"What do you think?"

Yoongi finished looking over one of Namjoon's essays; lips parted in surprise. Namjoon looked at Yoongi seemingly anxiously, waiting impatiently for Yoongi's thoughts. Yoongi gently pushed the laptop back to Namjoon, lips flourishing into a smile.

"You're a genius, Joon," Yoongi laughed. "I wouldn't have even known where to start with the prompt. You're going to blow UChicago's mind away."

"I hope so," Namjoon sighed, clearly relieved. "I still have a bunch of essays I have to write, but at least I'm done with UChicago's application. How's Notre Dame coming along?"

Yoongi grimaced. "I'll be looking at them later tonight. I've had too much schoolwork to fully sit and look at the prompts. They shouldn't be too hard, though. Not like yours."

"Chicago's prompts weren't too bad," Namjoon argued. Yoongi scoffed, pointing to Namjoon's laptop screen.

"'What is square one, and how do you go back to it?'" Yoongi read off the screen. "Or how about the one you actually answered? 'Vestigiality refers to genetically determined structures or attributes that have apparently lost most or all of their ancestral function but have been retained during the process of evolution. In humans, for instance,—'"

"The appendix is thought to be a vestigial structure. Describe something vestigial, real or imagined and provide an explanation for its existence,'" Namjoon finished, slapping Yoongi's back playfully. "I get it, Yoon. No need to rub in my weird prompts."

"If you don't become an author someday, Namjoon, I will be thoroughly disappointed," Yoongi beamed. "I wish I had your creative imagination. I wouldn't be able to answer the easiest question in that application."

Namjoon shook his head. "That's because you choose to keep your mind closed. You shut yourself off the possibilities, only believing what you think is real. I'm more of a free spirit, Yoongi. I dream of infinite possibilities. I embrace change. Do you?"

Despite Namjoon only referring to creativity, Yoongi couldn't help but be hit with the hidden message. Whether Namjoon knew what he was trying to imply or not, Yoongi couldn't help but put his wall up in defense of himself. Already he could feel the defensive response bubbling in him, but he forced it down. Yoongi couldn't make a big deal out of something that wasn't meant to be offensive. It wasn't like Namjoon was trying to get under his skin.

"Depends on what you mean by change," Yoongi deadpanned, laying on his bed. "It's not like I'm a stranger to change. I live it every day."

Yoongi could feel his mattress sink as Namjoon sat on the edge of his bed. He scooted over, giving Namjoon more space to sit, which Namjoon took, extending his legs so he could properly place his laptop on his thighs.

"And sent!" Namjoon clapped his hands, grinning widely. He tilted the laptop towards Yoongi, so Yoongi could see the lit-up screen, celebrating Namjoon turning in his Early Action application to the University of Chicago.

"That's one application down. You know Yoongi, if you need help with your Notre Dame essays, I can help you. It's almost November first. If you miss the Restrictive Early Action deadline, you'll have to wait for Regular Decision, and that isn't until March. Your parents would be upset with you."

Yoongi sighed. "I already told you. I'll look at the prompts tonight. It's only the twenty-fifth of October. My letters of recommendation and the application itself are already done. All I have to do is finish the essays. It won't take me long."

"You know, for someone that was supposedly pumped to go to Notre Dame, you sure are taking your time with the essays," Namjoon commented, looking pointedly at Yoongi. "I know you said that whatever makes your parents would make you happy, but shouldn't you be done with everything by now? Where's your laptop? Is it in your cabinet?"

Yoongi immediately shot up from his bed, catching Namjoon by surprise. Yoongi pointed to his desk, seemingly frazzled. Namjoon set his laptop down, hands moving away from the cabinet as he got off Yoongi's bed. Taking it as an opportunity, he quickly opened his cabinet drawer and took out the note that he'd stashed there a couple of nights ago.

"What is that?" Namjoon asked, catching Yoongi closing his cabinet and stuffing the paper in his pocket.

"Nothing," Yoongi dismissed as Namjoon handed him his laptop. Namjoon crossed his arms, and from his looks, Yoongi knew that Namjoon wasn't going to be letting up anytime soon. Who could blame him? There was curiosity in his eyes, and because they were best friends, Yoongi knew that he had to say something.

So he stretched the truth.

"One of my old friends gave me her number," Yoongi admitted. Namjoon's eyes widened, and he sat down next to Yoongi, waiting for Yoongi to continue. "I've been thinking about it way more than I'd like to admit."

"Does Yoongi have a crush?" Namjoon singsonged, nudging Yoongi. Yoongi shook his head immediately, knowing that it was nothing of the sort. The thought of liking Hoseok was horrifying as much as it was untrue. Of course, Namjoon didn't know that Yoongi was actually referring to Hoseok, and Yoongi planned to keep it that way.

"We were really close before," Yoongi murmured, opening his laptop. "Best friends. We did everything together. I lost her, though. We... fell through. I didn't have a problem with that— it was for the best. My parents didn't like her. You know how it is. When someone doesn't have the same values and beliefs as my family, it never ends well."

Namjoon nodded in understanding, remaining silent.

"I dropped her because my parents told me to stay away from her, and after that, we lost contact completely," Yoongi clicked on Safari. "I bumped into her a couple of days ago, and it wasn't fun. She put nonsense into my brain, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out. Last Thursday, she gave me her number. I told myself I'd throw it away, and I did. After I came back from your place, I dug it back up from the trash and left it there. Haven't touched it since."

A few moments passed before Namjoon finally spoke.

"Maybe you want to reconnect with her," Namjoon suggested. "Or, at the very least, try to prove whatever she told you to be wrong. I'm guessing she criticized your values. Wait. Yoongi. Is that why you asked me if I thought you were pathetic? Did she tell you that?"

Yoongi nodded.

"That's what she told me the first time she saw me," Yoongi said. "That I'd changed. And it's true. I have changed. But to be told that to your face...it doesn't feel nice."

"Yoon, why didn't you tell me this was bothering you?" Namjoon asked, though not accusatorily. "You know I'm here for you. You shouldn't have to battle with this alone. Confronting someone from your past isn't easy, especially when the both of you have changed. You were best friends once. Their opinion of you was something you cared about before."

"I didn't think it was going to bother me as much as it actually is," Yoongi huffed. "It hasn't left my mind. I can't bring myself to throw this note away. Even if I did, I've stared at it so much I've already memorized every single number."

"Maybe you need closure," Namjoon said, pausing for a moment. "Think about it. You two didn't end on the best terms, and now she's reaching out to you. If you talk to her, you can get the closure you need to move on. There's nothing wrong with revisiting the past."

Namjoon didn't understand the gravity of the situation, and perhaps, it was for the better. Still, hearing Namjoon's advice resonated with Yoongi, and he couldn't help but listen. After all, it could be his guilty conscience nagging at him to talk to Hoseok.

Yeah, that had to be it.

It's not because Yoongi wanted to talk to Hoseok.

It was because Yoongi had to that Yoongi was refusing to let go of Hoseok's words to him.

"You might be right," Yoongi muttered, sighing. "Thank you, Joon. Sometimes I forget that it's nice to have a second opinion."

"If God can't help you right now, then I will," Namjoon half-joked. "What did she tell you, though? It must have been something pretty serious if she got into your head like that. I'd never seen you so distracted before."

It's not like it mattered, what Hoseok had said, Yoongi thought to himself. It was Yoongi's fault that he let Hoseok get into his head. The moment he'd decided to listen to Hoseok's fanatics was the moment that Yoongi had consequently set himself up for failure.

Namjoon couldn't know that Yoongi was doubting their religion either. He couldn't outright voice it either. The walls had ears, and if Yoongi's parents ever heard Yoongi utter his doubts about the religion that had been practiced for generations, Yoongi would never hear the end of it. He trusted Namjoon, but not enough to properly voice everything that Hoseok had told him. Still, Yoongi tried explaining it the best he could, though his efforts were quickly interrupted at the sound of his door opening.

His mother opened the door, wide smile instantly turning into a frown at seeing Namjoon and Yoongi sitting together on Yoongi's bed, looking a little too close for comfort. Noticing the strange expression, Namjoon made the distance between the two before smiling politely at Mrs. Min.

"Namjoon, isn't it time for you to go home?" Mrs. Min asked though not unkindly. "It's getting a bit late now, and I don't want your mother worrying too much."

"Sorry, Mrs. Min," Namjoon said as he looked at the time. "Yoongi was helping me review my essays for UChicago. We lost track of time."

"UChicago?" Mrs. Min echoed, clearly impressed. "Are you planning on applying to Notre Dame too?"

Namjoon shook his head. "Notre Dame doesn't fit anything that I want to study. It's not a good match for me."

"But it would do you good to go to a place where you're surrounded by those like you," Mrs. Min commented, with serious concern on her face. "It would be a better experience for you."

"I'm sure it would," Namjoon said politely. "But, they do not offer what I am looking for. There's no use for me to send an application to a university I know I will not attend. My life doesn't revolve around God, Mrs. Min, and I have already discussed with my parents what's best, and they agreed."

Mrs. Min shook her head. "You should be as devoted as Yoongi is, Namjoon. Let him be your example."

"Mom," Yoongi huffed. "Let Namjoon be. He will go wherever God deems most fit for him. In this case, Joon's strengths lie away from religion."

"As long as he doesn't forget about God, then I suppose it's alright," she said, though she remained wary. Namjoon smiled at her once more and packed up his things. He turned to Yoongi.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Yoongi," Namjoon said as he grabbed his kets. "Remember, if you need anything, please let me know. I'm here for you."

"I know."

Mrs. Min stepped away from the door, letting Namjoon leave the room. She watched Namjoon leave, ensuring Namjoon left out the door, before looking back at Yoongi.

"Are you sure he's not one of them?" she asked quizzically. Yoongi groaned at his mom's question.

"Not that you need to know, but Namjoon has a girlfriend," Yoongi responded. "He isn't one of those. I would know if he is. Namjoon would tell me. Him wanting to go to a college that isn't Catholic doesn't make him one of those people."

"I don't like how close you two were being," his mother frowned. "If I didn't know any better, you two looked like you were in a relationship."

Yoongi's face morphed into disgust. "Mom, do you think we would sin like that? Just thinking about it gives me the chills."

Yoongi's mother sighed in relief. "I'm sorry I doubt you, Yoongi. You sometimes worry me. You've never brought a girl home, and you're always surrounded by guys. It's hard for me not to assume the worst."

No girl had caught Yoongi's eye yet; that was all there was to it. But for his mother to assume that Yoongi could be turning into anything else, well, it offended Yoongi. His mother should know better than anyone that Yoongi wouldn't be interested in a boy. Hadn't he been showing her how devout he was to the Catholic Church? Why would Yoongi willingly turn his back and sin?

It was an unfathomable thought.

"If you don't believe in me, then believe that God has a plan for me," Yoongi said. Yoongi's mother smiled. "Goodnight, Mom."

"Goodnight, my wonderful son."

The door to his room closed with a soft click, and Yoongi was left to his own devices. Looking back at his laptop, Yoongi pulled up Notre Dame's essay questions, skimming through each of them to see which would be the easiest ones.

Notre Dame is an adventure that will develop more than just your intellect. Blessed Basil Moreau, the founder of the Congregation of Holy Cross, believed that to provide a trued education, "the mind will not be cultivated at the expense of the heart." What excites you about attending Notre Dame?

"Okay, let me look at the other ones instead," Yoongi murmured, his mind immediately blanking at the question.

Home is where your story begins. Tell us about your home and how it influenced your story.

"My home is the reason why I'm applying to Notre Dame." Yoongi scoffed, scrolling down. "I'll pick that one. Now to find another one."

Think about when you first meet people. What is a common first impression they might have of you? Is it a perception you want to change, or what else do you want them to know about you?

You're pathetic.

Yoongi froze as Hoseok's words spoke in his mind. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Yoongi set his laptop down. He took the note out of his pocket, remembering Namjoon's piece of advice. He shook his head, tossing the note on the side of his bed, before looking back at his laptop screen. He opened a new Google document, pasting the three prompts onto it.

Each essay had to be between one hundred fifty to two hundred words. Yoongi could do that. He'd written longer essays for his AP Literature classes. Two hundred words were nothing.

Thirty minutes passed, and Yoongi had not progressed.

Yoongi was stuck. He didn't know how to answer any of the questions. He couldn't answer the first one without saying that the only reason he was interested in Notre Dame was that he wanted to make his parents happy. Sure, he'd sworn up and down that he wanted to go to Notre Dame, but facing the question now, Yoongi didn't know how to answer it.

The second essay was easier. He knew what his home was, and he was able to come up with bullet points on what he wanted to say. Other than that, he hadn't done anything for that essay.

The third one was the hardest of all. Yoongi didn't know how he wanted people to perceive hin as, and every time that he tried thinking about it, he remembered Hoseok's words, calling him pathetic.

Was that the impression that Yoongi gave off? Is that how people would see him? One that reeked of pathetic?

Yoongi looked to the side, staring at the unfolded paper note he'd set down next to him. Hoseok was the reason he couldn't concentrate on his application. Yoongi had to do something to get his head in the spirit of Notre Dame. He had to get rid of the thoughts in his head and clear his mind about what Hoseok had told him, or else he'd never be able to properly answer the last question.

Shaking slightly, he grabbed his phone and pulled up the dial pad, writing the number he'd already memorized. Without thinking, he pressed the call button and brought the phone to his ear, his heart thundering in his chest.

The ringer dialed once.

Then twice.

Then a third time.

"Hello?"

Yoongi didn't know why hearing Hoseok's voice scared him as much as it had at that moment. He was left speechless for a few moments, his mind scrambling to think about what to say. He was breathing erratically, his shoulders moving up and down unevenly.

"Do you really think I'm pathetic?"

Yoongi's voice had come out shaky, but he didn't care.

"Yoongi?"

It made sense that Hoseok would sound incredulous. Yoongi had called him over the phone after years of not speaking, asking over something that should mean nothing. Yoongi was currently hung up over Hoseok's words from weeks ago. Here was Yoongi, needing confirmation that Hoseok didn't mean anything he'd said directly to him. At least, not what Hoseok had said to him.

"Just answer me," Yoongi closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. "Please."

There was silence at the end of the line.

"Please, Hoseok."

Yoongi winced as he heard his voice crack. It was pitiful that he was on the phone with Hoseok, someone he'd promised his parents to stop being friends with. Maybe Namjoon had been right. Perhaps Hoseok calling Yoongi pathetic for hiding behind Catholicism had hurt Yoongi more than he had realized. Yoongi and Hoseok had been childhood best friends, and maybe, what Hoseok thought of Yoongi, meant more to Yoongi than anything else.

How could Yoongi answer the third essay when his former best friend called him pathetic?

"Wait, Yoongi, are you crying?"

"Damn it, Hoseok, just answer the fucking question!"

Yoongi had never heard himself so angry, so aggravated. He usually didn't curse, and if it weren't for the fact that he'd been a little loud, he wouldn't have registered what he had just said. He could feel his eyes watering, feeling as the first teardrop fell down his cheek. Yoongi didn't know why he was acting like this. He had no clue why he was crying. He was confused, frazzled, and impatiently waiting for Hoseok's response.

"I don't...Yoongi, please don't cry." Hoseok's voice was softer, pleading. "I wasn't thinking when I called you that. I didn't mean it."

Yoongi sniffed, a trembling sigh escaping his lips. "Okay. That's...that's all I needed to hear. Thank you."

"No, Yoongi, don't hang u—"

Yoongi pressed the end call button, immediately blocking Hoseok's number to prevent Hoseok from reaching him. He put his phone on top of his cabinet, taking a few moments to compose himself. He wiped the tears that had managed to fall, scoffing at himself for even crying in the first place.

Why'd he even start crying in the first place?

Being called pathetic wasn't the end of the world, especially not when the one that called you that was your former best friend. It's not like Yoongi was crying over Hoseok. That would be insane. Yoongi wouldn't cry over Hoseok, who was a boy.

He closed his laptop, placing it on top of his desk. Fortunately, his eyes weren't puffy or red, so there was no trace of Yoongi's former state. Knowing he wouldn't get any work done, he changed into his sleepwear and went to brush his teeth before getting on his bed.

At least Hoseok didn't mean it, Yoongi thought as he shut his eyes, exhaling contently. He didn't mean it.

For the first time in the last couple of weeks, Yoongi had managed to drift off to a peaceful sleep.

a/n: i keep forgetting to exist guys, my bad i promise im not doing this on purpose. currently in new york for the thanksgiving break so i've been hella busy doing all them touristy stuff. i hope you've all been well! i'm actually continuing to write paradise in you (i am trying to finish it by the end of the year). will be grinding writing once i get back home, which will definitely be fun (and ofc all my other works as well).

thank you for reading <3