Think, think, think back baby.
Tell me who's fault was that, babe?
Take a look inside yourself.
You're not really someone else.
* 

Mary was right meeting my father was a chance at having a family.

I definitely wanted one, but at the same time it scared me. It wasn't only the thought to be confronted with their deaths that made me unwell, but the truth as well. The truth why my father had apparently never bothered with my mother, brother and me... Even if he had left my mother, because he no longer loved her or whatever, why had he never tried to reach out to me after her death? Hadn't he cared that his daughter had nearly lost her whole family?

I really wanted to hear his side of the story and at the same time I didn't, at least not anymore after Brian had made his opinion on the matter very clear. After he had hang up on Mary, we had sat in silence next to each other until Brian couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Don't tell me you're seriously thinking about it?" he snapped.

"What if he really is my father?" I mumbled.

"Even if he is, he didn't try to contact you for 26 years, Charlie!" Brian exclaimed. "He probably got your mother pregnant, left and now that he saw your face in the paper, he thought he could maybe make some money out of you or whatever. He surely doesn't care about you for a minute."

Brian's words had hurt, but he was right. From an outside look, it had to appear that way and there shouldn't have been any room for discussion, especially not when I didn't even want anybody added to my life... And still could I just ignore my father, when he was the only family I might have left?

3 years ago I probably wouldn't have thought about it as much, I would have talked to him and then decided on what to do, because firstly it would have been horribly impolite not to talk to him and secondly I really would have wanted to know why he had left. Now however, I didn't want this stress in my life. I already had enough and if he really only made contact with me because I was with Brian, did I need him in my life? Probably not.

I sighed. "You're probably right... It's only that I've never had a family, I mean a real one. Father, mother, grandparents and now I might have the chance..."

"If you want to meet him, we can drive back," Brian said and squeezed my hand, I didn't know he was holding. Surprised at his understanding tone of voice, I looked at him. I had expected him to call me stupid and not to be so considerate. "I just don't want him to break your heart or tell you what a bad choice it was to get together with me and have you push me away again in the end."

"You're not a bad choice."

He snorted. "Sure, parents usually are ecstatic if they find out I'm dating their daughter." I wasn't sure why, but the idea appeared funny to me and I had to snicker, which earned me a frown from him.

"Well good for you then, that you won't have that problem with me," I replied still smiling a bit.

"So you don't want to meet him?" Brian asked curiously.

"I don't know..." I mumbled and took a deep breath. "You're right I managed my whole life without him and I don't see why I should need him now, but there's a part of me that just wants to know the truth, why he left and why he turned up now... I think I just want some answers..."

"Even if you won't like them?"

"I don't know... maybe?"

"It's your choice, Charlie. All I can say is that I wouldn't want to meet him."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure he didn't track me down only to tell me to leave you and even if he did, do you seriously think I would listen to him? I didn't even listen to you when you told me to leave and I doubt he tries as hard as you did."

He smiled "I'm glad I failed though."

"Me too," I replied returning his smile.

He kissed me and even though I had so much on my mind, it felt good to get lost in a moment and ignore it for a while. I could think about it all I want; I couldn't decide anything now anyway. Brian surely wouldn't want to leave now and miss a night without Mary, which gave me at least one more day to think about my choice, even if I doubted it would help. No matter what I choose in the end I probably would regret it later on.

"Give me a moment," Brian said, after he had suddenly pulled away from me. His hands had just found their way underneath my shirt and I had been definitely expecting something else than him letting go off me. "I need to do something else first." He added smiling probably because I was frowning and gave me a small kiss before he got up from the bed. I was about to ask what he was doing, when he answered my question before I could even open my mouth. Brian had stepped in front of the nightstand, moved it away and unplugged the telephone.

"Did you just unplug the telephone?" I asked laughing.

"I don't want anybody to interrupt us again," he mumbled sounding nearly embarrassed and it only made me laugh even more. He sat down next to me and pushed me down on the bed. Water. Suffocating. Death. Despised the vision I still had to laugh, Brian seemed so annoyed and embarrassed that I just couldn't hold it back. "Stop laughing..." he mumbled. "Mary has the worst timing ever..."

From her view, she probably has the best timing, I thought. I suspected that she clearly enjoyed to annoy Brian for whatever reason. I could understand somewhat why she didn't like him, but that was certainly no reason to nag him all the time... Then again Brian was easy to irritate, even on a good day and I hated to admit it, but it was amusing to a degree, although it was annoying more often. I loved Mary and Brian, but I couldn't stand to deal with both of them at the same time. They were horribly exhausting together and I couldn't say who was worse of the two. Mary who angered him or Brian who fell for it and fought with her.

"I'll ask her to move out when we get home."

Brian seemed at first surprised at my proposal, but then he shook his head. "You don't have to."

"She needs to look after her own life, talk to Ben and-" Keith, I wanted to add, but wasn't sure if I really should tell Brian who might be the father of Mary's baby. It probably was better to keep this to myself. It was Mary's business not mine and who knew what Brian would do with that information... Not that I didn't trust him, but his relationship with Keith was surely not the best and I didn't want him to blurt it out for whatever reason and make everything more fucked up than it already was... I swallowed hard before continuing. "-and well we have our own problems, don't we? There's still so much we haven't talked about, even without my father added to the mess and we don't have all eternity."

Brian sighed. "I don't know where to start..."

"Start with what matters the most to you," I said and squeezed his hand for reassurance.

"Undressing you?"

I rolled my eyes, but had to smile. "The Rolling Stones?"

"Ugh!" He exclaimed and pulled a face. "I surely don't want to undress them and I hope you don't want that either, well beside me of course. I'm always at your disposal," he said and leaned in.

"You know what I meant!" I exclaimed and put again some distance between us by sitting up.

"Did somebody ever tell you that you're too serious?" Brian sighed and sat up as well.

"You and you probably did a hundred times, but I'm only worried that you don't get the time to do what you want because you're putting it off. You said you wanted to do your own things and that you've been working on stuff."

He took a deep breath. "Yeah but they suck."

"I might not know a lot about music, but from what I heard you're very talented, so why should they be bad?" Brian didn't reply. He didn't even meet my eyes and I wondered what was wrong. For once I hadn't said anything that could have offended him. "If you don't trust my judgement, ask Mary she surely doesn't like you, but she never said anything bad about your music. If you forgot she's a huge fan of the Rolling Stones."

Brian snorted. "And do you know how many songs I've written for the Stones?"

"I don't know, but didn't you wrirte Ruby Thursday? I think Mary mentioned something like that..." I mumbled a bit embarrassed that I actually had no idea, what Brian exactly did or had done. He probably had refrained from talking to me about music, simply because I was clueless about it and I had never really bothered to ask either, which made me feel a bit guilty. I probably should have paid more attention to him...

"You mean Ruby Tuesday and it is credited Jagger-Richards to answer your question and to answer mine there's not a single one credited Jones."

"That doesn't mean you can't write songs Brian. Why shouldn't you?"

Again there was no reply and Brian seemed strangely hopeless, which I couldn't understand at all. I might really have no idea, but from what I've seen or heard Brian certainly had no reason to be so down, even if he hadn't written a song for the Stones, didn't mean he was a failure nor that he had no talent... He just needed to try.

"Brian I really believe that you can do it, if you stop telling yourself it is not good enough or whatever. You've come so far and I'm sure that has to mean something. Doesn't that reassure you at least a bit?"

Again he was silent for a while and I already suspected he would just keep on ignoring me, when he raised his head and looked me straight in the eyes. "Why do you believe so much in me? Everyone always tells me that I am not able to change, that I am a lost case, that I'm just a pretty face, that I'm good for nothing..., but you don't."

"There's no reason for me not to believe in you and there shouldn't be one for you as well..." I replied.

"So you don't think it's a bad idea?" he asked still sounding amazed at the possibility that I really believed in him.

I shook my head. "No if that is what you want to do, you should."

"Thank you... I-I talk to them the next time we met up in the studio."

"Should I go with you?" I offered and took his hand in mine. Water. Suffocating. Death.

"You don't have to."

I smiled. "Maybe I want to?"

"I really should have met you earlier..." he mumbled and kissed me without any warning, pushing me nearly onto the bed again.

"Not now!" I exclaimed and moved my face away from him. This would only be a distraction again and we wouldn't have talked about anything again, but we had to, especially when we had finally made some progress. We couldn't just go on and ignore everything else. "Do you really think I shouldn't confront my father?"

"You really know how to kill the mood! Can't you think about that later?" He sighed, annoyance very visible on his face. "Why do I even ask? Of course you can't... Charlie, it's your choice. I would just tell him to fuck off..."

"You wouldn't want to know what happened?" I asked and pushed him off me.

Brian shrugged and let me go. "I already know what happened. He got cold feet and left."

"Not everyone just leaves when they get somebody pregnant," I pointed out and sat up properly.

"Not everyone is like me you mean!" he exclaimed enraged and my eyes widened in shock. I certainly hadn't thought about that. Brian's children hadn't exactly been something we talked about in the past, beside maybe a few rare occasions, so I tend to forget it or to well ignore it, even though it had irked me somehow. It wasn't fair to his kids to neglect them, because he didn't care, but I had never stated my opinion out loud, so his comment felt hugely out of place.

"Not everything is about you, you idiot!" I exclaimed.

"Well then go and meet your father. Don't say I didn't warn you, he'll disappoint you," Brian retorted, but at least in a less hostile tone.

I sighed. "Can't you understand how much it would mean to me to have a family? Or at least to know the truth?"

"Why? Be happy that you don't have to put up with one. No matter what you do they'll tell you it's wrong instead of being happy for you once in a while. They'll put some ridiculous expectations in you and when you don't meet them, they'll reject you, because they don't care about you. They just care about what other people might think of them."

"Not every family is like that..." I mumbled a bit unsure. I knew Brian didn't have the best relationship with his parents, but he had never mentioned why or to what extent and I wasn't sure if now was the right moment to talk about it... "Some stick together no matter what and help each other..."

He snorted. "How would you know?"

"Obviously I don't!" I exclaimed angrily. "But only because you have problems with your family doesn't mean everyone else does as well! You should be happy to have at least one! I have nobody..."

"Are you fucking blind? You have friends and other people that care about you. You would have even more if you tried to let more in instead of pushing everyone away, but maybe you like doing that or else you wouldn't be able to whine about it!"

"Whine?" I cried out. "You're always complaining about everything not me!"

"I am not."

"You are."

"I am not."

"Forget about it. I'm not going to see my father, are you happy now?" I said and got out of bed to plug the telephone in again. "I'll ring Mary and tell her she can tell him to leave me a letter or something."

"Do what you want. I don't care."

Another short chapter, but at least I manage to update that way, but don't expect another new one soon.😅

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