The human mind is as fragile as a little bird spiralling on wind. Our thinking is always influenced by things happening in the outside world. Intrusive thoughts can dominate our minds so badly that they turn into a devilish chain reaction of paranoid thinking.

Why can't we escape the delusion our thoughts give us? Why are we vulnerable to the point of getting under control of our thoughts? How can we handle the intrusiveness of the devil that invades our minds when times are rough?

As a human, I suffer, I think and I feel. You might ask why suffering is considered apart from feeling. Well, the story is simple. I suffer so badly that it goes beyond just feeling. Suffering made itself a separate category for a human like me.

While people don't suffer from intrusive thinking all they can say to us, pained ones; "Don't worry all will be alright, the thinking will pass, and you will be fine". My dear healthy person, nothing is going to be alright when the web of my thoughts circles death frequently.

Some might think that suicidal thoughts are only happening to people with depression. However, what they don't know is that thinking like this can happen to anyone who is fully hopeless about his place in this world.

Hopelessness and regret and words intertwined with each other and closed in one bond called - suicide.

Whenever I feel hopeless and I have regrets about my life choices, I start to have paranoid thinking that later turns into a chain of thoughts that lead me to end thoughts. However, as I didn't mention how it all starts. Thinking like that is a basic human motion that begins with simple emotion.

Anger is so frustrating it goes beyond mind capability. Rage consumes my thinking I start to see everything in red. Whatever anyone says to me, I snap back at the person saying I need to be alone. When my anger reaches the final zenith I start to feel symptoms of another emotion that brings a final ending.

Sadness, as it flies into my mind and it rages widely into my thoughts. Anger is the one that leaves to give space for sadness. Sadness relies on anger, as the power of anger gives just enough space for sadness to grow further. Sadness comes crashing down my head into a thousand pieces. Shattering whatever design my mind was set on, destroying every left piece of defence. Sadness brings us closer to suicidal thoughts. Thanks to it they feel welcomed there and want to stay only longer. As sadness develops it only grows worse with each passing thought it goes in circles around the tip of the word "death".

As humans, we might struggle to discuss the topic of "Death" as it might bring an uncomfortable atmosphere around the table. People who suffer from intrusive suicidal thinking are just interested in death-related things. They develop familiarity with death and its synonyms. Making sure they deeply know every part of this sacred thing they relate to.

Let me die. Can I die? Please can I die?

Words like this are a motto in my mind when I have suicidal thoughts. I repeat them in my head as much as I can because the hopelessness is so strong the only thing I have left to do is beg.

Intrusiveness brings ideas to the table. Those ideas begin with a thrill. What can I possibly do to proceed with my death? How can I disappear from a world I don't want to be anymore? Whether it is pills or bloody methods, it all ends the same. It puts a stop to my name and it's longed for by every person with suicidal thoughts.

Why do people have those thoughts? How do they even appear in the first place? Well, the answer is as broad as the human race. Every person has reasons of their own. Whether it's hate towards their lifestyle or past, it all leads to the same thinking. Some people's body trembles at the sight of their past. As they can't manage to move past it they simply drown in it. Recalling every painful memory they lived through. Suicide thinkers are addicted to pain. We love to cause pain to ourselves, whether it's physical or mental, it is all the same pain. As we bring pain to our body, soul and mind we tend to tremble deeply but for a brief moment of receiving pain, we stop thinking about our life. We simply are focused on pain rather than on our past or whatever bothered us before receiving pain.

We as a human race are cowards to a fault. We say we will do things and then we are just too scared to live up to them. The same is true with suicide. We are planning it, thinking about it even trying to attempt but it all ends in a failed task. Some people are just too cowardly to attempt killing themselves. It's a good thing for those whose suicidal thoughts come and go and are not constant. We can consider those cowards lucky. However, if someone is not a coward but is troubled enough to attempt suicide, then there is a life-threatening image produced.

All failed suicides are mostly not fully completed or stopped. We can think of a photograph of those situations. Trembling and resigned person lying in the bed with pills near him or in his mouth. He can't do it, at the end, something stops him in his tracks and brings him up from all the mess his thoughts have caused. The lucky one.

Another photo we can picture in our head is the successful suicide attempt. Imagine a person laying with their eyes wide open, lifeless body fully done with this world. A person whose life is already settled in his grave. Awaiting his wanted funeral that puts an official end to his name. Blankness in the sight of the mentioned human corpse.

As suicide thinkers and depressed people, we tend to forget about people who care about us and love us. We tend to put our death on a pedestal and focus only on it. Considering it as the only way to escape our problems and our life. We are cowards to deal with our emotions, we want an end and we want to get it done alone. We consider the help of others meaningless and not genuine. We see everything with dark motives. We cry ourselves to sleep with the thought of what have we become. I picture myself as a child when I think about my death. It brings me from my thoughts sometimes or perhaps deepens the state that I'm in. I picture myself as the happy kid I used to be. What harm I am causing to this kid? How is excessive thinking about suicide gonna bring this kid to be happy? Is this what young me wanted? For me to just give up? The family deeply loves us no matter the choices we make in our lives, no matter the failures we make, no matter how many times we disappoint them. They will always love us no matter what. They also show us the amount of care we need even though we don't realise it or accept it. In a given moment when thoughts happen, we focus on our pain. We focus on how damaged we are and how strongly we want to end it all. We move past our family we are self-centred when it comes to this. We think only that we can't handle it, not the fact of what would happen to our family when we would be finally gone.

When we think about death a lot of ideas can come to mind. We tend to realise our funeral can have many scenarios. If one is not having any social life then he imagines his funeral to be as sad as his death, with no people mourning his loss. Eventually thinking about our own ending ceremony can bring us to more excessive thinking about how worthless our life is. We imagine how the ceremony will look like and how people will be dressed, what people will be there and what they will say about this. Will they cry? Will they think it was a selfish act or a pure tragedy?

As we are self-centred when we think about ending our lives we also need to settle our tragic feelings on paper. Most of us, thinkers, wrote at least once a suicide letter to our families. We describe why we do it, we simply explain the situation with arguments we consider sensible. We write this letter to visualise what we are done with fully, what brought us to that moment, we were angry with, or whom or what might have caused us to want to end our lives.

Suicide as tragic as it gets is only a good way to go in our minds. It should never be considered an option just by looking at the fact we can get help anywhere. If we want to get help we will get it. However, most people who think deeply about suicide are blinded and never allow helping them. They think of themselves as failed causes and unnecessary life spans.

Depression and suicide should never be joked about, however, it become more frequent in the online world. People wishing death to each other and covering it under the "joke" word is simply as disgusting as doing the act. Humans should be more aware of what suicide thinking and the process of it is. And how damaging are jokes like that? People who make those jokes are what disgusts me in society. We end ourselves by our actions. We can bring the end of one person just by the use of our tongues. So if we are not careful enough, the next few days might be the last of the person we said "kill yourself" to.