She left me standing here just high and dry
A minute I was up there standing by her side
The next I was down there, well, left out of the ride and
High and dry oh, what a way to go

*

This time he avoided me.

I understood that he wanted to leave me space for my decision, but this was ridiculous and I surely didn't want this... I mean I had no idea if I really liked Brian in that way, but neither did I want him to totally ignore me, especially when I tried to make an effort. I had made more than once a try to engage in a simple conversation with him, but every time he brushed me off and left me standing there like a complete idiot, which I maybe deserved a bit. He was right I had left him hanging on and maybe had given him false hope and not only with this. I was doing nothing else with my visions, I told him they could change and so on, but nothing did. We were still where we had started off. If not it looked even worse now, before we had a simple arrangement with no strings attached and now we had a tangled mess and I had no idea how we could untangle it.

I nearly wished I could have turned back time and never met him. My life might have been sad and lonely before, but at least not this... I liked being with him of course, but the more time I spend with him the more scared I got that this was going to end in heartache... Not only for him, but for me as well. What was the point of being with him, when he died in the end? I had lost already too many people and I doubted I could handle to lose Brian. I really cared too much for him and everything in me screamed at me to give him a chance, especially in August... So much stress would be lifted from us both then and maybe this would work out or maybe I was starting to get delusional. Still I couldn't deny him this at least... August seemed so far away and still with every second that passed it got closer and it scared me, because I couldn't shake the question off if Brian would still be around then.

I really hoped he was.

Even if he would indeed throw me out after he had no need for me any longer, I wouldn't mind as long as he was still around somewhere. It might hurt, but not as much as losing him for forever would. It took me nearly two weeks of complete ignoring on his part to come with this and I still wasn't sure if I really loved him or not, or maybe I only couldn't admit it to myself.

Brian seemed to have come to a conclusion of his own during this time. Some of his stuff was gone, when I came back from work one Friday and that's how I realised how far he was going to take this "give me time to think" business. I spend the whole weekend on my own waiting for him to finally return. I knew it was stupid, but I felt like if something happened to him and I wasn't home I would never forgive myself. Not even alcohol managed to calm me down and I went to Brian's things looking for a joint, with the hope that this would at least help me a bit, because I couldn't even sleep the way I was and surprisingly it did. I had no idea how, but somehow I had just drifted off to sleep. Saturday and Sunday were mostly a blur, still I kept waiting for him. Monday I looked more dead than the actual corpses I had to work with... Mr Evan nearly had a heart attack, when he saw me and send me home immediately and told me to come back when I was better, which I doubted would happen in this lifetime.

I had next to none recollections of the following week, whenever I started to feel clearer, everything caught up with me and I started drowning it again. I didn't want to think or be reminded of something ever again. I knew this wouldn't help nor change a thing, but it felt so good just too forget about everything... I hated being on my own, especially in his house, where everything reminded me of him and this at least gave me some comfort. Everything seemed easier and I think I started to see why Brian had drifted so off in the first place. It was easier than living. Just numbing everything to the point you simply didn't care anymore. I knew I was going down a very dark road and I desperately should turn around, but I had no idea how.

In the past I had Mary and my job to keep me sane, but I couldn't always rely on her if I needed to take a decision or hide behind my work. I had to do this myself or everything would fall apart. I couldn't continue like this nor could I go back to my old life. I wasn't the same person I was back in October when all of this had started out and I needed to let go off that part of my life to move on and continue to the future or I probably would have none at all.

I thought about leaving my job, but I had no idea what to do about it... I had fought too hard with Brian to keep it, to just give it up now... Still if I kept this up for longer I probably had no choice in the matter. I doubted Mr. Evan would just let me keep my job, if I didn't turn up for work anymore... I knew I had to go, but I couldn't I had no motivation left. I just didn't see the point anymore nor did I really want to be confronted with death any more than I already was. At first it might have been a good idea to work in a funeral parlour, because the death didn't give me any visions, but now I felt like death was following me around wherever I went or maybe I was starting to get paranoid.

However what else was I supposed to do?

Brian might have been right that it was stupid to cling so desperately to my job and never do anything else, especially when I really enjoyed painting, but I wasn't in the mood for that now. First I needed to get somewhere on the right track again and throwing everything out of the window, because Brian had left me all alone was stupid. I was so angry at him and still I think if I was honest for a minute I was more at myself than him, because I hated to admit that I missed him more than anything, but I had no idea how to contact him or where he had even disappeared to. Which seemed kind of ironic, for somebody whose greatest fear seemed to be that I left him and now he had left me without a word.

I doubted that Keith would know, but I supposed this wasn't the first time Brian had run off either and maybe he could at least help me in a way. He didn't reply however, when I called him and so I decided to visit Mary finally. I had pulled off talking to her for some time now, because I knew she wouldn't like to hear about this. I didn't know if Ben had told her that I missed some work again, but she must have been suspecting something, because she had apparently visited Ben last week at work and obviously I hadn't been there. However, me missing some work was the least problem, Mary would hardly be amused over the fact that Brian had left me. I hadn't wanted to bother her with that again, especially when her life seemed to go so well for the moment. She and Ben were genuinely happy as far as I could see and I didn't want to disturb their peace with my problems. Still visiting her seemed like a good idea to get my mind at least a bit off of everything.

I rung Mary's bell, but nobody answered, which surprised me. It was a Saturday in the middle of the day and as far as I knew she had nothing planned with Ben, which meant she should have been home. I shrugged and thought that she maybe had just stepped out to buy something and without a further thought I opened the door and nearly immediately went out again. She was at home, but busy. Walking in on Brian had been awkward that time, but something I could have ignored, but Mary and Ben just seemed wrong. I sat down with a drink and turned the television on to fade out their sounds and it helped. I would have completely left, but I really didn't want to go outside again. It rained and I had no idea where to go anyway and I thought that at this point it didn't really matter anyway. My glass was nearly empty and the noises stopped too, making me sigh relieved.

Mary was the first to come down, she looked a tad shocked upon seeing me. "Charlie? What are you doing here? "she asked as she closed her bathrobe completely.

I shrugged. "I wanted to talk to you and I thought you weren't busy... Well sorry for that. I didn't mean to disturb you or anything, if I had known Ben was here with you, I would have come by a bit later."

She still looked pale and I frowned. What was her problem? Usually she wasn't the shy one from us and it wasn't like I had heard anything unusual. "Hey I think I head home now..." I was happy that I wasn't holding my glass in that moment or I surely would have dropped it. Keith was just about to put on his t-shirt as he entered my view. "Fuck," he said as he saw me as well.

"You can say that again..." I mumbled.

"Charlie, this it was an accident... Please you can't tell Ben about it," Mary pleaded and finally I understood why she looked so shocked to see me. Of course she couldn't want anybody to know that she had just cheated on Ben.

I sighed. "I thought you liked Ben...."

"I do, but he came around and one thing lead to another and well... please," she begged.

I shook my head. "I'm not telling him, but that doesn't mean I think this is alright..."

"Thank you. I'll just get dressed and we can talk about whatever you wanted to..." She practically run out of the room and left me alone with Keith which felt even more awkward than with her in the room.

"I would be happy if you didn't tell Brian about this either... or the others," Keith said, making me frown, but I nodded anyway. I could see why Mary didn't want me to tell Ben, but why didn't he want the others to know and why should I even tell them to begin with? I doubt Brian would care if Keith slept with Mary or any another girl.

"And sorry I didn't mean to well sleep with your best friend..." He really looked guilty, even if again I didn't understand why. He had done me no wrong. The only one he probably should be sorry for was Ben. I maybe didn't like him much, but he definitely didn't earn this, especially when he was madly in love with Mary and probably would do everything for her...

I sighed. "She's old enough to take her own decisions... Even if I don't like them. I really thought she was happy with Ben..."

"He's the guy you work with?" Keith asked and I simply nodded again. I was a bit surprised that Keith knew that, as far as I could remember I never told him Mary was dating my college or something, but well maybe Mary had said something. Apparently there had been something going on between the two without my knowledge. Keith had mentioned that he had talked to her, but I hadn't imagined that they were so close... Especially when Mary had always been so head over heels for Mick.

"Is something wrong? You don't look good like you haven't slept in ages." I bid my lip, this was my chance to ask him about Brian, but did I really want to complain to him and Mary again. I had the feeling I did nothing else. I just seemed to run to them when I had a problem and never asking what went on in their life. Mary kept me updated, because she simply liked to talk even without me actually needing to say much, but Keith? I had no idea what he did most of the time.

"I don't know."

"I'll fetch something to drink and you can tell us everything," Mary exclaimed and Keith sat down next to me on the couch. I sighed and turned the television off again. There was nothing much to tell, but at least the awkwardness had disappeared.

"Are you alright?" Keith asked. He really looked concerned and touched me on my arm. Old. Death. I just nodded and Mary came back with three glasses of scotch.

"So what happened?" She asked as she sat down opposite of me in a chair. "There's something more to this visit, isn't there?"

"There- "But I didn't get further until Mary interrupted me again.

"You're not here to tell me you're pregnant aren't you? You can't be. I mean you look thinner... Or is it true that you're now engaged? I think I read that somewhere and I wanted to ask you already about it, but I thought you would tell me if it was true."

I probably paled. Pregnant? Engagement? How did she always come up with these ideas? Before I could however act Keith burst out laughing.

"Who asked you to marry him? Don't tell me you got a new boyfriend without even giving me a chance," he joked.

Mary rolled her eyes. "Brian, of course you idiot, who else? It was in the paper, do you never read what they write about you and your band?"

"Brian? You mean Brian Jones, the one in my band?" Keith asked doubtfully.

Mary rolled her eyes. "Of course or do you know another one? Give me a minute, I think I still have the article somewhere." She jumped up and run towards the kitchen.

"He really asked you to marry him? You're not pregnant or anything?" I sighed, but before I could answer Mary handed him the paper and Keith read through it. I leaned over to him trying to read it as well, but I couldn't see more than the headline Brian Jones engaged? The fond was too small for me to read the rest.

"So is it true?" Mary asked, giving me finally a chance to clear this up.

"No we're not engaged nor am I pregnant!" I exclaimed and I think I heard Keith sigh relieved next to me, but I wasn't sure.

"Yet, you mean..." Mary chuckled. "Charlie, he's mad about you and maybe he simply waits for the right moment. Invites you out for dinner or something and then he orders some champagne or some fancy desert and then at the bottom there's a lovely ring."

Again Keith burst out laughing and I just shook my head. "I think you read too many love novels or watch too many movies."

"And obviously don't know Brian," Keith added. "If he ever asks her to marry him, which I seriously doubt, it will be horribly spontaneous, like lying in bed and he just announces 'let's get married' and after a week he's grown tired of it and throws her out again. No matter how much you think he loves her, Brian isn't the type to do huge romantic gestures. Anyway how is he? I haven't seen or heard from him in quite some time nor did he appear in the studio when he was supposed to. That's nothing new and still it's rather annoying..."

I bid my lip. " Brian left..."

"What happened?" Mary asked.

"We had a discussion and he just left me... I have no idea where he is..."

"That sounds more like a Brian thing to do..." Keith mumbled. "Especially not informing anybody of the band about this... I'm sure if I hadn't been here, we would only have found out what he was up to when he had returned... Whenever that was and I thought he was getting better." He rolled his eyes. "Apparently not. He's still the same moody bastard he always was, maybe he's gotten even worse and finally did it to destroy even the last bit of patience we had for him."

My stomach turned at Keith's words, but I couldn't voice my fears. Luckily Mary didn't seem to have that problem. "Don't tell me your thinking about throwing him out!" she exclaimed.

"Depends... I really shouldn't talk about this and anyway I need to go. See you and well I hope Brian comes back to you." He smiled and hurried out.

"How did that happen?" I asked Mary first because I really wondered how they had ended up together and second I really wanted to get the thought out of my head that they were sacking Brian.

She shrugged. "I really don't know... He came around to talk, about you actually and to eat some cake. One minute we're sitting here and the next we're in the bedroom. You should have come earlier and this wouldn't have happened..."

"I suppose you're not going to tell Ben?"

She shook her head. "He would surely leave me and I really like him. This was only an accident, nothing more and I still think Keith likes you." What was it with people believing he and me were something more? Couldn't a man and a woman just be friends without any sex involved? I wondered. "He came here to talk about you, not with the intention to bed me. Anyway do you want some cake? I hope it's not something about the cake, I really wouldn't like to end up in bed with you! Now that would make things awkward...." I laughed and she gave me a piece. "No strange feelings?" She asked as I took a bite.

I laughed. "No besides that it tastes good."

"Thanks."

"Can I ask you what you told Keith exactly? He mentioned he talked to you some time ago too and I well I am curious... You never liked him much."

"I still don't, this really was an accident..." She cleared her throat. "Well Keith is suspicious of your relationship with Brian and asked me if I knew more. He really can't believe you two are simply together. I mean it's odd, yes, but one must be blind not to see that you two love each other, even if you both are the most complicated people I've ever met. Are you really fine with him just leaving like that? You really don't look good."

"I am not happy with it, but I hardly have a choice. I can't tell him to stay at home, he's free to do what he wants to do."

She raised her eyebrows. "And then you're surprised if Keith is suspicious of your relationship? Charlie, I was really happy for you and everything, but even I start to think it might be better for you to break it off with him. Brian is not doing you good or at least not this complicated mess you both seem to have. You need someone who is easy going and brings you out of your shell and that's definitely not him. Anyway he's probably off sleeping with someone else as you drink yourself to death."

I bid my lip. I didn't need her to tell me this and I surely didn't want to hear what Brian was up to. I wasn't stupid, I exactly knew what he probably was up to, but that didn't mean she had to rub it in my face. What annoyed me the most however was that she was condemning Brian for something she was doing as well. She had at least cheated on Ben once and contrary to me, he probably didn't know what Mary was up to when he wasn't around. It was fucking hypocritical of her to tell me to leave Brian for cheating and I just couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was pushing me around and I just wanted to have some peace for once.

"What do you even know? You're apparently happy with Ben and still you just slept with Keith! So don't tell me how I should behave towards Brian. You don't know anything and I'm surely not going to leave him!" I exclaimed and got up to leave. I didn't want to argue with her, but it really was getting too much.

"Charlie, wait!" She yelled through the staircase, but I didn't stop and just walked on. "I didn't mean it like that, but you can't just shut your eyes to the truth. You heard Keith, they are thinking off sacking him and if he's already unsteady now, how do you think he will be after this? He'll be a mess and I am just trying to keep you out of it. You don't earn this."

I ignored her and walked out of the house into the rain. It was cold, but that wasn't what made me tremble.

Where they really thinking about sacking Brian?

Somehow I feel like writing sorry after every chapter I write... 😅

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Preview:

"I need to talk to you." I simply said as he let me in and we sat down in his living room. I hadn't been in here since the first night we've meet them and it seemed odd to be back here, where so much had started off... It seemed like an eternity ago. Keith offered me a drink, which I more than gladly accepted.

"So what about? You're surely not here to tell me off about before? I told you that was an accident," he said as he sat down with a glass of scotch in a chair opposite off me.