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Winter break was finally here.

At one point it felt like it would never come, but it could not have come at a better time. I needed time to think. To myself.

For obvious reasons that I don't feel the need to state at risk of making myself feel shitty.

Having a week away from everyone was what I needed. A week to sort through everything that had happened and get my thoughts straight.

And the best part was that my mom was home for the holidays. I felt like I hadn't seen her in years even if it had only been a few weeks. Still, even after all these years it was still tough when she was gone. At least when I was younger and she couldn't leave me alone I'd have dad, Gabe, or even my Dad's sister Aunt Brenna come stay with me. If it was summer she'd even take me with her, but those days had passed.

"Monty, what do you want for Christmas dinner? Turkey or ham?" she asked as she sat, chewing on the ned of her pen while putting together her grocery shopping list.

"You know I'm a sucker for your glazed ham, Mom." I said with a smile and she looked up at me with her own smile.

Her hair was up in a messy bun and she had on leggings with an over sized sweater. I loved seeing her all cozy and casual. I missed it when she was away.

"Is there anyone you wanted to invite over to join us? Sarah maybe? Or what was his name, that boy Harrison?"

At the mention of his name my heart hammered nervously. I still hadn't been able to tell her about Harry and I's break up. I hadn't even said his name since the night of the Snow Ball after Issac had dropped me off at home.

In fact, I hadn't spoken to anyone form school for the past two days.

Christmas Eve was tomorrow.

For some reason I didn't want to break the bubble of denial I'd formed for myself. If I talked about it, it hurt more. Then again I knew I couldn't ignore what happened forever. Perhaps, talking to my mom could help?

"Actually, Harry- Harrison and I broke up."

My mom let out a soft sigh and put down her notepad and pen on the coffee table, "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

The gentle, coaxing tone of her voice made a lump form in my throat. This is what I was afraid of happening.

I didn't want to cry anymore. It seemed like all I did was cry these days.

She must have seen the look on my face because she patted the cushion on the couch next to her. I got up out of the armchair I'd been curled up in and moved to sit by her.

"When did it happen?" She prompted.

"Two days ago, after the Snow Ball." My voice was already watery, and it broke at the end of the sentence.

She immediately took me into her arms and my first tear fell. One of her hands rubbed my back while the other played with my hair.

"Shh, it's okay." she whispered over and over and it felt good to have someone on my side no matter what the issue was. It was refreshing to feel like I could fully trust the person I was talking to.

"He was using me, Mom. I overheard him talking to his ex about how he had been trying to make her jealous by dating me. It was all lie. Everything he said and did."

I could tell she was listening as she squeezed me tighter, as though her hug could squeeze the heartache right out of me. I wish that was possible. I wish I was like Liana and could use people or have people manipulate me and be fine with it. She had no problem with Harrison had done, he had been trying to hurt her after all. I was just collateral damage. Did he ever stop to think about my feelings?

He asked me to sleep with him. He wanted me to go home with him and he had the audacity to get mad when I told him I didn't want to. He's try to make me look like the bad guy for not trusting him. Then not an hour later he'd shattered my trust into hundreds of little pieces.

God I felt like an idiot. I was humiliated by it all. Was that the biggest wound I felt? To my own pride?

I think it was. After I had a few days to call down I'd realized that while yes I did care for Harrison I may have been feeling off with him for a while. Something has felt disconnected inside me for some time. I'd never truly felt like I could be myself around him. Feeling like you're true self isn't good enough for the person you're dating is never the making of a healthy relationship.

I was idiot for trusting Harrison but I was an idiot for not trusting myself too. I'd been so wrapped up in the impossibility of it that I never stopped to ask myself if I was truly happy with the way things were going.

"If that's true, Monty, then he doesn't deserve you. He couldn't see what was right in front of him. My beautiful, kindhearted daughter."

"It just, it just hurts so bad. I feel like such a blind fool, Mom."

"You're not a blind fool, honey. No one is a fool for not seeing the plot twist in a movie. You were in love. And the first love is always the one that hurts the most."

"It's just, every kiss and touch was... it feels so cheap." I whispered and my chest ached harder as I voiced my pains out loud.

"Listen to me. Did you like him? Did you like his kiss and his embrace?"

"Well I-"

"No, in the moment did you? Did it mean something to you?"

I paused.

"Yes." I muttered.

Didn't that make it worse though?

"Then it wasn't cheap honey. It was real to you and if I'm right, which I usually am because I was young once and I'm a mom, that boy couldn't have been faking everything. That would be a lot of work."

I suppose that was true. I don't think I could have kept up dating someone I had no feelings or attractions to for so long. And what about all the times we were along, with no one watching. What about our dates?

Harrison had even opened up to me at some points. About his family and brother for sure. Even I hadn't opened up about my own family's issues has much as he had to me.

It just didn't make sense.

My mom's voice pulled me back to the present, "It seems to me like this is a very complicated situation. Maybe you should talk to him."

Talk to him? He had said he wanted to explain things. I couldn't bare to be there for a mother moment that night and I certainly hadn't wanted to hear anything he had to say.

But, maybe. Maybe I should hear what Harrison had to say. I couldn't imagine I'd leave feeling shittier than I already did.

"Either way it seems like you're gonna need closure, Mon. You can't end things like this. It'll eat you up inside."

That I couldn't argue with. Not even internally. I would reply every moment, every kiss, every comment, and slight of hand till it killed me. I'd hash out the last two months painstakingly slowly trying to find times I could have caught Harrison in a lie. If there was a way I could have avoided all this.

And then there was the question of why?

Not why he'd done it. I knew it was to get back at Liana for cheating on him.

But why me?

I'd always thought he started talking to me so suddenly. I'd accounted it to the changes I'd made in my physical appearance after watching the research driven YouTube videos.

Still.

What had made him choose me to be the collateral damage in his quest for revenge. Surely there were any number of girls who would have been willing to be Harrison Cole's arm candy for a few weeks. 

Ugh. 

Moms are aways right. 

"But what would I say to him?"

She reached for the box of tissues on the table and handed me one, "You wouldn't need to say anything, he's the one who has the explaining to do. You don't owe him anything." 

I hadn't even realized that I was crying that hard, but the tears were flowing freely now. 

It wouldn't be hard to get in touch with him. Harrison had called me all yesterday and I texted me asking to talk, but I hadn't answered any of it. I'd even silenced his contact all together for now. I was glad he'd taken a backseat today though and was leaving me alone. 

I needed time to cool down. Clear my head. 

But I was afraid of talking to him. 

What if what he said made me feel worse? What if it didn't make me feel better?

It seemed like there was so much that could go wrong and not so much that could ever go right and I was afraid of getting hurt more than I already was. Besides, he didn't deserve the opportunity to defend himself did he? After the time he'd ditched right before kissing me I'd wanted to hear what he'd had to say for himself. I'd wanted him to be the good guy who had made a mistake but now. Now it was easier to see him as the one who broke my heart. 

If I listened to what he had to say it could complicate things in my head and heart. I didn't want to second guess anything. 

And then. 

Then there was the other thing. 

The thing that no one knew but me. Something that I had barely been able to admit to myself. 

That I wasn't innocent in all this. My mom said I didn't owe him anything and didn't have to say anything to him, but she was wrong. Because I did. I had done wrong by Harrison as well. I had dated him while I was fighting off feelings for someone else. I had hid so much from him. I'd never once mentioned Issac to him. Not even that we were friends. 

I'd blinded sided both boys. 

I'd tried to have my cake and eat it too... even though that was stupid saying because if you have cake, why wouldn't you eat it? I mean it's your cake, you wouldn't just put in the fridge and let it rot... okay never mind. 

The point is I wasn't the only one being played. And I was ashamed to admit that. If I spoke to Harrison I knew I'd have to be honest with him too and I would have to stop being the damsel in distress, put on my chainmail and armour and act like a big girl. 

Facing Harrison meant facing myself and I didn't know if I was strong enough for that. 

"I don't know if I can do it." I mumbled, burying my face into my hands and shaking my head.  

"You can do it. I know you can, you don't have to do it now. Or tomorrow, or the next day. But when you're ready text that boy and tell him you want to talk. I promise you, whatever happens you'll feel better." She paused and slowly began to smile, "For now though, lets go food shopping and get ready for Christmas dinner. Gabe is gonna come over and decorate the tree with us. It'll be great."

I nodded my head and forced a smile for her. 

My mom was right. 

About many things. 

I was going to enjoy Christmas with my family. No distractions or drama besides when my dad called to wish me a Merry Christmas and then asked me how my classes were going and then Mom would say if he cared he should ask more often. 

Once all that Holiday cheer was over. Then. Then I'd call Harrison and ask to talk. 

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A/N- This chapter was a little tough to write since it's kind of a downer and bridge to the next few chapters. It's an important character development chapter for Monty though as she struggles to let go of her old self and start to embrace who she is becoming!

Also we got to see a little bit of family time for the first time since the start of the book lmao, which although some people might find boring is important to include (I believe). 

I'm pretty proud of Monty's changes though. What about you guys? What do you think of Monty from the beginning of the story to now?

~ElaRose