Is this it? Is this really my end?

I am right. Everything I did will catch-up on me and will kill me. But I never thought that it would be this painful. I never feared death. My only fear is losing her.

"Maraming nawalang dugo sa kaniya... his body is still recovering from hypovolemic shock."

That's what the doctor said, at least, that's what I heard. I desperately wanted to wake up. I wanted to comfort Aliyah, but I couldn't. Naririnig ko ang pag-iyak niya. Nararamdaman ko ang sakit sa bawat hagulgol niya. I wanted to tell her my truth. I wanted to wake up and hold her tight, but my body couldn't move, and I felt helpless... hopeless.

"Your husband will recover..."

"Thank you po, Doc..."

"She's not his wife, Doc. Ex-husband niya na si Andrew... actually hindi nga po ex, e!... hindi rin husband!"

"Steph!"

"Why Li? Totoo naman ha? Sorry Andrew, ha? Pero gago ka kasi! "

"Steph! Ano ba?! Don't say that... he needs... us."

Tama si Steph. Gago nga talaga ako. I fooled her best friend. I should have told Aliyah the truth. I had planned to do so, before going to Zambales. On our supposed first date, at the Italian restaurant I had reserved for that night... I could have told her everything back then.

"He proposed to me, Steph. B-Bago may bumaril sa kaniya..."

"Li, please don't fucking tell me na 'Yes' ang isasagot mo..."

"Steph, I love him..."

"Tang ina naman, Li! Niloko ka niyan. Pineke niya 'yong kasal niyo!"

"He has his reasons... "

"Li naman! Hindi pa rin sapat 'yon para lokohin ka niya! Hinayaan ka pa talaga niyang ma-fall, he even got—"

"Mahal ko na siya bago pa kami ikasal, Steph... "

What? Mahal niya na ako bago pa kami ikasal? Narinig kong bumuntong-hininga si Steph. Aliyah is still sniffling, trying to hold back her tears.

"Aliyah Tanya, victim of love! Defeated!"

"No, Steph! I won. I definitely won, may trophy pa nga, eh!"

"Ay, oo nga pala!"

Then, they began to laugh. How I miss Aliyah's soft laughter. Her angelic voice. Her almond eyes. Her long wavy hair. Her red lips. Everything about her. Please let me wake up. I still want to love her right.

"This has to end, Steph... para wala nang masaktan..."

"What, Li?"

"I need to talk to someone... to fix this."

"S-Sino? I'll go with you!"

"No, tawagan mo si Leo. Siya muna bahala kay Andrew. Ikaw, bumalik ka na sa café."

"Li, nakakakaba naman 'yan!"

"Steph, I need to do this... para sa pamilya ko."

No! No, Aliyah! Stay! Please stay! I need you here! I wanted to move my hands o kahit ang hinliliit ko man lang. I need to wake up, so that I can stop her. I never prayed like this again. Last time I did, I was begging for my mom's life. Pero ito na naman ako.

Please if You can hear me, please wake me up. I can't lose her too.

***

I woke up alone. The fluorescent light on the ceiling dazzled me. Muli akong napapikit dahil doon, pero pinilit ko ulit dumilat. I examined the room with my blurry, dry eyes. Everything is white—the walls, the door, even the bedsheet of my bed. But the curtains were in a light shade of blue.

Nakita ko si Leo na mahimbing ang tulog sa upuan sa tapat ng kama ko.

"Leo, Leo..." paulit-ulit kong tawag sa kaniya.

I propped up my elbows to support myself and sit on the bed. Kumirot nang kaunti ang balikat ko dahil sa ginawa ko. I don't know if the sniper really missed, or 'warning' shot lang iyon, pero alam kong si Tito Rod ang may pakana nito. He's been threatening me ever since we came back from Zambales. Actually, even before that.

"Andrew? Andrew!" sigaw ni Leo. He looked shocked and happy at the same time.

"Shit! Gising ka na, pre! Gago ka! Kinabahan ako sa 'yo, puta!"

"P-Pre, isa-isang mura lang... masakit sa ulo." I chuckled.

"Sorry!" he laughed, gently tapping my back.

I quickly glanced at the window. The bright blue sky shone with the morning sun. Ang huling naaalala ko ay dilim. It was dark. I can't see anything, but I heard Aliyah and Steph. Narinig kong umiiyak si Aliyah, and then right before she left, parang may pinagtatawanan sila ni Steph. Right! Umalis siya... she mentioned something about speaking to someone. Could that be...

"Si Aliyah? Where's Aliyah?" I urgently asked Leo.

"Now? Malamang nasa café. Basta, ang sabi lang sa akin ni Steph last Friday, ako raw muna rito," sagot ni Leo. My brows furrowed. Last Friday?

"Friday? Wait, ano'ng araw na ba?" I asked, feeling confused.

"Monday, pre!" My eyes widened with his answer.

"W-What?!"

"Knocked-out ka ng three days. Halos maubusan ka kaya ng dugo!" Tumayo si Leo at lumapit sa intercom. I saw him press a button, and then he spoke 'Nurse, gising na po 'yong gwapo niyong pasyente, Room 105'

I ignored his joke. Nag-aalala ako kay Aliyah. Kung tama ako, malamang si Tito Rod ang pinuntahan niya. I need to know if she's okay. I need to see her. Nagmamadali akong tumayo at agad kong inalis ang dextrose na nakasaksak sa kanan kong kamay.

"Hoy! Ano'ng ginagawa mo?! Umupo ka nga!" saway sa akin ni Leo. He even held my arms but I pushed his hands away with my sloppy hands. Pakiramdam ko biglang nawala ang enerhiya ko sa katawan nang maramdaman ang pagkirot ng sugat ko sa balikat.

"I-I can't stay here. Kailangan kong puntahan ni Aliyah." I gritted my teeth. "I need to know if she's safe."

Leo pushed me back to the bed. "She's safe. Nasa café nga siya, working as usual," he assured me. Pero mas lalo akong hindi napakali sa binalita niya. I don't know why, but hearing that she's back at work, na parang walang nangyari, na parang ayos lang ang lahat, makes me more restless. Something must have happened between those days that I'm out. Something that might terrify me.

"By the way, pinapabigay ni Steph... galing daw kay Aliyah," may bahid ng lungkot ang boses ni Leo.

Alam ko na ang laman ng paper bag na inabot niya, pero sinilip ko pa rin. Inside is the ring I bought for Aliyah, praying that she'll say yes. But I was wrong. Palagi na lang akong wrong timing.

"Nag-propose ka sa kaniya?" Leo asked and I answered with a nod. 

"I was afraid to lose her..." I uttered.

I took a deep, sharp breath. "Alam niya na, pre. Alam niya nang pineke ko ang kasal." Namilog ang mga singkit na mata ni Leo.

"Tang ina! Pare... tsk! Sabi ko naman sa 'yo eh, dapat noon mo pa sinabi kay Aliyah ang totoo." Napahawak pa siya sa sentido niya at saka malalim din na bumuntong-hininga.

"That's why I need to go... kailangan kong makausap si Aliyah. I can still fix this!" I said with my voice full of certainty.

"Gago! Magpagaling ka muna! Hindi kaya biro 'yang tama mo!" I quickly shook my head in disapproval.

"I can't just wait here... tuso si Tito Rod!"

"Si Samuel at Lance na ang bahala sa kaniya! Parang wala kang tiwala sa tropa ha?" nakangisi niyang sagot, na parang nang-aasar at pinipilit pagaanin ang loob ko.

I stayed for ten more days at the hospital. Wala akong ginawa sa loob ng sampung araw na 'yon kundi ang tawagan si Aliyah o si Steph, pero pareho silang hindi sumasagot. Si Leo lang din ang dumadalaw sa akin and he keeps me updated with everything. Madalas daw wala si Aliyah sa Café Amor at hindi na rin daw siya kinikibo ni Steph. I was right... there's something wrong.

***

Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko at pinagpapawisan ako ng malamig habang hinihintay kong tumigil ang elevator sa 10th floor—kung saan ang unit ni Steph. Kung saan ako mismo nabaril. I slowly moved my feet as I walked towards her door. I buzzed in twice before Steph opened it.

"Why are you here?" masungit na bungad niya habang nakasandal pa sa hamba ng pinto. I gulped to collect my thoughts.

"Si Aliyah? Is she here? I need to talk to her... please," I pleaded, my voice trembling.

"Wala rito."

"W-What? Then, where is she?"

"I don't know, Andrew! Mahirap hanapin ang mga taong ayaw magpahanap!" singhal niya.

Parang biglang kumirot ang sugat ko sa balikat dahil sa sinabi ni Steph. Ayaw magpahanap? Pero narinig ko si Aliyah sa ospital. She said she loved me even before our fake wedding. Bakit niya ako pinagtataguan?

"You're lying ,Steph, tinatago mo lang si Aliyah," my voice filled with conviction. With a quick stride, I moved forward. Pinilit kong silipin ang loob ng unit ni Steph, pero hinarangan niya ako.

"Wala nga siya rito! Ano ba?!" iritadong sigaw niya kasabay ng pagtulak niya sa akin.

Napaatras ako at napahawak sa kanang balikat ko. "Steph, please, alam kong alam mo kung nasa'n siya. Please... tell me," I begged.

"Stop it, Andrew. Please lang, tigilan mo na siya!" Her voice was firm and a bit threatening too.

"Wala ka namang magandang nagawa para sa kaniya, eh!" she added.

Steph is right, and it hurts that she's right. I was able to protect Aliyah from Tito Rod, but I wasn't able to protect her from me. I clenched my fists. Pinilit kong ngitian si Steph bago tuluyang umatras palayo sa pintuan. She glared at me before she slammed her door forcefully.

Paulit-ulit ko pa ring tinatawagan ang number ni Aliyah habang pauwi sa condo. My heart pounded with every unanswered call. Pero hindi ko siya puwedeng sukuan. I will pursue her, ipinangako ko 'yon sa kaniya, and I'm not going to break that promise.

***

Our once happy home felt so empty now. I can't even call it a home. Bawat sulok nito, si Aliyah ang naaalala ko. I quickly made my way to the kitchen to look for something to eat. Sa pinto ng ref, nakita ko ang grocery list namin ni Aliyah, handwritten by her.

"Fuck! I miss her."

Ininit ko sa microwave ang tirang adobong pusit galing sa freezer na niluto ni Aliyah para sa akin. I tried to call her again while waiting for it to be done, but still no answer. Hindi na nga nag-riring ang number niya.

Hindi ko napansin na nasobrahan pala ako sa pagre-heat ng pusit... parang goma na ang kinalabasan, pero kinain ko pa rin. Pinagtyagaan kong kainin... only because it reminded me of her.

I left my things in the living room. I decided to take a shower, thinking that it might wash away my pain. But I was wrong; even the steam filled the air with hints of vanilla and flowers—it smells like her

I wrapped a crisp white towel on my waist. I slowly stepped out of the bathroom, but suddenly stopped when I saw her. She's sitting on our bed, wearing that beautiful, radiant smile.

"You're late, Andrew. Saan ka ba galing?"

"Aliyah... I was trying to call you, hinanap ki—"

Lalapitan ko na sana siya nang napatigil ako dahil bigla siyang nawala sa kinauupan niya kanina. I shut my eyes. Fuck! My mind is playing tricks on me! I exhaled slowly. I opened my closet and change into my boxers. Then I heard her again.

"Andrew, can I wear your shirt?"

Marahan kong kinuha ang nag-iising blue shirt ko. I slowly slipped it over my head. This shirt is one of her favorites.

"Yes, that one, Andrew."

Nababaliw na ba ako? Baka side effect lang ito ng painkillers na iniinom ko. I've been drinking them for a week now. Yet, the pain persisted, not on my shoulder, but somewhere deep within my chest.

Nagising na lang ako sa amoy ng adobong pusit. How? Inubos ko na iyon kagabi ah? Unless... she's here?

"She's back!"

Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng kuwarto. Halos madapa pa ako sa pagtakbo. There, on the kitchen, I saw her wearing her yellow apron. Her long wavy hair braided. Her lips painting an incandescent smile on her face. My heart beating so loudly. I dashed into her and gave her a tight, back hug.

"Baby... you're back!" I exclaimed.

Naramdaman kong nagulat siya sa yakap ko. She giggled, and then she faced me. I stared at her beautiful face, shining with her bright smile.

"Andrew! You're awake!" nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin.

I pulled her waist. I sniffed her hair. I gently touched her lips. I wanted to kiss her. I slowly moved closer to close the space between us. Just when our lips were about to touch... she spoke.

"Why are you even awake? Dapat hindi ka na nagising! You manipulated me, you gaslighted me! You lied to me!"

I can't breathe. I can't move. I can't even talk. My chest tightened. I stared at her. Her almond eyes were forming storms. Then darkness filled my eyes.

Ngayon na lang yata ako binangungot. Ramdam ko ang pagdausdos ng butil-butil na pawis sa mukha at leeg ko paggising ko. Inubos ko agad ang baso ng tubig na nasa bedside table. This has to end. I need to see her or else my sanity will leave me. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko, halos umangat ang palad ko dahil sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

There's one place I know she would be. Nagmamadali kong ni-lock ang pinto ng unit ko. Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko para makalapit sa elevator. I was so frantic while waiting for it to arrive.

"Fuck it!" I took the stairs. Hinihingal ako nang makarating sa lobby. Kakaiba ang tingin sa akin ni Claire at pautal pa akong binati ni Mang Ed.

"G-Good morning, Architect. O-Okay na ho kayo?" tanong niya, nakatitig siya sa balikat ko.

"Yes." I responded with a lie.

***

Pababa pa lang ako ng sasakyan, kitang-kita ko na ang ngiti niya. She's talking to a little kid on Table 1. She looks so happy. She looks so perfect, everything about her was perfect. Her angelic face. Her almond eyes. Her red lips. Her long wavy hair that seems to be longer now. Ang ganda niya, napakaganda niya talaga.

Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa café, natatakot na baka mawala na naman siya. No one greeted me, not even Jasper na palaging nagbibiro sa akin. Gail is busy taking an order. Wala si Steph... I felt a sense of relief. Nagpaalam si Aliyah sa batang kausap niya kanina. She slowly walks towards me... or towards the counter where I stood nearby. Nagtagpo ang mga paningin namin. Her eyes widened a bit. I tried to smile at her, but I'm too nervous to do so.

I cleared my throat and gently called out her name as she passed me by, "Aliyah..."

Nagmamadali siyang tumalikod at naglakad papunta ng kitchen. And my feet automatically followed her.

"Wait, Aliyah... please!" Hinihingal ako, pero mabilis kong nahawakan ang pinto ng kusina bago ito magsara.

"W-Why are you here?" she stammered.

I was stunned. For a few seconds, I can't speak. She looked so gorgeous... and terrified at the same time. I saw her jittery fingers. Hindi niya alam kung saan niya ilalagay ang mga kamay niya, kung sa harap o sa tagiliran niya. She settled by placing them in front. Napansin kong hindi niya na suot ang wedding ring namin. Shit! Ang kapal din naman talaga ng mukha ko to expect her to still wear that!

"C-Can we talk, Aliyah?"

"About what, Andrew? H-Hindi naman tayo mag-asawa." I could sense the pain in her voice.

"Right..." I gently ruffled my hair.

"Aliyah... I'm here because I want to explain... I want to tell you that I still love you, and I'm afraid that I will never stop loving you," I choked out.

"Well, I don't," she answered quickly.

"W-What?" I stuttered and I softly bit my lips.

"I don't love you anymore, Andrew. Hindi na kita mahal."

I immediately clutched my chest, while my eyes are fixated on her. Her almond eyes were also staring at me. Sigurado akong hindi nagsisinungaling ang mga mata niya. I felt a sharp pang in my chest. Napadiin ang hawak ko sa dibdib ko. Hindi ako makapagsalita, parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko.

"P-Pero narinig kita, sa ospital... you told Steph you love me, even before our wedding," I managed to say with my trembling voice.

Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin. Napahawak siya sa sikmura niya. She let out a deep sigh.

"People change, Andrew. And my feelings have changed too... I'm sorry pero hindi ko na mapipilit pa ang sarili kong mahalin ka."

My chest tightened even more. But I couldn't look away from her eyes. I'm staring at them, searching for doubt... for hesitation. But there was none! She was so sure. How can she be so sure?

"I know this is all about our fake marriage... I can explain, Ali—"

"You don't have to. Naka-move on na ako... sana ikaw rin," she smiled bitterly.

Is this real? Is this fucking real? Mas masakit pa ito kaysa sa sinabi niya sa akin sa bangungot ko. Hindi ako makagalaw, pero nararamdaman kong nangingilid ang mga luha ko. I absentmindedly glanced upwards, my vision blurring as I tried to hold back my tears. I turned my gaze back to her. I want to hug her. I still want to love her right. But as I looked into her cold eyes, the realization hit me—I may never be given that chance again.

I heard the door open. Steph hurriedly approached Aliyah.

"You okay, Li?" nag-aalalang tanong ng kaibigan niya bago bumaling ang tingin sa akin.

"'Di ba sinabi ko na sa 'yong tigilan mo na siya?! Gago ka ba talaga? Hindi ka makaintindi?"

"Steph!" awat ni Aliyah.

"Alis! Huwag ka nang babalik dito!" galit na sigaw pa ni Steph sa akin.

"Enough, Steph!" Aliyah shot her a stern look.

"Aliyah... it's okay. I'm sorry if I disturbed you," I said with my shaking voice.

"I'm sorry that I lied to you, Aliyah. Even though our marriage was fake, my feelings for you were genuine. They were real since day one... since the first day that I saw you," I confessed, my voice filled with remorse and vulnerability.

"I-I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted to keep you safe.... I just wanted to keep you." Aliyah gasped; she instinctively covered her mouth with her right hand. I took a step closer to her, but Steph swiftly blocked my path.

"Leave Andrew... 'wag ka nang mag-iskandalo pa rito!" Steph snapped at me. Nanlilisik ang mga mata niya habang si Aliyah ay nakayuko lang sa likod niya.

I hesitated; my feet frozen in place. Slowly, I turned away and walked out of the kitchen. Alam kong pinagtitinginan ako ng mga customer ng café dahil panay ang punas ko sa mga mata ko habang naglalakad ako palabas. But I don't care. I was too shattered, too broken to even care.

Pagdating ko sa condo, dumiretso agad ako sa kama para mahiga. I just wanted to lie down on the bed that Aliyah and I used to share. Ni hindi ko na nagawang hubarin ang sapatos ko. Hindi ko na yata kaya pang makita ang mga t-shirt ko o ang maligo sa banyo ko. Every corner of this house screams her name, her presence.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog kagabi, pero isang bote ng ubos na whiskey ang nakita ko sa kama. I let out a wry smile.

My head throbbed with a pounding ache. "Fuck..." I groaned, feeling frustrated and strained.

Pinilit kong bumangon sa kama. Pinilit ko itapak ang paa ko sa sahig, I noticed that I'm still wearing my shoes. Shit! Andrew! Napahawak ako sa ulo ko, halos masabunutan ko na ang sarili ko. I took a deep breath. I tried to compose myself, running my fingers through my disheveled hair before stepping outside my room.

"M-Minda? Who let you in?" Nagtatakang tanong ko kay Minda na nagwawalis sa sala. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at mariing napapikit.

"Kayo, Sir Andrew! Pinagbuksan mo ako ng pinto tapos pumasok ka ulit sa kuwarto..." sagot niya, may bahid pa ng pag-aalala sa boses.

Fuck! I can't remember that.

"Si Ma'am Lia pala? May dala-dala akong peanut butter na gawa ng anak ko. 'Di ba paborito ni ma'am 'to?" nakangiti niya pang sabi.

"Ah, salamat, Minda... nasa café si Aliyah." I smiled at her pero alam kong pilit 'yon. I could see a hint of worry in her eyes.

"May sulat din pala kayo... pinapabigay ni Ma'am Claire." Minda handed over a blue envelope. I quickly tore it open. Halos hindi ko mabasa ang nakasulat doon, not because of this stupid hangover but because of my fucking, stupid, heart.

'Together with their families, Aliyah Tanya and Marcus Robert invite you to celebrate their wedding, November 11, 9 AM, Hotel del Sol Grand Ballroom'

So, this is it. This is my end. This is really painful than death.

***

MsLynLuna ☽