Chapter Twelve

And when I see you in the street

I pray to God you don't see

The silent "hell" in "I wish you well."

I stood in the upstairs shower, but I wasn't even really showering My underwear was still on as I stood there.

My head rested against the wall as I tried to keep calm.

It wasn't that easy.

I couldn't close my eyes without seeing him.

I couldn't stop feeling him touching me.

No matter how hard I scrubbed at my skin.

I stood there for possibly an hour.

I wasn't keeping track.

"Harry? Are you okay in there?" Niall's voice sounded from the door, his words making my scrub harder at my skin.

I couldn't get the feeling of Ashton off of me.

"Harry?" Niall's voice as louder this time, the sound of the bathroom door opening. I could hear him as he walked towards the shower, his shadow appearing through the glass. He opened the shower, his eyes filled with concern as he looked at me.

"Harry..." I didn't say anything, scared that if I did I wouldn't be able to let any of the things I wanted to say out. So instead I simply stared at him, quiet huffs coming from me as I tried to keep my breathing under control.

It was a lot harder than you would think.

Niall climbed in with me, his clothes getting soaked as he took my hands in his.

"You're gonna end up bleeding if you keep that up..." he whispered, his voice just as gentle as his touch. I looked away from him, guilt twisting in my stomach for letting him touch me.

I shouldn't even be allowing that.

I didn't deserve him.

I never did, and now I could see it.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong? I haven't seen you this upset since before Alex passed away... What's wrong?" He continued to whisper, his voice calming and hopeful.

He was being kind.

I didn't deserve his kindness.

I didn't deserve him.

"I... I don't deserve you Niall." I finally got out, my voice croaking. I still refused to look at him, the fear that everything would fall apart keeping me from doing so.

"That's the second time you've said that today and yet I still don't know why... I want to help Harry... I don't like seeing you like this..." He moved a lock of hair that had fallen in front of my face, a sad smile on his as he did this. He ran his hand down my cheek before resting his plan against it. I leaned into his touch, wanting to enjoy it while it lasted.

I hated myself for this.

I don't deserve him.

"I... I did something so f ucking stupid and I know that... that you're going to hate me for it... But it isn't fair if I keep it from you..." I whispered, taking his hand off my face before putting it down by his side. Niall stood in the stream of the water, confusion clear on his face as he looked at me.

"What did you do?" His soft tone was all but gone now, his gaze turning from kindness to worry.

"I..." and suddenly I couldn't speak again. Tears came rushing out of my eyes as I stood there completely silent.

I couldn't say it.

Because if I said it out loud, the nightmare would become real.

I would lose Niall.

I would lose my family.

I would lose everything.

But I deserved it.

I f ucking deserved it for breaking the one rule I promised to never break again.

I was going to break Niall's heart.

Along with my own.

"Harry..." He tried again, his hands coming out to grab mine but I shook my head.

"I kissed Ashton." And that was the moment I had been waiting for. Niall's face falls in an instant, his hands dropping as he looks at me in disbelief. I watched as he went from hurt to anger and back to hurt in a matter of seconds.

He doesn't say anything.

He doesn't do anything.

And I just stand there.

Not knowing what to do.

He doesn't cry.

"Why?" His voice was shaky along with his hands. He folds them across his chest as he looks at me, his eyes bearing into the very center of me.

"Because I... I don't know Niall. I don't f ucking know why I did it. He kissed me and everything in my head just went blank. It was a mistake that I can't ever take back... and I'm so f ucking sorry. I know that means nothing because what I've done is completely un-unforgivable." I was barely holding it together at this point, I couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't look at him as he fell apart too.

"Harry... Look at me." I didn't.

"Harry... Please look at me." His voice was quiet again, almost reassuring. I still couldn't look at him.

"Why won't you look at me?"

"Harry... This isn't your fault." And then I looked at him, confusion clear on my face as I did.

"What... Of course it's my f ucking fault Niall."

"I've been pushing you away... I've been hard on you... I've hardly been a loving husband and I just.... if it's anyone's fault it's mine Harry... I've never been a good husband... and I'm sorry." Niall shook his head, sadness clear on his face but he was still refusing to cry.

"Don't you dare. Don't blame yourself for this. Dammit Niall this isn't your fault." I was starting to grow frustrated.

This wasn't his fault.

"How?! How is this not my fault Harry?!" He yelled suddenly, making me jump a little as I looked at him in surprise.

That didn't last long.

"Because I'm the f uck up! I'm the one who doesn't deserve to be happy Niall. I'm the one who f ucking makes you cry every f ucking chance I get. I'm exactly like my f ucking dad. I can't let myself me happy because I don't deserve it." And I let it all go. The words coming out before I have a chance to stop them. I fall down onto the tiled floor, putting my head in my hands as I sobbed.

Niall didn't say anything for a moment as he joined me on the ground, resting his head against my shoulder as I fell apart.

"We're both f uck ups Harry... Everyone in this world f ucks up... its just a matter of whether or not we learn from our mistakes... I love you... and seeing you like this hurts... but I know that there's nothing I can do to change it..." He whispers.

"You can stay..."

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I don't know. This chapter didn't really do what I wanted it to...

But that's okay lol.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR 5K FOLLOWERS THOUGH. TOTALLY FLIPPED WHEN I SAW THAT.

You guys are the best.

I promise to do a twitcam someday but I'm lame and don't have time lol.

I also don't like my face soooooo.

Anyways, Niall seems to be pretty calm about this.... do you think he's actually okay? Or is he being his normal self?

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Connie xx