Chapter 5

"How are you feeling?" Synestine asked. She sat next to me in the clinic's bed. Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa tono ng pananalita niya. I felt like she came here to see me because of how bad she felt about what her boyfriend did to me.

That was fucking stupid I must say.

Iniangat ko ang ulo ko at mabilis kong sinilip ang mukha niya. "Okay lang. . ." Tipid kong sagot at itinungo muli ang ulo ko. "I'm actually fine. . . You don't have to worry about me. Maybe you being here would make it more complicated."

"I don't care," matabang nitong sagot sa akin. "It's his fault to come at you like that. He's in the Dean's office now and I wish they would suspend him."

Naningkit ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. I felt like it wasn't right. She should be with her boyfriend rather than sitting with me inside the clinic. I wanted to push her away because it didn't sit right with me. Hindi ko siya magawang tingnan nang maayos. She knew how did we end up here, and that's because of what happened last night.

I don't even fully remember what happened last night—bullshit lang.

"I'm going to break up with him today." Mabilis na umangat ang ulo ko sa sinabi ni Synestine. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na sasabihin niya 'yon. I was expecting for something else, but not something that goes along that line. "Surprising ba? For me, hindi na. I've had enough, Pocholo. . . Kung alam mo lang. . ."

Isang malalim na buntonghininga naman ang pinakawalan nito. "Ah. . . I really don't know what to say, Sy. . . And I'm sorry about what happened—"

She smirked. "Don't worry about it. Don't mind it. Sila lang ang gumawa ng big deal."

"But they said we kissed," pagpapatuloy ko. "Wala talaga akong maalala. I was drunk. Kung hindi pa binanggit ng roommate ko 'yong nangyari, I wouldn't even have the slightest idea of it. I know it's my fault."

"Hm. . . No. Don't blame yourself," anito na para bang normal lang. Ito ako na sobrang nag-aalala, pero para sa kanya ay wala lang. "I. . . I shouldn't be saying this, but I was the one who kissed you last night. You didn't kiss me. It's not your fault. If there's someone who should blame for it, it would be me. . ."

Napakunot ang noo ko. Alam kong kung titingnan niya ako ay halos katanungan ang namumuo sa mukha ko ngayon.

"I don't understand. . ."

"For now, you won't, but maybe soon you will. . ." Pinatong nito sa ibabaw ng kamay ko ang kamay niya. If Tomas could see me right now, he would be laughing at my ass because of my face. "Let's talk again soon. Maybe later or tomorrow. I have to talk to Cameron first, and I would like you to get some rest for now."

"I think that would be great. . ." I replied.

"Alright, see you around, Mister de Amos."

I smiled as I watched her walk out of the clinic. I still couldn't believe it would end up like this. But I felt so bad about it. Para bang kasalanan ko kung bakit siya makikipag-break kay Cameron. I saw them happy together, and breaking up might cause gossip, especially since I was a part of why they separated.

I wish we hadn't gone to that party and gone home straight. I regret it now.

I spent a couple of hours in the clinic until the nurse finally cleared me to go. Wala na naman akong klase. Excuse na ako sa klase ko kanina na dapat papasukan ko. I wish they didn't have a quiz earlier or I will be damned.

Hinintay ko si Tomas na matapos sa klase niya, pero agad nitong binungad sa akin na may naririnig siyang usapan na break na daw sina Cameron at Synestine. Hindi ako kumibo. Hindi ako nagbigay ng komento. Alam kong gagawin iyon ni Synestine dahil siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin kanina, but I didn't know it would be that fast. Cameron would hate me so much. I just hope I won't end up dead in the streets tonight.

"Pre! Okay ka lang ba? Tulala ka masyado, e," pagpuna ni Tomas habang winawagayway ang kamay sa mukha ko.

I shook my head as if clearing my thoughts out of my mind. "Hindi, 'no. Tara na nga, uwi na tayo."

Kumunot ang noo ni Tomas. "Sure ka, ha? Hindi halata na wala lang 'yon, e. Teka, ano munang napag-usapan niyo ni Synestine kanina?"

"Wala naman. . . She was just sorry. . ."

"Hm. . ." aniya at may dahan-dahan pa itong pagtango na para bang kinikilanlan pa ako. "Hindi ako naniniwala. May pinag-usapan kayo kaya nakipag-break 'yan si Synestine kay—"

"Maybe it was just her decision, Tom," I cut him off. "We talked, but I didn't say anything about it."

Itinaas ni Tomas ang dalawa niyang kamay sa ere na para bang senyales niya sa pag-give up sa topic. "Okay, okay. Wala ka nang sinabi. Tatahimik na 'ko. Hindi ka talaga mabiro, e, no? Seryoso mo talaga, pre. Kuhang-kuha mo na 'yang Cum Laude."

"And what's wrong with that?" Hindi siya kumibo sa tanong ko. "Let's just go, Tom. . . Baka sugurin na naman ako ni Cameron."

Nagsimula na kaming maglakad palabas ng campus ni Tomas habang kinukwento nito sa akin ang narinig niya. Kwento nito na isinuspend daw si Cameron at ilan nitong kaibigan ng Dean's office dahil sa ginawa nitong pagsuntok sa akin kanina. His friends tolerated his actions that's why they got suspended as well.

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but here I am now, I have to deal with all the crap that I made. But my conscience was clear, I didn't kiss Synestine just because I was drunk. It wasn't my fault.

Falling in love is such a mess that's why I never see myself in one.

***

A few days passed, and I still heard a lot of things about Cameron and Synestine's break up. It was such a huge gossip around the campus that some of them were pointing out that I was the reason they ended. Alam kong madadamay at madadamay ako sa nangyari, pero labas na lamang sa kabilang tainga ang lahat ng naririnig ko.

"School break na next week. May travel ka bang pupuntahan, pre?" tanong ni Tomas sa akin.

Umiling naman ako. "My parents would be away. Pupunta sila sa probinsya, but I'd rather stay here. Pinag-iisipan ko rin na ako na lang din ang magbabantay sa shop habang wala sila. My school break is boring that's why no one wanted to get along with me."

"Ay, para namang sinabi mong ang boring ko rin, ha?" pangunguwestiyon pa nito. "Pero ayos lang ha! At least kung boring ka ay nandito naman ako."

"Aalis ba kayo?"

Maligalig na tumango si Tomas sa tanong ko. "Yup! Pupunta kami ng Dubai. Isang buwan ata kami ro'n. Alam mo naman na nakatira na ro'n si mama. Kulang na lang ay i-migrate niya kami, e. Gusto mo ba sumama?"

"Gago. Wala naman akong pera papuntang Dubai."

Tawa pa nito. "Next time, pre. Pagplanuhan natin 'yan. Sana lang 'wag ko makita ko si Cameron do'n dahil alam ko 'yong Tatay no'n may business sa Dubai, e."

"Sana pumunta siya ro'n tapos 'wag na bumalik."

Tawa pa ni Tomas. "Lupit no'n, 'no? Last year na niya next year so for sure uuwi pa 'yon. Tayo matagal-tagal pa ang lalakbayin natin. . . Sana all lang graduating na next year."

"Bakit balak mo rin ba mag-stay na sa Dubai?" tanong ko pa.

Tumango naman ito. "Iyon ang plano, e. Pagkatapos nito, kukunin na ako ni mama papuntang Dubai."

"E, pa'no naman si Anita?"

Napakamot siya sa ulo niya at napangiwi. "Hindi ko rin alam. . . Hindi nga ako kinakausap no'n. Ilang beses ko na rin sinusuyo, pero parang walang effect, e. Ayaw niya akong kausapin. Ayaw niya magpasundo. Kapag nakikita ko siya sa hallway, siya naman 'tong umiiwas sa akin."

"Parang no'ng nakaraan lang ay ang sweet-sweet niyo pa, ha?"

Napakibit balikat naman ito. "Hindi ko rin talaga alam. . . Susubukan ko ulit 'yon kausapin mamaya."

"Kailangan mo talagang kausapin kung ayaw mong hiwalayan niya."

"Hm. . . That's what I'm feeling now, pre. Lumalayo na siya mismo sa akin, e."

"Well, you need to do what you need to do, pre. Huwag mo nang patagalin pa kung hindi na naman nag-work. I knew Anita's nice and genuine, so you have to talk to her as well before it got worst. Ayaw mo naman sigurong may makitang umiiyak na babae dahil sa 'yo, 'no?"

"Syempre, pre! Ayoko no'n," ani Tomas. "Iba ka rin magsalita, 'no? Parang pa-advice na 'yang sinasabi mo." Tawa pa nito.

"Loko ka, Tom. Uwi na tayo."

Pagkalabas namin ng campus building ay napadaan kami sa parking loot kung saan nakita namin si Cameron na sumakay sa isang sasakyan kasama ang isang babae—ka-batch niya ito.

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Tomas dahil doon pa lang ay nakompirma namin na break na talaga sila ni Synestine. Hindi rin ako makapaniwala na ang bilis makahanap ni Cameron ng bagong ipapalit sa dati niyang girlfriend. Pinanood lang namin umalis ang sasakyan niya at saka kami tumuloy sa sasakyan ni Tomas.

"Grabe 'no? Ang bilis ni Cameron. Meron agad bagong girlfriend."

"Girlfriend na niyan 'yon si Trina?" taka kong tanong.

Tumango si Tomas. "Oo! Hindi mo ba alam? Parang no'ng nakaraan ko pa naririnig 'yong balitang 'yon, e. Akala ko alam mo na. . . Di bale, mas updated ka nga pala kapag tungkol kay Synestine."

"Ewan ko sa 'yo, Tom. Lagi mo na lang dinidikit si Synestine sa akin."

"E, pa'no hindi? Gusto mo 'yon, 'di ba? Alam ko, ilang beses mo nang nabanggit sa akin kung anong mangyayari kung ikaw ang boyfriend niya at hindi si Cameron. Ngayon, malaki na ang chance mo kaya 'wag ka nang magmabagal pa. Baka maunahan ka pa riyan. . . Alam mo namang marami talagang nagkakadanrapa riyan kay Synestine kaya nga gulat ako nang may ipinalit agad si Cameron, e. Iba talaga kapag gwapo."

"Gwapo naman tayo, a?" aniko.

Natawa naman ito. "Tama ka naman. Hindi nga lang tayo pinipili."

Napatango ako bilang pagsang-ayon sa sinabi niya. Maybe, being myself is the problem of why I wasn't able to fulfil this part of my life. Baka nga talaga may kulang sa akin or simple words, wala lang talagang may gusto sa akin. Hindi ata talaga ako kagusto-gusto.

One time I tried to go on and ask my female blockmate for her number, but I was straight-up rejected for it. Ang dahilan pa nito, may boyfriend daw siya, but later on, we just find out na wala naman pala. That was in my first year. Bago pa lamang ako sa campus at nakikisama pa sa mga kaibigan ko that time hangga't sa nagsilipat sila ng university after first semester. Kaming dalawa na lang ni Tomas ang naiwan.

But Tomas and I are good, we remained friends after our main group fell out.

Nagpahatid ako sa kanya hanggang sa coffee shop dahil may inutos si papa na i-check ko habang tumuloy namang umalis si Tomas para puntahan si Anita.

I was welcomed by the staff as soon as I checked the inventory that my father needed, I decided to stay and helped them in the shop. Wala naman akong gagawin pag-uwi ko sa dorm. I don't have to worry about some other stuff—still running to Latin honors pa rin naman ako.

I'm still in my second year, but I'm already tired as fuck and wishing this phase of my life ended sooner.

And then I saw someone walk inside the shop and the smile on her face grew.

I'll take back what I said. I'm loving this.