I think I forgot how to die.

You'd think it'd be simple; swallow way too many pills, get a gun, find a knife. I mean, I guess the methods are simple. Textbook simple, really. But I think there's one instruction that's always left out of every how-to.

You actually have to have the balls to do it.

I had everything planned to the T from the gun in my hand to the time the sun dipped so low that it kissed the ground. I chose the perfect day; Mondays when the Leo Carrillo beach was completely deserted in the evening and the city felt like a ghost town of souls waiting for the weekend. I'd waited patiently for the Wolf to grumble and drunkenly roll over on the couch, leaving his favorite pistol laying on the kitchen counter. As creepy as it may sound, I'd been planning to die for weeks and now it was finally the big night.

But my hand was shaking on the trigger and as much as I tried to fight them, my eyes were rich with tears.

I should have expected this. I suck at sticking to anything; sports, jobs, people, even TV shows.

Now I wanted to bail on my own death.

I had been sure of what I wanted when the idea struck me like the Aha moment I'd been waiting for. It had seemed like the best idea I'd ever conjured and made the days easier and the sun brighter. I had still been just as sure when I'd walked five miles to the beach, buried myself in the sand and attempted to smoke one of the Wolf's yucky cigarettes, and finally pulled out the pistol.

I think doubt came down like the rain that was due when I actually looked at the gun in all it's glory. It was small but sleek black, the Wolf's initials emblazoned on the butt. It was light, so light that I tried flipping it in my hand like the cowboys in the old action movies. I don't think I realized the doubt until it was time for the main event.

It's odd thinking about what your last moments would be like and even odder when your last moments are staring you right in the face. It dawned on me, with the gun to my temple, that my last memory would be pulling the trigger...and it wasn't settling well.

I'd never thought you could be so consumed by your mind but now, all I could focus on was memories; the ones that hurt and the few that didn't.

And the few, shining memories looked like a tangible tiny glimmer of light in the ocean, promising to grow brighter if I just...put down the gun.

I keep trying to pull the trigger but the light still glimmers and while I know it's a liar, it's almost comforting. Call me crazy but I could swear up and down that the light is real. I could see it shining in the airy dark. 

I try to rack my mind to remember how to die. A week ago, during one of those sour nights in the Wolf's den, I was pretty sure I'd died then. But now I'd never felt more alive.

How do you do it? How do you pull the trigger? How does one look at the light and say 'fuck it'?

I'm convinced I'm not sure how so I give up and lower the gun.

I coddle the hard metal and look out towards the ocean, searching for the light.

But the light isn't there. It was hope and a sham. I'm starting to think it was just some illusion I conjured in my head, a mental way out.

I decide I don't want a way out.

I remember how to die.

----------------

"What are you doing?"

I was supposed to be squeezing the trigger but the gun falls in to the sand. I waited for it to go off and shoot my foot but it nearly washes away with the ocean rushing up to my Converse shoes again like purple poison. I clumsily reach for the gun, toppling over into the watery sand.

Along with the sound of the scalding cold waves, I hear a giggle.

The light appears again except this time it isn't far out in the ocean but flying crazily around in the night sky before beaming brilliantly on the print of my jeans. The light has an owner who emerges from the towering rocks that seem to protect the shore. A girl.

"Need some help?" She giggles again, offering a hand that was nearly engulfed in the sleeve of her oversized sweater and the laser in her other hand points up at the sky.

I take her hand without a second thought. Her touch was warm, so warm that it almost transported you to a tropical beach where the sun shined down on cities without ever taking a break. She looked like the sun too with a big afro that embodied rays and ebony skin that's hue seemed to be dancing underneath what little moonlight was out.

"Thanks," I mumble. I could feel my face flushing and all the sureness I'd been working up to for the past weeks falling down to the pit of my stomach, replaced by the bitterness of a plan being spoiled. But underneath the bitterness, I felt...relief.

"What are you doing with this?" The sun-girl asks suddenly, calmly taking the gun out of my hand.

"Hey, that's mine." I gawk.

"Well you certainly don't know how to use it," She says, nonchalantly observing the Wolf's gun. I glare at her but she doesn't take the hint. "If you're trying to kill yourself, you better take the safety off." She looks up from the metal in her hands with a toothy smile. Her smile matched her laugh. It was enthusiastic and lively and doesn't falter when she meets my scowl.

I decide I hate this girl. Not because of her smile but because she was the flaw in my plans. 

"Want me to show you how?" She asks when I continue to glare at her. She doesn't know that I'm mentally cussing her out.

I frown. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Because you can't kill yourself with the safety on."

I study her face but she's still wearing a smile.

"Uh...yeah, sure."

She takes the gun and settles down on the damp sand as if she's in kindergarten and getting into formation for the teacher. Setting her small laser down, she begins to fiddle with the gun as if she's casually playing with a toy. After a few awkward seconds of standing in the aimless wind, I join her.

"You just push down here..." She murmurs and I watch as she presses her hand on the rear of the gun. There is a small clicking sound. "Now you're ready to load and shoot." She hands me the gun and I try not to appear anxious as I take it in my hand.

The gun felt light before but now it felt heavy, so heavy in fact that I could swear it was weighing down on my hands. It was loaded, the plan was still in motion...but I didn't feel so sure anymore. I stare at the gun and try to stir those feelings, the feelings I'd had weeks - even months - ago. The feelings that had always been there but rose up like a volcano bubbling over in the Wolf's den.

I still didn't feel very sure.

The light appears again in the ocean distance. The girl sighs and gets up, flashing her laser over the darkness surrounding us. In the flickering light, I see the letters printed on her grey sweatshirt; 'Feel The Bern.'"Well, I have to get back," She declares. "See you around...or maybe not."

"You're leaving?" I say far too abruptly. I don't want her to stay. No one is supposed to be here but I couldn't help but feel strangely afraid of being alone, left with a decision that now felt too hollow.

"Of course, I don't want to see anyone die." She replies, no longer smiling. Her face was relaxed when there wasn't a smile lingering there like one of those old 16th century portraits of British debutantes.

"Then why did you help me?"

"Because you don't know how to work a gun."

A question works its way up to the surface and just as the girl is turning to leave again, I can't help but blurt out, "What do you think I should do?" My voice was unsteady like my hold on the Wolf's gun and it makes me cringe.

The sun-girl's dark brown eyes narrow. "That's not my choice. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you're going through but it's not my place to stop you and it's not my place to tell you to do it. You're the only person who can decide if your life's worth living or not."

I mash my lips together. Her words float in the air like carried winds and I try to wrap my mind around each sentence.

"What's your name?" She asks, eyes softening.

I can barely get out, "Lucky."

"Well, Lucky, I hope you make the right decision." With that, she turns to head up the steep rocky slope, flashing her laser towards the distance of city lights ahead of her.

"W-wait!" I call just as she was about to disappear down the slope. She stops at the very top, casting her laser down on the shore again. The light lands directly on my head.

"Yes?"

"What-what are you doing out here?" 

The girl regards me with the last expression I was expecting to go with her reply; a toothy smile. "Same as you," She replies with a shrug. "But I've decided to go home." This time she actually makes it up the rocky slopes without my conscious begging to ask another question, disappearing in the blur of city lights ahead.

I am once again alone with the Wolf's gun but after meeting the owner of the light, I've fucked up and forgotten how to die again.

My mind felt like round two with every thought with it's matching contradiction fighting to the death to take over that one hand to lower or raise the gun. My hands shook, the world felt like it was a mess of rippling earthquakes underneath my feet, and I couldn't get my mind to focus. It was as if there were two crowds in my mind; one dressed in all white and looking heavenly as ever, begging me to end it. The other crowd was dressed in wolf clothing, begging me to stay.

But which one was the real torture? Was this how it happened with everyone else? Did they too feel like their mind was going to explode?

The decisions flying like jeering arrows was enough for me.

I raise the gun and even though my hand slightly quivers, I pull the trigger.

But I don't die. Instead, I stand on the shore, a gun in my hand, and shivering on a cold Monday night.

It's not that I forgot how to die. It's just...well, there weren't any bullets in the gun.

xxx

A/N: This was a part of my Camp Nano challenge-esque thing and this is pretty much what I came up with when I'm not constantly editing and doubting myself to death. I've had this story in my mind for awhile (exactly 3 years) and I was always afraid to write it even though I have the entire story laid out and all the details planned. I wanted it to be absolutely perfect so that kept me from ever even trying so I thought this would be the perfect project for Camp Nano.

Thoughts are welcome! Thank you for reading xx