levi, where I first learned to love the workout, came very close, the double glass door only a few meters away, but suddenly everything changed.

My dizziness took over, the headache so bad that I thought my skull was bursting. Everything blurred in front of my eyes, everything turned and I only felt how I hit something very hard when I collapsed, so weak and completely disoriented that I couldn't do anything more.

I heard muffled sounds around me, felt vague how I was moved, strong hands that shook me, but that too soon disappeared into the endless fog of my mind.

First I saw outlines, then only shadows that moved quickly around me, and then, my world went black.