Chapter 28

I'm getting better.

That's what I told myself after a few months of meeting my therapist who was such as great help in my emotional and mental health. If it wasn't for my parents who suggested me in doing it, I might probably be dead by now as losing my wife made my life a whole mess. Some would think my progress was huge from where I started, but I believe there were still a lot of things I have to work on.

I kept crying at night, some of the nights, I think I wouldn't be able to get past that. I love my wife and no one can compare to her.

I decided to come out today and bring my son to the place where his mom and I fell in love the most. Hindi sa school. I think there was a more special place other than that.

Pumayag naman ang mga magulang ko na dalhin ko si Limer. For the past months, I've been doing my best to be a father to Limer. Kahit na marami pa rin akong pagkakamali, I knew I could make up for it and do better. Bago lang sa akin ang pag-aalalaga ng anak. Synestine and I promised to help each other take care of our son, but doing that alone was hard. I've got no job and I was only getting supported by my parents through their pensions. I promised them I would find work, but they told me to look after my son first and it will follow.

Ayoko rin namang maging pabigat sa kanila. Kahit papaano ay gumagawa pa rin ako ng paraan. Losing our coffee shop was heartbreaking for them. They had to sacrifice it for me and my son. I appreciate what they did for me and I thought when the time comes I've got back on my feet and have enough money, I will reopen our coffee shop. Seeing them happy was important for me knowing that they were getting older and life should be easy for them now.

"Hey, baby. . . Are you feeling sleepy?" I looked at my baby. 

He was sleeping in the stroller. It was hard for us to travel publicly since I had to carry him and the stroller together. Dad even told me I could use his car so it won't be a problem for us, but I declined. Since the day the accident happened, I never drive anymore. It would be unsafe for me and my baby if I would drive once again. It's been a long since.

And my driver's license was expired so that was a valid reason.

Good thing, Limer wasn't crying about our five-hour travel. I was worried he might burst out crying and I wouldn't be able to help myself because I don't know how to deal with a crying baby.

My therapist also helped me with that part and there would be a lot of things I still need to work on. I've also been thinking of attending some parental intimate workshops where I could learn from speakers and other parents who were going through the same situation as I am.

"Baby. . . We're now here at your mom's favorite place in the whole world. . ." sabi ko pa at kiniliti ang tiyan nito. He made little giggles which made me smile.

Pagkapasok namin sa sa lugar na napahugot na lamang ako nang malalim na hininga. I've avoided this place for so long. I thought I wouldn't ever come back to this place as I've thought this would only bring back memories to me and I don't want them all to suffocate me. I've been trying so hard to be okay and going to this place won't help, but when I told my therapist about it, she suggested that for me to overcome my fear, I have to visit this place once again.

I bravely accepted what she told me and I brought my son with me.

Sa bawat hakbang ay malalalim na paghinga rin ang ginagawa ko. I was trying to keep myself calm. Kung hindi ko susubukang kumalma ay baka sumabog ako sa halo-halong emosyong nararamdaman ko.

When I paid for the entrance fee, Limer was free, I knew where to go so their assistance won't be needed at this point. Dali-dali ko rin namang itinulak ang stroller sa pathway papunta sa viewdeck ng Butterfly Meadows. Pinipigilan ko namang maluha, pero nang unti-unti ko  itong matanaw ay hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko.

As soon as I got a hold of myself, I picked my son up from his stroller and showed him around where his mom and I got married and shared all the beautiful things. I'm sure he wouldn't understand it now and probably have no idea why I was crying looking at this crowdless field. But it was so peaceful and beautiful for me. I still imagine those times when Synestine and I went down the field and took those pictures together. I still have those pictures on my phone. I printed and framed some of them.

"Baby, did you know that Mommy painted this view?" I asked him, but he was only looking at me and giggling. "We still have that painting hanging in our house. I know you loved that painting. You kept looking at me and now we're here. . . This is the real view. . ."

"Mommy. . ." he muttered.

I chuckled. "Yes, mommy?"

"Mommy!" he marveled, pointing in one direction.

Napakunot naman ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. When I followed where he was pointing, I found nothing, but a second later, a black and blue butterfly came flying in our direction. Limer watched the butterfly go closer to us and he was trying to reach it as if something was making him reach for it.

"Mommy. . ." he once again muttered those words.

"Mommy?"

He nodded, clapping his hands. "Ba-bye, mommy!" he said, waving to the same butterfly that flew to us.

I smiled and thought it was probably Synestine. There was a belief that our loved ones who passed transformed into a butterflies. I wasn't sure if I would believe it, but now that I was able to witness one, I think I should believe it because I knew that even though she was gone, she would never leave us alone.

Saglit lang ay may tumawag ng atensyon ko. Nang makita ko kung sino iyon ay nakangiti ito nang lumapit sa akin. When she called my name, I realized who she was. She was someone who helped us made our wedding happened at this place. She was excited to see my son. She knew what happened to Synestine that's why she was sad and sorry for me.

She even told me kung sinabi ko lang daw nang mas maaga na paparating ako, hindi na raw sana ako nag-abala pang magbayad ng entrance fee. I thought it wouldn't be a problem for me. It was also a way to preserve this place for a long time.

Dinala naman niya sa loob ng coffee shop dahil medyo mainit-init pa sa labas. May binanggit pa ito sa akin na huwag akong mabibigla dahil may ipapakita raw siya sa akin. I was curious to find out what it was, pero pagkapasok ko pa lamang ng shop ay una kong napansin ang painting na nakasabit sa dingding. It was one of the paintings that my wife exclusively commissioned for them.

"Ang tagal na niyan, pero gandang-ganda pa rin ako sa gawa ni Synestine," aniya. "I was glad na we've got to keep one of her best artworks with us."

"Yeah, she would be so happy na nandito pa rin 'yan. Knowing that this place was special for her."

"That's why hindi talaga namin inalis 'yan," dagdag pa niya. "What do you want for a to eat or drink, Cholo? It's on the house."

"Ay, 'wag na kayo mag-abala, okay lang."

"No, it's okay. You don't have to worry about it. . . I understand what you've been through so I guess a cup of coffee and croissant would be good?"

"That sounds nice, Mela. Thank you so much."

"You're very much welcome. Have a seat and get yourself feel at home. . . Does your son have some cupcakes because we've got some special for today?"

"Yeah, I think he would love that."

"Of course, I'll be back."

When she grabbed those meals and drinks for us, I picked my baby up and had him sit on a high chair. He was so excited. Pagbalik ni Mela ay nagulat pa ako na may inabot itong maliit na canvas at mga painting tube. She told me that because of Synestine, sinubukan nilang magbigay ng free painting kit sa mga taong gusto mag-paint for fun.

Nang inabot niya ang pagkain namin at sabay naming kinain ng anak ko iyon. Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang pagluha ko. I tried laughing it off so no one would see me crying, but when we decided to go back outside, I sat on one of the benches while I put my baby on my lap, I felt a gush of wind brushed on my skin. I took a deep breath knowing that she never left us and would always be with us forever.