You're dead and then we're in
'Cause we love you
We love you.
Of course, we do

*

A.N. : This chapter will prbly make you like me even less. Sorry~

Keith sat next to me on Brian's couch smiling just like he had before, but this time he had a child on his lap. A boy, who was chuckling and looking very happy at whatever it was that was going on. Keith pulled faces and he only laughed more, even I had to smile. Keith looked so natural with the child and I wondered if it was perhaps his son, but no matter how I hard I looked, I couldn't spot any similarity between them. The child reminded me of somebody else and a dreadful thought started to unfold in my head. I knew there were more people with that hair colour or face structures, but the boy looked so much like my brother... It couldn't just be a coincidence. The boy had to be related to me, but that was impossible... I mean I didn't want children nor had I- except with Brian. Was this perhaps our son? It had to be... But how? Didn't I die? I had to survive then... There was no other way.

The boy reached out for me to hug me and I happily did. It was odd I had no memories and still I knew that I loved him very much. I kissed his head and I think I heard him say 'I love you, mummy'. I wasn't sure which version of me was moved to tears, but all my life I had just wanted something normal and here it was. I had a family or at least a son... And I wondered what had happened to Brian. We were in his home, but there was no trace of him, there was only Keith. He looked good, his hair was longer and it suited him. He was smiling at me and I felt myself return it. It couldn't be that I was with Keith, could it? I surely wouldn't have left Brian, but maybe he had left me... Still why were we at his home then? I had to be with Brian, there was no other option.

I had hardly blinked, but the scenery before my eyes had changed so much in that little moment. Keith was gone and Brian had taken his place. We were outside in his garden and it was spring or early summer, I wasn't sure but the weather seemed better. Brian had his arm around me and it felt so good, so peaceful. The sun was shining, Brian was smiling and everything seemed perfect. I nearly wished I could have stayed in this moment forever, but I hardly had the thought, when my mind was off again.

It was dark and I was alone or I at least thought so until I felt a hand on my arm. Hospital. Sick. Death. (date) 1993. I pulled my arm immediately away and told whoever it was to let me go, I think. I seemed to know him or I did at least then. I couldn't recall anyone with that death date though. Maybe I hadn't met him yet and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to. He grabbed me again with the same result. I clearly felt unwell with him in my presence, even though I didn't know why. Who was he? Before I could however get another clue, my vision changed again.

I was in Keith's bedroom and I would have yelled out if I could. This couldn't be true, I told myself, but it was hard denying it when I was naked with Keith in his bed, but why? I would never cheat on Brian... I felt a huge sadness in me, guilt perhaps? I wasn't sure... It was so confusing and to my shame at the same time it felt so good. Keith was kissing me and I returned it nearly urgently. I wanted to stop, I really wanted to, but the vision me had other plans and all I could do was hope to be in a different one soon.

Again I was feeling awful, but at least Keith was gone. I still couldn't believe that I had or would do that. There had to be a reason for it, a very good one... There just had to be. A horrible feeling in my stomach yanked me out of my thoughts, I felt like I needed to vomit, but I gladly didn't. However, it made me finally concentrate on the vision I was currently in. It looked like I was in a doctor's office, but this time alone. There was no trace of Mary and I wondered what I was doing here on my own. There wasn't much to help me figure out it though, the doctor was talking and I couldn't hear a word. All I caught was his name Dr. Moore marked on the nameplate on his table, before the vision changed anew.

Brian's living room. Keith again and so much anger and pain. I was yelling at somebody. A man, I no idea who he was or what this was about, but I just wanted him gone. He didn't seem to share my opinion though; he was clearly enraged too. Keith was trying to get us calm down, but it was in vain. We both were too mad. I couldn't hear what we were talking about, but I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. Then he shoved me. It wasn't much, but enough to get Keith to finally throw him out.

The boy again, he seemed older than in my first vision. Maybe 5 or 6 and he was drawing something, I seemed to be cooking and at this point I didn't even question it. He said something and I walked over to look at his drawing. It was a typical children picture. A house, a garden, the sun and two people before it. I supposed it was meant to be him and me and I wondered for what felt like the millionth time where Brian was. If he had indeed left me because I had been pregnant why was I in his house? He had to be here too, but the drawing and everything else... There was another option, but I didn't want to think about it.

I was on a cemetery and I was wearing black, at first glance it seemed so common. I had no idea how many times I had been on one in my life and except for three times it had never meant much to me, but the clothes weren't something from my usual working attire and I started to have a very bad feeling about it or I already did, I wasn't sure. I felt numb and empty in a way, it was hard to tell. Suddenly I felt an arm around my shoulder and I looked up. For a second I wondered why there had been no vision, I felt like I should know why, but I couldn't recall anything. My mind was empty.

Keith was next to me in a suit, it seemed somehow wrong on him, too formal. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. I looked over to the grave, we were standing closest to, only to confirm my horrible suspicion. Brian Jones 28.02.1942-03.07.1969

He had died.

"You can't cheat death; it always finds its way. One way or another."

It was dark and I couldn't see a thing, but I recognised the voice from yesterday, even though I still had no idea who it belonged to.

"Who are you?" I asked and turned around to find out where the sound was coming from but there was just darkness all around me and not a trace of somebody else.

"I am you or well the part you want to ignore, or you would never have agreed to help Brian."

"I have no idea what you're talking about..." I replied still trying to figure out the source of the voice, but it seemed impossible and it scared me. These visions, this voice and everything else, why couldn't something be easy for once?

"Really? You can't be that ignorant, can you? Everything could have been easy if you had stayed away like you always did. Do you really think you can save him? Think about how your gift works. What happened whenever you tried to interfere with death before?" The voice asked nearly mockingly.

I bid my lip. I exactly knew what the voice was trying to tell me. The few times I had tried to change something it had always ended bad for someone, there never had been a real happy end. I had tried to save my mother and had killed my brother in the process, causing her pain and misery, which resulted in her suicide. I sometimes wondered if it hadn't been better if I had let her die instead of my brother... He could have had a normal life and I hadn't had to watch my mother slowly fall apart... It might have indeed been better.

"And the stranger, you met on the streets, you got him so paranoid and scared. Don't you think he would have been happier not knowing about his fate?" It whispered in my ear. I looked over my shoulder, but there still was only darkness and I shuddered.

What really scared me however was the thought that the voice was maybe indeed right and I shouldn't have interfered, but wasn't it at least worth a try? Why else did I have this gift if I couldn't use it? And it had indeed saved someone. Mary's brother.

"You saved him, but to what price? Somebody else died in his place. A husband and father of two girls. I know you're trying to ignore that, but if you hadn't said something Mary's brother would have died and those two girls could have grown up knowing their father. His death and their pain is your fault."

It was true I was ignoring that, but it was easier than adding another name to my list of people I couldn't have saved or had caused pain. It was already too long and even more guilt wouldn't help me. I could just hope that I didn't had to add another one on the 3rd July.

"Don't you see it? You can't run away from death," it repeated, nearly mockingly now. "Brian has to die."

"I-I No Brian's vision changed, there's a way. I saw it! He can survive!"

I nearly thought I heard the voice laugh. "And you saw what that will cost you, but maybe it wasn't clear enough to you, so let me fill you in on some details. Of course Brian can survive, but somebody else will have to die in his place. You."

"No that can't be true!" I exclaimed perplexed.

"Think about it, his vision changed when you offered him a new possibility, didn't it?" the voice whispered. "You were a tool to him, a mean he could use to prevent his own death and then the vision changed back when he confessed his feelings to you. Of course he can't let you die anymore, when he loves you so much. He-"

"No, it changed with his moods." I yelled out, interrupting the voice. "You're wrong, whenever he had a good moment it was the Hospital vision and then-"

"His moods or his feelings? Do you think it was easy for him to understand why he felt so attracted to you? Or for you to admit to yourself that you love him? He denied it to himself for the longest too, that's why his vision so suddenly changed and were mixed, because he couldn't make up his mind. Look at the whole picture, Charlie. Something like this never happened and do you know why? Because your fate has never been intervened with somebody else's before."

"No, No, No! You're just trying to poison my thoughts!" I mumbled and childishly put my fingers in my ears to blend out the voice. I didn't want to heard any more of this, it couldn't be true.

"I'm trying to help you. Somebody has to die on the 3rd July and you saw your options. It's either you or him," I still heard it say.

"Then I will!" I yelled out. I hadn't thought about it and had just said what I felt like, but the moment the words had left my lips I was already regretting them. Did I really want to die for Brian? I loved him and surely didn't want him to die, but giving up my own life for him was a whole different matter. I didn't want to die, but neither did I want him too. Did I really had to choose between these two options? It seemed horribly cruel.

"Actually your choice should be easy, especially when you saw your future, but maybe it wasn't clear enough to you, so again let me fill you in on some details. You can die and spend your last months with Brian, leaving him then on his own again in misery, totally guilty and unhappy, but he's alive. Well he is until he dies at 55 after some more or less painful years. He tells you to stay away from alcohol, but he should really take onto his own advice. A cirrhosis is no pretty death... Or you let him die in 4 months and you'll get the future you'll always wanted. Marriage, a child, a house, a total normal life. Brian loses in both scenarios, but you can only win. So let him die."

"I couldn't do that to him! I love Brian, I don't want-"

"Anybody else?" the voice interrupted me. "I know and that's exactly why this is so perfect. He'll marry you, didn't he say so yesterday? Didn't you wonder why you were in his house even though he was not there? It's because it's yours, you inherited it. You will never have to worry about a thing again and can live your life in peace."

"No I don't-"

"Face the truth, Charlie. Brian has to die, it's the best for you both. He'll be rid of his misery and you can have some normality."

I felt my body starting to tremble and I blinked the tears away that we're threatening to fall from my eyes. This couldn't be the only solution, just no. I didn't want to accept it, but deep down somewhere I knew the voice was right, still I had to ask.

"Is there no other way?"

The darkness lifted in a way. It was still dark, but I was able to recognise at least some blurred shapes. I had no idea what was wrong with my vision, but I had a very strong suspicious. I felt drunk and immensely sad. I stumbled around, apparently with no clear destination in mind until I stopped on a bridge when I saw a figure there sitting on the rail. She had her back to me, but I didn't need to see her face to know who it was. I felt guilt flow through me, even if I had no idea why. I was just so guilty and unhappy... It was horrible. Whatever this was it couldn't happen.

"Charlie..." I mumbled, but it wasn't my voice, it was Brian's. He sounded so sad, that my heart ached or maybe his did too. Even though he had to be really drunk, I mean I hadn't even recognised that I wasn't in my body for this vision, there was no numbness. Why was Brian in so much pain? What had happened to him?

The rail me turned her face to me or rather towards Brian and she was smiling. My heart leaped. It was odd seeing myself from his view and feeling what he felt, especially when it was so much pain and anger.

"You lied! You promised you wouldn't leave me!" Brian yelled, but I kept on smiling and soon his anger turned back to sadness and guilt. He stepped closer to reach out to touch me, but I disappeared into thin air. He took another step towards the railing and starred down at the water. Again the vision me was standing next to him smiling. I looked so at ease and Brian felt even worse.

"I'm so sorry..." he mumbled and I started to have a very dreadful suspicion, he wouldn't... Would he? "I mess everything up... I should be dead, not you," he sobbed and I just wished to get out of this vision very badly. Seeing him like this, feeling every bit of his emotions was torture and I didn't want to see how this ended, but there was nothing I could do. The last thing I heard was somebody yell out when Brian fell. Water. Suffocating. Death. 17081969

"Charlie? Shhh it was only a dream."

Brian.

His face was right before mine and I wondered what cruel vision this would be now. He looked so worried and I just felt awful. Seeing his grave had been hard, but it was nothing compared to seeing him die... Killing himself.

I think I had never cried so much in my whole life than I had in the last 24 hours and I doubted I would stop anytime soon. It hurt so much. My head and my stomach did too, but the physical pain was something I could deal with. I had expected that this wouldn't take a happy ending, but I had at least hoped we would both be alive... Only to have this hope cruelly crushed. One of us had to die or maybe even we both...

Brian pulled me up in a sitting position and hugged me properly. I think he was mumbling something too, but I felt too lost to listen to him. My mind seemed blank and at the same time it was filled with a million thoughts. It scared me so much and I had no idea what to do about it or if I could even do something. In four months one of us would be dead and the other had to live with the consequences. No matter how much I hated to admit it my outcome did indeed look better than Brian's, but was that reason enough not to try to save him? Probably not and it surely wasn't enough to live with that guilt for the rest of my life...

My stomach felt sick and I jumped out of bed to run off to the bathroom. My head was dizzy and I nearly feared I would fall, but even I could be lucky once in a while and made it in time before I had to empty my stomach or lost my conscience.

I couldn't remember the last time I had had to vomit, but it seemed now to catch all up with me. I probably had emptied my stomach completely and still I felt so sick. It really hurt, but I nearly was thankful for it, because it got my thoughts away from the future and death for a moment.

"I told you, you shouldn't have done this." I looked up when I heard his voice. Brian was leaning on the doorframe of the bathroom, looking tired and worried. I hadn't exactly expected him to turn up, me vomiting surely couldn't be something he wanted to witness. On the other hand, telling me 'I told you so' definitely sounded like him.

"Go away," I mumbled. My voice sounded terrible and I had to make a very sad picture anyway. My eyes had to be red from all the crying and for the last half hour my stomach had tried to turn my insides outside.

He sighed. "I'm not leaving you, even though I should be awfully mad at you, because you told Keith about everything and because you had this stupid idea, and still I'm mostly just worried about you. Charlie you nearly spend the whole night crying and you definitely don't look good... ehh... can I do something for you?" The last part was nearly whispered and for some reason he had looked away.

"Are you embarrassed?" I asked curiously.

"I am no exactly used to this..." he mumbled.

"You're not used to somebody you spend the night with, that takes drugs and then feels like shit? To me that sounds like a normal day for you," I replied, regretting it the moment t had left my lips. It just seemed unreal for him to be awkward in such a scenario. This was new to me, but to him it shouldn't have been anything special.

"You really only think the worst of me, don't you? I looked after you the whole damn night, because I couldn't even close my eyes for a second, because I was so worried about you, only to have you push me away in the end? Well then alright, have it your way, I won't bother!" He exclaimed and left.

"Brian! I'm sorry, please don't leave me!" I forced myself to yell out. My throat was dry and everything felt awful from all the vomiting, making me cough like mad, but my stomach had to be definitely empty by now and still I could feel it turning.

"Shhh," I heard Brian mumble and felt his hand gently caress my back. Water. Suffocating. Death. 17081969 and I finally managed to throw up.

"I'm so sorry..." I cried. "For everything. You were right I shouldn't have done this."

Brian took a deep breath. "You saw me die, didn't you?"

"I-I" I mumbled, unsure what to tell him. Should I even? I knew I had to say something, I couldn't just leave him out, but what was I supposed to? One of us has to die? That sounded awful and I wasn't sure if it was for the best. As long as I kept quiet I still had the possibility to choose and not he... It was a horrible thought, but what if he decided to let me die? And I hadn't seen who had pushed me... It even could have been him. I shuddered. Brian surely wouldn't kill me, would he?

"It's either you or him," whispered the voice in my head and my stomach turned again. I wondered how I was even able to still throw up.

"Maybe we should talk about this later..." Brian mumbled. "I'll call your work and ask them if you could take off a few days. You're too late for today anyway."

"Work?" I managed to ask surprised.

Brian started to laugh at my cluelessness. "Don't tell me you forgot about that. I thought your job was the most important thing."

It was or it used to be. I had no idea where my priorities lay right now, but surely not with my job. It even seemed ridiculous now, if I really had only four months left, did I want to spend them working? "Maybe I should leave..."

"Let's not make hasty decisions, Charlie. I ask them for a leave so that you can calm down again and then you'll see what you want to do," he said and patted my back.

"Since when are you so reasonable?"

"Maybe you've been rubbing off on me," Brian replied smiling and kissed my head. "I love you."

He didn't leave me time to reply before he left and again I felt a horrible sensation in my stomach. The voice was wrong, Brian dying was definitely not the best option. I would never forgive myself that, which meant I had only one other choice. I needed to die and prevent him from feeling guilty over it.

I threw up again.

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Preview:

"Brian you can't just leave them, they are your band. I was thinking more something along the lines that you sort your problems out and not this... Please think about it again."

"Maybe, but perhaps I need to start over, have something new on my mind and just get rid of the others. Your vision got me thinking and it doesn't sound so bad. I could do my own things, the music I want and if I really only have a few months left, I want to do what I like to do and not spend hours discussing with people who are fed up with me. My time is too short for that..."