I'll dry the tears when you cry
I'll be the breeze when the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and keep you warm
That's how strong my love is
*

If somebody had told me a year ago that I would spend the first day of March in bed sick because of drugs and crying over a man, I probably would have laughed at the sheer impossibility of the scenario and still March '69 had started exactly that way for me.

I had finally managed to leave the bathroom after some time and just curled up in Brian's bed. Some part of me knew it was stupid and I wouldn't solve anything by hiding away under the covers, but I didn't want to face this future right now and hiding away for some time sounded indeed good.

Brian tried to talk to me, probably trying to get me to open up about what I saw, but I just couldn't deal with him at the moment and mostly ignored him. It was hard enough coming to terms with what I saw on my own without having him by my side. I first needed to accept this before I could talk to him about it, if I ever would...

I didn't want to believe the voice, but there was indeed the possibility that Brian would let me die to live or even kill me and there was another one that I think scared me even more: he would die so that I could live. Brian had seemed so miserable on New Year's when he had asked me if he earned a second chance and I didn't want him to think his life was worthless... He had so much to live for, especially compared to me... I had no family, next to none friends, just nothing and still I feared if I put the choice up to him, he would choose himself, because for whatever reason he thought he earned to die. Nobody of us did, even if one of us had to. I would have killed for somebody to tell me the neutral outlook on this, to tell me what the reasonable thing to do would be, but there was no one I could have asked. Only Brian and Keith knew about this and I couldn't ask them. I had already relied so much on Keith and especially this... I couldn't ask of him to decide who of us needed to die. That would be cruel.

And Mary, if I told her everything, she would tell me to let Brian die and move on with Keith. Her opinion was hardly neutral. She didn't like him, but I was her friend, so of course she wouldn't let me die... I needed to figure this out on my own and think of another option desperately. My current two choices couldn't be everything, there had to be another way...

"You can't cheat death."

Maybe I couldn't cheat it, but maybe I could offer it something else instead... I bid my lip. I couldn't have these kind of thoughts... Sacrificing somebody else so that we could both survive was insane. I couldn't just let somebody die for such selfish reasons... Especially when I wasn't even sure if I wasn't making everything worse. The voice was right I should have stayed out of people business like I always had.

"I know you don't want to see me, but you should eat something..."

I could hear in his voice that I had offended him earlier when I had send him away, but it had just hurt so much to be with him and knowing it would soon be over. I needed time on my own to come to terms with this, before I could face him again.

"Charlie please..." He said and I felt him sit down on the bed.

I sighed, still making no intention to come out of my hiding place under the covers. I felt better this way, it was safe here. No death or anything.

"Whenever we finally make some progress, I do something to screw up again..."

"It's not your fault and I want to be with you, but I-"

"You don't want to get hurt?" He asked, interrupting me. "I think I got that by now, but maybe you should try to see it differently... You focus so hard on death that you forget to live. Beside you, no one knows what the future brings, we all have to live with the thought we could die every single day and still we go out, live, have fun and so on. If I really die in 4 months, I don't want to spend that time with you curled up in my bedroom, but I want to make the most of it. I still have things I never got around to do and if I don't do them now, I probably never get around..."

"So you just accept your fate?" I asked finally bothering to come out from under the covers and sat up, but he had got me curious. He had nearly begged me to help him in November and now he was fine with dying? Why?

Brian was sitting on the edge of the bed and somehow I had expected him to look hopeless, but instead his face held a look of acceptance I had never or rarely seen on him. It seemed nearly to underline his statement and still it looked so foreign on him. He nearly seemed at peace for a moment.

"You told me on Christmas you would accept yours and I couldn't understand it then, but I think I can now. I can't run away from it, so instead I should try to live with it. It doesn't benefit you or me to cry over it. I have no idea what you saw, but if there is a chance to prevent it we will, but until then I don't want you to avoid me again and loose unnecessary time. I want to be with you," he said and looked at me in way that made my heart leap. My body did too, but in the opposite direction of him. Brian's sudden love confessions still unsettled me. Even after everything I still had trouble getting my head around the idea that he could indeed love me, especially to this degree.

"You want to spend your last months with me?" I asked astonished. "Isn't that boring? You could-"

"I know, but that wouldn't be doing things I've never got around to do, would it?" He interrupted me smiling and I nearly thought I felt my stomach rumble gain. I swallowed hard.

"And what do you want to do?"

Until now I had thought Brian had exactly done what he wanted to do. Following his dream, making music, being successful, seeing the whole world and so on. I just couldn't see what he still hadn't done or at least what he hadn't done what he still wanted to.

He smiled. "I suppose you need to stay around to find out."

"You really want me too?"

"Of course," he said and took my hand in his. Water. Suffocating. Death. 03071969. I wanted to pull it away, but I couldn't. My body didn't want to. "-nobody else. You might not trust me, but I really do love you Charlie."

I knew it was wrong, if I wanted him to survive without feeling guilty, I had to let him go, but I couldn't. He was right if one of us was to die shouldn't we at least spend the last few months together? And maybe just maybe the voice was wrong and there indeed was a different way for us, but did I really want to risk that? I might indeed focus only on death, I thought bitterly.

"You're searching for another excuse to turn me down again, aren't you?"

I frowned. "I'm not-"

"You were," he interrupted me sighing. "I'm not stupid, Charlie. I know you long enough to recognise your "let's crush Brian's hopes again" face. I really get that you're scared about the future and I have no idea about what more, but whatever you saw doesn't have to come true, right? So forget about it and just do what you feel like for once," he said squeezing my hand. "Live a little."

I bid my lip. "I- It's not that easy, Brian. I-"

"Yes, I know we had this discussion a hundred times before and it's slowly getting boring," he said smiling again and moved closer to me. I couldn't move away even if I wanted to, there was only the floor behind me and I was in no state to get out of bed. "You clearly love me, Charlie so why can't you just admit it and we can finally make some real progress? I feel like we're going around in circles since we met. It's not alone your fault, it took me forever to realise I had feelings for you too, but at least I don't change my mind every day about it."

I tensed up. "It took you forever to admit to yourself you loved me?" I asked a bit panicked. The voice had said the exact same thing.

Brian frowned and stopped in his movement for a second, probably sensing my sudden unease. "Yes I- well at first I just saw you as useful, but at the same time you fascinated me and no matter what happened I couldn't figure you out. You nearly drove me insane sometimes, especially when I started to like you-"

I didn't hear what he said anymore, instead there was the voice again. "He denied it to himself for the longest too, that's why his vision so suddenly changed and were mixed, because he couldn't make up his mind. Look at the whole picture, Charlie." How could I turn a blind eye to it if the voice had been right? I had indeed ignored the whole picture, only because I had wanted to save him so desperately...

I felt Brian putting his arms around me and pulling myself closer to him, but I hardly felt a thing. I was numb, dazed, in shock and so much more in one moment that I wondered if there was even a way to get me ever out of this state. Maybe it was for the best if I stayed like that. Numbness meant at least no pain, but it also meant that whenever it got out it would be so much harder to move on...

"Charlie?" I think I heard him asking. "What is wrong?"

Everything I wanted to say, but couldn't. Instead I touched my face unbelievably, my cheeks were wet. It shouldn't have surprised me that I was crying again and still it was nearly amazing how I was able after all the crying I had done the day before.

I certainly didn't like to feel so helpless, but there was nothing I could have done or at least nothing I could think of. We were doomed and anew I wished for nothing more to turn back time and never met him. It would have been the easiest for both us. He could have died in ignorance and I could have simply lived on. Maybe someday I would have fallen in love and could have even had the life I wanted, but now? No matter what choice I took, Brian and I were condemned.

"Maybe I should leave you alone again, you're clearly not ready yet to talk about this..." Brian mumbled and let go off me.

"NO!" I yelled out wrapping my arms around him, surprising him in the progress and he nearly fell down on the bed. Water. Suffocating. Death. I knew I should have let him go, but I didn't want him too. I felt so bad and I didn't want to feel alone as well.

He sighed readjusting his position a bit. My head now lay on his chest and my arms were still around him. "Charlie what do you really want? I am not allowed to leave you and at the same time you can't stand to be with me. I know this is hard for you, but I'm really tired of this shit. I didn't sleep the whole night, had you crying all over me for most of it without any explanation at all and I'm still worried about you... I can't go on like this. Please just give me an honest reply. What the fuck happened?"

"So much..." I whispered into his chest.

"Then talk to me about it... Not everything could have been bad, could it? Some of these visions had to be good as well." He was right, not everything had been bad, but it seemed like those moments made the others only look worse. I bid my lip, still unsure. "I mean you told me you saw us together in the bedroom and to me that sounds good. Furthermore, you said I proposed to you, that too can't be too horrible or maybe it is, I really don't get you most of the time."

I had nearly completely forgotten about that or maybe I had only ignored it, because I felt awkward with the topic of marriage, especially concerning him and me. It was simply too absurd, neither he nor I were the typical marriage material. Only our reasons were different ones.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I don't know if you really proposed... I was just wearing a ring."

I think Brian shook his head, but I could have been wrong. My head still lay on his chest, so that I couldn't see his face and to be honest I didn't want to look at him. Not seeing him made this definitely easier. "And that's something you regularly do? Come on tell me about that," he said and brushed my head with his hand.

"I think I was at Mary's wedding. She made me catch the flowers on purpose and then I just looked down and there was a ring on my finger... I don't know," I mumbled trying not to blush. I knew he couldn't see my face either, but I already had to look so horrible and this was not helping a bit.

"That doesn't sound too bad, does it?" He calmly replied and I wondered if he really had no problem with this marriage talk. I think I remembered him saying yesterday that he wanted to ask me, but to me it only sounded unreal. "So tell me about the other visions you had. You mentioned Keith and me leaving the band."

"Keith was just with me in your living room and I don't know what to tell you about the band... You hugged them and then left with me," I said and remembered something I had ignored until now as well. "And I'm sorry for telling Keith the truth... I just needed somebody and you were not there, I had a fight with Mary and Keith was... well he was simply there."

I felt Brian take a deep breath. "I shouldn't have left you in the first place, that was low of me, but this isn't only difficult on you... I needed to clear my head and now I'm even kind of glad I left or else you might have never given me a chance."

I smiled at that, even though I nearly felt like crying again. "I'm sorry... I-"

"I know. It's not that easy for you, you might have mentioned that before, but it could be, if you trusted me more. You don't have to carry everything alone, tell me about it... What else did you see?"

I bid my lip again. Of course this sounded good, but there still was the fear of what he would do with the truth... However, I didn't have to tell him about that, there were still some other visions I could talk about. "Mary was pregnant and was unhappy about it..."

Brian snorted. "Better her than you."

I tensed up at his words, even if I wasn't exactly sure why. His distaste for children was surely no secret and still there was something in his words that had unsettled me deeply. Something that shouldn't have. I never wanted children, so why should this bother me?

"Because you want a family," I heard the voice whisper in my mind. "And you could have one if he died. You heard him he doesn't even want to have one with you. Let him die."

"No..." I whispered.

"No what?"

I bid my lip. "I had a child in one vision too." I felt him tense up underneath me, but he didn't say a word. "A boy... he looked so much like my brother. I never wanted children and never thought I would have any, but I think I would love to have a family..."

"Why?" Brian finally asked after some nearly painful quiet moments had passed.

I frowned, not sure how to take his question. "It must be nice to be with people you love, to come home to them every day and spend time with them."

Brian snorted again. "You obviously never had a family."

His words hurt like a punch to the stomach and I knew if I stayed here any longer this would end in a fight again. Something I couldn't use right now. I tried to get out of bed and nearly fell down, but caught myself in the last moment. "I'll go to bed and you should try to get some sleep too."

"Charlie, I-"

"No, please," I interrupted him, while I carefully made my way to the door. I was nearly surprised Brian hadn't reached out to hold me back. "Just forget about it and get some sleep."

He didn't reply and I just left to sleep in a bed I hadn't touched in forever. The last time I had slept in my room had to be over a month ago or maybe even more... There had simply been no need. While he was gone I had even preferred sleeping at his, because it had felt more natural... Not as alone.

The bed was cold, when I lay down and I nearly wanted to go back to Brian again, but his comment had been too low and I couldn't just overlook it.

Brian had never talked to me about his family, but they couldn't be that bad that he rather wished he had none. He simply couldn't. I knew that not everything was daisies and sunshine all the time, but there had to be good times too, even I had them. Mine were just nearly so long ago that I could hardly remember them. Of course living with my grandmother hadn't been bad, but it wasn't the same like having a real family. I never had a father and most of my memories of my mother were just depressing.

Maybe I was just one of those people who never were allowed to be happy and just damned to drown in misery until they finally died. Perhaps that was indeed the solution was the last thought I had before I drifted off to sleep.

Yelling.

Sleepily I opened my eyes and out of reflex I wanted to turn towards Brian to ask him what was going on until I realised I was in my bed and not his. My head hurt end even though I felt better than yesterday, I wasn't really in the mood to leave the bed yet or even wake up.

I should have turned around and just tried to sleep again, but the yelling continued and I couldn't ignore it. Slowly I got out of bed, my legs felt shaky and my head was dizzy, but it wasn't something I could deal with and I doubted whoever was fighting wouldn't stop in the next 5 minutes, so I had time.

Brian was obviously one of the voices, but I couldn't recognize the other nor could I hear clearly what they were talking about. Only that whoever was there with him should have stayed out of it and that Brian could deal with this on his own.

When I entered the living room, I nearly went back out again. I had been wrong; I did know the man. I had seen him in one of my visions, which made this scene even weirder. In my vision I had argued with him, not Brian and still it seemed to make my visions even more real. Until now I could maybe have believed him to be just an imagination, but now that he was standing here before my own eyes, how could I deny the other visions as well?

"Charlie, go back to bed," Brian said, yanking me out of my thoughts and my shock. Obviously he had been the first the spot me, but the stranger turned around to me now as well. They were both sitting on the couch, drinking and smoking.

"So you are Charlie? It seems like until now we always passed each other. You're a busy girl, aren't you?" The man said and I trembled, even if I didn't know why. "I'm-"

"Let her be. She has nothing to do with this," Brian interrupted him.

The man just raised his eyes. "She hasn't? You saw what they wrote, Brian. If I were you I would get rid of her as fast as I could."

I frowned at his words, but remained silent. I doubted they would tell me anything if I just asked, on the other hand would Brian tell me about it if the other man left? If he was to be believed this did concern me and Brian clearly wanted to keep me out of things again.

"But you are not me and I don't care. So leave."

"I'm just worried about you," the man said, sighing. "Well have it your way then, I'll leave, but mark my words. She's trouble and that's something you can't use," he said and indeed got up from the couch to leave. He passed me without a word, but his gaze made me tremble again.

Brian didn't say a word and me neither for a few instants after we had heard the door close, until I couldn't take it anymore. "What was that about?"

Brian shrugged and took a sip out of his glass. "Nothing special, just some gossip bullshit."

"About you?" I asked, even though I had a horrible suspicion.

"Who else? Go back to bed," he nearly ordered and got up from the couch as if he wanted to direct me out of the room.

"What happened?" I tried again.

"Nothing."

I rolled my eyes. "Brian I'm not stupid. Just tell me-"

"Tell you about it?" He snorted. "Why should I? You never tell me anything either. Your birthday, your last name and now this? I knew your family died, but who cares about the details, right, when I can just read about it in the newspaper?"

He threw a newspaper at me and I paled when I saw the headline. "No...Why should they?"

"Because they want a fucking story they can sell and a headline like 'Brian Jones girlfriend's tragic past' does exactly that. Well I'm going to fetch myself a new drink."

"Brian-"

"Don't touch me," he exclaimed and left the room. Leaving me flabbergasted alone in the living room. I sighed and sat down on the couch lighting myself a cigarette before I started to read the article.

It was odd. It felt foreign and still so familiar... I had no idea how they had found out so much about me, I had never talked about my past to anyone, how my mother had died exactly and still it was all there. Of course they had dramatized it. She had been sad, not insane, but for the author there seemed to be no difference between the two. A mentally unstable mother probably sounded better than a woman crying over the loss of her son.

The way they had pictured my mother was harmless compared to the way they had described me. I wasn't sure if I should be mad or shocked, it was just so odd... Reading something about me that resembled me and at the same time didn't.

Apparently I had because of all the deaths in my life started a fascination with death, which lead me to a job at a funeral parlour and of course they had lead me to a severe alcohol problem as well. The author had made me look pathetic, helpless and insane, which I apparently had to be to stand Brian. With his past no reasonable person would dare to spend time with him, but obviously somebody like me didn't know it better and had to think he was a lottery win.

Of course that was why I had started an affair with Keith too, I just didn't know wrong from right. The whole thing was just a horrible piece of writing.

"Is it true?"

I sighed at the sound of his voice, but didn't bother to look at him. "My mother killed herself, yes and I found the body, yes, but it did not traumatise me nor do I have a fascination with death. Surely not, I would prefer to get as far away from it as I could, but I doubt that is possible in my situation... And the rest, I still don't have an affair with Keith and I'm not only with you, because I think you're the best thing that could happen to me in my miserable life. I certainly don't care about fame."

Brian didn't say anything for a minute, but instead he sat down opposite of me on the couch. He seemed to be in thought and I wondered about what, I hadn't really told him anything new nor something to ponder.

"I'm sorry for the family comment yesterday. It's just I don't get really on with mine and it sounded stupid to me, when you said you wanted one, but I suppose I can understand why you would wish for someone to be there for you... Somebody you can count on no matter what..."

"I-I-" I mumbled unsure of what to reply exactly. "You could always try and talk to them. I mean to your family, if you want..."

Brian shook his head sighing. "I doubt they would care... I should rather try and talk to some stupid journalist before this gets even worse. You should be there as well."

"No Brian I'm awful with people. I'm certainly not doing this."

"And this will look even worse, if I do it alone. Can you not be complicated for once and we'll clear this up? The faster we do the faster they'll give up on the story. I'm sure you don't like being in the middle of attention."

"I don't, but I'm sure you can manage on your own. You don't need me."

"Maybe, but what if I tell them something you don't want me to? For example what if somebody asks me if we are engaged and I say yes."

I frowned. "Why would you do that?"

He seemed amused and I had no idea what to think of it. "Why not?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You wouldn't go that far just to get me to do an interview with you and no one would believe you that in the first place."

"No? Why shouldn't they? Because I never bothered in the past? Worst case I'll just tell them you bewitched me. Put a spell on me, obviously you have connections to the supernatural." He clearly was having fun at my expense.

I snorted. "A witch? At least Keith just referred to me as a fortune teller."

Brian laughed. "I fell in love with the fortune teller, I'm surprised I didn't think about that earlier."

"If it is a comfort I don't even know the song..."

"I think I have the record somewhere... Give me a second," Brian said and jumped up to look through his records. I was surprised if he found it. He had so many and not only in the living room, but I felt like he had stored records in every room of the house or had at least one or two laying around.

Even if I had no idea how he did it, Brian seemed to know exactly where he had to look for it and put the record on. The living room soon filled with music. I wasn't sure what exactly I had expected or what I was supposed to think, Keith had told me of course what the song was about, but hearing it made it somehow more real.

Brian remained by the record player, his back turned to me and I would have really wished to see his face. I don't know why, but that might have helped figuring out how I was supposed to feel. At the moment I mostly just felt embarrassed.

"We did a version of it," Brian said after the song had finished.

"I never really heard you play anything..." I nearly whispered, I knew depending on Brian's mood that this could be a touchy topic, but I doubted it matter much in the long run anymore, if I cared about every single one of his moods.

"I mostly work on stuff when you're not here and I'm surprised you even care. You never gave me the impression you were much into music; so why should I bother to talk about it with you?" Brian said shrugging as he sat back down on the couch.

"I listen to it sometimes, to fill the silence, but it's not really a passion of mine, you're right... But it's yours, right? And well shouldn't I be interested in your life?"

Brian frowned at me for a minute or two before he started to laugh. "That sounds like something you've read in a stupid magazine. 10 tips how to be the perfect wife, tip 3 show interest in the things he likes."

"I-No!" I exclaimed and my face almost certainly had turned red.

Brian was still laughing. "You can read whatever you want, I won't judge you, but maybe I'll tell the reporters that instead of a fascination with death you have one with stupid counselor articles."

I sighed. "I'll do the interview or whatever with you, alright?"

Brian only smiled.

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