tear my soul into pieces

Shivaay shrunk away in the darkness. Why were his parents shouting? He crawled away from the room. He brought his hands to his ears to block out shoutings, his eyes squeezed shut in fear. His body was trembling. He could hear the cries of his sister. But suddenly all the noise stopped.

He got up to see. His feet froze in the middle when the gunshot rang in the house. Followed by another two. And he stayed rooted to the spot. He wasn't oblivious to know that something bad had happened.

He didn't notice his dadi rushing in. Priyanka was in her hold. But he stayed at the same spot.

He stared at the parted doors. He tried to pry his eyes off the scene that greeted him. His parents lay in their own pool of blood. He didn't move away. He couldn't. What happened? How? That was all he could think.

He didn't feel anything when his dadi shook him to bring him out of his shock, his eyes stayed lingering at the horror beyond those doors. Until she obstructed the scene with herself. He looked up at his grandmother, he didn't need to ask her to confirm when he saw her tear streaked eyes.

His parents were gone.

He was an orphan.

Shivaay's eyes snapped open. He looked around. He was in his own room, he flipped his sides, the carpet slipping under his body. He was surprised to see Annika fast asleep beside him on the floor without any pillow or blanket. Instantly regret hit him over in waves washing away the last bit of courage that he had gathered. She was putting herself through this because of him.

Why are you doing this to yourself Annika? He thought as he brushed away the lone strand of hair that fell over her face, he tucked it behind her ear. She stirred slightly causing him to instantly halt his movements. He waited till her features relaxed once again before releasing the breath that he held in. I don't deserve you.

<>

"If Om and Rudra die, the shares would be transferred in my name." Tej spoke. His voice held the malice that Shivaay was only used to hearing for himself.

For a second he couldn't recognise the man who was standing in front of him anymore. Was it the same man that he grew up idolizing as his own father? His mentor. He didn't think so. There was no ounce of humanity left on those when he looked into them all he could see was the greed and hate that has weaved upon years.

He can't do anything to his own children right? He doesn't care if his bade papa kills him right there and then what matters is that they stay out of it.

He watched as Tej lifted the phone to his ears, snatching the gun at the last moment he pulled the trigger without any second thought.

The sound echoed against the wall and engraved deep into his mind. His hand was pushed back by the reaction force of the gun. And for a moment everything went numb. It took a few moments for him to process what had happened.

He looked at the gun in his shaking hands, his hands were clean but he could see the growing red on them. Blood.

And then realisation dawned upon him.

He killed him.

He stared at his hands in shock, the red wasn't going away and then his gaze turned to the man collapsed on the ground. The red on his clothes.

He was a killer. A murderer. Of his bade papa. Of a family.

Shivaay Singh Oberoi killed his own bade papa, Tej Singh Oberoi.

It was a destiny.

After all, he was his mother's son. It would come back to haunt him to his own death.

<>

He heard Annika's pain filled voice call out his name. And his struggling stopped. Her voice held a faint note to it. Fear immediately consumed his whole being. He did something wrong.

He finally became aware of his surroundings. Annika was leaning over the carpet, he had pushed her.

"A-annika?" He immediately rushed to her side. Helping her up, he turned to look at her. She was grimacing, but she still managed to send him an assuring look.

"Let me see." He checked her over, brushing away her hair to look over, where she was pressing down with her fingers. He hurt her.

"Shivaay, I am okay. Please stop panicking." But her voice drained out, he couldn't hear it all he could register was that he had hurt her. Again. "It's okay." She tried again.

"It's——not. It's not okay." He shook his head firmly adamant to his words.

"Stay back, please, I no longer remain the person you knew me as. They were right about me. I am not a human, a beast. That is what I am." He spoke in a harsh voice.

And Annika felt herself loosing against the words once again.

<>

"We are going for a check-up." Annika spoke, she had managed to contact Shivaay's previous doctor, Dr. Viren Shrivastav. She thought it's better if he gets himself checked up, and she will get the chance to discuss his diet and medicines as well.

Five years is a long time.

Even though they will manage to heal him physically, she can never look away from the mental scars that his own family had given him. Ruthlessly.

He looked up confused. He was sitting in the same spot where she had left him a few minutes ago. He hadn't even looked at the coffee she had placed at the side table. Her eyes turned to the breakfast tray, he hadn't even removed the lid over them.

"You didn't eat?" Annika asked as she took a seat in front of him and removed the lid of the casserole. He was looking at her.

"I-i was waiting for you." He spoke quietly averting away from her gaze. She felt warmth wash over her. He is there. Somewhere. But he was.

"Let's begin?" He didn't answer, did he even hear her? His eyes were trained to the floor. She forwarded the spoon to his lips but he didn't open his mouth.

"Shivaay, you need to eat something. You didn't even eat dinner. And we have a checkup too, we don't know how long it will take. Please have something." Annika pressed. He finally turned to her, his eyes haunted and gaunt. She felt a chill run down her spine. "What's wrong?" She asked as she cupped his face, she felt tears on her hand.

"Shivaay?" He backed away and cocooned himself into a ball. "Please close the curtains." He requested in the feeble voice and without any question she rushed to follow his request.

Her heart broke as she saw him clutching the ends of the sheet while he lowered himself on the floor, the ground seemed to bring himself more comfort than his own bed. This wasn't the Shivaay Singh Oberoi, she knew. This wasn't even Shivaay. It was someone else. Someone entirely different.

She crouched down next to him.

"Too bright." She frowned. "Too bright." He rocked himself on his feet, looking around like a scared animal. As if something is going to harm him.

"What?" She asked shakily. "The room is too bright. I am not used to the brightness." He spoke at the end without looking up, his face hidden away in his arms as he shielded himself away from the imaginary light.

"Make it dark." He pleaded. His right hand clutched on her dupatta while his other hand held on to her hand for dear life. "Make it dark." The lights haunt me. They make me feel seen. I can't hide myself. He was gasping at this point. Her words couldn't be registered on his mind.

"Shhh... Shivaay it's alright. You need to calm down. I will turn off the lights." She hurried away to turn off the lights. He didn't look up when she did, his panic didn't cease. And now the only source of light in the room remained those curtains which were illuminated by the light outside, causing a faint glow to be cast around the room.

All she could here was Shivaay's harsh breathing and the sound of the fan. He looked like he was struggling to breathe. He was on the verge of a panic attack. She needs to calm him down quick.

"Shivaay open your eyes look up, the lights are out." She kept her voice soft so it didn't startle him. He hesitantly raised his head off his arms and looked at her.

"The lights are gone. It's dark." He spoke repeating her words. The way he said it, she didn't like it. If it is darkness that comforts him, then so it be. She didn't let go of his hands.

"Why?" She asked quietly. Her hands holding onto his. He didn't move from his spot. "I don't want anyone to see me." He admitted, she could hear the shame in his voice. Something she never imagined.

"The darkness. It hides me." He answered quietly, her heart breaking with each passing second.

"You don't have to hide." She spoke.

"I-i have to. I can't face them." He shook his head. The more he spoke, she noticed the more distressed he became. This is not the right moment.

"It's just me here. You don't have to worry." She assured him as calmly as she could. The situation was way worse than she had imagined.

"I don't want to go out." He said averting his gaze away.

"We will not." She spoke at the last. Mentally noting that she could convince him for a checkup when his condition gets better.

"You shouldn't be here." He suddenly spoke up.

"W-what?" He pushed himself back, "I-i will hurt you." Her eyes widened at the statement.

"I-i am not, Shivaay. I-I am a m-murderer." He spoke to himself shaking his head. She tried to approach him but he only reared back in fear. She wiped the tears that cascaded down her cheeks.

She could hear the faint chanting of a single word, "Go, go, I will hurt you." I trust you. But she took a step back for his sake. His voice was quivering.

The one who had returned from the prison wasn't Shivaay at all. She should have known, she has lost Shivaay the moment that bullet had exited the gun.