Title: Tales Beneath a White Moon

Author: @EllenFairyBlue4

Genre: Werewolf

Sub-genre: Fantasy

Cover: The new cover is pretty, but doesn't tell me much about the story. I rather liked the old cover better. Because I knew it was about a werewolf, it was easier to spot.

Blurb: The blurb is decent, but there are spelling and grammar errors in it. It is a good length, and tells exactly what is coming and what to look forward to. All werewolf readers will know what to expect.

Summary: Elizabeth has many responsibilities and plays many roles in her pack. She is an alpha-werewolf in training, with a forbidden lover/mate, and several others vying for her attention. A hidden hybrid brother she nearly single-handedly cares for through his coming of age, causes extreme problems for her as he discovers his own identity.

Did it draw me in? What did I think of the plot?

The first chapter could really pass as a prologue, as it gives some back story, some front loading, and is powerfully written and has a really unique hook. As the story progresses I find plenty of movement to keep me turning the pages, and yet, it is interspersed with long drags of back story download in strange places. As a reader, working through the chapters, I find I am a little bemused. This is my first werewolf experience, and although I've seen movies, as have we all, I needed to look up traditional werewolf lore, couple that with vampire lore, and the title suggests I should be looking for evidence of the Grim Reaper. I would like to have had these ideas clearly set forth near the beginning of the story. Most werewolf and vampire stories draw heavily from Bram Stoker's, Dracula, Stephenie Meyer's, Twilight Series, and Anne Rice's character, Lestat, who is a marvel of creativity. Anne Rice also has a werewolf series. Culture and lore in this type of a story should be set out early on, so that the reader knows which sets of traditions to follow, or at least is familiar with them. For instance: Stephenie Meyer follows Bram Stoker's idea that Vampires do not have blood. Other writers allow their vampire character's to bleed. Werewolves in general have the full moon to occupy their transitions and govern much of their lives. I found that thought to be virtually absent, and took my cue about it then, from The Vampire Diaries, not that I had any reason to do that, but it wasn't laid out for me.

The plot follows Elizabeth as she discovers her sexuality, her sense of honor and obedience, and her loyalty to the alpha male who has raised her. I get the feeling that she and others do not necessarily respect him, but rather feel he is growing old, and perhaps unable to lead. Kane, being at one point ready to defy the alpha and mate with his granddaughter, then finds himself having to choose between that woman, and his leader, and he chooses the leader.

The overall plot seems intact, with a decent flow. But there are many, many holes and implausible things that get neglected or overlooked . Such as, a very young girl, Elizabeth at age six or thereabouts, singlehandedly cares for her infant brother secretly in a cabin in the local woods. Although this phenomenon is loosely explained late in the story, the idea of it is completely unbelievable. The baby could not have survived with only a six-year-old to care for him, and then only occasionally as she struggles to keep him a secret from her grandfather, she would necessarily have had to be in her grandfather's sight at least parts of her day, and the text tells us that she began a rigorous training schedule the very day that her mother is rejected by her pack. This brings into question who could possibly be caring for a helpless infant? The fact that this same child is then left to himself for the majority of his childhood, with only a scant few contacts, is highly implausible. Suggestion: someone else, maybe even Momo herself should be let in on the secret much earlier in the story--- perhaps she could have spent many years out of sight taking care of her mentally disturbed brother in another town, even taking Kane with her to actually take care of the baby. Is it possible another nanny could have been incorporated to accomplish this task? I don't know. But looking for these discrepancies, one has to ask, if even the suspended beliefs of culture and tradition can cover this fact.

Fantasy writing in and of itself it supposed to be bizarre. The reader is supposed to suspend belief in the known. But then it is up to the author to plant a believable alternative to reality. One cannot be left to grasp at straws wondering the how and why of things. Even in werewolf and vampire fantasy, there must be ground rules that everyone, author and reader alike adhere to. It is up to the author to set these rules. What the author doesn't want is for the reader to be questioning and therefore utilizing their own scant knowledge and applying it. Again, set the stage earlier in the story. I doubt it will give away any of the plot too soon.

The romance in this story is typical of boy meets girl, falls in love, loves briefly and then something tears them apart and they have to find each other and prove their love again. This story delivers this format extremely well, even as the two main love interests have relations with others, it doesn't completely detract.

Characters:

The main characters in this story have genuine believable goals and purpose. Elizabeth, although immature and inconsistent, reminds us of a cliché teenager discovering her own voice, her own sexuality, and her own values. She is fairly clear, although there are times when she confuses us, by giving in to baser desires after recently moralizing about the dangers of doing so. And Elizabeth's pointed diatribes, her feelings, and concerns are relatable. What is a little harder to grasp is her grandfather's confidence in sending her to accomplish tasks she is inexperienced and unsuited to do, ie: killing a local vampire leader, and then becoming an ambassador to foreign countries. Both of these scenarios could be solved simply by having her accompany her grandfather in early scenes to set the stage and give us an idea what her role as alpha will be.

Kane, is for me, the most likeable and believable character here. His past dictates who he is—I think his back story should be made much clearer, much sooner, but for the most part, Kane never loses sight of who he is. His actions are consistent, and his voice is loud and clear.

There are a lot of secondary characters. Simeon, the alpha; Momo, Kane's adopted mother, Sebastian, Elizabeth's younger hybrid brother, and Chrispin, a deadly and traitorous vampire leader. All of them play their roles admirably, but each could be explained and clarified earlier in the story. Included in later chapters are bits of sudden back story that could be incorporated before being dumped on the reader when thoughts have already been established. These moments come as a detraction, and unfortunately, they could be missed and overlooked as the reader is ready and anticipating some action, and resolution.

Beyond these characters are a host of others who are announced and then forgotten. Occasionally what they look like and how they are related is forthcoming, but the roles they end up playing are largely obsolete. They do serve to help with some dialogue and character development, but usually haven't been set up soon enough. Hearing that Elizabeth has close girlfriends after a three-year time skip is bewildering to most readers, who wanted to know that her life was rich and full before the time skip. Her relationship with Brandon has definition, and purpose, but for me, actually lacks the desire it is clear she is supposed to be feeling.

How does it feel?

Typical to the genre is a heightened sense of horror and violence that the reader is anticipating as they read. This story does deliver these elements, and gives us a glimpse into the reasons for it. Sebastian and Chrispin are both well-written examples of this element. They give us an uneasy feeling, they keep us on the edge of our seats, and they are dark and foreboding, angry, confused and tortured. The book as a whole is unique in that it doesn't give off a constant feel of threat, but we experience enough to satisfy our hunger for it.

Pacing:

As remarked upon earlier, the pacing and flow are good, but occasionally we wax into rambling overly detailed back story that detracts from the anticipation. This can be seen in the long description of food as Elizabeth makes her brother a Pikachu breakfast one day. A lot of attention takes our minds off the murders we've witnessed and lessens our suspense and awareness for what might be coming. If I may take the liberty of saying: if one was to gather up all the back story and insert it into the first 10,000 words, following industry standard for character development, the last half of the novel might go smoother, and have more of an impact as the action and intensity heats up to the finale.

Spelling and Grammar:

The word choices in this piece need constant attention. For instance, 'grumble' should be 'grumpy', a 'smuggled face'? The reader has no frame of reference for this. This slows down the pace as the reader is forced to analyze what exactly might be meant. A proofreader would be able to catch and correct incorrect tenses which change from sentence to sentence on a regular basis making the work nearly indecipherable in some places. Sentence structure is difficult and there are spelling errors. I caught some and corrected in the margins, but a good read out loud by the author, asking him or herself all the time if this sounds easy and correct would go a long way toward fixing it. There are good articles on the internet about all of these subjects, but none so good as the one's you may want to check out about dialogue, vs. dialect. The narrator voice in this piece often relaxes into a very postmodern hip-hop dialect that is a little harder to follow. It is one thing for the characters to be speaking in this dialect, but the narrator voice should be consistent.

Suggestions:

Again, if it was me, I'd like to see all the back story gathered up and placed sooner in the text, making it so the reader can enjoy the action and the conflict with a better understanding of context. Go through the manuscript with a fine-toothed comb for grammatical errors, or get an editor, there are many editing services here on wattpad, myself included, but they do cost something in reads and comments.

Highlights:

The genuine love story between Kane and Elizabeth is touching and well fleshed out to me. His loyalty to her is outstanding, leaving one with a real cheering section as they struggle to find their love. The interest level is kept high by the strange and endearing growth Sebastian experiences all the way through.

Audience:

A wide range of teens and young adult, werewolf and vampire, even general fantasy readers will enjoy this story!

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to review your story.

PS. In the words of a famous horror/ werewolf/ vampire writer:

"On writing, my advice is the same to all. If you want to be a writer, write. Write and write and write. If you stop, start again. Save everything that you write. If you feel blocked, write through it until you feel your creative juices flowing again. Write. Writing is what makes a writer, nothing more and nothing less. --- Ignore critics. Critics are a dime a dozen. Anybody can be a critic. Writers are priceless. ---- Go where the pleasure is in your writing. Go where the pain is. Write the book you would like to read. Write the book you have been trying to find but have not found. But write. And remember, there are no rules for our profession. Ignore rules. Ignore what I say here if it doesn't help you. Do it your own way.

--- Every writer knows fear and discouragement. Just write. --- The world is crying for new writing. It is crying for fresh and original voices and new characters and new stories. If you won't write the classics of tomorrow, well, we will not have any. Good luck."

Anne Rice (Vampire Chronicles)