Yoongi met Hoseok the day after the messages were sent, his insides churning inside out with anticipation. They'd driven to the park, where they were currently in the back of Hoseok's truck, the only people in the park for miles. It was dark already, and they preferred it that way, at least, Yoongi did. That way he wouldn't have to fully look at Hoseok's face, even if the moon did shine its bright light on him.

Admitting to himself that he had feelings for Hoseok was one thing. Being next to Hoseok knowing this was worse. For the first time, Yoongi felt nervous around Hoseok. His hands were sweaty, and his heart was beating at miles he had never thought possible. Any chance of Yoongi thinking that he had been lying to himself was proven wrong by how he was feeling, but he couldn't make it obvious how much Hoseok now affected him.

It was almost comical how everything had changed for Yoongi and for Hoseok; they'd stayed completely the same.

"I went to church today," Yoongi said, trying to start a conversation. Hoseok looked at him, almost shocked, and waited for Yoongi to continue. "It was the only thing that felt normal. Stable."

"Did you like it at least?"

"Absolutely not," Yoongi responded, earning a laugh from Hoseok. "My parents were happy though. I hadn't gone in weeks. They even took me out to breakfast to celebrate my 'return to God.'"

"They didn't try to introduce you to any church girls?" Hoseok asked, partly teasing. Yoongi sighed because the truth was, they had.

He'd already forgotten her name even though they had exchanged numbers. She was pretty, Yoongi could give his parents that, but Yoongi couldn't see her as anything more. His mind, despite going to church, was still riddled with thoughts of Hoseok, and every time that he looked at her, all he could do was note the differences between her and Hoseok. How no matter how devoted she was to the Catholic faith, how she had been accepted to Boston College and was planning on going, how interesting she had been, and how Yoongi and her had a lot of similar goals and aspirations, she wasn't Hoseok.

No one could compare to Hoseok.

It was unfair, really.

"They did, didn't they?"

Yoongi nodded, looking down.

"Was she nice at least?" Hoseok asked. Yoongi grimaced.

"She was perfect," Yoongi answered truthfully. "She's going to BC in the fall. Devout. We're really similar. She runs. Loves basketball. Loves the same shows I do. My parents really liked her."

"Did you?"

Yoongi shook his head. He could almost feel the question Hoseok wanted to ask, his face betraying no mention that Yoongi could grasp on. He didn't know whether Hoseok was relieved to hear Yoongi wasn't interested in her, or whether he was questioning why Yoongi wasn't interested. Yoongi almost wanted Hoseok to ask him, to show that he cared about who Yoongi was talking to.

"Can't say I'm surprised," Hoseok smiled, placing his hand on Yoongi's leg. Yoongi inhaled sharply, but said nothing, already feeling the creeping flush in his cheeks. "Was she interested in you?"

"Probably," Yoongi shrugged, trying his best to remain calm. "We exchanged numbers. We haven't texted, but my parents were over the moon."

"That's a shame," Hoseok commented, though his voice relayed anything but. "She sounded like the perfect lady."

Yoongi shrugged, turning to meet Hoseok's eyes. "Wasn't what I was looking for."

All Yoongi was doing was inviting more problems for himself. The more Hoseok asked, the more Yoongi provided, and slowly, it was getting to the point where Hoseok could flat out ask him if he was looking at anyone romantically. Yoongi would have to say the truth then, and he didn't know if his heart had decided to overtake his brain, because anyone could have told him that what Yoongi was doing right now was far from rational. He was playing with fire, and it would only be a matter of time before he was fully burned by the flame.

The seconds extended to minutes as Hoseok and Yoongi looked at each other. He could almost feel the gravitational pull, and Yoongi wanted to lean in, which is why he refrained from getting closer, remembering Namjoon's words.

It sounds to me that you want the benefits of being in a relationship without being in the relationship.

"What happened between you and Jimin?" Hoseok asked quietly, breaking the silence. Yoongi swallowed the lump in his throat, and he looked down, fiddling with his fingers nervously. The time for pleasantries had been over before it truly had begun. The reason as to why they were meeting was now out in the open, and it was something that Yoongi had wanted to get a chance to do. To tell Hoseok his side of the story and attempt to convince him that he wasn't the bad guy in this situation.

His explanation was rushed, to the point where Hoseok had to tell Yoongi to calm down because he was speaking too fast. Hoseok had put his hands on Yoongi's shoulders, gently reminding him that they had all the time in the world. Hoseok's reassuring voice got Yoongi to calm down considerably, and for a second, Yoongi believed that everything would be okay.

"Jimin didn't know why you pushed him," Hoseok said, folding his arms across his chest. "It was unprovoked. He didn't lie to me about what you were talking about, but he made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. You got angry about talking about me and Alex."

"I got emotional, not angry," Yoongi corrected, quickly adding, "And it wasn't because of you two. It's what he said. About me. He was pointing everything out, like when you were dancing, and kissing and how your future was going to be with him now and how you weren't going to talk to me anymore and how it was all on me—"

"Wait, Yoongi," Hoseok cut in, instantly silencing Yoongi. "I didn't kiss Alex. I know that's what it looked like, but I promise you, I didn't kiss him. He kissed me . I know it doesn't sound like there's a difference, but there is. I didn't kiss him back. I promise."

Yoongi hated how relieved he felt hearing Hoseok's words. It was like the pressure of knowing that he'd messed everything up between the two of them was now gone. Hoseok must have noticed Yoongi's expression because he laughed, smiling at Yoongi reassuredly.

"I told you I wouldn't do anything I didn't feel, Gi," Hoseok said. "I've gotten closer to Alex these past few weeks, but it's only confirming what I already knew. The kiss sealed the deal for me. I'm not ready for that. I don't think I will be. I tried."

"Couldn't stop thinking about your first love?" Yoongi asked, to which Hoseok shook his head. He smiled ruefully, eyes gazing up at the stars.

"It's cruel, I think," Hoseok commented, continuing to look up. "I can't move on. I think I need to get my heart broken permanently for that."

"Do you think he'll break your heart if you tell him?"

Hoseok smiled painfully.

"I don't think he realizes that any action that he does can break it," Hoseok sighed wistfully, avoiding Yoongi's gaze. "I feel like there have been many times where he's been close, but then he does something that makes it better. I'm stuck, Yoon."

"I feel like I've heard that before," Yoongi said, nudging Hoseok softly. "You told me that a while back."

Hoseok's lips curved upwards. "Something along those lines. Look, Yoon, I'm sorry I didn't come to your defense. I didn't think you'd want to see me after I told you to leave. Plus, Joon had already run out. You should have seen the look on his face. He'd left the bathroom just as you had run out. He didn't even need to ask Jimin what was wrong. He looked at us and then ran to find you. Made me feel like a shit friend at it too."

"You were siding with your best friend, Hoseok," Yoongi smiled weakly. "I don't think I can fault you for that."

"But you were my best friend once too."

Hoseok's voice was quiet, riddled with guilt. His expression was troubled, and he couldn't meet Yoongi in the eyes. It hurt seeing Hoseok this way. Yoongi reached out, though he didn't really know what to do with his hands. Eventually, he settled for putting them on Hoseok's thighs, causing the elder's eyes to flit upwards. Yoongi smiled at him assuredly, letting Hoseok know that it was okay. Hoseok smiled back, and Yoongi fought the urge to let the warmth of Hoseok's gaze warm his cheeks, though his heart did pick up just the tiniest of speeds.

"It feels like you changed your stance from the last time we talked," Hoseok murmured, saying nothing about Yoongi's hands on his legs. "You thought I should try things with Alex. What changed?"

Yoongi didn't know what answer Hoseok was seeking, but Yoongi couldn't tell him. Strangely, there was a hope glimmering in Hoseok's eyes, and Yoongi couldn't properly tell why. Was Hoseok expecting him to say something? Yoongi didn't know what he could tell Hoseok that would make Hoseok's hope intensify, but he wanted to.

"You didn't like him," Yoongi finally settled on. "Why would I encourage you to be unhappy? You should be with someone you want to be with."

"Yeah?"

Hoseok felt a bit closer now, but that could have been Yoongi's imagination.

"Yeah," he whispered, looking at Hoseok. "I think you should be with someone you like. Someone you have feelings for."

Closer still. They had mere inches apart from each other, and Yoongi's heart had begun thundering in his chest, to the point it felt a loud, yet welcoming feeling in his ears. It was like it had been weeks ago when they'd gotten so close and Yoongi had to remind himself that they couldn't. But now, they could. They could because Yoongi had feelings for Hoseok, even if Hoseok didn't have feelings for him.

He was open to the idea of kissing Hoseok, as much as he used to despise it before. He could feel his thoughts turning into nothing but blank slates. Damn the consequences at that moment. If Hoseok kissed him, what would that change? If they kissed, then Yoongi could finally realize if he was just making all his feelings up in his head, or if he genuinely had feelings for Hoseok.

You don't even realize it at first.

"What about safety?"

Yoongi could feel Hoseok's cool breath now, and if Yoongi were to blink, he felt as if he would miss engraving Hoseok's characteristics onto his mind. The tension between them was palpable, but it wasn't any awkward tension. It was one that tested their boundaries, and if any of them made a sudden move, the tension would be dispelled, bringing forth a brand new change, one that neither of them would be ready for. One small move and their lives would change, and Yoongi didn't know if it would be good.

"Screw safety."

It astounded Yoongi how he could maintain eye contact with Hoseok, even this close to him. He was terrified, but drumming in anticipation, and it was as if he could feel everything all at once. It excited him, the prospect of being with Hoseok, just as much as it set off the red lights in his mind, telling him to pull away. But, just like last time, they'd been pulled together, and Yoongi couldn't resist it.

Hoseok's eyes fluttered to Yoongi's lips and back again, too fast for Yoongi to fully process. Yoongi swallowed the lump in his throat, his lips parting just the tiniest bit. They weren't talking anymore, yet they were the loudest they'd ever been, gazing at each other, daring each other to make the first move, a continuation of their ongoing challenges. Yoongi had said to throw safety away, an invitation for Hoseok to be true to himself, while also challenging the mere notion of it.

Safety would be for Hoseok and Yoongi to go their separate ways. They had separated in the past, and they had done perfectly fine. Safety would be for Hoseok to date Alex despite having his mind set on someone else, and safety would be for Yoongi to be with the girl whose name he did not remember so that everyone in his life would be happy. Safety was easy. Safety was the most logical option. Why would they risk everything? For what, would they risk everything?

They shouldn't, Yoongi shouldn't.

And then, their lips met.

Yoongi couldn't remember who had leaned in first. Perhaps it had been Hoseok, or maybe it had been Yoongi, most likely the both of them leaning in at the same time. All he could remember was how his breath had caught in his lungs, his head spinning at impossible intervals. He was on fire, his heart pounding in his chest as he felt Hoseok's incredibly sweet lips, soft, to the point where Yoongi felt as if he had sunk his teeth into the apple Eve had taken a bite off despite being told not to. The apple had fallen into his hands, and he'd taken a bite out of it, reveling in Hoseok's lips, and he felt nothing but satisfaction.

"The Devil will not come to you looking horrifying," Yoongi's mother had said to Yoongi when he was thirteen. "If it did, you wouldn't sin. It will come to you dressed as a sheep. It'll pretend to be innocent, and pure, and shows itself in the most tempting way possible. It's your job to turn away from the Devil. You mustn't let yourself fall into the temptation. If you fall, you will sin."

Yoongi remembered calling Hoseok his biggest temptation.

Now, Hoseok was Yoongi's biggest sin.

When they pulled away, Yoongi was still reeling, his mind feebly attempting to make sense of what had just happened. His first instinct had been to look away, his cheeks burning with shame, and his hands were now back on his body. He was out of breath, flaming in guilt, and his heart couldn't stop sprinting. If Yoongi had any chance of pretending that he had no feelings for Hoseok, they were gone now. They'd broken the fragile glass wall between them, and Yoongi couldn't just run away.

Neither of them could.

"Yoongi?"

Hoseok spoke softly, voice melting in worry and care. Yoongi couldn't face him. How could he explain what had just happened between the two of them? He couldn't, not unless he admitted his feelings to Hoseok, ones that he'd only realized himself were there not even a week ago. It was much too soon— everything was going too fast for Yoongi and now he had to look Hoseok in the eyes and admit that despite every wrong Yoongi had ever committed against Hoseok and everyone in the community, he was a part of the community himself.

His eyes stung with tears, and Yoongi didn't really know why. Hoseok tried putting a hand on him, but Yoongi felt it, and immediately flinched at his touch— not because he hated it, but because he still didn't want to face what had just happened.

Was this how Adam and Eve felt when they had eaten from the forbidden fruit and realized that they were naked? How they burned with so much shame they had to make themselves clothes from leaves to cover themselves?

"Talk to me."

"And say what?" Yoongi asked, his voice cracking a tiny bit. "What do you want me to say?"

"Anything."

"Anything?" Yoongi echoed, still avoiding Hoseok's gaze. "What good will that do?"

"You can't even look at me."

It hurt Yoongi to hear how emotional Hoseok seemed to sound. Yoongi had hurt him. Again. Yoongi shouldn't be surprised at this point. He'd done nothing but hurt Hoseok, and now, their friendship had changed. All it took was one kiss. One kiss for Yoongi to avoid Hoseok's gaze, one kiss for Hoseok to get hurt, and one kiss to bring their budding relationship to a screeching halt.

The worst part of it all was that as much as Yoongi wanted to deny it, he liked it.

He liked the feeling of Hoseok's lips on his. It felt nice. Like he was complete. That alone could help Yoongi forget all the shame he was currently drowning in. All he had to know was that Hoseok liked him back, even just a little, and it had to be fine. It would be fine. But, Yoongi didn't think he was ready for that either. If they liked each other, then what? Yoongi had spent his entire life hating people like Hoseok, and now that he was one of them, how could he just launch himself into a relationship— his first-ever relationship with someone he'd been taught defied the laws of God?

Then, Yoongi realized.

"That was my first kiss."

Hoseok had been his first.

Against his better judgment, Yoongi slowly turned his head towards Hoseok, who only looked at him, stunned. No, that wasn't the right word. There were too many emotions on Hoseok's face to truly say what he was feeling, and Yoongi couldn't identify any of them. The tears that had been stinging his eyes had receded, and Yoongi was able to fully look at Hoseok and meet Hoseok's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok said, and Yoongi knew he meant it. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Yoongi piped softly, looking at him in an attempt to be reassuring. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Before Hoseok could say anything more, Yoongi's phone rang. He let it ring and only answered after Hoseok encouraged him to answer it. He accepted the call and put the phone to his ear, immediately invaded by the sound of the girl his parents had set him up with, the one whose name had already been forgotten.

"Hey, Yoongi!" she greeted enthusiastically. "It's Jess."

"Jess, hi," Yoongi said, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "What's up?"

"My parents are nagging me a bit, and I was wondering if you wanted to meet me sometime later tonight," Jess said, and from Hoseok's expression storming, Yoongi knew Hoseok had heard. "Please. We could go get some McDonald's; I don't know. I just can't be in the house right now."

"Uh, I'm flattered, but—"

"Please, Yoongi, I will love you forever," Jess practically begged. "I just need to get away for a bit. If I tell them we're together, they'll let me go. I can even go pick you up; you just have to say yes!"

"Okay, I'll send you my address," Yoongi relented, quickly noticing Hoseok's disappointment. "I'll see you soon."

"Ugh, thank you!" Jess said, laughing. "You're a lifesaver!"

Yoongi hung the phone, and Hoseok quickly spoke. "That the church girl?" Yoongi nodded. "So you're going to her. You don't even know her. You met her today."

"And she asked for my help, so I'm giving it," Yoongi sighed, already getting his coat. "I don't think it'll take long. I can go to your place after."

"I'll pick you up," Hoseok offered, to which Yoongi hesitated. "She won't see me. I'll stay in my truck."

Yoongi nodded. "Okay. See you later?"

Hoseok smiled, the smile not reaching his eyes.

"Of course."

a/n: first sope kiss slay <3