✮  TW: smoking, talk about drugs, talk of addiction, talk/action of self-harm, mental disorders, suicidal tendencies and talk of, god i don't even know what else, just read with caution

- oh & for the ppl who leave "what is this i just wanted smut" comments, stfu and go read something else 😁

                                      ☾ eren ☽

Eren's closed fist and consistently bruised knuckles knock firmly on the door three times.

Please still be here. Please still be here.

He waits for a moment and even presses his ear on the door in attempt to hear any noise from the other side but right when his cold ear touches the surface, it swings open.

He can't help his mouth as it immediately curls into a wide smile as relief swarms throughout him.

It quickly fades when he sees the person behind the door is not who he was hoping for.

Hitch also had a giddy smile that practically evaporated when she saw the person knocking at her door wasn't who she was expecting either. "Oh. It's you."

"Nice to see you too." Eren says dryly. "Is y/n home?"

She was still wearing her pajamas and her hair was partially straight and partially curled like she was in the process of doing it before she was interrupted.

Hitch yawns. "I don't know, I haven't seen her since last night. I gave her some space and let her just sleep it off because she didn't wanna be bothered."

Eren peeks his head in the dorm and sees your bedroom door closed. "Well, can I check?"

Hitch's lips press together and she crosses her arms like she's considering it. "Depends."

Eren frowns. "On?"

"You gonna piss her off some more?" She asks. Eren sighs. "No. I just wanna make sure she's okay. She was... kinda losing it before I left."

Hitch taps her foot rapidly and then groans as she steps aside. "Fine. But the second I hear her raise her voice at you, I'm kicking you out."

Eren slides past the open door. "Thanks. You'll probably hear some screaming but not in a bad way." He winks.

She gags and closes the door once he enters. He walks over to your door and lightly knocks on it.

There's no answer so he knocks again slightly louder. He turns around to face Hitch. "Can I go in?"

She narrows her pale green eyes at him. "I'll do it."

She walks over to the door and knocks one more time and when there's no response, she opens up the door.

"What. The. Fuck." She whispers once she gets a good look inside.

Eren anxiously waits to the side and yearns for your voice to answer her but there's no response.

Hitch carefully steps into the room and Eren can hear the crunch of what sounds like broken glass underneath her slippers.

That immediately made his heart begin to beat hastily as panic began to set in. He rushes into the room and stands behind Hitch who is in a frozen state.

"Shit." He whispers. Hitch carefully walks around the room and takes in everything. Your bed was still made like you hadn't slept in it and it would look neat if there wasn't random pieces of clothing thrown all over it.

Along with the clothing on your bed, there was random garments scattered across the room. Your closet door was wide open with half of the belongings inside missing and the rest that remained just barely hanging on to the hangers for dear life.

Hitch squats down and picks up a big shard of glass. Her hands were shaking so she lifts up it slowly. They begin to shake even more when she sees the red stain on the glass. "This... this is.."

She stands up and holds the sharp, reflective triangle out to Eren. "Please tell me this isn't what I think is."

Eren carefully takes the glass from her and touches the red spot with his finger and then touches his thumb to it. "Dried blood."

"Blood?" She croaks. Eren watches as all the color drains from her face. She looks like she was about to pass out. If he remembers correctly, Hitch has a huge fear of blood. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Why the hell would there be blood on there? I.. I don't understand. What happened?" She asks.

Eren felt like he could hear his heart thumping in his ears. It was obnoxiously loud and continued to get louder as all other sound around him became mute.

Hitch was waving her hands in his face but he was too zoned out imagining all the possibilities of what happened after he left and where you were now.

Maybe you just accidentally cut yourself and now you're at the hospital getting stitches or something.

But that wouldn't explain the missing belongings and messy room.

"I'm gonna call her." Hitch panics as she takes out her phone.

Eren's dark eyebrows come together. "Are you dumb? She doesn't have a phone."

Hitch looks at him like he just said the most outrageous thing. "What?"

He sighs. "She broke it and doesn't wanna get a new one. Did you seriously not know that? Did she not tell you?"

She looks around as she tries to jog her memory. "No? She didn't. I think I would've remembered something like that. She didn't even mention it." 

Eren takes a deep breath and begins to scan the room for any signs or hints of where you could possibly be at.

Hitch rubs at her face with frustration. "I can't believe I didn't notice she left. I can't believe I didn't know she didn't even have a phone! She was fine, she.. she..."

She trails off as she takes in the scene before her, her eyes attempt to avoid looking at the blood stained glass but they fail miserably. She can feel her head start to spin so she takes a seat on the bed.

"She told me everything. We had a deep ass talk and she filled me in on everything! You, your shitty friends, her mom, everything!" She says, her voice getting louder and more frantic.

She spreads her arms out and showcases the room. "Yet, I feel like I know absolutely nothing." Her arms come down and make a loud slapping noise when they land heavily on her lap. She looked defeated.

"Did she tell you about how she was hearing voices and shit?" Eren asks, searching for your laptop. He squats down and peeks under the bed.

Hitch shoots up. "VOICES?"

He turns to her and stares blankly. "Yeah. She was hearing shit. I would tell her one thing and she would hear another. Or it would be completely quiet and she would start whispering to no one to shut up."

He returns back to scanning under the bed while Hitch stands there trying to make sense of everything. "What? Is she on drugs again or something?"

"No." Eren replies, his voice was muffled as his head ventures further underneath the bed. He grabs something and takes it out to hold up to the light.

He immediately yells and throws the pink dildo across the room. Hitch snorts a little as she tries to hold on her laugh.

He sighs and stands up straight, wiping his hands on his pants. "Or I don't know. She might be."

Hitch's eyes jolt open. "WHAT?!"

He rubs at his forehead as he tries to concentrate. "Man, you're useless. You don't know shit."

"Fuck you!" She yells. "It's not my fault she didn't tell me! You should know better than anyone that she keeps everything inside until she practically explodes."

"She doesn't have to tell you! You should've noticed!" He shouts back.

Hitch's face screws up. "Aren't you her boyfriend?!"

"Aren't you her roommate?!" He throws back at her.

"Yeah, her roommate who hasn't seen her in an entire week!" She defends.

"You didn't notice anything after I left?! Didn't you see how she looked?" He asks, walking out the room, glass crunching underneath his heavy feet.

Hitch tiptoes after him. "I saw she looked rough but I just.. I don't know I just thought she was having a bad day! It was her first day back and I-"

He heads toward the door and spins around just before he reaches for the doorknob. "So you thought the blood all over her was apart of her 'first day back at school' fit?"

Hitch's face turns red with embarrassment. "I asked her what happened and she quite literally pushed me away. I can't force her to tell me stuff that she doesn't want anyone to know. You should know that better than I do."

He didn't mean to put all the blame on her because truly, it isn't her fault. He shouldn't have left you in that state and just assumed Hitch could handle it.

He could barely handle it himself.

He wasn't sure what was happening to you. All he knew was that it terrified him.

But not as much as it terrified you.

Eren takes his phone out his pocket and then stares at his contact list for a moment. He wanted to call everyone one by one to see if anyone has seen you or hopefully was even with you.

But the first person he calls is Zeke for some reason. He felt himself starting to have a panic attack and there's no way in hell Hitch was gonna calm him down.

The phone rings a couple times and Zeke answers finally. "Yeah?"

Eren opens his mouth but closes it when he sees Hitch still standing close by. He gives her a dirty look and she responds by rolling her eyes and leaving to her room.

"I need your help. I have no idea what to do." Eren admits.

He can hear Zeke's smug grin through the phone. "So you call your wise older brother for help, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah. Are you gonna help me or not?" Eren snaps. There's some incoherent noise in the background and then the golden boy clears his throat. "Alright, give it to me."

Eren paces the room as he holds his phone up to his ear with one hand and pops his knuckles with the other. "Well, there's something wrong with y/n. She like freaked out or had a really bad panic attack or I don't even know what to call it anymore but she's really bad, Zeke, like really bad and I have no idea what to do and I'm tripping out and-"

"Alright, alright. Just relax. Take a seat and breathe for a sec." Zeke says through the device. Eren fumes but does what he's told.

Zeke waits for a couple seconds so Eren can get situated and then continues. "Okay, where is y/n now?"

Eren shoots up. "I don't know! That's the problem! She just disappeared and I don't know where she is but her room is a mess and there's broken glass everywhere and blood and-"

"Blood?" Zeke interrupts.

"Yes. On one of the shards of glass." Eren answers. Zeke hums. "Mm, and you sure it's hers?"

Eren felt his skin start to burn. "Who the hell else's would it be?"

"I don't know maybe she killed someone and that's why her room is a mess and she's missing. She went running from the cops." Zeke suggests.

Eren knew Zeke was just trying to lighten the mood so Eren could relax and it works for a moment because he laughs a little but then when he realizes you killing someone isn't all that unlikely, he starts to feels nauseous.

Zeke catches on quickly to the sudden silence. "You don't think she...you know. Hurt herself."

Eren felt himself begin to sweat. The room felt like it was 99 degrees. "I don't know. I don't wanna think about that."

"Check the restroom." Zeke says, his voice slow and serious like he's giving important instructions.

Eren gulps and the room gets hotter. "No. I..."

"I know you're scared to see something you don't wanna see in there but there's only one way to find out. And I know you don't wanna hear this but if she is in there bleeding out, the sooner you get to her, the better." Zeke explains.

Eren's breathing was heavy and slow while his heart thumped rapidly. His grip on the phone tightened. "I can't do this."

"Eren." Zeke says calmly. He could tell Eren was beginning to panic.

"I can't see another dead body again, Zeke." Eren says standing right outside the restroom door.

Zeke knew he had to be as blunt as possible in a situation like this. "You're gonna see one if you don't help her."

Eren's heart stops for what feels like a whole hour but he quickly snaps out of it and pushes the door open.

He feels a mix of emotions when he sees the restroom completely empty. Relieved that you're not bleeding out on the ground but also disappointed he still has no idea where you are.

"You still there?" Zeke asks.

"Uh-huh." Eren breathes. "She's not in here."

Zeke lets out a sigh of relief. "Okay, that's good. Do you see a trail of blood or anything?"

Eren hesitates but looks down on the ground. He doesn't see anything except an abandoned safety pin and a torn price tag. "No."

"On the sink?" Zeke asks. Eren walks over to the sink and sees nothing. "Nope."

"Bathtub? Shower?" Zeke questions. Eren also checks that and confirms there's nothing.

Zeke makes a loud, exaggerated noise as he stretches. "Well, I think it's safe to say she's didn't cut herself. Not on purpose at least."

Eren turns the sink on and splashes his face with ice cold water. "How do you know that?"

Zeke clears his throat. "Because there would be blood everywhere or atleast in certain areas. But then again, sometimes they're sneaky at hiding the evidence but if you said she left her room a mess, I doubt she'd clean up blood considering she left it on the glass."

Eren frowns. "How the hell do you know so much about this?"

Zeke stays silent for a moment. "Because I know someone who used to do that."

Eren shuts the light off and exits the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. "What? Who?"

"Doesn't matter. What matters right now is y/n." Zeke says trying to change the subject.

Hitch comes out the room fully dressed now and holds out her arms asking if Eren has found anything out. The boy responds by flicking her off.

"What do I do? I have no idea where she is. Half her shit is gone." Eren continues, ignoring Hitch.

"Maybe she went back home?" Zeke suggests. "I'd call her mom to ask but I don't have her number. Do you?"

Eren sighs. "No." He felt like he was running out of time. He wanted to hop in his car and chase after you but it was hard considering he had no idea where to even begin to search.

Zeke thinks for a moment. "I can call Pieck and ask for it."

Eren panics. "No! Don't call Pieck. She's on her honeymoon and she'll end up worrying about y/n and come home early or something. Y/n would never forgive me for that. Pieck worries way too much about her so I wouldn't doubt she would do it."

Zeke laughs. "So do you."

Eren smiles a little. "That's my baby. What can I say?"

Zeke whistles. "Okay, so what now? How do you expect to find her?"

Eren turns to Hitch who is shoving her stuff in her backpack to get ready for class. She looks up at him and frowns.

"I think I'm gonna go to her mom's house and see if she's there." Eren suggests. Hitch bites her nail nervously like she wants to say something but is gonna wait till he gets off the phone.

"And if she's not?" Zeke asks. Eren pauses for a moment. "Then I'll look everywhere else until I find her."

Zeke chuckles softly and Eren knows he's smiling on the other end of the call. "If there's one thing Jaeger men love, it's the chase. Keep me updated."

The call ends and Eren looks at Hitch again. "What is it?"

She inserts her arm in between the straps of her bag and nervously looks down at the ground. "I don't think she's at her mom's house."

"Why not?" Eren asks.

She cringes and scratches her head. "I don't know. A feeling, I guess?"

Eren's face turns annoyed. "You're a terrible liar. You've never been good at it. What happened?"

"I don't think I should say. She didn't tell you for a reason." Hitch says carefully.

Eren groans. "Hitch, does this look like the fucking time to keep secrets right now? Did you forget the blood and broken glass and the fact that she left without saying anything?"

She bites her lip and taps her foot while looking at the time that glowed on the stove. "Fine. She got into a fight with her mom yesterday. Right before she dropped her off here. It was bad. Like...really bad."

"They fight all the time though. That's just how they are. They've never gotten along." Eren mentions.

Hitch shakes her head, her healthy, shiny hair moving with it. "I know that but this fight...This one was different. She said some pretty fucked up shit."

Fuck.

If that's how you started your morning then your day was terrible from the start. From that to the fight with Historia and then seeing Armin and then everything that happened after.

And who knows if Mikasa ever caught you or not to apologize but if she did, he knew that added on to the list of annoying things that happened that day.

And who knows what the hell else irritated you with your luck.

"Like what?" Eren presses. Hitch shrinks into herself. She felt dirty exposing the stuff you told her in confidence to someone else, even if it was Eren. "I don't remember." She lies.

"Hitch, bro, come on. I need to know." Eren bangs his fist on the couch. He was growing impatient. Every second he stayed here, he felt like you were getting further and further away from him.

"You don't need to know! Just know her and Diana aren't on good terms. In fact, I don't think y/n will ever speak to her again so I highly doubt she's with her right now." Hitch says trying to slip past Eren but he steps in front of her.

The two stare at eachother. Eren knew Hitch well. They were good friends for long time before he fucked it up by sleeping with her knowing she had feelings for him.

He knew she was undoubtedly loyal. You told her a secret and she'd take it to her grave. He knew he could pry and beg but she wasn't gonna give in. Especially if you made her promise not to say anything.

"I'm sorry Eren but I can't say it. It's not my story to tell. If she wants you to know, she'll tell you but I won't take that choice away from her. Just know it really fucked with her." Hitch says breaking eye contact and moving past him.

Her hands wraps around the door handle and the door separates from the frame. She turns back to him with sad, glazed eyes. "I don't know how she does it. She's the strongest person I've ever met."

Eren sighs. "Yeah. Me too."

Hitch gives him a weak smile. "Let me know if you find anything out. I'd help you look but I have two exams today and my professors are dicks."

Before Eren can respond, she's out the door. He now stands alone in the empty dorm, completely lost on what move to make.

He was confident about going to your mom's house but that quickly got swept away by Hitch's subliminal response.

Hitch was many things but she was not a liar.

He decides he's gonna go anyway. Even if you aren't there, he can probably ask your mom if she happened to know where you would go. A friends house or a relative, maybe.

It was better than just fucking standing here.

☼ y/n ☼

There's the faint sound of ringing. It sounds distant like a couple blocks down. Easy to ignore if you tried.

But then it gets closer. Like instead of a couple blocks down, it's just down the street. A little annoying but still ignorable.

Then it's no longer down the street but right next door. It's louder and more irritating but you try your best to not let it bother you as hard as it is.

It gets louder and louder until it feels like it's getting closer and closer to you. The closer it gets to you the faster your heart beats. It felt like it was about to explode into small pieces in your chest cavity.

The ringing gets even louder until it's right in your ear and your eyes burst open with adrenaline.

You gasp and sit up in bed. You look around and sigh, your hand clutching at your chest. "Fucking shit."

The room was pitch black. The hotel room had black out curtains that were thick and heavy so no light came through so you had no idea what time it was.

You look at the small clock on the side of the bed and the green glowing numbers read 10:06am. You groan and throw your body back to lay down again.

You didn't get any sleep last night. If any, it was probably an hour or two. You were tossing and turning the whole night with your mind eating at you.

You were surprised you were even awake right now but it's probably because your body is accustomed to waking up early now.

Twisting your head to the side, your eyes meet the small clock again. 10:07am. You would be in class right now.

Wait. Would I? What's today?

You sigh and flip your body around so that you're now on your stomach and your face is buried in the pillow.

You didn't wanna leave this bed at all. The sheets were nice and clean. The black out curtains allowed the room to be pitch black the way you liked it. The hotel's A/C was blasting so it was perfectly cold too.

[play Black Out Days by Phantogram here, you know the one ;)]

You stand up and take a deep breath before you burst open the curtains for light to come in.

You're immediately blinded and your eyes well up with tears as the sunlight stings. "Shit." You rub at your eyes and turn away.

When your vision returns, you're face to face with yourself in the mirror.

Why do I look like that?

You lean in further to get a closer look. Sure, you haven't been looking your best but you should still be recognizable.

For some reason, you didn't look like yourself. Depression, dehydration and lack of sleep aside.

Your features looked different. You have always been told you had your mom's looks and your personality from your dad.

But right now, you looked strangely more like him.

It might be all in your head. Your mind playing sadistic pranks on you.

Nothing surprised you at this point. First hearing things that weren't there and now seeing them.

How come each time you looked in the mirror now, you felt more and more dissociated with your body?

"Okay, I can't do this." You say as you begin to feel your chest to tighten as your anxiety grips it hard.

You walk over to the window and shut the blinds, the room filling with darkness again.

Just don't look in the mirror any more. Problem solved.

You stare at the wall. Your body twitched as it fought the urge and temptation to look back into the reflective glass.

It was a sick form of self sabotage to do something you know is only gonna make you feel worse.

But it was like your mind was taunting you.

Bet you won't look.

You give in, your head twisting to face the mirror once again.

It was harder to see how you looked now that you shut the blinds and there was no longer any light.

There was the faint outline of your body in the reflection and if you squint, you can see your features.

But other than that, it was a dark shadow figure staring back at you. It made chills shoot up your spine.

There wasn't much to do in this hotel room besides just this. Stare at yourself in the mirror and wallow in self pity and loathing.

You needed to get out. You only got this hotel for a place to stay for the night, now that the night is over, it's time to figure out where the hell you're going.

Anywhere but here.

It was simple really. Just grab your belongings and go.

But you felt heavy like your body was being held down by magnets. Like it didn't want to move.

More like it didn't want to leave.

You were subconsciously fighting yourself internally. Part of you wanted to leave and never return and part of you wanted to stay and never leave again.

I need to leave. I can't stay here.

"Life is hard. Death is easier."

You flinch and stare in horror. That voice.

You've heard those words before too. But from where?

The day you got shot. When you were asleep in the hospital bed and had a dream or whatever it was about seeing your dad and he was convincing you to stay with him.

Did it all start from there?

No, even before that. You remember Eren telling you that when they rolled you away on that stretcher that you had asked him to tell your mom and dad you loved them.

You, of course, are very aware that your dad is long gone so why did you add him into that request?

Was it a hallucination from the blood loss or were already beginning to lose your mind?

You try to jog your memory of that night. You remember arguing with Eren and then it was all downhill from there.

You hear the bang of a gunshot and even though you know it's the sound of a past memory, you flinch as if it just heard it for the first time.

The scar on your side even begins to ache as well.

The next thing you recall was laying down on the concrete and staring up at the night sky and seeing all the tiny stars shining.

It's like that for a moment. The sound of your heavy breathing as blood drains out of you. The silent sky watching as it does.

But then Eren's face appears. He hovers over you as he cries and cries. His tears slip off his cheeks and spill on to your face like raindrops.

You can hear him begging you to stay awake. To stay with him. To stay.

"Stop." You say. You close your eyes and try to take deep breaths. You make attempts to change the scene playing in your mind and it works but when you open your eyes again, you're haunted by something else.

Your eyes meet the dark shadow in the mirror again but this time it isn't a dark shadow. This time it isn't even you.

It's Pieck. "Stay." She says.

"What..." You whisper to yourself.

You close your eyes and when you open them up again, it's Sasha who stares back at you now not Pieck. "Stay."

You groan and rub at your eyes and you then hear Hitch's voice. "Stay." You look up and see her in the mirror now.

"Shut up." You cry. You close your eyes and cover your ears. You can hear them all saying it all at once now.

First Eren. Then, Pieck. Followed by Sasha and Hitch. They repeated the same thing over and over.

"Stay."

"Please stop." You cry as you press down on your ears harder. The fact that you block any sound from your ears and can still hear them shows it's all in your head.

This isn't real. They're not actually saying that. It's all in my head.

But as much as you try to convince yourself of that, they just keep going, showing no mercy.

"Oh my god, I can't take this shit anymore." You say as you flick the light switch on and grab your stuff.

You shove the important things into your bag and slip your shoes on. You leave behind the packed luggage and duffel bag in the room as you rush out the door, slamming it behind you.

You stand at the edge of the sidewalk, a hand waving in the air as you hail a taxi over to you. Finally, one makes it way in your direction.

You open the door and throw your bag in. The driver gives you a weird look and based on the way you look, you don't blame him. "Where to?" He asks.

"I don't know yet. Just drive for now, I'll pay for it." You offer.

He stares at you blankly and you frown. "I'll give you ten extra dollars if you don't say a single word and just listen."

He stays silent for a moment, contemplating but then shrugs, returning his eyes forward. You sigh and lay your body down across the back seat. "Where do I even begin?"

You stare up at the roof of the car. You turn your head slightly to look at the drivers ID that was plastered on the back of his seat.

You return your face upwards. "You ever been in love, Frank?"

He smiles at you through the rear view mirror. "I'm married actually."

You deadpan over to him. "No one likes a bragger."

His smile drops and you chuckle softly as you look up again. "Just kidding. Good for you."

You let out a sigh and cover your eyes with your forearm. "You mind if I just rant? I honestly should be doing this with a therapist but I'm paying you to listen to me so it's basically the same thing right?"

He doesn't say anything. You uncover your eyes. "Right?!" You repeat.

"You told me not to talk." He reminds you. You stare at him and then smack your lips. "Shit, I forgot. Fine."

Your forearm returns to resting on your face but this time it lays across your forehead, your eyes still gazing up above.

"I don't even know where to start. Maybe I should just summarize it?" You ask yourself. "No, it would still be too long but who cares, here goes."

"So basically, Narcissistic mom, suicidal dad. Dad offs himself. I become depressed. I make new friends. I party with them. I meet a boy. He gets me hooked on drugs. Boy cheats on me with one of my best friends. I almost die. I run away. I make new friends again. I meet a boy. I-"

You pause for a moment. "Wait. You notice how boys are the problem here? I meet a boy twice and my life goes downhill each time."

He, of course, says nothing but just quietly shrugs. You roll your eyes. "Men. Anyways, where was I?"

"Oh yeah. I meet a boy. We fall in love. We have to keep it a secret. People try to fuck it up. I get fucking shot by the first boy. I go to the hospital. I go to a party. Everyone finds out about me and the second boy and he leaves me. He then shows up at my sister's wedding-"

You lift up a finger in the air. "Who by the way, I used to fucking hate. Then me and said boy end up having sex there but not getting back together. Then my mom tells me she never wanted me. I drop out of school. I may or may not have taken drugs again. Then I lose my job because of some bitch. I beat said bitch to a pulp."

You smile a little reminiscing that moment. "Which I do not regret at all. Then boy comes back and tries to talk to me while this other boy tries to apologize but I didn't let either of them get the chance. Then I go crazy in my bedroom and pack all my bags. I call my mom for god knows why and then jump out the car and run all the way to a hotel and now here we are."

You wait for him to say something but he doesn't. "Right. You can't talk."

You let out a deep sigh. "I know what you're thinking. Man this bitch's life is a hot mess. I know, tell me about it."

"The crazy thing I shouldn't even be going through all this! I'm not even supposed to be here right now!" You shout, arms extended. "I was a mistake. I would've rather her abort my ass if I knew life was gonna be this way."

You really did feel like you were at a therapist's office. You were laid down across the backseat like you would the couch. Ranting and venting while someone listened.

"I have a right to be as messed up as I am with all the shit I've been through, you know? But they don't see that. They don't understand." You continue.

You sit up and lean forward so you're as close to him as you can be without being weird or intrusive. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

He turns to you, face tense and anxious to say the wrong thing. "No?" It sounded more like a question than an answer.

You sigh and sit all the way back again, slouched in the seat. "See? They don't know what they're talking about. I'm fine!"

Fine, my ass. You're batshit crazy.

You knew you were far from fine. But you felt if you somehow convinced others you were, you'd end up convincing yourself in some way that you were too.

But you knew better. Shit doesn't work that way.

"My dad was crazy, you know? Like actually. Everyone is so worried I'm gonna be just like him but why do I have to be crazy like him?  Why can't I just crazy like myself?" You ask.

You weren't even sure if you were making any sense. It honestly felt like you were just rambling.

"I wish people would stop comparing me to other people." You mutter.

Not like you could really say anything because you always compared yourselves to others too. Like Sasha and Pieck for example. "Maybe I'm not the problem, maybe it's everyone else."

You turn your head to the window and see it's begun to rain. Water droplets from above drop down onto the window and slide the way down, leaving trails behind them.

"If I was the only person in the planet I wouldn't have to worry about any of this." You say as you focus your eyes on two rain drops racing each other down the frosted glass.

"Maybe I should just kill them all." You say simply. You hear the man let out a small gasp and you turn to him. "I'm just kidding."

He sighs and continues to look forward. His grip on the steering wheel is tight like he's afraid you might take it from him.

"Do you have any kids, Frank?" You wonder. He seems hesitant to respond and you don't blame him after what he overheard you just say.

"Yes, I have a daughter." He admits.

"Oh." You roll down the window and stick your hand out, cold rain falling perfectly into your palm. "What's her name?"

He smiles. "Erin."

You slowly turn to him. "You gotta be shitting me right now. Erin?"

He nods. "E-R-I-N."

Your mind randomly takes you back to the night you were at Eren's house and you opened his laptop and he had to spell out his last name for you.

"I don't know how but you somehow did that on purpose. You're not funny." You knit your eyebrows together. "You're on the list of people I gotta get rid of now."

Stopped at a red light, Frank cranes his neck to look back at you, concern and fear written all over his face.

You roll your eyes. "Just kidding. Loosen up!"

His lips twitch into an awkward smile and he turns forward again, clearly still uneasy.

"Speaking of the list, can you take me to the jail? I'm gonna turn myself in." You say leaning forward again.

Frank's eyes grow wide.

You burst out laughing. "Just kidding again!" You continue to laugh as you hit the back of the passenger seat. "You crack me up, Frank."

Your smile drops and your face gets serious. "No but seriously, take me to the prison."

Your taxi driver frowns. "But why?"

You shrug and make air quotes with your fingers. "To 'cleanse my soul.' If you kill yourself, you go to hell, right? But maybe if I do acts of forgiveness or whatever, I'll redeem myself. Right?"

He turns slowly, a nervous laugh leaves his mouth. "You're kidding again, right?"

You frown. "Why is everything a joke to you?"

His mouth drops open and he immediately begins to panic and babble out an apology.

You giggle. "You're a funny guy, Frank." You yawn and lay your body back down across the backseat using your folded arm as a pillow. "Wake me up when we get there, okay?"

It wasn't normally like you to pass out like this in taxis but you were exhausted. You didn't sleep for shit last night.

And for some reason, you didn't feel as bad right now. Maybe it was because you were actually having human contact or just the fact you were outside in general.

Bipolar disorder. A disorder in which one experiences depressive lows and manic highs.

This was the upcoming of a high. Laughing and cracking jokes with a completely stranger, purposely trying to scare him just for fun and to get a reaction out of him. It was like nothing was wrong with you.

You shut your eyes and focus your concentration on the sound of the rain tapping on the window. Frank had the radio on but it was faint like white noise in the background.

Before you even realize it, you're fast asleep.

-

"Ma'am."

"Ma'am?"

Your eyes jump open and you sit up. "What? What happened?" You ask as you rub at your eyes.

"We're here." He answers.

You frown. "Where?"

He points out the window. "Isn't this where you wanted to go?"

You turn to look out the window, still half asleep. "Ah. Right. I forgot."

You open your purse and give him the amount you owe. You open the door and step out but before you close the door behind you, you tilt your head to peek inside the car.

"Do you believe in God? Like heaven and hell and stuff?" You ask.

Frank looks at you confused.

"I just think it's fucked up that if I decide to end something I didn't even ask for in the first damn place, I have to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. Seems a little unfair, don't you think?" You explain.

"Um..." Frank shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"Nevermind. Forget it. Thanks for listening." You say closing the door shut, ending the conversation. You wave a goodbye to the driver as he drives away.

You now stood in front of Marley Correctional Facility.

Marley was known for its upscale beauty. It's shining skyscrapers and bristling economy. Everything was new and well-kept.

Except for this place. You could tell the city didn't care to put any effort into making the facility remotely attractive.

The building was worn down to the point where it looked like if someone tripped over a rock and bumped into one of the walls, the entire building will collapse into dust.

It was depressing to say the least.

You inhale sharply as you feel the crisp air swell up in your lungs, your chest rising with the pressure.

You blow out the air and begin to make your way forth. It was eerily quiet. The wind was still so there wasn't the sound of leaves bristling in the trees which was strange considering how dark the sky was indicating it was gonna rain.

It was the calm before the storm.

The location was also secluded so there wasn't the sound of passing cars either.

Just quiet.

It almost felt like some sort of simulation. Like the world stood still and you were the only one capable of moving.

You focus on the sound of your shoes tap along the pavement as you inch closer and closer.

Once you enter, you're grateful for the noise that fills your ears. The sound of guards discussing amongst themselves and the news playing on a small TV in the corner of the room.

There's a small booth where a guard resides blocking the entrance gate. The guard's eyes flicker up at you acknowledging your presence for just a brief second before his eyes return to the computer in front of him. "What can I help you with, ma'am?"

"Uh, I'm here for visitation." You say awkwardly. The man behind the screen doesn't even look up at you. "Name or inmate number?"

You scratch your head. "I don't know his inmate number but it's Anthony David."

His eyes finally look up at you and his face is cold. "I need to see some ID and state the relationship between you and the inmate."

You begin to feel your skin itch as it heats up. There's a knot in your stomach that causes everything inside you to recoil and you start to feel sick.

What if Historia already pressed charges? What if there was a warrant out for your arrest? Did you just turn yourself in?

"Ma'am?"

Your head shoots up. "Hm? Oh."

You reach into your bag and hand him the ID. His eyes immediately catch your split open palm and you hide it just as quick.

His suspicious eyes break away from the wound. "Relation?"

"Ex-girlfriend." You reply. You cringe internally.

He stares at you for a moment and then back at the ID. Your heart was practically pounding out of your chest. "Mm. Okay, step over there through the metal detector and put all your belongings in the basket."

"Oh. Okay." You say stepping in front of the detector as you set down your bag and check to see if you have to take anything out of your pockets.

"Where's your phone?" A female guard asks once she sees you push the basket away signaling all your stuff is in there.

"Don't have one." You say bluntly. She scoffs. "I highly doubt that. You're not slick trying to sneak one in."

"Wanna strip search me then?" You snap. "I don't have one because I broke it when I threw it at the wall."

She blinks at you slowly, trying to see if you're being honest or not. You roll your eyes and pat your pockets. "See? Nothing. I don't have a bra on so it's not in there and I'm definitely not shoving a phone up my pussy or my asshole."

She smiles for a spilt second as she tries her hardest not to laugh. She tilts her head in the direction of the metal detector. "Fine, go."

"Thanks." You walk through the detector without setting it off and the guard opens up the gate for you. "20 minutes." He notifies you.

"I won't need that long." You say as you slip past him and enter the room.

It was a pretty decent sized room with a long strip of clear glass that separated the room in half and had little cubicles with telephones on each side.

You take a seat at one and take a deep breath. You had no idea how you were gonna react to seeing him but knowing you and knowing all he's done, it's not gonna be pretty.

You sit there for a good five minutes and when the door opens, the man of the hour appears, his wrists tied together by silver cuffs.

He waves at you as best as his tied hands can and you nod at him. He takes a seat in front of you behind the glass and you take a moment to study his face.

He had very tan, dark skin normally but right now he looked a few shades later like he hasn't seen the sun in months.

His face looked similar to yours. Sunken in and exhausted. He didn't need to tell you in his letter that he hadn't been sleeping because it was completely obvious.

"You look like hell." You say picking up the telephone. He chuckles softly. "You too."

He sits down and the two of you just sit in silence for a moment. "I'm surprised you came." He admits. "You never do shit just because someone tells you to so you must've genuinely wanted to."

You scoff. "I came for me, not for you."

His smile drops and his face returns to its lifeless state. You continue. "I don't care about your soul, frankly, I don't give a fuck what happens to you in this lifetime or the next."

He clears his throat and shifts in his seat. You can tell he wasn't expecting you to be this cutthroat. "Then why are you here?"

"I'm doing this for myself. I don't wanna hold hate in my heart." You say clearly.

He laughs nervously trying to lighten the mood. "Why are you talking like you're the one that's gonna die?"

You ignore him and sit up straight. "I forgive you. For everything. For treating me like shit. For being the reason I was addicted to drugs. For cheating. For beating me. Everything."

With his eyes wide, he stares at you in shock. Not only was he caught off guard by you actually showing up but he definitely wasn't prepared for this. "Really?"

You take a deep breath. "Yes."

"What about the shooting you part?" He asks. Your grip tightens around the phone. "That too."

He lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank God. It was an
accident anyway. I wasn't even aiming at you, y/n. I'm so sorry about that."

Your eye twitches and your fingers curl even tighter around the phone when you hear sorry but that's not even the part that bothers you the most.

You didn't even remember that he was originally aiming at Eren. It was supposed to be Eren and it was going to be until Marco tackled him and you were in the way trying to stop everything.

He could've killed Eren if you weren't there.

No. He would've.

Eren would be dead and you would've never seen him again.

Never would've saw his face and that beautiful dark hair that you love to run your fingers through so much.

Those alluring jade eyes that you never fail to get lost in. That captivating smile that instantly made you melt as much as you hated to admit it.

That adorable laugh, his real one. The one that seems like you and only a couple select special people can ever make him do.

His silky voice that you can listen to all day long and never get tired or bored of it.

You would've never got to hold his hand again. Or kiss him again. Or feel him again.

He would've been gone forever. Dead the same way his parents died.

The phone felt like it was gonna snap in half with how much pressure you were wrapping around it. You felt your jaw flex and your skin burn intensely.

"You tried to kill the boy I love." You say softly.

Anthony's relieved face melts and worry appears written all over as panic begins to set in.

You look him dead in the eye. "You would've took away my favorite person."

He gulps and scoots his chair more closer, his back strengthening. He looks around before continuing. "I wasn't thinking clearly y/n. I was on drugs and drunk and I-"

"I would've watched him bleed out in front of me." You mutter.

You could hear Anthony's voice begin to tremble. "Y/n...listen."

"I changed my mind. I don't forgive you for shit. I don't care if I leave this world with hate in my heart. I hope you suffer. I hope you rot in hell." You hiss.

He places his hand on the window. "Please y/n, I'm sorry, it was a mistake."

You slam your fist down hard on the clear surface, the abrupt noise interrupting all other conversation. "STOP SAYING SORRY!"

"Hey! Settle down." A guard that stands in the corner warns.

You lean in closer so your face is right by the window and bring the phone closer to your mouth. "I hope you never find peace again. I hope they wait for the perfect moment to kill you so that you're paranoid and restless every single day until you drive yourself insane."

You pause for a moment just to take in how satisfying it feels to see his eyes tremble and his breathing halter.

"And when they do kill you, I hope they do it slowly. I hope it's agonizing." You add.

He stares at you in horror. He has seen you at your most vile. When you were at your worst, he came into your life and instead of helping you, he led your further into darkness.

But this... this, you can tell he didn't see coming.

"I was alone when we met. I was depressed and lonely. Sad and heartbroken. Naive and vulnerable. You took advantage of that. You were bored and wanted someone to fuck and do stupid shit with. You're the reason I got addicted to drugs. You would manipulate me into thinking they'd make me feel better." You say into the plastic black telephone.

"You pretended to help me. I was stupid and young and desperate for love. You took advantage of that." You continue.

"I was trusting and loyal. You took advantage of that. I was weaker than you. You took advantage of that."

He wasn't speaking. More like he was even able to. His tongue swelled up and his throat tightened harshly.

"I almost died that night. You know, the one where you beat me? I was in pain so I took drugs to numb it away. But it still hurt so I took more. And more. And more. Until I finally realized the pain I felt wasn't on the outside, it was inside and no amount of drugs could take it away. Only for a moment." You say quietly.

A tear pokes it's way out the corner of your eye. "But I wanted it to go away so bad. So bad that I was willing to do anything to make it all go away."

You aggressively wipe the droplet away before it even attempts to fall onto your face. You clear your throat and sit up straight. "But it didn't go away. I got better, I got help. I moved away. But..."

You look down at your lap. "No matter what I do or where I go, it follows me."

It's quiet for a few seconds. You start to wonder how much time you have left before visitation is over.

You look up. "The worst part is, if you die, none of my problems will be solved. If you die, i'll still live with what you put me through. Nothing will change. So as much as I hope they come for you in the middle of the night like you fear so much..."

There's a heavy sensation on your chest. "It will all be for nothing. It won't fix anything. I'll still be stuck this way."

You can hear his heavy breathing through the phone. It was rugged and slow like he was struggling to do so.

You stand up, the chair scooting back behind you. You keep the phone to your ear. "Everyone who has ever hurt me could die and I'll still be this way."

You smile. "But I know how to stop it. I won't miss this time. I can make it all go away."

"What are you talking about?" He finally speaks. His voice was shaky and raspy like he had been sick for days and was finally regaining his voice.

You hang up the phone and turn your head to the guard. He looks at the watch on his wrist and then back at you, surprised that you're finished so early. 

"Told ya." You shrug.

You can hear Anthony's muffled shouting behind the glass before two guards take him away again.

You collect your things and begin to head out the door before one of the guards stop you. "Excuse me."

Shit!

You turn to him slowly, fully prepared for him to arrest you. But instead, he holds out your chapstick. "You dropped this."

"Oh." You try your hardest not to sound relieved. "Thank you."

You take the lip balm from him and tuck it safely back in your purse. "Is there a phone I can use to call a taxi or something?"

He points to a pay phone across the room and you glare at him. He shrugs.

You scavenge your purse for some quarters and surprisingly, you actually find some.

After you slip the coins into the slot and dial a number, you wait patiently for your taxi to arrive.

The wait was prolonged and cruel. Every second you spent there you felt like you were giving Historia the perfect opportunity to say something.

Each time the phone rang, the hairs on the back of your neck stood straight up and you began to sweat.

But it was nothing every time. What was taking so long? You knew she would press charges so what was the hold up? Why was she taking her sweet ass time? Was she intentionally torturing you?

Now you know how Anthony feels.

Finally, the yellow vehicle pulls up to the front and you escape safely.

You chuckle softly to yourself. "I thought this was supposed to be the most advanced security system in the world." You reference.

Even though you were at your lowest, you somehow managed to keep your humor in tact surprisingly.

Just like him.

"Where to?" The taxi driver asks once you step inside. You were a tad bit disappointed when you see it's not the same one from earlier although it's probably best you never seen him again anyway.

You think for a moment. "Can you take me to the nearest pharmacy? Not the one on Cherry Lane though."

The driver nods and begins to pull out the parking lot. Unlike the other taxi ride, this one was quiet.

You didn't have anything to say this time. It was odd. It seemed like you already spilled out everything you needed to say, yet, you still felt like you haven't said a single thing at all.

Before you know it, you arrive at your destination. You pay your fee, your stomach tightening when you think about just how much money you even have left.

Not that it honestly even mattered at this point.

You walk into the pharmacy and head straight toward the back, praying you don't bump into anyone you know.

You pass all the aisles until you find the one you're looking for.

The first few aisles were vitamins and health supplements. The following ones were pads and other sanitary stuff.

You pass by the aisle that had stuff like condoms and Plan B's and out of pure curiosity and nosiness, you peek inside the aisle to see if you see anyone you know there.

There's a girl in a short black dress and a black and white plaid blazer. She had shiny, jet black thigh-high high heel boots on and a pair of dark sunglasses.

You wondered why she was wearing sunglasses inside but considering she's standing in front of the condom section, you're not surprised.

She actually looked really familiar even with the shades on. Her side profile and hair reminded you of someone but you couldn't figure out who.

Is that...

"Amara?" You say aloud.

The brunette jumps a little before she turns around and smiles. "Y/n? Hey! What are you doing here? I thought you would've been back in Paradis by now."

"I can ask you the same thing. Shouldn't you be up north?" You wonder.

She tucks hair behind her ear and looks away, her face turning away embarrassed. "Yeah about that... someone convinced me to stay for a while longer."

You frown but then it hits you and you gasp. "No way. Zeke?"

She cringes but then laughs. "Yeah. I'm going on a date with him tonight actually."

You point at the assortment of different condom brands in front of her. "Is that why you're shopping for condoms?"

She turns bright red. "I haven't had sex in a long time, okay? Much less a date. I just wanna be prepared."

You giggle. "I think the guy is supposed to get the condoms."

Amara inserts one of her wine red acrylic nails in her mouth and nervously bites down at it while she stares at the small boxes. "Yeah but what if he forgets or something?"

"So, you finally gave Zeke a chance, huh?" You ask. She slides her sunglasses up her face so that they rest on top of her head. "I think I've made him suffer long enough."

You mean to laugh but it just comes out as a quiet chuckle. Amara stares at you and twists her body to face you. "You okay?"

You look up from the ground and look at her. Her and Pieck make the exact same face whenever they're suspicious of something.

"Yeah, I'm fine." You lie. Amara narrows her eyes like she knows you're lying but decides not to pry further.

She clears her throat. "I know we just met but if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. Especially right now while Pieck's gone. She's my bestfriend and I see her and Porco like family and since you're her sister, you're family to me now too."

You shake your head softly and look down at her shiny boots. From her boots, your eyes trail up to her purse which hung loosely from her fingertips.

You don't mean to but your eyes then slowly trail up to her wrists and you notice her faded scars again.

She catches you looking and holds out her arm for you to look at. "Pretty nasty, right?"

You felt your face burn with humiliation and shame. You didn't mean to make her uncomfortable or bring up bad memories.

Why am I always fucking things up?

"I-You don't have to show me." You say turning away. She smiles and turns her arm to face her so she can look at them. "It's okay. It doesn't really bother me anymore."

She rolls up her sleeve and runs a finger along the scars. You try to be polite and not look but it was too tempting. "What happened?" You ask.

She laughs a little but it sounds sad and weary. "I used to be really depressed. When I was 19, actually, your age right?"

You nod and she continues. "When I was 19, I was going through...some stuff. Some pretty fucking awful stuff. Let's just say I was at the lowest point of my life and well.."

She looks down at her wrist. "I tried to take my own life."

You feel your heart stop and you can feel your eyes sting as they fight the urge to tear up. She was definitely the definition of don't judge a book by its cover.

She had a fancy job and nice clothes and everytime you saw her she was laughing at something or smiling. She seemed like she had everything. Including a Jaeger practically on his hands and knees.

"But.. you're still here. So what happened?" You ask.

She smiles and rolls her sleeve back down. "Someone stopped me."

"Pieck?" You guess.

She giggles. "Zeke, actually."

Your eyes shoot open. "Wait, really? No way."

She laughs and looks up at the ceiling. You assume she's looking up to avoid crying and it's confirmed when she also sniffles.

"I was home alone one day and I was having one of the lowest days of my life and I just decided..." She shrugs. "That I couldn't take it anymore."

Sounds familiar.

"So I tried to kill myself. I was right in the middle of it until Zeke came over. Pieck and Porco were trying to set up a double date but I wouldn't answer the phone so Zeke showed up." She explains. "He saw me bleeding out in my restroom."

Your lips part open and a small gasp slips in between the opening. "What?"

She nods. "Yeah. He stopped me. He picked me up, took me to his car and drove me to the hospital."

That also sounds familiar.

"He saved my life. As much as I hate to admit it. He stayed with me in the hospital until they stitched me up. I begged him not to tell Pieck or Porco or just anyone in general and he didn't. He kept my secret until I finally told Pieck about it and you can imagine how that went." She continues.

"He kept it a secret?" You ask. You couldn't believe Zeke was capable of keeping something that huge a secret especially from his bestfriends.

"Yeah, he did, I made him promise not to tell until I was ready to say it myself. He pinky promised so he was forced to keep it." She admits.

You frown. "Pinky promise?"

She smiles. "Yeah, pinky promise." She sticks out her pinky. "When Zeke and Eren were younger, they used to lie about stuff a lot. Carla always knew when they were being honest or not when she would ask them to pinky promise they were telling the truth. If they didn't wanna pinky promise, it's because they were lying."

She puts away her pinky and returns to scanning the boxes. "It became a serious thing in their family especially after they died. They take pinky promises very serious."

You find yourself surprised you didn't know that. Eren never mentioned it. Then again, he didn't really like to talk too much about his parents.

Amara turns back to you. "So if a Jaeger ever pinky promises you something, just know they will never, ever break it."

You hold out your pinky and look down at it. You try to jog your memory to see if you and Eren have ever made a pinky promise but all your memories are blurred together and you can't tell what really happened or not.

"Hey." She calls.

You look at her and she studies you. It's silent for a moment and then she suddenly embraces you in a hug. "I know you don't like being hugged but I can tell when someone needs one."

She's right. You definitely needed one. You don't hug her back. Instead, you just stand there while her arms wrap around you.

Even though you don't hug her back, you're grateful for the hug. It brought you some comfort. It made you feel safe and warm just for a moment.

She reminded you so much of Pieck and you found yourself missing her. It's crazy how much your relationship with her changed drastically compared to how it used to be.

Amara pulls away and places a hand on your cheek. Just like Pieck did before she left.

Your throat tightens and you can feel yourself starting to cry. You really didn't want to. Not here. Not in bright lights at the store in the middle of the fucking condom aisle.

"Whatever you're going through right now, I hope you get passed it. It gets better, I promise. I know that right now it feels like the world is against you and everyone hates you, and it'll always be this way and there's no changing or getting better but I promise it does." She says softly.

Her hand slides off your face and she picks a random box of condoms off the shelf. "I thought the same way and now look at me. Alive and healthy and happy."

She reads the box while she continues to talk. "It may have took years to get out of my depression but hey, it happened. Now I'm the best I've ever been."

She holds the box up to you. "Think Zeke needs the large size ones?"

Her sudden switch from a sensitive, serious topic to talking about Zeke's dick size caught you off guard. You snort and shrug. "Who knows. Eren is huge though."

Her eyes widen and she laughs. "Oh? Nice." She looks at the box once more. "Fuck it. Here's to manifesting that it is."

She looks back at you again. "I'll see you later, okay? If you need anything, call me." She takes a card out of her bag and hands it to you.

You look down at it and see it's her business card. She really did have her shit together and if you didn't know any better, you would've assumed the girl wasn't suicidal just a couple years ago.

Maybe things really do get better.

No they don't. Not for you. You'll always be miserable.

"Shut up." You whisper.

Amara frowns. "Did you say something?"

You shake your head quickly. "Oh no, I was just trying to remember what I came looking for."

"Oh shit! My bad. I've been totally distracting you with my whole life story and shit." She says stepping aside. "I got what I came for so I'll leave you to it. Hope you feel better, love."

When she passing by you, she grabs your hand and gives it a squeeze. You force a smile as you watch her walk away, her heels clicking against the ground with each step.

You stand alone now. Right in between a bunch of condoms and pregnancy tests.

You decide it's better to not been seen in this aisle by anyone considering how bad it would look.

As you step out from the aisle, you rub at your eyes as they ache from the bright pharmacy lights. Your head was pounding. Not to mention all the annoying noises you kept hearing in your head.

What you originally came looking for wasn't gonna help you, you realized that now.

Without her even realizing it, Amara helped with that.

She gave you another idea.

But first, you'd be damned if you go out sober.

You exit the pharmacy and decide you're just gonna walk your next couple destinations to avoid spending anymore money.

Your next stop wasn't that far anyway. You were disappointed you had the directions to the place memorized.

You finally stand outside the small faded, pale blue house. You spot the usual black chrysler parked out front signaling he's at home.

You head up the small steps and knock three times and then pause before knocking twice more. The door swings open just a few seconds later. "Y/n? Holy shit."

"Hey." You say shoving your hands in the front pocket of your sweater. "Can I come in?"

Alex nods and steps to the side so you can pass him to get inside. "Looks like it's about to rain." He says as he makes sure no one follows behind you.

You sigh and plop down on his couch. "Yeah. It's been sprinkling here and there but it's gonna start pouring down soon."

"Mm." He takes a seat on a stool that sat by his tall table. "So what's up, man? I haven't seen you in a long ass time."

Alex was your old drug dealer. Well honestly, he was more than just that. He was a friend. A friend way before he even started selling.

He actually was the first friend you ever made. The two of you sat next to eachother in class in kindergarten and ended up having every class together up until high school.

The best part is, it was never sexual or weird. It was completely platonic. Not that he was ugly or anything, he was honestly kinda cute but you just never saw him that way and vice versa.

Once you got to high school, the two of you drifted apart and both went downhill. He started selling drugs and you started doing them.

He only started selling because his mom got cancer his freshman year and he wanted to make money fast in order to help since his dad wasn't around.

Sadly, she passed away anyways and he just kept on selling.

"I need a blunt more than ever." You admit. He laughs. "I got you. Blue Dream still your favorite strain?"

You smile. "You remember." You lay down so that your exhausted body lays across the couch now. "I'll take anything at this point."

He takes out a box with small little drawers and begins to take out small baggies. "I just got some in so you're lucky."

You stare up at his ceiling and then take a look around the room. "This place hasn't changed at all."

"Want me to roll up for you?" He asks. "You look like you don't have any energy to do so."

You shrug and sit up. "Sure."

You watch him as he breaks down the strongly scented weed and sets it nicely in between the spilt open blunt before he seals it shut.

He looks up at you while he rolls. "I got stronger stuff, you know?"

You look up from his fingers to meet his eyes but he's already looking down again. "Yeah? Like what?"

He holds up the blunt when he's finished and grabs his lighter to use the flame to melt it shut. "The usual. Your favorite."

You feel your heart stop for a moment and then you shift uncomfortably. "I don't do that anymore."

He laughs and hands you the finished product. "Ah, so the rumors are true. You really did stop partying."

You don't say anything. Was it really already that widely spread of a rumor?

"It's so weird because you used to love doing all that. You were the life of the party." He says dusting his hands off.

He walks over to the sink and begins to wash his hands.

"I was depressed." You say in a low voice.

He frowns and shuts the water off. "Huh?"

"I was depressed and none of you noticed." You repeat, your voice more clear this time.

He stays quiet. He stares at you as he dries his hands with a rag.

"Remember when I overdosed?" You ask.

His eyes blink hard as that catches him off guard. "Uh... yeah. Right before you left, right?"

You nod. "And everyone thought it was an accident?"

He hesitates. He could tell where this was going. "Yeah."

"It wasn't. I tried to kill myself." You say looking right at him. He just stares at you, completely speechless.

You wait for a response but one never comes so you sigh and stand up. "Just thought someone should know." You take a 20 dollar bill out of your wallet and set it on the table. "Thanks."

You grab you stuff and start to head for the door.

"Hey, y/n."

You turn back around and see his eyes hold sadness in them.

He pops his fingers awkwardly as he tries to find the best way to put the words he wants to say together.

"I know we aren't close anymore but we used to be. You also saved my ass once. That one party where the cops raided and you helped me hide my shit. I would've went to jail that night if you didn't help so if you ever need anything, I got you." He lets out.

You nod. "Thanks."

You reach for the door handle but stop when you hear him add something else. "Not even just drugs. Anything. A ride. A friend."

You blink at him not really sure what to respond back. You look around the room helplessly to find something to help you come up with a response.

You spot a black pocketknife with purple flames on it resting on the table. "Actually, can I have that?"

He frowns and look down at the object. "This? What for?" He asks holding it up.

You shrug. "Protection."

He studies you carefully for a moment but then hands it to you. "You're not gonna kill yourself with it, are you?" He laughs anxiously trying to make light of the situation.

You take the pocket knife and tuck it safely into your purse. "Yeah and it's gonna be your fault because you gave it to me." You say flatly.

His smile drops and he looks like he might puke or faint or maybe even both at the same time.

You laugh and open the front door. "Just kidding. Relax."

He walks to the door to walk you out. "You're crazy, you know that?" He says out of breath.

"You just now realizing that?" You tease as you step down the steps.

"I've known it for years actually." He taunts back. "Hey, where's your car? You need a ride somewhere?"

You shake your head. "I'm just gonna walk over to the cemetery. It's not far from here anyway."

His face returns to a pitiful state. "Oh. You gonna go see your dad or something?"

"Yeah. See you later, okay?" You say walking away.

"Later Alligator." He says loud enough for you to hear from where you now stand.

You turn around and smile. The two of you used to always say goodbye to each other that way when you were kids.

It was something your dad had taught you one time when Alex came over to play in your treehouse.

"It's better to say see you later or see you soon instead of goodbye. That way you'll look forward to seeing them again."

"In a while crocodile." You finish.

He lifts up a hand in the air and waves. "Say hi to the old man for me."

He disappears back into the house and you start to make your way to the cemetery just a few blocks down.

The closer you get to the graveyard, the more you realize how close you are to your house. The cemetery was just around the corner from your house.

No way you were showing up there though. Especially after everything.

A shiny, chrome blue lamborghini zooms past you and you watch as it does as you continue to walk on the sidewalk.

Then suddenly, it starts to reverse all the way to you. You frown as you watch the window roll down.

"Well, well, well." Gojo grins. "If it isn't my lucky day."

You roll your eyes in attempt to hide your smile. "Just when I thought this day couldn't any worse."

He laughs and flashes his blinding white smile. "You know you love me, girl. Come on, let me take you wherever you're going."

"I can walk actually." You say fixing your bag's strap as it falls from your shoulder.

He clicks his tongue. "You're way too pretty to be walking these streets alone." He points a long finger to the sky. "Plus, it's about to start raining down hard."

You look up and see the gray clouds above twisting together sinisterly as they prepare for the storm.

There was really no point. You were gonna be outside anyway so either way you were gonna get caught in the rain but you decide take him up on his offer anyway.

One, because you knew he wasn't gonna stop bugging you until you gave in. Second, your body felt like it was gonna give out any moment. You hadn't eaten for days nor slept. It was a miracle you weren't passed out somewhere.

"Fine." You sigh. You make your way to the other side of the car and the door open but instead of off to the side like a normal car, it opens upwards.

Of course, he had scissor doors and a lamborghini.

You step inside his car and you're immediately hit with the smell of expensive cologne. It smelled amazing.

And unfortunately, excruciatingly familiar when it dawns on you that Eren owns this cologne and it was one of his personal favorites. Yours too.

Once the door closes, Gojo turns to you. "So where to? Your house?" He grins.

You glare him. "Nice try. Cemetery actually."

He pushes his dark shades down his nose bridge to get a better look at you. "You gonna go hang out in a cemetery? By yourself?"

You nod. "Mmhm."

He stares at you for a moment and then smiles as he shakes his head and begins to drive. "You're kinda weird. I like that."

You laugh. "Thanks. I think."

Since you were already half way to the cemetery already by foot, the car ride was short and quick.

Gojo pulls into the front gate of the cemetery and puts the car in park. "So what did you come here for again?"

You take the bag of weed and rolled blunt out of your pocket and hold it up. "For this."

His neon, ice blue eyes widen. "Oh shit! Can I join?"

You open up the door and step out. "Nope. Thanks for the ride though."

The door starts to close behind you and before it closes fully, Gojo shouts, "Call me!"

He speeds off before you can even get a word in. You shake your head and laugh. The two of you never even exchanged numbers so even if you did have a phone, you couldn't call even if you wanted to.

You begin to make your way toward the massive tree in the graveyard.

There were a good amount of trees here but the one your dad was buried under definitely was the largest one coincidentally.

You let out a deep, heavy sigh and wearily sit down on the ground in front of the grave. "Long time, no see."

You adjust your legs to sit comfortably and take the blunt out from your pocket. "I brought you something."

You set it down on your lap while you search for your lighter in your bag. There's the faint sound of thunder off in the distance.

Once you retrieve it, you place the blunt in between you lips, holding it in place while you bring the lighter's burning flame to the end of it.

You inhale sharply to get it going and take the first hit. You feel instant relief.

You reach into your bag, using your lips to hold the blunt while your hands are occupied.

You take out the gifted pocket knife and click it open. The sharp blade becoming exposed. "Yeah, there's no way in hell I can do this sober."

You set it down on the soft earth beside you and bring your knees to your chest as you take the next hit.

While you're inhaling, you take a look at his gravestone and read the words scripted into the rock.

Loved Father. Loved Son. Loved Brother. Loved Husband. Loved Friend. Loved by many.

You scoff at the words Loved Husband as you blow out smoke. You ash the blunt against your knee and bring the blunt back to your mouth.

Your eyes meet the dead, withered flowers at the foot of the gravestone. They were the flowers you brought the last time you were here.

It seemed so long ago even though it wasn't. You had came with Eren and he was the one who actually purchased the flowers.

You had also bumped into your mom here and she cried and apologized to you for everything and claimed to have regret it all and swore she changed.

That, as we all know, wasn't true at all but you believed it at the time. Well, more like you wanted to.

Life was good at that time. You had all your friends, drama free. No one knew about you and Eren except maybe Pieck and Zeke. Maybe Sasha. It was peaceful.

You had good grades. You had fun with your friends. You were barely falling in love with Eren or atleast just realizing you were.

So you had thought, why not? Why not forgive her? You had forgiven Pieck so why not her?

And it turned out to all be a lie. She hasn't changed at all.

But for the quickest moment, you believed she did.

It's crazy how much has changed since then in such a short amount of time.

"I came alone this time." You say plucking dry petals from the deceased flowers. "I bet you're wondering what happened to that guy I was with. Or maybe you already know cause you saw everything. You know that whole watching down on me shit? I don't know how that works if it's real or not."

You sigh. "Anyway, in order to avoid repeating the whole story I'm just gonna assume you already know. He broke my heart, I got revenge, blah, blah, blah."

You continue to pluck more petals leaving the flowers looking naked. "The funny thing about revenge is it doesn't always make you feel better."

"But you know, it did feel amazing there for a moment." You say looking up at the tree that hovers over you.

"The moment I saw the pain I felt inflicted back on to the person who gave it to me. I turned my back and danced because I was happy. Everything was beautiful. I felt on top of the world." You speak with awe in your voice as you recall the sensation.

You look back down at the parched flowers. "It was such as quick moment but it was there. I had a glimmer of happiness."

You crush the plucked petals in your hand causing it to make a satisfying crunching noise. "Maybe that makes me an awful person that I wanted to hurt him back."

Your eyes flicker up to the gravesite in front of you as if you were actually speaking to someone. "But I deserved that moment. Such a tragically quick moment."

You laugh through your nose. "And then it ended. Just as quick as it happened. In a blink of an eye, I felt miserable all over again."

You feel sadness wash over you. "Because I realized he told me he loved me for the first time, first time he's ever fucking said it to anyone, yet I still chose revenge."

You laugh as pained laugh and shake your head. "And I remember thinking to myself, god, what a stupid fucking person."

You look back down at the stripped stems that rest by your feet. "I missed him so much because we hadn't spoken for days nor seen each other. And normally I wouldn't care because I don't mind not talking to people. I prefer it actually."

"But with him...I just couldn't." You admit.

You sit up straight. "But he hurt me and now i'm stupid and insecure again and doing stupid shit and making myself realize everything I hate about myself."

You groan and cover your face with your hands. "God, what is wrong with me? Why does it feel like my life is doomed? I try and try, it seems like somewhere along the way I always make the wrong choice."

"And I'm just..I'm just fucking over it." You laugh. "I'm done."

[play Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish here]

"I look pretty rough compared to how you saw me last, huh?" You ask.

Even though you push out a laugh, your chest aches. This was it.

"That's because I finally stopped trying."

Because you're talking to a dead person buried six feet under, there's no response. Just trees swaying aggressively with the strong wind guiding the storm closer.

Orange and brown leaves race past you, the ones that got swept up by the wind do little tornadoes against the ground.

"It was all fine. If anything, it was perfect. Just for a moment. I had said it from the beginning that it felt a dream. Like my life was too good to be true." You say.

You sigh and ash the blunt again. "Maybe I ended up jinxing it."

You look up at the sky once you start to feel tiny, tiny sprinkles of rain hit your skin. "What's that saying? What's done in the dark will always find a way to shine, right?"

"A part of me feels selfish for leaving them all behind but I've done it before and they weren't hurt. They were fine." You inhale.

The gray smoke flows out of you. You watch the images that form in front of you as it twists and turns in the air.

You try to point out what kind of pictures the smoke makes but all you see are scary faces. You felt like you were taking an inkblot test.

You watch as the smoke flies higher up until it eventually disappears. "Nobody even noticed."

"They won't this time either. But this time, I'm not just moving an hour away. I don't know where I'm gonna go but it's gonna be far away." You say, your eyes off to the distance.

The sky rumbles a few miles away. The storm was getting closer and closer.

"I miss being a kid back when everything was beautiful. Before I knew the things I know now. Before I found out how truly cruel life can be." You say taking an even bigger hit.

You start reminiscing on the night your dad caught you smoking weed in the backyard. You were probably 15 at the time and shitting bricks when you saw him climb up your old treehouse.

You thought you were done for. Grounded for life.

But instead, he laughed and sat beside you. He plucked the amateurly rolled joint from your fingertips and took a hit from it. "If you're gonna risk getting your ass beat by your mom, you might as well get the good shit."

You scoffed and laughed. He smoked with you for a while and told you his stories of when he was your age and all the crazy, reckless things he did.

You remember asking him if he smoked since he was hitting your joint so easily. He hesitated for a moment but then proceeded to nod. "Here and there. When I need it."

You frowned. "Need it? Like when you have a bad day?"

He laughed. "If I smoked every time I had a bad day, I'd be up here smoking every single day."

Because he laughed, you laughed with him. It completely flew over your head.

He said it out loud. He admitted it.

And you just laughed.

"I didn't mean to laugh." You whisper to the stone in front of you.

The wind gets stronger now. You take a big hit, the biggest you probably ever attempted to take and feel the smoke fill up your lungs.

"I understand why you smoked here and there. Life is terrifying sober." You say quietly.

You felt stupid talking to just a block of cement because you knew you'd get no response.

But for some reason, it felt like you could hear him.

"Everyone is always saying how strong I am but I'm tired of being the strong one. I want to be weak because being strong is so draining." You admit.

You look up at the sky as it brews above you. The grey clouds transitioning into a charcoal color. "And I'm just so fucking tired."

Small droplets from above continue to kiss your malnourished skin as you look up to the dark sky. It was perfect gloomy weather.

"Do you remember when we would dance around in the rain?" You ask. You bring the blunt back to your lips. "I've always loved the rain."

You look down at your boots as the front of them touch together. "I never got my kiss in the rain like in the movies."

You chuckle softly. "There's actually a lot of things I never got. So much I still wanted to do."

A tear falls from your eyes and slowly glides down your cheek mixing in with the rain drops. "I actually thought I was gonna get everything I wanted but things got so messed up so quick."

"But I tried. I really did. I even tried to pretend to be somebody else but it wasn't enough. I try so hard to get people to understand me when I don't even understand myself." You sigh with defeat.

"Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me." You state.

"And everyone suddenly wants to apologize to me now that's it's too late. I hate it. I hate everyone. I wish I was more of a forgiving person but I can't. It's not fair that they can do whatever fucked up shit to me and I'm just supposed to forgive them for it. Just because they think sorry will fix everything."

They don't deserve you

Your eyes shoot open and your heart jumps.

Is that really his voice? Or is it the one in your head?

Why do they sound so alike?

He's gone. There's no way it's really him. So why is your mind playing tricks on you? Why was your brain so desperate to sabotage everything?

And why were you so willing to let it?

How long have you been like this?

"Just let it happen."

The shooting.

When you were in the hospital in that mini coma, you saw him, saw your dad.

It felt so real like he was right there. Did it start there?

Did the shooting reawaken your trauma? Did it trigger something in you?

"Life is hard. Death is easier."

He was convincing you to stay with him. Part of you really wanted to.

Just like you do now.

It all began there. You were always a little messed up in the head but ever since then, it's been worse. You were never the same.

"Tell.. my mom and dad.. I love them, o-okay?"

You weren't hallucinating because you were losing blood or in shock. Your mind was already begin to collapse. The disease began to eat at your brain while you were at your weakest.

It was like a demon who prays on the weak. It waited for the perfect moment. It was the predator and you were the prey.

An invasive species that ate at everything good inside you.

A parasite.

The joint was about half way now. The closer it got to your fingertips the more weaker you felt. It was like finally crossing a finish line. A bright light just an arm's length away.

"I finally understand why you did it. I understand how you felt." You say.

"I used to hate you for leaving us behind. For being selfish and taking the easy way out. For pretending you were fine and happy when you really weren't." You take some more hits, the blunt getting smaller and smaller.

You laugh as tears spill. "But I finally fucking get it."

Your hands were shaking now. You weren't sure if it's because you were cold or your body was finally giving out on you.

"Was it hard though? To leave us behind? Or at least me?" You ask. "Did you even think about me?"

You felt yourself grow angry again but it instantly goes away. "Not that I can judge. I have people I should probably be thinking about too."

You chuckle and stare at the burning object between your fingers. "It's kinda funny. I have alot of people I know will be sad if I die but-"

"At the same time, I've never felt more alone."

You start to laugh and wipe tears and rain from your face with you sleeve. "So I fucking get it."

You sniffle and look down at the damp earth underneath you. "It must've been hard. So I forgive you. Just like I hope they'll forgive me."

You take one last hit and you can feel the blunt start to burn your fingertips since it's now too tiny to hold.

There's a small murky puddle beside you and you drop the roach in there. "I don't wanna leave them behind. I wish I could take them with me. Pieck, Sasha, Hitch and everyone else."

You let out a deep sigh that resides in the deepest part of your chest. "But the one person I'll miss the most is..."

  ☾ eren ☽

Eren pulled into the driveway of your childhood home. He has only been here once before and it was the night your mom invited both of you over for dinner.

He recalls the whole scene prior to that. How the two of you bumped into her at the cemetery and she cried and asked for forgiveness.

You had given in at the time, surprisingly. It had caught Eren off guard how easily you forgave her. But he understood it was because you wanted desperately to believe she was telling the truth.

And from the small hint that Hitch gave him, it seems she hasn't at all.

It was eating him up that he didn't know what went down. He was so used to you telling him everything and always coming straight to him when something happened. Sometimes he was even there to witness it first hand.

But things were different now and he's no longer the person you tell these things to. He's no longer the person you run to.

He stares at the house for a moment before he steps out of his car. He didn't know why he was so hesitant to go in there. He knew you weren't inside so why was he so nervous?

Eren takes a deep breath and turns the car off. Once he's out the vehicle and the door closes shut behind him, he makes his way up to the front door.

He had never spoken to your mom alone without you before and he honestly wasn't even sure what to expect.

Normally, he wouldn't be nervous. He was never the type to get shy around anyone. With the exception of you, of course.

But the fact that this was your mother, the woman who gave birth to you, made it a bit intimidating.

He felt it was necessary to leave a good impression on her even though the two of you weren't close at all. If she decided she didn't like him, it wouldn't change your mind at all about him. If anything, you'd stay with him just out of spite.

His finger presses firmly on the doorbell and there's a soft chime that echos.

He waits for a moment but there's no response.

Great. Now what?

He turns to look at the driveway and sees a car parked there so there's gotta be someone home. He waits and waits for a couple more minutes but there's no answer.

Letting out a disappointed and frustrated sigh, he turns around to start heading back to his car when the door finally opens.

"Eren? Is that you?"

He spins around quickly and sees your mom standing at the door. She looks half asleep like she was probably taking a nap or something before he interrupted.

"Uh yes, sorry to bother you." He stammers as he walks back to the front door.

She waves a hand dismissively. "You're fine, I was just taking a small nap." She tilts her head to peek behind him and frowns. "Y/n isn't with you?"

Eren returns the same facial expression. "No? I'm actually looking for her. She isn't here with you?"

She sighs and steps aside so he can come inside. He takes up her offer and steps into the home.

Closing the door behind him, she looks down at the ground. "I really did think she was gonna go with you."

Eren was starting to grow concerned when he realized this means she doesn't know where you are either.

No one does.

"I don't understand. What happened?" He asks.

She rubs at her forehead and paces the kitchen. "We got into an argument and it got really personal and I said something I probably shouldn't have said."

Eren's body began to twitch like it was fighting the urge to run or scream or hit something. "Like what?"

She pauses her pacing to stare at him for a moment. She bites down on her thumbnail. A nervous habit he just now realizes you adopted from her.

He tries to read her face for context clues of some sort and he feels his mouth go dry when he sees her eyes grow worrisome.

"I told her that she was an accident and I was forced to have her and marry her dad. I told her that I'm not a good mother because I never wanted to be one. I never wanted a daughter. I got stuck with one." She confesses.

She said it so... easily.

Eren freezes for a moment. "You..." He felt rage swarm his blood stream consuming his body. "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT?!"

Diana's arms spread wide defensively. "She wanted to know! She kept pushing for the truth and she got it."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how she's been feeling already? Did you even notice? Do you ever care? Don't blame her for your shitty parents!" He snaps. "She doesn't deserve that shit and you know it."

So much for leaving a good impression.

Diana was about to see just how much of a hothead Eren could be. How similar to her daughter he truly is and why they get along so well.

The anger issues, the sharp tongue.

And she indeed notices. He can tell because she looks at him in shock. He had always been respectful and polite each time he saw her. He never thought he'd see the day he spoke to her this way.

And clearly neither did she.

"I know it isn't her fault." She says, her voice much quieter now. "But it's the truth. She asked for it. She should learn how to handle it if she wants to know things so badly."

He attempts to relax to prepare himself for the next answer. "How did she handle it then?"

She looks down at the ground and her fingers fiddle with the necklace around her neck, sliding the pendant side to side. "She started saying weird stuff."

"Weird stuff? Like what?" He asks.

She shakes her head with her eyes gently closed. "This shouldn't be happening. I told them I would be a bad mother."

Eren felt himself getting angry again. All he wanted was a simple fucking answer. First Hitch now Diana. It was infuriating. "What?! What happened?"

Her shoulders sag and her arms hang weakly. "She took off! She screamed at me like a psycho to stop in the middle of the road and she took off running with all her stuff!"

Eren's heart hesitates. "What?"

Diana's voice cracks and her eyes glisten. "She started talking about how she's like her dad and how she tired of everything and-"

Her hand comes up to her mouth, her fingertips grazing her lips. "Oh my god."

"What?!" Eren repeats, his voice more frantic.

Eren can see her eyes grow with realization. She began to put everything together. The way you were acting, the way you looked. It was all too familiar.

Better late than never, I guess.

And late she definitely was.

"She's gonna.." She whispers. "Oh god, not again. Why this again?"

[ play As The World Caves In by Matt Maltese here and keep it playing even when it gets to y/n's part]

Eren began to breathe harder and harder as his mouth becomes impossibly dry. His stomach twisted painfully and his throat squeezed tightly.

She drops to her knees and places her face in her hands. "First him, now her. I can't take it anymore."

"Hey." Eren calls.

She looks up. "I didn't sign up for this! I had a fun life! It was perfect until I slipped up and made one mistake that I'm paying for forever. I'm not a therapist or a psychologist! I didnt want to spend my life having to take care of two cra-"

"Hey!" Eren yells. He kneels to the ground and grabs her by the shoulders. "She didn't ask for this shit either."

A tear falls from her eye and she laughs a defeated laugh. "I knew she was gonna end up just like him. I saw all the signs since she was a kid but I pretended they weren't there."

Eren's eyes dart back to forth from her eyes. "Tell me you're not saying what I think you are."

She shrugs weakly and more tears spill from her eyes. She shakes her head slowly. "I tried to get her to change. I tried to make her different from him but..."

One final tear falls down her cheek. "She's like him to the very end."

"What?" Eren croaks. "No."

He releases her and jumps back on his feet. "No. She wouldn't."

He stumbles backwards. "She..."

And then it hits him like an 18-wheeler.

She would.

He immediately takes off running, leaving your sobbing mother on the ground.

He runs straight to his car, practically throwing himself into it.

Where do I go? Where do I go?

His shaky hands struggle to put his keys into the ignition causing him to panic even more.

Come on, you idiot. Think!

The keys finally make their way in and he starts the car. He looks around for any sort of sign or hint he can use to begin his search process.

And then he sees it.

The notorious big tree in your childhood backyard.

He knew for a fact you weren't there. You definitely weren't at the one at school.

So there was one other place left to go.

He just prayed he was right.

And prayed he'd make it on time.

                                       ☼ y/n ☼

You pick up the jet black pocket knife with neon violet flames printed on it.

You press the small button on the side and the knife jumps out. It was sharp and shiny still like it hadn't been used.

"This thing is so ugly." You laugh, tears pouring out your flooded eyes. "I'm really going out in style, aren't I?"

Finding humor til the very end.

Your breathing begins to pick up pace along with your heartbeat. You couldn't deny you were a little scared.

"I want it to be quick. Quick and easy." You cry. "I just want it all over with."

You try to think of where it would hurt less or where it was a quicker. Painless and straight to the point.

Then it hits you that it doesn't matter if it hurts. This is the last time you'll feel pain. The last time you'll feel anything.

You laugh as you cry. A bit of snot comes out and you wipe it with your sleeve. "Shit. This is really happening. This is it."

It'll all be over soon.

"Finally." You breathe.

For a moment, you swear you hear someone screaming but you've been hearing so many different noises in your head that you just ignore it.

Wait. Why does it sound like it's getting closer?

You turn your head to the noise and your eyes widen when you see a figure running straight toward you.

Is that...

He tackles you straight onto the damp earth, the knife flying out your hand. You hit your head hard and you start seeing stars and grow dizzy.

You feel small drops of what you assume is rain fall onto your cheeks but when your vision refocuses, you see it's not raindrops. It's tears.

Eren hovers over you. His hands pin you down hard by your wrists. He was crying so hard that you couldn't make out what he was saying or maybe it's because you couldn't hear him well with all the other sounds.

But whether you could understand him or not, there was no mistake he was crying. The salty tears raining down on you were proof of that.

Eren?

"What..." You try to make sense of what's happening. "How did you..."

You turn to your left and see the pocket knife just a few inches from your fingertips, hiding in the grass. 

It finally clicks to you what was happening.

"Get off me!" You scream. You start kicking and thrashing but it's no use. His whole body weight and strength pinned you down firmly.

You try to wiggle your fingers to reach the knife but he grips your wrists harder. "Y/n, stop!"

You start to sob uncontrollably. "Get off me!" You cry. "Let me finish!"

"No! Are you crazy?! I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!" He shouts back.

You continue to squirm but he doesn't budge. You cry even harder, like a literal child. Screaming, kicking, bawling.

He begins to cry more as he watches you struggle. He could hear the pain in your voice. He could see it written all over you.

This really was what you wanted. He could tell. You really, truly did want to die.

He hated seeing you in pain. It made his heart ache painfully. It hurts more when he realizes he has no idea how to make the pain go away.

Here he was, literally putting all his weight on you as you kick and thrash the hardest you can to grab a knife a few terrifying inches from your fingertips.

He knew you weren't gonna stop, you were stubborn that way. He could pin you down all night long and you would still fight him.

This was what you really wanted. He could see it. You had officially given up.

Eren wanted to give you everything. Every single thing your heart has ever desired.

But this? He couldn't give this to you. No matter how badly you wanted it.

He had to make you stop somehow. He needed to find a way to change your mind.

He searches his mind for ideas.

What would Mom say to do?

What would Dad do? Or Zeke?

He had no idea. As hard as he tried to think of how they would handle this situation, he couldn't.

But in the end, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how they would've handled it, it only matters how he would.

Because only he knows how to. Only he understands how that beautiful twisted mind of yours functions and what causes that fragile heart to pulsate.

No one other than him could stop you right now. So it had to be done his way. As unhinged as it may be, he knew this method would work best.

"Fine." He says coming off of you to sit up. He grabs the knife quickly before you can even attempt to grab it. "Wherever you go, I go."

You sit up and wipe harshly at your nose. "What are you talking about? Give it back."

He holds the knife to his throat. "You wanna die so bad, I'm going with you. You're not gonna leave me behind."

You flinch and internally panic when you see him hold the knife to his throat dangerously close.

He wouldn't.

"You're bluffing. I know you're just trying to scare me." You stand your ground.

He isn't fazed. "Oh yeah?" He lifts up his hand and slices his palm open. The blood immediately spills out.

You gasp and jump toward him. "Stop!" You try to reach for the knife but he quickly yanks it away and holds it back to his throat.

"You go, I go." He repeats. The blood coated blade was even closer than before, pressing tauntingly at the skin on his neck.

"Okay! Okay!" You cry as you watch the blood drip down his arm from the fresh wound on his hand. "Stop! I'll stop!"

He presses harder. "Promise?"

Since there was already blood on the blade, you couldn't tell if what was from the cut on his hand or from his neck. "Yes! Yes! I promise!" You panic.

You begin to cry again. "Please stop."

He throws the knife across the field and you rush into his arms, attacking him with a hug.

You cry and cry into his arms, practically wailing. He hugs you the tightest he ever has and comforts you while you let it all out.

"Don't ever scare me like that again." He says softly as he kisses your cheek gently and rubs your back as it trembles.

"I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm losing my mind." You sob.

"I know, baby." He continues rubbing circles along your backside. "I know."

You cry until it's all drained out of you. You hiccup as your body tries to return back to its normal state. Your eyes already began to sting and feel swollen. Your skin underneath your nose was sensitive and raw from all the rough rubbing of your sleeve.

He said nothing and just waited until you let it all out. Holding you while you cried like a baby.

Finally, your body relaxes and your weeping turns into soft sniffles. You wipe at your nose one final time and look down at his drenched shoulder. "I got snot on you."

He laughs softly. "Wouldn't be the first time."

This earns a chuckle from you too. You hold him tighter. This is what you needed. A good crying sesh and a hug from him. It was amazing how he could easily just fix things just by being present.

He returns the gesture by holding you firmer as well. "Y/n?"

"Hm?" You hum.

He hesitates for an moment. "What am I to you?"

You freeze. You slowly pull away from him so you're now looking directly at his face. "What?"

"What am I to you?" He repeats.

"You..." Your face begins to burn with embarrassment. "What kind of question is that?! Ask yourself that! You're the one who never asked me to be your girlfriend and the night you claimed you were going to, you actually broke my heart instead!"

He presses his lips together and tries his hardest not to laugh. A small smile begins to form.

"Don't you dare laugh." You warn.

His cheeks swell up. Weird noises escape his mouth as the laugh tries to force its way through. He was practically choking trying to hold it down.

"I'll go find that knife and cut you." You joke. He lifts up his hand. "Like this?"

You gasp and grab his hand. For a moment there you had completely forgotten.

You also forget you have a similar wound on your hand as well. You hold out your palm, exposing it.

They looked practically identical except yours was a bit more messier and his was more of a line. One on accident, the other on purpose.

But other than that, they were mirrored.

He grabs your hand. "That from the mirror?"

You nod, your eyes still comparing the matching cuts. Your head shoots up. "Wait. How do you know it was from the mirror?"

"I stopped by your dorm." He takes gauze out of his pocket and a small disinfectant alcohol wipe packet. "I knew your dumbass didn't wrap it up either."

You stare at him in disbelief. He looks at you as he bites the packet open. His eyebrows come together as his face becomes stern and serious in a comical way like he's mimicking someone. "It can get infected, you know? You need to take care of yourself."

You fight a smile when you realize he's mimicking you and the roles are now reversed. You were the one who settled for soap and water now. "Funny."

He cleans around the wound and starts to wrap the bandage around. You notice he does it the same way you do. He must've caught on after all the times you've done it for him.

"We should do your hand, not mine. Yours is fresh." You say trying to pull your hand away.

He yanks it back toward him and looks you dead in the eye. "Stop."

His voice was deep and commanding. And you're fully aware this isn't the time and the place but... it was definitely hot.

"Who is the suicidal manic now?" He teases.

You frown, completely confused and oblivious to what he's referring to until you remember that's what you used to always call him when you first started hanging out.

You shove him and laugh. "Be quiet." Once he's done, you rip the left over gauze from him. "Your turn. Come here."

You hold out your hand and he places his on top of it. He hands you another small packet of wipes and you rip it open with your teeth.

"I guess we have matching scars now." You mention as you dress the wound. You clean as much as you can and then start to wrap the bandage. You keep your eyes on his palm and you realize he's being oddly quiet.

You look up at him and catch him already staring right back at you. "What?" You ask.

"You're so beautiful." Eren says in awe.

You smile and shake your head. "All done." You announce releasing his hand.

He holds it up to his face. "That was quick."

You shrug. "Practice, I guess."

He does a slow 360 of his hand and then opens and closes his fists over and over. "Yeah, looks like I need to because you did it way better."

"Thanks." You say switching your body around to face the grave in front of you again, your knees up to your chest. Your arms wrapped around your legs and your chin rests on top of your kneecaps.

He scoots to sit beside you. "You should be a doctor or nurse or something."

You wrinkle your nose and look at him. "I'd be a terrible nurse."

"Why? You're always taking care of my cuts and shit. You're good at it." He debates.

You shake your head and look forward again. "That's because it's you. I care about you so I want to take care of you. I don't care about random people."

Your chin finds its way back to its spot. "Plus, I'm the last person who should be giving anyone any sort of medical advice or help."

Eren shrugs. "That's true." He teases.

He expects you to laugh or roll your eyes or even shove his shoulder like you always do but you don't.

You just stay quiet and continue to look ahead at the gravestone in front of you.

He's about to scoot closer to you and attempt to make another joke to make you feel better but he gets interrupted by your sudden confession.

"I don't think we should be together."

Eren halts. "What?"

You bury your face in the space between your chest and folded legs. "You heard me."

"If this is still about what I did at the Halloween party, I think we're pretty fucking even now." He starts.

"It's not about that!" You yell but it comes out muffled.

The wind howls past the two of you, shaking trees and blowing past nearby wind chimes causing them to make pretty music.

"Then what is it about?" Eren asks.

You ignore him. You were scrunched into a shell as you hug your body and hide in it.

"Hey." He says scooting closer to you until he's right next to you. He gently tugs on your ear. Something his mom used to always do to him when she wanted him to say something.

You move your head a little. "I don't want to make you miserable like my dad and I made my mom. I don't want you to feel stuck with me."

Eren shakes his head. "Being stuck with you doesn't sound bad at all."

You finally look at him. "Eren, I don't think you get it. This isn't gonna be easy. I'm... well, I don't know what I am but I just know I'm not okay."

"I know."

"And it's gonna take time for me to get better."

"I know."

"There might even be a possibility that I won't."

"I know."

You stare at him. "Stop saying I know."

"But I do. I know it's not gonna be easy but I'm willing to do it anyway if it means I get to be with you." He admits.

You scoff. "You're an idiot."

"Why?" He laughs.

"Because I'm giving you a chance to get out of this!" You yell, your arm extended out pointing outward. "You can leave and not have to deal with any of this."

You reach down and grab his hands. "You can be happy. That's all I want for you."

He looks at you with furrowed brows. "There's no way I can be happy if it isn't with you."

You ball up your fists. "Why? Why can't you understand we can't be together?"

"Because that's bullshit. I'm not accepting it. We didn't go through all that shit just to not end up together. Fuck no." He snaps.

"I DONT WANT YOU TO END UP HATING ME LIKE SHE DOES!" You shout.

He stares at you blankly. You sigh. "I don't want you to regret me. I'm tired of being a burden. That's why I just wanna be alone so I won't have to worry anyone."

"We worry because we care, dumbass. And I would never regret you because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He states firmly.

You keep up your side of the argument. "So you're fine with having to deal with this forever? Having to take care of someone who has all these issues? Having to deal with me hearing..." You trail off.

You didn't even know what to call it at this point.

"What? The voices?" He laughs. He waves a hand in the air like he's calling someone over. "I'll talk to them too. Put them on the phone."

You actually laugh a genuine laugh. "You're really are such an idiot."

Eren smiles and watches as you laugh beside him. His hand comes up to your cheek and his thumb caresses the soft skin. "Sometimes it feels like I live for the pure existence of making you smile and laugh because each time I do it, I feel like the most accomplished man alive."

You tilt your head slightly to lay your cheek gently on his hand and snuggle up to it. "So you're serious? You're actually willing to do this?"

He nods. "Never been more sure of anything ever."

You scoff and pull away from him. "I don't believe you."

He laughs and shakes his head at the ground. He groans as he stands up. "I had a feeling you'd might say that."

You look up at him and he extends a hand out to you. "I'll show you then. Come on."

You frown. "How?"

"Shut up and find out." He says.

You glare at him but then take his hand. He helps you up and you grab your belongings. He leads you over to his car that was parked horribly so you can tell he was in a rush.

He opens the car door for you and you step inside. Once he makes his way around and hops into the drivers seat, you turn to him. "Where are we going?"

"Sh." He shushes you. He grabs his airpods from the middle compartment between your two seats and sticks them in your ears.

He quickly plays a song on his phone before you can even realize what's happening. You open your mouth to ask what's going on but the song interrupts you.

He brings his hand over your eyes. "Close them."

You move his hand away. "Why?"

He ignores you and presses multiple times on the volume button on the side of his phone to make the music grow louder.

You frown and he turns the car on. He looks at you and with two fingers he pokes your eyes. "Ow!" You cry as you bring your hands to your now watery eyes.

"Close them." He says sternly. You groan. "But-"

"CLOSE THEM." He repeats. You roll your eyes before you agree to close them.

You lean back in the seat with your eyes shut and focus on the music playing in your ears. Each time you try to sneak a peek, Eren always caught you and brought a finger to your eye each time.

Eventually, you give up and just keep your eyes shut. For a moment, you even feel yourself fall asleep. Your body was overwhelmed and relieved with the opportunity to finally relax.

The rain tapping softly on the window and the music swiftly put your into a light sleep. Eren being beside you definitely helped aid you in that direction as well.

You find yourself actually sleeping for a good while and you start to wonder where exactly this man is taking you.

You try to open one eye as sneakily as possible and see him pass the sign that says "Now leaving Marley."

You try to pay attention to what direction he's taking you in and the more he drives, the more you notice the buildings turn into trees.

Are we going to...

You shoot up and rip the left airpod out of your ear. "Don't take me back to Para-"

Eren's right hand meets your forehead and he shoves you back down in the seat. "I'm not."

You rub at your forehead and turn to look out the window. "It sure fucking looks like it."

He glares at you. "Go back to sleep."

You lean back in the reclined seat with your arms crossed. "No."

Eren sighs. "Fine."

You watch as you get further away from the city and closer to the country. "Eren." You warn.

He ignores you. You sit up straight as more and more buildings disappear. "EREN I SWEAR TO GOD YOU BETTER NOT TAKE ME BACK THERE!"

"I'M NOT!" He shouts. He stops the car and turns it off. "My god, woman. You're gonna drive me fucking insane, you know that?"

He opens up his door. "Come on. We're here." You look out the window but the view is foggy due to the frosted glass.

You copy him by opening up your door and stepping out.

He leans up against the hood of his car with his hands in his pockets while he waits for you to join him.

When you do, you get a good glimpse of where exactly you are.

[visuals for the scene]

[play Wait by M83 here]

It was a large lavender field that spread for what looked like miles and miles. You had never seen it before.

"What is this place?" You ask.

He grabs your hand and begins to walk into the field and you trail slowly behind him. "My mom used to take me here all the time whenever I would get angry and needed to calm down. The lavender supposedly helps calm nerves and anxiety and stuff like that."

He now stands in the middle of the field and takes a seat on the soft earth. You sit down in front of him and take in the view.

The blades of lavender danced along beside the two of you as the wind pushed them around. The sky was getting darker and there was gloomy clouds surrounding the space above along with a hint of stars beginning to peek through.

Eren points to a small little cottage nearby. "See that house over there? It used to be my parent's house before they got the other one. It was their first house together."

"Who does it belong to now?" You ask studying the adorable little home. It was also still in good condition considering it was his parent's first house together.

And ironically, there was a gorgeous, massive tree that rested beside it.

"You." He says calling your attention back to him. You turn to him and see him dangling a pair of keys in front of you.

You stare at the keys for a moment trying to process if that was real or not. "What?"

Eren smiles softly. "This place is right in the middle of Paradis and Marley. I know you wanna run away far from both places but I also know you have too many people here that you'll miss if you leave."

You open your mouth to object but he's right. It was easy to leave the first time because you didn't care for the people you were leaving behind.

Now you actually had people you cared for.

And who cared for you.

"I don't deserve any of this." You say quietly.

"Says who?" Eren responds without hesitation.

"Says me!" You shout. Your voice cracks a little and you pray he doesn't notice.

He scoffs. "Bullshit." Both his hands come up to grab your face and pull you in front of his. "You deserve fucking everything and I'm gonna be the one to give you it all."

"But-" You start.

"Y/n, I know you've been criticized your whole life as a kid by your mom and that's why you created multiple versions of yourself to please everyone around you and that's why you think you're a shitty person but you're not, okay?" He says firmly.

"I know you. The real you. And that person is the most incredible human being I've ever met. After everything you've been through, you remain strong and smile through it all. You care and love hard even when you have every single reason not to."

His left hand remains on your cheek while his right one trails down to your chin and his thumb caresses your lip.

Just like he always used to.

"I love you, y/n. So damn much."

"I love you so much that I wanna be the person you annoy for the rest of your life. I wanna be the person who wipes away your tears. I wanna be the person to help you breathe when it feels like you can't. I wanna be the one to hold you and take care of you always."

"I promise to love you in this lifetime and even more in the next one. It's always gonna be me and you. Every life I live, I'll come find you. No matter what. There's no version of me that will never not love every version of you."

He sticks out his pinky. "I promise."

You stare down at the finger sticking out of his closed fist. "You..."

He laughs. "Yeah, I pinky promise. I know it seems childish and shit but I take them very serious, alright?"

I know.

You make a mental note to thank Amara later for the heads up.

You hook your pinky on to his. "In this lifetime and the next."

He smiles. "We will always find eachother."

You can't help as your lips curl into a bashful smile.

The two of you stare at eachother with cheesy smiles on your faces. Your connected pinkies release and there's a loud clap of thunder that causes both of you to turn your attention to the brewing sky.

"We should go. It's gonna start pouring down I think." You suggest.

Eren sighs and stands up. "I have a better idea."

You frown. "What is it?"

He head nods over to the car. "I'll show you. Come on."

The two of you carefully stomp out of the field, making sure not to crush any of the beautifully scented flowers.

Once you two make it safely inside the car, it begins to pour down. "Perfect timing." You tease. "I hope wherever you're taking me is inside."

He laughs and turns the car on. "Nope."

Your eyes jump open and you twist in your seat to face him. "What?! It's outside?"

"Relax." He says beginning to drive. "You're gonna like it. Promise."

There's the long bridge that hovers over the ocean and that connects Paradis and Marley together.

He stops just before crossing it off to the side, right by the shoreline. The two of you exit the vehicle and make your way to the edge.

He grabs your hand tightly as the two of you step over massive rocks that lined the edge. Because the storm had begun, aggressive waves began to crash loudly against the large stones.

You gasp and step back as ice cold water jumps at you. You look at him with wild eyes and he laughs. "You saw where my mom would take me..."

He turns to the stirring, endless ocean and spreads his arms out wide. "This is where my dad would."

You frown and he continues to explain. "Whenever I was stressed or angry, he would take me here while there was a storm."

You watch as the rain transitions from a soft drizzle into a steady shower. The thunder above getting louder and closer.

"We would just scream all our frustrations out. You can scream as loud as you want because no one can hear you over the waves crashing against the rocks." He explains.

He turns to you. "Try it."

You stumble backwards. "What? No, that's embarrassing."

"I'll scream with you." He offers. "Come on, you're gonna feel so much better, trust me."

You shrink into yourself. "Mm, okay. But you gotta promise you'll do it with me."

Eren laughs. "Alright, alright. I promise."

He stands up straight and looks right at the ocean. You do the same. His eyes then meet yours. "Ready? On the count of three."

You nod. Your heart was beating like crazy as adrenaline pumped throughout you.

"3.."

A loud clap of thunder.

"2.."

For a moment, everything is quiet. Just the sound of your heart thumping.

"1!"

As promised, the two of you scream as loud as you possibly can and right when you do, a ginormous wave crashes into the rocks below your feet and sends freezing cold ocean water straight toward you and Eren, smacking you both hard and sending you two straight to the floor.

You gasp sharply once you're fully drenched. "Oh..my god."

You turn to Eren who's laughing hysterically beside you.

"It's not funny!" You try your best not to laugh. "The water is fucking freezing!"

He covers his mouth to attempt to stop his cackling but he fails miserably when he sees how you look. He plucks a string of seaweed off your shoulder and the two of you begin to howl with laughter.

Once you begin to settle down, the two of you stand up again and he embraces you in a hug to keep you warm even though he was as equally soaked.

You rest your ear on his chest and even with the loud thunder and waves crashing, you can faintly hear his heart beat.

You look up at him, shining droplets clinging to your eyelashes. "I love you."

At the same time the words leave your lips, obnoxious thunder steals the show.

"What?" Eren asks loudly, his hand guarding his eyes as the wind gets stronger.

You laugh and stand back. "I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU." You scream repeatedly.

He grins. "Finally."

He grabs your arm and pulls you back to him. He kisses you hard and you feel everything instantly melt away along with your insides.

God, I missed this.

Then suddenly, it hits you.

You finally got your kiss in the rain.

Ever since you were little, you fantasized about that magical movie moment. The kiss in the rain.

You remember thinking Jean was gonna be the one to give it to you and now you're so fucking grateful he didn't.

It was Eren who made it finally happen. It couldn't have been anyone better.

The two of you continue to kiss and in between kisses, he mutters, "Be my girlfriend."

You respond with a giggle. "You gotta ask me."

He pulls away and his hands come up to your face as he looks you right in the eyes. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

You smile. "Took ya long enough, Jaeger. I died twice and came back waiting for you."

He laughs. "Shut up." He kisses you one last time and makes sure it's a passionate one at that.

"Let's run away. Wherever you wanna go, I'll go with you." He breathes once your lips part from each other.

"What?" You laugh.

"That's what you want right?" He asks. "Let's go. We can go live somewhere far where no one knows us. Where no one can fuck with us."

You just stare at him, speechless. He smiles and caresses your wet cheek. "The house in the lavender field will always be there for when we come visit."

"Is this for real? You wanna run?" You ask.

"Is that what you want?" He responds back.

You don't even hesitate. "Yes."

He holds out his hand. "Then come on! Let's go!"

You get flashbacks of the wedding when his hand was extended out to you just like this and the two of you ran to another wedding just so you could catch the bouquet.

You grin and take his hand and he immediately takes off running with you holding on to him.

You're a screaming and laughing mess as the two of you run and run in the pouring down rain.

All other noise was drowned out. You didn't even realize the persistent ringing was long gone since the moment you came into contact with him.

Even all the other noises, the waves crashing against the shore, the violent rain beating down on the ground. It was all silent except for the sound of his laughter.

He was louder than all of it. It was like all your doubt, worries and problems melted away and all you could focus on now was him.

In the back of your mind you told yourself, maybe this was part of the disorder. The mania part. The high.

You were terrified that in a spilt second, you'd be sad and depressed all over again.

But you pushed those thoughts down. All you focused on what right now was this moment right here.

Not the past. Not the future. Just the present.

It was crazy how just a couple hours ago, you were at your absolute lowest, ready to give up everything, to give up trying, to leave this world for good.

And he came and just changed all of that.

"I think the moon is following us."

"I think the moon is in love with me."

Turns out the moon really was in love with you. And was actually willing to follow you anywhere.

If only your younger self could see you now.

-

Eren drives you back to his house back in Paradis. You of course fought against it but considering it was the most reasonable option for the time being, you eventually gave in. Just for tonight.

You had left all your stuff in the hotel room and the two of you were soaking wet so a hot shower was very much needed.

When you're inside his massive home, the two of you separate to different bathrooms. You shower in his and he showers in the guest room.

As much as the two of you wanted to shower together, you felt it was best you showered alone so you could actually clean yourself rather than end up getting distracted and having sex in there.

The warm water felt incredible on your cold skin. The shower in your dorm or in the hotel room didn't compare to Eren's impressive shower jets at all.

After you're done, you wrap a towel around your body and walk back to his room where you see him already waiting for you.

His hair was down and it glistened in the light since it was still wet. A towel hugged at his waist while water droplets dripped down his naked body.

He smiles at you and tosses you a tshirt and a pair of boxers to change into. You quickly change into the clothes and crawl into his bed.

You always adored his bed. You weren't sure if it was his high quality comforter or his incredible mattress but it sure as hell beat the used bed you had in your dorm, not to mention the even older bed in your room back home.

Everytime you slept over at Eren's, you had the best night's sleep. It was like sleeping on a cloud. Him being beside you made it ten times better too.

Your body feels immediate relaxation as soon as your back lays flat against the fresh sheets. You felt a million times lighter, like all the weight was lifted off your shoulders.

You could pass out right here, right now. Your eyes bat lazily as you watch Eren drop his towel and start to change into some clothes.

No matter how many times you saw this view, you never got tired of it.

Once he's done, you hold out your hands, signaling him to join you in bed. He smiles and obliges willingly.

He snuggles up to you and your nose becomes filled with the aroma of his deodorant and lotion along with hints of his shampoo. You had almost forgotten how amazing he always smelled.

You lay your head on his bare chest and listen to his heartbeat. You tap your finger on his skin along with the rhythm, mimicking it perfectly.

Your tapping then turns into you drawing circles and shapes while you just listening to his breathing. "Eren."

"Mm?" He replies, half asleep.

"Thank you." You say softly. "For everything."

He kisses the top of your head. "Thank you."

You lift up your head to face him, your face confused. "For what?"

He smiles at you. "Everything."

You roll your eyes and lay your head back down again. It's quiet for a few moments. Just the sound of the two of you breathing and his ceiling fan spinning.

"Eren."

"Yeah?"

You ball up your fist and cringe. "I'm...I'm sorry. For what I did at the wedding. I hurt you because I wanted revenge and that was immature of me. And I know I always talk shit about apologies because they're meaningless and empty promises but I promise, I'll make it up to you and show you I mean it."

He chuckles softly. "It's okay. Not like I didn't deserve it."

You shrug. "That's true."

He laughs and then stays silent for a moment. "It hurt like a bitch but it wasn't all too bad. I mean, we had some crazy amazing sex."

You think back on it and your lips curl into a smile as your mind swarms you with vivid sex flash backs. "It was good, wasn't it?"

The two of you talk some more about things that happened recently, filling each other in on what the other person missed.

It seems like you go on for hours and you don't even remember falling fast asleep until you wake up later on confused.

You sit up and rub your eyes. It was pitch black in his room besides pale moonlight slipping past his curtains.

You stare at the boy beside you and he looks just like he always does when he sleeps. It never fails to make you melt, he was adorable.

His phone rests on the nightstand beside you and you hesitate a little to flip it over to check the time because you're scared of seeing something you don't wanna see.

You take a chance and flip it over anyways. 3:26am.

Your cheeks sting as it fights the urge to smile. His lock screen, even with a brand new phone, even after everything, was still a photo of you.

You set the phone down and then back to him. You just wanted to kiss him after seeing that but you didn't want to interrupt his sleep.

Laying back down, you try to go back to sleep but your stomach swarms with butterflies and your teeth press together tightly with a cheesy smile.

You had too much energy to sleep now. You were too giddy.

"Pssst." You whisper in his ear as you move a stray strand of hair from his face. "I can't sleep."

The sleeping boy makes no response besides a swift eyebrow twitch. You begin to plant tiny, gentle kisses all over his face.

You peck him all over his cheeks. Nothing.

On his forehead. Nothing.

You even kiss him gently on the lips and still no reaction.

It wasn't until your soft lips touch his nose that he weakly opens one eye. You smile. "Works everytime."

He groans and switches from his side to flat on his back. "What time is it? Why are you awake?"

You scoot closer to him, your elbow holding your head up. "I can't sleep."

Eren stretches and rubs at his eyes. "Did you have a bad dream?"

You shake your head and crawl on top of him, your chest pressing up against his. "No. I just woke up randomly and now I have too much energy."

His heavy eyelids blink in slow motion as he fights sleep. You wait for a response but he ends up falling right back into deep sleep.

You pout and poke at his face but he continues to doze off. "Fine." You slide off of him and return back to your original spot beside him.

"Is it hot in here? It's hot to me." You say loud enough for him to hopefully hear. You reach under the covers and pull off the sweatpants he let you use along with the t-shirt that was also borrowed.

You were now completely naked and you turn to look at him to see if that had any effect on him but he was out cold.

You glare at him before turning away, your back facing him as you lay on your slide. "Eren."

Nothing.

"EREN." You say louder. The boy shoots up dazed and confused. "Hm? What? What happened?"

"Hold me." You say still facing away from him. He nods lazily and scoots his body closer to big spoon you.

Because he's half asleep, it takes him a good 10
seconds to realize you're completely naked when he feels your bare body pressed against him.

His eyes shoot open. "When did you get naked?"

"Shhhhh." You whisper. "I'm trying to sleep."

You try to hide your grin. His large hand that hung around you come up to feel your breasts right before they travel down to your waist. "Well, now I can't sleep." He admits.

"Too bad." You taunt as you scoot back a bit more so your ass presses even closer against his crotch. You can hear him groan underneath his breath.

The hand that rested on your waist travels back up to your chest but it doesn't stop there. He then slides his palm up to your neck and his fingers venture around the sides of your throat.

He kisses your cheek gently and slowly before his lips move further off to your ears and then your neck.

"Eren." You pretend to be annoyed. "I'm trying to sleep."

He shakes his head while his lips and tongue paint the side of your neck. "Stay up with me."

Before you can say anything, the hand around your throat slithers down your body right in between your pressed thighs. "I'll make it worth it. I promise."

You smile sneakily with your face still away from him and pretend to still be falling asleep.

His lips move down to your collarbone and shoulder. "I missed you so much, baby."

You could feel goosebumps coat your body and feel the space between your legs begin to throb and gain moisture but you keep your composure.

"I missed kissing you." He plants a wet kiss on your shoulder. "I missed touching you."

The hand that rested at the entrance waited patiently there as your thighs guarded the way. He slyly sneaks past them and you feel his cold fingers touch you right where you were begging to be touched.

His fingers immediately get coated with slick and even though you can't see him, you know he's smirking cause you can hear it in his voice. "I missed feeling you."

You casually spread your thighs further apart, inviting him to explore further. He willingly accepts the invitation without hesitation.

"Good girl." He coos in your ear. It tickles you but you try your hardest to still act asleep. You knew he knew you were awake but it was still fun to play along.

He continues to run his fingers through your folds and you feel slightly embarrassed when you can physically hear how wet you are.

Even though your eyes were closed, you can feel his hand pull away and your curious on why he stopped until you can hear his sucking on his fingers. "I missed tasting you."

Your heart drops all the way in between your legs. You were screaming internally.

He creeps under the covers and once he's down there and comfortable, he turns your body slightly so you're more on your back now and he spreads your legs apart.

His wet lips meet your thighs and he kisses them all over. He starts at your knees and makes his way lower and lower until he's right in the middle.

You can't see him because he's under the covers but you know he's right in front because you can feel his hot and heavy breaths right on you.

He kisses you right on your clit and your subconsciously squeeze your thighs together.

Shit.

He pulls the covers off his head and grins. "I thought you were asleep?"

"Shut up." You groan.

He laughs a little and bows his head again. "Yes ma'am."

His tongue begins to lick stripes up and down your pussy, slow and steady at first but then picking up pace.

His hands gripped and pawed at your thighs as he continued to devour you. You could tell he missed this just like he claimed he did.

It was the best head he's ever given you and man, has he given you some good ass head.

You were silently running circles in your mind but the silence comes to an end when he begins to slip in two fingers causing you to hiss.

He continues to pump the two fingers in and out of you while he laps on your clit, sucking on it here and there.

You were trying your best to hold back your moans but he was making it difficult with his tongue and fingers hitting all the perfect places.

He wasn't going easy on you at all. It was like each time a whimper or moan left your mouth, each time your back arched, each time you tugged at his scalp, he managed to find a way to outdo himself.

You kept telling yourself he couldn't top this but he proved you wrong each time.

Finally, Eren comes up for air for a brief moment of oxygen. He had a sly smile on his face and around that very smile, his mouth was coated in your slick. It was even on his nose, chin and cheeks.

Clear evidence he was eating you like there was no tomorrow and considering you almost killed yourself a while ago, he's probably taking advantage of the fact you're still here after all.

Since your fingers were already in his hair, you push his head back down. "Mm, don't stop." You whine.

His sly smile turns into sinister grin. "Make me."

You grab the sides of his face and lift up your hips and grind yourself up against his face.

His tongue slips out his mouth and enjoys the ride. You keep a firm grip on his head and you continue to ride on his face.

You had rode his face before but by literally sitting on it. Something about being able to ride his face while still being on your back made it feel amazing.

The fact that you were holding his face still while your hips rise and fall against it made it feel like you were fucking his face likes he's done to you before.

You loved when Eren was dominant but there was something about when he was submissive like this that made you lose your mind.

The way he submissively allowed you to use his head without hesitation or complaints to grind against while he continues to eat you, moans slipping out of his hungry lips.

After a few more minutes or that, he finally pulls away and wipes his drenched face before he joins you back at the top of the bed.

He returns to his original position beside you and flips you over so you're back on your side again, facing away from him.

He quickly takes his sweats off with an alarming speed and grabs your face to turn it to look back at him.

He greets you by immediately kissing you sloppily and you can taste yourself all over his plump lips.

The kisses get messier once he slides his dick up and down your folds to get it wet. You try to hold back your moans to avoid showing he's already doing something to you before he even puts it in and he notices.

"Don't hold back, baby. You know I love you moaning my name." Eren coos.

"I'm not hold-" Eren interrupts you by swiftly sliding his dick inside you. Luckily, he already had you prepared you from when he was fingering you earlier because he was huge and it always caught you off guard each time he slipped in.

"Fuck." The two of you say together simultaneously. He slips deeper into you until he's right at the base and you can feel him poke at your cervix.

That was the first and last gentle stroke because after that, he showed you no mercy whatsoever. He began pounding into you sinfully and with no remorse.

You kept your face tilted backwards so he could continue to kiss you. You moaned into his mouth and he groaned into yours.

Every time your neck or head would get tired of looking back, he helped by grabbing your throat or face to keep it in place.

He lifts up your leg to get even deeper which you didn't even know was possible considering how deep it already felt.

You could feel the pressure all the way up in your stomach now, a tight knot beginning to form.

You knew you were close to orgasm already and you didn't care if it was too early because you needed the release.

The closer you got to it the more you began to spiral. Your moans turned into screams as you sang his name out loud. Your eyes began to blur as tears swarm your eyes, tears of pure ecstasy.

He catches a tear begin to peek out the corner of your eye and he wipes at with his thumb. "Aw, you can't take this dick?" He taunts.

There's was no way you were gonna let him feel superior by thinking he was making you cry from pleasure. Even though he totally was.

You quickly flip over so that you're now on top of him. His eyes widen when he realizes what's about to happen. He gets flashbacks to the halloween party when you rode him until he was a whiny, crying mess.

"Sorry, what was that?" You grin, reading right through him. He opens his mouth to probably say some smart ass response but you stop him in his tracks by rolling your hips.

He immediately loses it and his hand go flying to your hips. "Fuuuck."

Just like him, you show no remorse. You ride him just like you did at the party with a few other moves you added in just to spice it up.

You could feel your upper thighs begin to burn furiously as you bounce on his dick but you remind yourself it's a work out to give yourself motivation to keep going.

From bouncing to grinding, you switch it up as long as changing pace and speed. Each time you would see him enjoy himself more or feel his fingers grip your hips tighter, you kept that pattern.

His hand touch you everywhere. Your hips, your waist, stomach, boobs, arms, basically anywhere he could get his hands on.

But his hands especially kept contact on your ass as it bounced rapidly.

He was close and you could tell. He was trying his hardest to hold back any moans that begged to escape because he knew that's exactly what you wanted.

Each time you saw him bite his lip to hold himself back, you'd pick up his pace and force it out of him.

And it worked everytime.

"Keep going, keep going baby, please." He says as his hands claw at your rocking hips. His eyes roll back right before they close and he grips at his hair.

You planned to. Your plan was to make him cry from how good it felt just like he made you. You didn't wanna give up until you saw him cry, even if it was a single tear.

You lean forward so you can kiss him. Your chest was now on his while you still moved your ass up and down on him.

He kisses you greedily. His tongue didn't hesitate to caress yours.

And then you get an idea.

You lift your chest up slightly just to hover over him, your hips still rocking. You use your thumb to glide across his button lip.

After the gentle swipe, you tap on it with the same finger. "Open your mouth."

His eyes grow big and you can tell the idea excites him. He had spit in your mouth before but never vice versa.

Until now.

His mouth spreads into a smile and he willingly opens his mouth. You drop a string of spit down right into the entrance and he collects it with his tongue.

The two of you smile at each other right before you crash into his lips again. Your kisses were hungry and needy.

You felt so consumed by him. By how he feels. By the way he smells. How he tastes. How he sounds. You were obsessed with it all.

"I love you." He says in between kisses. "God, I love you so fucking much."

His hands come up to your face to bring you closer than you already were. It was like the two of you were becoming one.

You keep riding him and you can feel his stomach flex and dick twitch as he gets closer to cumming. "Fuck. I love you. I love you. I love you." He cries out.

"I love you." You say going even faster. Your legs were going be extremely sore tomorrow but it was so worth it to hear him proclaim his love for you like this.

He wraps his arms around you and hugs you tightly. You think it's because he wants you closer but then it hits you that you indeed finally made him cry.

You weren't sure if it was from pleasure or from his overwhelming love for you spilling out of him but either way you were in awe by how beautiful he looked.

A tear gently slips out his eyes and falls down the side of his face. "Crybaby." You tease.

He lifts up his hips and begins to pound into you recklessly. You grip at the sheets beside his head. Because you had already came multiple times, you were especially sensitive down there. "Shit! Eren, s-slow down." You cry.

He hugs you tightly while he continues to crash harshly into you, his thighs slapping loudly against your ass.

You knew you were going to cum again and based off the speed he was going, you could tell he was too. "Cum for me, baby." You say, moving hair out his face.

His eyes flicker up at you and they sparkle like a puppy's eyes. He looked like that one emoji. "Can I cum in your mouth?"

You giggle. "If you say please."

He pouts a little, his eyes still pleading. "Please. I'll do anything."

You roll your eyes and smile. "Fine."

You hop off him and crawl to his lower half so your mouth meets the tip of his dick. You stroke him a little just to get him all the way to the top of his climax and when he's there, you wrap your lips around him.

And just like that, he releases all inside your warm mouth. He lets out the cutest moan you've ever heard and you watch as his toes curl.

You pull away and wipe your mouth. "Let me see." He says out of breath. You open your mouth with your tongue out exposing your now empty mouth and coated throat.

He smiles and closes his eyes. "God, you're amazing."

You shrug and join him on the upper half of the bed. "I know."

You lay beside him and the two of you laugh and stare at the roof and you try to catch your breath.

You set your hand on his chest, right where his heart would be and feel it beating at a frantic place. "Your heart feels like it's about to explode."

"I wonder why." He chuckles.

You set your head on his chest and you patiently listen to his heart pump quickly then go back to its normal steady pace.

Eren lazily runs his fingers along your bare back. The two you don't speak and just enjoy each other's presence. Mainly because the two of you were exhausted.

Besides feeling drained out, you felt content in this moment. Orgasm aside.

You felt happy. You were back with your favorite person. As much as you wanted to be alone, you also wanted him with you.

Alone together.

It seemed too easy though. Like it was too good to be true. Like there was some catch or string attached.

You hated yourself for overthinking it. But you also couldn't blame yourself. You were traumatized at this point.

Each time you found even a glimmer of happiness it was always ripped out of your hands in the most aggressive, brutal way possible.

You didn't wanna lose Eren. Not again. It was excruciating the first time and there was no way you wanted to go through it again.

Even though he claimed he wouldn't leave, pinky swore it. It still terrified you.

You wanted to trust him so badly. You honestly did believe him. He backed it up with his actions everytime. He not only claimed he loved you but always proved he did.

So why were you so anxious? So paranoid?

You keep telling yourself you have no reason to be worried. The two of you are leaving this place behind and gonna go off and do you own thing so you won't have to worry about people like Historia or Jean.

But part of you thinks it isn't even them that you worry will fuck things up. It's you.

What if he gets tired of me?

What if he gets annoyed?

Then part of you starts thinking what if it's not you but both of you? The two of you didn't really fight much but when you did, it was never pretty.

"Do you think this will actually work?" You wonder aloud. Eren's eyes were still closed while he tries to catch his breath, his chest heaving up and down. "What do you mean?"

You keep your eyes above too, the covers held tightly against your chest as you ball the fabric up in your fist. "Us. Do you think we'll actually work out?"

Eren's worn out eyes finally open and he frowns. He turns his body to be on his side and face you. "Yeah. Why wouldn't we?"

You shrug and avoid meeting his gaze. He scoots closer to you and tugs on your ear. "What's going through that pretty head of yours?"

You turn slightly to look at him. He was smiling softly, his skin gleaming with the shine of leftover sweat.

You look away again. "I just..I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it."

"You usually are." Eren teases.

You glare at him and he laughs. "Come on, just tell me. Only one way to find out, right?"

You suck in your lips and you debate on whether or not to speak. You look into his eyes and feel instant reassurance.

His eyes were usually intimidating and piercing but right now, in the dim lighting of his room, they were soft and comforting.

You sigh. "You don't think we're bad for each other? Like toxic?"

He chuckles and tucks a hair behind his ear. He lets out a sigh and lays back on his back. "No. I don't think we are."

"You don't think?" You ask, growing more uneasy. He laughs. "Okay, I know we aren't."

You shake your head. "You're just saying that."

"No, I'm actually not." He sits up. "Think about it. You and I were happy. It was fun and amazing before people found out. It's not us that's toxic, it's the people around us. We were fine when it was just us two."

That made sense. It really did. Whether you believed it or not, it was the truth. Everything was as he said, amazing, before people got involved.

When it was just you and him, it was beautiful and innocent. Pieck and Zeke found out and it was still great but little by little others found out too. Sasha, Connie, Marco, etc. But even then, things were still good.

Things didn't get bad until Armin, Mikasa, Jean,
and Historia found out. So maybe he's right, it's them.

"I guess." You mutter, still not fully convinced.

He shakes his head, a smile on his face. "Stubborn as always."

He slips out of the covers and stands up. "Come on, I wanna show you something." He says putting some boxers on.

You grab the covers and wrap it around your naked body as you stand up. He exits the bedroom and you follow behind him.

He leads you down the hall to an area of the house that, even though you've been here several times, you have yet to explore.

"Where are we going?" You ask. He stops in front of one of the doors and holds up a golden key that hung off what looked like a necklace or something.

You frown. "What's that?"

He inserts the key into the lock on the door and the door separates from the frame. The two of you step in and you're in complete awe.

It was a massive room with books upon books on stacked bookshelves that stretched for what seemed like miles around the room.

It reminded you so much of the library in the castle from the movie Beauty and the Beast.

"This was my dad's office or study. Whatever you wanna call it." He says looking around. "He used to never let anyone in here."

"Not even you?" You ask.

He shakes his head. "Not even me."

You walk around, your hand gliding across the spines of books that lined the walls. "Wow."

"The first time I ever came in here was the day after they died. He wasn't around anymore to tell me I couldn't go in so I did." He admits.

You look at him with sad eyes but he keeps his eyes scanning the room for something. "I came in here that one time and then never again."

You walk up to him and hug him from behind, your cheek pressed up against his toned back. "Thanks for showing me."

"This isn't exactly what I wanted to show you, it's somewhere in here but I can't find it." He says still looking around.

Your equally as wandering eyes catch two double doors that lead to a gorgeous balcony. You point in that direction. "Can I open that?"

He nods and detaches himself from you as he continues to search the room. You walk over to the balcony, his sheets still wrapped around you and slightly dragging along your feet.

You open the door and you're immediately greeted with chilling air. You wrap the sheet tighter around your body and step out.

It was incredibly beautiful outside at this time. The two of you had sex all night so the sun was already scheduled to rise soon.

Regardless of the sun slowly peeking out from the horizon, the moon still shines brightly at the top of the sky, stars twinkling beside it.

It was a full moon so the moon was at its most brightest and in your opinion, the most breathtaking.

"Found it." Eren says now joining you on the balcony. He holds a large globe in his hands.

You raise an eyebrow. "A globe?"

He nods and balances the globe on the railing, his hand still holding on to it for support. "To help you decide where you wanna go."

You laugh. "You were serious about that?"

He shines a smug smirk. "Don't go backing out now."

You stare at the globe in disbelief. It was literally a globe of the Earth in it's entirety. Was he really offering to take you anywhere in the world?

"Close your eyes. I'm gonna spin it and wherever your finger lands, that's where we'll go." He states.

You meet his eyes to try to see if he's actually being serious. "Anywhere? What if it's like super expensive?"

He shrugs. "Who cares?"

Your mouth drops open and you laugh. "Okay then, fine."

You close your eyes as he spins the globe over and over. To make it come to a stop, you place your finger on the sphere with your eyes still shut.

You open them up and grin.

Oh hell yes.

You look up at Eren who is smiling brightly right back at you.

You felt a rush of adrenaline. You couldn't believe you were actually just gonna take off and travel with Eren. It felt unreal. It felt like a dream, something too good to be true.

The feeling inside you was indescribable. You were infatuated with the sensation.

It was pure bliss. Pure happiness.

It was very rare for you to feel happy. Genuinely happy. Not to be negative or see life half empty or anything but it's true. Life has not always been kindest to you.

But when you look back at all the moments you truly felt invincible and on top of the world, it was always with him.

The man in front of you, his eyes shining with excitement and wanderlust.

You had always saw yourself spending the rest of your days alone. You had already made peace with the fact that some people are better off alone and that one of those people was you.

But he changed that.

You still wanted to be alone. But alone with him. Just the two of you.

"You ready to pack?" He asks.

You grab his hands before he can walk away. "Wait. Let's stay out here for a little bit longer. Atleast until the last star disappears."

He smiles. "Okay. Til the last star disappears."

[outro music: Always Forever by The Cults]

Fin. The end.