Hey guys! Theres a BIG change coming with this chapter! Well...dunno if its THAT big actually, but you'll see.

So...the change is, Im switching from the "You"-point of view, to the "I"-POV....because its easier and more comfortable in the end. I will rework the past chapters bit by bit in the future, but from this chap on, it will be I, who will think, talk and explain around ;)

I had SO much fun writing this chapter. More fun than I expected, and It really excited me like nothing before in a long time! I hope you like it too <3

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After the long and hard inner discussion with myself, I got into my car to drive back to Erwin's place again. I can't let it end like this, or whatever it feels like now. It feels like...as if something very important to me would end If I dont go back, and despite my newly regained composure and bravery, this was what Im terribly afraid of. Even if I'm full of fears and doubts, even if Im certain that Erwin doesn't want to see me again after what happened hours ago...I have to try to bring a clearing conversation down. To know where we stand and how this should go on. IF it will go on.

But whatever conclusion might come out, Levi has to know. He will notice that somethings wrong anyways. Like Erwin, he's able to read me like an open book, and if he keeps asking the same question over and over again, asking me to vent or to just spit it out already, sooner or later, I would break, and then the whole shit will come down. And all on me, that's for sure. As much as I fear to lose Erwin, one way or another, the bigger fear right now is about Levi to find out on his own and get the most wrong intentions ever.

We, and this means Erwin and me, have to sort things out, and then, we have to tell Levi. Together. Shit, Im so damn afraid of his reaction that I don't even want to think about how to come up with an explanation. I mean...how do you explain to your boyfriend, which you love with all you've got, that you also might have feelings for another guy? And that this "other" guy was his best friend? Damn it's all so twisted and turned, that I really had a hard time to believe that it's my life we're talking about. Months ago, I would've been happy and satisfied if there was a simple and solid relationship with a guy who won't feel annoyed by me. Turned out that my life became WAY more exciting and thrilling to me by dating Levi. Too much, for my taste, but its too late now. Plus: I would miss something by now if all this unexpected trouble would disappear for good.

Not to mention the coming conversation with Erwin, if he wants to talk to me. I really slapped him. He deserved it, there's no doubt, but I can't shush my ringing alarm bell that it was a mistake. No one should hit his friend, but what Erwin did was also part of the list of what friends shouldn't do to each other. So I guess, we're even. Anyways....I'll have to apologize. Another good reason to go back to him, but what will happen then?

What happened...I can't put it in words. My insides are still tightened into a thick bundle of flesh, I can't breathe properly and when I think back to it, I feel my face, hands, feet growing cold. So right now. Even with my winter cloak on, Im freezing. A bitter, crouching inner cold that spreads into the deepest muscles and nerves, and involuntarily, Im shaking. From the cold, and fear. I lived with this feeling long enough and I know when I'm afraid of something.

When I arrive at Erwin's place, will he continue where he stopped? I can't say, but I want to believe so hard that he is back to his former self. The caring, loving and comforting friend, with a silly joke on his lips, but there's one thing I can't deny, and this realization hurts like a knife in my heart: Erwin manhandled the deep trust you used to have in him.

It was a betrayal.

So...No matter how good my self-encouragement worked, no matter how bold and brave I felt after that, the anxiety, the fear, the horror about what's coming will never leave completely. It was, and will always be there. That's a fact I dealt with quite fast, I just didnt expect Erwin to be the one who will bring this to a whole new level. It was like being thrown into an endless deep pool of icy cold water with concrete shoes, hands tied together behind your back and any rest of air pressed out from your lungs, left without any hope of survival. Thats how I felt every time. And now, it happened again.

Regardless of this overwhelming feeling that threatens to devour me any moment, my will to come back had never been stronger. I want and need to make things clear, no matter the cost.

But there are other things on my mind. Thoughts bigger than the fear, bigger than any anxiety, even bigger than my urge to flee and hide at home, and that were the new emotions I was suddenly confronted with.

During my ride, I tossed and turned Erwins words around in my head, trying to give them a meaning or a logical explanation, but the longer I thought about them, the more I began to see Erwin in a different light.

The times I was smiling crazily when he was there, everytime my thoughts drifted away to think about him instead of Levi, all the flirting, the dirty jokes, holding hands, taking his arm and walking side by side, all the moments when I got lost into this pair of stunning sapphire-blue eyes of his...

All of this sent my stomach aflutter with thousands of butterflies and my heart went crazy by the thought of doing any of this again. Does this really mean Im in love with Erwin?
How? How can this be?!

I love Levi. More than anything else in this fucked up world, thats what I know. A relationship with two equal people who share their love and affection for each other. Thats how a normal relationship is, right? And thats all I ever wanted. For years. Now... theres another thing that shakes up my whole world, and I just don't want to believe it. There cant be three people. How should this work? Erwin and Levi are friends. Best friends, and now, Im stuck between them, figuratively.

None of what's going on right now makes sense to me, but no matter what will happen in the near future: I can't stop to think that I have to let go of Erwin as soon as Levi finds out what happened. Its either me, or Erwin, and the thing I was certain about was, that Levi wouldn't choose Erwin to stay with. They might be long-time friends, but I fear that Levi won't give this bond the same value as I do. Levi is a future-driven man, hard-working and responsible, taking everything very seriously with all he'd got. Nothing he does is half-hearted or incomplete. With Erwin, he has no future to look forward to, just a common past from which both grew stronger by supporting the other one. This means, Levi will choose me, for we can have a future together, and thats what Im afraid of. To leave Erwin behind for the sake of my boyfriend.

Damn, I sound like a cheating bitch who can't decide which one of her love-boys is the better choice. I never wanted to become like this. My emotions drive me completely insane, and the worst of all: I have no logical or rational explanation.

All of this just came over me on the rather short way back to Erwins place.

When I arrived, I parked my car at the same spot as before. I could still see my footprints in the mud on the sidewalk when I fled from here. Scary. The dimly lidded street, framed by bald oaks, looked spooky with all those reflections on the wet street of cobblestone. A perfect night for crazy emotions and feelings like horror and anxiety. If there wasn't the light of the lanterns, the street would be in complete darkness, despite the few little lights from the nearby houses. It was after midnight, but when I looked up to the last floor, the penthouse, the reason for my current misery, I saw no light as well, but that doesn't mean anything. It was pitch-dark when I fled, no wonder that Erwin saw no reason to change that now that I'm gone. I have no idea what's waiting for me up there. Unfortunately, there's just one way to find out.

I locked my car and made my way to the building, entering it by switching the key inside the lock. The time I needed to go upstairs to the last floor seemed longer than ever before. Like wandering the void for all eternity.

Only when there were no more steps left, I knew I reached my destination.

The white door before me suddenly seems like a thick wall of ice to me, unbreakable, unconquerable, keeping me at distance by its sheer presence.

I've never been so afraid of opening a door, but I want to take this step. There's no way I'm turning around again. And if Erwin should be sleeping already, I still can lock myself up in Levis bedroom and wait for the next morning, right?

I take a deep breath through my nose before I exhale it harshly through my mouth again, placing the key against the lock to let it slip inside on its own without effort. Turning it around, the door slowly swings open, revealing the black inside that I'd left behind.

I paid attention to walk in on tiptoes. There was no sound hearable in here as I closed the door and put the keys into the white bowl on the small shelf mounted on the wall just a little away. As I stripped from my cloak, I saw something weird and I turned my eyes into the direction where I thought I'd seen the strange thing. And there he was. Like the Slenderman watching out for little children at night, Erwin was standing in the middle of the room, barely moving, but I could see him shaking his head over and over again. I couldnt see his eyes in this pitch-black emptiness before me. There was only a little amount of light that shines through the big wall of windows and glass that lined up behind him and the other furniture. It almost looked as if he was without legs as he keeps standing before the couch. Scary.

I inhaled deeply once again to remain myself to stay calm, no matter what, but it became harder and harder with each passing second. My heart remembers me with every beat of what he did to me when I felt it hammering inside my ribcage when I slowly walked up to him, rubbing my arm in discomfort and looking aside in a mix of embarrassment, shame, and angst.

I left a generous space between us when I came to a halt, raising my head to meet Erwin's eyes. As our gaze met in this devouring darkness, I barely saw the soothing and gorgeous color of Erwin's irises that I usually love to look at so much.

"Nina...what are you doing here? I thought I would never see you again. I believed you were gone for good. Please forgive me, I- " I interrupted Erwin's stammering as I raised my hand weakly. I guess there were no words right now that could calm me down so fast.

A weak shimmer, as if his eyes were covered by a thin veil, lays upon them and I noticed the smell of alcohol coming from his breath. Did he really drank?! Did he feel so bad after I left that he tried to drown himself in cheap booze?

If we're going to sort this out now, I will have to make sure he's sober enough, that he's able to get what I want to tell him. And maybe to listen to what he wants to tell me...

"Sorry for coming here this late, Erwin, but do you have a minute? I want to talk to you." My voice was barely a whisper, lost in the echo of this big, spacious apartment. Erwin's tensed posture relaxed a bit and he stepped aside, offering the way to the couch.

"Anything you want. Don't be sorry. Let's sit down and then we can talk." Even though he seems the be a bit drunk, Erwin's reply was clear and understandable, no stuttering, and there wasn't a drunken accent hearable.

At least Erwin is supportive and comforting. The situation is awkward and weird enough without him talking or stuttering.

I sit down first in the middle of the L shaped furniture, with my ass on the edge, hands folded together and eyes to the ground, ready to jump up any time if a situation should build up with which I don't agree. Erwin, as usual, took his place in his corner, mirroring my posture as we both said nothing for minutes. I could hear him breathing deeply, in and out, over and over again, sometimes hitching, as if he wanted to speak up but changed his mind again. Maybe it was just like that, but I had a hard time to find the right words to start.

When we sat there for around 10 minutes without a single word, I felt the couch moving. As I peeked in Erwin's direction from the corner of my eyes, I saw him scooting over to me. Slowly, inch by inch, like a shy boy who tries to put his arm around his crush on a park bench before fake-yawning.

First, I didn't move. I just waited what's going to happen without letting him out of my sight, and as he sat right beside me, he placed his large, warm hand on my knee.

I stood up and walked around the coffee table, towards the large wall of windows in front of the couch, crossing my arms and legs alike. I wasn't ready to get touched by him again. Not yet.

"Huh. I deserved that." He hummed lowly, running the same hand through his messy hair as he let out a loud sigh.

Again, moments of silence passed by, no one wanting to be the one to talk first. Erwin wasn't going to get to me by his sad and pitiful sight, not today, and when I thought nothing is coming from him when I scratched together enough courage and guts to finally speak up-

"Okay, so I just spit it out. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I have no idea what came over me or how to make it up. Right now I'm just hoping that you don't hate me and that you don't want to reject me for what I did to you." I huffed air through my nose and shook my head slightly before looking to the ground again.

"Is that all? Is that your pathetic excuse of an apology? For someone who seems to read people like an open book and to be so damn empathetic, you don't put up much effort in here, don't you?" I asserted, shooting him a glare from my low-headed position.

"Well, I never really spent my time with apologizing. I used to be a commander and I'm a personal trainer who gives out instructions and I'm used to people following my orders. I'm not used to say sorry, not even to Levi. We just yell at each other, and it mostly ends with us both drinking a cold beer in front of the TV. I'm out of practice." Erwin retorted, but not in a sassy way, what was kinda surprising. I expected him to fight back, to start another discussion after the first one we had hours ago, but nothing. All I could see is a broken man, who admits defeat in a whole new situation for him.

Okay, I give him that. He really looks defeated and pitiful. So much, that I feel tempted to hug him and stroke over his hair while saying "There, there..." over and over again, but I mustn't give in now. I can't allow my maternal instinct to take over. There are so many things I don't understand, and now that we're finally going into "The Talk"...I'll better make sure to ask all questions I have in mind and make sure to lure everything out from him I want to know.

"Why? Why did you lie to me?" I finally raised my head to look at him, and the little light from the moon that came from behind me, illuminated Erwin's face enough to see his expressions. I want to see it when he answers to me.

Strange enough that I saw confusion written all over his face when he looked back at me. His head slightly tilted to the side, his charismatic eyebrows furrowing as he was thinking hard about what I'd just asked. It seems he has no idea what I was referring to...

"Why did you lie to me about your....your date today? You could've told me, you know? Maybe then things would've turned out differently." Again, he lowered his gaze in shame, scratching his nape in unison to his broody attitude.

"To be honest: I dont know. When I called that woman out for a date a few days ago, I had planned to finally start to back off with my emotions from you. To finally start something on my own, without being rejected, but loved. Yet, I couldnt help but feel ashamed the moment I hung up. It was...I felt as if I was betraying you, No! As if I was cheating on you. I felt like a total hypocrite, not worthy of your feelings and friendship. I guess that's why I didn't tell you."

To hear his reasoning hurt. It makes me feel as if I did horrible things to him as well, and when I think about it: It's true. I knew about his feelings for me for so long, yet, I never wasted a single moment to stop him, or to turn him down. I let him have his way with me as friends, totally ignoring his feelings, pretending they weren't there just to protect myself from getting lost into him while I was, and still am, with Levi. Now, I can't shut up my beating heart and my yearning for Erwin since the incident for why we're here now. If anyone here is the hypocrite, then it's me.

"But when I saw you when I came home with her, and when I witnessed the way you acted, I couldn't hold back. All my stored anger, annoyance and frustration just burst out of me, took control over my actions, and I regret that you're the one who had to suffer from it. And when I heard that you might have feelings for me, I just...lost it. Or isn't it so? Tell me that you don't feel anything for me, and I'll stop with everything, right here, right now."

The last words felt like a kick in my guts, together with an icy cold shower from above as I froze in all actions instantly.

I felt my eyes widening as I stared to the ground...in silence. I was completely at loss of words, and after a while, I had to exhale loud and harshly, not noticing that I'd hold my breath the whole time.

"So?" Erwin hooked after, and I thought I've heard a hint of expectation in his tone. What should I say? Im not even sure by myself!

"I.....I.....Erwin....please...dont do this to me. You're just hurting me more." I whimpered silently, the painful sting in my eyes becoming more present by the second as I dug my fingernails deep into the fabric of my sweater, desperately looking for something to hold on to.

"Nina...sweetie. I dont want to hurt you. I just want you to be honest with me. Is there a possibility that you maybe might be in love with me? Even just a little bit? Because I do lo-"

"Don't say it, Erwin! Please...Please don't..." I begged him to stop, my body language screamed that I wanted to shut myself away from this place, this situation, more than ever before. Arms wrapped around my body, head turned away, hot steamy droplets of saltiness running down my cheeks as I bit my lips to keep my pathetic sobs and whimpers at bay. I don't want to hear the words from him. I don't....I cant...

It hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad.

It feels just like back then. When Levi pretended to break up. The glowing hot knife in my heart, as if an invisible intruder is turning it inside also, the feeling as if my lungs will collapse any moment. The deep and drowning, the smothering and suffocating desperation that presses me to the ground harder than the gravity inside a looping.

Once again, my original plan failed. As if ever one of my plans worked.

I don't want to break down again, not now, not in front of him, not after the self-encouragement I went through, but it was already too late. I hate being so emotional, I hate being so damn easy to trigger. I really am the queen of hypocrites.

I was so deeply buried in my wild thoughts, that I haven't noticed when Erwin stood up. I just noticed when he was suddenly standing right before me, looking down at me with so much adoration in his eyes, it hurts.

"I love you..."