Before you could even finish your shocked gasp about your own words, Erwin had you suddenly pinned against the wall, his face just inches away, hot breath tickling the sensitive skin of your lips as he kept your arms apart, holding them above your head by your wrists with the mans massive and broad crotch stuck between your legs. You struggle, shift, wiggle, even kicking with your legs, but all excuses or reasoning, any action or little word to make him overthink his actions were useless. You're cornered.

You're scared. More than ever before, because its Erwin who's doing this to you! How can he? A friend would never do this to you!

"Now I understand why you were so salty when I came back with that bitch...Honey...you're jealous." As Erwin purrs these words into your ear, it hits you like a brick from above. All the time...during all these months, the two mistakes when you kissed, the growing bond that you had claimed would be just a deep friendship: as the word was spoken, your whole world broke apart into pieces. It all made sense now, yet, you dont want to believe it.

"Thats not true! Put me down!" You wiggle and struggle even harder against him, yanking on his strong hands to at least free your wrists, but in return, Erwins grip tightens even more as he additionally presses his groins against your lower region.

"Theres no use to deny it any longer, now that I know that you have feelings for me, its as if the fog has lifted. I can read you crystal clear now. You want this, dont you?" Erwins acting and voice had changed completely, from yelling and raging to seductive and dominant. You dont recognize him. Who is this man you'd called your friend for so long?!

"No...I dont...." your voice began to break, to crack and to weaken, the more seconds pass my, and the hot sting of tears inside your eyes was undeniable.

"Then why do you react like this?" As soon as Erwin asked the question, he had already sunk into the cavity of your neck, blowing his hot breath against your skin before he scattered little kisses at every spot he could reach. But he aimed exactly for one special spot, the one he discovered as he tickled and teased you on the last night before Levi left. With this special spot deeply etched into his memory, he knew exactly what to do as he placed his whole, opened mouth above it, teeth sinking into pale skin as he sucked on the soft flesh.

"Haaahhhhh! Erwin~....please..." You hate your body for this. For bucking up at the pleasant feeling this action caused, for shivering like a leaf, for angling your legs to press Erwin even closer to you. You hate it! And it hurt. Deep inside your chest, where your wild hammering heart tells you to run! Your heart, your chest, it hurt so damn much.

"There we go. Thats the spirit. I waited decades to hear you moan my name like that. I know you want this. I knew it all the time. You did well in hiding your true emotions from me. Let me hear more." Erwins deep, sonorous voice echoes inside your ears like a big Taiko drum and each tone sends chills down your spine. You hate it!

Shaking like a leaf, unable to move or to flee, the last signal that was missing from your body was crying. To be delivered to Erwin like this, helpless, without anyone else around to help.

And when Erwin suddenly moved his otherwise endearing mouth to your ear and started licking the shell, his semi-hard dick pushed against the quivering and throbbing crotch of yours,

It was...

It was just too much.

And not in a good way. Not in a sexual way. Because you realized that you failed. That you had been doomed to fail from the very beginning. That it had been futile. For you weren't able to concentrate on your anger anymore, the sadness you felt being much, much bigger, overwhelming, devastating, taking up the majority of your emotional capacity. You were furious and pissed off like hell, sure, but the most prominent feelings were those of humiliation, disappointment and raw pain. Because there indeed was a connection with Erwin like you've had never felt with anyone before. And being betrayed like this... It robbed you of everything, of every little spark of happiness you once felt. You could be yourself with Erwin, no lies, no hiding, no disguise, never having had such flirty and easy-going conversations with any other other male being, and now Erwin is risking all this just because he cant stand you together with Levi.

Your heart was broken. YOU are broken, and the moment you realized this, all of today's resolves were flushed down the toilet, right into the river to drown. That's the moment you tensed up, in which your body clenched painfully beneath Erwins touch and fingernails digging deep into the mans hands that kept yours securely pinned against the wall. Nothing felt good even more, not even the kisses and licks on your favorite spot or the friction Erwins hardening manhood was causing to your attention-leaking pussy.

There was only pain, physical as well as emotional. And even though you wanted to fight it, you cant. With all energy drained from your body, your will gone, and everything inside of you just...It burst.

And what left your mouth, uncontrolled, was a sob, shoulders shaking, your heart hurting as does your throat, as if you'd swallowed sharp shards and iron nails, and the tears that you couldn't hold back anymore began to flow down your cheeks, feeling burning hot on your skin. And Erwin... Erwin froze in the middle of his doing; which made everything so much worse, because it meant he had finally heard you. You cant keep it in anylonger, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up, humiliation taking over your body as you bite your tongue, hands forming fists with nails sinking deeper into Erwins skin that he began to hiss. Certain that Erwin wont stop, you fell back into your old, abandoned and pathetic routine: surrender and endure, so you tried hard to cut down on what's happening to your body, to put an end to this sudden, emotional outbreak.

But you were wrong.

"...Nina?" Erwin whispered right into your ear, sounding...so soft and gentle, sounding worried and concerned; and it shot right into your heart, because this is the way you desire Erwin to speak with you, but knowing it was just an illusion, that Erwin seems to just pretend that he's worried, made everything hurt so much more, and whatever solution or weak excuse you thought you'd had to war with yourself, was crushed and stomped into the mud and another pitiful sob crept up your hurting throat. You couldn't stop them from spilling out your mouth, body trembling, another gush of tears running out of your eyes, down your cheeks to drop from your chin onto your pajama.

"...fuck..." Erwin breathed, tone serious and kind of shocked, letting go of your wrists to back up immediately, the sudden movement causing you to whimper in pain while you collapsed on the ground where you curl up like a hurt animal as more tears roll down your cheeks, heart pounding ferociously in your chest, panic spreading into all of your veins, making you shiver, as Erwin hissed at himself with tons of curses, repeating them over and over again as he walked in circles around the living room, pulling his own hair in desperation until he finally gathered enough courage to turn back to you.

"Nina....Im....Im so sorry. Talk to me, please." And there was the Erwin you know and adore, or more....you believed you adore. You cant say anymore which face of him might be his true one, and which one was fake.

Uncontrolled sobs and whimpers filled the now so awfully silent penthouse, all coming from that pathetic pile of human you've become. Through the veil of your tears clouded eyes, you see Erwin kneeling down before you, holding out his hand for you to grab, but you cant. You dont want to take his hand now! This filthy, rough hand that had pinned you against the wall just moments before.

When you didnt react the way he'd expected, the blonde reached out to touch your shoulder, but as soon as the tips of his digits brushed over the fluffy fabric of your pajama: SLAP!

In a state of pure and raw self-protection, your hand left a visible red mark on his cheek, causing the tall man to flinch and gasp in shock, definitely not expecting this.

Startled over your own reaction, and the only thing that your mind was screaming in the intensity of a fire alarm, you jumped up from the ground so swiftly, that Erwin had no time to react. Grabbing your keyring from the bowl in the corridor, you hurried out of the penthouse as the door slammed shut for the second time this evening, the loud bang echoing through the whole staircase as you ran downstairs driven by your survival-instinct, without a jacket, socks or shoes; just with your starry pajama, and leaving Erwin behind without a word.

You just want to run away from here! Away from this building, away from the memories, away from Erwin, not giving a damn shit about what you were wearing or what not.

In less then a minute, you reached the exit, storming out as if the devil himself was after you when you pushed the door open to run to your car a few meters away. As you try to unlock the drivers door with shivering hands, almost dropping the key into the drain, you throw a gaze over your shoulder, afraid mentioned devil might storm out of the entrance to yank you back inside by your hair, as you notice a black silhouette on the balcony on the high top of the impressive and modern building. Even in this darkness, even with so much empty space between, you felt Erwin's piercing gaze all over you as he was standing up there. You had no idea what he might be thinking of right now, and you dont want to know! You just want to get out of here when you finally managed to unlock that fucking door. Once it was shut with you sitting inside, everything else happened as if you're possessed by a foreign power: switching the key, turning on the lights, pushing the accelerator and pulling the steering wheel around to drive off to the only place you were absolutely sure was your last safe sanctuary.

As your mind was still racing from thousands of thoughts, fear, panic, pain, grief, sadness, all at once, the road back home became really dangerous. Unable to focus on the street or the traffic, you skipped 2 red traffic lights, risking almost too accidents with a bicycle and a transporter to happen, what shook up your already unstable sanity even more.

And all the time, there was one question invading your mind: Why?

Why did Erwin lie to you in before hand? Why did he bring home that shitty bitch? Why were you so furious about it? And why on earth did everything end up so fucking twisted? Why?...WhyWhyWhy?!?!

When you finally arrived home, you didnt bother to park your car behind the building, where your own comfy parking lot was waiting. No....you took the next best free place on the sidewalk, locked the car, and then you ran towards the building, hastily entering and racing up the staircase to the last floor, always taking two steps at once.

Only when the door to your own home, the last safe place on earth, fell into the frame, locking it twice, the overwhelming truth of your questions hit you like a hammerblow, and all that had happened in the penthouse came back to your mind like a tidal wave crushing over the shore. And you broke.

"NO! This is impossible! It .....it cant be.....no...." You murmur to yourself as you shook your head frantically over and over again, when once more your emotions won the war over your mind, sending you into a state between sane and mad. With pain and misery, you managed to crouch into your bedroom, where you bury your face deep into your pillow as uncontrolled sobs and cries creeped their way out of your sore throat. Inside your head, you screamed every possible word of denial, that its not fair, not logical, unfair, impossible and absolutely out of question that you're in love with Erwin. Even though, feeling all nauseous and sick on the inside, heart racing and stomach somersaulting, threatening to kick out the last meal you ate, you surprisingly calmed down quite fast. There's no other place on earth where you feel more at ease then here. Never underestimate the therapeutic effect of the very own bed and home, with no one else around to disturb the peaceful silence and solitude, where your heart and mind can let go of everything. And when your crying settled a bit, occasional hiccups interrupting your heavy breathing in hope to fill your worn-out lungs with some air, you finally had the chance to overthink everything.

After sitting up on the bed with crossed legs, you force yourself to calm the fuck down, taking deep breaths with closed eyes.

"Alright girl...Dont freak out. You can do this. Calm. Down. You have to think. You need a clear head. You finally have to grow some balls and work on yourself! Go past your shitty anxiety to get your damn life in line!" Repeating this mantra-like phrases over and over again for about 5 minutes, you had finally the peace and quiet you needed. Its not helpful if you lose your head now. You allowed your anxiety and panic-attacks to rule over your life long enough. Even if you feel sick, even if your heart is still racing like hell, your will to overcome this, to be finally your own boss over your emotions, has never been stronger before.

You're okay, you're unharmed and Erwin didnt stop you when you ran away, which means he knows that he fucked up and that you probably need some space now. Now with more clarity inside your head, you think back to what happened, and what your memory told you simply swept you from your feet. The overwhelming truth of Erwins words was somehow narcotic, and you had no idea how to react to this. Erwins unforeseen and very sudden and surprising actions caught you off-guard, without a chance of preparation, and that simply killed you that moment. If there would've been a hint of whats coming, you surely had known better than to act like the coward you dont want to be anymore. You were so sure that your panic attacks were gone, that you're cured. Levi did everything he could to make this work, and he did. With Levis almost endless patience and endurance, he made it to sneak his way into your heart. Maybe, just maybe, when things would've gone differently, could Erwin be your boyfriend now?

Sure, you knew that Erwin was in love with you, all the time, you shared two kisses, but you never gave him signs that this is going to become more, right?

"Argh come in girl! Think more! There must be a solution inside this head! Focus, girl! Focus!" Scolding yourself to put more effort into this, wasnt that much of a help, but at least the little breakout helped to concentrate on other, on new thoughts you haven't considered yet.

As Erwin spoke out the words you never expected to hear...it was like a switch being flipped inside your head.

Were you really jealous?

You recalled the moment when Erwin appeared in the penthouse with that bitch over and over again, remembering each spoken word and gesture, and every time you pushed the reverse-button inside your head to repeat it once more, it was always the same: a burning feeling inside your chest, heavy, faster growing breathing, you even felt your face heating up as well. And at some point, when you recalled this happening for about the fifth or sixth time, you caught yourself in grinding your teeth in anger and unease. Your fuming anger about this never weakened or wavered. In fact: it grew even bigger. Why were you so angry at all? Was is because Erwin lied to you about his date?

.

...

......

No, this wasnt the reason why. In your own opinion, its okay to lie to friends if its for their sake, and of course if the lie isnt that bad or will cause any greater damage.

So it can only be about the woman he'd brought home. You know her....not personally, but from seeing. She was at the gym since the very beginning when you started all this shit. She was always there, and one of the firsts who laughed about your pitiful tries to make it through the first rounds on the treatmill. And she was always seen with another guy every second day. Or something like that. It happened more than once when you caught her staring either at Levi or Erwin, this, that was it what made your blood boil. A chick like her, who dresses up like Barbie herself, shooting YOUR men flirty and seductive gazes. It made you switch into a complete different person. Never would you've thought that you are the jealous type, or the possessive type when it comes to things you dont want to share. Petra was the first time this happened, but that time, it was with Levi. Now, the same thing has happened with Erwin, and you acted like a total bitch again, even if you are anything but his official girlfriend.

"Man girl...get your shit together, goddammit. Self-pity wont help here either. Logic. You need a solution. Think logically. Facts, plot, details, come on you angsty pipsqueak." Again the self-scolding, but now, it helped you to focus on whats important the most. You cant lose yourself in self-pity and allow your old attitude to invade your being and mind again. Theres so much to lose right now! Your relationship with Levi, the....."Thing" with Erwin is at risk! You HAVE to stay calm and collected! So you shuffle down from your bed, out of your comfort zone, to first take a little breather by walking into the kitchen, preparing a cup of tea. You used the time the tea needed to set to clear your head from unnecessary thoughts, and to calm down a little more. Overreacting and over-thinking was the worst that could happen now.

With your steaming hot mug of strong black tea, and instead of hiding inside your bedroom, you decide for your couch, the centre of every home in all countries: the living room.

The first sip of the sweetened tea with that little amount of milk, helped a lot to concentrate on other things for a brief moment as you let out a long and loud huff between pouted lips.

"Alright. Now think, silly girl. Enough with the pity, excuses and beating around the bush. Face the facts to bring them down" You never thought that talking encouragingly to yourself was that soothing and helpful to focus on the important things. You should do this more often...Advice from an expert, so to say.

That you cant stand that mentioned women beside Erwin is clear now, but the reason why you acted the way you did was another thing. Would it be the same with other women as well? Its hard to imagine, actually. Since you met him, there never were other women around him, at least not when he was with you, and your friends from your squad were no fit for him. They either have already someone special by their side, or they're no interested in Erwin like this. So its difficult to imagine Erwin with someone else but you.

But what is Erwin to you? A friend, sure, but what else? You grew fond of each other very fast. Actually, the connection was there from the very beginning, even before Levi and you started to date. Erwin....was always there. It wasnt the first time he'd fucked up something, but thanks to your forgiving nature, and Erwins capability to notice when he's wrong and to skip past his manly ego and pride to say sorry, the argument settled quite fast and easy again.

He was forgiving as well, and patient, very supportive and kind, even a huge, cute dork from time to time. First, it was like having a big brother or something, and it became natural to have Erwin around you with all he has to offer. You opened up to him like to no one ever before. With him, you felt like you can be yourself, truly, honestly, without hiding anything, and that was what you liked the most.

All these months with Erwin, and you fell for Levi first. Hard. Not that its a bad thing! Levi has his own benefits! Even though Levi has a repelled attitude, towards his friends, and especially towards you, he will turn to his softer side. Levi was always there to protect you from harm, and he was the first man ever who stood up for you against bullies. And the more you learned about him, the more time you spend with him, he had already stolen your heart before you knew it. This man, who climbed up your walls with so much patience and understanding, was the first one whom you allowed to stay. Levi had changed you, and you changed him. You would never let go of Levi, you're more than sure about that, but is it even possible to love two humans, two men, at the same time? Equally? Unconditionally?