Zemira

Sunlight used to stream into Leo's apartment, illuminating the room like a place out of a fantasy movie. My alarm used to blare yet, I would be sound asleep to witness the morning hues in the sky.

Sunlight streamed into my present room too but those dark corners remained. My alarm rang now too but I was already up, watching the pale sky don gradations of orange hue before welcoming the sun.

The room in Leo's apartment wasn't mine but it felt like I belonged there.

This room was mine, but I felt like a stranger.

A week had passed since I arrived home. A week since my home felt like an unknown territory and its people; strangers.

Every bone, every nerve in my body was detoxing Leo but his hold remained strong. The love I had for him was smeared into the deepest of ravines of my heart. Love, it seemed, was a virus that fought back when I meddled with it while trying to forget about Leo.

One whole week yet, I sat brooding. Hogging onto my comforter like a shield, I was hesitant to fight back.

"Babes... Where are you?" Kiera's voice from the lower floors of the mansion had me worried. It was barely six in the morning and the sloth that she was tended to sleep till mid-morning.

Acting against my bodily command, I tossed away the covers and hopped off the bed. Thumping steps ascended. By the time a knock emerged through my door, I had brushed my teeth and detangled my hair, trying to hide the useless pile of mass and bones I had morphed into.

"Glad to see you're up," Kiera said, panting. "I came from a jog. It's so exhilarating, Zem. Jake forced me to but I'm glad he did."

Glistening with sweat, Kiera represented half the Miami population at this time of the day. She tossed her drenched towel over her left shoulder and gulped generous sips of Gatorade from her sipper.

I was jealous of her. I wanted her energy and enthusiasm. I wanted to be active - thumping and thriving like her - rather than be a tired, battered body that only consumed fattening food and slept throughout the day.

"Wanna join me from tomorrow?" She asked, smiling at me. "You need to get some sunlight, Zemmy."

As tempting as her offer was, I waved my hand and fell into the comfort of my bed, resting my back over the headboard. Though I wanted to escape from what I had become, I detested taking any effort. I wanted to move on but found myself compromising to live in the past.

My yearning to meet Leo emerged every morning. By noon, I fell into a hopeless pit of self-destructive thoughts, willing to beg for him to take me back. What followed were tearful nights, regret-filled mourning for loving him. 

The loop occurred daily without fail.

My will and strength were tied to an invisible twig that only wanted me to do one thing. Sleep.

"Girl, get out of bed. I'm getting major depressing vibes from you right now," Kiera said, standing up from the chair and lending her hand for support. "Come on... Let's go downstairs."

I knew I was sucking the positivity out of the room, turning it into an ominous ball that bounced around. Dark thoughts clouded the sunlight of happiness in my room and me.

But did I care? No.

All I wanted was to stay in my bed and sleep. Sleep was an alter ego, I was surrendering to. A new acquaintance, I started seeking comfort.

"This is too much now. You're not even looking at me." Kiera clapped her hands with a newfound enthusiasm. She rolled up the blinds and secured them in place, filling the room with warmth from the morning light and the view of the jogger's track. "Get the fuck up and walk around."

Shut it down.

Shut it all down.

Ignoring her adrenaline-kicked enthusiasm, I turned to the other side of the bed to face the wall. Drawing up a comforter over my body, I severed any temptation of getting out of my bed.

"Zem, can you please-"

"Would you please stop talking and fuck off. I don't want to entertain anyone right now."

I knew it was uncalled for. The guilt of yelling at Kiera pricked the back of my throat as I tried gulping down the ball of regret.

The other side of my mattress sank. Kiera didn't leave. As opposed to my plan, she stayed, rubbing my back.

"I know what you feel, baby. I know what you're going through." Kiera drew a deep breath. "Not the love part, not the part about losing someone but the part about not feeling like yourself."

Maybe my room did its job, after all. It got my adrenaline-pumped, chirpy friend to fall victim to the despair I carried.

"I'd always have to pretend to love Jake." Her voice wobbled. Her breaths paced up. "Trust me when I say, I even tried. So I know how not being yourself can harm the mind and body. You are suffering, Zem, but mostly at your own hands."

A rogue tear ran down the corner of my eye.

"You can rant all you want now," I murmured - a coward hiding behind my blanket. I was an inconsiderate bitch to her issue. "But when there was time, you should've fought harder than accept the life that was forced upon you. You shouldn't have married for your family."

Before I could slit her dry with words, another set of heavier footsteps creaked the stairs.

I closed my eyes shut.

I wasn't ready for another set of lectures. Not today.

I read somewhere that when agony took over the mind, one accepted the dissonance of life without any fight. A person would embrace the chaos, letting it swallow everything. That person would put down their sword, willing to be tormented by regret for all eternity.

I was that person.

Dad entered my room, whispering something to Kiera.

At one point, I wanted to scream at them for concocting plans to get me out of bed and for plotting against me. I wanted to cry and shove the door in their faces. However, I was also too tired to get up, talk or even think.

Like an addict, I outstretched my arm, ready to be injected with the lethal combination of hopelessness and heartache. When supplied with it, I saw in silence and watched days pass by.

After a long-drawn silence, I heard receding footsteps; light and quick. I clutched the side of my cover, shutting my ears closed in the hope that Dad would leave too. 

Then the mattress dipped under his weight.

"I don't want to talk," I said. "To anyone."

As a teen, harsh words were my tool. After mom's demise, I used to lash out at dad for silly reasons but later, like a satellite, I completed the circle and never looked back. I was a fool to forget the navigational path of a satellite.

What goes around comes around.

"I can't help it, kiddo. Talk is all I have," he said in his wobbly voice.

The whole world seemed to be carrying pitchforks to plunder the safety of my covers.

"Please, leave." My voice spiked, ready to gash him if he protested. "And close the blinds when you do."

"You are showing signs of depression, my child, and I cannot leave you like this."

"I'm not depressed," I roared, tossing off the covers and straightening. Tears stained my face and the stale air of the room hurt my chest. "I'm sad. I'm hurt, badly. I don't think I'd trust anyone else but no, I'm not depressed. I know what depression looks like. I know what happens to someone when they are depressed. I'm not."

To add more weight to my statement, I tossed something into the ground, feeling the heat radiate from my eyes.

How dare he concluded I was depressed?

How dare he diagnose me with what he once suffered?

I was sad.

My heart was cut out of my chest and stabbed till it could no longer feel. The man I love didn't love me back. I was molested by his brother, who thought I would spread my legs for him.

I was grieving.

I wanted Tag alive. He was snatched away. I wanted him back.

I was morose.

The universe always set upon me situations to fall and break. It took my mother away when I wanted her love and affection as a raging teenager.

I was done.

I didn't want to live anymore. I was a burden everyone endured. A life that dragged everyone else's life to a state of stagnancy.

I saw how Dad took time off from work to be with me. I saw the sudden spike in Kiera's visitations. I saw how the house staff fell silent every time I walked around, watching the ghost of a girl I had become.

Dad cleared his throat and patted my head. "My child, it'll be alright. I promise..."

I wanted to toss his hand away but I didn't. I endured his care, his warmth. I suffered through his affection.

I could hear the soft keypad taps on his phone.

I knew he was calling for help. I knew he was going against my will, seeking out people to take over.

He knew I could be saved. He knew my suffering would ease. He knew what to do to help.

In retrospect, Dad didn't spring into action quickly enough.

~

The darkness takes hold in the sneakiest form, unknown to the heart, unknown to the mind.

Please talk to someone if you're showing signs of depression. Don't keep it under wraps. Don't suffer alone and draw a smile across your face.

I'm a depression survivor.

So I know a thing or two about how it destroys the peace of mind. My DMs are always open if you want to talk. I'm sure, everyone else's is too.

Please don't think you're alone.

We are all here for you.

Take care <3