Chapter 53
Everything's moving too fast. The incessant camera flashes, the gushing audience, the people with VIP tickets rushing to greet us and take pictures.
I try to catch Binna but even though we are a few feet away from each other, we might as well be an ocean's width apart.
Everyone's tugging and pulling at me. Smile here, pose over there. Meet this person, that person. Shake hands with this famous business man and that so called important person I don't recognise who has come specifically for me.
My cheeks are frozen, my smile so wide it doesn't feel like my muscles are working anymore. I'm in spasm mode, body on autopilot while my mind drifts to other places.
It's an odd feeling. I'm happy that I made it. The feeling of pushing through to the finish line and actually getting there is unlike anything I can describe. Camera, after camera is shoved in my face and I smile into each and every one of them.
I then see the QBS crew, immediately thinking of Hyeon, half expecting him to be lugging the equipment but he's no where to be seen. When I smile into the QBS camera, I know it will be seen all over Korea, maybe even overseas.
It makes me think of Hadong and my family who told me they will be watching the showcase at the council centre. Tears spring to my eyes as I remember the pictures my sister sent to me.
The entire city hall has been plastered with posters of support for me and a huge LED screen has been set up over the back wall to broadcast the live showcase. Tables of food and refreshments have been set along the walls, each dish handmade by the locals who have all gathered there tonight to support one of their own.
I can almost imagine how they would have watched the entire show tonight with their breaths held. I know because I was there once, watching with the rest of Hadong as Dalia made her debut.
I cheered with my family and hers and secretly hoped of pursuing my dream as an idol myself and now here I am.
I made it.
This should be the happiest day of my trainee life but it feels incomplete, a hollowness making my stomach queasy because it just doesn't add up. If anyone should have made it, it would have to be Binna.
She was clearly also a crowd favourite and management has loved her since day one. She was one of the first to be finalised in this showcase. It just doesn't make any sense.
I look at her again as she entertains a fan who is sympathising with her, looking like she wants to run away. Why doesn't she look devastated or shocked? Like her world just came crumbling down. It's almost as if she knew this was going to happen.
She turns to the row of executives and I notice Mr Wan staring at her, his expression smug. I've always despised him, he wears arrogance on his face like second skin.
They stare at each other and suddenly it clicks. Like a key finally fitting into the lock and suddenly I remember the one on one session they were supposed to have with each other. The one I'd warned Binna not to go to.
Memories come flitting back like pieces to a puzzle. I'd been so preoccupied with our trip to Linger with Hyeon that I'd completely forgotten about Binna's training session with Mr Wan. The reason why she didn't follow us on Saturday.
Someone congratulates me but I can't stop staring at their exchange.
Binna's face finally shifts from resigned to anger. She glares at Mr Wan, despite the dozens of eyes around us, the rows of cameras, she glares and he just smiles. He nods in a teasing way, showing her who's in power before turning around, dismissing her completely.
And then her shoulders slump.
"Congratulations friend," Loona drawls as she approaches me, earning a few excited screams from the VIP fans around us. "You made it."
"Thank you," I say awkwardly as we pose for the cameras, all smiles that don't reflect our true relationship at all. I wonder if she's the one who tried to kill me on Saturday.
"Welcome to the club. I'll make sure to induce you properly next time." Her teeth are so dazzlingly white as she grins more for the cameras than anything but her threat hangs in the air, stretching between us as she walks away.
I try not to think too much about it as Binna starts to leave. The crowd has thinned and I rush after her. My fingers dig into her arms and I pull her to the bathrooms at the back, the one used for stage crew.
I lock the doors after making sure we're alone and turn to her. "He did something to you. Mr Wan."
Binna sighs tiredly and tries to push past me but I hold my ground. "It's too late, " She says.
"What did he do?" I ask. Anger floods my veins, red dancing in my vision. What's happening to her isn't fair.
"Jina, we can't do anything about it. Just give it a rest. I'm tired and I want to go home."
I can't see her like this. It makes me want to punch Mr Wan in the balls till he can never walk again.
"Tell me before I demand the truth from him," I say this so seriously that she finally realises I might do just that.
"He groped me during our session. I didn't think he would go that far. Thought he would just flirt and I'd be fine but he touched me..." Binna trails off and there's tears in her eyes. "And then he tried to force himself on me and I panicked. I kneed him in the crotch and ran out and he told me my career was destroyed. I'd never be able to debut in any company with the influence he carried."
"He can't do that," I whisper but we both know he can. Mr Wan is a prominent music producer and he destroyed our senior's career like she was nothing. Now he's doing the same to Binna and I am so angry I feel like punching a hole through the door.
"You don't deserve this. He's an asshole and he can't do this," I repeat. I pace the bathroom, thinking of what I can do, feeling guilty beyond comprehension. I should have been with her. Instead of running around Loona and her friends, I should have been here with my best friend.
"I'm sorry," I finally say, suddenly out of breath.
"Come on. It's not your fault. You should be celebrating, Jina. One of us made it!" Binna hugs me weakly and she looks so genuinely happy for me that it breaks my heart.
"It can't end like this," I reply stubbornly and then I release her before marching out of the restrooms.
"Where are you going?" She calls after me but I'm already up the stairs, taking them two at a time as I head to the foyer.
Mr Yang is in the VIP lounge with the celebrities, execs and God knows who else. I don't care, all I know is that I have to fix this.
"I need to see Mr Yang," I tell the receptionist firmly and the alarm on her face makes me wonder if I look crazy.
"He's busy," She begins to say but I cut her off.
"It's urgent."
She scuttles inside like a rabbit and I swallow hard when Mr Yang walks outside.
"Ah, the star of the show." He pats me on the back awkwardly and I am so angry I can't even smile at the compliment.
"Mr Yang I need to talk to you in private, please. It will only be a minute."
He looks at me with worry and gestures to a plain white door next to the lounge. The space is so small, it looks like a security room and he sits down by the desk while waiting for me to speak. I know he hates waiting so I'm quick to get to the point.
"Mr Yang, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but Binna was guaranteed a debut. She's the best dancer amongst us and the only reason she got kicked out is because Mr Wan made a move on her and she retaliated."
It's honestly a mouthful and Mr Yang's face twists with discomfort. He pulls at his collar but I also notice that he doesn't look surprised. He seems to know exactly what I'm talking about which makes this whole situation even worse.
The lines on his forehead deepen as he frowns at me. "It's bold of you to assume that, Jina. Binna's an excellent trainee but she didn't make the cut. Simple as that."
"Mr Yang..." My head is suddenly throbbing and I can feel my resolve slipping from my body. "You know what I'm talking about. Please help her."
If anyone can do something, it's him.
He frowns slightly and is that remorse on his face? I really can't tell.
"Listen, Jina. You debuted. Congrats to you. Your friend didn't make it but that's normal. Some people succeed, some people don't. It's how the industry works. Now run along and get some rest. We're going into full swing once you girls are back from your break."
He stands up and heads for the door, already done with this conversation.
"This isn't fair. She was sexually assaulted and she's the one being punished for it?"
Mr Yang stiffens, one hand on the door as he turns to look at me, his face ghostly white. I've never been so direct with him and I can see how angry that has made him.
"The world isn't fair. Grow up and if I were you I would focus on myself. You may have debuted today and the fans may love you for now but all of that can change overnight. Watch yourself and your tone. I don't appreciate disrespect," His voice is knife edged as he leaves me alone in that tiny room.
I swallow hard and let out a scream of frustration. I feel like breaking every piece of furniture in this room. Instead, I walk outside and plaster a calm expression on my face.
There are still fans outside and I smile and wave at them, happy on the outside but boiling on the inside. Binna's probably headed home and I'll have to go back and pack up as well.
We've been given a week's break before starting our activities as a group, so I'll be heading back to Hadong. The thought of working alongside the terrible trio after this without Binna already leaves me with dread.
As I pack my stuff and head to the station to catch my bus, I think of how unfair the entire situation is.
Yes, I've made it. Yes, I'm now in a girl group set to start promoting next week but everything feels incomplete.
Binna's been cast aside, a pariah in the industry just because she stood her ground against Mr Wan. Dalia's dead for either having an affair with a married politician or because she's been hiding this incriminating ledger. Loona's some sort of fixer, introducing young trainees to perverts like those investors I met at the club that night. I wonder if Maria's also in on this, I wonder if all the execs and prominent figures acted like this.
I grew up believing this world was a fairytale. That the life of an idol consisted of all things bright and beautiful but the closer I get to the centre of it all, I realise just how dark everything here is.
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