I love the way you walk when you pass me by 
And even when you try to snub me 
You kiss me, honey when you give me the eye 
But baby, I want to be loved. 
*

A.N: Sorry last chapter was even a bit too much drama for this story, but well... There's not too much time left and well so maybe Brian and Charlie have to rush things a bit more from now on. So a quick warning: there's going to happen a lot in the next few chapters, but we're close to the end. Well "close". There are probably still 20 chapters left. lol

I couldn't believe Mary had just left so abruptly or everything else that had happened. 

How could I have been so blind? I had suspected that there was something more between Mary and Brian, but I always overthought things, so how could I have known that for once I maybe could have been right? It was a mess.

Brian had tried to comfort me, but I had told him to leave me be. Reluctantly he had obliged and I had sat down in my room, not sure what to do, to think or even to feel.  All I knew in that moment was that I could understand why Mary wanted to go back. On some days I wished for the exact same thing... No worries over death or anything else, just Mary and me in a bar. Of course I knew we couldn't have gone on forever like that nor did I regret meeting Brian, but on some days my life just seemed easier back then.

I didn't want my old life back though, all I wanted was for this one to be less messy... But maybe life was supposed to be and I only had no idea, because I always had been on my own. Now there were so many factors and people added to it, that I had no idea what to think about first... It was however hard to ignore the most obvious one. 

Did I really want to know what Brian and Mary agreed on? What I know was bad enough that I doubted I wanted to hear the rest... It hurt to think that my best friend would sell me that easily, even if I suspected she had her reasons. Mary was in a difficult situation right now and some money could have helped her at least for a while... She had to think about herself and the child first. So could I really blame her for taking it?

Maybe not. And Brian? He just wanted me to be there for him, when he didn't have much time left... It might have been naive of me, but I couldn't be angry with either of them. I was disappointed, but not mad. I had no idea where that left me though, what was I supposed to do? Forgive them and move on as if nothing had happened, because there was no time left or should I confront them and risk another fight?

For somebody that could see the future I didn't know a thing about it, I thought. Under different circumstances I would never have considered it, but maybe another glance into the future was what I needed to find out what had changed...

Then again did it matter? 

The end would remain the same, somebody had to die. No matter what happened that would never change... Brian would drown on the 3rd July. My stomach dropped at the thought and I realised that Brian probably was right that I would choose him, always. It was unfair, but Mary, she had still so much time left... We could always make up later, but there was no later with Brian. There only was a now. 

I had no other choice, but to forgive him.

Everything else would have been a waste of time in the end. I wouldn't leave him nor break up with him, so sooner or later I would have to forgive him anyway, which meant I could just as well forgive him immediately. No matter how wrong it felt... Maybe I could understand why he had done it, but that didn't mean I approved of it. Brian had taken away my best friend and a chance to finally meet my father... He had been manipulating me and ordering me around since we met, but this time he had gone too far, especially when I was for once doing everything he wanted... It hurt and I just felt sick.

I needed to concentrate on something else to get a bit of distance first, before I could just pretend nothing had happened between us. For once I was nearly glad we had so many unresolved issues, that choosing one to distract myself with wasn't that hard at all.

Brian's ultimatum wasn't up yet. I still had about 3 days left, but I didn't care. I was going to quit early, in hope it would maybe give me enough time to talk to Brian, even if that failed at least it gave me more time in between leaving and Mrs Reed's death. Maybe it was even enough for her to come up with a solution to replace me. So that I wouldn't need to feel bad about Edgar as well, when his mother died.

Despised being for once absolutely sure about something, I felt awfully sick. Edgar had asked me at least 5 times if I was alright, which I had mostly ignored and just asked him where his mother was and if I could speak with her.

Mrs Reed was in her office, in which I had only been on a few rare occasions and now would probably be the last time. My stomach turned and I nearly feared I would have to vomit. I didn't want to leave my job if I was completely honest with myself, but it was the right thing to do, wasn't it? I took a deep breath, but no words left my mouth. I couldn't voice it.

"So what do you need?" Mrs Reed asked and got up from her chair behind her desk and walked over to the window. "I doubt you're just here to talk about the weather. You want something from me, don't you?" She commented patronisingly. "Another day off or more money? If it is, you can just forget about it. You should already be thankful that I let somebody like you work here."

I flinched and I caught myself thinking that maybe her death wouldn't be for the worst. I shook my head and took another deep breath, at least her hostility made it easier to leave.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this job anymore... I know it is rather abrupt, but I'm not feeling very good and I have other responsibilities to my boyfriend as well. I'm deeply sorry," I said as fast as I could before the anger over her comment left me and I would chicken out again. 

There was a short silence and that I only saw her back didn't help my nerves either. "You do realise he will leave you, if he finds out you're pregnant?"

My eyes widened at her question. "I'm not-"

"You don't have to pretend," she interrupted me, still not bothering to turn around to look at me. "I'm not stupid or why else are you always running off to the bathroom or using my son to come up with silly excuses for your absences? You're not that far along yet, but you did start to gain weight, which I suppose is good. You were definitely too skinny when you started to work here."

I had lost some weight when Brian had left me in January and with everything that had been going on after that I hadn't exactly had much of an appetite... Then it had started to get a bit better and with Mary after me I had indeed gained weight again, but that didn't mean I was pregnant... And the bathroom, I just run off to hide there. Nothing else. The thought however scared me.

"I-I" was all I got out.

"Your friend fathered already a few children, didn't he? And he bothered with none of the mothers, so in your place I would try to look for an alternative," Mrs Reed continued and finally bothered to turn around. "Edgar likes you and he would marry you despised your bastard child. Think about it, it would be for the best."

I definitely felt like vomiting at this point. This was so wrong and then it sounded so simple at the same time. Marrying Edgar would give me everything I ever wanted, but I couldn't... I couldn't betray Brian in such an awful way. Despised everything he had done, I had feelings for him and he would never forgive me, if I left him now... I didn't want to think about the consequences if I did. Brian dying was already awful enough, but knowing it would be my fault would only make it worse... I would stay with him until the very end. I gulped everything down and said something I would never have voiced under different circumstances.

"I-I- We're engaged." 

Mrs Reed either didn't believe me or she wasn't impressed. Her face remained emotionless. "That doesn't mean he'll marry you nor that he offers you a secure life. Edgar would. Charlotte, you're not stupid, so think about it, but I agree with you on one thing a woman in your state shouldn't work."

There was nothing I could have replied to that. She wasn't wrong, but that didn't mean she was right either. At this point I just wanted to leave and kept silent throughout the rest, wishing it to be over soon. I hardly registered what went on, beside the last words Mrs Reed said to me before she bid me farewell. 

"I hope you think about what I said. Edgar likes you." 

I run out as fast as I could and the way home was mostly a blur, but at least I managed to get there before I threw up. Again and again. I had to have emptied my stomach at least three times by the time, I finally believed it to be over. I washed my mouth, but still felt the horrible taste inside it nor was the unwell feeling of earlier gone and I doubted it would be any time soon. 

"Are you fine? You've been vomiting the whole time since you've got back... Should I take you to a doctor?" Brian asked. He was still standing in the doorway of the bathroom, looking rather unsure and worried. He had turned up at some point, but hadn't dared to say or do anything, not after what had only happened the day before. His worry seemed to have won in the end though, even if I was still not in the mood to deal with him. I needed some time for me, to sort my thoughts and not a doctor. I wasn't sick, just troubled. 

"I'm fine. It's just my nerves probably," I replied and dried my face off. In the mirror I could see that Brian had stepped closer to me and I took a deep breath before I felt his arms around me. Water. Suffocating. Death. 

"Are you sure? You definitely don't look good..." he nearly whispered in my ear.

"I-If we go see a doctor, it will be all over the news by tomorrow. You're not exactly inconspicuous and I'll be fine," I mumbled and stepped away from him. His comfort had somehow a sad effect on me, though I couldn't explain why. Maybe I felt betrayed? I wasn't sure. "I just- I left my job and I'm scared, I think. Nothing more. You don't have to worry, I-I just need a moment on my own..." I said and just wanted to get away. Surprisingly Brian let me leave. I expected him to chase after me to stop me from running off. He didn't, but he stopped me from leaving nonetheless, at least momentarily.

"Are you pregnant?"

"I'm not," I replied and my urge to get away got even stronger. Brian seemed to suspect it, because he was by my side in a heartbeat again. This was probably the last topic I wanted to talk about, especially not after what had happened earlier with Mrs Reed. I just wanted to forget everything, but that never seemed to be an option nowadays. 

"Are you sure and what about your vision?" 

I sighed. "At least you didn't say I gained any weight..."

Brian frowned at my comment, he obviously couldn't know that he was the second person to assume today that I was perhaps pregnant. "You did gain some weight, but that seemed rude to point out, especially when it makes you look a little bit more alive. You're so damn pale all the time, that I'm surprised no one at the funeral parlour mixed you up with a corpse." I glared at him, but Brian seemed hardly impressed. He simply shrugged. "You pointed out your weight not me."

"It doesn't matter anyway," I retorted rolling my eyes and finally found my courage to leave, but Brian didn't want to give up that easily. He followed me.

"You're not worried I would leave you if you're pregnant or anything, are you? You know you can talk to me."

I nearly snorted. That definitely wasn't what I was worried about. Brian breaking up with me seemed to be currently my least problem. "No that's definitely not it and I'm not pregnant. It's really just my nerves... But if I were, I would be more worried about the idea that the child could be like me or if I had to see it die before my eyes everyday... I'm not sure if I could handle that or even be a good mother to begin with... On this matter you're actually my least worry."

Brian stopped in his steps and seemed dumbfounded for a moment. I had no idea why though, I hadn't exactly said anything new to him. I was sure I had mentioned to him at least once before, why I couldn't have a family or children. Maybe he had ignored it, I still had no idea how Brian's mind worked most of the time, even though  I had to admit his confusion made me curious, I walked on and I nearly had reached my room. Of course I knew I wasn't safe there if Brian really wanted to have this discussion, but it was worth a try.  

"I-I- I thought you wan-" Brian started off, before I had reached the door, but he seemed to change his mind about what he wanted to say. "You could always get rid of it, if you got pregnant... Have an abortion. You don't have to go through that..."

I felt as if somebody had just dropped a bucket full of ice cold water all over me. I shuddered and trembled. Never in a million years that idea would have crossed my mind... I couldn't believe it. "That's murder, Brian!" I exclaimed shocked. "How can you even propose something like that? If I were pregnant, the child would be our responsibility and I can't just take the choice for it to live or to die... It deserves a chance."

Brian didn't seem taken back by my outburst, he probably had suspected me to disagree and only shrugged. "It's your responsibility, not mine. I'll be gone before it is even born and for once I'm not even to blame. So you're free to do what you want, I just wanted to tell you that you have a choice."

I bid my lip. "Maybe you-"

"Save it. We both know how this will end... I will die," he mumbled bitterly. "At least if you get pregnant, you won't sacrifice yourself for me. I should have thought about it earlier and I was planning on locking you up."

I tensed up. Surprised that he had thought that far ahead, especially when I had never told him exactly when he was going to die... he couldn't have made plans, could he? I wondered. Brian seemed to sense my confusion and continued. 

"You're stubborn when you want to be and locking you up seemed easier than arguing with you to stay away, but you probably don't want to die for me if you're pregnant. As you said you can't choose for the child."

I could, I thought, but I had seen in what that ended... So much guilt, sadness and death. He was right I couldn't do that to him nor any possible child, but neither did it have to happen. I sighed. "Well I'm not pregnant and it doesn't have to happen..."

"And your vision?" Brian inquired and stepped closer to me again. I hadn't looked at him throughout the whole conversation and neither did I want to look at him now, but I had this strange longing to hug him. I felt bad and I just wanted him to hold me to give me at least the impression everything was alright for a moment... Even if it wasn't.  

"There was one of Marry getting married as well and that obviously didn't happen. I no longer know if I can trust them..." I admitted. "Maybe I-"

"Or maybe it hasn't happened yet," Brian interrupted me. He was now standing next to me and could have easily reached out for me, if he wanted to. "Mary could call you in a week and invite you to her wedding. It wouldn't surprise me that much."

Me neither, I thought, but I didn't dare to say it. 

For a moment, we just stood there before the door of my room in silence, until I felt Brian's arms around me. Water. Suffocating. Death. "I'm sorry about what happened... I didn't mean to hurt or to upset you. I-I love you."

My chest felt heavy at his words and I really wanted to forgive him, but there was a little voice in the back of my head that warned me and it won at least in that moment. I couldn't have been mad at him forever, but his lies had hurt, especially one. "What did you do to the letter I got from my father?"

I heard him sigh and his hold on me weakened for an instant. "I read it and threw it away."

"That bad?" 

"You don't want to know..." Brian mumbled quietly. "Your father doesn't deserve you and well you don't need him anyway. We're about to become a family, aren't we? You and I-" he made a break to take a deep breath, before he continued, "and the possible little one."

His hug tightened again and all I wanted to do was cry. Brian was right. I didn't need my father, even if I would have liked to know the truth perhaps, but I wasn't alone. My eyes started to water and I stopped fighting the urge and gave in. Sobbing I held onto Brian, who kissed my head. It was stupid, pointless and I knew it couldn't happen, but if I was honest I wanted to have exactly what he had described. To be a family with him. With a child. It was a stupid fantasy, one that never would become true. He was dying and I could never be normal, but the thought was still nice.

"James Keith Jones."

"Keith?" The confusion in Brian's voice was obvious and it was even more so in his face, when he let go off me a bit to look at me. I nearly had to laugh despised the tears I still was shedding. 

"I promised Keith to name a child after him and well James is the name of my brother," I explained smiling. Brian didn't seem to share my amusement though. He pulled a face.

"I'm not naming any child of mine Keith," he exclaimed stubbornly. 

"As you said the child will be my responsibility, so I'll name him what I want and I like the name."

Brian sighed. "But Keith? It will look like it's his son, which I strongly hope isn't the case."

Now it was my turn to sigh. The Keith discussion was growing old and it had probably not helped that Brian had found out that I had kissed Keith. Still it was ridiculous. "How often do I need to tell you? I never slept with Keith! You heard him all I ever talk about is you and that's apparently not a huge turn on."

I expected Brian to be mad or grumpy, but he was neither, instead he was smiling. "Let's get married next week."

"Why?" I asked confused. "So that you can brag to Keith about it?"

Again he surprised me by pecking me on the lips. "That's tempting, but no. I just don't want to push this off. There are still a few more things I want to do and well you know..." 

Of course I did, but no matter how wrong I feared this decision was, I couldn't turn him down. I loved Brian more than anything. 

Thanks for reading, voting and commenting. ♡♡♡

Preview:

"So that's the guy, you like? He's a cry baby." It was very low off Brian to call Edgar a cry baby, when he had just lost his mother and even more when Brian had cried more than once on my shoulder for different things, but I supposed he was only jealous and hence I ignored his comment. "And he's ugly," he added, which made me laugh.

"You do realise you two look alike?"

"I'm much better looking than this guy!" Brian retorted grumpily. "Have you ever looked at him?"

"If it's a comfort you're very different character-wise..."