Christmas and New Year's Day have passed. We all stayed up on New Year's Eve to watch the fireworks on tv which was memorable. Steven's gone, and it seems that Sammy is next to leave. She leaves within the next week and it's sad to lose all the people I've grown to love over the past month and a half. But we've swapped numbers and there's going to be a group chat once we get out so it's not like I'm losing them forever.

My new roommates name is Colin, and has been added to our friend group. It use to be Steven, Sammy, Marie, and Olivia but now it's Olivia, Tori, and Colin. We're the young group at the centre, with me being 18, Olivia being 19, Tori being 22 and Colin being 21. When Steven left, I was worried because he was a big source of support and positivity for me. But I had nothing to be worried about, because Colin shines as bright as the sun when it comes to positivity. He's not good at shining that positivity on to himself though, and that's something I'm helping him work on.

It's been over a week since my last meal pass, and my treatment team has decided to let me try again. This time, I'm going with Michael, Calum, and Ashton. They tried explaining to me that I should bring only one person with me, but I told them that we're all very close and the support would help me. I thought it would be a good idea to try the same diner as before so that's where we're going.

As we walk into the diner, Ashton bounces over to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. I melt into the touch.

"It's nice to hang out with you like this again Luke," he says to me.

Calum turns around. "Yeah, it's nice to have a change of scenery," he adds on. Michael nods his head to agree.

Once we're seated, a waitress comes over immediately, asking us what we'd like to drink. Someone orders an iced tea, someone else orders a coke, and the next person orders water. I wasn't paying attention to who ordered what because I was having a battle inside myself.

I could just get water, no one would think that's strange. They don't know I have either fruit juice or milk at the center for every meal. I've never told them that.

"Luke?" Michael looks to me concerned, "you alright?"

"Um, what kind of milk do you guys have?" I ask the waitress.

"We have whole milk and skim milk," she answers with a smile.

"Could I have skim milk please?"

"No problem, I'll have all your drinks out shortly," she says smiling again, walking away.

"Mate, aren't you suppose to be eating more? Skim has less calories than whole milk does," Michael asks me.

"It was either that or water, and I thought skim milk would have been better than water," I say with a shrug, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

"It's okay, you're doing great so far," Calum reassures me. His words make me smile, feeling less guilty about my selection.

Michael sits next to me in the booth, with Ashton across me and Calum next to him. It does feel really good to be out of the treatment center but my nerves are too high to enjoy the feeling, knowing I'm on my own when it comes to feeding myself. No nurses watching over me, no time limit, no structure. There's too much freedom and it scares me honestly.

We talk among ourselves and look at the menu while we wait for our drinks, which doesn't take too long. She comes back in two minutes, most likely because the diner is dead right now. I wonder how this place stays in business.

She gives out the drinks and then asks if we're ready for order. Michael pipes up saying he's ready and puts his order in, followed by Ashton, and Calum. Then it comes to me.

"Um..." I look down at the menu unsure of what to order. There's so much, we don't get this many choices at the center.

Ashton reaches his hand out to mine on my menu. When I look up, we lock eyes, his eyes sending positive vibes.

I look over the menu one more time quickly, and just as she asks if I need more time, I find something familiar on the menu.

"I'll have the spaghetti bolognese," I say, closing my menu. Spaghetti bolognese is something I have often at the treatment center.

She grabs all our menus and says, "I'll be back with your food shortly." We thank her as she walks away. I sigh and lump down in my seat.

"Everything okay?" Calum asks me. I look to him with tired eyes.

"This is hard. Back at the treatment center, nurses watch over me, I have a time limit, and I've already chosen what I'd eat the day before," I sigh again, "it's just... a challenge. But that's what this is meant to be: a challenge."

"And you're doing great. I'm proud of you, we all are," Ashton says in response. It makes my heart skip a beat.

The boys do their best to get my mind off of the food, so they talk and involve me in conversations while we wait. They talk about the band mostly but nothing they say upsets me, which is good.

When food finally arrives I'm in high spirits. The waitress gives out our food to us, and I take a second to realise that this is really happening. That I'm really going to eat spaghetti bolognese in the real world, outside of the treatment center.

The first forkful is easy to lift to my mouth, considering I'm hungry. But once it hits my tongue, I instantly regret telling my treatment team I was ready to try this again.

I try with all my might to swallow the noodles and meat, chewing for a very long time.

"You okay?" Ashton asks me, looking worried. It must be written all over my face how much I'm struggling right now.

"You guys keep asking me that," I try to laugh but it comes out more like a groan. "Seriously, please stop asking me if I'm okay," I request. They nod their heads.

Conversation flows easily after that. The boys and I all talk, which is exactly what I need. Talking helps distract me from my disordered thoughts. And we talk about anything and everything. We talk about the next album, stories from when we were younger, and our hopes and dreams for the future. For a while I didn't see myself having a future, but getting treatment has made me happy for the future again. It's given me hope.

Maybe that's how I finish my plate without issue - the hope pumping through me. I even go to finish off my milk, with only a little more difficulty than the plate of spaghetti. I'm starting to feel full and that feeling hasn't settled with me well throughout this, it makes me feel anxious. But I know if I was at the treatment center, I'd have to finish my drink as well so that's what I do here. This is practice for when I'm discharged, might as well try as hard as I can to get the best out of this.

I put the glass down with an thunk, and the boys whoop out loud at the empty glass. They're all smiling at me, congratulating me on a job well done. For a second, I forget the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and heart, their pride filling me up instead. I'm glad they realise how hard this is for me, because it is. It's not easy like it is to them. They can eat perfectly fine and not have their mind torment them afterwards.

It makes me jealous of them, but I've been learning to not be as jealous. We all have problems going on in our lives, everyone is different. I just happen to suffer from an eating disorder. I shouldn't be jealous of anyone. That doesn't stop me from being jealous though. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be Calum, Ashton, or Michael. To eat and not feel hatred for myself. To not think about what I eat, and just eat it. To not care about my weight or how my body looks.

But maybe I can have that. I've come a long way in this nearly two month period, and I am truly proud of myself.

When we get up to leave, Ashton puts his arm around my back and I sink into the touch, feeling warm all over.

I can do this.