At the time of review this work is still in the character development phase and it will be very hard for me to comment upon plot and pacing etc.

Title: Delusion (incomplete)

Author:xX_Nameless_Xx

Genre: Historical Fiction

Suggested Genre: Fantasy / Teen Fiction

Cover: The font is cool, the spacing is very cool. The picture does not reveal anything about the story, in fact, I am concerned because the blurb and the genre give us the impression this is historical fiction, even possibly medieval (ie: opulent silk gowns, use of the word kingdom). The cover pic looks like a modern young woman on a sunset flooded rock. Perhaps the story will be getting around to it. 

Blurb: Well-written, with a nice hook at the end to draw readers in. The blurb is only about Anessalite—but the story starts with Adam as if he is the MC. This fools the reader, and can throw them off for further character development, as they will naturally be spending more time committing Adam to memory as the perceived MC.

First chapter: This chapter has three segments and all three give us great character development for the first three characters introduced. There is sufficient back story and front loading to hold the reader's attention. That said, chapter three introduces the actual most Main of MC's, and should possibly be considered as a first chapter, with the other chapters coming subsequently before the ballroom scene.

Did I like the story? Did it draw me in?

This story is in its infancy, so I reserve judgment about whether I like it or not. So far, there is only character development and hints at a possible plot, and the reader is not yet committed or invested. However, that said, the colorful use of language is masterful and exquisitely done. The metaphors, the similes, and the analogies are perfectly sculpted to add a very nice array of vocabulary and interest. The author is a very talented writer and I would keep reading this book if for that reason alone.

Believable:

I am still confused about the world and setting building going on in this piece. That is natural, considering I've only read a few chapters. However, so far these are my observations: the setting seems to be medieval, with tents on a battlefield, allusions to a King and a class system reminiscent of medieval times. I do not find Alidera on a map, so am confused about the historical aspect, and wonder if this is a fantasy novel. If it is, then the suspended belief we encounter in fantasy writing, leads us to ignore certain customs, regarding them as unique to the new world we are encountering, but if it is supposed to be actual historical fiction, then here are a few thoughts:

Madelyn's presence on the battlefield. Absolutely unheard of, and Adam has every right to be shocked and dismayed at her presence there. She could not have been there unless she had hidden herself and stowed away somehow. The fact that he does not instantly tell their father of her presence, or that she is there with her father's permission is implausible in the historical context.

Finding a runaway servant girl is highly unlikely on a battlefield, yet this servant is apparently treated as equal to those who find her--- the son and daughter of a general. Now if the servant is there in the same capacity as Madelyn--- and they are both servants, this makes more sense that Madelyn would ask her to share a tent, although Madelyn having her own tent is also unheard of.

For Madelyn to also be a compatriot of the Crown Princess and yet out on a battlefield, unless she is related to someone in Narnia—is also implausible. There seems to be no concern that Scarlett will be found or returned, and no guard is either present to deter them, or report them. Adam does not show much concern about guarding them. The battle from earlier does not seem to threaten them, or concern them.

The fact that Scarlett has run away from the Donlev's due to condescension and heartlessness doesn't tell us much about what she has endured. Maybe adding starvation, abuse, something to give us a reason to pity her, or fear for her.

The Princess is not treated much like a Princess--- this could be because the story is actually fantasy and the actual court customs we are familiar with are suspended here. I'm going to go with that explanation, as the lower station of Adam and Madelyn being disrespectful is confusing, and makes them dubious attendants for the Princess and even Marcus treats her disrespectfully. This is alluded to, and well front loaded, so I'm sure there is a lot I am missing.

However, even Eric is treating her disrespectfully, leaving before her, and not wooing her as a Princess and one he is destined to marry. This scene could really be added to. There is no character development for him, so I assume he plays a very tiny role in the story. The maids coming to clean while royalty is still in attendance is grossly neglectful as well. Might be better to see the MC's sneaking away while others are still present and the party is in full swing, including Eric being there, to add suspense and anticipation to the clandestine nature of the meeting--- more like teenagers escaping from dutiful attendance.

Feelings:

It feels like I am really ripping this apart. Here's the deal. In my defense, there's not much to work with here. But what there is is very promising. Extremely promising. Your writing style is shining and exemplary, the use of language is unprecedented in one so young, and I am impressed beyond words. Your grammar and spelling are nearly flawless, and your attention to description is superb, and some of the best I've seen here. I definitely wouldn't have ripped your piece anywhere at all if I didn't think it deserved to be the best it can be. With no plot holes, and no questionable flow and setting.

Suggestions: Keep writing, and eventually use this simple critique to help with the rewrite. All good authors do a rewrite and edit themselves before publication many times.

Your character development is coming along great, and the future plot is being set up admirably. Your dialogue gifts the characters with color and intrigue, although it is very modern, if this is actually historical fiction.

*****

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to review your story.