Yeah, when the train left the station
It had two lights on behind
Whoa, the blue light was my baby
And the red light was my mind
All my love was in vain
*  

It felt even worse than I had imagined it would, but it was far too late for second thoughts. 

I- we were probably doomed the minute Brian had decided to chase after me and had saved my life. I didn't wish for my death, yet on some days it only sounded easier. Brian would have gone on living his life how he pleased, fully ignorant of whatever fate was lurking in his future and I could have maybe finally found some peace. It was a stupid thought and I knew it. I was happy Brian had saved me and I had got the chance to spend so- to fall in love with him. I didn't regret a minute of it, despite all the drama that had gone down and that I could have certainly done without. A normal boring relationship would never be something we could have. Then again neither Brian, I nor the circumstances we had met under had been normal...

Even if they had lead to something so normal.

I probably should have felt happy or excited, but all I was focusing on was my unsettled stomach. I didn't trow up this time around, for which I was very thankful. I had spend enough time vomiting in the last few days, because I had been a mess. I had no reason anyway to be nervous.. No matter how rushed I thought it was, it was nothing bad... It only meant Brian really loved me, didn't it?

I had no idea how he had done it that we could just get married that quickly without any notice in advance. I had never been to a wedding before, but I doubted it usually went down that quick...  I had thought about calling Mary and inviting her at least, but I feared she needed more time to sort her life out, before I could contact her again. We both were in a new situation and needed to get accustomed to it instead of trying to be the same people we were only 6 months ago. I still wondered about how much life could change in so little time, instead of finally accepting it and moving on. I could neither live in the past nor the future. Only the present and that was what I promised myself when I said the words I never thought I would say.

"I do." 

Brian smiled. 

It was a tired smile, but a genuine one. Maybe this had been rushed and a bad idea, but I didn't mind. This probably was his last chance... And well my only one. This couldn't be wrong, even if my stomach felt awful, our relationship was such a mess up until now and the choice of a dress had caused a minor fight this morning. 

Though Brian could have known that somebody who deals with funerals didn't exactly have something to wear to be married in. Most of the dresses I owned were black or dark and in most things he had bought me I didn't feel comfortable in. After nearly giving up he found a dark blue dress, he considered alright and I didn't feel as exposed in. 

I looked like a mess though as did Brian to a degree. 

I hadn't eaten properly in the last few days and with all the vomiting I had done, I had lost again a bit of weight... The dress was a bit too big on me and the colour made my skin look nearly white. The stress was leaving its marks on me and for the first time even I had to admit I looked dead.  

Brian only seemed tired at least, but he looked as if he could never sleep enough to get rid of it again. We probably made a rather sad picture, but I didn't care, Brian seemed glad. He held onto me the whole time as if he wanted to make sure I didn't run off, which did sound tempting, because I was scared, but the wish to be there for him was bigger. 

He did seem to feel my slight unease though and didn't pressure me to anything. Mary's and his betrayal were still heavy on me, even if I tried to ignore it and had agreed to marry him. To fully move on I probably needed time I didn't have- he didn't have.

Though Brian had promised me he would never again hide something from me. I didn't believe him, but didn't say a word about it. I probably should have. I definitely was no better than him.I had kept so much from Brian in hope I wouldn't hurt him... If our time wasn't as short lived as it was, I feared Mary was right with her on off relationship theory. I loved Brian, but in some situations I couldn't stand him... And he probably felt the same. We probably ignored a lot, we should have talked about, simply because we didn't have any time. I doubted he would have mentioned Edgar to me again if he hadn't suddenly stood before our door.

Over the wedding and my own thoughts, I had momentarily forgotten about Mrs Reed's death and just remembered it when I opened the door to come face to face with Edgar with bloodshot eyes. 

He hugged me immediately and started to cry, trying to explain me what happened to his mother. I wouldn't have understood a word of what he said if I hadn't know what he wanted to talk about.

I thought Brian would rip of his head, when he saw Edgar clinging to me, but he seemed to think better of it when he saw in what state Edgar was. He cried on my shoulder for two hours straight... I tried to comfort him, but how could I? When I felt as miserable as he did, even if I couldn't have changed anything, I could have perhaps told him... So that he could have been prepared for the future, but would that really have helped? 

Brian offered him something to drink and that seemed at least to help. Edgar was still clinging to me, but had stopped his crying at some point. It was already getting late and I only got rid of him, when I promised to go to the funeral of his mother and help him. I didn't want to, this was not my business, but I owed it to Edgar. He had always been so nice and understanding of me that I couldn't turn him down, even if it was obvious what Brian thought about the whole situation.

He held himself back, because Edgar was a mess, but that didn't mean he was as understanding as I was. Brian was sulking the whole time Edgar stayed with us, although he didn't say a word, he observed us and temporarily I wasn't sure what was more awkward. Edgar who was crying on my shoulder or Brian silently observing us.  

"So that's the guy, Mary thinks is perfect for you? He's a cry baby," was the first thing Brian said after Edgar had left us. It was very low of him to call Edgar that when he had just lost his mother, especially when it was Brian who had cried more than once on my shoulder for different things, but he was only jealous and hence I ignored his comment. "And he's ugly," he added, which made me laugh.

"You do realise you two look alike?"

"I'm much better looking than this guy!" Brian retorted grumpily. "Have you ever looked at him?"

"If it's a comfort you're very different character-wise..." I commented shaking my head. Brian definitely sometimes could be so childish, especially this jealousy was bothering me. Even if I had admitted that I liked Edgar, had it only been because of him and it was stupid of Brian to worry about it or at least make more out of it than it really was.

I took Edgar's glass from the living room table and emptied it. Brian hadn't bothered to give me a drink, but of course had got himself one. At least Edgar hadn't managed to finished his, because I definitely needed something to drink after this and didn't want to argue with Brian again. Though I nearly expected him to still make a remark about it, he stayed silent and sat down next to me. I frowned a bit as he took the glass out of my hand and put it back on the table. Water. Suffocating. Death. 

The first thing I felt when I came out of the vision were his lips on me and his arms around me. I sighed, until now I had managed to put him off a bit, but I doubted I could forever. It was a stupid thought, but now that we were married, this felt so- so serious and I so insecure. 

"And he can't do that," Brian whispered in my ear and I shivered as his lips touched my earlobe. 

"Brian not now..." I whimpered. 

He didn't listen though. His lips were on my neck and I felt his hands wander underneath my skirt, I trembled once more, but decided this needed to stop and nearly fled from the couch. Hitting the living room table in the process with my leg and yelled out in pain, making Brian chuckle.

"You should have stayed here and that wouldn't have happened. I don't see your problem anyway, Edgar had his hands on you the whole evening and you didn't say a word about it."

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my leg.  "Because his mother died. The last time he wanted to touch me I yelled at him not to as well."

"Good. Maybe we should make it public that we're married."

I nearly rolled my eyes again. "Why so that Edgar stays away? You're being ridiculous. I go to the funeral, help him a bit and never see him again."

"Maybe I want everyone to bugger off and stop bothering me about my intentions with you," Brian said casually, making me stop rubbing my leg. It still hurt, but I no longer cared. I looked up at him surprised, he couldn't really mean this, could he? Brian could only be joking, but he seemed perfectly calm. 

"If you make it public, don't you think everyone will start to bother you even more?" I asked him carefully.

He sighed and I felt myself relax. "You're probably right. Can we at least tell some people?"

"I have no one to tell it too... Mary won't talk to me and beside her I only have Keith, who I would consider a friend, who currently isn't very happy with me as well. So who should I tell it to?"

Brian laughed. "I have no problem with telling Keith about it."

I shook my head and sat down on the couch again, but with enough distance from Brian. "I really hope you no longer think I would run off with him."

"I still think he's far more interested in you than he should, but considering I am apparently all you ever talk about, he'll throw you out faster than I can even miss you. If you ever have sex with him, do me a favour and yell my name out."

My breath caught and I probably paled. 

Keith & I kissing in his bed had been one of the visions. One I had painfully ignored. It had and it still did seem so surreal. My head felt empty, unable to form any reasonable thought or even any that made sense.  

"I was only joking, Charlie," Brian said, probably sensing my unease, but misinterpreting it. "I know you wouldn't run off to Keith, I'm starting to think no matter what I do, I can't get rid of you."

He smiled and petted my leg. Water. Suffocating. Death.  "I promised you I wouldn't leave..." I mumbled. My voice hoarse and craving a drink or anything to chase the memory of the vision away.

Brian didn't seem to notice though, he continued to smile and moved closer to me again. I let him this time. "Even if you have a boring and less handsome version of myself at your hands that has a future?"

I relaxed a bit at the mention of Edgar. "Why should I be satisfied with a copy when I can have the original?"

Brian laughed. "Because the original is a bastard perhaps? And the copy a shy and awkward being, who threats you nothing but nice."

"Keith asked me if I was into that," I remarked absent-minded, until I saw Brian's questioning face and realised what I actually had said... I didn't want to have this discussion, but there was no way around it without appearing suspicious. "He wondered if I maybe liked that, because he was nothing, but nice to me and I was all about you, who treated me badly," I explained. 

"Lucky me then."

Brian definitely was in a better mood than I was. I wasn't sure if I should take him being in high spirits as a good sign or a bad one. I certainly didn't want him to be worried about the future, but his good mood seemed to clash with the current situation or maybe it wasn't and I only worried over nothing again. I sighed and leaned closer to Brian. Water. Suffocating. Death. He had put his arm around my waist to pull me closer and kissed my head. It was peaceful. It was one of those moments, you wished you could stay in forever and forget about everything else, but the fear was never to far off...

"What are your plans?" I wondered out loud.

"To make love to my wife on this couch, if she lets me."

My stomach jumped at 'wife' and I probably was blushing thanks to the rest of the comment as well. No matter how much time I spend with him, Brian would always hold this power over me to make me feel awkward and at the same time make my heart feel strangely warm. I would never admit that to him though.

"You know what I mean," I said instead and turned my face away, so that he couldn't see my flushed state.

Brian sighed, probably realising whatever he was trying to do, wasn't working on me the way he wanted it to. "Well I don't know, talk to some people to organise a few things, so that I can work on some music. Do perhaps some minor renovations on the house, there are a few things that have been bugging me since I moved in and well... Beside that enjoy my life I suppose."

I bid my lip. "The house is perfectly fine... The only thing I would perhaps change was the pool."

"I love swimming," Brian remarked, making me turn around to glare at him, which only resulted in him chuckling quietly. "Charlie, you said somebody had to die, so would getting rid of the pool really change something?"

"I... I don't know. It scares me..." I admitted weakly. He was right, it probably wouldn't change anything, but that didn't mean it made me feel any better. In all my time here I haven't gone near it and it hadn't only been, because it had been too cold for a swim, but it was mainly fear. Every time I saw the pool, I saw Brian drowning as well. 

"I'll think about it. Promise," he said and I really hoped he would. 

Thank you for reading, voting and commenting.♡♡♡

Preview:

"I wanted to thank you for today, I-I my mother wasn't always fair to you, but I appreciate what you did today and she would have too..."

"It was the least I could do... You helped me so much in the past..." I mumbled and continued to clean the plates. I had avoided to look at Edgar the whole day and definitely wouldn't stop with it now, when we were alone in his kitchen. He stepped closer to me and instinctively I wanted to step aside, but I had no reason to do so. It would only have looked strange. Instead I turned towards him and was about to tell him how sorry I was for his loss again, when I met his eyes. It was unfair why did they have to be  so similar to Brian's? I swallowed hard and stepped aside. "Edgar, I-"  

"You- you married him," he interrupted me suddenly and I didn't know if it was supposed to be a question or not or how he even knew about it. "Your necklace," he added after a moment.

Out of reflex I touched it and had to realise it had slipped out of my blouse. I hadn't even meant to wear it, but Brian had urged me too. He got why I was against wearing a ring, but I could hardly argue against wearing a necklace with a ring on it. It didn't have to mean anything and still Edgar made the right assumption... I wasn't sure why it irked me, but it did and lying to him seemed wrong. There was no reason for me not to tell him that I had married Brian. 

"I-yes I did," was all I mumbled.

"Congratulations."