➵ first off, THANK YOU FOR ONE MILLION VIEWS?!?! THATS FUCKING INSANE THANK U UGH IM GONNA CRYYYYY 9/5/21

☼ TW: sensitive content such as mental disorders, suicidal thoughts, drug usage/addiction, talk of harassment, blood, violent fight scenes and a whole bunch of other stuff! also keep an eye out for symbolism ;)

❀ you guys liked having other ppls pov like zeke in the last chapter so this one has y/n's, eren's, mikasa's and armin's. enjoy!!

❥ oh! also, happy birthday to LightsMainWifey !! hope ur day is great love <333

❧ y/n

"Get up, y/n." Your mom commands as she shakes your shoulder.

You groan and force one eye open as you rub the other. "Mm? What time is it?"

"5 am." She says shoving your blinds open. You sit up and frown. "I don't have class until 10."

She puts her hands on her hips and turns back to you. "I have work at 8 meaning I have to drop you off before then. Now get your ass up."

She slams the door shut as she walks out of it. You sigh and sit at the edge of the bed as you look around at your old room.

It felt so odd being in here again. You had come a few times here and there the past couple days to get some clothes but this is the first time you've slept in this bed since you've left.

Your bare feet press on to the cold floor which sends goosebumps through your body, waking you up slightly. You walk over to your old desk and see all the old memories caught in photographs that hung up around it.

It was alarming how you weren't happy here at all but if you didn't know any better, you would've assumed you were by these pictures.

You were smiling brightly in some and laughing in others, surrounded by people who you thought would be in your life forever and who you now try your hardest to avoid.

It's not like you didn't have fun. You definitely, definitely did. The partying, the getting into trouble, the late night adventures.

It may have been toxic but it was memorable. Forever engraved into your mind.

You found yourself missing it. It didn't matter that they were awful people because atleast they were honest about it and didn't try to hide it.

Which you honestly preferred because you had met people you thought were genuine and turns out they weren't at all.

Not that you were one to talk anyway.

Maybe toxic people just belonged with other toxic people. Maybe these were the people you were supposed to be with. Maybe this is where you're supposed to be.

You snap out your trance when you catch yourself beginning to overthink. You walk over to the restroom and do your whole morning routine before you open up your closet and scavenge through it.

You let out a deep breath and plop down on the floor in front of the open doors. You really missed your clothes back at Paradis.

All these clothes no longer fit you or you just didn't like anymore. But it was better than nothing.

Grabbing clothes that looked somewhat decent, you change into them and look at yourself in the mirror.

You looked drained. You felt like Jennifer from Jennifer's Body in that one scene where she applied the foundation all over her face with her hands.

Your eyes were sunken in and expressionless. Your face looked like it was heavy to pick up as it sagged and drooped downwards. You looked lifeless. Empty.

You debate on fixing yourself up but you have no motivation, no energy. You barely even wanted to move.

This feeling was all too familiar. This image you were currently staring at, you had seen it before. You knew what this meant. What was coming.

To avoid digging yourself into a deeper, pitch black rabbit hole, even though you were practically half way down it already, you walk away from the mirror and head down the stairs.

Your mom is sat at the table and drinking out of a maroon ceramic coffee mug. She does a double take when she looks up at you trailing down the steps.

"You're gonna go looking like that?" She asks. Her usual judging tone and face would've normally set you off but right now, you had no energy to argue. No energy to get pissed.

And deep down, that terrified you.

"I didn't feel like actually getting ready." You say as you sit down at the table. You set your elbows on the surface and your hands massage at your head. "My head is killing me. I can't get this ringing noise out of it."

"Eat something." She suggests. You shake your head. "I don't feel like doing that either."

She scoffs as brings the mug to her lips again. "I'm surprised."

You look at her. Again, normally that comment would've made you snap but you didn't have it in you to even care anymore.

She stands up and sets the now empty mug into the sink and grabs her keys. "Let's go."

Scooting the chair back, you stand up and when you do, you feel weak and the room begins to spin. You quickly grab the corner of the table as you wait for the stars in your eyes to disappear.

"What are you doing? Hurry up." Your mom snaps. Your nails dig into the wooden table and you take deep breaths.

You had thought no one could piss you off the way Eren did but she takes the cake. She knew how to touch the nerves you didn't even realize you had.

Once you recollect yourself, you slowly glide behind her as she locks the door behind both of you.

The air was colder today so you're glad you shoved an oversized hoodie over your body since it was the only thing you were gonna feel comfortable in.

It made you feel warm and safe. Like the garment was giving you a hug. Plus, it hid your body which was perfect because you were feeling especially insecure and vulnerable today.

You reach for the car door's handle when you hear someone say your name. You turn to face the owner of the voice and sees it's your old neighbor.

"Y/n! It's so nice to see you here again, it's been ages. Did you move back home?" The woman asks.

She was always nice to you. Even when she would see you sneak out in the middle of the night or smelled weed coming from the backyard. She never snitched, never judged. Just always minded her business.

You always liked her. But of course, for the life of you, you couldn't remember her name at all.

Before you can even answer, your mom does it for you. "No, she's just visiting. She's still going to Paradis University. She was only in the city for Pieck's wedding. She's going back now. Right y/n?"

The woman gasps when she remembers Pieck got married and she starts to ask about the wedding and how it went while you stare at your mother.

To the clueless neighbor, it might've seemed like your mom was just answering a simple question for you but you knew better.

The tone in her voice. The way she was saying it like that's what she wanted to happen. Like she was refusing the idea of you coming back home. Like she was hoping you wouldn't.

You never understood why she always treated you so poorly. Even before you turned into a hot mess after your dad died, she was always so annoyed of you.

Always spoke like you were a nuisance to her. Always bothering her. Like you weren't her daughter and instead were some kid that always was in her home eating her food and disrupting her peace.

She never felt like a mother to you. That's why you were much more attached to your dad.

You never understood why he married her. Your dad was someone who was fun and carefree. He lived recklessly and dangerously. He was protective and caring.

He was an amazing person who made everyone around him happy. Even when he himself wasn't happy the whole time. No one would've ever expected him to be depressed and suicidal because he was always smiling and making jokes.

Your mom was the total opposite. She was cold and distant. Judging and blunt. If you had to predict which one of your parents was depressed, you would've thought it'd be her because she was always so miserable and on edge.

She was always picking at you and your appearance. Telling you to stop stress eating so much or you were gonna get fat. Telling you to take off certain clothes you loved because they didn't suit you. Telling you to stop being yourself because it was embarrassing.

You hated yourself for years because of her. She made you so insecure and fragile. So filled with hatred. You used to be terrified of her so you'd kept it all inside.

But after he died, things got worse and the dam broke and you finally stopped cowering in corners and walking on eggshells around her.

The already practically non-existent bond became a thin string of web that connected the two of you. The only connection being you shared the same blood.

Other than that, she wasn't anything special to you.

And you weren't shit to her.

"Hello? Why are you just standing there?" She says, honking. You turn and see she's already in the car and yelling at you through the rolled down window.

You realize you were zoned out this whole time.

Why do I always do that?

You slide into the passenger seat and she pulls out the driveway, waving goodbye to the woman who was now out on her lawn watering the plants.

It hits you that you're gonna be stuck in a car with her for an hour and you pray she doesn't say anything to make you feel even worse than you already do.

You had a terribly anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach when you remember where you're going.

You were dreading it so badly. You were gonna face the last people you wanted to see.

Not to mention you don't have a phone so you can't do that thing where you pretend to be busy on your phone when you pass by them.

How were they gonna react to seeing you? You hadn't seen any of them since the party except for Eren who you also had no idea how he was gonna react to seeing you back at school.

You couldn't believe you were being forced to do this. Forced to spend a whole day there and see if you really didn't wanna leave when you had already made up your mind that you did.

You tug on the seatbelt that crosses over your chest and look out the window to try to calm yourself down with the scenery but all you see is tall, shiny buildings and equally as shiny cars.

That was the one thing you knew you were gonna miss about Paradis. It was stunning there. You remember being completely mesmerized when you went to the lake for the first time and were in awe of the vast amount of trees and fields that stretched for miles and miles.

Everything was so natural and healthy there. The grass was greener. Trees were taller. Air was clearer.

But the people were the same no matter where you went. Or maybe it was just you. Maybe you just had bad luck.

You were gonna miss it. In such a short time period, you had made such amazing memories you would remember forever.

You had made fun memories here in Marley but you no longer associated with those people anymore.

And it was just like that in Paradis now too.

I'm the problem.

You didn't wanna go back. You wish everyone understood that. It's not that you were running away from your responsibilities and problems, even though you totally were, but you also just didn't want to be surrounded by such negativity.

You had no idea what happened after you ran after Hitch and since you haven't had a phone, you had no idea what happened even after that night. You haven't heard from anyone in a whole week.

It made you feel like throwing up to just picture the rumors that were spread and the way people are gonna be staring at you or whispering about you.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, this is college not high school. No one really cares about another people's problems here, everyone is focused on themselves.

Maybe it won't be as bad and you pray it won't be because from someone who had rumors spread about her in high school, you should know it's not fun at all.

You didn't even wanna know what your social media looked like either.

I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do this.

It's just one day, right? How bad can it be? Just go to class, go to work, grab your stuff from your dorm and that's it. Simple.

Except it's not. Because in that class, you sit beside Sasha. Who you had no idea how she felt about you.

Because at work, Sasha would also be there so if she hated you, it would only be more awkward. There's also the fact that people you know go in there all the time and with your luck, everyone would decide they're in the mood for coffee today.

Because at that dorm, Hitch resided there. And again, with your luck, she'd actually be there at the time you decide to stop by.

Then there's also everything in between. Who were you gonna sit with at lunch? Your usual chair at the usual table practically had your ass imprinted into it.

But Sasha sat there. Connie sat there. Jean had even begun to sit there as well again.

He probably convinced them somehow to hate you if they didn't already.

Then there was also an hour break you had between classes. You would always hang out under the tree during that time with them.

There was also the points where you had to walk between buildings to get from class to class and how it never failed you bumped into someone you knew.

It was gonna be an entire day of seeing faces that you really, truly did not want to see.

It felt like some kind of sick joke that you were being forced to do this. You understood that you had to get your stuff from the dorm regardless but to actually go to work and class like nothing is wrong? Like you aren't losing your mind and on the verge of being depressed all over again?

But it's all because she doesn't want you here. She doesn't want you back home. You can tell by the way she talks about it. The way she reacts toward it.

"No, she's just visiting. She's still going to Paradis University. She was only in the city for Pieck's wedding. She's going back now. Right y/n?"

You knew for a fact she didn't want you to come back. She was probably happy she finally got rid of you. The bothersome annoying pest was out of life and now it was trying to creep back into her home again.

"Like a parasite."

"Do you hate me?" You ask abruptly. "What?" She asks.

You know damn well she heard you. She was just stalling to come up with a good answer. Or lie.

"Do you hate me?" You repeat quickly to try to cut her thought process in half. She stays quiet for a moment, her eyes ahead on the road. "I don't."

"You hesitated." You point out. Her grip tightens around the wheel. "I did not. I just didn't hear you right."

You sigh and place your forehead on the cold glass of the window beside you. "Even if you say you don't, I know you do. I've known since I was a kid."

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't even fucking deny it.

You turn to her but she refuses to look at you, her demeaning eyes straight ahead. "I spent my whole life trying to be good enough for you."

[play I Can't Handle Change by Roar here]

Nothing.

"You've always picked at me. How I looked. My nose. My teeth. My hair. My body. Even the way I talked or laughed. Everything about me needed to be changed according to you." You tell her.

Again. Nothing.

"I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror because of you." You say quietly.

She finally speaks. "It isn't my fault you take everything to heart and overthink the smallest things." She says back.

"So you think it's okay to point out all the flaws and insecurities of a growing child? To make all it painfully obvious?" You ask her.

She rolls her eyes. "I was trying to help you. It isn't my fault you can't handle the damn truth. Sorry to break it to you but you're far from perfect."

"Why couldn't you just accept me for who I was? You're the reason I have no idea who I really am. Because I was trying so hard to be someone you wanted me to be. You're the reason I'm so fucked up in the head." You admit.

She laughs. "Me? You got all that from your father. You're just like him."

"God, you're such a narcissist. You really think you're perfect, don't you? That you do nothing wrong? That the way I am is just his fault and his fault only." You say growing furious.

Part of you is thankful for the emotion. You felt like you were numb and couldn't feel anything. It sucks it had to be this way and the only emotion you're capable right now is anger and hatred but hey, it's something, right?

"You know, I thought maybe you changed whenever I saw you crying at his grave but you weren't crying because you miss him, you were crying because you feel guilty." You turn away from her.

You couldn't stand to look at her. Especially since she's not denying any of it.

"I used to think you were just a cold person to everyone because you've always treated me and dad poorly but then Pieck came along and you treated her better than you've even treated me." You say looking back at those times.

You remember watching her treat Pieck the way you always wished she was with you. It was another reason you hated Pieck so much at the time.

It wasn't her fault, of course. But it wasn't fair.

You grew up wondering what she had that you didn't. Not only were you always constantly comparing yourself to her but your mom was to.

"Why can't you be more like Pieck?"
"You should follow her footsteps."
"Be more responsible like your stepsister."

You hated her for it. Hated her for being so perfect. For being so smart and good at literally everything. For being so loved by everyone without trying.

For being everything you weren't.

"Do you know how confusing that is for a girl? To wonder why her own mother doesn't like her?" You snap.  "Why wasn't I enough for you? Why her? Why not me? Why? Why did you even have me if you were gonna-"

"Stop." She warns. You sit up straight. "No. I wanna know. Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?"

She says nothing. "You made me feel like you wished I was never born. Like you regretted having me. Like you were just stuck with me." You continue.

Silence again. You shake your head softly. "Why did you even have me if you were gonna regret it the whole time?"

"I DIDNT WANT TO. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" She shouts suddenly. You flinch at little and just stare at her.

She looks at you. "I got pregnant on accident and my parents forced me to marry your dad. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?"

That explains why she was always so miserable. Explains why it felt like your whole life was staged. Like you were stuck inside of a dollhouse.

Everything is changed now. You can't look at your childhood the same anymore. It all made sense so suddenly.

Why she was always so distant. Why it felt like you were burden.

She never wanted you. She was stuck with you.

Stuck with him. That's why she cheated.

And he knew that. He loved both of you but she didn't. Thats what drove him to the edge.

He already had issues. His disorders. The same ones as you. Anxiety. Depression.

But that. Knowing he was in a marriage with someone who was forced to be there and watching her make it painfully obvious that she didn't want to be. That's what really drove him crazy in the end.

A tiny gasp leaves your mouth and your entire body aches. "You were happy when he died, weren't you? You didn't cry. I remember. You were relieved. You were free from him."

"You were relieved when I left home too. That's why you don't want me to come back. You had finally got rid of me too." Your chest was killing you. It felt like someone was sitting on top of it.

"We were burdens to you." Your voice wavers. "He's messed up in the head over shit he can't control! He can't help he was born that way! I can't help that I came out the same way!"

You rip off your seatbelt and turn your body to her. "We can't all be fucking 'perfect' like you. That's why you preferred Pieck over me, right? Because she was normal, she had no issues, no mental illnesses. She was the daughter you always wanted."

"Are you done with your tantrum yet?" She scoffs.

She wasn't even denying it. Not any of it.

"God, what is wrong with you? How can you be so cruel and cold to your own daughter?" You ask. You feel your throat tighten but you're surprised when you don't feel tears well up in your eyes.

Did you cry them all out?

"I NEVER WANTED A DAUGHTER! I NEVER ASKED TO BE YOUR MOTHER!" She screams.
Your heart stops for a moment. But it doesn't make much a difference because your body and it's organs were already moving painfully slow.

This hurt more than anything. More than your friendship ending with Hitch. More than Eren leaving.

You knew she felt this way but hearing it just made it ten times more real and painful. You can't say it was all in your head or that you were just overthinking it anymore.

It's really truly how she feels. She admitted it with no remorse.

You turn away and look out the window and see you're already at the university.

You put your hand on the door handle and take a deep breath. "I never asked to be your daughter or to even be born either but here we are."

You step out when you open the door and slam the door shut. Without either of you saying another word to each other, she speeds off.

You stand alone now in the dim morning light, on the empty campus of students who are still sleeping.

The air was chilly and it stung your already frozen, lifeless face. Loose leaves danced in circles around your feet as the wind guided them.

The world looked so different from your point of view now. It felt like everything was a lie. All your friendships, your relationship, your family.

You felt like you were losing it. Like you were officially out of touch with reality. You didn't know what was real or not anymore. It felt like some fucked up dream or a gone terrible acid trip.

You had no idea what time it was but considering you left at like 6 something, your best guess is that it's maybe 7am.

You sigh as you walk over to one of the nearby benches and you lay your body down across it. Staring up at the sky, you watch the clouds drift slowly.

You lay there as you watch the sky go from a beautiful royal blue to a pale baby blue mixed with pinks and yellows and hints of orange as the sun rises further.

Shading your eyes from the sun, you look around and see students leaving their dorms and others that didn't reside on campus pull into the parking lot.

Realizing this means you have to get your ass up before anyone sees you just laid out on a bench and thinks you slept there or something. You let out a deep sigh and sit up.

You look at the two buildings that contained all the dorm rooms and you remember that the first thing on today's dreadful to do list was to go in there.

It's not like you could save it for last. You had your backpack and laptop in there as well as your work uniform.

You honestly were kind of glad it was the first thing to do so you could just get it over with and out of the way.

As you start to head toward that direction, you keep your eyes down on the ground to avoid accidentally meeting eyes with someone.

Usually, you would've had your head down looking at your phone with your earphones in, blasting music but considering you don't have either, the silence was unbearably loud.

The grass under you crunched as you walk through it to get to the sidewalk. The still dim sunlight reflects on the morning dew that rested on the green blades of the grass causing it to sparkle.

You make it inside the building without bumping into anyone thankfully. The fact that it was still annoyingly early in the morning probably helped with that.

You find yourself standing in front of your dorm for a good five minutes just stalling. You weren't sure if Hitch was awake by now or not but she had class at 9:45 or something like that and she always woke up atleast two hours before to eat and get ready.

Behind this door is your roommate who you haven't seen for an entire week and the last time you did, it didn't go well at all.

In fact, she even claimed she hated you.

You get flashbacks from that night. The way she looked at you. The way she looked in general. The way she yelled. The way you both pushed each other over and over.

"I hate you."

You close your eyes and try to tune out the words. You take a deep breath and open up the door.

Everytime you hoped Hitch was home, she never was. The time you prayed she wasn't..

You open the door fully and see her sitting on top of the counter. She held a cup of coffee in one hand and her phone in the other.

This is exactly how she looked the first time you spoke to her on the first day of school. That morning she was perched up on the counter just like this.

But instead of smiling brightly and gleaming as she says goodmorning like she did that day, she looks up and immediately scoffs.

She sets her empty mug in the sink and hops down from the counter, dramatically making her way to the room.

"Hitch!" You yell but she slams her door shut.

Well, this definitely isn't gonna be easy.

You sigh and walk up to the door, softly knocking on it. "Hitch?"

When you hear no answer you turn around and slide your back down the door until you sit right in front of it. "Look, I know you hate me right now but can we just talk about how I regret it all?"

No answer.

"I don't know what happened."

No answer again.

You throw your head back and the back of it bangs into the door. "God, what is it about him? I had it all under control. Then..."

You sigh and sit there for a while a knot building up in your throat. "He's like this damaged puppy you can't resist and you just want to take care of and fix but he's not a puppy at all. He's like a fucking wolf with rabies and will bite your head clean off."

You sit in silence, hating yourself. This was exactly why you didn't want anyone to know. The slight possibility of him leaving you and making you look stupid.

You had called it. You had said you wanted to wait until it was official because you still weren't sure if he was serious about you.

And you were right. He wasn't.

Everyone was right. Eren was just going to hurt you. But you refused to listen.

"I should've listened to you." You say quietly.

"Yup. You should've." You hear her say behind the door and you realize she's sitting right by it on the other side.

You turn and face the door. "I'm such a fucking idiot. I turned out just to be like every other dumb girl who falls for his shit."

"I know." She says back. You hear the doorknob rattle and you move a little out the way.

Hitch appears still on the ground and she gives you a sad smile. "You are an idiot."

You look down, ashamed of yourself and she embraces you in a hug. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Hitch."

"I know." She whispers.

"You can say you told me so, you know? I deserve it." You tell her.

"I know all too well the heartbreak you're feeling right now and I know that's exactly the last thing you wanna hear." She speaks.

You pull away from her. "I'm not sad." Hitch frowns. "You're not?"

You shake your head and smile. "I'm fine." You stand up and dust off your butt.

Hitch stays seated on the floor and looks up at you. "Okay. We're not doing this."

You look down at her. "Doing what?"

"This whole pretending you're fine thing. You look like shit. There's no way you're perfectly fine. It's written all over you." She says standing up.

She forcefully grabs your arm and leads you to the couch. "Sit." She commands as she shoves you down.

She sits beside you and crosses her arms. "Tell me everything. From the beginning. You and Eren and whatever the hell else is bothering you because I know it's more than just him."

She knows you too well. You wanted to act like you were fine to not have anyone worry. To not be a burden because that's all you've felt like lately.

You were tired of feeling like you were a mood killer or the rain on someone's parade. It was better to keep it all inside rather than to worry everyone.

But it was hard to act like nothing was eating you up inside when it was physically showing on the outside. It quite literally looked like the life was being sucked out of you.

You sigh. "I'm pretty sure you don't wanna hear about Eren. You hate him."

She rolls her eyes. "It's true he's not my favorite topic of conversation and it's true that I hate him because he's a dick but as long as he isn't a dick to you, I respect it."

You study her carefully and she groans. "God, y/n. I don't care that it's Eren. I don't care about what he does or who he dates. I'm not fucking Historia or Mikasa."

She sits up straight. "I'm mad because you didn't tell me. You kept it from me for months. You lied to me and snuck around behind my back."

Hitch looks down at her hands that were now rested in her lap. "We were supposed to tell each other everything. I tell you everything."

You don't say anything. You look down at your own hands as you fiddle with your fingers.

It felt good to know she didn't hate you because of Eren. She was pissed because you lied to her face over and over about it. Hid it from her and snuck around.

Her long, thin finger pokes at your side, the tip of her nail pointing at your scar. "He was there, wasn't he? The night you got shot?"

You look down at your side. "Yeah. He was."

"I've done a lot of thinking. All the times you went out on dates and stuff. It was him. When you got shot, he was there at the hospital with you. You stayed with him for a while after they let you out." She says.

You pause for a moment. "Yeah."

She doesn't say anything back, just looks at your eyes as she tries to piece all the pieces together like a puzzle.

"He loved you back." She says so quietly that you almost miss it. You look up to meet her eyes.

Hitch stares at you. "You were the girl the whole time. The girl everyone was talking about. He mysteriously changed. Dropped all the girls. Stopped throwing parties. Stopped being a dick."

You don't reply. She stares right into your soul. "It was you all along."

"I guess." You say. "I don't know what I was, honestly."

"Tell me then." She says grabbing your hand. "Tell me everything from the beginning. Don't hide it from me. I wanna be there for you and it's hard when you're so sneaky and closed off."

You look at her, your heavy eyes scanning hers. She seemed so genuine. Her face was sad and concerned. You can tell she was worried about how you looked.

You didn't want to say the whole story. Not because you didn't want her to know or because it was too long but because it was gonna be so painful to relive it all over again.

To describe how you two fell in love so tragically just to end up like this.

But she was right. You kept it from her for too long. She told you everything and it wasn't fair she didn't get the same energy back. You considered her your bestfriend yet you kept so much from her.

So you say it. The entire story from start to end.

The night of his party when you first met.

The hotbox and 7-eleven when he apologized for calling you a bitch and acting the way he did at said party.

The bonfire at the lake when you gave him the burnt s'more and sat with him in the dark forest.

The fair where you saw him blush for the first time when you kissed his nose and when he protected you from your ex and beat him to a pulp. Which was also the first time he ever kissed you.

The night he randomly came to pick you up and take you to the abandoned waterpark just to smoke and hang out with you and you began to see the real him.

The lake trip where him and Jean got into it over you and the girls confronted you about it. When he also took you up on the roof and you stared at the stars and talked for hours.

The same trip where you and him got into an ice fight and had to hide in a shower together because all the guys came in.

The smoke sesh at his house with Sasha and Connie and you were alone in the pool together as Passionfruit played.

The first date you ever had together at The Vineyard and how it was perfect until it wasn't.

Your dad's one year anniversary and how he insisted he came with you so you wouldn't have to go alone and how he came to find out how messed up your family situation was.

The day with Mikasa and Armin and how they set you and him up.

The night you got shot and how he drove you to the hospital and claimed that he screamed he loved you over and over.

How he stayed every day and every night at your bed side, passing up sleep and food just to be the first thing you saw when you woke up.

How he took care of you everyday after and cleaned your wound and still made you feel beautiful regardless of the massive scar.

How he took you shopping and paid for your stuff and the two of you went dancing at a club.

All the way to the dreadful halloween party and Pieck's wedding.

You explained it all in excruciating detail. It may have been hard for her to hear but hey, she asked for it.

She blinks slowly as she tries to process all that information all at once. "Wow. Uh.."

You sigh. "Yeah."

There's a long awkward silence for a good two minutes and then she quietly chuckles. "I can't believe you managed to make Eren Jaeger fall in love."

You scoff. "If you can call it that." Hitch frowns and then scoots in closer so she's right in front of your face. "Look y/n, I may be new to this whole y/n plus eren love story thing but from what I've heard? He didn't want to leave you. I mean the guy even said it at the wedding, right?"

"Yeah after he realized he fucked up by losing me." You correct.

She twists her lips to the side as she concentrates. Her head shakes slowly as she's in deep thought. "I don't know. Somethings up. I mean, if everything you told me is true, the dude is madly in love with you. Trust me, no guy is gonna do all that shit just to get some pussy."

"But-" You start. She interrupts you. "Something happened. I don't know what but I was friends with that group too, you know? I know how disgustingly manipulative they can be."

"I don't care what they-"

"Y/n, just..." She shuts her eyes and does the stop signal with both her hands. "Shut up for a second."

You drop your shoulders and keep quiet. She massages her forehead. "Why are you so damn stubborn?"

"Because I don't want to hear this shit! I don't care! It's over and it's done! I hate him and I just want him to leave me alone." You shout.

"But why?" Hitch asks, her voice getting louder too.

You groan. "Because I feel like a fucking idiot! Everyone and their moms were telling me not to fall for him and I did. I knew I was just gonna get hurt but I did it anyway."

She purses her lips together as she waits for you to shut up. "Look. He's easy to fall in love with. Trust me, I know and so does practically everyone else but the difference between us-" She points her thumb behind her shoulder and then switches to her index finger to point at you. "And you is that he actually loves you back."

You cringe. "This is not how I expected this to go at all. I don't like it."

She rolls her light green eyes and sets her hands on your knees. "I just want you to be happy y/n, you deserve it more than anyone after all you've been through. And if Eren is who helps you accomplish that, then so be it."

You wrinkle your nose and grab one of the throw pillows and set it on your lap. "I liked it better when you hated him."

She laughs but then it wavers into a sad smile. "You know, as much as I claim I hate him, I do want him to be happy too."

Your eyes widen and you blink at her trying to process if what you heard was really what she said.

She looks down. "Honestly, I can't really even hate him as much as I want to. He hurt me, yes but I knew what I was getting myself into."

She twists a ring on her finger around and around. "It's not his fault I fell in love with him. I can't hate him for not loving me back. I can't force him to do it either."

"I knew he was in no place to have feelings for anyone. I also knew he has never even had feelings for anyone period. But I was dumb and naive and believed maybe I was different." She admits.

Her eyes still look down like she's ashamed to look you in your face. "You're right, he's like a damaged puppy you can't help but wanna take care of. I couldn't help it. I fell for him and he didn't owe it to me to fall back. I can't hate him for that as much as it hurt."

Hitch's eyes finally meet yours. "I cared about him once. Hell, I even loved him. So I know he's not a bad person. He deserves love and happiness just like everyone else."

She shrugs. "I just wasn't the one who was meant to give it to him, I guess."

She then smiles. "And that's okay because you came along and you managed to help him and give him those things that none of us could. Two damaged people who deserve a break more than anyone managed to be each other's peace."

She pauses for a moment. "You know what? Holy shit. I'm just now realizing how much the two of you have in common."

You laugh a little. "Yeah, it's kinda scary."

She smiles when she sees you smile, even if it's the most weak, small smile she's ever seen, she's glad you're still capable of doing so.

"Plus, I'm with Marlow now. And he makes me beyond happy and ugh, y/n, it's just amazing. I hate to admit it but I'm head over heels for his dumbass." She gushes.

Her cheeks turn bright pink and her eyes sparkle as she says it. You can tell she's genuinely happy.

"I'm happy for you." You force yourself to smile. It's not like you weren't happy for her. You truly were. You just weren't capable of feeling any other emotion except anger today.

It was either angry or absolute nothingness. Just a dull, numb sensation.

Her smile fades when she sees you're still expressionless. "You should talk to him, y/n. Just find out what happened. Because I just know something did."

You adjust your legs so you can get up now from the couch. "Let it go, Hitch."

She stands up too. "Look, I know I wasn't the #1 supporter since day one but now that I know everything, I want you guys to work out."

You look at her, your face still cold. "You mean to tell me this is how you would've reacted if I had told you since day one?"

She squirms uncomfortably. "I wouldn't say that. I mean, all this could've been avoided if you had just told me from the start, you know?"

"I probably would've called you an idiot at first for being as dumb as the rest of us but the more you filled me in on everything, I would've saw it was different with you." She explains.

"After all the things you've confessed to me and told me in confidence, I've never once judged you and I won't judge you for this." Hitch says.

You exit out the living room and start to head to your room. "You did judge me though."

She follows you. "Yeah but that was before I knew the whole story. I thought you were just fucking him and I was mad that you would be that stupid. I was mad that you had been doing it for months and would just lie to my face every time I'd ask."

You sigh and grab your laptop and shove it in your backpack. "Well, now you know everything." You turn to her and your hand covers your eyes. "Can you answer your damn phone so it can stop fucking ringing?"

She looks at you like you're crazy. She takes her phone out of her pocket and looks at the screen and sees no missed calls. "My phone hasn't even rung once."

Your brows furrow together. "Then what the hell is that noise?" You take a seat on your bed and massage the sides of your head. "You don't hear that?"

Hitch stays quiet and looks around the room. "I don't hear anything."

"It's this fucking annoying ringing noise I've been hearing since I woke up. It was faint at first but it keeps getting more and more louder." You groan.

She shrugs. "Maybe it's a migraine. Take some painkillers."

"Maybe." You mumble. She stays standing at your door as you force yourself to get up and grab everything else you need.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asks one last time. You swing your backpack over your shoulder. "Never better."

She laughs through her nose. "Right. Okay well, I'm meeting Marlow for breakfast before class so I'm gonna go. You wanna come with?"

You look at yourself in the mirror and you completely understand why Hitch immediately knew something was wrong.

You had looked at yourself in the mirror earlier before you left your mom's house and that was already a bad view but this...

Somehow you managed to look even worse since then.

"I'm not hungry. Thanks though." You say turning away from your depressing reflection.

She hesitates at first but then just decides not to push further. "Okay. See you later then?"

Most likely not.

"Sure." You lie. It's almost like she knows you did too because her eyes narrow.

She leans off the doorframe. "You know I love you right?"

You look at her and manually smile. "Love you too."

"Don't do anything stupid, okay? I don't know what's up with you but... just... feel better." She says awkwardly as she struggles to come up with the right way to phrase I hope you don't kill yourself or something.

She grabs her bag and heads out the door but before she does, she points at the coffee table in the living room. "By the way, that came for you."

You turn to see where she's pointing at and see an envelope resting on the surface of the table. "Call me if you need me, okay?!" She yells as the door closes behind her.

You totally forgot to tell her you don't have a phone anymore.

Not that it mattered. You weren't gonna be calling her anyway.

You walk over to the stove to see what time it is and notice you still have a whole hour and a half before class even starts.

You had already grabbed your stuff and slipped your shoes on so you didn't feel like taking it all off again.

Plus, as much as you wanted to just crawl into bed and stay locked in this dorm forever, you also didn't at the same time.

If you stayed here alone, it'd just be you and your intruding thoughts. And that incessant ringing noise.

You walk over to the table and grab the mysterious envelope. You thought it was weird someone was sending you something considering you've never received letters before because who even does that still in the age of technology?

Your first thought is that it's Pieck and Porco sending you a postcard from Hawaii but it hits you that they just left two days ago and there's no way it would've been that fast.

Your next assumption is that it was Eren. He probably realized he couldn't contact you through phone so he resorted to letters.

But that didn't seem like him either. No, Eren was the type to show up wherever you are to talk to you face to face. He was confrontational like that.

Kinda like he did at the movies that night.

And speaking of people who showed up that night.

Marley Correctional Facility
Inmate #4269 Anthony David

The envelope wiggled in your trembling hand. You weren't shaking cause you were scared. You were shaking with anger.

You had no idea what was inside this envelope and you were already livid. You could practically already hear the weak ass apology.

With that stupid fucking word.

You take a deep breath and slide your finger underneath the flap so that it rips open. Inside is just a regular sheet on line paper that was ripped from what looks like a normal spiral notebook.

Y/n,
I know I'm the last person you wanna hear from but I just had to get this off my chest. I'm so sorry-

The note slightly wrinkles as you crumble it with your fist at the dreaded word but you continue to read.

I made a mistake that I'm gonna have to live with forever. I thought you died that night and I was losing my mind but they updated me and said you made it out okay. I'm happy to hear that.

God, you had no idea if you were even able to get fully through this bullshit.

I know you don't owe me anything and I know I don't deserve an apology but I have a feeling I'm gonna die soon and I don't wanna have bad blood before I go.

Bad blood? Why is he acting like he just broke your heart or something? Hello? He quite literally SHOT you.

The guys in here don't take violence or crime toward women lightly. They literally beat to death this guy for raping someone and they almost paralyzed this other one for beating his wife.

So that's what this is about. The guilt and paranoia is eating him alive. That's why he's asking for forgiveness because he's scared they're gonna come for him. As they should.

I know I deserve it. But I don't know when my last day is gonna be so I wanna make sure you know I didn't mean to shoot you. I wasn't aiming at you. I want to explain all of it to you and apologize in person. To see you one last time.

Idiot. Fucking idiot.

I know you probably won't come but we have visitations every Tuesday and Thursday so when you get the chance (hopefully soon) come see me. Atleast just once. I want to leave with my soul cleansed.

Soul cleansed?

"The fuck kinda bullshit?" You say out loud. You crumble up the letter and toss it in the trash.

You didn't give two shits about helping him. All he's ever done was cause you harm. Fuck being the bigger person.

You stand there in the middle of the living room now fuming with anger and annoyance. You could practically feel the smoke come out your ears.

And then there was that stupid fucking noise.

What was that? It was driving you insane.

You squeeze your eyes shut and bang on the side of your head two times in attempt to some how shut out the sound but it doesn't work.

The only thing you could think of was putting some earphones on and blaring music to overpower the sound but it was impossible without a phone.

If only you had kept your old ass iPod or maybe even one of your old phones. You could also just plug it into your laptop but you were already fearing getting stares from everyone, walking around with a laptop open definitely wouldn't help.

You knew of one thing you could do while you have spare time.

You walk out into the hallway, closing the door behind you. It was still early and quiet so your boots echo with every step you take.

As you make your way over to the main campus building, you try to focus on any noise you can to tune out the ringing noise in your ears.

You hear birds chirping in trees you pass, cars pulling into parking spaces and indistinct conversations from people who pass by you.

But the noise was still there. You also thought you heard your name being called a couple times but every time you would try to find the noise, no one was there.

You finally make it to the main offices and walk up to the one marked Student Resources. There's a woman probably in her early 30's behind the glass window. "Good morning." She says.

"Morning. Um, I'm here to...I guess unenroll? I'm not sure if that's how you say it." You explain. You didn't wanna use the word drop out.

"Ah. You'll have to fill out this paperwork. What's the reason?" She asks as she hands you a clipboard that had a small packet attached.

You take the papers from her. "I'm moving away. Personal reasons." You had to add personal reasons so she can get the idea you don't want to be questioned about it.

"Sorry to hear that. We unfortunately don't give refunds for tuition though so what you've paid so far you won't get back." She notifies you.

You didn't even think about that. "Okay."

You walk over to a seat and begin to fill out the forms. It was about four pages long and for the most part it was just a bunch of stuff saying what it means to unenroll.

Your head was pounding still so you didn't feel like even reading all of it. Nor did you even have the will to.

You initial where you need to and sign where it states to and hand the papers back to her. "Thank you. Do you reside on campus? If so, you have until the end of the semester to move out."

You try to recall what month you're even in right now. "End of the semester. Are we still in November?"

She gives you an odd look. "Yes. The semester ends in December right before Christmas break."

You click the pen and shove it back into the little tin can filled with other assorted pens. "Okay. Thanks."

You begin to walk away but then you quickly turn around. "Uh, sorry but what time is it?"

She looks you up and down and tries her hardest not to give you a judging look but fails terribly. "It's 9:36."

You nod and exit the building. That woman probably thought you were a mess or on drugs or something by the way she looked at you.

You still had a good amount of time before class started but you were practically right next door so you decided to just be early.

Before you head over there, you stop by the restroom to use it really quickly before class starts.

You have your head down to the ground as you walk in and the girl coming out is too focused on shoving who knows what back into her bag that you both bump into each other.

"Shit! Sorry!" The girl panics.

"It's fine, don't worry about it." You say slipping past her. You step on something and look underneath your shoe and see a small baggy.

"Hey!" You stop the girl before she walks out. "You dropped this."

As you hold out the baggy to her, your eye catches it and realizes what it is.

Xanax. About 4 small little white bars.

The girl's eyes grow big and she snatches the bag away and quickly begins to hide it in her bag. "Fuck. Please don't tell anyone."

You shake your head. "I wouldn't." A small chuckle leaves your mouth. "Trust me, I'm the last to judge."

She pauses and stares at you for a moment, a tiny smile forming. "You pop bars too?"

"Uh..not anymore." You say awkwardly. It was always so embarrassing to admit.

"Here. Have one." She says taking the bag back out. "You could've kept them or even snitched but you didn't, so thanks. I owe you."

She takes one bar out and holds it out to you. You instinctively hold out your hand even though you don't mean to and she places it on your palm.

You just stare down at it in silence. "I...I can't."

She laughs. "It's okay! I have three more, don't worry about it." She zips up her backpack again and then turns to leave the restroom. "Enjoy girlie!"

You stand there alone in the empty bathroom now just staring down at the pill on your palm.

Take it.

What? No. I can't.

It's just one. You need to relax anyway.

That's how it always started. Just one.

You close your fist and try to tune out the argument in your head. Why were you even debating it? It's a no brainer. You shouldn't be taking it.

Not when you know how long it took you to get clean and away from this kind of stuff. How long it took you to stop yearning for it. To stop getting withdrawals from it.

Not when you know that just one doesn't end with just one because it's just "just one" until its "okay, just one more and that's it."

It'll make you feel better. Remember how relaxed and good you would feel?

Why the fuck was your brain fucking with you? What was up with this voice in your head and why was it so willing to self sabotage all the progress you've made so far?

You unclench your fist and stare at the pill once more.

It is just one. Maybe I can do just half of it. That won't be so bad right?

I deserve it. The past couple weeks have been hell. Shit, more like these past couple months.

Actually... more like the past couple years.

It was tempting. It truly was. You hated this. Hated yourself for even considering it.

But the voice in your head was right. You needed it. Or at least you think you do.

You're stronger now. You can take just one and quit. You've stopped before so it's easy now.

That's true.

It felt like you were arguing with someone completely different. Like it wasn't some inner monologue but like there was an actual person in your head.

What the fuck is happening to me?

Your eyes are glued to the white pill. All the memories come flooding back to you. All the times you've done it and how relaxed and worry free you felt.

How peaceful and loose. How unbothered and chill.

"Fuck it." You toss the pill into your mouth.

But with those memories came all the ones you don't even remember. All the times you would black out on Xanax and wouldn't remember anything at all that happened.

You would have no recollection of what happened after you swallowed the pill. It was a terrible and shitty feeling.

Especially when people would say "Omg y/n you did this" or "Y/n you said that" and you would have no idea what they were talking about.

What the actual fuck am I doing?!

You quickly spit the pill out before it even gets a chance to slide down your throat. It bounces off the wall and hits the ground.

You run over to the sink and quickly flush your mouth out under the faucet.

Once your done, your wipe your mouth with your sleeve and you make contact with the reflective version of yourself.

You couldn't even recognize the person you were looking at. It was like a complete stranger. It was terrifying.

"Who the fuck even are you?" You ask. The reflection obviously doesn't answer back and for obvious reasons, you're glad it doesn't.

I have no idea who I really am.

You turn your head to look at the abandoned pill on on the bathroom tile floor. You couldn't believe you were about to fall down that extremely slippery slope all over again.

Have you really not learned anything?

You walk over to the pill and crush it hard with your heavy boots. You twist your shoe side to side so you're sure to grind it down to dust.

Once you hear the small crunch, you lift up your boot and see the white dust. You grab a paper towel and run it under the water slightly so it's damp and you dab at the product to pick it up.

After your picked up a majority of it, you ball up the used napkin and toss it in the trash. And just like that, without even giving yourself the chance to regret anything, you walk out the restroom.

You now stand outside your classroom. You're hesitant to go in just because you know what awaits for you.

You had no idea how Sasha felt about you and it made that annoying, persistent anxious feeling in your stomach to arise.

What if she switched seats? Part of you kinda hoped she did because if she did hate you and she stayed in that spot, it'd be uncomfortably awkward.

Only one way to find out.

You walk into class and you receive a different mix of reactions. Some people looking at you concerned and some confused.

Avoiding making eye contact with any of them, you walk over to your regular seat by the window. Before you make it there, you look up to see if Sasha is there and she is.

Her eyes light up when she sees you and she smiles and her hand comes up like she's about to wave but it immediately goes back down like she remembered something.

She probably forgot she isn't supposed to be talking to you.

You drop your bag down and take the seat. You keep your eyes out the window as you take your journal and pens out your backpack.

She does the same but as well as a bag of caramel popcorn. It's awkward because the two of you don't say a single word to eachother and it's like everyone around you can feel the tension.

Everyone in this class had already become accustomed to you and Sasha laughing and always being loud in this class. You both were used to getting weird or annoyed looks from your classmates but you didn't care.

Now it was the complete opposite. It was uncomfortably quiet. Everyone was quietly on their phones as they wait for Professor Hange to show up.

There was no other noise expect for shuffling of feet or people adjusting their bodies in their seats or zipping up their bags.

Then you hear the obnoxious sound of a plastic bag being opened beside you and you turn to its source and see Sasha struggling to open the bag of sweet coated popcorn.

She finally rips it open and then tosses one into her open mouth. She catches you looking and tilts the bag to you offering you some. You shake your head and then face forward again.

It felt like the first day. You had met her just like this. You had accepted her offer that day and that's where the bond began to form. You began to wonder what would've happened if you never taken that candy from her that day. How different would your life be right now?

She brings the bag back to her and continues to eat from it. You keep your eyes out the large glass window to avoid having to look at her.

You did this the first day too. Except you had saw Armin sitting under the big tree that day but this time there was no blonde, blue eyed boy reading under the shade.

You were kinda glad for that because he was one of the last people you wanted to see at the moment.

"Ugh! I can't take this anymore! Why are you mad at me?" Sasha cries.

You frown as you turn to her. "What are you talking about? Aren't you mad at me?"

She mirrors your facial expression. "What? Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because of what happened? Isn't everyone?" You ask. Sasha laughs. "Why would I be mad when I already knew about you and Eren?"

Your shoulders come up as you cower into your body. "I don't know. Maybe they convinced you or something, I don't know!"

Sasha shakes her head. "Me, Connie, Nic and Marco were defending you the whole time. We've been calling and texting you but you haven't answered any of us."

You cover your eyes with your hand. You felt so fucking stupid. "I don't have a phone right now."

She throws some more popcorn into her mouth. "Why not? What happened to it?"

You sigh and set your head down on the table in front of you. "Doesn't matter."

You don't need to look up to practically hear the smirk stretching across Sasha's face. She snickers and sticks two more pieces of popcorn in her mouth. "You threw it at something, didn't you?"

You shoot up. "How..how do you know that?" She covers her mouth as she laughs. "Because Eren did the exact same thing."

The two of you stare at each other for a moment. Her face smug and yours stunned. You then put your head back down. "I don't wanna talk about Eren."

She sets her head down too but rather than it being face down like yours, her cheek is rested on the surface of the table so she's facing you.

"So you guys haven't made up yet, huh?" She asks. You turn your face to the side to look at her. "Why the hell would we make up?"

She stares at you for a moment, her cheeks moving up and down as she chews. Your eyebrows touch in the middle. "What?"

She continues to chew until she swallows hard. "You don't know, do you? You don't know what happened."

You groan and turn your head back downwards again. "What the hell are you talking about, Sasha?"

Your head was throbbing profusely and your eyes felt so strained like as if you've been staring at the bright screen for 12 hours straight with no breaks.

She kicks your chair hard causing you to jump. "Can you stop?!" You snap. She matches your angry expression.

The hell is she mad for?

"I don't know why the fuck Eren is taking so long to tell you so I'm gonna do it." She states. Her tone was stern and serious like she was getting after her child.

You slap your hands over your ears. "I don't wanna hear it!"

She rips your hands away and pins them down by wrapping her hands around your wrists. "I don't care. You need to know what happened."

You try to pull your arms away but she tightens her grip. "He didn't want to leave you, y/n. He loves you. You know that. You know him. You know he wouldn't just leave you for no damn reason out of the blue."

"But he did." You say through gritted teeth. You try to wiggle your arms out of her grip but she doesn't budge. "No. He didn't."

You sigh and stop resisting. "Okay, what was the reason then, hm?"

She looks around to make sure no one is listening, or at least not making it obvious they are, and then leans in closer. "Jean and Historia were manipulating him. They were threatening you. Historia said she would ruin your life if he didn't stop talking to you and Jean said he'll never stop bothering you or trying to ruin your day."

"The fuck is Historia gonna do? Spread some rumors about me? She can go ahead and do it, I don't care. Wouldn't be the first time someone has." You snap.

Sasha shakes her head. "Her dad owns the school. She said she can make him get you expelled and you'll lose your job too."

You pause for a second but then snap out of it when you realize that doesn't even matter anymore considering you already unenrolled. "I can just go to school somewhere else. Simple."

Sasha groans with frustration. "She said she can make it where her dad tells no one to accept you."

You rip your arms away from her while she distracted. "Well, then I'll move far away! I'm not scared of that bitch, Sasha. I'm not gonna let her think she can ruin my life over some stupid ass boy who doesn't want her."

She sighs. "That's what he said. He wasn't budging. He said you could stay with him if you lost the dorm and that he'd pay for your school somewhere else. He wasn't falling for it but then..."

Her eyes trail down to the floor. "But then what?" You ask. She doesn't respond.

"Hello? But then what?" You repeat. She still doesn't look up from the ground like she afraid to look at you.

"She threatened him with something else but I didn't get to hear what it was. I just know it was bad because I saw his face and also because he doesn't wanna tell me what it was." She says quietly.

You frown. "What? What could she pos-"

But then you remember.

"You almost died. You overdosed. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I won't tell anyone but Historia-"

You feel your body start to tremble. God, please not now. Not here.

"That fucking bitch..." You whisper. "How the fuck did she find out about that?"

Sasha looks up finally. "About what? What was it?" You shake your head. "Nothing. I just can't believe she'd stoop that low."

"I think she threatened your family too. I heard her say something about your mom but again, I didn't hear clearly. She was in his face and the music was loud and-" She starts.

It was like the fluorescent lights above switched to a darker tone because the room began to turn red around you.

It didn't take long for you to put two and two together. To think what would be so horrible that it scared Eren who was always so brave and daring. So stubborn and prideful.

To put together him finding out about the overdose and then saying her name. And then the part about your mom.

If you were to make your best guess, she somehow found out your mom was a pharmacist and she was gonna say your mom gave you the drugs that you overdosed on.

Which by the way, wasn't the case at all. You didn't even take them from her job. You got them on your own, she wasn't involved at all.

"I'm gonna go to jail." You mumble as you're still zoned out, your mind racing on all the possible things she could've threaten him with.

"What? That's how bad it was? That it could put you in jail?" Sasha asks, clear panic in her voice.

"No, I meant I'm gonna go to jail because I'm gonna beat the living shit out of her." You say casually.

Sasha winces. "Oh."

You blink slowly, your bottom lip between your teeth as you're concentrated. "God, Eren is an idiot. Why didn't he just tell me that night? I mean I get that he didn't want that to happen but he could've told me right there and we could've found a way around it."

"He was gonna but they started ganging up on him. Guilt tripping him. Telling him that everything bad that has happened to you was his fault and that you were fine without him." She explains.

"They fucked with his head. They started saying he was cursed because his parents died and you almost died the same way." She says sadly. "The people closest to him."

Professor Hange walks in and greets the class and everyone begins to set their phones down and give their full attention.

"So he left because he started to believe he's bad for me. It wasn't just about the threats. They got to him." You mutter.

"For a moment, yeah. I mean, they were pretty damn convincing. His parents are a sensitive subject so when they brought up how similar their incident is to yours, I guess he took it too heart and it messed with him." Sasha says tucking the bag of popcorn away in her bag.

She zips it up and then turns straight ahead to face the board as the lesson begins. "He snapped out of it fairly quickly though. He had some deep talk with Zeke and he realized nothing they said was true. He went out the day of the wedding to buy a new phone and he immediately called me and asked if I heard from you or knew where you were because he wanted to make things right."

"He's such an idiot." You say biting the cap off your pen.

Sasha looks at you and smiles. "At least you know the truth now though. Now you guys can work things out, right?"

You turn to her, eyebrow raised. "No." Her smile drops and she looks confused. "But..."

"I understand why he did it. To protect me. He didn't want me to lose anything. He thought he was bad for me and bringing bad into my life. I get it." You say as you write the date down on the paper.

"But?" Sasha asks. You aggressively scratch out the date over and over when you realize you wrote the wrong one. You had no idea what day it was anymore. All the days started to blur together.

"But he took things too far. He could've just left. He didn't have to say all the things he did. There's no excuse for that." You say.

You smile a little. "I got him back though. Now he knows how bad it hurt. How bad it hurts for the person you love to use all the things you trusted them with against you for the purpose of intentionally hurting you."

Sasha stays quiet for a moment not sure what to say anymore. "He didn't mean any of those things. He just wanted to make sure you didn't wanna come back. I told him that night before he went out there that there was no way you were gonna believe he randomly gave up on you and he said that's why he had to make it believable. That's why he said those things."

"I don't know what he said to you but I can only imagine it hurt you. But you need to understand, he didn't mean any of it, y/n. He just thought it'd be easier if you hated him." Sasha pleads.

"Well it worked." You say. You turn to her and look her dead in the eye. "I fucking hate him."

Sasha stares back at you, her eyes wide and shaky. Her lip trembles like she wants to keep going but knows it's better not to.

You didn't mean to snap at her. But you didn't want to hear any excuses for Eren. You didn't wanna hear about him period.

As much as you try to deny it and act fine, the damage in your heart still felt raw. The sound of his name was like a punch to the gut.

You didn't want to hear Sasha's side of the story or anyone else's. It needed to be from him.

But even then, you won't listen. Because it's too late now. He should've explained the moment it happened. Explained the situation.

He shouldn't have assumed he knew what was best for you, for both of you. He never bothered to ask what you wanted to do. How you felt.

Instead he broke your heart and made sure it hurt more than anything ever has.

You tighten your grip around your pen and grit your teeth as you recall back to that night and all the stuff he said to you.

I hate him. I fucking hate him.

You try to pay attention to whatever Professor Hange is saying along with what Sasha is but the words all jumble together. The ringing in your ears had gotten louder too.

You couldn't even pretend to care about what was on the board in front of you. You were so lost and confused. You had missed so many days of school that you had no idea where you left off.

"I can't do this shit." You grumble as you massage your temples. "I feel like my head is gonna explode."

"Are you okay? You look like hell." She points out. You set your head back down. "I think I'm depressed again." You say quietly enough for only you to hear.

And it works because she doesn't hear what you said. "What?" She asks.

"Nothing. I'm gonna take a quick nap, okay? Wake me up if something important happens." You say.

"Well, we have a quiz. If you consider that important." She cringes as she plays with her fingers.

You snap your head up. "That's not funny." She gives you a weary look. "I wasn't joking."

You snap your head toward the board and see that there is indeed a quiz. Hange begins to hand out the quiz to the front row and they start to pass back the papers.

"Fuck." You whisper. There was no way you were gonna pass this. You had no idea what it was even gonna cover.

"Maybe you can get excused for it or something?" Sasha suggests. The papers finally reach the back row you're seated at and you flip it over so you can see the questions.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You had no clue what any of it even meant.

Not only that but the words all blurred together. It seemed like they swimming around in water, swaying on the white sheet.

You rub your eyes and blink repeatedly trying to get them to stop but your hazy vision remains. "Fuck." You say again.

Part of you is saying it doesn't matter or not if you pass this quiz because you're gonna leave anyway but grades are forever so no matter where you go, those grades will follow you.

At this point, you didn't even wanna do school anymore. You didn't have the motivation for it.

All you wanted to do was crawl into bed, shut the blinds, turn off all the lights and sleep for days and days.

"Copy my answers." Sasha offers. "Just don't make it obvious."

You didn't even have the energy for that either. You had absolutely no strength to do anything. Part of you just wanted to crumble up the paper and walk out of class but you didn't have the energy to do that either.

You felt dead. Unable to move, think, speak, act. Just sit still. No emotion, no nothing.

Before you know it, the timer rings and Hange tells everyone to pass their papers up and you look down at the still blank page in front of you.

You didn't even have your name on it.

Sasha looks at you, her eyes sad. "Talk to Hange after class, okay? I'm sure you can take it another time."

"I'm not coming back, Sasha." You say handing the person in front of you your blank sheet. They frown when they notice there isn't any thing on it but mind their business.

"Look, I know everything is fucked up right now but I can talk to Jean and Historia. I can convince them to stop and drop everything." She says.

You set your palm on your forehead. Your headache was even getting worse. You couldn't focus. Her voice sounded a million miles away.

"Sasha, I honestly don't know what you're saying right now." You mutter.

She leans forward to look at your face. "Are you.. are you on something right now?"

You take a deep breath as you set your head down on the table for the millionth time. "I wish I was."

Class comes to an end and you only know that because Sasha shakes you to let you know.

Both of you walk out the classroom and she walks slow to keep up with your sluggish pace. "You gonna come sit with us at lunch? It's not the same without you. Connie misses you too, he's been worried about you."

"I don't wanna see Jean." You say looking down at your feet. It felt like you weren't even moving. Like someone was forcing your body to move and you weren't in control of it.

"But we can talk to him about it. Try to get to him to drop everything." She tries to convince.

"I'm not hungry." You say flatly. "Plus, I need to go start packing my stuff."

Sasha stops you. "Are you seriously gonna leave?" You look at her, her usual bright, wide eyes were serious and piercing.

"What's the point of me staying? Either I leave on my own free will or Historia gets me kicked out and practically ruins my chances of getting anywhere else." You remind her.

"That's only if you stay with Eren. She's not gonna mess with you if you stay away from him and you made it clear you don't wanna be with him so you don't have to worry about that!" She shouts.

You don't say anything. She blinks slowly. "Unless you do want to get back with him and that's why you're leaving."

"What? No." You snap.

Is that why you're being so quick to leave?

"Then why are you leaving?!" She yells.

"I don't want to do this anymore! Not here, not over there, not anywhere!" You yell back.

A passing person stares at the two of you as they walk by. "So what does that mean?" Sasha asks jogging to catch up to you. "You're just gonna give up? Drop out?"

"Sasha, I'm begging you to stop." You keep walking. "No! I'm not gonna let you leave without putting up a fight." She says pulling on your arm so you can face her.

"Oh my god, well if you're gonna keep bitching at me, do you have Tylenol or Advil or something?" You ask her.

She hesitates, looking you up and down. "I don't think you should be taking any of that."

Your face screws up. "The fuck? It's Advil not fucking crack, Sasha."

You continue to walk away from her and she walks quickly beside you. "Okay, sorry you're right but you're kinda freaking me out. I feel like I'm talking to a zombie and that's probably gonna make you even drowsier."

"I just want this headache to go away. I swear it feels like there's a million different voices in my head and this annoying ringing in my ears." You say pinching your nose bridge.

"How are you gonna do it at work?" She asks. You push the doors open and the bright sun immediately blinds your eyes causing your head to pound more.

"I'll probably stop by my dorm and get some pain medicine, I think I have some." You say blocking your eyes from the burning star beating down on you.

Sasha adjusts the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "Well, I don't work today so I hope you feel better."

You turn to her. "Wait what? You don't?" She shakes her head and takes her phone out of her pocket to check the time. "Nope. I have a doctors appointment today so I got Floch to cover my shift."

"Ah." You say. Normally you would've been irritated that you had a shift with Floch but lately, he hasn't been annoying you as much. If anything, you looked forward to seeing him. He was the only one from the party who was there for you that night.

"Y/n?"

You and Sasha both turn around and you feel your skin heat up when you see who it is.

"Can I talk to you?" Mikasa asks. You grip the strap of your backpack tightly. Sasha turns to you, her bottom lip pinned down by her teeth. "I'll see you later, okay?"

You grab her arm. "Do not leave me alone with her."

Sasha look at your nails digging into her sleeve. "Just talk to her." She meets your eyes again. "You're leaving anyway right? This is the last time you'll have to see her, might as well let it all out."

There was clear attitude in her voice. She was mad you were leaving. Mad for giving up so easily.

She pulls her arm away and leaves you standing there a few feet from Mikasa.

You turn back to Mikasa and she stands there uncomfortably, a textbook in her arms against her chest.

"What do you want?" You ask her. You try to be snappy and rude but you end up sounding monotone and bored.

She looks around and spots a picnic table over by the garden. She uses her hand to gesture that way. "Wanna sit down?"

Before you can answer, she walks toward the table and you follow her. You don't fight it because the more you fight it, the more it'll drag on and you just wanted this day to be over with.

She sits down and you're hesitant to sit at first as you stand with your arms crossed but your body feels so weak that you give in and take a seat across from her.

You set your bag down beside you and take a deep breath. "Now what?"

                                   ❧ mikasa

She fiddles with the pitch black acrylics on her fingernails. "Look. I just had some stuff I needed to say. I want to apologize for my behavior."

She pauses as she waits for you to say something but you don't. You just stare at her in silence.

You looked terrible. She always thought you were extremely pretty. In fact, when she first met you at the mall that day with the girls, that was her first impression of you. You were beautiful, she couldn't deny it.

She was already a shy person. Quiet and to herself but for some reason she found herself being intimidated by you.

She remembers you both wore the same shoes that day too. She looks under the table and notices you both are wearing those exact shoes again together.

Her eyes go back up to you and she tries to read you but your face is so blank that she has no idea what's going through your mind.

Were you hungover or something? Sick maybe?

She wasn't even sure where to begin. The last time she spoke to you was at the Halloween party and you quite literally threatened to kill her so it's safe for her to assume you're not too thrilled to see her right now.

Not that you look thrilled to do anything in general.

Mikasa sighs. "Look. What me and Armin did was fucked up, I know. But you shouldn't hate Armin for it, he was only doing me favor. We thought you were just some girl he was fucking with."

"Even if I was, so what? Eren is an adult who can do whatever he wants. He doesn't need anyone's permission." You snap.

This already wasn't going well.

"I know that. I was just..." She cringes. "Jealous."

You say nothing which only makes her even more uncomfortable. "I didn't know he was actually in love with you. The two of you hid it so well that I just assumed it was a fling."

"How do you know he's in love with me?" You ask.

She chuckles softly. "He practically announced it to everyone at the party."

You turn away from her and your eyes glance at some birds singing in the trees nearby.

Mikasa's heart ached. If someone would've told her Eren declared his love for her at a party, she would've been doing cartwheels right now.

So why did you look so...unimpressed?

"Do you even love him back?" Mikasa asks getting slightly angry. Your face hardens. "That's none of your damn business."

She digs her almond shaped, black acrylics into her palms and she catches you noticing. "And if I do, so what? You gonna ruin my life? Threaten me and my family?" You challenge.

"I'm not apart of that. Historia and Jean took that too far. Ask anyone that was there, I didn't join in on that." She clears up.

You scoff and laugh a little. "Don't act innocent either. You know you've done something close to that to us before."

Mikasa closes her eyes. She still couldn't believe she did that. The way she asked Armin for help to get you to see Eren and her together so you could back off.

She knew Eren didn't belong to her but it sometimes felt that way. He slept around with several girls and never claimed any of them so she knew he wasn't just for one person.

But he hit her up more. Out of all the girls, he would call her more. She was so in love with him that she hung on to that tiny fact. As sad as it was.

She thought she was special. She'd tell herself that he must have feelings for her if he always preferred sleeping with her over anyone else.

But then she realized it was probably because he was just familiar with her already. He knew what she liked. She knew what he liked. It was easier for him to pretend to enjoy.

"I'm sorry. It was fucked up I know. But-" She begins.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" You interrupt her. "Apologize to Eren. He's the one you harassed."

She shoots up. "I didn't harass him!" You look up at her, face still cold. You remind her a lot of Eren. That same hard, empty expression.

She sits back down. "At least I didn't mean to."

"Well I'm telling you that you did." You say bluntly.

Man, you didn't hold back. It was so crazy how much you had changed in her eyes. When she first met you, you were sweet and friendly. You had kinda reminded her of Sasha in a way.

Then the more she got to know you, she realized you weren't like that at all. What made you change? Or maybe you were always this way and your true colors were appearing.

"I know it may look bad but to me, I was just trying to have sex like we always do. I didn't know you and him were serious. If I knew, I wouldn't have done that." She says.

"Yeah. Okay." You laugh as you cross your arms. Man, you remind her of Eren so much. It was always so hard to get through to him because he was so unbelievably stubborn.

[play Washing Machine Heart by Mitski here]

"I wouldn't have! Look, I know you may think I'm a bad person and I honestly don't blame you but I'm not. I just..." She trails off.

A small butterfly lands on the table right between the two of you. It was a pastel yellow color and there was a tiny piece of its wing missing.

"It doesn't matter. Regardless if he has a girlfriend or not, if it was obvious he didn't want to do anything with you, you should've back off." You clarify.

The butterfly flies away and Mikasa's eyes return to you. "Are you?"

You frown. "Am I what?"

"His girlfriend." She replies.

Your serious expression melts for a second but it quickly bounces back. "It doesn't fucking matter! The point is he made it obvious he didn't wanna do anything with you."

"Look at it from my point of view. We have sex all the time, we have for years and to me, it was like every single time. I sat on his lap and he let me and-"

"He let you?" You ask. "And years? Didn't his parents pass away only a year ago?"

She hesitates for a moment. "We would have sex before his parents died. We lost our virginities to eachother."

She can tell you didn't know that because your stale face weakens and your eyes look sad. "Oh."

"I'm not trying to brag or anything, trust me. That's not what I came to do. I'm just trying to explain why it felt so normal to me. I didn't know he was in love with you. He wouldn't tell me or Armin anything about it ." She explains.

There's no response from your end. You look down at the table in front of you in what appears like deep thought.

She came to apologize. To make things right but it only seemed like she was making things worse.

She sighs. "The last time I had sex with him, it was like he wasn't even fully there. Like his mind was somewhere else and his eyes were far away like he was looking somewhere else."

Her throat tightens. "Like he was pretending I was someone else and that's when I knew."

You look at her again but this time it's her who looks down at the table. "But I refused to believe it until he said it at the party. I was in denial for so long before then. I refused to lose to someone else."

For some reason she felt herself getting angry. The fact that you weren't saying anything back and just staring at her blankly made her even more furious.

She keeps her eyes on the table and her fists ball up underneath it. "I've loved Eren my whole life and he chose you. Why?" She asks through gritted teeth. "Why not me?"

"I don't know." You say.

"Why not me? I've been by his side forever, I watched him grow, I was there when his parents died." She continues. "But he still chose you. Someone he barely even knows."

"I DON'T KNOW ALRIGHT!" You yell. "I didn't do shit to make him choose me. He just did."

Her fists tighten even more, her nails digging into her palm. "That's the thing. You didn't even have to try."

"I tried so hard to make him love me back. I took care of him. I was there when he needed me. I would go when he would call me even if it was just for sex. And it was never enough." She continues.

She felt her breathing get harder as her blood boils. "What the hell do you have that I don't? Not just with Eren but with everyone else. They all prefer you."

"What the hell are you even talking about?" You ask. The fact that you didn't even notice it pissed her off even more.

"Those were my friends! I grew up with them. I know them better than you yet they prefer being with you. They stopped inviting me places because they'd invite you instead." She fumes.

She felt so stupid admitting all this out loud. Pathetic even. But she had been holding it in for too damn long.

"You're more like them. You're more fun. Everyone picked you. Even Jean whose been in love with me forever turned away from me for a moment to pay attention to you." She finishes.

You scoff. "So that's why you took him away from me? Because you were jealous that he was paying attention to me?"

You lean forward. "Jean chose you. He never wanted me, he was using me to make you jealous. And it clearly worked because you fucked him."

She smacks her lips and mutters the next part quickly and under her breath. "I didn't want to fuck him."

You stand up and slam your palms down. "Then why the hell did you?!"

"EREN TOLD ME TO!" She screams. A passing couple walks by and tries not to make it obvious they're staring.

You sit back down. "He told you to?"

She grits her teeth. "He wanted me to back off him and for Jean to back off you."

"What?" You ask. You heard her but you were just shocked by the new found information.

"God, you don't know shit, do you?" She laughs.

Your face grows cold and you turn to her slowly. "What are you, his bitch?"

Mikasa shoots up and grabs you by your collar, her face right in yours. "I'm not his bitch."

You don't flinch or even blink. Instead, you smile.

Your eyes burn into hers. "Then why did you listen to him? Why did you fuck with Jean's head like that? You knew it was wrong but you did it anyway."

She releases your collar and sits back down. "Why do you care Jean anyway?"

You fix your sweater. "I don't. I just think that's a really shitty thing to do. You fucked Jean cause you thought Eren would get jealous, right? And because of that Jean thought he actually had a chance with you."

Mikasa doesn't say anything so you continue. "It's funny. He did the same damn thing to me. Only thing different is Jean actually succeeded in his plan. You fucked Jean to make Eren jealous and Eren didn't even care."

"Jean didn't succeed in shit. I didn't care that he was messing around with you." She snaps.

"Clearly you did if you started paying attention to him when you knew he was mine. Well, actually, he wasn't mine to begin with." You admit.

She rolls her eyes. "You really believe he didn't fall for you at one point? Jean is pretty good at pretending but not that good."

"I know what I'm talking about." You snap. "The same way you felt about Eren, how you said it felt like he was thinking of someone else when he was with you, that is how I felt with Jean."

The two of you sit in silence. The sound of heavy breathing slowly going back to a normal pace from both ends.

Mikasa speaks up. "I love Jean. I do. But not in that way. Not like he loves me. Everytime he'd stop talking to me and get over me, it's not that I would get jealous, I would just miss being his friend. It was never anything more than that."

"I understand now how Eren feels about me because it's the same way I feel about Jean. He loves me but..." She bites her tongue hard and tenses up. "But not like he loves you."

She sighs. "You don't need to guilt trip me alright? I know I did a shitty thing by playing with Jean's feelings. He loves me and I used him for sex. I know it hurt him. Trust me, out of anyone, I should know because it's what Eren did to me."

You laugh. "I'm not trying to guilt trip you. I don't care about any of this anymore. If you want Jean or not, if Eren wants you or not. I don't give a shit."

"What's wrong with you? You have everything. You're beautiful, you're smart, you got the boy, you got friends, yet you don't even appreciate it." She says with disgust lingering in her voice.

You stand up and point a finger just a few centimeters from her nose. "I don't have shit! I had those things and couldn't even enjoy it because of people like YOU who like to make everyone as miserable as they are!"

Mikasa just stares up at you and watches you vent. There wasn't much she could say. Everything you were saying was true. Painfully true.

"I hate that I feel sorry for you! I hate that I feel sorry for Jean! None of you bitches deserve my pity because you didn't give two shits about my feelings until it was too damn late." You continue.

"I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me." Mikasa argues. "I know what I did and I'm disappointed in myself. I just came to apologize."

You grab your bag and step out from the table. "Apologize to Eren, not me. He's the one who is gonna have to be around you still."

Mikasa stumbles out from the table and heads after you. "Wait. You're leaving?"

You turn to her. "Yeah, I am."

She stands there speechless. She didn't even know how to react. She felt bad because she knew that part of the reason you were leaving was because of her and others.

But there was a tiny, tiny piece of her that found herself kinda happy.

That all faded away when she realized that even if you left, Eren wouldn't love her back.

You cross your arms. "What? Isn't that what you wanted? Me out of the way?"

It is what I wanted.

But there's no use. He still wouldn't choose me even if you are out of picture. He would chase after you.

Or was he planning on going with you?

She feels her heart jump when you practically read her mind. "Don't worry, I'm not taking Eren with me."

You step forward. "He's all yours again."

She stands there in shock. Was this actually happening? She was ready to admit defeat and that's why she came crawling to apologize but..

Why is it you who is waving the white flag?

But you had won.. He choose you. So why?

"He's not mine." Mikasa whispers. "He was never mine to begin with. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself he was."

You stay quiet for a moment, staring hard at her as she cowers her head. "Then I guess he belongs to no one."

Mikasa's eyes jolt open as her face still faces the ground. When her eyes adjust, she sees her black boots aligned in front of yours.

Hers were a bit cleaner than yours. Yours had small scratches here and there like they had already been owned for a while.

She found herself smiling a little that she atleast beat you at something.

She watches as your boots twists around and stomp on top of the dried leaves that rested underneath them as you begin to walk away.

She finally looks up and sees you stray further and further away from her. "Do you even love him?" She asks.

You pause and turn to face her. "More than I love myself."

A strong gust of wind brushes right between the two of you. Chills shoot up her spine sending goosebumps to dress her soft skin.

                                      ❧ y/n
You walk away from Mikasa and you can't really pin point what emotion you feel.

It was like you felt everything at once but also nothing at all.

You always wondered what it would feel like if Mikasa ever apologized to you and now that it happened, you realize it feels like nothing.

It didn't make you feel better nor did it even make the situation better in any way.

It was useless. Pointless.

Apologies are so fucking stupid.

You walk over to your next class and since you don't have a phone to check the time and because you were distracted by Mikasa, you were a couple minutes late.

Because of this, everyone stares at you when you walk in. Of course the one day you're late is the day you look like a literal zombie.

"Sorry." You mumble once Professor Ackerman shoots you a look for interrupting his lecture.

You walk over to an empty seat and set your bag down. The projector was on and he was talking about some book we needed to analyze and write a 5 page essay on it.

Thank God I'm getting out of here.

Before you know it, or maybe it's cause you were doodling in your journal the whole time, class is over.

You're about to exit when Professor Ackerman clears his throat. "Y/n. A word?"

You turn to him. "Yes?"

It's just you and him now in the now empty massive classroom.

He sighs and sips from a coffee mug. You try not to laugh when you see how strange he holds up the cup.

You point at the glass mug. "Green tea and honey?"

He chuckles and sets the cup down on the desk. "Of course."

His faint smile quickly disappears and you find your heart beat faster. "I wanted to discuss your grades and attendance with you."

You shake your head. "I know, I know. They're bad. But you have no idea how hard stuff has been. Well, always have been but lately it's just been beating my ass more."

"Getting shot can take a toll on someone, I'm sure." He admits.

You laugh. "That and a million other things. I'm not a bad student, I promise. Actually, I'm really fucking smart when it comes to school. My grades are always good it's just..."

"Bad timing. I understand. Life can be hard. If you need to take a gap year to get your stuff together, you should. Don't juggle too many things at once. Remember school will always be here, your life won't be." He preaches.

You laugh. "Aren't you supposed to be convincing me to stay in school?"

He laughs a little too. "I'm not saying drop out and never come back. But come back when you're ready. Don't let your grades suffer because you feel pressured to be here."

You look down at your feet. "I'm glad you said that because I actually just unenrolled."

He nods. "Sorry to hear that. Mental health comes first though."

You smile. "Thanks."

"Mmhm." He says sipping from the cup again. "Now get out of here."

You roll your eyes and grab your bag from the ground. You begin to walk toward the door but stop just before you're out of it. "Don't miss my face in class too much." You tease.

He lifts up the mug in his hand. "More like miss the person who makes my tea order everyday with the perfect amount of honey."

You grin. "I'll teach Floch before I go, don't worry."

He waves goodbye and you do the same. You surprisingly felt a little better. You no longer felt guilty for choosing your mental health. It was the right thing to do and he proved that.

You stop by your dorm to change into your uniform and then begin to make your way over to the main building.

You walk into work, tying your apron behind you. "Hey." You say as you approach the computer to clock in.

Floch nods. "Hey." You turn to him and sees he's squirming uncomfortably like he wants to say something but doesn't know if he should.

You frown and cross your arms. "What? You got something to confess to me too? Seems like everyone has something to say today."

He looks at the door a couple feet away which belonged to your manager Rico's office and then back at you. "Well first..."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls something out. Your heart drops for a moment.

"Is..that.." You say staring at the item that he holds out on his palm.

Floch nods. "He dropped it at the party. I tried to give it back to him but he didn't want it."

You can literally feel your heart crack all over again. Your heart that rested at the pit of your stomach.

He didn't want it.

"Oh." You say taking the velvet hair tie from him. It felt foreign in your hands. You hadn't held it in forever because Eren never took it off.

"I was gonna give it to you that night but you already looked pretty sad so I didn't wanna make you feel even worse." He admits.

That was probably a good idea. You couldn't even imagine how much worse you would've felt.

"He really didn't want it?" You ask. You immediately felt pathetic when you could hear the hurt in your voice.

Floch looks like he debating on telling the truth or to lie. You could visually see the internal conflict in his head.

"Your silence says all I need to know." You say shoving the scrunchie into the pocket of your apron.

Floch looks down at the ground. "I'm sorry, y/n."

You feel your eye twitch. If you have to hear that word one more fucking time.

"It's fine." You shake off. "Don't even worry about it." You force yourself to smile.

The last thing you wanted right now was for anyone to pity you or feel sorry for you. You were sick of being a burden.

The office door opens and Rico steps out. "Y/n, could you please come in here for a moment?"

You frown. "Uh, yeah sure." You turn back to Floch. "I'll be right back."

Before you turn away, you catch the look on his face. He knows why she's calling you in there and you can just tell by looking at him that it isn't gonna go well.

Great.

You step into her office and close the door behind you. She sits down in the chair and gestures for you to sit in the one in front of her.

"How are you feeling?" She asks. You're confused on why she's asking but then you remember you lied and said you busted your stitches open.

Or she's asking because you literally look like a dead person walking.

"I feel good. A lot better." You lie through your teeth. She clicks on her computer and then turns back to you. "Good. I'm glad."

There was so much tension in the small office. From her preparing how to give it to you easy and from you preparing yourself to not take it the wrong way and flip.

"So, I called you in here because I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go." She states.

I knew it.

You honestly weren't even surprised. In fact, it was probably long overdue. You had missed so many days of work that it came to a shock you even had a job here this long.

"I understand. I know I've missed a lot of days but it's just my life has been so-" You begin.

She frowns. "No, this isn't about you missing days. I completely understand your situation and truly, I 100% understand life can be a ginormous mess."

You blink at her. "So...if it's not about that, why am I getting fired?"

She sighs and twists in her rolling chair to face you more straight on. "We had a complaint from someone that you have been continuously rude to them every time they stop by the store and purposely mess up their order every time and when they said something to you about it, you spit in their drink."

You stand up from the chair. "WHAT?"

She looks up at you. "I don't believe it, I honestly don't see you doing that. Putting aside the missing days, you're a great employee and always get stuff done correctly. I love that about you."

"So then what's the issue?" You snap. "She's obviously fucking lying!"

You didn't mean to cuss and get loud but she's firing you anyway so who cares.

"I thought so too but unfortunately, the compliant wasn't made to me. It was made to the higher ups. So it's out of my control." She sighs.

"Higher ups? Who the hell-"

No.

She didn't.

"It was a blonde girl, wasn't it? Blonde, blue eyed, like two fucking feet tall? It was her, wasn't it?" You ask.

"I can't disclose that information, y/n. I'm sorry." Rico apologizes.

Sorry.

It didn't matter if she said yes or no. You knew it was her. It had Historia written all over it.

But why? You and Eren did as she said. So why the fuck was she still doing it?

Was this just a warning that she wasn't playing around?

Or did she somehow find out he went to the wedding to see you?

There's no way. How would she have found out? There was no one there that could have even-

The fight video.

Eren was right there besides the girls as the fight broke out. It was practically all over Twitter. There was no way she didn't see.

"It's fine." You say as you take a deep breath. You wanted to rage. You wanted to grab Rico's computer and throw it against the wall.

But you had to stay calm. No scenes. No drama.

After all, it isn't Rico's fault. Like she said, it was completely out of her control and she probably would get in so much trouble if she went against it and would probably lose her own job.

Before she can say anything else, you leave her office. The more you stayed in there, the more you felt yourself inch toward the edge.

Floch hands a customer their drink and then turns to you. His face weary. "You got fired, didn't you?"

You sigh and take a seat at the stool. "Yup. Can you hand me a water?"

He turns and grabs a bottle of water from the small fridge and hands it to you. You immediately begin to chug it. It felt like your body was running a high fever as it fought the urge to resort to violence.

"Man, it's gonna suck without you." Floch admits as he leans up against the counter.

You set the empty water bottle down. "We're friends, right?"

He frowns and proceeds with caution. "Right...."

You look him dead in the eye and he gulps. "Come here."

He inches slowly closer to you all while keeping a careful distance. When he's close enough to hear you whisper, he stops.

"If we're friends, we tell each other stuff, right?" You ask. He doesn't say anything.

"Right?!" You repeat. He grows more nervous. "Right."

"You know who it was. Don't you?" You ask.

He freezes up and slowly slides away from you. You grab his sleeve to stop him and lean over the counter. "It was Historia. Wasn't it?"

His eyes dart to the camera in the corner and then back to you. You roll your eyes. "Fine. You don't have to say it. Blink once for no, blink twice for yes."

He hesitates for a moment but gives in. He blinks once but then just a millisecond later, he blinks again.

I fucking knew it.

You release his sleeve and sit back in your chair.

[play Rage by Rico Nasty here 👹]

You start laughing hard. It was a dark, rough laugh. The kind the villains in movies do when they're about to go do some crazy shit.

Floch nervously chuckles along with you. "Uh, are you.. are you okay?"

You smile for the first time all day today. "I'm gonna kill her."

Floch's smile slowly fades as his face turns concerned.

You turn to look out the window and see the girl of the hour sitting pretty at the edge of the water fountain.

She was wearing a white blouse with blue jeans and a tan colored coat with a fur hood. Her blonde shiny hair was pulled up neatly into a ponytail.

It was almost like she was begging to be dragged by it.

You tear your apron off of you and throw it on the ground and you start to charge your way over there not hesitating one bit.

You're half way to the door when Floch stops you.

"Y/n, wait." He says grabbing your arm. He quickly lets go when he remembers you hate being touched. "Do you really think fighting Historia is gonna make you feel better?"

You look him dead in the eye. "Let's find out."

You shove the cafe's doors open and head straight for Historia.

"Hey Historia." You call. As much as you wanted to catch her off guard, you wanted to see her reaction to seeing you coming at her way more.

And you don't regret it at all when you see her already wide blue eyes grow twice in size.

Before she can even fully process what's happening, you grab a fistful of her ponytail and drag her off the edge of her seat.

She slips off fairly easy. Before her ass hits the ground, your fist meets her face hard mid air before she even makes impact with the grass.

When she finally lands on the floor, you hop on top and her and sit right on her waist as you start to hit her repeatedly again and again.

You hear someone call your name saying to stop or that that's enough or something like that but it sounds so muffled and distant that you can't really make out what they're saying or who was saying it.

You watch as more and more blood pools out of her face. Her arms make attempts to block your punches but they fail miserably as you're too quick.

You take a break from hitting her and grab a chunk of her hair from the top of her head to pick her head up and pull her toward you. "Keep my name out your fucking mouth."

Everything in your view was red. You weren't sure if it was just the anger and adrenaline clouding your vision or if some of her spilled blood found it's way into your eye socket.

"What's wrong?" You pout. "What happened to all that shit you were talking after I left the party? All those threats? You can say them to Eren but not me?"

Before she can answer, you're hitting her again. And again. And again.

You couldn't stop. More like you didn't want to. You had so much pinned up anger inside of you that was being held in and now it was finally be released.

Sucks for Historia that she's the one you had to take it all out on.

You lift her wobbly head up again so it's in front of your face again. "You can't threaten me bitch. I'm not scared of you or your daddy. Try to fuck up my life and I'll fuck yours too."

You pull her in even closer.

"I'll fuck your girlfriend too." You say in her ear as you pull her closer to your face, her blood smearing against your cheek.

You drop her head so it falls back on the grass and you lean forward. "I won't keep her a secret like you did either."

She laughs and blood spits out her mouth when she does. "You mean like you kept Eren a secret?"

You build all of your strength into this one last punch and it makes a gut wrenching sound when it collides with her face.

She's out right after.

You don't even wanna stop even though she's passed out. You still had so much anger inside you. You weren't finished.

Your fist comes back up and you hear some voices far in the distance that you can't quite recognize.

You only hear the one in your head.

Keep going. She deserves it.

Right before your fist makes contact with her face again, it freezes half way when you hear a new voice.

A new voice but it's not new. It's actually way too familiar. A voice you could recognize anywhere.

"Y/N!" The voice bellows.

You gasp and pull your fist away.

You take deep breaths as you try to steady your breathing as you stare down at her unconscious body.

Her face was drenched in blood and it was beginning to cake up in her tangled, dirty hair.

Oh my god.

You look up and see people you don't even know circled around you.

Great.

You search for a familiar face in the crowd and spot none except for two. Eren and Armin.

                                    ❧ eren
Eren slumped out of class, his backpack weakly hanging on to his shoulder by the one strap.

It took all his energy to come to school today and he honestly wouldn't have if there wasn't a quiz he had to take.

That and the small glimmer of hope inside him that maybe, just maybe, he'd bump into you today.

He hadn't seen you since the wedding and it was driving him crazy. The whole transition to seeing you everyday to practically never was brutal.

It was like an alcoholic or drug addict going "cold turkey" and just straight quitting without slowly easing into it.

But since the school day had started, it seemed he was out of luck. He would scan the halls and even went to your usual spot in the cafeteria with Sasha and Connie to look for you but you were nowhere to be found.

He even went to your spot at the tree but again, nothing. He felt kinda dumb looking around for you when there was a chance you weren't even here at all.

But he had to still try. Just in case.

He wished he could just call you or text you and ask you but you were as dumb as him and smashed your phone against a wall.

Only difference is he bought a new one right after and you didn't.

He found himself worrying. The last time he saw you he was carrying your overly drunk ass to your room and tucking you into bed.

That was the last he had seen or heard of you. He had been wanting to ask Pieck if she had heard from you but he didn't wanna bother her on her honeymoon and especially not about you because she'd instantly start to worry.

"Eren?"

For a spilt moment there, Eren found himself growing excited thinking it was you but he just as quickly pinned the voice to the right person.

He turns around and see Armin standing there, books in hand.

Eren stares blankly at him and then continues to walk away.

Armin jogs after him and steps in front once he catches up. "Okay yeah, I figured you were still mad."

Eren laughs but keeps walking. Armin struggles to keep up. "Eren."

Eren ignores him. It's not like he didn't miss Armin. He really, truly did. That was his best friend. The two literally knew each other since diapers. He has always known Armin's friendship.

But what he did was fucked up. He hadn't talked to him since that day. Even though he knew Armin probably doesn't know the whole story and was just trying to do a favor for Mikasa, it still pissed him off.

"Eren!" Armin shouts louder. Eren sighs and stops. "What?"

Armin sighs with relief. "Finally. Can you please stop walking away so I can talk to you?"

Eren holds out his arms in a "Here I am" type of gesture.

Armin stands awkwardly, not really sure how to begin. He walks more toward the side and gestures for Eren to follow him so they're both not in the middle of the sidewalk and in everyone's way. Also because it's more private.

"I know you're still pissed and you have every right to be." Armin starts. "I'm sorry, okay? Let me explain what happened."

For some reason, your face pops into his head when Armin says the word sorry. Probably because he knows you hate it so much.

He honestly found himself starting to hate the word too.

"Okay." Eren says flatly.

"Mikasa told me what you said at the party. That you loved y/n. Man, Eren, I had no idea. I honestly thought you were just fucking around with her like you do with everyone else. You know I would've never fucked with what you two had going on if I knew it was serious." Armin explains.

Eren frowns. "You shouldn't fuck with it period. What I do is my business. Just sex or serious. Doesn't matter."

Armin clears his throat. "I know that. I didn't want to do it but Mikasa asked for my help. She loves you Eren, I'm sure you know that already. You're my bestfriend but so is she. The idea of the two of you together makes me happy. Well, made."

"I don't love her back. I'm not gonna pretend to love her back. That's not fair to her. I care about her too much to do that to her." Eren states.

"I know. But she really did think you did. She somehow convinced herself you did because you would choose her over other girls. But then she heard you say you loved y/n and well, things obviously changed." Armin says.

"You gotta see it from her point of view. She's loved you her whole life. And all everyone ever says is that the only girl they can see you taking serious is her. Then you go and hit her up almost every night. It's bound to send the wrong message." Armin defends.

Eren sighs. "I guess."

"You can't even blame it on what happened with your parents because you two were messing around even before then. Your parents would even joke about you guys dating, remember?" He asks.

Eren says nothing. He did remember. But he never agreed to it. If anything he found it annoying.

As for the sex, he had lost his virginity to Mikasa because the two had said they wanted to lose it to people they trusted. Then after that Eren wanted to get better and he was obviously a horny teenager and Mikasa is a clearly hot girl so it obviously continued.

He never once said he liked her or had feelings for her. Never once brought up dating or going serious. So it's not like he was fucking with her head or leading her on.

But he could see from her end how it could seem that way.

"But you love y/n." Armin finishes.

Eren catches himself smiling as he pictures you in his head. "Yeah, I do."

Armin smiles a little. "You know, I never thought I'd see the day that you loved someone. You were just never the feelings type. Like everyone says, the closest to that for you was Mikasa but even then, it wasn't love love. Yeah, you love her and care for her but..."

He looks off in the distance. "Not like y/n." He chuckles and turns back to his tall, brunette friend in front of him. "Eren Jaeger is actually in love."

Eren laughs. "Yeah, yeah. Don't get wet over it."

Armin laughs too but then it slowly fades as he looks down at his shoes. "Eren, I really am sorry. Truly. If I would've known you loved y/n and you were serious about her, I would've never stepped in to help Mikasa. I would've even tried to convince her to let you two be. But honestly, if she knew too, I genuinely think she wouldn't have got in the way."

Eren looks at him, his face back to its normal serious state. "How do you know that?"

"She told me. She said once she heard you announce you loved y/n, she felt terrible. Not just because she realized you didn't love her because if were being honest, she sadly already has known that for years, but rather because she attempted to ruin your happiness." Armin explains.

"She was being childish and petty and wanted you to herself. She's a girl after all. A girl in love so she's bound to do immature stuff but because she thought y/n was just some girl on your hit list like the others." He continues.

Armin swings his backpack to the front and unzips it so he can set his books in there. "She really feels horrible. She loves you but she knows you don't love her back. Not in that way at least. She loves you so much that she's willing to let you go so you can be happy with the person you actually love."

He zips up the backpack when he's done and then swings it behind his back again. "She feels so bad that she actually went to go apologize to y/n about everything."

Eren's eyes shoot open. "Wait what? Like now? Like today?"

Armin looks confused which is rare because he's always so smart and aware of everything. Well, clearly not everything if he didn't even realize his bestfriend was in love. "Yeah. Why?"

"So she's here? At school? Today?" Eren asks eagerly. Armin shrugs. "I don't know, I haven't seen her. Mikasa just said she was gonna try to look for her but I have no idea if she found her or not."

Eren feels a wave of disappointment and his adrenaline goes back down. If the answer was yes, he was fully prepared to run laps around the university until he found you.

"Sorry if I got your hopes up." Armin says. Eren adjusts the falling strap on his shoulder. "It's cool. I'll see her eventually."

"You haven't seen her since the Halloween party?" Armin asks.

"I went to her sister's wedding this weekend. She was pissed but progress was made I guess you can say." Eren answers.

Armin laughs. "I bet. Did you tell her what went down? Mikasa filled me in on everything and man, Jean and Historia really went at you."

Eren scoffs. "Yeah. They did. And no, she didn't let me explain to her. She didn't wanna hear it."

Armin frowns. "Why not?"

Eren sighs. "Probably cause she knows it was gonna piss her off and she didn't be in a bad mood during the wedding. Honestly it's not even that part I'm worried about. I said some fucked up shit to her that crossed the line and I think that's why she doesn't wanna hear the story because she still hasn't forgiven me for it."

Armin scratches his head. "Was it that bad?"

Eren cringes. "Yeah, I went way too far but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time but now that I look back at it, it was just stupid and made things worse."

"Ah." Armin says. Eren shrugs. "She got revenge on me though. And mannn, she got me good. So i'm hoping we're even now and she goes easy and lets me explain everything."

Armin stares at Eren for a second, mentally analyzing him. "Man, I still can't believe it. When did you even fall for her?"

Eren thinks for a moment. "Well." He internally cringes when he realizes he's probably gonna sound so corny when he says this all out loud but it's Armin and he's been around long enough to see him say/do way more embarrassing things than this.

"I think I had a small crush on her when I went to the fair with her, Sash and Connie. It was small though but still foreign because I never felt like that. But then I hung out with her alone the next day. Remember that waterpark me and Jean worked at that one summer?" Eren explains.

Armin nods. "Didn't that close down?"

Eren nods back. "Yeah. It's abandoned now and that's where I took her to skate and smoke. I started seeing how much we had in common that night and that's when it started being more than a crush. I found myself wanting to spend even more time with her."

"But it wasn't until the camping trip where I really knew I liked her. It wasn't something I was unsure of anymore. I knew it. I had never wanted to kiss someone so badly and she wouldn't let me and man, it drove me insane." He laughs as he reminisces on that night. It seemed like so long ago.

"Holy shit. Since the camping trip?" Armin asks shocked. "It's been a while then."

Eren feels his face burn up. "Yeah. She definitely had my ass hooked for a hot minute without even giving me any kind of action. That's how I knew I really liked her. When I didn't care if she wouldn't let me fuck or kiss her, I just wanted to be around her because I liked having her around. I liked the way it made me feel."

Armin smiles and then looks down at his feet again as a brown leaf glides across the space between where Eren and Armin stand. "I can't believe I didn't notice."

Eren shrugs. "We hid it well. We didn't want anyone to fuck it up. We already knew the drama it would bring and look, we were right. It was perfect until people found out."

Armin shakes his head. "But still, I'm your bestfriend. I should've knew something was up. I mean, I noticed you were different. That you were getting better but since I didn't know about y/n and you, I just thought you were getting better all on your own."

"Don't beat yourself up over it." Eren says. "Actually, you should. Because even Sasha and Connie figured it out before you and you're supposedly the genius of the group."

Armin's disappointed pout turns into an annoyed expression. "Now I feel even more stupid."

Eren laughs. "It's fine. I'm kinda glad everyone knows now anyway so I don't have to hide it anymore. I can love her out loud finally."

Armin looks up from his feet to look at Eren. "So we're good? Because I really missed you, dude."

"Yeah. We're good." Eren sticks out his hand for Armin to shake and when he does, he grips it firm and hard. "But if you ever try to fuck with y/n's head like that again..."

He smiles. "I'll beat the shit out of you."

Armin laughs nervously. "Got it. I won't."

Eren keeps his smile and releases Armin's hand. "Then we're good."

Armin sighs with relief. "Well, that actually went a lot smoother than I thought."

Eren chuckles and sets a heavy hand on Armin's delicate shoulder. "I wouldn't relax just yet. The hardest part hasn't even begun."

Armin frowns indicating he's confused so Eren goes on to explain further. "You gotta apologize to y/n."

The blond gulps. "I'm kinda embarrassed to say this but I'm kinda scared to do that." He admits as he rubs the back of his neck nervously.

Eren laughs. "Take it from someone who has had to apologize to her before," He looks him right in the eye. "You should be."

All the color drains from Armin's face. Eren smiles. "Oh and one more thing. She hates, and I mean hates, the word sorry so good luck trying to find a way around that." He says patting Armin on the back as he begins to walk away.

Armin freezes for a moment, his back beginning to sweat before he speeds to catch up to Eren. "That's practically impossible. How can I apologize without saying sorry?"

Eren shrugs. "It's possible. Trust me." Armin looks down at the sidewalk as he walks along side the brunette. "Well, there's also the fact that's she's been gone for like a week. How can I apologize if she doesn't show her face anymore?"

Eren thinks for a moment. "Good question." The two continue to walk, the chilly breeze causing their hair to fly everywhere. "She'll show up eventually, I think."

"Really?" Armin asks. "How can you be so sure?"

Eren looks up at the sky. He searches for the sun but there's so many clouds in the way that he can't really see it.

"She has to eventually. She has all her stuff here. Whether she wants to or not, she's gotta show up here to get it." He explains.

He laughs a little to himself. "Knowing her though she'll probably come at night when no one is here so she won't have to bump into anyone. If she's here during the day it's probably cause her mom or Pieck forced her to."

"I'm guessing that's what happened because isn't that her right there?" Armin asks, pointing at a girl walking at a quick pace out the main building.

Eren's breathing stops for a moment. The two boys stop walking and watch as you charge toward someone.

They both look to see where you're headed and it all makes sense when they see the small blonde girl sitting at the edge of the water fountain drinking an iced coffee.

"Oh shit." Eren mutters. Armin watches closely. "Is what I think is about to happen gonna hap-"

And just like that you're grabbing a fistful of Historia's blonde hair and dragging her off her seat until she's on the ground and you're right on her, your fists making contact with her face repeatedly.

"What is-" Armin turns to Eren but Eren is already half way over to you.

                                   ❧ armin
Armin watches as Eren runs over to the girl he loves as she sits on top of Historia and continuously hits her.

He rushes behind him and he meets him there along with a whole bunch of other people who noticed and wanted to watch.

He notices some have their phones out and he realizes that it's not a good thing you're being recorded because it's proof you just beat the shit out of the owner of the university's only daughter.

He was surprised no one was even trying to stop the fight. Part of him knew it was because a lot of the people standing around knew Historia deserved it.

Armin loved Historia and cared for her but he couldn't deny that an ass beating for her was long overdue. She always acted like she was untouchable because of her money. Someone eventually had to humble her.

"WORLDSTAAAAAAAR!" Connie calls as he whips out his phone. Armin didn't even notice he had arrived.

"Don't record!" Armin tells him. "It can be used against her."

Connie frowns and points to the other four people with their cameras out. "Worry about them, not me. I'm not gonna show anyone. I'm recording this for me, I've been waiting for this day to finally come."

Armin turns to look at the rest of the people recording and he bites his lip as he internally panics. This could all go so wrong.

But then again, it didn't matter if these people had their phones out because the campus had cameras so either way, he knew you would get in trouble.

But something tells him you didn't care anymore.

He turns to Eren to see if he's worried about that too but Eren just watches with a smile on his face. He watches you with admiration and Armin isn't even surprised.

But the way he watched you. Armin could literally see it in Eren's eyes he was in love with you. Why did it take him so long to realize?

He had always been smart. Way too smart for his own good even. But for some reason, this slipped right past him.

"Hey Jaeger." Connie calls as he continues to record. "This looks exactly like how you beat Jean's ass at the party."

Eren recalls that night and starts laughing when he remembers that that is exactly how it went. He sat on Jean and pounded his fist into him over and over just like how you are doing now.

The cheers in the crowd come to an end when you stop hitting Historia and grab her by the top of her hair and pull her closer to your face.

They get quiet so that they can try to hear what you tell her but no one can. You drop her head and it falls back with no effort as Historia is already in a daze.

Historia coughs up a little blood as she laughs and says something back that is also super low because she can barely speak up but Armin was able to make out one word.

Eren.

Just as soon as the name leaves Historia's busted lips, your fist comes down with striking force that it caused Armin and everyone else to cringe as they can feel the practically feel the pain.

She's knocked out now and Armin is relieved that that means the fight will finally come to an end but his relief immediately vanishes when he sees your fist come up again.

Is she really gonna...

You were like Eren. You didn't know when to stop. When you two are angry, it's a blacked out rage.

Armin didn't see the fight Connie was referring to but he had seen Eren fight several times and knows how violent he can be. Someone had to pull him off everytime or he'd keep going until the person was dead.

So why wasn't anyone stopping you? Armin felt his stomach turn. Was he going to have to?

"Okay y/n, chill." Connie says, finally setting his phone down. But your fist still travels down and it's about to make impact until-

"Y/N!" Eren booms.

You gasp and freeze. You quickly pull your closed fist away from Historia.

Armin watches as your furious expression melts as your eyes meet Eren's. Then he watches as embarrassment washes over you when you see everyone staring at you.

You quickly stumble off Historia and wipe your bloody hands on your clothes. You kick Historia's leg and she groans as she starts to regain consciousness.

Once you see she is indeed still alive, you sigh and walk away, slipping past the crowd and right in between Eren and Armin, purposefully bumping Armin on the shoulder.

Eren doesn't hesitate to run after you and Armin debates whether he should too but he remembers that he still needs to apologize to you.

The two boys chase after you while you stomp away to what looks like toward the dorms.

Eren grabs your arm and spins you around. "Hey!"

"What?!" You snap. "What do you want?"

Armin looks down and sees Eren holding your hand. Even though you're yelling at him, Armin can tell you're holding on to his hand like you're desperately clinging on to it for help.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Eren asks. He lifts up the hand he holds to his face and looks at the damage.

You attempt to pull your hand away but Eren overpowers you and the fact that your body is drained and already growing sore makes it easier for him to do so.

"I'm fine." You say dryly. Eren rotates your hand he holds so delicately in his as he scans it. He then grabs the other and you allow him.

Armin found it incredible how just by Eren's touch and voice, you became a complete different person.

It was almost hard to believe you just beat a girl to unconsciousness just a few seconds ago.

"What happened?" Eren asks again. He uses the hem of his black t-shirt to wipe some blood away from your knuckles.

You wince as he accidentally grazes your scrapes. "She got me fired. She told my boss that I did all this stuff to her and spit in her drink. Not even my boss actually, my boss's boss."

"But why? We did what she said." Eren asks confused. You pull your hand away finally. "She saw you at the wedding. People recorded the fight and you came out."

Eren closes his eyes. "Shit."

"Yeah. Shit." You snap. "Your dumbass wasn't even supposed to be there."

"Well I had to see you. I needed to talk to you." Eren argues.

"At my sister's wedding? You couldn't wait like a normal person?" You ask.

"Nope."

You scoff and then turn to Armin and he can feel his heart drop to his stomach like he just went upside down on a rollercoaster loop.

You narrow your eyes and then turn back to Eren. "Why the hell are you with Armin?"

"He wants to say something to you." Eren says pushing Armin closer to you.

Armin stumbles and practically falls on to you but you step back not even letting him touch you. You cross your arms and stare at him as he tries to recollect himself.

Eren elbows him. "Go on."

"Uh..." Armin begins to stutter. He nervously looks at Eren for help but the boy doesn't take his eyes off the girl in front of him. "I-I just wanted to say that I.."

"Stop." You interrupt him. "Don't even."

You start to walk away and Armin panics. "Wait Y/n, I just wanted to say I'm sorry!" He rushes after you and grabs your arm. Eren's immediately eyes jolt open. "Armin!"

He knew Armin fucked up.

Two strikes. First he said your least favorite word while you were already in a bad mood and then you make matters worse he touched you which you hate more than anything.

You immediately turn around and push him hard and he stumbles back but Eren grabs him before he can lose his balance. "Don't touch me!" You shout.

"I don't wanna hear shit from you or anyone else. All day all everyone has done is fucking apologize. Sorry, sorry, sorry. All of you can take your fake ass apologizes and choke on them." You snap. "Leave me alone!"

"But-" Armin continues. "I really am sor-"

Eren hits him. "Stop saying sorry! What did I tell you?"

Armin turns to him. "How the hell am I supposed to apologize then?!"

"Don't!" You yell. "It's that simple."

Eren turns to you and approaches you with caution. "Look, he has some shit he needs to say and you should hear him out. You don't have to forgive him or anything, just listen."

You scoff. "Why the hell should I?"

"Because don't you want all this drama to go away? For things to get better and for our lives to be normal?" Eren asks.

"I really don't care." You hiss. "I'm not staying here anyway so I don't give a shit if people wanna fix things with me or not. I'm never gonna see them again."

Eren freezes. Armin turns to him and he swears it's like Eren stopped breathing for a second.

You wait for a moment for one of them to say something but they don't. You roll your eyes and begin to walk away.

Armin fully expects Eren to chase after you but he doesn't. "Hey?"

Eren just watches you walk further and further away. Armin shakes him. "Hey!"

Eren looks at him. "She's leaving."

Armin's heart aches for the boy in front of him. He could see the pain written all over his face. "Yeah."

Eren's eyes return back to where you were but you're long gone now. "I don't want her to go."

Armin shoves him and shoves him hard. He had never laid a hand on Eren before for the pure reason that he knew Eren was fully capable of beating the crap out of him but in this moment he didn't care. "Go after her then! Stop her! Don't let her leave!"

Eren blinks confused as he stumbles back. He was in shock and caught off guard by Armin's surprisingly strong strength.

Armin groans. "Do you want her to leave?"

Eren shakes his head. Armin points in the direction that you disappeared off too. "THEN GO!"

Armin could feel his heart beating rapidly as he felt his own adrenaline pump. He couldn't even imagine how Eren was feeling.

"Thanks." Eren says quickly before he takes off running.

Armin watches as the boy runs faster than he has ever seen him run. Running as if his life was depending on it.

And honestly? It kinda was.

❧ eren

Eren could feel the cool air fill up his lungs as he ran after you. He had a thick black hoodie and sweats on so his body quickly began to heat up.

He finally catches up to you and you're five seconds away from entering your dorm room, your hand hovering over the door handle.

"Y/n!" He calls from down the hall. You turn to him and quickly rush inside. He runs to the door and you attempt to close the door before he can come in but he jams his foot in the way.

You forcefully try to shut the door anyway and pain shoots up to his leg but he ignores it and pushes the door open.

He makes it inside and closes the door behind him. He stands against the door so you don't try to leave but instead, you run over to your room.

He grabs your arm so he can stop you. You spin around and yank your arm from his grip. "Fuck off!"

"What do you mean you're leaving?" He asks.

You frown. "What the fuck else could I mean by that? I'm leaving for good, forever!"

[play IFHY by Tyler, The Creator here]

"For...good?" Eren asks.

"For good." You say firmly.

He couldn't really explain what he was feeling. There was a heavy pain on his chest like as if his lungs had just collapsed.

You hadn't even left yet but it already felt like you had. He couldn't really recognize the person in front of him.

You look similar to how he saw you in that hospital bed for those four dreadful days hooked up to wires and machines.

For some reason, he felt like you looked worse now though compared to then. Back then, he knew you were fighting to keep going. To keep living.

The person he was staring at now didn't look like she had much will to do that anymore.

He couldn't get it out of his head. He couldn't picture you somewhere else where he wasn't.

Somewhere far away surrounded by people he doesn't know. Somewhere where you'd meet someone else. Someone who wasn't him.

Somewhere where he wouldn't be able to look after you and make sure you're okay. The fact that your dumb ass still doesn't have a phone made his blood boil at an alarming rate. He wouldn't even be able to communicate with you at all.

Not like you'd answer him anyway if you did.

He really didn't want you to leave. He wanted so desperately for you to stay as selfish of him as that may be.

He had to say something. Something to convince you to stay.

"I love you."

You lean in closer to his face and look him dead in the eye. "I don't care."

His heart drops to his stomach. He looks at you and yearns for you to laugh or say you're joking but your face is firm and serious.

"You don't mean that." He says softly.

"Does it look like I'm joking?" You say.

He refused to admit that's how you felt. There's no way.

You were probably doing the same thing he did to you. You were trying to push him away and make him hate you so it would be easier for you to leave.

He just knows that's what you're doing. You wanna leave to run away from all the drama and problems and you feel like it'll be easier to walk away and leave him behind if he hates you.

The two of you were much too alike. He knew what you were doing because it's something he'd do.

Something he had already done.

He knew you loved him. He knows you do. So why does it hurt so damn bad when you act like you don't?

You love him. Right? I mean, after everything you stayed by his side. The two of you know each other better than anyone. You love him.

But do you really? He has admitted it and said it out loud but..

You haven't.

I mean, he had never been so sure of something but yet he still found himself doubting it. It was driving him crazy.

He groans and grabs your shoulders and shakes you. "You're fucking with my emotions. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Fucking cry about it." You say pushing him away and backing away from him.

His skin ignited into flames and his jaw clenches.

"You're such a fucking bitch." He snaps. You spin around. "The fuck did you just call me?"

He remembers that was the first thing he ever called you the night of his party.

"Shut up, bitch. Move. Or I'll move you."

He remembers your eyes bursting wide open and your mouth dropping but you simply just moved to the side.

That was back when you were pretending to be someone else. The nice, friendly girl.

Now you weren't pretending.

You were up in his face, your face furious and eyes burning with rage.

He could tell this is how you would've reacted to him saying that that night if you weren't trying to hide who you really were.

This was who you were. The girl he loves more than life itself.

"Don't you dare fucking leave." He warns. You scoff and walk toward your room. "Watch me."

"Why the fuck do you wanna leave so bad, huh? You hate Marley so why do you wanna go back? You going for someone? Colt? Gojo?" He presses.

You turn to him. "Shut the fuck up, Eren. You sound stupid."

He steps in front of you as close as he can possibly get. "I already told you what will happen if another guy touches you. I'll fucking kill him."

"Fucking psycho." You spit. You try to turn away but he stops you again. "What? You're telling me you wouldn't go crazy if some other girl came on to me? I know you would. You're just as crazy and possessive as I am."

You smack your lips. "I don't care."

His face inches closer to yours. "Picture me fucking someone else."

"I. DONT. CARE!" You scream in his face.

He felt himself getting angrier. You knew how to get on his last nerve better than anyone.

He wanted you to care. He needed to see if you still did. He couldn't figure out if you did or not and he needed to know.

Even if it was gonna hurt.

"Picture me fucking Mikasa." He spills.

You gasp and step back. He immediately knew he fucked up but the purpose of him saying that was served when he can see the hurt all in your face.

Little does he know it hurts even more now that Mikasa told you everything.

"Fuck you." You say quietly. You take a couple steps back as your eyes gain a curtain of shine to them.

The pain in his chest tightens. As much as he was glad to see you still cared, it pained him to see you hurt. He immediately regretted it.

You shake your head and your eyes glisten even more. Tears were on the verge of spilling everywhere. He can tell you were trying your hardest not to cry in front of him.

"Come on, baby. I didn't mean that. I was just saying so you could understand where I'm coming from." He say slowly inching closer to you with his hands out.

You keep backing away, your eyes filled with tears and betrayal. Each step back you take, the more your eyes water.

You look down at his hands and it looks like you're in fear of him touching you. Like he was some stranger and you didn't want him anywhere near you.

Then it hits him. You don't trust him anymore like you used to. You saw him differently.

"I'm sorry..." He slips out. His heart skips a beat when he hears himself. "Fuck."

He went from being the person who could take away your pain and worries away with just a touch to being the person who you would no longer allow his skin to meet yours.

"Get away from me." You cry. He stops moving. He wasn't sure what to do anymore.

Part of him thought he should leave and give you your space but if he left, it means he failed and you would be gone forever. He didn't want that.

But what was he supposed to do if he stayed? He couldn't calm you down like he used to. It didn't work that way anymore.

"Come here." He says arms extended. You shake your head and step further back, bumping into the TV in the living room.

He knew he just needed to hug you. The same way he did at the wedding and how you instantly relaxed. But it seemed impossible this time.

It seemed like it was only getting harder to understand you. Harder to break past that tough exterior you held up so defensively.

"I can't believe you said that." You tell him. He feels an invisible punch to the gut. "I know.. I'm sor- I regret it, okay?"

You press your hands over your ears. "God, shut up! Get out! You're making my head hurt!"

When you close your eyes, two tears fall from each eye. "I just need quiet. I need everyone to stop talking."

Everyone?

He looks around the dorm just to double check he's the only one in there and he is. Just the two of you alone.

"What?" He asks. "Y/n, are you okay? Talk to me."

You squeeze your eyes harder and press your palms even deeper into sides of your skull, pressing your ears shut. "Shut up." You whisper.

"Huh?" He steps closer to you as quietly as possible while your eyes are closed. The closer he gets he hears you whisper the same thing over and over.

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

He stays quiet to see if you keep doing it. He wanted to see if it was him you so desperately wanted to shut up.

But you keep going.

"Please stop." You cry. "God, why won't they stop?"

They?

It didn't even sound like you were asking him. It sounded like you were asking yourself. Like you were asking someone in your head why he and everyone else was bothering you.

He had no idea what was going on inside your head or even in general and it was scaring him. He felt like you were losing it. Like you were going crazy.

And then it hits him.

Flashback:
One of the many nights you spent at his house, you had vented to him about your dad. The two of you sat by his pool and smoked a blunt while staring at the stars.

You had opened up to him about how you would've never saw his suicide coming. How your dad was always smiling and laughing, never showing any side of sadness.

Then you had pointed out that the one thing you always found weird is that your dad always talked to himself.

You would always catch him randomly whispering to himself like he was arguing with someone yet no one was around.

At first you found it funny. You were a child so you didn't know any better. Everytime you would ask him who he was talking to he would say, "To myself. Sometimes you need to ask a real one for advice."

You would laugh and he would laugh along with you. But as you got older, you began to notice other things.

You would say one thing to him and he would hear another. Or you would be dead silent and he would ask if you said something.

He always played loud music or wore earphones. He hated quiet. Always needed something in the background making noise or else he'd go crazy.

Sometimes it wasn't even whispering. He would just start straight up talking out loud.

And it always sounded like he was arguing. Like he was telling someone to shut up.

You had ignored it because you just thought he was being funny. He was a humorous person, probably the funniest person you knew so you never took any of it serious.

"I think he was bipolar." You had said while swishing your feet around in the water as he sat next to you, the blunt in his mouth. "Or schizophrenic. Or maybe had borderline personality disorder. Who the hell knows."

Eren took his hit and then passed the blunt to you. "Really?"

You nodded and took the brown rillo from his finger tips. "Yeah. I think bipolar. He had all the signs but what the hell do I know, I'm not a therapist or doctor."

You stared at the blunt between your index and thumb, the small line of smoke trailing up from the lit end. "I wish we would've took him to one so we could find out."

You took a long hit that he could tell you were trying to see how long you could hold it for. "Maybe they would've caught everything else too. We could've probably saved him."

He watched as you blew smoke out your mouth. You weakly shrugged. "Or they would've just made him worse. Who knows."

"Probably worse." Eren admits. He honestly didn't know what would've happened but he just wanted to make you feel better for not taking him to one even though it wasn't your fault.

"Did you know disorders are genetic? So, I'll probably be batshit crazy like him one day if not already." You laughed off.

You brought the blunt between your pretty lips and sharply inhaled. "So if you ever catch me whispering to myself, take me to the doctor."

You exhaled a gray cloud of smoke. "Or actually...don't. They'll just end up giving me some meds and I want to stay away from that."

You held the blunt up to him and smiled. "Unless it's this. I'll definitely keep up with my medication if it's this."

The two of you laughed because it seemed funny at the time. Eren had thought you had already inherited the anxiety and depression, he didn't think it was possible to get everything else.

But maybe he was wrong. Maybe you had predicted it without even realizing it.

Present:
"Just calm down." He says.

He sees you flinch. "What did you just say?" You croak.

He frowns. "I said just calm down."

"That's not what you said. You said just kill yourself." You shake.

"What the fuck? No I didn't. Y/n..why would I say that?" He asks.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID I HEARD YOU!" You scream.

What the fuck is she talking about?

He had to recollect his thoughts and make sure what he said was what he said and he knows for a damn fact he didn't say fucking kill yourself so where the hell did you get that from?

Were you... on drugs again? Or was it like you said about your dad? Were you... hearing voices?

"You're hearing shit because that's not what I said." Eren states. "Are you on something?"

You gasp and cover your mouth. "No! No, no, no. I-"

Your hand slides up from your mouth to your forehead and you look down at the ground like you're trying to remember something. "I didn't take it. I..."

"What are you talking about?" Eren asks.

"I swear I spit it out! Or.. atleast I thought I did." You say. You cower your head and dig your nails into the sides of it. "God, I can't tell what's real or not anymore."

Eren watches you with confusion. "Y/n..."

"What the fuck is happening to me?" You sob as the dam in your eyes finally breaks.

He didn't know what to do. Was this you finally cracking? Were you going crazy?

He had made jokes about you being bipolar several times but he never meant it seriously. Even though sometimes it seriously felt like you were.

Your mood swings gave him whiplash. One second you were crying your eyes out the next you were begging him to fuck you and then after that you were screaming and arguing.

But he never actually thought it was something serious. Never thought you'd be hearing voices saying to kill yourself.

You crouch down and cover your face. You were sobbing uncontrollably now. "I didn't take it, I swear! I spit it out! I crushed it under my boot."

You sit on the floor and rip the black boot off your foot and look at the bottom. "There's no powder on it. I don't think I really did it."

Eren just watches in a paralyzed state. He had no idea what to say or do because he had no idea what the hell you were even talking about.

Spit out what? Crushed what?

"But I did a lot of walking and the grass is wet so maybe it came off right?" You ask. Again, he thinks you're asking him but you're looking down at the ground like you're only talking to yourself.

"I gotta make myself throw up." You say quietly.

Eren panics. "What? What the hell are you talking about? No, don't do that!"

"I have to!" You yell and look up at him. Your eyes meet his and they dilate as you realize that voice actually came from an actual person in the room with you and not in your head.

You both stare at eachother in silence for a good 10 seconds and then you suddenly make a break to your room, running at full speed.

He takes off too and beats you to it, slamming your door shut and standing in front of it.

"Move or I'll fucking move you." You demand through gritted teeth. He laughs when he catches the similarity which only makes you angrier.

"Get out. Now." You demand.

"No." He says bluntly. You reach for the doorknob but he gets in the way. "GET OUT!"

"I'm not gonna let you just pack your bags and leave! Not without me atleast." He stands his ground.

You blow air through your nose as you try to calm down. "I don't want to go anywhere with you. Leave me alone and get. the. fuck. out."

"No. I'm not gonna leave you alone. Especially like this." He says, hands signaling to your body.

"GET OUT!" You point at the front door.

"I'm-"

"EREN GET OUT OR I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!" You scream.

He flinches and shuts his mouth. The whole room goes dead silent. The front door opens and Hitch stands there, confused.

You look at her. "Tell him to leave."

She frowns and then turns to Eren. "I don't know what you did but you need to go."

"But Hitch you don't understand. She-" He begins.

She sighs and sets her bag down. "Eren just go. If she wants you to leave, you gotta leave. Come back later, just give her space."

He balls up his fists as he hesitates. He looks at you one last time but you stare down at the ground avoiding contact. "Fine."

He walks out the dorm and slams the door shut behind him.

                                      ❧ y/n
Hitch watches as the door practically slams in her face and then turns to you, her eyes looking at you up and down. "What the hell happened to you? You look even worse than when I last saw you."

You ignore her. She frowns and points at you. "Is that..." She steps closer. "Blood? On your shirt?"

Her finger inches closer to you and you smack her hand away and step back. "Don't."

Hitch tosses aside your warning and continues to approach you. "Why do you have blood all over you? Did someone hurt you? Was it Eren?"

You sigh. "It isn't my blood."

Hitch finally stops in front of you and her eyes grow big. "Sorry, what? Whose is it then?"

"I'm gonna take a nap." You grumble as you turn away from her. "Do NOT bother me."

"Y/n. Wait." She calls but you close the door and lock it.

You stand beside the door with your hand resting on the door knob for a few seconds just in case Hitch wants to pull some slick shit and pick the lock.

But there's nothing. No sound. No movement. Only the disappearing sound of footsteps and the sound of a door closing in the distance.

[play New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala here]

You sink to the floor, your back running along the door.

With your knees up to your chest, you bend slightly to rest your forehead on them with your face down.

"I'm so tired." You whisper into the quiet room. You wanted to shower because you felt disgusting but you didn't want to leave this spot.

You felt heavy and weak. You sit in the quiet for a while and try to calm your thoughts.

It was like your mind was working twice as hard and on overtime. You couldn't control the thoughts that overlapped one another.

You lift your head slightly and the shining sun blinds you causing your eyes to sting and head to pound.

You groan and cover your face with your hands. You pause when you can literally feel how dirty your hands are as soon as they touch your skin.

You pull them away and hold them up to your face. "Ew."

You completely forgot what happened pre run in with Eren. You rush to the restroom and start to scrub hard at your hands.

Fuck.

You scrub with more force as you feel yourself grow angrier.

Why the hell did I do that?

You scrub even harder without even realizing it and your cuticles grow raw and sensitive. Your chest tightens as you watch your shaky hands run under the water, the water underneath it turning shades of pink.

How many times have seen this scene before you? It seems like you can count all the times you've been in this exact position.

Dirty and cut up hands running under cold water as you shake with anger. It was always something back then.

You look in the mirror and see someone you don't miss at all.

Not this again. Please not this.

The person you hate keeps returning. Little by little. Piece by piece. Trait by trait.

Sometimes you don't even catch yourself. It's like small dejavú moments that remind you of unpleasant times.

You tried to change, to do things differently. To be someone else. But every damn time, the true you overpowered any version of yourself you tried to create.

Was this really you?

Were you finally realizing who you truly were?

You stare at yourself in the mirror. You weren't satisfied with her. In fact, you couldn't stand to look at her.

She made you sick.

And she was you. She is you.

It's a terrible feeling to look in the mirror and want to murder the person staring back at you.

The person you were looking at was you at your absolute lowest. Back when you had just endured nothing but traumatic experiences.

"No, no, no." You say as you begin to wash your face. You were furiously rubbing the water around as if it could wash away everything.

"I changed. I'm better now." You say as your hands continue to rub harshly at your face.

You quickly pat your face dry with the towel that hung on the wall and you start to panic walk around the room.

You knit your hands together on the top of your head as you pace back and forth. "Shit, shit, shit."

You shut your blinds and turn off the lights so that it's darker in the room. You close your eyes and cover your ears and try to calm your breathing.

As hard as you try, it doesn't work. There were a million different voices in your head right now trying to convince you that they knew what was best for you.

Best for everyone.

It was a literal war in your mind. Half of the voices saying to grab your things and disappear, right here, right now. To not overthink it and run like you always do.

The other half was saying to stay. Stay here with Hitch and Sasha and Connie.

With Eren.

The other voices were saying things that haunted you. You knew you had a dark sense of humor but the things they were saying were sinister.

Why run away to another place? That's a temporary fix.

Just die. That's forever. You won't have to worry about anything else ever again.

"Stop." You cry. You scan the room for anything to distract you with noise so you aren't just left with the overwhelming scattered sounds.

You grab your laptop and rush over to Spotify to play some music. You play the first song you see and then sit back.

You wait and wait for the song to drown out the voices but it doesn't. You stab at the volume button to make it louder but even at full blast, the voices never left.

They just got louder.

I just gotta leave. I'll be out of sight and leave somewhere far, far away like I always dreamed of.

Far, far away. Alone forever. Where no one can ever find me.

Maybe a new state. Maybe a new country. I'll try again.

Third time is the charm, after all.

I'll be a brand new person and start over.

Again? You'll make the same mistakes there too.

I'll make better choices this time.

There's a whistle noise that comes from the computer and you recognize the sound as a twitter notification.

You ignore it and focus on your breathing but the sound repeats.

Over and over.

You groan and grab the computer and set it on your lap as you sit down on the bed.

You see that your notifications are blowing up. You feel your heart drop for a moment and it begins to pound.

You click on the next notification that appears and it takes you a video.

You watch with your hand over your mouth. The video of you beating up Historia was starting to make its way around to everyone.

The likes kept going up each time you blinked. You scroll to the comments and immediately regret it.

Most were hyping you up saying Historia deserved it and then there was some saying your life was definitely over.

Both were true.

You scroll and scroll and see everything you missed from all the way back to the Halloween party and you're overwhelmed with all the information you consumed all at once.

You gasp and slam the laptop shut. You stand up from your bed. "Fuck."

You stumble backwards all the way until your bump into your desk. When you make impact, you knock down some of the belongings that rested on the top shelf.

You quickly attempt to catch one of the falling objects before it hits the ground and you look down at your hands to see what you caught.

It's a picture frame that held a picture of you when you were younger at the beach. You're on your dad's shoulders and your mom is smiling on the side with sunglasses on.

You run your index finger along your dad's face. He was probably at his worst in the photo but he was still smiling and looking up at you perched on his shoulders.

Like father, like daughter.

One fighting demons and the other growing up to live a life filled with regrets

You felt yourself starting to grow angry. Angry at him.

He passed it down to you. Whatever fucking disorder he had, it now belonged to you.

You could've been normal. Could've had your shit together. Could've been happy.

It's all his fault I'm like this.

"Don't say that. It wasn't his fault." You argue out loud.

Okay then it's hers.

"I'm nothing like her."

Look at her. Smiling like she's happy when she's actually miserable on the inside.

Your small hand was wrapped around her finger as you held on to her. Your dad looking up at you and you staring down at your mom. A perfect, loving family.

Your eyes study hers in the photo. They were bright and cheerful. Her smile was big and cheesy. She genuinely looked happy.

But she wasn't. It was an illusion. A smile created to distract from the truth.

Just like you. Smiling when you're not happy.

You're just like her.

"I'm nothing like her." You snap. "She's a horrible person."

Did you forget?

So are you.

"Shut up!" You throw the frame straight at the mirror across the room and the glass completely shatters everywhere.

"Shit!" You rush over to the broken shards of reflective glass. They were practically scattered across the whole room.

You kneel down and begin to pick up the glass piece by piece without cutting yourself but it's hard because your hands are trembling.

From the corner of your eye, you catch the sunlight from the open curtains reflected on a large shard of glass that still clung on to the mirror's frame and you catch your face in it.

It was disoriented. It looked like your face was a Picasso painting. You couldn't recognize yourself.

Not that you could before it broke.

You hiss and look down at your hand and see your palm split open. "Fuck!"

The blood didn't hesitate to spill out. You quickly stand up and rush to the restroom.

You turn on the faucet and stick your hand underneath the running cold water.

It wasn't deep enough to need stitches or something but it was definitely gonna leave some kind of scar.

You grab some soap just to clean the area and continue to wash the cut. You switch the faucet off and shake your hand in the air so it can dry.

You don't even bother to wrap it up or actually dress the wound properly like you always do. You just dab it with a couple pulls of toilet paper to stop the bleeding temporary.

You stomp back into your room and forcefully yank out your luggage from your closet and some other boxes and bags.

"I gotta get the fuck out of here." You say to no one in particular. You start pulling out the clothes from your closet that hung perfectly from their hangers.

You don't even attempt to fold them nicely, you just shove everything in there. You grab everything you can and try to make everything fit as best as possible.

Am I really doing this? Am I running away again?

As stubborn as you were, you were always quick to run away. Half of you, the most hard headed part, wanted you to stay. Rub it in everyone's face that they couldn't run you off. That you were here to stay whether they liked it or not.

But the other part..

You need to run further this time. Farther where no one will ever find you. That's the only way you can start all over.

You squeeze your eyes shut.

But I'm leaving everyone behind.

Don't worry, they're better off without you.

You sit on top of the luggage to push it down and so that it's easier to zip up. You stand back to look at the overly stuffed luggage, full duffle bag, and spilling cardboard box.

There's sound of glass crunching underneath your boot but you ignore it.

You stare at the packed up belongings waiting on your bed. You look around and see that there's still so many things you need take but didn't fit.

You tell yourself you'll just come back for it later but honestly? You just wanted to leave it all behind.

Rule number one about leaving and running away is to pack light. Try to not bring stuff from your past life. That's defeats the purpose of starting brand new.

Rule number two, leave out of sight and out of mind. Just disappear into thin air without saying goodbye to anyone so you avoid the risk of anyone changing your mind.

Third, erase all the good memories in your mind and keep the bad ones. It's easily to leave everyone behind when you only feel hatred.

It was easy for you. You had done this before. It was easy to pack your things and just leave to another place away from the hectic city life.

Easy to leave without anyone realizing. When you left Marley, you didn't tell anyone. You applied for Paradis University without telling anyone and then just packed your shit and left the second you got accepted.

And no one cared. No one fought for you to stay or was even mad or sad you left.

It was easy to leave them all behind. They were all such terrible people that it wasn't hard to make yourself only feel hate for them. The hate already burned inside you.

For here, it's harder. It was hard to hate people like Sasha and Connie who have never given you a reason to. Hard to hate Hitch who even though she had a good reason to hate you, she didn't.

And as much as you swore you did...

You just couldn't hate Eren Jaeger.

Pieck even pops into your mind. You had left her behind before when you left Marley and it was easy. You hated her back then.

But now, it was rather difficult. The two of you had become close. Scary close.

An actual sister bond.

Even Porco made you feel guilty when you picture the two coming home from their honeymoon and finding out you just disappeared into thin air.

Or when they finally have children and you're no where to be found.

It was better to leave without saying goodbye. All of them would try to convince you to stay and that's not what you wanted.

You wanted to leave, you felt the life drain out of you the more you stayed here.

You just wished you could take them along with you.

But it was unfair to strip them of a place that does them no harm. Unfair to force them to run away with you just because you're weak.

Maybe it was selfish of you to run away. You can practically hear them calling you that now.

But in all honesty, as selfish as it may look on the outside, it's actually an act of selflessness.

You were removing yourself from their lives before you somehow manage to make it worse like you always do.

You were selfish for leaving but also selfish for staying. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

You walk over to Hitch's room. Her door is closed so you knock but there's no answer. Twisting the doorknob as quietly as possible, you peek inside and see her fast asleep with airpods on.

She's a heavy sleeper and she also always sleeps with music playing so once she's out, she's out out.

You tip toe into her room and grab the phone that rested on the nightstand beside her bed. You hold it up to your face and see her music is still playing.

It'll stop when you make the call and she'll hear everything in the head phones so you quickly disconnect her airpods and pray she doesn't wake up from the sudden silence.

You wait for a moment and when you see she is indeed knocked out already, you dial your mom's number and creep out the room to be a little quieter.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end answers.

"Mom."

It actually made you wanna gag calling her that now. Not that you were ever actually a fan of it to begin with.

"Y/n? Whose phone are you using?" She asks.

"Doesn't matter. Can you pick me up? I'm not staying here." You say flatly.

You can practically see her face right now through the phone. "Don't you have a car?"

You grit your teeth. "I can't find my keys. I haven't driven my car in weeks because Eren would take me everywhere."

There's a long silence on the other end. You roll your eyes. She made it way too painfully obvious she didn't wanna come for you.

"If you don't take me, I'm going on a bus with allll my stuff and probably get robbed or I don't know stolen." You snap.

She groans. "Alright." And hangs up just as quick.

You sigh and watch as the call disappears off the screen and returns to Hitch's lock screen. It was the picture you took of her and Marlowe at the halloween party.

You stare at her face as you smile a little when you see how happy she looks in it. You had only met Marlowe probably three times before and didn't know too much about him but from the few encounters you've had, you knew he was a good person.

You could literally tell. He was actually really cool and actually could just talk and talk about nonsense which is perfect for Hitch cause she can talk for hours too.

You walk back into her room and connect the bluetooth to the airpods once again to resume her music.

You smile when you see Hitch's silk fuchsia sleeping eye mask reads Fuck Off in pretty pink cursive writing.

You didn't plan on saying goodbye to anyone. You just wanted to disappear.

But something felt wrong leaving Hitch without a goodbye. I mean the two of you live together. You share a home.

Shared.

And after everything, all the times she's been there for you, it just felt cruel to not say it.

You carefully lean over and kiss her on the head. "Bye Hitch. I'll remember you forever." You whisper. "Thanks for everything."

You exit out her room and gently close the door behind you. Now it felt wrong you only said goodbye to her and not everyone else.

You felt bad for not saying goodbye to people like Floch, Connie and Marco who never did anything wrong and who were proof not all men are absolute pieces of shit.

For not saying goodbye to Sasha, who was also always there for you. Who defended you and supported you always, all the way from the beginning.

Who looked so damn hurt and angry when you told her you were leaving.

But she didn't look as hurt as...

Eren's face pops into your mind now. It felt shitty to leave without saying goodbye to either but you really didn't want to.

Saying goodbye to people was always hard. You couldn't imagine having to say it to Eren.

More like you didn't want to.

But you had to. You had to remove yourself from everyone. Everyone was right. You were messing everything up.

You were the parasite who ruined everything.

-

You wait on the same bench you laid at this morning when your mom dropped you off, your bags beside you.

The sun was setting now and the sky grew darker and darker. You lean your head back so that you're facing straight up.

You tilt your face to the side and see the sun slowly disappearing underneath the horizon greedily taking along all the color with it.

You turn to the other side and see the moon slowly begin to illuminate, stars quietly mimicking.

On the brighter side of the sky laid the sun, on the darker side resided the pale moon.

And there you were sat in the middle. Alone of this bench.

It was funny. The sun was setting toward the direction of the parking lot where you mom would soon appear.

The moon was toward the direction of the school, practically hovering over it.

It was ironic. It was kinda like the sky was giving you a sign. A choice.

Follow the sun and leave this all behind.

Or follow the moon and stay here.

To make things funnier, you were the sun and Eren was the moon. If you were to follow the sun, it was like you were choosing yourself.

If you choose the moon, you stay with Eren.

You close your eyes and keep your head balanced in the middle.

I'm going to count to 30. If she's here by then, I'll leave. If she's not, I'll stay.

1. 2. 3...

You continue to count in your mind. You found yourself counting a little bit fast and you knew it's cause there was a small part of you that wanted the seconds to fly by before she got here so you could stay.

14. 15. 16...

It's cheating. You had to count normally. It was up to fate now.

21. 22. 23...

Please don't be here. Take your time. Get stuck in traffic.

26. 27...

But then again. I need to leave. I can't stay here.

28. 29.

There's a loud honking noise and your eyes jolt open as your body jumps. You sit up and see your mom's car exactly where she left you this morning.

Well there's that. It was fate.

You lazily get up and grab your stuff to take along with you.

[play Time Moves Slow by BADBADNOTGOOD here]

You toss your belongings in the backseat and slip into the passenger, slamming the door shut behind you.

"So I guess you decided you're not staying?" She asks. You slide the seatbelt across your chest. "Please stop."

She drives off and it's quiet for a few minutes until she speaks. "This isn't gonna solve your problems, you know? You're just running away from them."

You shrug and look out the window. The condensation stuck to the glass causing it fog up. "Running away is easier." You say as you wipe your hand across to clear to the way.

Your mom scoffs. "Taking the easy way out like always."

"I am my father's daughter after all." You grumble.

From the new paved passage on the window that was created by the swipe of your hand, you can see a peek of the moon.

When you were a child, you used to always think the moon would follow you everywhere. You loved car rides at night because of that.

You would point at the massive glowing rock and tell your parents, "The moon is following us!"

A couple years later you went from "the moon is following us" to "I think the moon is in love with me."

None of that was true, of course. You later found out that the moon stays put and that it's you who moves about.

But that took all the fun away. The magic. The romance. So you continued to believe that the moon was always chasing after you.

And for the first time ever...

The moon never seemed so far away.

"Maybe he was on to something." You wonder aloud.

"What did you say?" She asks. "Y/n, don't say things like that."

You snap your head toward her. "Or what? Huh? You can't do anything about it. I'll be dead and you'll just continue to live your life like you did when he died."

"No, I wouldn't. That was different." She tells you.

"HOW WAS IS IT DIFFERENT?!" You yell. "Tell me!"

She says nothing but her new found demeanor just showed that she was regretting her words.

You shake your head and look back out the window. "I'm so tired of this."

You whisper the next part under your breath. "Living is so fucking exhausting."

"Are you sure about leaving everything behind? Do you really think this is the right choice?" She asks.

What do I know about making right choices?

You say nothing so she continues. "You think you'll be happier in Marley?" You weren't happy there in the first place. What do you think will change?"

God, stop talking.

But then again, she's right.

You weren't happy in Marley. And now you're not happy in Paradis either.

Everywhere you went. You destroyed everything you touched. Bad things followed you everywhere and because of that, you were unwanted.

Better off alone.

Where were you supposed to go?

Anywhere but here.

"Stop the car." You demand. She turns to you, a confused look resting upon her face. "What?"

"STOP THE CAR!" You shout. She quickly presses the brakes causing both of you jolt forward and the car to make a horrible skid noise.

"What is the problem?" She asks. You lean over the backseat to grab your bags. You grab as much as you can carry.

You then twist in your seat and kick open the door, immediately taking off full speed.

"Y/n! Where are you going?!" Your mom shouts. You keep running, her voice sounding further and further away.

"Get your ass back here!" You hear her echo.

There was the sound of cars beginning to start honking behind her as she was still stopped in the middle of the road with her passenger door wide open.

You had no idea where you were going but you just kept running and running with your bags in hand.

Running and running until your feet couldn't bare it anymore.

You collected weird stares from people you ran past but you didn't care. There were all blurry as your vision became hazy.

The weight of the heavy bag hanging on your shoulder slowed you down along with the luggage you dragged behind you.

But you kept running.

It was colder than it was earlier so you can see your breath in front of you as you pant. You had never ran this fast in your life.

You felt so lost.
So alone, so confused.

But there was one thing you were sure of.

Running away is easy.

-

here watch this meme video instead of asking me when the next chapter is gonna be pls thx

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]