Baby here I stand before you
With my heart in my hand
I put it to you mama
Hoping that you'll understand
*

My head hurt and the bed felt so comfortable, but it was already bright outside and I knew I needed to get up. I slowly sat up, trying not to wake Brian, like usual he had his arm around me and I just had to smile at the view. It really wasn't so bad after two weeks of sleeping on Mary's or well my couch to be back here. Not only because I finally had a bed again to sleep in, but I really had missed him no matter how annoying he sometimes could be.

I had no idea what time we had left... Well Charlie had practically thrown us out, but it had been late and I had drunk more than I had actually planned on thanks to Keith, who always saw it as his duty to refill my glass as soon as it was next to empty. It hadn't been that bad, but still it was enough for a small hungover. My throat was dry, but besides that and a small headache, I was strangely fine. Still I felt like I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the day, but I probably needed to get up sooner than later.

Yesterday going home with Brian had sounded like a good idea, because I had been dead tired and didn't want to sleep on a couch, but now I had second thoughts. There still were some things we hadn't resolved between us and we probably should before we could go back to where we had led off or everything was going to start all over again. The discussions ending in him throwing me out, me walking all over his feelings and this strangely new attraction we had for each other or I at least for him. Brian always had made passes at me and I wasn't sure if this was only a continuation of this or if this was something different... Unlike before this felt more real and honest. In the past it was more like he would have nothing against the idea if I had sex with him, but just for the sake of it. Yesterday and even some time before, it felt more like he actually cared for me than just wanting to sleep with me. Still I wasn't stupid, even if Brian treated me differently than other girls, didn't mean that he honesty had feelings for me.

Happily nothing else had happened beside the kiss on Charlie's terrace and that had been forced. Maybe this wasn't as bad as it looked then, I tried to convince myself but who was I kidding? Luckily I had been so dead tired yesterday, that the minute I had sat down in his car I had fallen asleep and he had nearly dragged me to bed. I didn't want to think what could have happened... I shook my head. We definitely needed to talk about this. I was here to help him and not to warm his bed and I surely didn't want to jeopardize whatever relationship we had, only because I maybe felt attracted to him. Therefore it probably was best if I returned for now to Mary's and contacted him later. Having this discussion only in my underwear in his bed sounded like a very bad idea. I was just about to get up, when I heard somebody groan behind me and I sighed. There went my silent escape.

"Morning," Brian mumbled and then frowned, when he saw me. "Don't tell me you want to run off again?" He asked and sat up next to me.

I sighed. "I need to get home..."

"I thought you wanted to stay with me..."

"I want to... it's just I need to shower and some fresh clothes would be nice..." 

"Mary left some things here, didn't she tell you?" He laughed and I furrowed my brows in confusion. "Guessing by your face, she didn't. Come on, let's sleep some more." He pulled me towards him and we lay down again. My head was on his chest and he brushed my hair with his fingers. I wanted to say something, but my thought were elsewhere. I couldn't believe that Mary had just decided to leave my stuff here and what even more surprised me was that I hadn't even remarked that something was missing. She really must have been sure that we would end up together again.... On the other hand she had threatened me to call him sometime... and I suppose leaving my stuff here gave her something to force me too if I didn't.

"It's shorter..." He mumbled.

"Mary cut it..."

"It looks better." He took a deep breath. "I-"He sighed and loosened his hug to turn towards me, so that I could face him. His hand was still in my hair and his other around my waist. Now it was my turn to take a deep breath, because this definitely wasn't going in the right direction and I knew I had to say something, before this headed somewhere we couldn't simply go back to where we started off.

"Brian, I-"He put his hand out of my hair and on to my lips to silence me.

"I know what you're going to say..."He sighed. "I shouldn't touch you nor make a move on you and you're probably right all we ever do his having discussions and I end up throwing you out... All I ever hear is why I want to be with you, that I don't threat you right, that we don't fit together... But you... You're the first person who hasn't given up on me, whatever happened you always came back and put up with me... I- Ah damn it!" His hand wandered from my lips to my chin and before I could say anything he had pulled my face towards his and his lips were on mine. I pushed him off immediately and wanted to tell him that we couldn't, but no words left my lips. His eyes, it was like they were telling me that I was going to break him, if I did and I had no other choice, but to look away.

"I can't lose you..." He mumbled.

 "You're not... but this isn't a very good idea..."

He sat up and was no longer touching nor holding me. "Why? I need you and you can't tell me that you feel nothing for me. I see it in your eyes and how you behave! So why won't you give me a chance?" He had raised his voice and buried his head in his hands. I felt bad, really bad. Brian was right, of course, I did feel something for him, but that didn't make this more right... Nor was I sure that it was love in the first place. I liked him and surely more than what should have been between us, but love? No that couldn't be and we simply couldn't... Our situation was complicated enough without any feelings added to the mix.

I sat up as well and put my arm around his shoulder and lay my head on his other one. Water. Suffocating. Death. "Brian, I am not one of those girls you can pick up, sleep with and then just drop. We have a deal and this makes it just awkward... and what if this is going to cause your death? I don't want you to die, because you couldn't keep it in your pants..."

"Neither want I you to die and you told me to just accept it... So why can't you accept that I want you? And if somebody could save me it's you... I don't see why we shouldn't, especially if we are dead in a few months... If not now, then when?" He looked up and smiled at me. "And I know you're not one of those or you would have already given in. You might not be the most attractive female out there, but you have you're benefits and I have needs."

I rolled my eyes. "You really know what I like to hear and if this is just that, then look for somebody else. I'm not going-"

He interrupted me again with a kiss, pushing me down into the mattress and again with the same result. I immediately pushed him off me. This time however I got out of bed to get away from him. Brian sat up sighing.

"Charlie, please wait! I didn't mean it like that..."

"Really? Because as far as I'm concerned you exactly meant it like that! All I am to you is some mean to save you or now to settle your needs, but you don't care about me for a minute. I thought you did, but this just proves it." I said and started collecting my clothes, which I had just left on the floor yesterday. "I'll go back to Mary's and come back later. Maybe you found some common sense by then."

He got up and tried to reach out for me, but I evaded him. I just couldn't deal with him grabbing me a new. Devastated he sat down on the edge of his bed. "I love you..."

I tensed up, because I couldn't believe that he had actually said that... He just couldn't have... and he couldn't love me. This was all wrong. He was just trying to get me to sleep with him or something and surely didn't mean this.

"I realised I did when you were gone... I felt empty and worse than I ever had. I couldn't sleep and nothing helped... At first I thought it was, because I was afraid that now that you were gone I would die, but then I just started to miss you. You as a person, I did something and expected you to complain or just be there. Laying in my bed. Sitting in my kitchen, drinking something, but you weren't there... and I thought I would go crazy. I need you here by my side..." He mumbled and my brain still couldn't come up with anything. All I could think about was that this was wrong or he must be mistaken or anything, but this couldn't be true... Brian loving me sounded simply too unreal in my ears.

"I... No." was all I got out.

"You don't believe me and I didn't expect you to... Hell I can hardly believe it myself, even though I felt attracted to you for some time now... I know I called you unattractive and everything, but I never met anybody that intrigued me like you did! Blimey you have visions for goodness sake! You didn't care about fame or money, but for your job and your personal space. Keith has a soft spot for you too and it made me just the more curious. You cling so desperately to your normality and I just wanted to know what was so damn special about you... I needed you and the more time I spend with you the worse it got... You lay in my arms, but always left me in the morning. You argued with me, but were there for me when I needed you... You were so cold and so caring at the same time. I always say the wrong things to you and still you help me... I don't know what I should do... It's all so fucked up..."

He sounded so sincere and I felt bad for doubting him... But still it just sounded unbelievable. I sat down next to him and hugged him without a word. Water. Suffocating. Death. I just couldn't and the vision didn't help. There was nothing I could have told him to make this better. He sat there motionless for a minute before he returned my embrace and I heard it. Brian sobbed quietly into my shoulder and it nearly broke my heart. This was my fault and I asked myself if I wasn't messing him up even more... He had changed his life around and still his fate remained the same...

"It's my fault you're going to die... There's no other way," I mumbled.

He let go off me to look me in the eyes, but I turned away... I couldn't stand the look in his eyes. "No that can't be right... you-"

"You turned your life around and still all I see is your death in six months and you said it yourself you realised you loved me when I was gone... It can only be my fault..." I interrupted him.

"Charlie please that doesn't make any sense. It's the same vision you had when you met me right?" I nodded, still not looking at him. He started to caress my arms in a comforting manner. "I didn't even know you then and surely had no feelings for you, so that can't be it..." He tried to reassure me.

"Maybe it was fate... If your death hadn't been the way it was, I wouldn't have paid you any mind and we wouldn't be here in this situation... and now where exactly going the way Death wanted us too... I should have told you and then stayed away..." I whispered.

"You never even told me how I am going to die... All I know it's not a nice way to go, I only have seven months to live and it's an accident. Can't you at least tell me what you see?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Believe me, it's better if you don't know... I saw myself die and it really was better when I didn't know..."

"Still? Please." He begged.

I shook my head again. "No. I'm not telling you, no matter what." It definitely was for the best. I had no idea how he would react and we had already enough between us without him knowing how he died. Not knowing was bliss sometimes.

"You don't need to carry this with you all alone. Tell me, maybe we can prevent it that way... " I shook my head for a third time.

"Brian, no, I already said more than I should have. Really, please don't ask this from me..." I said finally looking at him. He looked as bad as I felt, if not worse.

"You're dying the same way as me..." he mumbled looking me directly into the eyes." You said that after I fished you out of the river..." he stopped and I could see him put the pieces together. "It's the same... you said that yesterday too."

"Please no," I begged.

"I'm going to drown..." He concluded.

"Brian, no-"

"I should have realised it before..." he interrupted me. "Can you now at least tell me what you see?"

I bid my lip. "Really you don't want to know..."

"Charlie, I already know pretty much, just tell me the rest..." He begged.

I looked away, but Brian took my hands in his, squeezing them, probably trying to reassure me and I took a deep breath. "I don't see much. I'm or you are at the bottom of some pool and there's no air. Then death..."

"And you always relive that when I touch you?" I nodded. "No wonder you rather have me away from you... I wouldn't want to see that once, but I'll probably have to..." He mumbled.

"We can think of something to prevent that," I offered hopefully, finally looking at his face again.

He rolled his eyes. "So what do you want me to do? Staying away from pools for my whole life?"

"That is a possibility..."I mumbled.

He shook his head and hugged me. All I could do was wonder what went on in his head.

I hope this doesn't seem rushed (ehh... yes I really say that after 36 chapters lol), but I suppose it was time they've been walking around each other for a while now. 

Updates might be a bit slower over the next month I'm really busy.

Thank you for reading, voting and commenting. 🌼

Preview:

"You worry about him and care for him too, that much I can tell you and you probably know that already yourself, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with him or maybe you should both just drop it and just stay friends or whatever. Both you and him are so complicated, it's a wonder how you decide on anything at all. On the other hand you never really do."

She was right with us being so complicated. Under normal circumstances there would be no need for me to stay at his with or without feelings. We probably wouldn't even be speaking... It was all due to these damn visions and now I just couldn't leave him on his own and honestly I didn't want to. Beside the horrible work travel, living with him was nice and I hadn't felt so much at ease since I had left my grandmother to live on my own. I didn't want to be alone again, but that didn't mean I loved him, did it? I worried over him, but wasn't that normal? We were friends... I think. 

"I just don't know..."