I'm up to my highest calorie intake, 4,100 calories. It's a lot, and to help get there I drink supplements which taste horrendous. It's a lot of calories and I'm freaking out. Before I went in treatment, I was eating 200 calories at the most - but usually I never went that high - and now I'm up to 4,100! It's insane. I'm just glad my calorie intake will finally stop rising as we've agreed that I will eat 4,100 calories at the most.

It could be worse. One girl here has to have 6,000 calories a day because of her hypermetabolism. But then again, it could be easier. Some people only have to have 3,000 calories a day. I'm jealous of them.

Things are getting easier, but harder at the same time. Easier in the sense that I'm getting use to eating and feeling hungry again, but harder in the sense that it's a lot to eat, and the emotional toll it takes on me is difficult. I'm glad I'm here though. The groups really help with the emotions and how I'm feeling. I don't think I could have tried to recover without being here.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I would rather be anywhere else but this treatment center, but other times I actually like it here. It makes things easier for me. There's a set schedule everyday so I don't have to worry about having too much time on my hands. That's when I start to think negatively, when I'm alone with my thoughts. So it's a nice break away from those thoughts.

Something that's starting to help me is the medication they've given me. I take an antidepressant now - which made me feel really suicidal in the beginning of my stay, but with time the thoughts wore away - and it's helped so far. I don't feel as down as I usually do.

There has been one thing I've been worrying about constantly though, and it happens a few days after I hit 4,100 calories.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?" I reply, looking up fast from the card game I'm playing, not feeling dizzy like I would have before coming here. I'm faced with a person I don't recognize.

"I was really hoping it wasn't you," the girl grins sadly. She doesn't look younger than twenty, with curly brunette hair and blue eyes. It's then that I know how she recognizes me.

"You're a fan?" I ask fearfully. It must show in my face because she does her best to calm me down with her words.

"Don't freak out, but yeah I listen to your music occasionally," she admits shyly, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Fuck fuck fuck, someones recognized me.

"Luke, hey, it's okay," Steven, who's playing cards with me, smiles sweetly at me while patting my hand.

I've really opened up to Steven, Olivia, Marie, and Sammy. I've told them everything basically, I even told them about me being in a band that's becoming more popular by the day. They all congratulated me when I told them that, but I spilled my worries to them. What if someone gets admitted who recognizes me? I asked them. Like always, they showed me their love and support, telling me that no matter what, everything would end up being fine. They also reminded me to not worry too much about that, and to worry about my recovery since that's what I'm here for. Well, easier said than done.

Marie left the treatment center this morning, which is wonderful for her but unfortunate for me since I'll miss her. Maybe this is the new girl who's taking Marie's bed.

Steven is staring at me intensely, looking like he's trying to make a decision about something. He must do so, because he turns to the girl in front of us and says, "Could you give us a moment please?" She complies happily, and walks away.

"You okay?" he asks me after she leaves the big day room, probably heading to her own room. "I know you were nervous about this happening," he follows up with.

"What if she tells someone outside the center and everyone finds out?" I ask panic stricken.

"Breath Luke, breathe," he reminds me. "I doubt she would tell anyone, especially if you asked her not to. She knows what you're going through and understands it's not something to tell others about," he says calmly.

"But some fans pry at our lives and try to leak everything, what if she's one of those fans?" I ask, breathing deeply, continuing to calm myself down.

"She didn't sound like a big fan. All she said was that she listens to your music occasionally," he points out. I sigh.

"What's going on?" Olivia and Sammy strolls over to us, probably noticing the worry etched on my face and the concern on Stevens.

Steven looks over to me, silently asking if it's okay if he says what's going on to them. I nod my head.

He turns to them and says, "The new girl is a fan."

"And I'm afraid that she's going to tell someone I'm here," I add on.

Sammy nods, but Olivia says something that makes me feel cold.

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

Sammy and Steven turn to glare at her, knowing how afraid I am of this scenario. I gape at her. I thought she understood!

"Hear me out," she says defensively, raising her hands. "I know you're scared of people finding out, but what's the worst that could happen? If anything, I think it would help a lot of people who look up to you, to know that you struggle with the same kind of shit they do," she explains.

"But...," I try to think of something to counter with, and only come up with, "but I'm not ready for everyone to know."

"And that's fine," Sammy says, rubbing my back in a comforting way. "You don't have to tell anyone. But if you do want to, you do so when you're ready."

"You can talk to her and tell her that you don't want people knowing just yet," Olivia adds.

"That's what I said," Steven says.

Before I can reply, a nurse is informing us that it's time for dinner in the dining room.

We all grab our trays and choose our usual table to sit at. The new girl walks in and looks scared, unsure of where to sit. I sigh, as she looks at our table last, and I wave her over. Maybe this is my opportunity to talk to her.

"Hi," she greets shyly. We all greet her back, and she takes a seat next to Sammy.

"What's your name? My name's Sammy."

"Victoria, but everyone calls me Tori, what's all your names?" she asks.

Everyone says their name, and before I can say my name, she says, "and Luke."

"Yeah," I say nervously, "about that..." I trail off. I look around and Olivia, Steven and Sammy are giving me encouraging smiles, while Tori looks confused.

"Could you keep it a secret that I'm here? I don't exactly want everyone to know yet..." I say quietly, but loud enough to be heard.

She looks enthusiastic when she speaks then. "Of course! I would never do that to anyone. It's not my story to tell," she reassures me and I can feel myself instantly calm down.

"Good, thank you," I chuckle a little, relief flooding through me.

Dinner goes by smoothly for us, aside for Tori. She seems to be struggling with starting her meal.

"I hate to break it to you, but we only have thirty minutes to eat. I don't know if they told you that or not," Olivia says.

"I know," she smiles sadly, "thank you for reminding me though. I'm so use to sitting at the table for hours while my room mates wait for me to eat."

"I know that feeling," I admit to her, wanting to make her feel more comfortable. I remember the nights when my parents would sit with me, waiting for me to finish my food.

Soon enough we all finish eating, with Tori only shedding a single tear, wiping it away as fast as it appeared. She seems strong.

Later on, I see Ashton and Michael walking in for visiting hour, with Calum no where to be seen. I wonder where he is.

"Hey Luke," they say at the same time, which makes me laugh. Michael gives me a quick hug, followed by Ashton's hug.

Ashton's hugs are always longer than everyone else's. I feel him sigh into the hug, ruffling my hair.

Ashton's so wonderful. His smile makes me lighten up. His hugs send jolts of electricity through me.

I like Ashton, I think casually to myself.

Wait... fuck, no.

"No, no no no," I mutter under my breath, pulling away from his touch.

"What's wrong?" Ashton asks me, resting a hand on my shoulder. I shake it off immediately.

I can't like a boy, especially Ashton. He's my best friend for fucks sake!

"Luke, what's going on?" Michael asks me.

Ashton is staring deep into my eyes with an emotion I can't put a name to.

"Please leave Ashton," I whisper, looking down at the tiled floor.

"What, why? What just happened, is everything okay Luke?" he says in a hurried tone.

Fuck, I can't like Ashton.

"Just leave!" I yell, looking up to him. People are surely watching us now, and I realize I'm crying when I feel a tear fall down my cheek.

He looks extremely hurt, but does as I ask him, telling Michael he'll be waiting in the car for him.

"What's going on?" he asks me cautiously.

I lunge myself into Michaels arms then, needing the comfort.

I can't like Ashton. But now I can see that I do. How long have I had feelings for him? Why am I just noticing now?

"Tell me anything," I whimper to Michael, hoping to distract myself from the torment I feel inside.

He stares at me for a long time before deciding that I need to get my mind off of whatever I'm thinking of. This is why Mikey is amazing, he always knows what I need in any situation.

"There is something I want to tell you, but are you sure you're okay? I don't want to dump my issues on you," he says wearily.

"Please, I'd rather hear about someone else's issues instead of being stuck with mine. Maybe I can help," I smile weakly.

"Um, well... okay. Something happened with Cal," he tells me.

Instantly I'm worried. "What do you mean? Is he okay, is he hurt or something?" I ask quickly.

"He's not hurt, don't worry," he tells me, "Remember that bet we made? The one about how we wouldn't get intimate with anyone?"

"Yeah, what about it?" I ask him.

"We went to a bar about three nights ago. Wanted to out-drink the other. Relieve some stress, you know?" I nod to him, intrigued on where this is going. "Well, we drank a lot, and when we walked back to my house, because he was staying the night, we ended up kissing," he says meekly.

My jaw drops. "You two kissed?!" I say in a whisper so no one can hear me.

Michael shrugs, "I guess the bet is just down to you and Ash now," he laughs quietly.

"You don't seem bothered or freaked," I say sniffing, still not completely okay from crying.

"I mean, I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I know I like girls, kissing Calum doesn't change that. So, no, I'm not really bothered. He seems to be really freaked out though. He fled from my room with his sleep bag and I haven't seen him since. I've been trying to call him but he doesn't answer," he sighs.

"What if... what if he likes guys?" I ask anxiously, secretly hiding my own worried question behind Calum's situation.

"Then he likes guys," he shrugs. Of course he would answer as simply as that. Ashton came out as pansexual and it didn't faze anyone. It doesn't bother any of them because they aren't homophobic. I'm not either. It's just... when it comes to me... I have to be straight. I grew up thinking I was going to marry a woman. We'd get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. And my parents, it's not that they're homophobic, but they aren't the most accepting. At least, I think they're like that. Maybe they actually would accept me.

But fuck, can I accept myself?

"Luke?" Michael asks me, "Is everything okay? You're starting to cry again, please don't cry." He wipes away one of my tears and pats me on the back.

I laugh harshly, "it seems all I do is cry ever since coming here."

"That's okay. It's good to cry. It's good to get things out instead of bottling them up inside."

Mike's right, I shouldn't keep things inside. Especially something as big as my sexuality. But I just realised that I'm not straight. I don't want to tell anyone right now especially due to the fact that I don't accept it.

I smile up at Michael and say, "Why don't you go now. I'll call Cal. Plus, I don't want you to keep Ash waiting."

He looks worried. "Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's going on? Maybe I can help you with whatever Ashton did."

"He didn't do anything, please let him know that," I shake my head guiltily.

"Okay, I'll let him know," he says, pulling me into an embrace, "call me if you need me, okay? I'm always here for you. Or maybe talk to a nurse or something. That's what they're here for, right?"

"Right," I smile to him. We say our goodbyes and I make my way to the phone. Both phones are occupied so I have to wait five minutes until a girl name Sara finishes up.

I sit down in the little phone booth, phone numbers written all over the walls. I dial Calum's number from memory. Since being here, I've learned everyones number.

"Luke?" Calum answers. "Sorry I didn't make it tonight," he says sadly.

"It's okay," might as well just cut to the chase, "I heard about the kiss." I hear an intake of breath.

"Did you all talk about it?" He asks, sounding betrayed.

"No, Ashton wasn't there."

"Did Ashton not go? He seemed keen on never missing a day," he asks confused.

"I, uh, sort of kicked him out. He waited in the car until Mikey and I were finished talking," I say filled with regret. I shouldn't take this out on Ashton. It's not his fault I fell for him.

"Why'd you do that?" he asks curiously.

"I don't want to talk about it," I shut him down. "Are you willing to talk about the Michael thing though?" I ask him.

He sighs, and doesn't answer for a while. He probably won't tell me. If I'm not willing to open up, why would he?

"I don't want to because you're going through so much already," he admits.

"Cal, I'm not made of glass. You can tell me things," I tell him sincerely.

There's another long pause before he's speaking up again. "Okay. I, uh, oh god," he mutters to himself, "I like girls, okay? Girls are wonderful. But... I think I might like guys as well," he says shyly.

Although I was expecting him to say something along those lines, my jaw still drops from the little shock I do feel. The emotion I feel the most is pride though; I can feel the pride coursing through me.

"I'm really happy you've found who you are Cally," I say sincerely.

"Don't call me Cally you loser," he says teasingly, "but thank you. I've been wondering for a while, and kissing Mikey finally confirmed it for me."

"Do you like Michael?" I ask him.

He sighs. "I don't know, I mean I don't think so? It was nice to kiss him but he's basically my brother. I can't see him as anything other than a friend."

My pride is still shining just as bright as before, astounded how he seems okay with it all, which I can't be for myself. I wish I could be more like Cal.

"I'm really proud of you mate," I tell him again. He laughs over the phone and it reminds me of how much I miss hanging out with my friends outside of the treatment center for an hour every other day.

I hear Calum's mum over the phone, quiet enough that I can't make out the words. Then he says, "hey, I gotta go, it's dinner."

"What are you going to do about Mike?" I ask quickly.

He sighs, "it'll be really awkward but I'll talk to him soon."

"Don't wait too long," I say.

"Will do. Talk to you later Luke," he says, and I hang up.

The rest of visiting hour is spent colouring a colouring page in my room. I need the time to be alone, to think to myself.

Ashton. I like Ashton. Why didn't I see this coming? I've never really liked girls all that much, never wanted a relationship with them. I've always known I liked guys in the back of my mind but I tried my hardest not to believe it. That seems impossible now with the realization that I like Ashton.

I wonder what it would be like to have a relationship with Ashton. Bet it would be great.

No, no. Maybe it doesn't have to be this way. Maybe I can forget about my crush on Ash. I'll find a nice girl and go out with her instead.

Though I would never be truly happy that way.

But when was the last time I felt truly happy?