"If it really was him... why do you think he would come to me?"

Dr. West eyed me for a long moment before answering.

"It isn't him though, Richard."

I looked away, trying to hide how my cheeks heated at her knowing tone.

"I know," I said. "But if it was..."

Another long moment passed.

"I feel like you have an answer in your head already," she said with a small smile.

I swallowed, unsure if I should go on. Then again, if there was any place to be open it was supposed to be with your therapist, right?

"The way he--the way he died--it was violent, right?"

Dr. West nodded.

"I read it in the papers," she admitted. "No one would want a loved one to pass like that."

I blinked and had to look away again, fighting to remain focused and not be derailed by my emotions again.

"That's not the point though," I said. "He died in a violent way and that's what they say keeps someone here. That's what everyone says."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone online," I said.

She nodded.

"You've been researching whether he could really still be here?"

I unconsciously touched my wrists, wondering if I should tell her.

"There are a lot of people out there that believe in this stuff," I said, carefully. "A lot of people have first hand stories."

"But how do you know that they aren't just stories?" Dr. West asked. "Especially through the internet."

I shrugged.

"I didn't say I believe it," I said, back-tracking. "It just got me wondering, if he did come back, what would he come to me for? Like, do we have unfinished business? Or does he want revenge? But then, if that was the case, why hasn't he done anything other than stare at me, yet?"

I caught Dr. West's gaze and immediately realized my mistake.

"If he was coming back, that is, not that he already is..." I said, quickly.

Dr. West seemed to consider whether to address the slip of my tongue and I bit it to remain silent while I waited.

"So you believe you two have unfinished business?" she finally asked.

Sighing with relief, I nodded.

"I guess so," I said. "It's the only thing that really makes any sense."

"You were friends for many years," Dr. West said. "Do you really think that he expected or wanted something from you enough to come back from the grave?"

I shrugged, mind flying to the obvious answer, guilt twisting in me again.

"What is it?" Dr. West asked, gently.

"Nothing," I said.

Silence fell over us and Dr. West didn't break it, waiting patiently.

I sighed heavily. I could feel my cheeks heating even before I said a word.

"He--One time in eleventh grade, we were walking home from school..."

I didn't know how to say it. After the fact, I'd completely ignored that it had ever happened--until Evander passed away of course, at which point, that day became a glaring mistake that I couldn't forget.

"What happened?" Dr. West prompted.

I shut my eyes, remembering.

"He kissed me," I said quietly and immediately wished I could take it back. I'd never said it out loud to anyone.

When I finally risked looking at Dr. West, her eyes were wide with some clear understanding. I didn't know what conclusion she'd jumped to. A dominant part of me wanted to defend myself, say I hated it and that it was nothing, but that was a lie. It was something. Something that I regretted more than anything else.

"Do you think Evander would come back from the dead just to be with you?" she asked gently.

My mouth went dry at her words. It sounded beyond egotistical but she didn't know what it was like between us.

"He told me he loved me," I said.

She nodded, expression dripping with sympathy.

"And you turned him down," she said.

My hands were shaking and I clenched them into the fabric of the arm chair.

"No," I said and even my voice was shaking. "I punched him."

Without realizing it, I was on my feet, body buzzing with pent up adrenaline, just like that day.

"I was--I was such an ass hole. I hit him hard and then, I left him just laying there and I took off."

"It sounds like you were caught off guard," Dr. West said.

I laughed, unable to stop pacing, mind racing. That was an understatement.

"That doesn't matter," I said.

"It does," Dr. West insisted, trying to calm me. "Richard, people make mistakes everyday. maybe you shouldn't have hit him, but he probably shouldn't have just kissed you out of nowhere, either."

"No!" I snapped. "He didn't do anything wrong! He told me he loved me and I left him laying there and then I just pretended it didn't happen, like an ass and I pretended I didn't see how he was looking at me and I kept talking about girls and I thought it would just go away and go back to normal but it didn't! He died!"

I was shouting now but it didn't matter. I was going to break apart any minute now, my volume was the least of my worries and Dr. West didn't seem to care either.

She leaned forward.

"Richard, it isn't your fault," she said earnestly.

"It is! I could have picked him up. He called me and I was half asleep and I said no, and he said sorry for waking me, and he ended up dead on the side of the road from god knows what--"

"Richard, please sit down--"

"Stop fucking calling me Richard, no one calls me Richard--"

"Okay," she said, putting her hands up soothingly.  "Please sit down, lets try to calm down."

I fell back into the seat, but my hands didn't stop shaking, my legs kept tapping incessantly. I wanted to get up again and do something with this energy, this buzzing anger inside me.

"You prefer Rick?" she asked gently.

I nodded, the anger finally starting to seep out of me.

"It sounds like you're holding onto a lot of guilt, Rick."

"His last two years... I made him miserable... He only had those two years left... I could have tried..."

"There's no way you could have known that," Dr. West said. "And even if you did, it wouldn't have been fair for you to force yourself into a relationship that you didn't want for someone else's happiness. I'm sure if Evander really did love you, he would have wanted you to be happy too."

Her reasoning was sound and all things that I had thought before, but looking back at it now, it wasn't that simple.

"Maybe it wouldn't have been that bad," I said, uneasily. "Maybe I would have liked it, but I was too afraid of things changing?"

Dr. West frowned.

"Do you ever question your sexuality?" she asked.

The ease with which she voiced such delicate things made me want to cringe but I pushed passed the initial immature reaction and shook my head.

"No," I said, honestly. "But I did care about him a lot. Now that he's gone, he's all I can think about and--I don't know--but if being with him, meant that he would still be here, then it would be worth it, right?"

"And now you think he is still  here."

I didn't answer, unable to deny it.

"The appeal is undeniable," she said. "Who doesn't want a second chance to make things right?"

I bit my lip but now that it was all coming out, I didn't think I could stop sharing.

"It's more than that..."

I pushed the sleeves up my wrists, exposing the bruises.

"From where he holds me down," I whispered.

Dr. West's frown intensified.

"You think his spirit would hurt you? That doesn't sound like the Evander you've told me about."

I shook my head. 

"No, don't you see? He's not trying to hurt me, he's just trying to keep me still. He can't control himself but he still wants me. He still wants to be with me. It explains everything. The blood on his face, the way he holds me still..."

Dr. West looked down at her notebook, not to take any notes, just to gather herself, and the reason was so obvious that I fell silent, regret filling me for saying a word.

"You don't believe me," I said.

"I believe that you see him," she said. "I believe that you do desperately want him back."

"Just not that he really is back."

"For you to be believing these dreams, Rick, is very worrying. The bruises on your wrists... is there any other area of your body that have unexplained bruising?"

I swallowed.

"It's not unexplained," I said firmly. "It's Evander."

I pushed to my feet.

"He wants to be with me. He's always wanted to be with me, and now he's making it happen."

Dr. West was on her feet before I reached the door.

"Rick, wait, please. We need to address this before it becomes any worse."

I shut the door firmly behind me.

It wasn't until I was standing outside, cold air filling my lungs that an odd sense of triumph filled me.

Of course she wouldn't understand, she didn't have him there nearly every night, literally touching her skin. Whether Dr. West believed me or not, I'd said it out loud. I knew the truth. In some way, Evander was still alive. 

And he couldn't stay away from me.

~

AN: A longer chapter than usual, but I just love analyzing this boy and creating this story along with all the little trauma's. Unrequited love is a bitch, especially being on the receiving end of it, it seems. I hope you're enjoying so far. Next chapter will be up on Wednesday :)