Zemira

It wasn't physical.

It was celestial.

Intangible and comforting.

Such was Tag's presence, a sensation of him being nearby and watching over me.

I blinked constantly to confirm if it was a dream. As I watched things through a smokescreen, the truth settled in.

"Are you thinking if I'm real?" The voice resembling Tag's asked.

With words scantily available for an experience I've never had before, I could only blink and nod at what felt like Tag's silhouette.

"Mira, just because you can't see me doesn't mean it's not real. I'm as real as you want me to be..."

I moved from the bed at a snail's pace. Part of me was scared that if I moved too fast or tried hard to focus on what I felt, his presence would disappear. I managed to crawl to the nearest chair, still hearing him. Still feeling his warmth swaddle me.

"Why are you here?" Walling my knees over my chest, I asked. My gut tangled into a knot, sinking deeper within. The hurt from his voice, his presence, festered.

"I'm here because of you." With his words, I slid my feet off the chair, letting it dangle. "I told you, I'll always look out for you. So here I am..."

Unlike all other times, I wasn't filled with tears but an ache so deep, it hurt my insides when I tried breathing. The silhouette appeared closer, warmer. It seemed to mirror my emotions - heartbroken.

"Why did you leave me, Tag?" I somehow managed to ask between bursts of gasps, keeping me alive, afloat. I tried rubbing off the heaviness from the rock placed over my chest, deepening its roots. It didn't help.

"I didn't leave you, Mira. I'm still with you. And I'll be there with you, always." The whispery air narrated what I wanted to hear. Always.

It was then, that the reality of Tag's absence hit me hard. With tears welling up, I leaned closer to the silhouette, looking for a semblance of him. 

My eyes couldn't see what my heart could feel. My body couldn't touch what my soul caressed.

"You left me alone. You promised you would return, Tag. But you didn't. You lied." 

Tag's voice didn't answer. He seemed to only smile at me with the same love and kindness I always saw in him.

"Mira, I didn't lie. As I said, I'm watching over you and I came when you needed me. I came when I knew, you were taking the wrong step."

"What wrong steps?" I asked, ready to fight the voice.

Grief had a strange way of making an appearance. Boiling rage replaced the melancholy surrounding me, melting down the dam of emotions. I wanted to toss things at him even though I knew it wouldn't harm him in any way.

The memory of his casket lowering into the ground, of his friends and family bidding him farewell, dredged up to sour my mouth. Reliving the day, I fell victim to a state of numbness that cemented me in place. Since I couldn't confront the man himself, his metaphysical state served as a medium.

Maybe I was driven mad. Or maybe, I was already dead to feel him again.

"You're holding yourself back, Mira." His voice was soft, emerging from the back of my head and braiding its arms around me, comforting me to embrace the reality of his statements. "You are caging your heart."

Vicious laughter emerged from my chest, rumbling out. "You want me to move on? Away from you?"

"No." His patient tone calmed the fire inside, nudging me to pay attention. After all, not every dead returned. "I want you to move on with me. Hold me in that special place of your heart which I know, you've always reserved for me. But the rest of it, Mira, it's still too big to love someone else. I know you're capable of loving again."

"I don't want to move on." 

Out came a loud protest, strummed by the corners of the house and tossed back at me. Unlike convincing Dad and Kiera, I couldn't convince Tag. He was my subconscious, merged in each cell of my existence. No amount of lies could blind him from knowing the truth. 

"I don't want to love anyone else, get it? Just because you can't return, don't throw charity at me."

My Tag was always a patient listener. More so when he was my conscience. 

I closed my eyes and leaned back into the chair, still rubbing the knot off my chest. My sides felt cold, my arms trailed goosebumps. My body struggled to cope with the reality of being alone by conjuring up Tag, his voice.

"You have me, Mira, for all eternity. But you also have a life of which I'm not a part anymore. It saddens me to know, I didn't love you enough to let you go when it was time."

Subsided ache rose. My parched throat tried answering but words refuted my attempt. The whole of my body wanted to lean into embrace the man I couldn't touch.

"It saddens me that after all this time, you still think of me as the one, unwilling to let anyone else come up."

Why was he trying to convince me? Why couldn't he use up that power to just stay with me forever?

"You still think love can only happen once?" The voice displayed the mirror of truth. I remained silent, closing shut my eyes to feel the presence near me. Near to my skin. "I appeared today because I knew what I had to do, Mira. I had to let you go."

If words had the power to blind or deafen someone, I would have suffered both. The thought of moving on wasn't as scary as the part about Tag letting me go. I clung to his memories like they were the only ones keeping me afloat when I was drowning in my sorrow. 

I straightened from my place, trotting into the hall. If this was a mirage, it would break. If a reverie, it would disappear.

Unlike the beginning where I carefully placed my steps to maintain his presence, I stomped ahead, wanting to shut down his voice. Tag wasn't talking rationally and I couldn't bear the thought of forgetting him.

"Mira, nobody is asking you to forget about me."

"Shut up, please." I muffed my ears and fell onto the couch in the hall, trying to ignore what remained of his existence.

"All I'm asking is for you to take a chance. Take the plunge. First step..."

"Go away. Please." Tears escaped. The dam of sorrows burst open. After a very long time, I bawled like a baby.

"All I'm asking, my love, is to let go of me from the pedestal position. Hold me in your heart but let someone else make you realize what you are, how lucky someone can be, to have you." He continued with his wordy torture. "Take a chance on it. Take a chance on my words, Mira."

I looked up when words subsided, silence engulfed the place and when Tag's voice ceased to echo in my ears. Running around the deserted hall, I checked every nook and corner like it wasn't a projection of my mind but a man in reality who left my side.

"Tag," I called out in my hoarse voice before crashing down, sliding over the cold marble floor with my warm aching body weeping alone.

There was nobody to give me solace but me. Rooted by suffering and hoisted by pain, I remained afloat in my surroundings yet drowned in my mind. 

The truth I ignored, of the vast ocean of life I had to waddle through before I met Tag at the horizon, revved up. I sank with the understanding of leading a lonely life, without him or anyone.

His words replayed in my ears, encouraging me to pull myself together, patting my shoulders for support. I stayed in hiding for long from the reflection of actuality, of Tag's demise. 

In my mind, he was still alive. Only today, I buried him. Only today, Tag helped me bury him.

After a long time, unwounded by the ache of Tag's memories, I felt free. The weight on my chest, and the under my feet shifted. I no longer drowned, no longer choked on something unknown.

I felt alive. I could breathe without hurting my insides. I could smile without tearing up.

Looking up at the ornate ceiling, I laughed. The love of my life fulfilled his promise to look out for me. He did what any man who loved someone would do. He came back to partake in my sorrow. He took away the grief he left me with.

I smiled, knowing even in his afterlife, I was cared for. Loved even. That was all I needed. That was enough for my sustenance.

My phone chimed up, breaking the moment of serenity.

Kiera's name flashed. Picking it up, I was ready to deliver the news of an unsuccessful surprise when she breathed so heavily, I could feel the heaviness of upcoming words.

"It's not what you think?" She said with labored breaths.

"Calm down, what happened?" I wiped my misty face and leaned on the marble counter. The cold slab against my forehead calmed the throbbing sensation at my temples.

"Leo didn't kiss Haley. I mean he didn't... he didn't intend to kiss her. Haley made the move and he pushed her back but by then-"

"How do you know all this?" I waited for her reply with my heartbeats pacing up.

"He told me. Leo told me everything. And I believe him, Zem. I believe him because-"

The door sprang open. 

Leo walked in. He dropped his bag on the couch and tossed his car keys beside but his gaze remained frozen on me. With every step he took, hung shoulders, hooded eyes, desperation dripped.

"I've to go," I said, ending the call to move out from behind the kitchen counter and face him completely.

Upon reaching closer, Leo's head stooped lower. His heaving chest and fisted palms narrated the untold story.

"It's not what you think, Zem. What you saw..." He panted, holding the sides of the marble counter.

His vision shifted from its downward focus. Etched on me, it rattled my sides, pleading me to listen. Wiping away the glistening sweat beads on his forehead, Leo leaned closer.

My ears pulsated my heartbeats, my hands slid into the back of his hair. His eyes followed my approach before facing me.

"I know the truth," I said, dipping my lips over his.

Without wasting a moment, Leo deepened our kiss, reenacting it with the same fervor as the first. The assiduity with which he viewed me, cupping my face before falling victim to my lips again had me burn on the inside.

It was a minute, it was a lifetime as we stood enfolded in each other. The babbling stream of euphoria invited me to jump, to toss away everything holding me back. Layers of inhibition shed like an exoskeleton as I took the plunge.

~

Moving on is always hard. Harder when the move is from someone very special.

Let me know in the comments if you ever had a love like that.

If you ever had trouble, moving on...