Death is a sinister thing. It creeps up on you in the cruellest way possible and rips out your heart, sucking all the joy out of your world. It is especially painful when you've lost so much already. Even more painful than the spring morning when I woke up with shooting pain in my stomach.

Oh god! Oh god! We're dying! Mel panicked in my head and sent my heart racing in my chest. I rolled out of the bed, careful to not squash my now visible bump. I sat on the floor and breathed heavily as I tried to decipher the cause of the burning and cramping I felt inside me.

Mel, calm down! Just call a god damn ambulance! Jesse sighed and I could tell he was probably rolling his eyes at her hysterical state.

"No, not an ambulance. I doubt it's that serious." I said out loud. "Pains are common in pregnancy right?" I winced as I felt a jab again.

Taxi then, Jesse suggested and I agreed, so I carefully pulled myself up onto my feet and called a taxi.

"You're going to be fine, alright honey?" I cradled my stomach and imagined myself holding the baby inside with a smile. My tiny human was the only physical company I had these days.

The journey in the taxi while pregnant wasn't the most comfortable of all journeys. It was like travelling along a country road in a wooden carriage that was about to fall apart underneath you. I felt every pothole rattle through my bones and I worried that the baby could bang its head against something and injure itself. The thought only made me cradle my precious bump more.

Thankfully in less than twenty minutes, I was in Dr Mitchell's office. When he saw my sweaty forehead and my heavy breathing, he instantly made me relay every detail of what was wrong and where it hurt. When I finally finished talking— something which was difficult to do between jabs of pain— he wheeled me on a wheelchair to a room and said he's going to carry out an ultrasound scan. I didn't object.

Some tiresome minutes later, after two thorough scans and multiple tests, I was finally allowed to return back to his office. I sat down in the chair with a sigh and waited for him to return to me.

When he finally walked through the door and sat down at his desk he didn't speak up immediately. Instead, he started typing up something on his computer and looked through some pages. The silence was making me increasingly uncomfortable and Mel's constant paranoid thoughts were not helping.

As I was getting ready to speak up, Dr Mitchell finally sighed and looked up at me.

"Unfortunately I have some bad news for you, Mrs Whittaker." He said slowly, making my heart clench and I gulped down the panic rising up from my chest.

"What is it?" I said, my voice so small and quiet I wondered if he'd heard me at all.

"It seems that your baby does not have a heartbeat."

The words echoed around the room and I felt as if a bomb just went off. My ears rang and my vision got blurry. The overwhelming sadness suffocated me and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't react at all. I thought maybe Jay would take over but he seemed insistent on staying put in my head. However, my vision didn't clear and I let myself be dragged down into the pits of blissful darkness as someone else took control over our body.

***

I cried. I remember lying in the void and crying, oblivious to the passage of time. I'm not sure how long I spent there. It could have been days, months or years. Time is a weird thing in my inner world. Obviously, I knew I could go to any place in there; I could go to my old bedroom, I could go to my school classroom, I could even go to my current apartment. However, I didn't want to. I just wanted to let the darkness comfort me like a blanket of tears.

After some time passed, I saw Jay for the first time. I had always only heard his voice in my head, but now I could finally see what he looked like. He sat in front of me, cross-legged and looking forlorn. He was much younger than I imagined, barely older than a teen, but his bright blue eyes carried the wisdom and sadness of a man with many more years under the belt. He had been there since the beginning. He has existed for much longer than most of us. He had dark hair that blended in with the blackness around us and sunken features that appeared to elongate his oval face and make his cheekbones sharper.

He sat with me in silence, occasionally muttering to himself. I didn't mind it but eventually, I felt the need to say something.

"I don't want to go back," I mumbled, staring into the void and seeing nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jay turn his head towards me.

"You don't have to." He said matter-of-factly. "You can stay here as long as you need to."

"How long have I been here?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes." I picked myself up off the ground and sat beside him. He observed my movement with mild curiosity. "I think it does."

"Time passes faster here. I think it's been maybe a few weeks in the outer world." He told me adjusting himself into a more comfortable position.

"Who's fronting?" I asked and he paused as if he was trying to remember. Then he turned to look at me with his sea coloured eyes.

"There's a new alter," He said slowly, "and she has taken over since you arrived here."

"Who is she?"

"She says her name is Dee." Jay looked up as if he could see her. "She's your age, maybe a bit older. She's taking care of the body."

I contemplated what to say next. I knew how alters were formed, which meant I must have split because of...

I burst into tears again.

Jay didn't say anything and his face remained a mask. Instead, he simply put his arm around me and pulled me into a hug, making me lean on his shoulder.

We stayed like that for a long time.

***

It took me a month to front again. A month in the outer world, which resulted in many more months in the inner world.

When I returned it was only to fall back into my old habit of drinking. I spent every evening at the bar, even if I had work the next day. I'd keep a bottle on my bedside table to get rid of any hangovers in the morning, something which I hadn't done since I met Ethan. He was the one who encouraged me to cease my drinking in the first place and I happily obliged because I didn't feel the need to get drunk with him around. He was there to give me comfort. With him gone, I had to find a different solution.

It was winter by the time I finally worked up the courage to visit my mum. I had neglected our relationship for years and then I was too scared of what she'd think of me to go see her. I didn't want it to look like I only went to her when I needed her help. Of course, that's exactly how it was.

When I arrived at the small grey house, I could sense something was off. The curtains were drawn and no smoke drifted from the chimney, despite it being a cold afternoon in December. I knocked loudly and called her. Maybe she was sleeping?

"You won't get an answer."

I whipped around to see Mrs Black, one of my old teachers, standing on the footpath behind me. She was much older now, probably nearing retirement if not already. Her aged sunken features held an expression of pity.

"Good afternoon Mrs Black." I smiled politely at her, but she didn't return it. "Is my mother not home?"

"Oh, Jane," she sighed, shaking her head. "Your mother passed away last night in her sleep. God rest her poor soul."

I felt numb. I don't think my brain was able to process the news at the time.

We should have come earlier! Jesse yelled. You shouldn't have been such a coward!

It was my fault. I wasn't there for her. I didn't visit her. I didn't even invite her to the wedding because Ethan and I decided to have a private ceremony. We didn't want an audience. We didn't need an audience. Or so I had thought.

Why didn't I visit earlier? Why didn't I call her? Why? Why?

I started running. I ran and ran until I reached an off-license. I bought a bottle of whatever and sat outside the building, sipping miserably and fighting back tears of grief and regret.

Night fell and the bottle was empty, so I started strolling down the street. I walked until the village disappeared behind me.

So here I am, standing on the footpath in the middle of nowhere, contemplating my life decisions and wondering at what point I had gone wrong. Was it when I snapped at Sally? Was it when I failed Chris? Or maybe way back when I had accepted this fate that was bestowed upon me by my father? I guess I'll never know now.

I stand in the middle of the road, taking in the clear night sky above me. I begin to wonder if there really is a God? I never had time for faith, so maybe this was my punishment? But I had tried my hardest. I tried to do my best.

"Why?" I ask the stars. "If you're up there, why? Why have you abandoned me like this?"

White lights appear in the distance. Probably a truck driver, doing his job and delivering stock to shops. I extend my arms in acceptance.

The last thing I hear is a screech of tyres, and then silence.