Living a life of constant change
Every day means the turn of a page
Yesterdays papers are such bad news
Same thing applies to me and you
*

"So you're dating this deranged guitarist from the Rolling Stones?"

I sighed. I had suspected they would find out that I was dating Brian with the paper full of it and still a part of me had hoped they had overlooked it perhaps, especially Oliver. Mrs Reed would have maybe finally given upon pushing Edgar on me, but Oliver would just use it to annoy me and I certainly didn't need that after the last few days. Taking a small break definitely had been the right decision. I had even finally found some time to visit Marry and return the signed record to Mr. Evan. It was odd to see him again, especially seeing he had hired somebody new. I missed working there and it felt like he had just moved on without any care. Of course I couldn't blame him for it, he had a business to lead and still it hurt to see how easily I could be replaced. At least visiting Mary had raised my spirits a bit, even though there was something that unnerved me. I could hardly tell her she would get pregnant sometime in the near future, but not saying anything when she had been so unhappy about it seemed wrong as well...

Even though I couldn't understand why, she was still dating Ben and apparently was happy with him. He still threated her like she was the most precious thing for him and I suppose it had grown on her. He might not be what she had imagined, but we never get what we wished for anyway and Ben loved her. It probably was enough for her at the moment. Mary didn't talk about it and nowadays she seemed to be more occupied with my problems than hers, but I knew her long enough to see that she struggled too. At first it had been hard because this life had been new to her and now that she slowly got the hang of it, I think she realised that it wasn't as easy as she had expected it to be.

I had finally talked to Brian about the flat and after a longer discussion he had agreed to my plea to no longer pay the rent. It had been wrong from the start to accept it, but I had needed that security. Now that we were more than two people brought together by fate, taking his money seemed dirty. I didn't need Brian to pay for me nor did I want that. It might have been an unusual thought, but it seemed wrong to me to rely on Brian for the money, when I could work too. Even though there was nothing I wanted more than to be a housewife, lead a normal life and be like everybody else, relying on a man to bring money home sounded stupid to me or maybe it simple was because I hadn't been raised that way.

Mary, on the other hand had a very different opinion. She didn't see what was wrong with taking Brian's money, when he had enough of it, so she was not very happy to hear that Brian wouldn't pay anymore. It surprised me that she had relied so much on him, but I soon found out why. I had expected her to save her money and put it aside for the future, because that's what you did when you had no money. Mary however had never been in any financial troubles and was used to spend it as she liked. In short she lived beyond her means and needed Brian to pay her rent.

So I decided to pay it until July, telling her simply Brian changed his mind. I didn't want her to suffer nor did I want to ask Brian for money. This gave her at least some time and I supposed I no longer needed my money anyway, if the voice was to be believed, either because I was dead or because I had inherited Brian's...

I had no idea what to do about that and I doubted I would find an answer... Maybe it really was the best to put it up to fate and just spend whoever's last months it were happy. To live and forget about death, even if it sounded horrible wrong to me.

At least there was like always so many different things going on that I indeed got the whole vision and death matter of my mind for a bit. Mary had been right when she said Brian had ignored the reports far too long and there were now a million rumours going around. Thereby everything had started so simple, I was only Brian's new girl. There was nothing more interesting to say about me at that point. Nobody knew my name nor did they really care about me, because they thought I was just a fling, but then some bad talk came up after their show in December, because Brian had hit John Lennon. Most put it down as some stupid band rivalry thing, but apparently there was a rumour that John had crossed a line with me and Brian had felt the need to put John back into his place. Nothing came out of it though, after the 11th Brian had been spotted a few times on his own and everyone had expected that he had moved on again, but then in the New Year a girl turned up claiming Brian had romantically feelings for Charlie Watts. Luckily for both of them that rumour never made it really big, not even the reporters seemed to buy that, especially when a different story caught their attention. Looking back, I'm indeed astonished how I had missed so much, especially the engagement thing. Apparently getting someone like Brian, who had a girl in every port to settle down was a miracle and suddenly there was a huge need to talk to me. Me, the woman who had done the impossible, but neither I nor Brian were to be found, which only seemed to add to this craze. Talks about secret marriage and an escape were made. It actually was kind of impressive what people could interpret into something, but I couldn't blame them this sounded better than the reality.

At least for some time, then there was the story with my supposedly affair with Keith and Brian's and our absence was suddenly no longer a romantic gesture, but a break up. It really was a mess and things only went downhill from there. Brian's and my scene outside Mary's flat had not been unobserved. A neighbour caught the whole thing and had nothing better to do than sell the whole thing to the press including a picture of us kissing. Of course after so much drama, even I who had seemed so uninteresting at the beginning was worth to have a closer look at, especially when they now had thanks to my neighbour my full name. I still had no idea how they had found out all the details about my life, but they had and of course that was worth another headline.

It took Mary nearly two hours on the phone to give me the whole story. It was impressive how she had read and even bothered to remember everything. I couldn't understand that at all, but apparently it was amusing to read, according to her, even though she was kind of mad at them for making me out to be some nutcase and well she was mad at me too for never telling her about my past in the first place. It was kind of odd that now everyone knew about my life and I felt like they were looking at me differently, even Brian was. There was pity in his eyes and it hurt. I didn't want to be pitied or to be treated like I could break every minute. I was stronger than that.

Even if I was really thankful for Brian's help during the interview. It had been such a foreign experience for me and it made me awfully nervous. Throughout the whole thing Brian had his arm around me and with his other hand was holding my hand. Even though I found it odd that touching somebody could even reassure me, but it did. I still felt nervous, but not alone and I think Brian felt the same way. I knew some questions had to be difficult for him, however he stayed calm and somehow we managed to survive it with hopefully clearing up most. Well at least we tried, it had surprised me a tad that Brian had even bothered too. He had never given me the impression that he liked to talk about his problems, at least not that openly, but maybe it was just me. Brian and I hadn't had the best start and there was still so much about him that I didn't get. When I asked him about it, all he said was that he didn't mind them writing shit about him anymore, he was used to it, but they shouldn't have done the same to me. I hadn't earned that.

Brian could be really sweet if he wanted too and those were the moments it hurt to think about the future or rather our lack of one. Fighting with him made it easier to forget, maybe that's why we argued so much, because it was easier than accepting that everything would soon be over.

"Oliver, let her be. That's her business," Mrs Reed said, yanking me finally out of my thoughts. I had probably been off for 5 whole minutes, I hadn't even realised she was here as well. "If she is stupid enough to fall for somebody like that, she has to live with the consequences as well, but if you want my opinion, Charlie you should leave him and look for a decent husband. These musicians are definitely not marriage materiel and especially in your case you should look for somebody you can trust."

I bid my lip. The especially in your case bit irritated me, I maybe didn't have the best childhood, but it was low of her to point it out.

"A good home and a secure future, that's what a woman like yourself needs and not such a fickle man, who'll drop you when something more worthwhile crosses his path and who knows with all the things they do, that he won't end up in prison or even dead? Believe me, it would be the best to leave him now, before he gets you pregnant and you'll never find a man. "

"I- excuse me, I think I still feel a bit sick, I just need a moment," I said and practically run off. It was cowardly of me, but I couldn't listen to her anymore. I had enough of people, voices or whatever barging into my life and telling me what to do and what not. How could I just live my life when everyone urged me to think about the future?

The bathroom probably wasn't the best hiding place, but it was currently my best choice. I splashed some water on my face hoping it would calm down, even if something to drink would have definitely been a better option.

"I'm sorry for my mother."

I yelled out in surprise at the sudden sound of the voice and jumped out of shock right into Edgar, who was standing next to me. Old. Hospital. Death.

"Sorry the door was open and I thought you had heard me...I didn't mean to scare you," he said and I realised he was holding me by the shoulders.

"It's fine... ehh could you let me go please?"

"Sure." He mumbled, blushing and indeed let me go. "I-I My mother always gets involved in things she should stay out of, it's nothing personal against you or your boyfriend. She just wants to help, but she never knows when to stop."

"It's okay..." I mumbled, unsure who was more embarrassed he or I.

"I-I'm not too good at this." He laughed awkwardly. "Eh... I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what happened to you... they didn't have the right to call you these things without knowing you. I might not know you for that long, but I can't say you're unstable in any way."

"Thank you Edgar. That's nice of you..." I said smiling.

He nodded and was off again. He was indeed nice and I wondered why he really wasn't married yet. Mrs Reed must have been trying for some time now and beside that he was shy, I couldn't see what should be wrong with him. She was probably right with him being proper marriage material. Did his job really scare people off? Or maybe it was more his mother I thought. I can't imagine anyone would want to put up with her for too long, but she would be gone in 3 months and maybe Edgar would finally manage to find a woman he liked. I hoped he would, he definitely earned somebody who loved him.

The rest of the day and even the rest of the week was spend in peace. Oliver and Mrs Reed let me be and work wasn't as bad and my idea of leaving my job seemed stupid now. Losing my head over this wouldn't help me nor Brian, all I could do was to try everything to proof the visions wrong. There had to be a way, we couldn't give up like this or rather I couldn't. Brian still didn't know about anything, except for the few things I had told him. He hadn't even asked anymore, he probably didn't want to upset me and like always there were so many things coming in between, but some distance from it was maybe good.

Brian had even suggested a small holiday. He hadn't been away in forever and apparently it wasn't acceptable that I had never been anywhere, according to him. It was a nice thought, but I didn't feel good with it. Leaving seemed wrong somehow or maybe I was only scared because I had never been away. I wasn't sure, we wanted to discuss it over dinner, but I never got that far.

"Is it just me or does this guy, you work with look a lot like Brian?" Mary greeted me when I was about to leave. She had been waiting in the entrance obviously for some time and had met the others, or at least one of them. I had no idea why she was here or who she had even meant with that comment. Neither Edgar nor Oliver looked anything like Brian.

"What?" I exclaimed confused.

"I mean he needed to colour his hair blond and get a different cut, change his clothes and definitely stop to act like the awkwardness in person and they could be brothers," she replied shrugging and opened the door for me.

I just frowned at her. She had to mean Edgar, but I still couldn't see what she meant. He surely didn't look like Brian at all or maybe it had slipped my mind. The death of a person was always what made the difference to me, not their appearance, but Mary had more of an eye for such things anyway.

"I'm surprised you haven't jumped at him yet," she added.

I frowned. "Why should I?"

She smiled. "He has to be the perfect guy for you. I mean he looks like a serious and boring version of Brian. If I were you, I would definitely try to keep the guy close. You never know when you could need him. Well let's go," she said and urged me to go through the still open door. I sighed and did her the favour.

"I have Brian," I said as I passed her.

"Yes I know and I get it you two love each other very much, but you can't tell me that this together not together thing is fun or is that some strange sex thing between you two? He throws you out, then you fight only to have some hot make up sex in the end? If it is, please tell me about it beforehand, then I won't come home if you're making up with him. I don't want a replay of last time," she replied and closed the door behind her.

"I'm sorry for that..." I mumbled awkwardly.

Mary on the other hand was visibly amused by my embarrassment. "Was it at least good?"

"Mary!"

She started to laugh. "Sorry, I'm just curious. He has such a bad reputation and I just wonder what you did to wrap him around your little finger. It's nearly like you bewitched him, if you did, couldn't you have done the same thing to help me? It's unfair that you're the only one with the rich boyfriend."

"You have Ben," I replied sighing.

For a moment we just stood before the parlour without a word exchanged between us. Mary's amusement was replaced by worry and something else. There clearly was more on her mind and I started to suspect her visit hadn't just been a try to get me to go out with her. I had neglected her a bit in favour of Brian, but even though I suspected it was wrong of me, he seemed so more important than her.

"Yeah... I do," she finally replied. Her voice hardly more than a whisper.

"Mary? What is wrong?"

She was biting her lip and whatever it was that occupied her, it wasn't something she could voice easily. She visibly struggled, before she took a deep breath. "You need to go to the doctor with me..."

I tensed up. "You think you're pregnant?"

Mary was surprised for a moment and I realised how stupid of me it had to be to blurt that out. I should have asked why and not just jump to conclusions, especially when they probably seemed illogical for everyone else. People went all the time to a doctor, not only because they thought they were pregnant.

"I'm not sure and I don't want to go through this alone..."

I sighed. "You could have asked Ben."

Again there was this uncertainty on her face. "That is the problem. I didn't sleep with Ben until 3 weeks ago and I think I already felt sick by then..."

"No... Who?"

"You know who..." She mumbled and I felt my stomach turn. "Can you please just come with me? I'm getting the results today and I don't want to be alone then..."

"Of course I go with you," I replied and tried to smile encouraging at her, but it probably looked like a grimace. I knew how this was going to end and I didn't want to live through it again. The vision had been bad enough and the real life version of it could only be a million times worse.

Mary returned my smile. "Thank you Charlie, maybe the doctor should have a look at you too, just to make sure. I wouldn't trust Brian."

My eyes widened in surprise or in fear, I wasn't sure. I might have said that I wanted a family, but that didn't mean so fast and it scared me. Obviously I had to get pregnant at one point, if the vision with the boy was true, but now? Brian and I had only been intimate a couple of times and the first one was hardly a month ago. I just couldn't be... But the vision... If the child was Brian's, then I had to get pregnant sometime during the next few months... Before one of us died and an awful thought crossed my mind.

"Oh yes, if you die, your child will too and for what? To make Brian feel guilty? I told you, his death is the only solution you have."

I trembled. Most of the time the voice was silent, but it always crawled back in to remind me about something I tried to ignore. I seriously wished I had never seen the future.

"Charlie? Are you okay?" I heard Mary ask.

"I-I I'm fine..."

"Why are you crying then?" she said and it surprised me that I was. I thought I had finally moved on from that. "Don't tell me you're scared that Brian would leave you then? He loves you and if not you could always run off to your Brian copy or we both figure something out together."

I knew she meant well, but Brian leaving me was currently my least problem and I just hugged her, because I had nothing else to say and it seemed right in that moment. Old. Death. Heart attack. Pain. Death. 2 visions after each other.... She had to be pregnant, there was no other option.

It was rather cold, but neither her nor I seemed to mind it one bit. Instead it felt good to be so close to somebody, somebody I could always count on and somebody that would still be here in a few months.

The ride to the doctor and even the time we spend in the waiting room, was spend with only a few words shared between us, even though Mary tried to be brave I could see how horrible nervous she was and I doubted that this awful silence was helping, but there was nothing I could have said or done to make this any better. Not when I knew what we were going to be told.

It was horrible. Mary cried when she got the news and I was rooted to the spot by fear like I had in the vision, but how could I comfort her when I felt so helpless myself? Again I simply hugged her. She returned it, sobbing and I felt like crying too, even if I had no idea why exactly. Everything hurt so much. There was so much pain and I could do nothing against it.

Gladly, Mary soon caught herself again and asked the doctor to have a look at me. It just went by me, I nearly felt like I was in some kind of trance or vision or like I was just watching a movie. This wasn't happening to me, it couldn't be or at least I hoped so... I was so out that I hadn't even realised how the doctor would die. He had touched me, but whatever place I had decided to hid inside my mind, apparently was immune to visions.

"If you're pregnant too, our children could grow up being best friends," Mary tried to lift the mood, when we left and I realised how shit I had acted towards her. She probably was pregnant with somebody's child she didn't love and had no tie with and all I could do was worry about my own problems. Mary needed me to cheer her up and not the other way around.

"I'm sorry... This must be hard on you and I'm being stupid. I-"

"No it's okay," she interrupted me. "This is my fault, not yours and I don't want you to feel bad for it... Maybe this isn't so bad... I mean I don't want it, but what other choices do I have now? Maybe Ben forgives me and we have a future together. I know you don't like him, but he's really a good person."

And finally I remembered something I had ignored, which actually would have been good news for once. The wedding. Ben had to forgive her and even ask her to marry him. She was right I didn't like him, but at least he would do the right thing.

"I just don't know how to tell him..." She mumbled, casting her eyes to the ground.

"You could come home with me and we could talk about it," I offered.

She looked up with a small smile on her lips. "I would love to, but I doubt Brian would want me to. He doesn't like me and me being pregnant probably doesn't raise his opinion on me."

"But you're my friend and Brian has to accept that."

"Thanks Charlie," she said smiling.

Brian was indeed not happy about Mary's sudden visit and that I had missed our dinner without any explanation at all. He thought it was just again some stupid excuse of me to escape a conversation I didn't want to have and push him away. Naturally we argued until Mary yelled at him to shut up and told him it was her fault not mine. Brian was clearly angry and run off. I could understand that he was mad at me, because I hadn't informed him, but to the degree he just run off? No. It was just a dinner and for once we didn't have anything important to talk about. A travel could hardly be worth that much stress, but maybe I had overlooked something again.

I used to overanalyse everything and nowadays I felt like I hardly caught anything that was going around me anymore. I probably had reached my limit or maybe I already had a long time ago and it was only finally catching up.

Mary, no matter how sad the circumstances were, was another great distraction for my fear of the future, but maybe that was exactly what I was supposed to do. Instead of living in constant fear of what would be, I should try to deal with the present and actually help the people I loved.

The future would come, if I worried about it or not.

Thanks for reading, voting and commenting!🍷🍷🍷

And I'm so sorry that the last previews were kind of wrong, but I'm currently rewriting most of the future chapters and because I'm really busy, it's sadly not exactly working out the way I want it to... 

Well at least this time it should be correct.

Preview:

I think Brian finally started to fully open up to me. I can't explain why I exactly thought that, but the way he talked to me and let me in on things, made me feel closer to him in a way. Closer than I had been to anyone before and I think I started to see what Brian had meant when he said that he thought we were similar.

We were, even if it had taken me very long to realise it.

Our life's might have been different, but at the end of a day we both just wanted to be with somebody we could trust and be ourselves with.