"Ayos ka lang? Kanina ka pa hindi kumikibo," narinig ko ang mahinahong tinig ni Alyssa habang nakatulala ako sa kawalan.

My mind couldn't comprehend what just happened. All of it feels like a fragment of illusion, a shard of vague memory that I struggle to remember for so long.

My body was warm. Even my heart began beating slower than before. Nawala na yung excitement, nawala na yung naipong kaba.

All I know is that I'm not my current self anymore-well, at least for tonight, this feeling made me feel like a stranger to my own self.

Hindi ko nagawang sagutin ang tanong ni Alyssa. Masyado akong napagod para magkaroon ng lakas makipag-usap sa iba, as much as I wanted to fill her in about what happened, just really couldn't push myself at the moment.

"Kung kailangan mo ng space, sige lang," she silently added.

I closed my eyes. Space? Do I really need space right now? Kasi sa tingin ko mas kailangan kong makalimot. I want to forget Samantha. Hindi, gusto ko na siyang tuluyang burahin sa buhay ko.

Masama na ba akong tao kung gusto kong kalimutan ang lahat ng napagsamahan naming dalawa ni Samantha? Sana naman hindi mali itong gagawin ko lalo na at ako itong nasaktan nang lubusan.

Despite everything that Sam gave me before, all of those hope that she inspired me to think about. Wala na, ayaw ko na. Pagod na ako, gusto ko nang bumitaw sa bagay na alam kong hindi ko naman mahahawakan.

At this moment I knew I fucked up. Tapos na ang kabanata ni Samantha sa buhay ko. Tonight, it will officially end.

And that's on finally accepting the reality na hindi kaming dalawa ang endgame.

Isang mahabang buntong-hininga ang nilabas ko bago ako tumingin sa direksyon ni Alyssa. "Thanks for staying with me," bulong ko. "Sobrang na-appreciate ko."

"As if I will leave you behind in that kind of situation. Of course I would stay," ang sabi pa niya na may halong mapang-asar na ngiti. "All I can do is stay."

Even if I'm not looking at her, I can feel her eyes on me. It's like she's watching over me to see if I was still okay.

"I know it's really painful. Ikaw ba naman, mag-invest nang pagkahaba-habang panahon only to find out na yung taong gusto mong kausapin sa tamang panahon e biglang gan'on na pala ang sitwasyon. Nobody will recover quickly after that, kahit siguro ako, mai-stress," dagdag niya pa na may halong paghilot sa kaniyang sintido.

Even if I have something to say, I just remained silent after that. Hindi ko magawang magsalita o makipag-usap sa kaniya, I could only say how thankful I am for having her with me, yet I'm not in the mood to start a conversation with her.

"Kaya mo yang lagpasan, Allan. Just look at the brighter side. You can finally move on, this time with a concrete reason. At least ginawa mo ang bagay na gusto mong gawin noong umpisa pa lang. In that way, you don't have to blame yourself for not doing anything. Besides, hindi mo kontrolado ang sitwasyon. Whoever is the guy that she's loving right now, no wonder na lagi siyang kasama, o nakakausap ni Samantha. Wala ka talagang laban sa taong nasa tabi niya palagi. Let's just say, doon ka nagkulang," she slowly swerved the car on the next left turnover.

I can see the lampposts outside with their lights curving in front of my eyes. Pumikit ako at muling inisip ang mga salitang binanggit ni Alyssa.

I did really had an issue of not giving Sam the time that she should have had from me. Looks like I was wrong, hindi niya ako hinihintay. She's not waiting for me and the years that just passed made it clear for her to finally start a new life of her own, of course without me in the picture.

Damn, it just made my mind become blurry. Ayokong ganito ang nararamdaman lalo na at masyado akong sensitive sa ganitong bagay.

Thanks to Alyssa, she's spitting facts even if it's too painful to accept.

"I'm not blaming you though. Pero kailangan mo talagang tanggapin yun para maka-move on ka," she even added.

After that, she remained silent and let me fiddle with my own emotion. I guess it couldn't help but to have some self pity for the meantime.

It just lasted for a few minutes though when Alyssa stated driving slowly up until she stopped the car in a parking lot. Umupo ako nang maayos at tumingin sa labas ng bintana.

"Nandito na ba tayo sa bar na nahanap mo?" ang tanong ko sa kaniya.

I can feel the thirst on my throat. Gusto ko nang uminom ng alak para makalimutan ko muna si Samantha pansamantala. It will really help in times like this.

Alyssa smiled at me. "Yup, nandito na tayo. Tara," she went outside of the car first before I followed her.

Gabi na at gaya nga ng inaasahan ko ay uulan na nga maya-maya lang. Hindi pa rin kasi humihinto ang mahinang ambon na kanina ko pa nakikitang pumapatak sa bintana ng kotse habang nasa biyahe kami.

"Uulan to mamaya panigurado," tumingala ako sa langit at doon ako hinawakan ni Alyssa sa kamay.

"Kaya nga tara na, kung tatayo lang tayo rito, siguradong maaabutan nga tayo ng ulan. You want to have some drink, then let's have some," I can't believe Alyssa is all in to this.

O baka gusto lang niya akong sumaya. That agreeing to this sort of thing would make her show me that she's going to do anything just to make me happy.

Tumango ako at sumunod sa kaniya sa paglalakad. There's nothing I can do anyway if I'll just stand and stay here.

Mula sa parking lot ay may mga nadaanan pa kaming mga sasakyan na iba't iba ang modelo. If I am right, karamihan sa mga customer ng bar na pupuntahan namin ay may class.

Puro mamahaling mga sasakyan ba naman ang nakikita ko. Idagdag mo pa na may mga guwardiya na nagbabantay sa paligid. The bar is giving their customers the service of security really well.

That's when we went straight to the main entrance. May dalawang guwardiya roon, isang lalaki at babae na nakatayo sa tabi ng pintuan. The female guard did the body check with Alyssa while the male guard did it to me.

Nang masiguro nilang wala kaming dala na kahit na anong bagay na tiyak na puwedeng magsimula ng gulo ay hinayaan na nila kaming pumasok sa loob.

Nang makapasok kami ay binati kami ng hallway na may mapusyaw na ilaw na kulay lila. It really built the mood so gloomy but at the same time, mysterious. Kung sakaling magpapatugtog sila ng kantang puwede sa slow dance, I won't think twice and I'll pull Alyssa's hand and begin dancing with her in this hallway.

Hanggang ngayon ay hawak pa rin ni Alyssa ang kamay ko hanggang sa dalhin niya ako sa naghihintay na pulang double doors sa dulo ng hallway. As we reached the door, she looked at me and smile. "Forget her before we go inside. Let's just enjoy."

At tuluyan na niyang binuksan ang pinto at bumungad sa amin ang isang pristelhiyosong scenario kung gaano magsaya ang mga mayayamang kagaya ni Alyssa.

In front of us are people wearing suits and dresses. Para akong nasa isang gala kung saan napapalibutan ako ng mga kapwa ko artista. If that's the case, no one would be surprised to see me here. Dahil isa akong artista, at ang mga artistang kagaya ko ay natural lang na makikita sa ganitong klase ng mga bar.

"Let's grab a drink," I pointed at the bar nearby.

Alyssa nodded and followed suit behind me while I was holding her hand.

There we started asking each other what kind of drink we would like to have. Siyempre dahil gusto ko nang medyo matapang, I immediately told the bartender to give me a bottle of Jack Daniels.

On the contrary, Alyssa chose something that is not heavy, pero may sipa. Something that women who drinks always choose in times like this.

"Cocktail lang sa akin, maiba naman. Palagi na lang kasing Smirnoff ang iniinom ko," ang sabi ni Alyssa sa bartender.

The guy who's manning the bar tended our needs. Habang inihahanda niya ang mga drink na order namin ay pansamantala muna akong tumingin sa paligid.

May bandang tumutugtog ng classical music sa dulo habang napalilibutan sila ng mga customer ng bar. They're all watching them while they're having their drinks.

Nakangiti ang karamihan sa kanila, how I wish I was drinking for fun and not for forgetting someone else.

Ipinatong ng bartender ang isang malamig na bote ng Jack Daniels sa aking harapan kasama ng isang cocktail glass para naman kay Alyssa. After serving us, the bartender tended another customers beside us.

"Let's find a table," I looked around and found an empty table a few meters away from the band that was playing.

"Sure," Alyssa picked up the cocktail glass and followed me.

Habang naglalakad kami ay hawak ko pa rin ang kamay ni Alyssa. Sa dinami-rami ng mga customer dito ay hindi maiwasang maging crowded ang buong area.

Fortunately, its not as crowded to the point that you'll become uncomfortable of your surroundings. Sapat lang para makipag-mingle, makipagkilala sa mga taong hindi mo kilala.

As we reached the empty table, Alyssa sat down and stared from afar. "Look at them, they're doing good," she said when her eyes sees the band playing on the stage.

"As good as they can be," I whispered as I open the lid of the bottle of Jack Daniels.

Nang maamoy ko ang samyo ng alak ay bigla akong nakaramdam ng kakaibang sigla. It's like the essence of it is enough to hype my nerves up and erase the sadness inside of me.

Tahimik muna kaming uminom ni Alyssa. None of us is saying anything as we are both preoccupied of watching the band playing. Kung alam ko lang ang pangalan ng piyesa na tinutugtog nila, I may have downloaded it once I'm done here.

Ilang shot-glass na rin ng alak ang naiinom ko at halos mangalahati na ang natitirang laman ng bote. Alyssa didn't say anything but I could see the concern through her eyes.

Um-order pa siya ng dalawa pang glass of cocktail sa server na dumaan sa tabihan ng mesa namin. We even grabbed some food to eat after that and started indulging ourselves with it.

That's when the band stopped playing and they stood up one by one. Nag-bow sila sa amin at sumunod nito ang samo't saring palakpakan mula sa mga manunuod.

As they left the stage, the spotlight that was pointed at them began fading away, up until darkness engulfed their whole platform.

Nang inakala kong tapos na ang lahat ay bigla namang may spotlight na tumutok sa kabilang sulok nitong bar. Doon ay may nakita kaming lalaki na nakatayo sa harapan ng isang dj set.

That's when he started mixing different sounds along with the beat of flashing lights above us. Nauwi tuloy sa isang classic party bar ang bar na ito na kanina ay formal kung tutuusin.

Despite the sudden change of atmosphere, wala akong nakita na sumimangot bagkus ay tumatango-tango pa sila kasabay ng bawat beat na pinatutugtog ng DJ.

"Sayaw tayo?" tanong sa akin ni Alyssa.

Umiling ako. "Wala ako sa mood magsaya," I admitted.

"Oh come on, kung gusto mong makalimot, dapat may ibang bagay kang ginagawa. Kung mananatili ka lang diyang nagmumokmok, hindi talaga mawawala sa isip mo si Sam," she started nudging my hands, trying to pull me up.

I thought she said to forget her before entering this room? Why bring her name up all of a sudden?

Nakailang shot na ng alak ang nainom ko kaya't medyo umiinit na ang pakiramdam ko. As I look into Alyssa's face, I could notice that she's starting to become more charming than before.

The way she touches my hand sends a tingling sensation over my body as if there's a shock that was coming from her, a shock that is so irresistible, I couldn't even pull my hands off.

"I-if you insist," I stood up and let her lead the way.

Gaya ng iba pang mga customers ng bar, there's a spacious place at the center of the bar that is dedicated for this. Marami ng mga tao ang nagsasayaw doon kasama ang kani-kanilang mga partner.

Some are just vibing while holding their drinks, at tila hindi sila nagsasawang makipagtitigan sa isa't isa. I do understand them, kahit si Alyssa ay hindi ko pagsasawaang pagmasdan kung magkakatitigan din kami maya-maya.

Dinala ako ni Alyssa sa hindi kalayuan mula sa table namin. She then gave me space so that she can dance. Habang patuloy na tumutugtog ang party music na pinatutugtog ng DJ ay patuloy rin siya sa kaniyang pagsasayaw.

Hindi pa naman siya lasing gaya ng kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm slowly losing myself that's why I couldn't move at all. Tumatango-tango lang ako kahit na alam kong hindi na ako sumasabay sa saliw ng tugtog.

But seeing Alyssa pumped up pushed me even more to at least do my best. Tumatawa pa si Alyssa habang iginigiling ang kaniyang beywang sa hindi malaswang paraan. Its just like she's enjoying herself and nothing more.

Meanwhile, as I watch her enjoying, unti-unti kong napapansin na nag-iiba ang itsura niya. Her face had slowly distorted making it look like I'm facing Samantha instead.

I saw Sam in front of me, swaying her hands, laughing with me. But her hands never touches me, parang may barrier sa pagitan naming dalawa na hindi ko magawang alisin.

The music continued to play but her face didn't change. Para talagang si Samantha ang kaharap ko ngayon, at dahil sa nakikita ko, hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng sakit sa dibdib.

Whenever I saw and remember that beautiful face, I couldn't erase the fact that she's taken by someone else. Hindi na siya maaaring maging akin, lalo na at bubuo na siya ng sarili niyang pamilya.

Doon ko lang din napansin na parang namamasa na ang pisngi ko. Kung hindi dahil sa mga palad ni Alyssa, malamang ay hindi ako magigising sa katotohanang umiiyak na pala ako.

"Allan, a-ayos ka lang ba?" Alyssa's hands were soft to my cheeks.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at dinama ito sa aking pisngi. It was smooth as well, even her hands smelled something in between of perfume and the cocktail that she's drinking.

I started laughing. To the point that I couldn't control myself anymore. It was unintentional, probably due to the influence of alcohol.

"Lasing ka na yata," with her strong and dedicated hands, Alyssa pulled me gently out of the dancing ground and led me back to our empty table, alone with the drinks that we hadn't finished yet.

Pinaupo niya ako at saka siya tumabi sa akin. I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels in front of me and started drinking it directly from the bottle. Ang init nito na dumadaloy sa aking lalamunan ay siyang mitsa kung bakit biglang nag-iba ang pakiramdam ko.

Lasing na nga ba talaga ako? Parang hindi naman, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari. Basta ang alam ko, ang saya saya ko sa mundo. The music, the lights, they're all facing at me.

May mga fans yatang nakatingin sa akin at naririnig ko ang mga cheer nila sa di kalayuan. Even the TV is showing my face, para tuloy akong special guest sa isang concert ng kilalang singer ng industriya.

Naramdaman kong dumampi ang kamay ni Alyssa sa pisngi ko. Malambot iyon at makinis kaya hinawakan ko rin ang kaniyang kamay. She didn't flinched and accepted my touch.

"You look like an angel. Damn," I bit my lip seductively.

Alyssa shook her head slowly. "Definitely intoxicated," then she chuckled.

Uminom ulit ako ng alak hanggang sa tuluyan ko nang maubos ang laman nito. It wasn't hard to finish for someone who isn't new with drinks. Sanay ako sa mga heavy drinks but this time, if you're emotionally disturbed, hindi mo talaga maiiwasang masaktan.

"Alyssa," I called her name.

She looked at me. "Bakit?"

I laughed for no reason. But my body is feeling the heat and my mind is rolling due to the spirit of the alcohol. Damn, my grasp on reality isn't that strong anymore.

"Alam mo ba na ang password ng cellphone ko e pangalan ko lang? Just Allan," I can't help but continue laughing. Natatawa kasi ako sa sarili ko, I've been using my name as my phone password.

"You don't need to tell me that," ani Alyssa, sumimsim siya sa cocktail glass na nasa kaniyang harapan. "Lasing ka na kaya kung ano-ano na ang nasasabi mo."

"Nooo, hindi pa ako lasing."
"Yes you are."
"Totoo naman na yun ang password ng cellphone ko para hindi ko makalimutan kung sino ako. Ako si Allan, di ba?"
"Allan, stop."
"Why? I'm just telling you the truth. Subukan mo pang buksan mamaya, gagana yung Allan sa homescreen lock."
"Tigilan mo na nga pag-inom, tama na yan. Tara na-uy, ba't ka umiiyak?"
"Aly..."

Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Alyssa na humahagod sa likuran ko. Tumabi siya sa akin at patuloy lang niya akong pinakalma. I don't know what's happening but my body keeps pumping this hot sensation.

Yung mga ilaw sa paligid, masyado silang maliwanag. Nakasisilaw, kaya hindi ko maiwasang pumikit at patuloy na magsalita nang magsalita tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi ko na kontrolado.

I know I can think clearly. I know how much willpower I possess as I tried fighting the urge to spur nonsensical statements.

But the spirit of alcohol is taking control of my other senses...

"Ano yun?"
"I don't deserve this career. I just.. I just took it away from someone else..."
"No, you deserve that. Kung iniisip mo na yung career na yan ay hindi dapat mapunta sa'yo dahil ikaw si Allan, then sasabihin ko na nagkakamali ka. You rightly deserve to have that spot. Ikaw si Allendale, maniwala ka sa sarili mo."

She clasped my hands and looked into my eyes. We started at each other, something is forming between us.

Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung ang init ba na nararamdaman ko ay init mula sa pagkalasing o nanggaling ito mula sa titig ni Alyssa na anumang oras ay maaari akong matunaw dulot nito.

"That's it, this is enough. Mababa pala ang alcohol tolerance mo kaya hindi mo na kinaya ang alak," tumayo si Alyssa at inilahad niya ang kamay niya sa akin. "Tara na."

Umiling ako. "Ayoko pa."

"No, let's go now bago ka pa gumawa ng scene dito. I know you're hurting, but I also know you don't want to make a scene," she pulled my hands when I didn't take hers.

Inakay ako ni Alyssa na tumayo at saka niya ako inalalayang maglakad palabas. Binayaran niya na rin yung mga alak na ininom namin at mabuti na lang ay walang taong pumapansin sa aming dalawa.

Nakalabas kami ng bar, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari pero nakita kong nag-uusap lang yung dalawang guwardiya sa labas ng pintuan habang naglalakad kami palayo.

It was raining, hindi gaanong malakas pero nababasa na rin kaming dalawa ni Alyssa habang naglalakad kami palapit sa sasakyan niya.

"Naabutan na tayo ng ulan," tumingala si Alyssa bago niya buksan ang pinto sa backseat ng kaniyang sasakyan.

As she opened it, she assisted me to come inside when I accidentally tripped on my foot resulting for me to drop on the seat, on my back, and pulling Alyssa down on top of me. "Oof."

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa, tanging ang tunog ng malakas na patak ng ulan ang maririnig mula sa bubong ng kotse. I could even feel her heartbeat beating faster on my chest.

With a wide surprised look on her eyes, I can feel her hands touching my chest. It was cold but the heat of my body makes it warmer as seconds starts passing by.

Walang umimik sa aming dalawa, nagpatuloy lang kami sa pagtitig sa isa't isa. Kahit ang paghinga namin ay kontrolado, I know she's reluctant at the moment but I can feel her urge to do something.

That's why I initiated it to happen.

I hold on her face and kissed her gently. As my lips touches her warm lips, I've tasted the tinge of cocktail from it. It was a mixture of bitter taste of alcohol and a sweet sensation of kissing her.

Ang akala ko'y ilalayo niya ang mukha niya sa akin ngunit hinayaan lang niya akong halikan siya. She let me kissed her passionately and I even saw her eyes closing, fully accepting me to do what I'm pleased to do.

She gave consent to continue.

Upon kissing for a few seconds, she looked at me. "Isasara ko lang ang pinto."

Then she closed the door and the rest happened in a slow motion yet in a flash, the heat was there. The tension between us, the passion of touching each other's naked body.

I've seen a couple of bright flashes outside followed by a loud sound of thunder.

We soon reached euphoria, something that everyone will get once they reach paradise.