Time is on my side, yes it is
Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need  
*

We didn't talk after it.

I didn't know what it was, but it felt wrong. Too sudden, too fast, simply too unreal. I was still trying to grasp my head around the fact that Brian was even here to begin with and now this. I lay naked in his arms, my head on his chest and my arm around him. He was gently brushing my hair with his fingers and every touch send another wave of insecurity and fear through me. Why had I just gone along? I was supposed to be overthinking everything and not just be led by my feelings, especially not these kind of feelings. Brian had left me for no apparent reason, I had lost my job and overall I had just felt bad... I should have yelled at him and not let him sleep with me, especially not when there still was this small voice telling me that this was all he wanted from me. I wanted to believe that he really loved me, but the voice was stronger and I was silently begging for Brian to say anything to finally break this awkward silence between us, because I surely couldn't.

"We should have done this months ago," Brian mumbled and I felt my stomach turn. Was that really everything he cared about? I wondered and the voice in the back of my head screamed yes. It might have been stupid of me to think that he actually cared about me, but the things he had said and done, had made me belief in something more and now I just felt used and dirty... His hug became tighter and he kissed my forehead, but it only made me sick. "Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?"

I had, but no words left my lips. I was simply too scared of his reaction and remained motionless in his arms, trying very hard not to get emotional. I didn't understand why I felt this need to cry, but it was there and it was very strong. I hated myself for it, I wasn't supposed to get this attached to somebody especially not him and still I had and now it scared me more than anything.

Brian moved from his position on the back to a sideways one to get a better look at me, probably sensing that something was not alright. My head slid off his chest on to the bed in the process and his hand in my hair wandered down to my stomach.

I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn't return his gaze and turned my head away. "What's wrong? I know the sex was a bit rushed, but that's no reason for you not to talk to me."

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry at his words, the way I felt it probably was rather the second option. I blinked the tears away and turned my back toward him as well. "Okay I'm sorry for that too," he said sounding clearly annoyed. "Can you stop the silent treatment now? I can always make it up to you next time," he proposed tenderly stroking my stomach and trailing kisses along my neck. His touch was gentle, but all it did was that it made me feel sicker and sicker.

"Is that all you care about?" I mumbled and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears escaped my eyes and I bid my lip in hope I would at least not make a sound. I didn't want him to see me cry and show him how weak I really was. This was his fault to begin with, I had managed to keep everything in for so long until he had barged into my life and had turned everything around.

"What are you on about now?" His voice sounded confused and he had stopped caressing my stomach. "Of course I care about that, if you start to behave oddly after you sleep with me, what am I supposed to think then? Charlie, just tell me what your problem is instead of this avoiding shit again."

I didn't answer, not only because I was still trying to hide my crying, but I didn't know what to tell him as well. That I felt used? That I didn't like feeling so much for him? That we should have talked instead of sleeping with each other? Or that I was horribly scared by the future? There was so much wrong that I couldn't even tell what my main problem was.

"You can at least look at me if you don't want to talk to me," He said and turned me on my back again. I tried to fight back, but before I had even realised what he was doing, it was already too late and my eyes met his. They widened in surprise and I looked away a new. "Why are you crying?" he asked sounding now rather worried than annoyed, but Brian had to know as well that I wasn't usually overly emotional and that this probably meant there was something more wrong with me than whatever he had suspected.

"You'll leave me, "I sobbed the first thing that came to my mind and Brian let go off me for a second which I used to turn away from him. He was no longer touching me and I felt even worse without his touch, than I had with it. I bid my lip and sniffled my nose.

"I- I" Judging from Brian's tone, he clearly had no idea what to reply. He knew as good as I did that there was a high chance he would indeed leave me someday. One way or another. This would never take a happy ending and we both knew it.

"I-I was in a really dark place after Anita left me. The band, she, everything was running like sand through my hands and I had nothing left... Then you came around, taking away the only thing I still had and I think you finally got me out of my daze. So that I could move on... I'm feeling more like myself than I did in years, and even though we fight so much and you always seem to have to disagree with me, I think I need that. No I need you. I probably earn every bit of your distrust, because I always do the wrong things, but I want to be with you and only you. I can't promise you anything nor do I think you would believe me if I did, but I know one thing for sure I love you."

Brian could say the most out of place things in one moment and the most charming things in another. I was still crying, even if I was no longer sure why exactly I was, I didn't feel sad anymore, but rather touched by him. I bid my lip and turned around towards him. He had sat up and was hugging his knees, his gaze focused on a point on the wall deep in thought. "Why did you kiss Keith?"

"He kissed me. How do you even know about that?" I had already wondered about that before.

"Newspaper... Did you really not kiss him?" I had, but I doubted Brian wanted to hear that, so I just mumbled 'I didn't' before I sat up as well and put my arms around him. Water. Suffocating. Death. Despised the vision and the voice in the back of my head it seemed right. Maybe that was what love was about? No matter what stood between you, you always found a part of you filled with sympathy for each other. "I'm sorry for leaving you and putting you through so much worries all the time... I don't want you to end up messed up like me. You can still have your normal life after all this is over..."

"You can too, we're going to change it... Promise." I said and I felt him turn around looking at me. In a heartbeat his arms were around me and he hugged me even closer. 

"With you?" he asked and looked so hopeful that it nearly broke my heart.

"I-I... Yes, but-" Brian never let me finished. He pressed his lips so forcefully on mine that he pushed me back on to the bed as well in the process, but I doubted that he minded much. He probably had me right where he wanted me to be: naked with him in bed promising to give him a chance. I knew where this was heading to and I had to stop it before we missed another chance to talk.

Which was easier said than done.

His hands wandered over my bare skin, gently, but eagerly exploring each part of me and talking seemed less and less important. I gasped and I felt Brian smile as he started to kiss his way up from my shoulder to my face. "You're the Devil..." I nearly moaned at which his smile only grew.

"Have some sympathy," he mumbled, before our lips met again, finally silencing the voice in my head, but even if it was right and Brian only wanted me for this and because of my visions I probably wouldn't mind too much, as long as I could be with him everything else was fine to me.

The first time, we had slept with each other had indeed been rushed, but considering how long we had walked around each other and how many feelings had built up between us, there hadn't been much time for tenderness, simply because the need for each other had been stronger. The second time however was much gentler and slower, there was no rush now. We had all the time in the world in that moment.

Brian collapsed on top of me and buried his head into the crook of my neck. I still felt a bit overwhelmed at the whole situation. Before today I had only been intimate once before and I couldn't even remember it properly, because I had been too drunk and I didn't even want to think how often Brian had been with someone. Still the thought was there and with it the fear.

"Are you two finally finished?" A voice asked from the direction of the door interrupting my thoughts and in panic I looked up even though I had already recognised it. Mary was leaning on the door frame and I frantically tried to push Brian of me, who didn't seem like he wanted to give up his position for everything in the world.

"Get the fuck out," he mumbled clearly annoyed at her, but she seemed hardly impressed. Instead Mary gave me the impression that she was highly amused by finding Brian and I in this position, whereas I only felt very awkward. At least I finally managed to get Brian off me, who grumbled something and I hid myself under the covers.

"I suppose that means yes." Mary said. "Well I don't want to be a spoilsport or anything, but I would prefer if you two want to continue this, if you could do it in your own home. Even though I wanted Charlie to find a man, I didn't really want to listen to her with him all evening long."

"You heard us?" I blurted out. Of course it had to be very obvious what Brian and I had been doing, especially when we had left some clothes along on our way to the bedroom, but still it was a private matter for me and I didn't want her or anyone to be part of it.

"She's kidding, you hardly make any noise," Brian pointed out, which was hardly a comfort in my awkward state.

"Noises or not, I don't want to have you two fucking in my bed," Mary exclaimed crossing her arms before her chest. I was surprised that she even cared about that, but she wasn't so wrong with it.

Brian only snorted. "It's her bed and I'm paying the rent, from my point of view, we own this flat more than you do. So if we want to fuck here, we simply do and you can do nothing about it or do you want me to stop paying your rent?"

"Brian!" I yelled out. I got that he was angry, but that was no reason for him to be that rude to her. "I am sorry we'll go."

"You're too nice," Brian mumbled and Mary just left without saying another word, probably trusting me that I would indeed get him to leave.

 "She's my friend and she's right, we shouldn't have done this here..." I mumbled and got out of bed to collect my underwear.

"I have no problem with taking you home and repeating it," Brian offered, even though he made no indication that he would leave anytime soon. He was still laying in bed and lid himself a cigarette. I had no idea where he had found it, but I doubted it mattered anyway.

"Stop it and get dressed." I said and put my underwear back on. There was no trace of my dress in the bedroom, so I opened Mary's closet and looked for something else to wear. I could always collect the dress later, when I left.

"Can I ask you something without you taking it wrong? I'm just curious..." he asked and finally sat up, but still did nothing to get dressed at all, which unnerved me. This whole affair had been awkward enough already. I nodded and tried not to look at him. "You said you weren't a virgin and to be honest I didn't believe you, but you really weren't. So who had the pleasure?"

I sighed. Leave it to Brian to make this even more awkward than it already was, I thought. "The barkeeper of the bar where we met. He took me home one evening, because I was really drunk and it sort of happened... Can you please get dressed?" I asked him anew as I packed some of my stuff up and wondered how often I still had to do this. For someone who had only moved in her life twice I had packed and unpacked my things a lot in the last few months.

"Do I distract you?" I knew he was teasing me, but I ignored him. Somehow seeing Mary had pulled me back into reality and I was again in control over my feelings or maybe the awkwardness was simply too strong for me to worry about anything else. "And with Keith? He took you home as well."

"I didn't sleep with him. We're friends. Nothing more. Ehh... Can I just talk to Mary for a minute? I suppose you can get dressed on your own? "I asked as I finished my packing, I didn't really want to talk to her, but I felt like I had to at least say sorry to her.

He shrugged. "If I have to." I just shook my head at him and left the bedroom. I didn't need to look long for Mary, first my flat wasn't that big to start and second I had already a good idea where she was.

Mary was sitting in the kitchen, sipping on a glass. She filled one for me as well when she saw me enter. I didn't really know what to say to her. I still felt horribly awkward, especially when I had no idea how much she had indeed seen or heard. If it had been the other way around, it would have been easier to deal with. On the other hand, I wouldn't have barged in while she was with someone, I would have waited in the living room until she was finished, even if it probably would be better if I simply left the next time something like that happened. I didn't want to see her again with someone who wasn't Ben.

"Before we walk all around the awkwardness I just go ahead and ask, how you can forgive him that easily?" She asked as I took the glass and gulped it down. If she really wanted to have this discussion with me I probably needed every drink I could get. "I get that the making up sex is brilliant, that you missed him and are glad he's back, but still he threats you not right... I was so happy for you at first and even jealous, that you had this famous rich musician boyfriend, who was all over you and all I got were meaningless one night stands, but I moved on and you should do the same. Brian will be your downfall and you're too blind to see it."

"It isn't like that at all, Mary. You should know me better than this. I would never do something without thinking it over. I probably even think too much about everything... I know our relationship must look from the outside really bad, but it isn't. I love him and I'm not leaving him for anything," I said surprising Mary and even myself.

"I hope for you that you know what you're doing... I just worry. I really thought this was good to get you out of your shell, but now all I see ahead for you two is misery. You both can't let go off each other that much I have already gathered and at the same time you can't work with each other. I fear that this only will result in a lifelong off and on relationship, which will cause you both pain and misery and it already did. I know you don't see yourself, but you lost weight and the rings around your eyes weren't always that prominent... Did he at least tell you were he was while you were trying to kill yourself or did he find it more important to sleep with you?"

He hadn't. I had wanted to ask him, but then he had started to kiss me and my mind had become rather useless. However, I doubted that was a reasonable excuse for Mary and to be honest I really wanted to know where he had been as well, no matter what the answer would be. 

Mary pulled a face and I furrowed my brows confused. Water. Suffocating. Death. Brian had laid his hand on my back and caressed it. I looked at him a bit astonished that he had bothered to look for me, but maybe he only wanted to leave and was tired of waiting for me to finish with Mary.

"Even though I appreciate your concern for her, I don't want to you to meddle in our affairs, but if it reassures you, I want Charlie to stay with me as long as she wants to. It's up to her, my life lies in her hands." I think my heart skipped a beat at that. Did he really mean what I thought he did or was it just a figure of speech, I wondered and I felt my cheeks getting hot.

Mary sighed. "I know you love her, but that doesn't mean I like the way you threat her and I'm not the only one. It might be no business of me, but if I were you I would try to clear up your mess with the press as well. I don't like to see them attacking her next, because you don't give a damn...  they left her up until now in peace."

"Press?" I wondered. Mary sometimes mentioned when there was something about Brian in the paper, even if there hadn't been much on him up to this point nor had anybody of the press bothered me about him and it was easy for me to forget that there were indeed people out there wanting to know more about his life.

Mary shook her head and took a sip out of her glass who was nearly untouched. "Especially when she is so clueless. Charlie, you really should start paying more attention to it... Do you want or do I have to?" Brian shrugged uninterested, he hadn't bothered to talk to me about this in the past so why should he care about that now?

Mary took a deep breath, clearly annoyed at Brian's nonchalance. "Fine well I told you already about the engagement rumour, even if I'm still surprised how you missed that, but considering you locked yourself up in your house, it might not be that surprising after all... Well neither do I really get how they even came to the conclusion you two were engaged," she said clearly looking at Brian. I had still no real idea what was behind that story as well, I hadn't even read the newspaper article, but I hadn't really thought about it either. Brian proposing to me seemed just too ridiculous, neither he nor I were cut out for a marriage and would probably never be.

"I was just looking for a present for her and the shop assistant misunderstood me and thought I wanted to ask her to marry me. Nothing more," he replied again with such a nonchalance that I could cleary see Mary getting even more fed up with him.

"You wanted to buy her jewellery for her birthday do you even know her at all?"

"Excuse me for wanting to buy her a decent present instead of a bottle of gin."

"Only she doesn't- "

"Stop it! What has this to do with anything?" I asked interrupting the two of them, before their discussion escalated into anything more. Mary didn't like him or she no longer did and Brian had never had especially warm feelings for her even if I had no idea what his reasons were. Mary had never done anything, I couldn't even remember that the two of them had talked face to face before.

"You really need to pay more attention to these things and not be off in your own little world, Charlie..." Mary sighed. "Rumours were flying around, especially when no one of you both could be tracked down, so it went all a bit crazy as one could imagine considering his past with woman,"She said with a very obvious side glance at Brian. "Then the next thing they see, you're kissing Keith. Do you even know how this whole affair must look like? You two really never do anything easy, but at least Keith's plan worked, even if I would definitely clear everything up or the press starts to bother her and I doubt she can handle it," the last sentence was directed at Brian, even if none of the things she had said made much sense to me, beside the bit with Keith's plan and even that... it made sense for him to kiss me so suddenly if he wanted to get a headline to get a reaction from Brian, but how had he know that there had been a reporter around? I doubted they stayed around his house all the time. Nothing of that world made much sense to me and it scared me. This was something totally foreign to me and I had no idea what to expect.

"I'm not going to let it come that far," Brian said and kissed my head. I really hoped he was right.

For once I don't feel this huge need to say sorry for a chapter. Yay!  😅

OH AND THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE 1K VOTES. Of course thanks as well for reading and commenting. Feedback is like always hugely appreciated. ⚘⚘⚘

Preview:

"Would you quit your job, if you got married?"

"No why should I? " I asked puzzled.

P.S. Sorry if the previews are shorter than usual, but most of the future chapters only exist as drafts and I'm never sure what will make the final chapter and what won't.