Chapter 40

Dear Eun Young, 

You've always brought me so much joy and happiness. Your music, your concerts, your vlives, all of it feeds my soul like nothing else. 

I don't even think meeting you in person and having a real conversation could make me happier than watching you when you perform. 

Sometimes I wonder if this will be the extent of our relationship. You the creator and me the consumer. Sometimes I lie in bed and stare at the posters of you on my bedpost. There are so many, they're all starting to overlap. 

I've seen you in person, Eun Young. I've smelt the misty ocean scent of your perfume. We were so close that day in that supermarket, I could have reached out and touched your hand. 

But that is precisely what scares me the most. What if our relationship right now is the full extent of what we will ever be? What if watching you is the closest I'll ever get.

I'm scared, so scared that the day I finally reach out will be the day I ruin everything. Right now I'm your biggest fan, I buy all your merchandise and watch every piece of content you put out. I manage a few of your fan accounts and I've personally built a small family of like minded individuals who would buy anything you ever produced. 

And you love me for it. I've heard you say so during your concerts and all those intimate vlive sessions you hold before you sleep. You love your fans and I'm your biggest one so that must mean that you love me the most, right?

I could have sworn I saw you looking directly at me that day at the Seoul concert. It was the opening show to your world tour and I'll never forget how you looked right into my eyes when you mentioned how your fans get you through the day. How you can't imagine living without us. 

Without me. 

You love me because I support you but what if that changes once we finally get to know each other. I know and love everything about you but you don't know me. And the thought of this changing sometimes paralyses me with fear. 

A part of me is so satisfied with what we have. I don't want things to change even though I know how the industry works. I know that one day you will retire and I will stop seeing your face everywhere. 

With your talent, you'll probably end up writing lyrics for younger singers or become a judge or a talk show host. Or maybe even go into acting. 

And then eventually there will be news about you getting married to either some prominent businessman, another celebrity or something along those lines. This is the part of the future I can't handle happening. 

I want to break it all up like a puzzle and then fit myself into it right next to you. 

I'm scared, Eun Young. I'm terrified that one day you'll be gone and then I'll be all alone again with no one to keep me company when I need it the most. No one to sing away my sorrows and distract me from the life I hate so much. 

I saw something today. Something I'm not so happy about and I never thought you would make me feel anger like this. When it comes to you, I've only ever felt happiness, appreciation and love. 

But today I felt something poisonous brewing inside, a potent sadness that felt like lead in my blood but most of all betrayal. 

Usually shipping videos are all nonsense. Fans pair their favourite idols together and try to convince themselves that they are in a relationship. They combine snippets of interviews, award shows and live videos all at the right moments that are meant to convince the viewer that those two celebrities are having a secret relationship. 

Sometimes they prove to be true, most of the time they aren't and things just get weird between the celebrities because obviously they've heard about it. 

I personally dislike these kind of videos. First of all, I think it's not fair to destroy friendships by making things awkward between the group members. Secondly, it's perverse and I hate when fans act like they know everything about their idols including who they like. 

I try to steer away from news of videos like this but when it comes to you, obsessing is a very hard past time to give up. 

The problem with me is that I fixate, the need to find out the truth more important than breathing. 

The videos of you being shipped with your members are expected because you girls spend the most time with each other. But I've followed you around enough to know that you aren't all that close to them. 

At least not enough to be in a romantic relationship. 

Then there are those videos with that rapper Jungseok but there are more incriminating ones of him and Loona so it doesn't worry me too much either. 

Recently however, everyone keeps talking about you and that TBT member Taejon. All because of that viral moment at the YUA award show last week.

I saw the video of the both of you smiling at each other. I replayed it the entire night, watching from different angles, wondering if you were smiling at the tv screen or something else. I watched that damn video about a million times, till my eyes hurt but the image never changed. 

You smiled at him and he smiled at you. There was recognition. You two know each other and it was so incredibly risky for you to acknowledge him so publicly, knowing it would drive two of the biggest fandoms in Kpop crazy. 

The amount of people talking about this one incident almost broke the internet. 

TBT is the biggest boy group in the world, they appeared on Times magazine only last week. You belong to the most popular girl group in the world. You knew everyone would be watching you and yet you smiled anyway. 

So my question is why? Why did you do that Eun Young? 

And when did this so called 'friendship' begin? Because I've never seen any sign of it prior to that night.

And it didn't even stop there. Ever since then these shipping videos between you and Taejon have flourished like an internet borne disease. It's all I ever see on my news feed and new youtube videos pop up everyday. 

Even those fan fictions keep popping up, each one more sexual that the last. I swear the way these people write about you, about the things you do. It leaves me equal parts mad enough to murder someone and also incredibly horny at the thought of you doing things like that. 

But not with Taejon. My face and name always replaces his and you're there, a common fixture always loving me, touching me and caring for me. I swear it's a never ending downward spiral. 

I end up watching and reading each and everyone of them. The worst part is I can usually tell when people are trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill but this time it's different. 

There are those matching necklaces you two have and then the moonstone rings you both wear on your thumbs. You both wore the exact same t shirt to the air port on different dates and there are so many cryptic messages on your social media, it's starting to make my head hurt. 

I've never doubted you before. My trust for you has always ran the deepest. 

And yet now I can't help but wonder if you really are in a relationship with Taejon and it isn't fair Eun Young. 

You promised that your fans would always come first. You promised that you would never walk away from me so then why does this feel a lot like that. 

I feel sick. I feel betrayed. I feel so much anger that sometimes I just want to walk up to you and ask you why. 

Sometimes I get much darker thoughts but I don't want to scare you away by describing them. Maybe this is all just some media ploy. Maybe your companies want to drive some attention to your solo music. 

I don't know, Eun Young. All I know is that if you really are seeing him secretly then it means you lied to me. You gave me hope that one day we would have a chance to actually be together. 

When that American interviewer asked you if you would ever date a fan you just smiled coyly and remained silent. You could have said no but you let me believe I had a chance. You let me dream of that scenario till it was all I could think about.

You promised that your fans would always come first, that I would always come first and if you are a liar then the two of us are going to have a problem. 

And I don't deal with these kind of issues very well. 


Yours forever and always, 

Hyeon

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