Author's Note: Hello guys! I am back, so sorry for the wait. I have been busy that's why this chapter is coming so late. As an apology, I will try to quickly follow it with the next chapter. Thanks so much for your votes and feedbacks really love you guys mwah

Chapter 12

It has been two weeks since we returned from the vacation and as far as I was concerned everything was going well.

Okay, I won't deceive myself even though I have managed to deceive P'Arthit. Everything was not going well. I was keeping secrets from my parents, and though that was nothing new, P'Arthit and Anya told my dad we were together and now he asks me about her nearly every time we meet, and since we work in the same place it was almost all the time. I can do nothing but keep up P'Arthit's lie because even as tempting as it was to reveal the truth now, I was afraid of what my dad would think about P'Arthit. For P'Arthit, my father's opinion mattered so much.

When I get convinced into going home for dinner and such, Anya was always there and we both had to uncomfortably pretend to my dad that our story was true. For some reason my dad was keeping it from my mother and that was the only mercy.

I told P'Arthit that his secret was safe whenever he asked; no one would ever know, and I acted the part of Anya's boyfriend really well particularly to make him angry. When I succeeded, we'd fight, and we fought every time.

Ever since the vacation, we haven't done much else than fight. After that amazing sex in the toilet of an airport—something P'Arthit would never have let happen—we fell back to our old life—at first, after the sex, I thought he allowed it because he got swept away by emotions he couldn't control, like I was, but later I realized he did it as a conciliatory gesture for what he did. We haven't touched each other ever since.

I was aching for him, I haven't gotten this long without kissing P'Arthit or teasing him and playing around so I was having it badly inside, but every time we were together I was just so angry and so disappointed that I couldn't do anything but pour out so much resentment. Even though I told P'Arthit that I would go as far as marry Anya to keep his secret, to this very day he still hasn't told me that I wouldn't have to, that he wouldn't let me.

I told Anya this. I was growing to trust her and since none of my old friends were around for me to talk to, she was the only one I could tell these things. We were friends and I told her all that I was feeling, how I couldn't seem to be able to forgive P'Arthit for being less than I thought he was. To me, P'Arthit was only protecting himself and was ashamed of his feelings for me.

It hurt to admit this, even to myself, but I had to accept it or risk more disappointment and more hurt.

"Kongpob, want to get that ice cream or this one." I was pulled out of my thoughts by Anya who was leaning too much over the counter and pointing at a strawberry flavored ice-cream. The inside of the ice-cream pallor was colorfully designed with shapes and ice-cream cones and on the menu there were many flavors.

I pulled her away by her hand and shook my head to silence any questions," why are we here, I'm not interested in eating ice-cream," I told her.

"We are here to shake you from your depression," she announced with a proud smile. "I'm not letting you wallow over your problems anymore Kongpob, the least you can do is eat ice-cream while you do it."

Her logic was ridiculous and I could only shake my head," you want me to eat my feelings? I'm not like that. Let's just go home, Anya."

By home I meant my place. It was the weekend, on Sunday, and I had called P'Arthit to tell him I wouldn't be able to come to his place as I had a lot of paperwork. I have been doing that a lot, and I did it so that he would miss me enough, miss me a lot one day and come spend the weekend with me instead, but he not only doesn't come, he doesn't even call or ask questions and I end up being the one missing him too much to bear. That's when I started calling Anya over. She was a talkative and very lively; with her around I didn't need to worry about feeling bored or doing something rash like calling P'Arthit or going over.

"Staying at home hasn't helped you so far," she said.

"Nothing will help," I admitted. As long as P'Arthit continued to hide, as long as his love for me doesn't grow stronger than his fear, then we were bound to remain in this situation.

Anya and I walked out of the little ice-cream place and outside was bright and sunny, with a warm light breeze blowing over the tiny canopies at the front of the ice-cream pallor.

"Let's seat here," Anya gestured towards one of the colored chairs under a canopy. She really didn't want to go back so I agreed and we sat down.

"Kongpob, I know you've been avoiding P'Arthit, isn't that going to do more damage than good at this point? You two need to get together, share your feelings and then forgive each other," she said while making a flush face, probably over something she was imagining. At this point, I was done trying to understand her.

"And then what? Continue living a lie and lying to my parents? Tell me Anya, how long do you have to pretend to be my girlfriend, what about when you want to date someone?"

Her head lowered in shame." I see what you mean. But even so what can you doo, this isn't working for you is it."

I sighed. Of course it wasn't. P'Arthit wasn't jealous about me and Anya. After the first few fights, he stopped complaining about us and did his best to keep us from fighting. Even trying to get him to miss me wasn't doing much good, only increasing my own suffering. Why did I love P'Arthit this much, I couldn't even be without him for two weeks. I knew I loved P'Arthit more than he loved me but getting a confirmation wasn't pleasant at all.

"Oh I know! Why don't you scare him" I eyed her nodding her head like a lizard with bright eyes and excitedly puffed cheeks. She had an ice-cream in front of her that I didn't remember her buying.

"Scare him how?" I took the bait.

"With something he can't tolerate. "she clapped her hands," oh yeah, you can tell him that you are going to marry someone else."

"What?!" I wanted to laugh but it was not a laughing matter. "Are you serious? P'Arthit doesn't even blink when he sees me and you together, if he knows that I would marry anyone to keep his secret, won't he just be glad that he would never have to worry about coming out?"

"If P'Arthit really really loves you, he wouldn't be able to stand seeing you get married, trust me. And if he can, then he doesn't deserve you Kongpob."

I lowered my head and thought about it. Basically Anya wanted me to test P'Arthit's love. For me, I already knew that P'Arthit didn't love me enough, but then again I couldn't break up with him, if P'Arthit was willing to watch me marry someone else would that give me the strength I need to leave him?

Thinking about it like that, if P'Arthit could really let me go, what did I have left? How could I possibly still go back to him? It hurt even to think about; I swallowed around the pain.

"But just telling him that wouldn't change anything, after all I already did." When I said it, P'Arthit had just accepted it, it wouldn't change anything.

"Ah you are right. What about... if you make it as real as possible."

"What?" I frowned.

"Get a girl who would play your to be wife, then make preparations towards the marriage. If P'Arthit sees you actually getting married, sees that it's real, he would definitely, definitely try to stop you."

"You want me to deceive P'Arthit?"

She flushed like someone caught her red-handed with her shorts down. "I like it," I smiled.

It was high time P'Arthit got a taste of his own medicine and feels how much it hurt to be lied to and as long as he makes the right call we might come out of this learning some good lessons.

"But who would you use?" she asked seeing that I was pleased with the idea.

"You, who else? I don't want any clingy girl who could easily ruin everything. You know our secret and my mother likes you, it's perfect."

"We are going to include your mother?"

"You said make it as real as possible, if my mother doesn't know do you think P'Arthit would believe it?"

"But your mom, she would think—"

I understood her cautious look." don't worry, I will tell her the truth."

She sat up straight," the truth about you and P'Arthit?!"

I frowned at her," of course not, I want P'Arthit to do that. I want him to have that freedom."

"Then what are you going to tell her?"

"I will tell her to trust me. She must know that the marriage isn't real."

"Can I do that?" Anya was seriously gleeful, her eyes were sparkling.

"Um, " I hesitated.

"You know how your mother likes me right, trust me, she would be happy to help, especially if she thinks I'm doing it to get you."

I laughed, that did make sense. Knowing my mother, she would badger me with questions if I told her but if she thought Anya was doing this to get me then she would be satisfied. "Good," I nodded.

"What about your dad," she asked.

"We've already told him one story, no need changing it," I said. "What about your own parents?"

"They are—it is probably best not to involve them."

We estimated that this would take at least a month, after that we went home separately.

I stopped in front of P'Arthit's place and looked at the building for a long while. The building was the exact replica of mine, white paints, black shutters and a wide compound.

I took out my phone to call P'Arthit. My hand kept hesitating over the call button. I said I wouldn't come this weekend either. I promised myself to stay away, but what was the point, I missed him. I needed to see him right now or I wouldn't be able to breathe. I exhaled and just when I tapped call, he appears before me.

"Kongpob?"

He was dressed in a blue shirt and trouser and his hair was styled differently from how I remembered. He looked good enough to eat and I was drooling.

"P'Arthit," I said, barely containing my desire.

His eyes turned to look around," you are alone? I thought you were with Anya."

"What?" I blinked, my lust taking a nose dive.

"She told me you two were together," he said and I didn't sense any annoyance.

"Why would she do that," I asked, giving in.

He grinned, "Because I told her to. Are you done avoiding me now?"
So pompous, I thought without heat.

"So you've had Anya spying for you."

"She likes us, and I didn't want you to feel like I'm crowding you by insisting too much"

"But you know I want you to insist, a lot." My desire was back full force but he held up a hand to keep me from coming too close to him.

"Hey stop right there, I'm going out," he said, already knowing my mind.

"Where to?"

"A party."

It was evening around five or six and the sky would be dark soon. P'Arthit rarely goes to parties.

"Whose party?"

"A colleague of mine, he is celebrating his birthday." He eyed me in a pause," do you want to come with?"

I blinked, my jaw nearly popping open." Really?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "You can come dressed like that; we don't have much time left."

This would be the first time ever that P'Arthit has invited me to a gathering where his colleagues could be. Inside I was fawning and swooning over this. It meant so much to me; more that he was comfortable enough to let me around his circle of friends than that they know about me—university friends notwithstanding. These were his work colleagues; P'Arthit did not mix personal business with professional business. This was... this was amazing.

I was still awestruck by it that I didn't say anything and P'Arthit's expression changed—from certainty to insecurity.

"You don't want to?" he asked. I found he's being apprehensive about my answer cute so I smiled.

"Try and stop me," I said.

We took his car and arrived at a backwater kind of house and the party was being held on the beach. There were colored lights hanging from wires hooked to a wooden pole, and there were mats arranged on the ground. It was a really romantic setting. By the time we arrived it was obvious the party had long started and the celebrant was already cutting the cake.

I saw a few others of P'Arthit's work people and they saw me and I wondered if they recalled that incident with the pictures. That rumor only died down after I left at the end of my internship, turning my back on it—which was the same thing as denying it.

I looked at P'Arthit beside me for his expression. He would be having second thoughts about me coming here now. What if they see me and remember that 'delightful' scandal, what if this makes P'Arthit become distant again and avoid me. I never should have come, was what I was thinking.

P'Arthit wasn't paying attention to me, his eyes seemed to be scanning the guest for someone.

"P'Arthit," I called. He looked at me. "No one recognizes me yet but I think I should go."

He said nothing for a moment and I held my breath for his answer and then he shook his head. "No, don't go."

I sighed. That was all he said but that was still enough to give me pleasure and I could safely be glad that he wanted me here for real, and that he didn't care whether people remembered or not.

I realized I might have been too quick to give up on P'Arthit, he will pull through for me and I didn't need to deceive him or force him into a situation where he would have no choice. I decided two things right then; one, I will never give up on P'Arthit and two, I would not do what Anya and I had planned.

We walked into the party and greeted everyone. It's been almost four years since I interned at Ocean Electric but people like P' Som and P'Dorian recognized me.

"Kong," P'Arthit called me as I was chatting with the Ps "I will be right back."

"Okay," I replied.

The minute he was gone they crowded me. By they, I meant P' Som, P'Dorian and a few of their colleagues. They had curiosity stamped all over their faces and I knew they were about to start gossiping.

"Hey, Kong, have you been friends with Arthit all these years?"

I nodded numbly and turned my eyes to the next questioner." then you know the girl he is dating?"

I knew P'Arthit had told them that he was dating a girl indirectly and while I understood, I was definitely not happy.

"I don't know...that P'Arthit is dating anyone"

They clapped their hands as if to say 'I told you' and I was even more confused.

"Arthit has never let us meet the girl he is supposedly dating and she has never come to the office to look for him. That's why we thought maybe they've broken up or P'Arthit is just saying that to keep the girls away."

"Such a good looking man, why doesn't he have a girlfriend yet?"

There was a good reason I didn't go to P'Arthit's workplace; to avoid speculations like this.

"But there is Nong Dean."

"Ooh, yes, Dean is a really good girl and she is so pretty."

I blinked at the familiar name. "Dean?"

"She is your senior, Kongpob," P'Dorian smiled encouragingly.

I swallowed a sudden wave of nausea. It couldn't be the same person, right? It couldn't be P'Dean. I haven't forgiven myself for what I did to that person and ever since she left the company, I always felt really bad and wondered if she was okay wherever she was.

"What about P'Dean," I asked.

"Oh that's right, Kongpob you should know her. I heard you two used to date."

She knew that because I did go to pick her up at the office. She used to work at Ocean Electric with P'Arthit three years ago. But we were not really dating... I was courting her at the time. The person P'Dean actually liked was P'Arthit.

"Not really, "I replied anxiously.

"Really? We were so sure you two were dating, but before that Dean was crushing hard on Arthit," they chuckled.

"They do look good together."

The giggling women turned their eyes somewhere to the right, at the other guest, and I followed the same direction with mine. She was almost as tall as me and she had the same hairstyle of putting her hair up in a bun. She was the neat and proper type and her eyes were always looking away from you when she talked because she had problems looking people in the eye.

"Why is P'Dean here?" I wasn't asking anyone, my shock at seeing her again after three years made me blurt out the question.

"Oh, she returned to Ocean Electric," P'Som helpfully answered.

I turned sharply to look at her which startled her a little. "When? How long has P'Dean been working with P'Arthit?"

"T-two weeks now." She eyed me. "What's wrong Kongpob?'

I didn't bother answering her. I looked for P'Arthit with my eyes, glad to see he was not with P'Dean. I wasn't jealous and wouldn't be even if he was with her; I just didn't know how he could neglect to tell me this. I wondered how long she must have been standing there, seeing us.

By the way, wasn't P'Arthit afraid? He even brought me here knowing she would be here. I thought he didn't want to tell anyone about us. P'Dean knew about us. She didn't just know, she saw us.

"Excuse me P, I have to go look for P'Arthit," I said and excused myself before they could reply.

There weren't that many people in the party, maybe twenty or so, but I couldn't find P'Arthit anywhere. I took out my phone to call him but then I looked up and my eyes collided with P'Dean's. I wasn't one to run from things, I preferred facing it and dealing with it, but with P'Dean, I don't think I am equipped. So I looked away but I changed my mind almost immediately. It would be even worse if I don't speak to her. I turned back and opened my mouth to say something but she walked past me like she didn't see me.

I just stood there staring at nothing while she passed. I remained stagnated in my feeling of utter mortification and regret for a bit, and then I turned to watch her walk, her back stiff and straight. She was walking towards P'Arthit who held two cans of beer.

I expected her to give him the same treatment but she stopped in front of him and started chatting with him. I watched them from behind skeptically. P'Arthit gave her one of the beers then after a moment, his eyes found their way to me briefly. After saying a few more words, he walked over.

"Here," he held the other can of beer to me, but I was still looking at P'Dean.

"Kongpob," he called me. I blinked at him. "What's wrong?"

What's wrong? Is he serious? "Why didn't you tell me that P'Dean was back to working in Ocean Electric?"

He tilted his head slightly. "Why?"

"Why?" I repeated

"Why do I have to tell you about her coming back to work at Ocean Electric?"

I blinked a few times and wondered if I was the only one who still suffered from what happened three years ago. No, P'Arthit hasn't even forgiven me for it.

"Maybe because I have a right to know. Because of me P'Dean had to quit working for Ocean Electric."

"She didn't quit because of you Kongpob, stop trying to take the blame. If P'Dean quit because of anyone, it's me."
I shook my head because that wasn't the point and I didn't want to be derailed into an argument of whose fault it was.

"In any case, you should have told me."
"And then what? What are you going to do?"

I didn't have any idea. I just felt that it was something to discuss with me. I mean even to share his worries. It couldn't have been easy for P'Arthit to see her again after everything. How did he feel?

"I don't know, but it still doesn't make sense that you didn't tell me."

"Well we have our own issues to deal with and you have been avoiding me, remember?"

That was the first time I felt that P'Arthit has been affected by my absence. Still I tried to defend myself. "I wasn't avoiding you."

"uh huh, " he nodded with clear disbelief in his tone. "P'Dean came two weeks ago and we talked and she is okay with what happened. I apologized for both of us and she has forgiven us."

No way, I thought, there was no way that person who just snubbed me could be okay with everything or has forgiven anything.

"So she isn't holding any grudge?"

See, I have to explain what happened with P'Dean so it makes some sense though it's a bit long.

It started when P'Arthit got it in his head that our relationship was doomed to end three years ago. He decided to break up with me and nothing I said could stop him. He started going out with P'Dean to keep me away. Actually, he really wasn't going out with her, I just thought he was. So what did I do? I tried to get P'Dean who liked P'Arthit to like me instead and I started courting her too.

She had no idea that we were both using her. While she thought P'Arthit was starting to return her feelings, he was only using her to keep me away, and though she thought I was her admirer who truly liked her, I was using her to keep them apart and to make P'Arthit jealous.

When P'Arthit found out I was courting her, he told me to stop but I lied to him and told him that I would, while secretly meeting her behind his back. My plan was to do something so big that it would force P'Arthit to return to me.

I succeeded when I pretended to take P'Dean to a hotel. At that point I thought she had given up on P'Arthit and now liked me. I took her there on the pretence of being tired. To her we were dating, but I just wanted P'Arthit to think I was going to sleep with her and my plan worked. P'Arthit really came, even though I already told him that I didn't like P'Dean, he saw us coming to a hotel and followed us.

While P'Dean was out of the room he came and we really did get back together but P'Dean walked in on us kissing and there was nothing we could say to her. She was so upset about everything, she left Ocean Electric.

I was the one out of the two of us who really wronged her. And if she hated me for it, I would understand.

I looked behind me and there she was talking and smiling. Her eyes met mine and I felt her glare like needles on my face.

"Let me call her over and you will see what I mean," P'Arthit said.

I wanted to stop him, but then I paused and thought about it. It would be nice to finally get that grievance off my chest.

"Ok," I nodded. He left and went to her. After a few words, the two of them started coming back to me. I waited tensely.

She smiled at me, these were smiles that didn't come very often, P'Dean was a very serious person.

"Kongpob," her voice was dry though, belying her smile.

"Hello, P'Dean," I replied. "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

Once that was said, it became hard to think of anything more to say. I had at least a hundred things to say but none of them seemed appropriate, then P'Arthit helped us both.

"So P'Dean, Kongpob has something to say to you. He doesn't believe you when I said you have forgiven us."

"Ah, yes, I have been meaning to ask you Arthit, have you told anyone about you and Kongpob?"

I pressed my lips together and glanced at P'Arthit. He shook his head.

"No wonder everyone has been speculating about us dating," she said. I was not aware of that, but it was possibly true, people in the office can be a bit of gossip mongers and of course nothing they said was true. "If you really want people to remain in the dark you can use me, I don't mind."

The hair on my neck stood up like a porcupines. Those exact words, how can she say them? It felt like she was targeting us somehow. If P'Arthit saw it that way I couldn't tell.

"Well—"

"We don't plan on hiding anything." I knew that we wronged her and we deserved that but I didn't want her looking down on us and thinking we would remain like this forever. "When we are ready, P'Arthit and I will let everyone know. Doing what you are suggesting would only make matters worse, P'Dean, but thanks for your suggestion anyway."

The look she gave me was anything but pleasant. If they could kill I would be dead.

"But Arthit, when do you plan to tell everyone. Four years ago you two were still hiding it, it's already a really long time."

Yes it was but her tone of voice was aggravating. How is it that I felt so bad about what I did to this woman yet I was finding her really annoying?

"It doesn't matter," I said, "We will do it. P'Arthit and I love one another and so it doesn't really matter who knows."

I felt P'Arthit shove me lightly with his elbow and l looked at him. He gestured with his eyes to the people around us. Some of them must have heard what I said. I couldn't believe my own carelessness. In a haste to prove myself and to show off to P'Dean, I blurted out something I shouldn't in a place I shouldn't.

I turned my head and saw that only a few people were looking at us. There wasn't that loud a music playing but I hoped that it had drowned out some of what I said.

P'Dean laughed," be careful Kongpob or everyone would know about it," she said.

I tried my best not to glare at her or curse her in my mind but it was a near thing. Was she always this spiteful?

"P'Arthit, hook arms with me," she said softly and I turned my head to give her an incredulous look. "This would turn everyone's attention away from your partner. You know that we are the company's hot topic."
I thought that her lips were way too close to P'Arthit's ears and she was standing just a bit too close for my liking. It gnawed on me so bad I can practically hear my liver shunning.

"Don't do it, P'Arthit," I said. I knew I wasn't being rational, but I just couldn't bear to see her smug face as she flaunt to me that her relationship with P'Arthit was allowed in public while mine and P'Arthit's were to be silenced and hidden. I really burned at this and so I would be damned to see P'Arthit link arms with her.

He looked at me and shook his head as if to say I was ridiculous then he proceeded to do what I didn't want and even walked away.

I stood there staring and gaping after them. I never knew how little P'Arthit regarded me until then and why was I still standing there staring after them like an idiot. I turned and all around me were eyes, strange eyes and familiar ones and even if there were no pity in them and nothing that could even relate with how I felt in that moment, it felt like all my feelings were being reflected back.

I looked back and saw P'Arthit returning to me alone. He didn't look like he understood what he just did; he didn't know how he had trampled all over my pride just then. So I remained standing there, hoping to explain and receive sympathy and understanding.

"Be careful what you say in public, Kongpob," he said to me before I could speak.

"What did I say that isn't the truth?"
He shook his head as I was obviously exhausting him. "Just don't."
"I am right though, P'Dean hasn't forgiven me, and she is making fun of me, of us and our relationship."

"Not here Kongpob."

I bit down on a bubbled of irritation at the hazer voice being used on me again but I decided to keep quiet and let everything go for now.

Later we would talk it out. Until then I will quickly locate the drinks in this place.