"Hello Luke, I'm Kevin Maller, a specialist in eating disorders. How are you feeling?"

"I feel like I want people to stop asking me how I'm feeling," I reply in a frustrated tone.

He nods and chuckles a bit. What's with everyone chuckling? Does this seem like a situation that's full of humor? I grit my teeth further. I'm in the mood for any of this. I'm pulled to ask what's so funny? but decide against it.

"I'm here to assess you," he tells me, "to see the severity of your eating disorder and if there are any underlying disorders we need to bring to light."

"Sounds fun," I say sarcastically.

He sighs. "For this to work, you have to be open and honest. Can you do that for me?" he asks.

Now it's my turn to sigh. "I mean, what else do I have to lose? I'm already in the hospital," I say truthfully. Really, what do I have to lose? Nothing. Everyone knows my secret, I'm laying in a hospital bed where calories are being forced into me... I've really lost all control.

I voice my thoughts to Kevin, hoping he'll have some insight. Maybe it's time to reach out for help.

"What do you mean when you say you've lost all control?" he asks.

"I can't determine the amount of calories I can have, and I can't exercise with this tube in me," I tell him.

He rubs his arm before responding. "You see that as control, but are you really in control of the calories you decide to eat, the amount of exercise you do? Are you sure that's not your eating disorder?"

I lay still for a moment, no longer fidgeting with the cover laying on top of me. I'm pretty sure I'm in control. But if I was in control, would I be this miserable? I've viewed dying as being easier than continuing on like this but... I just can't stop. I can't stop limiting the calories I eat. I can't stop the want and need to lose weight.

That doesn't sound like control to me.

"Maybe you're right...," I say to him quietly. My mind decides to fight back viciously though. This is what you want. You want to lose weight. You want to not eat. This is what you've been working for. This is all yours, it's in your control.

I hold my hands to my head, wanting the conflicting thoughts to stop.

"Let's talk about your eating disorder, from the beginning," Kevin asks me. I'm glad he's asking me a question, I could use a distraction. Even if it has to do with my "eating disorder".

I tell him everything, because really, what do I have to lose now? I tell him how it started out as trying to be healthier, which turned into a small diet, which spiralled into something I could have never seen coming. He nods while writing things down on his clipboard.

"And why did you decide to eat healthier in the beginning?" he asks me. Which gets me thinking, why? It wasn't like I felt fat before, but maybe I did? It was such a long time ago from now that I don't even remember.

"I mean, I may have felt fat back then, but I really don't remember; it was such a long time ago." He nods again, scribbling things down on his clipboard.

Suddenly remembering something, I speak up. "Actually, I think this all started because I weighed myself and it was too much. Yeah, I remember now," I say, voicing my thoughts out loud, "I weighed 87 kilograms and it was too much. I gained four kilograms in four months to get me to 87 kilograms and I told myself I had to do something about it."

He looks confused before asking me, "Did you always weigh yourself, before the disorder appeared?" I cringe at the word disorder, still not use to it yet.

"There's a scale in our bathroom. I'd check it once every few months just because it's there," I say shrugging.

Kevin asks me a handful of questions for the next hour, a lot about my disordered thinking, and a lot pertaining to sadness as well. Turns out I'm pretty depressed, because he tells me I have clinical depression and that through therapy, and medication if needed, we can work on it.

He also tells me I'm suffering from Anorexia Nervosa. Everyone knows that people with anorexia don't eat, but he said that specifically, anorexia nervosa is characterized by a low body weight, intense fear of gaining weight, and a distorted perception of body weight. People with anorexia nervosa will restrict the amount of food they eat, sometimes controlling their intake by purging or misusing diet aids and laxatives. They may also try to lose weight by exercising excessively.

Well... if that isn't me...

"Alright Luke, I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Try to stay positive," he smiles at me, and I try to smile back.

Then he exits, which leaves me alone for the time being.

Depression? That's not too much of a shock to me. I've felt down for no reason for a while. I didn't even think to put a name on my sadness. Kevin and I found out that my depression has been here before the eating disorder, and may have contributed to it. Which makes sense. We also found out that my depression has been here for a while now, years to be more exact. It started right before the band was formed. The reason why it appeared is still unknown to me.

Kevin also asked if I've had suicidal thoughts recently, which, I have. But I made it clear to him that they were just thoughts and I have no plan on doing anything, that I'm too afraid to. That may not be the complete truth but... better safe than sorry. So what if I've thought in depth about how I would kill myself, or that I'm not that afraid to die anymore. Maybe if I was honest he could have helped me. He didn't seem to freak out when I told him I've had suicidal thoughts. He didn't say I need to be watched or anything. Maybe he actually understands what it's like.

I'd hope he understands, isn't that part of the job description?

Just then, there's a knock at the door. Before I can reply, the door is swinging open, Calum walking in followed by Ashton and Michael. I didn't even know they were here.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask them, confused.

"We followed your parents here. We were worried," Calum says, speaking up.

"Well, if my therapist isn't worried about me, neither should any of you," I tell them, remembering how calm Kevin was a few minutes ago. I was attempting to lighten the mood, but it didn't exactly work.

"What did she say specifically? I mean, only if you're comfortable sharing," Ashton asks cautiously. I sigh, deciding to divulge the details of our session.

"He. And, well, I have clinical depression and anorexia, which is ridiculous because," should I really indulge them with these thoughts from my mind? I look to all three of them, Ashton and Michael sitting in the chairs my parents were sitting in previously, and Calum sitting on the empty hospital bed to the right of me. They look concerned with my pause of words.

They're my best friends though, and I need to tell someone. The only other option until tomorrows session with Kevin is my parents.

I continue, taking a deep breath, "because girls are anorexic, not guys. But so much of what Kevin said fits me so well. The restricting, the exercising, the fear of gaining weight... it's all me!" I yell.

"Well," Michael speaks, "I don't think things like this pertain to any one gender. That's like saying only girls can get cancer."

"Mikey's right, disorders aren't gender specific. Anyone can have anorexia, not just girls," Ashton says.

"How do you know? Have you met any guy who's anorexic?" I argue at him.

"I've been doing research," Ashton says sheepishly. "I think the fact was something like, for every four girls with anorexia, there's one boy with it."

He's been researching? "Why have you been researching this stuff?" I ask him.

Another sheepish look is given before Ashton says, "I want to understand what you're going through."

"Dad, educate us, were clueless!" Calum whines, which doesn't fail to make me laugh. Even during hard times, I can rely on my friends to cheer me up.

"Later," Ashton giggles to Calum, thinking he was serious. Maybe he was, maybe the other two want to know more about what I'm going through. The thought warms my heart.

"Thanks for caring so much guys. This isn't easy," I tell them, shaking my head, "and with you guys here, it seems easier."

"We'll be here with you through it all Luke, no matter what. We aren't leaving when you need us the most," Michael says, making my mouth hurt from smiling so wide.

At least I don't feel as alone as I did before.