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⇒ Levanter Apartments
3:05pm

The atmosphere was dense. The sensations of a heaving chest beneath his head were stiff- too stiff and uncomfortable, and the silence, it was too, too loud. The hand caressing his back so slowly seemed a bit hesitant and, Hyunjin just seemed- he seemed too distant.

Because he could feel it. He could feel the new level of uncertainty in their relationship. It was the exact thing that his best friend warned him about; the interest of the children's father. And as he sat there, he could only sigh continuously as the logical question of, "What if he wants to be in his child's life?" that was grounded into his head as a valuable aspect of Jeongin's advice, could not help but promote itself into stems and leaves of assumptions to be overthought in his already full head...

Because what if wanting to name the baby wasn't just it? What if that apology wasn't... just it? What if Felix's anonymous ex-lover was really willing to be there- willing to come back? Goodness, Hyunjin could hardly bare the lifelikeness of such possibility. He could barely stand the thought of losing the boy and children that he was willing to start a life with, to someone who had left them so heartlessly.

Yet, he knew that he could do nothing about it. And it hurt. It hurt like hell but, he knew that he could not stop Felix from going back to... maybe the man that he truly loved... if he really wanted to. He could not sit and mindlessly- selfishly allow those unborn babies to come into the world into his arms, while their biological father stayed and moped on the sidelines with a heart more than willing to accept and care for them with everything that he had.

So Hyunjin sniffled. His fingers took a slightly firmer grip on the side of Felix's sweater as if scared to lose him and, a tear slid down his temple.

"Niah." He mumbled softly, a small, forced smile creeping up his face and, deep sigh flaring his nostrils. "Pretty name indeed. And I mean I can't complain, at least she'll have two names."

"Mhm." Felix hummed lowly, lips parted to accommodate his heavy breaths and hands fiddling with the hem of the sleeve of Hyunjin's T-shirt. "Both names are pretty. E-especially the one you chose."

"Yep..."

Then another silence, enticing more secret tears out of Hyunjin's eyes and, an increase in the rapid, uneven movements of his chest. But it was too much. Those scattered moments of quietness lasted too long for his sanity so, he couldn't take it. He had to cut it short. He had to say something- anything, whether he thought over the words and their depth or not and, without analyzing the possibilities of such line to cause an even longer silence in the very near future.

"Lixie..."

"Hm?"

"I still have you, right?"

"What?"

And Hyunjin didn't respond. Instead, said boy inhaled deeply, holding in the breath for almost a minute before letting it all out, and sneaking one hand under Felix's top to stroke his stomach ever so lovingly- innocently. Then he mumbled a low, "Never mind," and his eyes they, stayed open, stuck to the ceiling so effortlessly as if trying to maintain an aimless focus just to keep back more tears. "Have you- have you chosen an apartment yet?"

"Y-yeah. Last night, he- he texted me some available ones. And so we decided on one..." Felix spoke skeptically, lips threatening to draw blood under the anxious gnawing of his teeth, and one hand finding and stroking the back of Hyunjin's that tickled his stomach. "It's one at Blueprints. Not too far from the café, and neither the maternity clinic that I usually go to. It's also really close to this place where they hold the yoga classes I told you he offered to pay for."

"Oh..." Hyunjin pouted, eyes glancing down at the blonde on his chest, reluctantly letting another tear drip down his face. "Why- why didn't you get one in the same building as mine?"

"I- proximity... I would have even gotten one here but, they're more expensive for literally no reason and, as I said, Blueprints is closer to all of those places." Felix internally winced with his believable lie, and the additional sniffle from his boyfriend sounding in that room did in no way ease his own anxiety but, he still couldn't do much.

He didn't want to let go of him just yet because, what if Chan really was not serious? What if Chan's proposals only lasted for a time just like his first offer of rent in the beginning of their meetings? Yes, Felix's motive in his and Hyunjin's relationship was becoming more and more selfish by the day- by every thought or public mention of the artiste- by every text that Chan would send- by every kick that he'd feel in his womb, but still. He couldn't risk it. He couldn't risk losing Hyunjin just yet...

So he could not tell the truth. He could not just tell his boyfriend that the main reason for selecting the named apartments was for closer proximity to not only all of those stated places, but to be in nearer vicinity with that of his ex's dorms. Because that'd mean that Chan would no longer have to take the bus at those late hours just to be in contact with Felix. That'd meen that Chan could go over to his ex's house at any available time, secluded from public eye, and help out in any way that he could... That'd mean that Chan would have easier access and opportunity to make it right- to pave the way of a second chance for himself.

And Felix wanted that. He longed for those nights where the one that he loved would cuddle him on his sofa while stroking and kissing his tummy. He longed for the feeling of certainty of a stable family with his coming children. Yes, Hyunjin could give that, and Felix was even almost prepared to share that with him but still... still, he loved Chan.

Hyunjin loved him. But he loved Chan.

"Well... I understand but... I don't mind taking you everywhere, Lix. I've never complained, and I never will..." Hyunjin sighed as he spoke, soft smile spreading up to one side of his face when a light kick could be felt underneath his fingertips and when- when Felix's fingers interlocked with his over the fleshy shield of those twins. "But it's okay... I don't mind driving a little extra just to see you. And at least, you'll be working with me."

"I know it's not a burden, Jinnie. It's just better that way for now... and yes. Working with my boyfriend is indeed an advantage." Felix chuckled lightly with that line, and for a split second, everything seemed just right. Hyunjin seemed like the one and, the babies in his belly seemed to be so joyful and accepting of the step-father that said male was willing to be.

But again.

That was his mind. The only part of him that was still trying to give his partner a chance. The only part that was seemingly thinking sensibly and profitably. The only part that was maintaining his willingness to remain in that relationship- the only part that was faintly persuading him that there was still a chance that his love would grow for Hyunjin. And although his heart was more than positive of what and who it wanted, his mind was still strong.

Because his mind had his conscience.

And his conscience couldn't bare to see the man that had been through so much, yet helped him and stood with him so selflessly, broken. His conscience wasn't ready to bare the guilt that would haunt it if Hyunjin ever came back to knock on his door with tear-filled eyes and a pleading speech. And although some bits of torment would surely linger while remaining in that relationship of one-sided love, it seemed less. It seemed more endurable and, gainful.

Selfish.

No longer pitiable and understandable on Felix's part but just, selfish. His choice to not communicate was selfish, nothing more, nothing less. And he knew that but, still. Faint hope, just causing more and more damage as it, slowly but surely, faded.

"So... when are you gonna start packing?" Hyunjin questioned hesitantly, breaths somewhat calming and smile brightening when more kicks were felt underneath his palm. "I could help, you know. I could help with the moving in and all. Especially with the setting up of their room. I really want to-"

"I'll let you know, Hyune." Felix smiled vaguely, lips once again finding and trapping in between his teeth, and eyes staring blankly at the coffee table in front. "I mean, of course you can help me. I need as much help as I can get... but about the room. I'll let you know... Like I'll let you know when."

"Oh... Alright then..."

"Yep..."

"Felix?"

"Yeah?"

Hyunjin paused and, he closed his eyes. His chest lifted with the deepest breath and, Felix could practically feel the cold sweat moistening his fingers as they stayed locked together.

And then he said it. The words that he had contemplated on for so long, just to make sure that they were true whenever they were sounded... Just to make sure that they'd mean something... whether or not he'd get them in return. And maybe it wasn't the right time? Maybe he should have waited for a more romantic or less tense moment but, it felt okay. It felt like it needed to be said to at least... maybe call back whatever was left of his Lixie... whatever was left that genuinely felt something for him.

Because it was clear. Felix wasn't really there anymore. He was split and, it wasn't in half. The ex that Hyunjin knew nothing about was- he was back.

"Felix, I love you."

-

9:45pm

"That's most of it." Chan sighed satisfactorily as he collapsed back first onto the younger's bed. His breaths were heavy and, a large smile of contentment boasted his dimples, making him love how such a sight was enough to get his pregnant ex flustered. "Aren't you tired, Lix? Take a break, and I could come tomorrow night so we could finish everything up."

Sighing as he placed one more picture frame, holding an image of himself as a toddler, in one of the opened boxes, Felix made his way over to the older on the bed, laying sideways with the biggest, glossiest eyes staring forward. "Thank you so much for your help. You didn't have to but, thank you."

Then Chan turned sideways too. His smile subsided into a calmer one, radiating an essence of adoration rather than overwhelming joy and satisfaction and, one hand lifted from his side to hover ever so carefully near Felix's clothed stomach. "Can I?"

Felix nodded. His lips trapped in between his teeth when those cold fingers met his bare skin under that sweater for the second time since the beginning of their journey. And Chan stroked that skin so softly. His smile never once faltered and neither did his eyes shift from Felix's. He just stayed there, finally sounding a light giggle when one of his children made a slight movement in their daddy's womb.

What an amazing moment. All that Felix could ever ask for in his pregnant state... But that wasn't even just it.

Chan lowered himself until his head was at eye level with the younger's stomach. And his hands lifted the blonde's sweater up further...

Then his face, it neared the stretched skin...

And then his lips...

And then he kissed it. He peppered Felix's lower abdomen with tiny pecks before pulling away with an even larger smile than just few minutes before. Both hands stayed put on the bump and then he spoke up, tone soft and mouth so, so close to Felix's stomach.

"Hey..." He giggled. "How are you two doing in there?"

Felix... giggled.

"Mhm..." Chan hummed when a kick was felt, fueling the seemingly unrealistic assumption that they were really listening and responding. "Papa loves you guys, you know that? And... papa is sorry for leaving you guys when he he had just gotten the news." He frowned lowly with that statement and, so did Felix. But then, as if perfectly timed, the younger's hand found his hair, playing with the strands ever so tenderly and, bringing back that dimpled smile that he loved so much into action. "Mhm... I love you two very much and, I promise to be there every step of the way."

And then Felix spoke up. He didn't plan it and, neither of them expected such a question to be asked so soon, nor in an intimate moment as such but, it was. Felix's voice even cracked a little with it and, Chan's eyes widened at the recognition of its content but, it made sense. Everything made sense, just then.

"E-even the delivery?"

"Even the delivery..."

"Wait... really?"

"Yes, Felix. I couldn't possibly leave you to give birth to our children alone. Maybe not now but, when that time comes, fuck the media. If I have to lie and say I'm a relative for our safety, then I will. But I can't miss that... I've already missed so much." Chan sniffled before continuing, head lifting to lock eyes with his ex again and, fingers tracing over Felix's linea negra. "When- Do you know when they're due?"

"Some time in October..."

"Good. I'll try to make sure that there are no tours or anything for that time... I've fucked up enough, Felix. I need to be there."

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