"Mom told me you got into Firefly. Congrats Jina." Dalia's voice is muffled and it sounds like she is doing something else with the amount of noise in the background. 

"Thanks, Unni." My heart soared when my parents mentioned Dalia had called for me. I feel just as nervous talking to her as I did when I received the call from Firefly yesterday. 

Firefly is no where near PT when it comes to entertainment companies but still this is a big feat for me and Dalia calling through her busy schedule only solidifies this small success of mine. It makes the happiness I felt yesterday multiply ten fold. 

"Making Hadong proud, huh?" She teases. "Are they going to have a gathering before you leave for the city?"

When Dalia snuck out of our town and auditioned, it became a huge Hadong scandal. But then she got in and suddenly the scandal was forgotten. The town head even organised a celebratory dinner in the city hall for all to celebrate her debut as an idol.

"I'm not sure." I bite my fingernail unconsciously. My parents mentioned the town's head wanting to do something along those lines but I don't expect much. Dalia's achievements are so much greater, she deserved those celebrations.

"I'm sure they will. Another Hadong resident making them proud. Maybe I will drop by. I miss everyone, especially you shadow." 

I squirm at the nickname she hasn't used in years. I used to follow her around everywhere as a kid. After a while Dalia started calling me her shadow which as an eight year old I kind of liked. Now it just makes me sound creepy. 

"That would be nice. How is it going, Unni? You sound busy," I change the topic eager to know more about her exciting life. I hardly ever hear from her and I don't want to waste our precious seconds talking about a Hadong city hall dinner.

"I'm packing right now. Flying to Tokyo tomorrow."

"Wow," I sigh earning a laugh from the other end. 

"You will experience it too, Jina. Travelling is almost as much a part of being an idol as singing is." I hear a zip being pulled and then something being locked. 

"How are your group mates? Will you be travelling together?" I ask excitedly. I always love seeing  those vlogs of the Sweet Poison girls. There are all so funny and they argue about the most frivolous things, like sisters. 

There is a pause on the line and for a brief moment I wonder if she had ended the call. 

"No. It is a solo activity so I'll be travelling alone." 

It might just be my imagination but Dalia's voice sounds more distant and sombre now. 

"You know if you get too lonely you can always call me, Unni. I'll always be there," I suggest airily. I would love another call from her again. These random ones are too scarce. 

There's another long pause on the phone making me wonder if I said something wrong. 

"Everything okay?" I ask tentatively. 

A long sigh. I imagine Dalia running her hands through her thick dark hair like she usually does when frustrated. "I'm good. No, I'm better than good. I should be grateful, right? You've always been there for me. That's true. Sorry for being such an absent friend. I've been so busy with everything."

Another long pause and then the line crackles. "But yes I am lonely, I feel it more and more often these days. I can't tell what's real from what isn't. I think I need to come back for awhile."

I bite my bottom lip feeling worried for her. "Please do. Everyone here would be happy to see you." Especially me. 

"Yeah, I think I'll do that. See you soon, Jina!" 

The call ends with me excited in anticipation. But Dalia never visits. We have a celebratory city hall dinner before I leave for the city and I see her in the news, jet setting around the world for fashion shows and appearances. Sometimes with her group mates, but mostly alone. I don't hear from her for another year. 

***

It's funny how Hyeon and I were talking about outcasts the night before and now here I am feeling like an outsider in my very own trainee dorm. 

Binna gets ready in one of the other girls rooms this morning and when I go out to take a swig of orange juice, everyone ignores me, including Binna. Only Kim and Liza acknowledge my presence with subtle nods but they look too sleepy, they might just be nodding off to sleep. 

Binna on the other hand is engrossed in some conversation with JinJin, Rachel and Grace. She doesn't even look up at me in the kitchen. Honestly, it stings so much that I have my breakfast in my room alone. 

Here, I distract myself with news articles of the Sweet Poison girls to keep myself occupied instead. I stop on an article about Loona having a secret relationship with Jungseok, a relative bad boy in the industry. 

He's an infamous rapper who has been accused of drug smuggling before but was never acquitted. 

I mean he's definitely good looking and I can see the pull of his dangerous vibe with all those tattoos and piercings. He's one of those rare people who look extremely attractive with that eyebrow piercing and cascade of tattoos running from his neck down his back. 

But then there's starry eyed Loona with her clean persona and baby doll street style. It's such a weird combination but the more I dig through the more dirt I find. I really think these two might have been a thing. 

I stall when I find a photo of all the Sweet Poison girls, including Dalia in a grainy picture. They're all dressed down in baggy clothes and caps but I can definitely recognise Dalia's signature Prada bag. They are all standing around, outside a club and this guy is with them. 

Dalia's head is turned down and the ways the girls are huddled together, it just makes the whole thing look so illicit.

I zoom in on the picture, take a screen shot of the club name and then send it to Hyeon. Maybe this will come in handy later on. 

I hear a soft click and whip around to see Binna walk inside. She looks at me then at the computer screen, noticing my web search titled Sweet Poison scandals and shakes her head. 

She then walks up to our shared dresser and takes her things. 

"How are you going to Firefly?" I ask, hating this weird tension between us. 

"With the girls." 

Great, thanks Binna for the vague answer. Girls could mean anyone but it also means she isn't going to be travelling with me. I don't think we've ever gone to training without one another. 

"So this is it? You're going to stop talking to me now?" I ask in a voice that is on the verge of breaking. 

She stops and crosses her arms over her chest. "Are you going to tell me where you went yesterday?"

"I went to see my sister. I told you already," I reply quickly but she rolls her eyes. 

"Your sister is in Hadong and you always complain about never being able to visit and now suddenly you're meeting her almost every other week?"

I open my mouth to argue. To spew out some other lie that will try to assuage her but nothing comes to my mind. I'm exhausted and lying takes so much energy sometimes. 

"Look I know you're going through something." She gestures at the computer screen and I quickly minimise the tab feeling called out. "And maybe you're not ready to talk about it. Which is fine. But I just need a break from this." 

She puts her arms out, gesturing at me and then slings her bag over her shoulder. "Goodbye Jina." 

There is a finality in her voice that scares me. It leaves an unsettling prickly sort of sensation at the base of my neck and I can't stop thinking about it as I get ready to leave. 

For some reason my mind wanders to my conversation with Dalia all those years ago. About how lonely she admitted to feeling and for the millionth time I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her.

Is this empty feeling in my chest the kind of emotion she was talking about? Will I always feel this isolated? 

The seat next to me on the bus is glaringly empty this morning and when I reach headquarters, it feels almost abnormal walking in alone. 

My shoulders are slumped and my eyes are downcast. I don't realise Mr Oh is standing by the counters waiting for me. 

"Jina, come with me to the fifth floor." 

There's a piercing silence that follows that sentence because everyone knows the fifth floor belongs to the exec's and trainees are only called there to hear good or bad news. 

Judging by how last night ended. I'm guessing this is going to be bad. 

I follow Mr Oh up and he doesn't speak much all the way to the meeting rooms. Maybe he's having an equally shitty day, who knows?

The first time I stepped into this board room was when I'd signed my contract with my parents in front of Mr. Yang and a few other executives. 

Now I stand alone at the foot of the sleek black oblong table, it's surface so shiny and spotless, I can see the reflection of the lights above glaring back at me.

"Jina, I think you know why you're here." Mr Yang says crossly. 

He is seated at the head of the table, flanked by three executives on either side of him. Normally there are nine of them and I don't know why but the smaller group makes me feel slightly less intimidated. 

Only slightly. 

I nod, keeping my shoulders straight and head down, a posture Mr Yang deems respectful. 

"Can you explain why you went missing without telling anyone? You do understand the worry it caused your manager and team mates right?" 

I like the way he describes my group of trainees as a team. It's like we're a single unit working together when in reality girls are being sabotaged and isolated and bullied. 

"Yea, I'm sorry, Mr Yang. It was an emergency with my sister and I didn't have my phone because we're only allowed them on weekends. I had to rush and I didn't have time to tell anyone. It won't happen again I promise." 

I'm sticking with this 'sister' story till the day I die. I'm repeating it so much, it will become the truth I swear.

"It is quite a predicament you have brought up. Now that I think about it, it's quite dangerous for you girls to be wandering around without phones." Mr Yang leans forward, a contemplative look on his face. "Not that you should be wandering around at night." 

"They do have a curfew of 12am. Which they have been adhering to methodically," Mr Yeun, a young exec points out. 

He's now automatically become my favourite.

Mr Yang leans back and shrugs. "Well I can't believe I'm saying this but effective today I'm allowing phones on weekdays as well. Of course you girls know the drill, no SNS accounts, no pictures on social media. Just texting allowed, that too nothing incriminating. I hope this will help prevent issues like yesterday from happening again." 

I can't believe this is happening. This doesn't feel like a punishment. In fact it's like I'm being rewarded. 

When Mr Yang double nods, it means the meeting is over so I skip outside with Mr Oh glaring at me in annoyance. 

"He must really like you," He chides. "Looks like I'm going to have to give you girls back your phones." 

He leaves me by the lifts, walking back to his office to no doubt dig out our phones and by some divine intervention the lift doors open and I see Jiho in all his glory, staring at me. 

He looks tired but his face breaks into a heart rendering smile, a smile that leaches into his eyes and it makes my heart race, pulling me towards him.

The doors shut behind me and finally, after what felt like years, we are alone together.