I am trash because I promised to have this up quickly and I did not keep that promise. I'm sorry guys. Dx

---

It took almost a month, but Levi convinced me to go back to therapy. I can barely remember what he said to talk me into it, but one minute we were mildly arguing and the next, I was standing in front of Thomas's office door.

"I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see you again," the wrinkled man said with a disturbingly elated smile.

The session went as normal, aside from my showing him any new drawings. There weren't any; since Levi reappeared, I haven't so much as thought about my sketchbook. Thomas brushed it off, though, coming to his own conclusion that since I'd stopped showing up for over a month, I'd just lost interest in the 'art', too. And what could I do but let him believe it? It wasn't entirely too far from the truth, anyway...

"There's something different about you, Eren," the old man says to me several sessions after my return, a few weeks later. It's the second time I've let Levi stay in the room with me; he stands quietly near the door with his arms crossed. It takes a great deal of focus not to glance up at him every once in a while, and there isn't even a clock on the wall I can make an excuse of taking a peek at.

"What do you mean?" I ask blandly.

"You just seem...livelier, somehow. A bit happier. That's good." His eyes crinkle as he smiles. Crow's feet. I offer nothing more than a shrug. "Is there a particular reason why?"

I cross my arms and look down at the mahogany surface of his desk. I can't lie and say his talks help, or that the disgusting tea mixture is doing the trick because he'll see right through me. I can only settle for a simple word. "No."

"Have you started drawing again?" he asks.

"...No."

"Can I ask why?"

I grit my teeth to keep from rolling my eyes. "Because I don't want to anymore." And that isn't entirely true, either. Drawing was actually a nice way to kill my already meaningless time before I found Levi on the wall. But with him around again, I want to do nothing but spend that time with him instead.

"Oh? Why not? I thought you enjoyed it."

"I did, I just...I ran out of things to draw."

"Lack of inspiration, huh?" Thomas sits back, nodding and rubbing his palms together. "That's okay. It happens to all of us. I'd like to ask you to try again, though. Maybe you can come up with a reason you've been doing better so we can strengthen it and keep up with it."

Levi's already pretty damn strong, I think.

"Sure."

Another wrinkled smile, a few more questions, and he dismisses me. Levi quietly follows me from the office and only when we're out of the building do I search for his hand. As soon as they're clasped together, he lifts mine and presses my knuckles to his warm lips; I send him a small smile.

Smiling has been easier lately. It still feels awkward at times, still feels forced, and I can only ever send them Levi's way. It just proves wrong the theory I had awhile back - if Levi were back in my life, everything would be fine again; I could smile and laugh and speak to people normally, could function normally. But I suppose that theory was proven wrong, because my head is still sick, still delusional and on the verge of insanity and overflowing with painful memories on one side, numb on the other. But this is better than things have been in years.

"I'm proud of you," he tells me once we're far enough away from the buildings for anyone to be within earshot.

"For what?"

"Talking to him. You tell him more now."

"I...do?"

Levi nods. We keep away from any paths, avoiding where others might be as much as possible. "You used to sit there and stare at him or the floor the entire session like the damn bull you are."

I puff my cheeks a little and frown, about to deny it. When he perks a brow at me, though, I realize what he means and relax. He's always seemed to know me better than I do myself.

"You're such a little shit," he mutters, squeezing my hand.

"Hey," I say defensively.

The flicker of a grin crosses his features; he quickly glances around and, finding us to be mostly shielded by some trees with no one else around, tackles me to the ground and pins my arms above my head, straddling my waist. Before I know it, I'm grinning up at him and trying to fight back, but he's so much stronger, so inhumanly strong, and I haven't worked out in months so I lose any chance of besting him.

"Jerk," I mutter.

"If you'd work out more, you'd at least have a fighting chance," he remarks, clearly all too pleased with himself.

"Shut up," I mutter, trying to squirm from his grasp. He relaxes his grip and lowers his head. His smug expression suddenly softens, his eyes staring right into mine like he can see into my soul. My squirming stops and I force a swallow, suddenly a bit nervous. He leans in so close that I can feel his hair brushing my forehead.

"L-Levi?"

He doesn't seem to hear me; it's almost like he's lost in some daydream and it freaks me out. It's so unlike him...

"Hey..." I manage to pull an arm free and gently touch his cheek. "What's wrong?"

He snaps back, jerking up a little and sharply drawing in air through his nose. "Nothing."

We sit up. I move my arms around him; his wings shudder a bit as his fingers slide down my arms, eyes shifted away from mine.

"Something's wrong," I say.

"No. Not really."

"Don't lie to me."

"Hmph. Like you're one to talk."

"Tell me," I insist, ignoring that.

He sighs lightly. "I'm just thinking too much."

"About?"

"The fact that I'm dead." He's always too blunt. My flinch has him brushing a thumb along my jaw. "There's part of me that didn't fully come back, Eren," he murmurs. My stomach lurches. What? "I don't know what it is. And I keep having these flashes of memories of when I died. I can still feel that titan making lunch out of my legs...and being thrown against that tree. And I still see you and feel you holding me as my heart stopped."

I want to scream at him to stop. This is so unlike him, and though I know it's because he's different after that - of course he is - it still scares me. It's like he's suddenly fading away...

"It's just that every time it comes screaming back, so does the truth. That I'm not really here. I'm only here to you...because of you...for you. I'm not alive. I have a heartbeat, but it isn't mine. I don't need to sleep. I don't eat. There's no flow. It's just this."

I swallow again, forcibly. I don't want to know the answer - I don't even want to ask, but I have to.

"Do you...not want to be here anymore?"

He finally meets my eyes. He doesn't answer right away, but I don't really expect him to. His hands slide up to my head, his fingers gently tangling themselves in my hair to pull me closer. Our foreheads touch, our noses. I have to shut my eyes.

"No. I do."

"B-but?"

Levi answers with a harsh kiss that makes me soon forget what I'd asked.

* * *

We - or I - catch Armin as we're coming up to headquarters. Levi discreetly removes his hand from mine and fades into the shadows.

"Hey, Eren," Armin says, voice a bit edgy with suspicion.

"Hey," I reply.

"Where have you been?"

"Therapy."

"Oh." He smiles. "That's good. Did Mikasa finally talk you into going back?"

I laugh a little. "Yeah, guess she did." I'm desperate to turn the subject away from me. "So...where are you off to?"

"Just to pick up a few things for an experiment," he replies casually.

"Oh...okay. Well, have fun," I say with a small wave before turning to head back toward the door.

"Sure," he says. As I place a hand on the knob I can hear his footsteps crunching away when they suddenly stop and draw nearer again, a bit slower. "Hey, Eren?"

The door is halfway open. I could escape inside and pretend like I didn't hear him, but something has me turning around. "What's up?"

Armin looks conflicted, his shiny blue eyes just a bit narrower than normal. It's very nearly that analytical look he wears when trying to figure something out. And this time it's trained right at me.

"I'm just wondering...are you okay?"

"What do you mean?" I ask. I don't know why I'm so nervous. If he knew about Levi, he'd have said something, I know he would have. Aside from that, there's no way he could know, and even if he did, why would it make me nervous?

You're over thinking this...

"You've been disappearing quite a lot recently. I'm worried."

What explanation am I supposed to give that? Because the very reason is Levi, standing near a tree a dozen yards away with his arms crossed, peering at us from the shade. Out of reach. Out of perception in Armin's case. And I'm not good at lying, especially to my childhood friend.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I say, hoping to Maria he doesn't question why.

He nods. "Okay...I believe you. I just don't want you to go getting yourself hurt or something. I know you haven't been the most stable since..." He trails off, knowing I know what he's getting at.

I clench my jaw. "I'm fine," I say, trying not to automatically avert my eyes down to the ground - something I apparently tend to do when things get uncomfortable for me, so says Levi. Of course. "Thanks...for worrying, though." I manage a small smile.

Armin smiles back and I envy how easy it seems for him. "It's nothing. Hey...do you want to join me?"

"Uhm, no thanks," I say automatically. "I have a few things...I wanna get done." Horrible liar.

But Armin doesn't question my terrible excuse. Gee, Eren, what could you possibly have to do? You don't do anything anymore, anyway! He gives a nod and a soft farewell before turning to walk off again.

"You should've gone with him." Levi's at my side again, his wings extended just slightly and his arms uncrossed.

"Why?"

"He misses you, idiot. And you miss him. If you keep distancing yourself so much, you're going to lose him. You'll lose all of them."

I force a swallow and slip through the door. I don't bother to hold it for him, but he manages to get in before it swings shut.

He's right. It actually scares me how right he is. I don't want to think about what it means, though.

"Don't deny it, Eren," he says. The words are harsh - quite the opposite of his voice.

I don't know what to say, so I don't respond. Levi isn't just saying these things to be a pain in the ass, and as a result, I'm conflicted. Conflicted between humoring him - admitting he's right and trying to reverse the damage I'm causing to relationships with people who are still alive - and the constant storm that is my own mind, telling me it's okay to stay with him because it's what makes me happiest, to seclude myself from people because it's exhausting to dance around the truth to keep him a secret and pretend I'm fine.

I'm tense for the rest of the day. After watching me pace the empty hallway from the doorway of his room for ten minutes, Levi finally managed to coax me back outside and to the top of Wall Rose with my sketchbook. He sits silently to my right as I draw, sketching out random things across the page that have no meaning; it's nothing worthy of showing Thomas.

Eventually the pencil slips from my grasp and rolls down onto my legs. I see Levi turn his head to give me a quizzical look out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm sorry," I murmur without returning the gaze.

"For?"

I drag my nail down the spiral holding the book together. "Being such a damn nuisance to you."

"What the hell makes you think you're a nuisance?"

An unexpected sarcastic laugh sounds from my throat. "What makes you think I'm not?"

He's frowning, but he doesn't respond.

"You had to drag me all the way up here just to calm me down. You have to tell me things because I'm too lost in my own brain to realize them, or I just deny them. Hell, you're here because I was too selfish and weak to let go and now you're suffering, too." I have to swallow back my emotions; I'll be damned if I cry in front of him again. "That was never what I wanted."

When he moves closer and faces me, I finally look up. His eyes are narrow, brows pulled together to create a crease in his pale skin between them, his lips pressed together.

"And where'd you get the idea that I'm suffering?" he asks quietly.

"Isn't it obvious?" I mutter, trying to blink back my stupid tears of weakness. "Because of me."

And again he says nothing. I sigh and toss my sketchbook away, the pencil with it, and pull my knees up. A dark blanket of clouds is approaching from the southeast, a cool breeze pulling them in. It's going to rain soon; if we don't move, we'll be soaked. But I don't care. Let it soak me, let it give me a cold, let it drown me. I don't care anymore...

"I think you've got it backwards," Levi's suddenly saying. As I lift my head again to question him, his forehead comes down against my shoulder and I can't see his face. "I think you are suffering because of me."

"I-I'm not..."

"Tch. Right. Because that depression you fell in after I died and haven't gotten out of is just coincidence."

"I'm not depressed, Levi. I'm happy you're here. Which is really fucked up."

There's a long pause, and then, "So is this how it's gonna be, then? Both of us blaming ourselves for the pain of the other? Thinking that every damn little thing we feel is 'fucked up'?"

It's my turn to not have the words to respond with and the conversation ends there.

"You should spend some time with Armin," Levi tells me after a while of watching the dark clouds draw nearer and nearer.

"Huh?"

"When's the last time you spent some decent time with that kid?"

"I don't know. You sound like a parent."

He rolls his eyes. "Shut up, Jaeger. I'm serious. Stop wasting all your time on me."

"That again?" I groan.

"And you sound like a bratty child," he scolds.

"Shut up, Ackerman."

He pinches my thigh and I hiss in pain, swatting his hand away. "What was that for?!"

He ignores that. "Spend a day with Armin."

"Or what?"

"Do I seriously have to threaten you to get you to spend time with your best friend?"

I look away from him. "We...can hardly be considered best friends anymore..."

Levi taps my cheek to get me to look at him again. His brows are lifted, waiting for me to get it. And I do.

* * *

So I spend a day with Armin a few days later. At breakfast one morning I ask what his plans are, and he tells me he's planning to head into town to pick up food supplies and I offer to join him. He's clearly surprised by this, but he accepts my offer, so once we've cleaned everything up and gotten ready, we head out. Levi is nowhere in sight, but I know he's around. Watching. I can feel his eyes on us, and strangely it's more comforting than creepy.

The day is clear, a significant contrast to the past few rainy days we've had and it puts me in a decent mood as Armin and I saunter toward the market. We talk quite a lot and, to my own surprise, I'm actually fairly engaged in conversation, though I keep expecting him to ask why I'm so suddenly interested in joining him. Fortunately, he says nothing of the sort and I'm hoping it's simply because he doesn't want to push me away again - aside from Levi, Armin knows best about how fragile I've been (though not how much I resent myself for it).

It takes a few hours to pick up everything he's got written down to stock the kitchen with and cart them back to HQ to put it all away. Once done, I decide to humor Levi a little more by joining Armin in his and Hanji's office/creepy science experiment room. I don't pay much attention to what they're talking about, even as they try and dumb it down to easier terms so I can understand it. After another couple of hours of this (and still being absolutely clueless as to what they were talking about) I make an excuse and sneak out.

Levi doesn't reappear right away, and having been away from him so long has me feeling fidgety and tense. The first place I check is his room, but he's not there. Glad Erwin has been out for several days working with the Garrison Regiment and Hanji and Armin seemed too into their work to be stopping any time soon to catch me wandering around like a lunatic, I go on a hunt for him. All the rooms on the top floor, including the offices, the meeting rooms, dining hall, and kitchen are all void of anyone, and that leaves the basement.

Strangely enough, he's there, behind the bars of my cell, sitting cross-legged in the center of my bed with his eyes closed and his wings wrapped around himself. Swallowing, I approach the door and my mouth is just beginning to form his name when his eyes slide open.

"You okay?" I whisper.

He hums and beckons me over; I sink down onto the edge of the mattress next to him.

"How was your day?" he asks.

"Please," I mutter. "Like you weren't watching."

"Just tell me."

"It was...okay. Better than I thought it'd be." I turn to face him, sighing and leaning my head against his shoulder. I feel his warm, naked arms slide around me, a hand tangling itself in my hair the way he always does. "But talking to people is so exhausting..."

Levi merely hums again and suddenly he's gently pulling me down until we're laying across the entire bed, his wings spread out so wide the tips touch the walls as he lays on his back.

"Is...that comfortable?" I murmur, staring across the black mass of black feathers.

"It's fine," he mumbles, easing my head down onto his shoulder and taking one of my hands in his. My heart speeds up a little and I find the inside of my lip to be trapped between my teeth.

"Are you okay?" I ask him. No response. "Levi?"

"Mhm."

His thumb begins tenderly rubbing over the skin of my hand; it takes me a minute to realize he's tracing over my scars, gazing down at them with a look of pain plastered into his features. I have to force myself not to pull away from his touch. I never like looking at those scars or acknowledging they're there; it only brings forth the painful memories of where they came from. But with his skin lightly brushing over mine where they exist, it feels like they're burning and I can't ignore it.

All the memories rush blindingly fast to center stage.  

---

Idek about this chapter. I'm sorry...