"Stop that." Lilytail's voice cut through the buzzing fog that seemed to fill Webpaw's brain constantly nowadays.

His mouth parted to ask what he was meant to stop before he glanced down blankly at the laurel leaves he'd been sorting in with burnet.

"Oh. Sorry." The black tom flicked the stray leaves out neatly with a paw.

The dark furred she-cat nodded. Her gaze flicked over him suspiciously, as if studying his movements and considering asking questions before she moved on.

"Quiz time."

"My favourite." Webpaw grumbled, but he still brightened slightly at the chance to test his knowledge. He shook his head slightly, the swirling brain fog of exhaustion and guilt thinning somewhat.

"Catmint."

He huffed out a humourless laugh. "Greencough cure. Normally grown in or around Twolegplaces." The soft-furred apprentice pawed a few soft leaves out of his growing pile of unsorted herbs- each member of the medicine den had their own section of herbs.

Lilytail's were all sorted neatly into little bundles, tied with grass and wrapped in leaves and slotted into neat little hidey holes dug into the back of the den. Every now and then, he'd notice her almost obsessively wrapping them up, even going as far as to unbundle colourful flowers, spreading them out in a neat row before sorting and bundling them once again. He was pretty sure it was some sort of coping mechanism, especially noticing how her bundling got messier when she was stressed, but he'd chosen not to comment.

Melodicpaw's arrangement was less graceful. There were a few older bundles where the youngest of the three had attempted to mimic Lilytail and given up halfway through, half of the grass stem poking up frayed and untied. A few bundles were damn near perfect- Webpaw had noticed his denmate seemed to perform best when he was occupied. His ginger flecked paws moved almost on autopilot like he'd been doing it for years, sorting herbs and gathering cobwebs and picking dried leaves out of fresh ones while he stared blankly into space thinking about something or other. Most of the bundles had been left in a frustrated or distracted half attempt.

Webpaw liked to think he was more on the Lilytail end of the scale than the Melodicpaw end. Most of the time, they were neat and orderly, with the occasional rip in bundles where his claw had snagged them or he'd bitten too hard. They were normally stacked in increasingly wobbly piles that somehow held up.

Since Cardinalkit and Smokekit had died, his herbs had been sitting in a mass of an unsorted, mixed pile that seemed to grow bigger and messier and harder to tackle every day, so he'd stopped trying.

Lilytail's half concerned, half annoyed voice once again snapped him out of the fog clouding his gaze.

"Webpaw! I said bindweed." Worry and irritation flickered in her gaze as he mumbled an apology.

The black tom shook his head again, fighting off the looming fog. "Uh- bind...weed. Bindweed." His gaze flicked to the messy pile next to him. "Uh- when it's combined with sticks, it's sturdy enough to hold broken limbs in place, letting them heal well. Or broken anything really." Webpaw remembered being a curious kit bouncing around the medicine den in the aftermath of the flood he hadn't seen, pestering an amused Snarlingsnap- then Snarlingpaw- and wondering what the thick tendrils dappled with blue flowers wrapped around their back were.

She nodded. "Blackberry leaves?"

That one was easy. "Bee stings. Mixed into a poultice." Cricketpaw- then just a curious kit- had come wailing into the nursery while Webpaw was doing a checkup on Harmonyleaf, blubbering about just wanting to see a bee up close. She'd complained loudly about the yucky feel of the poultice as Webpaw had applied it while Melodicpaw giggled close behind.

Lilytail grabbed a long stem with fuzzy green balls.

"Catchweed?" Webpaw tilted his head. "To stop poultices from being scratched off without hurting." Sadiesong had consistently scratched at both the poultice on her wounds after the rogue battle and the catchweed wrapped over them afterwards, complaining and comparing them to 'the vet cone my owners used t' put on me after a trip to the vet'.

"Good. What about-" Lilytail paused at the sound of crumbling leaves. She glanced over her shoulder in time to see Honeykit trip and crash into her neatly sorted bundles of tansy. "Honeykit!"

"Sorry!" The round eyed kit sheepishly scrambled to his paws. "I wanted to get more help for my mama. She's sad again." The two elder cats exchanged a glance.

"We'll... we'll see what we can do, sweetheart." Lilytail's voice softened, unease flickering across her expression. "Go back to playing with the others." Her gaze flicked out of the den, where Patchkit and Sunkit were closely watching Snarlingsnap race around with Ashkit clinging squealing to their back while Snailkit stalked a disgruntled Embereye's tail. Willowkit watched from her spot next to Wingwater nearby, her paws tucked under her chest.

Honeykit nodded solemnly before zooming out of the den towards Snarlingsnap with a cheer of 'I want a badger ride! I want a badger ride!'

Webpaw's mentor sighed. Webpaw frowned.

"You know we can't keep giving Harmonyleaf poppy seeds and goatweed forever." He said quietly.

"I know that. It just- I don't like seeing cats grieving." Lilytail muttered. "StarClan may be knowledgeable but they feel unfair sometimes."

His gaze flicked to Wingwater, who watched while Whisperingspirit trotted out to come and sit next to her kits, something akin to longing in his gaze, perhaps imagining what his kits with Willowbird would have looked like. Not too far away, Duckfloat- who was doing much better but still had quiet moments- was staring into space as Shellpaw practised fighting moves next to him with Newtpaw. Speckledstar was curled up in the sun with Sadiesong, talking to her quietly as they shared tongues.

"I know a few cats who might agree with you." He said quietly. Then he huffed out a sigh, muttering in what he hoped was an inaudible level. Wrong!

Lilytail's head snapped towards him. "What was that?"

"Nothing?"

"Web."

"I just-" His paws scuffed the ground, crushing a dried up leaf he couldn't identify as the fog circled his vision again. "I don't know. I feel like this is my fault. I could've been more helpful. I could've-" His voice cracked slightly. "I should have saved the kits. Cloverkit. Cardinalkit. Smokekit. They didn't- it's my fault the two mothers in the nursery right now are grieving ones."

"Don't you dare." He glanced up from where he'd been studying the suddenly interesting ground. Sympathy, anger and misery warred in the deep green pools of Lilytail's eyes. "Don't you dare blame yourself for that. You did everything you could. I did everything I could. You're an apprentice. None of that was your fault. It was just- StarClan." She gritted her teeth, sighing.

"Trust me, kid. Blaming yourself gets you nowhere. It doesn't bring them back. It doesn't undo them dying. It doesn't make you miss him any less." Him? His mentor's expression shifted. "Doesn't make you miss them any less. That's something you need to keep in mind if you want to be a medicine cat, Webbers. You can't blame yourself."

The black tom let out a sceptical hum and her gaze narrowed. "I'm serious, Webpaw." There was an intensity in her gaze he hadn't seen before. It was odd to see a normally friendly cat so on edge. "You can't go your whole life blaming yourself. It'll eat you up inside. Especially when you go to StarClan to look for them and they won't show themself and when you ask any other cat they say they can't tell you and give you some nonsense about two places at once and 'only when the kid is sleeping' and 'you'll see him eventually' and what in the name of the stars is that supposed to mean?" Lilytail's voice had risen to a cracking yell, her chest heaving. Clearly this was something much more personal than just 'if a cat dies under your watch don't beat yourself up about it'.

She stared at him for a moment before mumbling something about sorting herbs and storming out of the den, knocking half wrapped bundles over and scattering their contents across the floor. Webpaw blinked. Was that about Firesong again?

He'd seen his mentor get upset or guilty or even angry about how Firesong for some reason refused to see her in her visits to StarClan, but this was a whole other level.

Melodicpaw slunk into the den a few moments later. "Um. Everything-" He skidded to a halt as he spotted the leaves decorating the floor. "Okay? I just saw Lilytail head into the nursery looking like she's just been set on fire."

Webpaw shuffled awkwardly as Melodicpaw swept the now messy herbs into a messier pile (though not one quite as messy as Webpaw's own). "I, um- I don't know? We were talking about Harmonyleaf and I mentioned how I- kind of felt like it was my fault the kits died and she got like- upset? And started talking about how I shouldn't blame myself for every cat who dies. And she rambled about not seeing them in StarClan."

His denmate nodded. "Yeah, that- checks out. I have seen you practising with herbs a lot more." There had been a handful of times where Melodicpaw had walked in on the black tom quietly picking out herbs from his ever growing pile, muttering their names and purposes to himself and getting annoyed at himself if he realised moments later he'd been wrong. "Uh- I don't know. I find when Lilytail's that worked up, it's best to leave her be."

Melodicpaw glanced over his shoulder, out of the den, where Whisperingspirit and Wingwater were corralling the complaining kits back into the nursery while Snarlingsnap chuckled and Embereye bitterly nursed his tail, now covered in pinprick Snailkit bites. The sun was sinking below the outline of the camp walls.

"Maybe you should sleep on it. I'm pretty tired myself actually." The fading sunlight highlighted the rusty orange undertones on the edges of his denmate's fur.

Webpaw frowned uneasily. "What if she's still angry in the morning?"

"Well, she isn't angry at you. Besides, maybe you'll wake up with an idea on how to comfort her." He said with a yawn, sitting down in his own nest. His fur was littered with leaves and he started grooming his pelt, picking the leaf scraps out.

"I guess." The black tom collapsed in his own nest, sinking into the mossy bedding that he hadn't replaced for a few weeks. As he slipped into unconsciousness, the fog seemed thicker than ever.

His eyes soon flicked open. Instead of being in the medicine cat den, Melodicpaw snoring as per beside him, he was in a lush green forest. Moss crawled up the trees, bugs chirping and buzzing in thick undergrowth. Mice skittered across his path, birds soaring overhead. It was a lot warmer than MossyClan current leaf-fall climate so Webpaw took a moment to just sit, letting sunlight sink into his pelt. The fog was near nonexistent.

An amused purr rumbled behind him. "You must be Webpaw. I've been watching your progress closely." He damn near jumped out of his skin, spinning around.

A long-furred golden tom was watching him from the shade of a tree. His green-blue eyes glittered with curiosity, one of his white ears twitching as his lighter paws scuffed the dirty slightly. Stars danced around him, his paw lazily batting at one of them as Webpaw gawked.

"You're- you're a StarClan cat." His bewilderment was replaced with excitement. Was this his first vision? "You're a StarClan cat! Oh, stars, this is- incredible, hi, um- my name's Webpaw! But you. Know that already."

The tom chuckled. "Yes. I do." His curiosity switched to amusement. "As I said, I've been watching you closely. Your progress is remarkable. I look forward to the day we give you your full name." He smiled. "My name is Firesong."

Oh. Oh, this was- that was-

Oh, wow.

Lilytail's mentor. Someone that everyone who remembered him talked about reverently. Someone she refuses to talk about unless it was quiet stories in the dead of night when neither could sleep, or frustrated complaints after another visit to StarClan with the tom's absence.

Webpaw had never met him in life, joining as a young kit a half moon after Firesong had died, so this was certainly an experience.

"Oh, wow." He repeated. "It's- it's incredible to meet you. I've heard a lot about you." Webpaw straightened excitedly. Then he paused. "Why- why am I here?"

"I've seen your troubles, Webpaw. I wish only to ease your guilt that the inevitable deaths were your fault." The black tom glanced away at Firesong's words.

"I- I mean, they weren't inevitable. I could've done something. And- and now Harmonyleaf and Whisperingspirit are sad and I had to listen to Snarlingsnap explain death to Patchkit and I could have done something and it's- I don't know! There's no way it's not my fault. If I'd spent less time with friends or- or out gathering, maybe if I'd spent more time in the den, all my time in the den, I could have saved them." His voice cracked slightly as he rambled. It felt good, in a weird way, to get his sob story out. He'd tried explaining it to others but even with Lilytail he'd choke up and mumble an excuse before switching the subject.

Firesong watched him quietly. "Webpaw, those kits would die no matter how hard you tried. Besides, they're safe here now. Willowstone's taken quite a liking to them. They'll never have to worry about cold or sickness or rogues or foxes or how the prey runs ever again."

Webpaw shifted his paws. "Yeah, I guess. Still- feels bad though. I mean, it's not fair that their littermates get to grow up and they don't." He mumbled. "I could've done more."

"Webpaw. They would've died regardless."

"Then why bother letting us try to save them?" He snapped. "If they were going to die anyway, why try?"

Firesong didn't answer him. "Do you want to see them? Ease your worries? It's much better up here. They're safe." The black tom nodded begrudgingly. He was led to a mossy clearing. The floor was dappled by sunlight and the shadows of the leaf overhead, paw prints marked into soft floor. He paused as he spotted a blur of brown fur. Cloverkit tackled Cardinalkit, squealing excitedly. Smokekit rushed over.

"Come on! Be nice! You can't use that move! Willowstone, Cloverkit's being mean again!"

"No I'm not!" Cloverkit protested. Cardinalkit took the momentary distraction to push Cloverkit off, tackling her. "Hey! Cheat! Cheater! You're cheating!"

A dark brown tabby she-cat trotted over, tail twitching in amusement. "Play nice, you three." Her blue eyes glanced from the kits up to Firesong and Webpaw. "Firesong." She dipped her head respectfully.

This must be Willowstone- Wingwater's mother who'd died of an infected wound a few moons before Webpaw had joined the clan. He'd only heard about her in stories from injury ridden Wingwater and Jadesky in the medicine den.

Mistwing and Willowbird were sat in the corner of the clearing, talking quietly. Shadeheart and Cherryclover were sharing tongues. Cinderash trotted into the clearing moments later, rabbit dangling from his jaws. A young she-cat with dark gray fur and a long tail scampered after him, mumbling around a large pheasant that was practically half the size of her. Process of elimination suggested this was Wingwater's sister, Wavepaw, who'd died in the same flood that had claimed Firesong's life. Pebblespeck was sunning herself nearby, sprawled out on sun soaked rocks.

Webpaw felt the fog clear mostly. Clearly they were all happy here. There was nothing he could have done to save the kits. And he couldn't blame himself forever, right?

A memory of Lilytail's outburst last night popped into his head.

"Why have you been avoiding Lilytail?" Firesong blinked at the apprentice's curt question.

"I... it's complicated."

"No. It isn't. Why have you been avoiding her?" The older tom's claws dug in and out of the moss. He recognised it as a nervous habit- Melodicpaw did the same thing when panicking or uncertain.

"Well- I don't- I don't know if I can look her in the face after how I died. I mean, she had to- to watch me die. That must have been awful. And I left her alone, grieving, in the middle of leafbare with a whole clan to look after." His tail twitched. "Even when StarClan tried to warn me, I was too stupid to figure it out, and I got myself killed and left her alone. I wasn't sure if she'd want to see me." The black tom stared at Firesong in utter bewilderment.

"Of course she'd want to see you! You two were ridiculously close! No matter how you died, how could you possibly think that-"

"I know! I know it's stupid. I do need to talk to her. But it's hard." Firesong said bitterly. "Besides, it's easiest to talk when everyone's sleeping because I don't have to be in two places at once, I mean I'm not even technically in StarClan most of the time, and she often visits the Glowing Cave during the day, so-"

Two places at once? He brushed it off. "Just- talk to her. She misses you. She would never say it but I think she thinks you're angry at her for not saving her." Webpaw said quietly.

"I'll... I'll think about it." The vision flickered. "You must go now. Please tell Lilytail I send my regards."

"Please tell Wingwater I miss him!" Wavepaw chirped. Willowstone and Willowbird nodded in agreement.

"Tell Speckledstar I approve of Snarlingsnap as deputy. They're a fine young cat."

"Make sure to let Duckfloat know how proud we are of him!"

"And if he doesn't name one of his kits Shadekit I'm disowning him."

"He doesn't mean that."

"Keep an eye on Pinebreeze for me. I'm curious to see how she turns out."

Cloverkit scrambled over. "Can you tell my mommy to stop being sad? I think it's making Patchkit sad. I think Patchkit thinks my mommy doesn't like her anymore." Cardinalkit nodded.

"Tell my mama she'll be okay." Smokekit said determinedly.

Webpaw blinked, overwhelmed by all the message requests. "I'll- I'll try my best." He promised. "I'll tell them all." The vision vanished and Webpaw woke in the medicine den with a gasp.

Lilytail, who'd slunk in at some point, blinked groggily. "Keep it down. Some of us were up all night checking on the queens." She grumbled.

"I saw Firesong." That woke Lilytail up. Her head snapped towards him.

"Tell me everything." There was a hint of desperation in her movements as she got out of her nest to sit next to him.

"He- he sends his regards. And he isn't angry at you. He's mad at himself for not figuring out the visions and saving himself and Wavepaw, I think." His mentor's expression cycled through about ten different emotions in an impressive time of only a few seconds. She closed her eyes briefly, huffing out a sigh.

"I didn't- I- I just want to see him again. I just wanted to hear it from him he doesn't hate me for not saving him." The black she-cat admitted quietly.

"He doesn't hate you at all. He said he'd think about talking to you." Webpaw mused.

There was a long pause. Then- "Thank you. That means a lot."

Webpaw nodded quietly. The sun still hadn't quite risen over the camp's outline. He could vaguely see Jadesky and Angelwing sat on guard, the latter far too chatty for someone who'd been up all night.

"Go back to sleep, Webpaw." Lilytail said quietly. "It's not quite morning yet. When you wake up again, we can go visit the Glowing Cave and then we'll sort out this mess." Her tail flicked amusedly towards Webpaw's growing pile of herbs. "But for now, sleep." She lay next to him.

He leaned sleepily into her warmth. "Thanks, Lilytail." The dark furred tom mumbled.

As he drifted off to sleep once again, his mentor watching him quietly, he noticed that for the first time in a while, the fog in his mind was completely gone.

Um. This was meant to be a short exploration of Webpaw's guilt and now it's nearly 3.5k words so. Hope you enjoyed? It was fun to write tho