Yeah can I come out on the front
And listen to my heart go bumpety bump
I need you baby that's no lie
Without your love I'd surely die 
*

It was awkward.

I've been with Brian for so long and we've been so often on our own, but it was different now. We had our moments where I hadn't felt at ease with him and some where I had really enjoyed his company. However, this was the first time I felt awkward with him without him even doing anything. Alone his presence seemed to be able to make me nervous and I nearly would have preferred to stay with Mary, even thought that too was embarrassing. No matter how often she reassured me that she hadn't seen or heard anything and had indeed waited until we were finished, I couldn't shake the feeling off that she was lying. It might have been a stupid thought, especially when everyone seemed to be quite freely with their love life, but I wasn't and I preferred it to stay private. Mary might have no problem with everyone knowing what she was up to, but I had, which went to the degree that I could hardly look at Brian without feeling hugely embarrassed.

In the past, it had been easy to shrug off or to ignore whenever something similar intimate had happened, simply because I could tell myself that it meant nothing, which was no longer true. I felt this huge need in me to reach out to him and never let him go. At the same time, I felt immensely insecure and wanted nothing more than to run off. Brian had seen a lot of women and I had nothing I could offer him. I was inexperienced and unattractive. All I had was death and nobody wanted that.

"You could move into my room. I mean if you want," Brian suddenly said as we entered his house. Since we had left my old flat, no one of us had said much. I had about a million questions for him, but I couldn't find the courage to voice them and Brian's silence I supposed was probably a try to give me space until I was ready for a conversation we sooner or later needed to have or maybe I was only misjudging him again. Brian was still hard to figure out for me or at least in certain situation he was. Therefore, I didn't really know what to reply to his request either. He probably meant well, but so much closeness was a huge step for me and I wasn't sure I could take this risk, just after I had taken a different one. Turning his offer down however, sounded like something he would misunderstand again.

"I-I-"

"You can stay in yours too, I don't want to scare you off," he said. His tone gentle and a small smile on his lips, which ironically scared me. I don't know why, but it seemed unreal. We had argued so much and that had always felt more real than him being actually nice and understanding to me.

"I- I can leave my things there, just like before. It was good like that, wasn't it? "

I knew I had said the wrong thing when he didn't reply and just headed to my room like I wasn't even there at all. I run after him, thinking about how to explain to him that whatever he thought I had meant was not what I had meant at all, but the only thing I came up with was that Mary was right. We were indeed complicated.

Brian had sat my suitcase down on the floor and I thought he would just run off again. Leaving me here wondering, what had gone wrong ahain, but he didn't. "I don't want to have what we had before. I'm no job and no arrangement." He took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. "I want a chance, a real one, even if that means I have to play by your rules. Touching to a minimum, you having your own space and so on, but don't push me away."

I didn't want to have this discussion now. Not when there was something else that unnerved me far more than how we would figure our relationship out. We had waited so long with it, that it could probably wait a few moments more. "Why did you leave?"

Which was apparently a topic Brian didn't want to talk about, judging by his annoyed face. "I just wanted a break and I thought we already discussed this. I'm sorry, okay? Can we-"

"No we can't just forget about it and go on like nothing happened at all!" I nearly yelled at him. Surprising him and me, but I couldn't just move on with no explanation. Not after what he had put me through in the last weeks. "Can you imagine how worried I was? I-I You want to play by my rules, then answer my questions and tell me why you left!"

"You can be really bossy sometimes, you know?" He remarked and I felt this huge need to strangle him. He might be amused by this whole affair, but I certainly wasn't. "Okay I get it, you're angry and I earn that, but really I only wanted a break. I don't even know from what... This whole thing probably. Just getting away and not thinking about you, the band, my death, everything. Sorting my thoughts. Nothing more."

"And you couldn't have told me that instead of just running off?"

Brian sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't think, okay? I just wanted to leave for a day, but then I thought you would be better off without me and fuck I don't know... Blimey I didn't even manage to really leave, because being the egoistic asshole I am, I didn't want to leave you alone after all. Can we just for-"

"No!" Paniced, I interrupted him. His words sounded so good and there was a huge part of me that just wanted that, to forgive and forget, but he had turned me into this nervous mess and I couldn't give in. I was stronger than that, or I at least thought so. "I can't. I-I lost my job!"

Brian looked speechless for a moment and I was too in a way, of all the things I could have said to him, I complained about my job? It was ridiculous. I already had a new one and it was my least worry, but voicing my other fears seemed harder. He might have claimed that he hadn't slept with anyone, but could I really trust him on that? On the other hand, did I really want to know what he had done? Probably not. Maybe some things were better left unknown.

"How?"

"I didn't- "I started off, but stopped. Did I really want to admit how stupid I had been, because of him? How desperate? "Does it matter? I already have a new one and it's closer to here. You just need to get me a record signed-"

"Somehow I thought you were the last person to use my acquaintance like that, but fine I sign it for you," he interrupted me visibly amused now. "So you finally figured out that being with me can have advantages too."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Mr. Evan asked me for it, I surely didn't offer. I don't care about that."

"I know, even if it wouldn't be so bad if you would appreciate me more. There are lots of girls who would give up everything they had to be in your position."

I know Brian hadn't meant anything bad by it, but it hurt. Even if I wasn't exactly sure what did, the voice telling me I was just one of many girls or the thought that I would in return give up him and everything else, if I could just be like those girls. No visions, no death and not being in a questionable relationship with a musician who was known to be a womanizing liar and a cheater, but just a normal boring life.

"Does your job really mean that much to you?" Brian asked interrupting my thoughts. I frowned confused at first at his question, not understanding what he was talking about until I realised that he had probably misunderstood my silence for something different.

"I feel comfortable with it and I like being normal," I said and finally sat down next to him on the bed. This felt like we were heading towards a longer discussion and I didn't want to spend it standing awkwardly by the door, even if I wasn't sure if sitting awkwardly next to Brian was a better choice. There was some distance between us for now, but knowing him he soon would move closer yo me and as much as I wanted him to reach out for me, I wanted him to stay away too. He made me nervous and his death was not helping, but at the same time I liked being with him. It made me feel less alone and more normal, nearly like I wasn't different from anybody else.

Brian too seemed deep in thought and for a few moments we just sat there without a word exchanged between us. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but I had no idea where to start. We had so little time and with every minute that passed we got closer to something we both didn't want. I was still angry at him for leaving, but at the same time I started to wonder if it really was necessary. Arguing with him wouldn't change a thing, not when he ignored all his other problems. Keith was right with Brian being less drugged up and overall a bit better, but there still was one huge factor in his life he had ignored until now and that wasn't me, but The Rolling Stones.

Keith might have agreed to help me keep him in until August, but that was no solution. Brian had to decide what he wanted to do, because it surely couldn't continue like this. I knew we had to talk about it sooner or later, even if I had no idea how to approach it. Brian surely wouldn't want me to meddle, especially not in this. The band meant a lot to him and it was a very touchy topic.

"Maybe you're not so wrong with that... You said I needed to change my life around, so maybe I need some of your normality too. Get married and settle down."

I bid my lip. That was the third time now Brian had talked to me about marriage, without counting his nearly desperate marriage proposal at the beginning and it unnerved me. Of course it didn't necessarily mean that he wanted to marry me, surely not, but still I felt my stomach turn. I had a very bad feeling about this and I knew I had to change the topic, before this conversation took a turn where I never would have gotten out again. Especially when I saw the look of affection on his face directed towards me.

"And the band?" I blurted out. This surely was the wrong way to approach it, but everything was better than this marriage idea.

"What?" Brian exclaimed, totally perplexed. Probably not understanding where I was coming from.

"The Rolling Stones what about them? I mean you're having problems and I worry. If you want to change something, start there, rather than-"

"Than what?" He interrupted me turning fully towards me and I immediately put more distance between us, before he could get even closer. "No, I'm not falling for that again. You're just trying to get off the topic at hand, because you don't want to talk about us."

He wasn't wrong, but as much as I didn't want to talk about our relationship, he didn't want to talk about the band and we both knew it. "No I'm not. I'm seriously worried, Keith mentioned you missed sessions with them and-"

"You talked with Keith about the band?" He interrupted me again and I realised my mistake. Until now, I could always have told him that I had been with Keith, because I had needed a friend, but why should we have talked about the band then? There was no logical reason and Brian was no idiot. "You never cared about it before! Or don't tell... Is that what this about? Did Keith tell you to get me to leave on my own? So they won't have to deal with me anymore?"

"Brian no-"

"That's why you were with Keith, isn't it?" he interrupted me anew and I knew there was no way around it now. I had to tell him something, even if the truth was no option. I seriously doubted Brian would want Keith's help and I feared that stressing him out again would only cause him to disappear again, which was the last thing I wanted.

"I visited Mary and well Keith was there and he asked where you were, because you had missed a session again. Nothing more" I could clearly see that Brian was not believing me, but I couldn't blame him my story was weak, even if it was true. "I-I fought with Mary and Keith brought me to his home, because I was not in the right state of mind" I quickly added, hopping to at least diffuse some of his suspicions.

"You're a bad liar. Why should Keith be with Mary and why should you fight with her? This makes no sense," Brian pointed out, but in a calmer tone now. However, the look of suspicion was still very prominent on his face.

"Keith and Mary, they-" I had promised Keith not to say anything, but I doubted Brian would mind that  as much as he would if I told him why I really had been with Keith. "They're having an affair and I was angry at her for cheating on Ben and well other things."

"What other things? And don't just say it's nothing. I earn as much an explanation as you did."

I nearly rolled my eyes at him again. His explanation had been nearly as good as none at all, but I really didn't want to fight with him again. It might feel less awkward to argue with him than to talk to him, but it didn't make me feel better at all, if not I felt even worse. No matter what, I couldn't deny that I was very glad to have him back, which annoyed me again in return. I didn't like being this lovesick person, especially with Brian.

"Mary told me to leave you, because you were having the time of your life, while I was drowning myself in alcohol... Do I need to go on or is that good enough for you?" I replied crossing my arms before my chest.

Brian snorted. "I like her less and less... "

"You never liked her much anyway."

"True, but at least that way, you don't need to fear that I'm ever going to have an affair with her," he said and I felt my stomach drop again. Did he always have to remind me off that? I wanted to trust him, but how could I?

"Can I hold you?" he suddenly asked after a few moments in which I hadn't bothered to reply to his Mary remark. I simply nodded and not a moment later I felt his arms around my waist. Water. Suffocating. Death. I was a bit astonished that he had bothered to ask, but maybe he was really trying for my sake and I was doing him wrong?

I wanted to look at him, but his head lay on my shoulder and I didn't want to move. His hug had something calming about it and it put me at ease. Something that felt so good couldn't be wrong, could it? Both of us could be dead in a few months and it seemed silly of me to keep him away then, he was right he earned a chance, a real one. I pulled his hand away from my waist and took it in mine and gently squeezed it.

"I love you."

Sorry for the longer wait I had a very bad case of writer's block, I think I rewrote this chapter 5 times at least and I still don't really like it, but well...

Thanks for reading, voting and of course feedback! 🐧🐧🐧

P.S. For whatever reason Wattpad won't tell me if sb comments on my stories, so if I missed out to reply to a comment I'm sorry. 😦

Preview:

"Thank you," I replied and wanted to go, but before I could Brian pulled me into a hug. Water. Suffocating. Death. His lips were upon mine and I shuddered. Seeing him die and then feeling him kiss me was something I could do without... It was heart-breaking.

"Don't take too long," he said and I felt my heart ache even more. I forced a smile on my face as I left.