To my greatest love,

It's been four years; your sister died, and she's now in the hands of our creator. She's free already; she isn't struggling from the pain she had to bear. Her final wish for me is to be with you. She wants me to be happy with you. Yet, I don't know where to find you. Every day I am praying to God that He will let us cross paths again. Every day, I went to the same place where it all started, waiting for you, but there were no traces of Damaris Fiore. Maybe it's time for me to continue living, but I won't stop finding you.

Araw-araw pa rin kitang babalikan doon at maghihintay sa'yo.

Love, by the way I already take the board exam and guess what. I am finally an engineer. Even if we didn't take the board exam together, or nor reach our dreams together. But nothing makes me happier than feeling that we have both reached our dreams that we thought were impossible. I also realized that even if I'll continue to be an engineer, I can still be a photographer. I am one of the topnotchers, love. All thanks and praise be to God, because I would not have reached this point without His help.

- Colin

***

First Day

It's her birthmonth but why do we need to experience this? Kailangan ba talaga naming magparaya para sa iba? Why this woman I love is so selfless, can she be selfish even just for once?

"Aris," I called her.

It's our first day here in Baguio and all we did was just pure gossiping. Talking about life.

"Hmm?"

"Ganda mo," sabi ko, narinig ko siyang mahinang natawa.

I didn't realize that her laughter will be my kind of serotonin.

"Alam ko." Tsaka siya tumayo at pinakiramdaman ang hangin at umikot ikot siya.

"This feels like, freedom. Thank you, Lord. You let me experience this. With you I am free, Lord," she mumbled.

How can I unloved this woman? Guess, I really can't.

She's too pure, too brave, selfless, independent and all. Too beautiful not to be admired and love. Naglakad siya pabalik sa loob at pagbalik niya dito sa labas ay dala-dala na niya ang mga libro niya.

"Ayan, magbasa tayo mamaya. Pero sa ngayon nag kwentuhan muna tayo." Tsaka niya inilapag ang mga librong dala niya at umupo sa tabi ko.

"Colin, may kwento ako," Sambit niya.

"I'm listening," I answered.

"Alam mo ba na napaka iyakin ko dati?" Natatawang saad niya, tumango ako sa sinabi niya.

"Halata naman, hanggang ngayon nga, e," sambit ko. Ngumuso siya sa aking pag sang-ayon. Kaya ngumisi ako at ginulo ang buhok niya. "Ganda mo talaga 'pag napipikon."

"Araw-araw naman akong maganda, and please stop ruining ny hair, Tongco," she retorted.

"Of course, you are," Pagsang-ayon ko. She stunned for a second, facts only. I look at her like she's the rarest gemstone that I had seen in my entire life. A beautiful creation of God.

"As I grow older, I learned not to cry easily. I learned to be brave but still afraid of speaking up, my confidence sucks you know. I rather want to have my own pace and be with the people I am closed with. I am not a social butterfly like others but observing my surroundings is my hobby. My elementary classmates bullied me because I am my father's products of infidelity. Pinapalabas ko sa kabilang tenga ko ang mga sinasabi nila. Hindi ko pinatulan ang mga sinabi nila, pero huwag nilang hintayin na maupos ako. Hindi niya iyon magugustuhan.

"Maybe that's why people kept on saying that nasa loob daw ang kulo ko. Syempre anak ni Josa 'to. My mom is always brave, she doesn't fear of speaking up. I really love her confidence, the way she slayed it. Ang namana ko kay papa ay pagiging tahimik but I can say that I am somewhat brave. Like my mom, haha. Pareho kong namana ang ugali nila. Ayos lang naman na binully ako ng mga ka klase ko dati but saying something to my mom. Hindi ko talaga mapapalampas yung gano'n. They don't want Angel Aris gone." She was smiling as she told me her childhood stories.

"Angel Aris, cute." I laugh slightly. Ang witty naman mag-isip nang naka isip nito.

"You knew Vera, right? The younger cousin of mine, siya naka isip niyan." Oh, that one. Iyong mukhang barbie doll sa kanilang apat. "Colin may tanong ako," tumango ako bilang tugon na pwede siyang magtanong. "What if you'll knew that I'm also struggling from a disease but too late you're already happy with her. Anong gagawin mo?" Parang huminto ang oras ko saglit sa tinanong niya. "What if lang 'yan, I just want to know what you will do."

Why it doesn't sound like what if to me, Aris?

"I'll hate you . . ." I immediately answered. Nakita ko ang pagdaan sa gulat ng mga mata niya. "I'll hate you for being too selfless, I'll hate you for saving someone, but you know in yourself that you are also struggling but I still love you because you are brave that even hating you is too impossible to happen." Bakit gano'n, Aris? Bakit ka gan'yan? Bakit handa kang gawin ang lahat para sa iba? "Don't be too selfless, love. Magtira ka rin ng para sa sarili mo."

"Noted, magtitira ako para sa sarili ko." Tsaka niya ako inakbayan.

We stayed there and read books together, hanggang sa kumagat ang dilim at naisipan naming bumalik na sa loob.

***

Second Day

Gabi na at nasa labas kaming dalawa ni Aris. We both make a bonfire. Nagluluto din kami, nag barbeque ako. Habang siya naman ay inaayos ang bonfire namin.

"Aris, tapos na!" Masayang sabi ko at naglakad papunta sa gawi niya. Habang dala ang niluluto kong barbeque. Her smiles are my remedy, why do we need to experience this kind of tragedy?

Agad siyang kumuha ng niluluto ko at kumain. Bakit hanggang sa pagkain ang ganda niya pa rin? Natapos niya ang kinakain niya at tumabi sa'kin.

"Alam mo Colin, nakikita ko na sa pagdaan ng panahon, na kahit hindi tayo magkasamang dalawa. Masaya pa rin tayo," biglaan niyang saad.

Really? Will we able to find happiness without in each other embrace? Para kasing ang imposible nang sinasabi niya. Na magiging masaya pa kami pagkatapos nito. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng sakit na nararanasan namin.

"How can you say so that we still find the happiness after this?" I asked her.

Tumingin siya sa'kin at makahulugang ngumiti.

"Dahil hindi niya tayo hahayaang malunod sa kalungkutan. Tutulungan niya tayong makaahon . . ." Makahulugang saad niya. "Colin, alam kong magiging masaya ka habang kasama siya. Kasi kayo iyong nauna, nauna niyong makilala ang isa't-isa. Nauna niyong minahal ang isa't-isa. Kaya alam ko . . . alam k-kong mahal niyo ang isa't-isa at magiging masaya kayo," she muttered, but her eyes . . . speaks pain and longing.

How can she be so sure that my first is my happiness?

"She may be my first girlfriend, Aris, but you'll always be my first and last love, Aris," I whispered.

Hindi ko gusto na pag-usapan namin ang ganitong mga pangyayari. Mga pangyayari sa aming bukas na hindi kasama ang isa't-isa. It pained me . . . it pained me and she's giving me plenty of reasons to fight for her, but maybe I don't have any hope. She already knew what she needed to do. She gave up on me, even though we have many chances to fight.

Hanggang ngayon nagtataka pa rin ako, bakit hindi niya kayang labanan ang tadhana? Gusto ko . . . gusto kong sarili naman namin bago iba. Gusto kong malaman ang dahilan niya. Bakit tila hindi sapat ang mga iyon. Ang mga sinabi niya na gagawin niya lang ito para sa kapatid niya. O siguro dahil umaasa ako . . . umaasa ako na sana may pag-asa pa. Kahit ang labo na. Kasi walang-wala na talaga at buo na ang desisyon niya.

"I don't want you to be chained yourself from me, I want you to be free. Never depend your happiness on me . . ." Saad niya at tumingin sa'kin ng masinsinan.

Bigla siyang tumayo at naglakad palayo, kaya sinundan ko siya ng tingin.

"Because I can't feel those always . . . I need to be constant with what I felt for me to live." Hindi ko narinig ang mga salitang huli niyang sinambit. Nakatalikod siya sa'kin kaya hindi ko makita ang mukha niya. Tila dinarama niya ang bawat ihip ng hangin ngayong gabi. Tumayo na rin ako at pinuntahan siya.

I hugged her from the back, and I heard her cry after.

I let her cry in my arms.

"I didn't know that sacrificing will be this painful . . ." She whispered but I heard. Bigla siyang tumingala sa'kin at ang liwanag ng buwan ang siyang nagsilbing ilaw para makita ko ang mukha niyang lumuluha. "If the world will forget me . . . please remember me."

On that moment I painfully hugged her. I don't want her to see me breakdown in her front but maybe I'm wrong, because everytime I am with her all the emotions I kept. She freed them.

Hinayaan ko siyang yakapin ako hanggang sa makatulog siya sa balikat ko.

"Ikaw'yong sakit na gusto kong na gusto kong mangyari sa'kin ng paulit-ulit." I whispered.